J.D.: I can't believe
today's my last day at Sacred Heart.
I couldn't help but let my mind drift
back to my very first day.
Don't look at me
when we're moving someone.
Why?
And from now on,
whenever I'm in the room,
you're definitely not allowed to talk.
- Charged.
- Clear!
Oh, my God!
Dr. Dorian.
Do you not realize that you're nothing
but a large pair of scrubs to me?
- You stick a penny in there?
- No. I was just making small talk.
If I find a penny in there,
I'm taking you down.
I thought we cared about each other...
Oh! Please.
If you didn't want to sleep with me,
- you'd have done the same thing.
- I'll tell you one thing.
The last thing in the world
I want to do is sleep with you now.
- Do me right here.
- Okay.
See?
J.D.: I won in the end, though,
because now she loves me
and I get to have her
whenever I see fit.
In fact, I think I'll use this last-day thing
to score some morning sex.
- I can't believe today's my last day...
- No morning sex.
Worth a try.
We can kiss if you remembered
to lay out mouthwash last night.
I did.
Did you water it down
so we can just swallow it?
Of course I did.
J.D.: Actually, I did not remember
to water it down. At all.
- Morning.
- Be weirder.
You'd love it. How'd you sleep?
Really well, actually.
I knew it. You want to know why?
This is my bed.
I had it brought here
because it's so comfortable.
You don't have a bed
at your house anymore?
Why bother? I've slept here, like,
every night since you moved.
So we live together.
Kind of, I guess.
- I feel like I should have been told.
- Come on.
I see it now. You've been
sneak-moving in here for days.
The clothes in the dresser,
those girly pillows on the couch.
This really weird picture
of a Vegas showgirl.
Don't make fun of my brother, Barry.
I think he looks very beautiful.
They did a dynamite job on his boobs.
Are those Gs?
Double Ds. Plus, you're the guy
who keeps asking me
to bring stuff over here.
- Are you seriously upset?
- I'm very upset.
I don't even think
morning sex could fix it.
- Although it might.
- Fine.
- Do I have to move a lot?
- You never do, anyway.
True.
Aw, man, he got my coffee wrong.
- How?
- It's dirt.
That may be because I told Donny
you thought his coffee tasted like dirt.
Why would you do that?
Because Donny's a vengeful little punk
and I wanted to see what he would do.
He's a convicted felon.
He shivved a guy.
Ah, I love you, Donny. Muffin, please.
I still can't believe
you're going back to work.
I miss doctoring.
And the great thing
about locum tenens is, it's part-time,
and you have to go
where they need you,
so it's going to force Enid and me
to travel.
You're finally going to stop
hanging around here?
Yep, this is my last muffin in this place.
You're finally going to stop
hanging around here?
Oh. Look, he's stuck on a thought.
If he doesn't get off it in a few minutes,
- just kick him. That's what I always do.
- Okay.
I've enjoyed this stupid
coffee spot so much,
I need a memento.
Would you distract the staff
while I steal my favorite table?
- I don't think so, Bob.
- Understood. It's not your fight.
You're finally going to stop
hanging around...
You're finally going to stop...
You're finally gonna...
Thank you.
No problem.
I wouldn't do that.
It's good dirt.
So, I actually did drift off a bit.
How was the morning sex?
- I was awesome!
- Really?
Nah. I never really got things going.
My peep was sleepy.
Hey, J.D., I know that it's your last day,
but I'm not going to say goodbye
because even just saying the word
a second ago is going to make me cry.
Okay. Okay.
Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
I can't catch my breath. I can't catch it.
I can't catch it! Where is it?
- Where is it?
- Breathe it out. Breathe it out.
Okay, I'm back. Plus, I'm just going to
see you at our place tonight, okay?
Did you just say "our place"?
You are sneak-moving in!
Your ears are playing tricks.
And, J.D., people should make a big
deal about you leaving Sacred Heart.
But don't be disappointed
if it doesn't live up to the expectations
you have in your head, okay?
I think I'll be fine.
Yeah, I know it's blocking the stairs,
but people could walk around, right?
You're the greatest.
- Get over here. You're my bear.
- That's right.
Growl for me.
What are those pads for?
Those pads there, my friend,
are for you to fall on.
In honor of your departure,
I'm about to give you your final,
full-turbo spinning eagle.
- Prepping for takeoff.
- Excellent.
Now, did you get my text about
not eating after midnight last night?
Yeah. All I've had is mouthwash.
- Let's do this. Come on!
- Mounting.
Three, two, one. Eagle!
Eagle!
Are these two doctors?
I'm afraid so.
Never stop spinning me. Eagle!
Oh.
- Find the pad!
- I can't find it.
- Dude. Follow my voice!
- I'm coming!
There's another hospital down
about three miles that way.
- You okay, babe?
- J.D.: Eagle.
Yeah.
I can't do this all on my own
No, I know
I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman
- Fantastic eagle, buddy.
- Yeah. I really feel like we nailed it.
Still, I'm going to see you all day.
I'm worried
you did your goodbye too early.
Oh, my God, I did. I'm such an idiot.
It's all right. I can fix this.
We just have to match that
initial goodbye intensity
every time we see each other.
Can you do that for me?
Yeah, I'll just answer you like this.
"Come here, you."
- Mmm. You smell like a weightlifter.
- Mmm.
That's because
I worked out this morning.
- Wow.
- It's all right.
I finally dealt with the fact
that you'll never hold me like that.
Maybe we should try it,
see what we're missing.
Yeah?
Oh, God, I love the feel of you.
Mmm. You smell like a tugboat captain.
- Dude, it's finally happening.
- Oh, I see it.
Mmm. Now I know what
we were missing. I see it.
Yeah, you guys are on to something.
- I usually cup the butt for support.
- Oh! That's nice.
- Oh, yeah. There it is.
- Our groins are usually closer.
- Yeah. It's like they're clapping.
- They almost slap each other.
- Yeah, we're not doing that.
- Excuse me.
J.D.: To hell with doing
my goodbyes too early.
I want my moment with Dr. Cox,
and I want it now.
Dr. Cox, since this is my last day,
I got you a little something,
you know, as a thank you.
Because in my mind,
you're the one
who made me the man I am today.
- You can't blame me for that.
- No. That's too mean.
It's a book of all your rants.
I always wrote them down.
- Wow.
- Check it out.
Pleather-bound. I did the calligraphy.
The number next to each passage
is a rating system from one to five,
depending on how much
that particular rant hurt me emotionally.
"One" being something
I could easily shrug off
and "five" being something
that still makes me want to cut myself.
Oh, look, "The only way you could be
less productive right now is
"if you were, in fact, the wall
which you're leaning against."
That one used to be a five
but now it's a four.
I still well up when I think about it,
but now I can fall asleep after.
Who wants to see what Jordan does
when she's bored?
Hey, Newbie. What if, say,
I wanted to locate something in here
about just how little
I care about any given moment
- that you and I have spent together?
- Good question.
You just go to the glossary.
- Ah.
- And you see?
"How Little I Care," page .
Boom. Page turn.
"Things I Care as Little About as J.D.'s
Last Day of Residency."
I remember this one. Oh.
"Every hybrid car, every talk-show host,
everything on the planet,
"everything in the solar system,
and everything, everything, everything,
"everything that exists past,
present and future
"in all discovered
and undiscovered dimensions.
"And, of course..."
- "Hugh Jackman."
- "Hugh Jackman."
Oh.
That was nice.
I like that we shared that.
Me, too. Because it's the exact
sentiment that I wanted to put out there
for you on your last day of work here.
Thank you for this lovely present.
You're... Okay. You're welcome.
Up close, you are not a handsome man.
Thank you, Mrs. Stonewater.
When you're gone, he's gonna hit me.
Mom, he's not going to do that.
Dr. Dorian?
I would never hit a patient,
Mrs. Stonewater. I'm not a hitter.
- See, he hates hitting.
- Well, I wouldn't say that I hate hitting.
That's a little strange.
Well, it's just...
Does wrestling count as hitting?
Because my friend Turk and I
sometimes wrestle and I really like that.
When you're gone
he's going to wrestle me.
No. Only if you tickle me first.
That's what Turk does.
- Now he wants to tickle me!
- Are you an idiot?
Can I talk to you outside for a second?
That is not my mom, okay? This
paranoia and the delirium. And it's...
The last few weeks, it's like
she's just checking out, and...
I know it's frustrating, but I promise you
we're going to find the answer.
- He's going to hit me when you leave.
- I'm almost positive I won't.
- Don't think you need the "almost" part.
- I'm very positive I won't.
- It will never happen. Sorry.
- You a new doctor?
- Actually, it's my last day.
- Yeah, that makes sense.
That was hurtful.
Can there be good without evil?
That's probably a question
for your priest.
- I'm Jewish.
- Really? Shalom.
- What?
- Never mind.
That good-evil thing was in my head
because I was watching Unbreakable
- by M. Night Shyamalan.
- It's "M. Night."
You don't say, "Muh-Night,"
it's "M-Knight." No "muh."
No, it's "muh." Like C. Thomas Howell
or F. Murray Abraham.
- I don't think so.
- No "muh"?
- No "muh."
- Well, that's funny.
Because we were bowling
the other night and he says,
"Man, no one ever
says my name right."
I said, "Muh, you got
two bigger problems than that.
"One of them is that seven-ten split
you left for yourself.
"And the other one
"is how about trying to write a movie
without a big twist ending?"
Well, he took offense, got pissy,
wouldn't talk to me for a good hour,
but he loosened up on the hayride.
Yeah. I'm sure that's a true story.
Anyway, I wanted to do something big
for your departure,
but nowadays
my wife is taking up all my time.
I wanted to spend all night in the lab,
but she wanted to play cards.
You have a lab?
So, I decided to go simple.
What would you say this is?
Seems like a really gay piece
of man-jewelry.
It is. It's also the penny that you put
in the door eight years ago.
For the last time,
I did not put a penny in the door.
- Admit it!
- Oh, God! Why did you do that?
Because I read in a book that if you
surprise someone with an accusation,
- they're more likely to tell you the truth.
- I don't really think that's going to work.
Okay, well, I'm not discouraged.
You know what they say. Admit it!
Could you stop doing that? It's...
Nothing's going to happen.
Don't feel bad,
I'm probably doing it wrong.
Admit it! Admit it! Admit it!
Dr. Dorian, if a patient says
his painkillers aren't working,
how do we know
if he's just trying to scam dr*gs
or if he really needs more pain meds?
What I recommend is
taking a safety pin
and then just giving him
a quick little s*ab, okay?
Kidding! Guys, we don't ever s*ab.
With pain meds it's hard to gauge...
- Mmm! I'm going to miss you so much.
- Then squeeze me like you mean it.
- You smell like it's hot out.
- It's hot in my heart.
Get out of here.
Okay, that... I can understand
that might have seemed a little girly,
- even for me.
- Not really.
You know, Jo, I'm not really
taking comments right now.
No, no. It's sort of
an announcement phase, okay?
Announcement Number .
Starting tomorrow,
Dr. Cox will be leading intern rounds.
Sadly, it is my last day.
You are now free to comment.
Who would like to start us off?
Nobody? Jo, it's funny.
You were eager to make a comment
only moments ago.
No, I've got nothing.
I order you to comment.
Um...
I'll miss you?
- Oh, Jo...
- I'll miss you, too.
It's over, Sunny. It's too late.
There he is. Speak of the devil.
I was just prepping these guys
for you to take over.
Maybe you'd like to say a few words
about how you and I got started.
Our relationship began
as a student-teacher thing
and then evolved into something
a whole lot more.
The floor, Perry, is yours.
- I'm okay.
- He's okay. You're okay? He's okay.
Okay, I guess I'll just have to settle
for handing over the ceremonial reins.
- Take the reins, please.
- I don't want to.
- Take the reins.
- I don't want the reins.
- Please take the reins.
- I'm not taking the reins.
I can take the reins
and just hold them for him.
Feels like that'll work out for everyone.
Careful, they're heavy.
This guy can pull.
No one's taking the reins.
Okay, well, then,
what am I going to do with the reins?
Reins are on the ground. Happy now?
All right, children, tomorrow morning
I want you prepped
on the endocrine system...
Or at least let me pass off the torch.
Oh! For the love of God! Disperse.
Will you hold this, please? It's very hot.
J.D.: And just like that,
it was time to ruin someone's day.
She has Huntington's disease?
It's a degenerative brain disease.
It causes you to lose control
of your movement and mental ability.
It can also change your personality,
like with your mom.
So, what do we do?
Unfortunately, there's no cure.
Eventually, it'll take her.
Oh, jeez.
J.D.: Sometimes you just have to
barrel through,
no matter how much it sucks.
And Mr. Stonewater, Huntington's is
caused by a faulty gene.
And since your mother has it,
you have a - chance
of having it, too.
We can test you for it, if you want.
If we find out that I have it early on,
are there any treatment options?
Nothing substantial yet.
I can only tell you if you have it.
I can't even tell when the disease
would hit you, if you do have it.
Could be in your seventies,
like your mom, or...
- Could be sooner.
- Could be sooner.
I'm so sorry.
Can I have a few minutes?
J.D.: I'm so bummed about
Mrs. Stonewater I totally spaced
and forgot what's wrong
with Benjamin, here.
Is he the one with the broken ribs?
Nope. Maybe he's the guy
with sinus polyps.
I don't think there's any polyps, but he
definitely has some oily skin issues.
I should turn him on to that dynamite
apricot scrub I stole from Elliot.
Oh, come on. Focus.
I suppose I could go get his chart,
but I left it all the way downstairs.
Come on, man, you've got eight years
of medical experience. Use it!
Maybe you can smell it out.
I want to say it smells like
non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
What are you doing? You don't know
what any diseases smell like.
Ah, to hell with it.
What do you have, again?
- Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
- Of course you do. You reek of it.
I'm sorry.
J.D.: See? Benjamin understands
that you're human
and that you're having
kind of an overwhelming day.
Give him a smile as a thank you.
I want a new doctor.
No. I've been working my butt off taking
care of you for the last two weeks,
so I'm afraid
the answer is no, Benjamin.
- My name is Roger.
- I'll go get you a new doctor.
What's wrong?
Did you find out that I'm replacing
your kitchen countertops
with prettier ones from my apartment?
Because if you're mad,
- I can stop those workers right now.
- What? No, Elliot,
I'm upset because Huntington's
disease sucks, Dr. Cox is a jerk,
I'm such a crappy doctor
I just got dumped by a patient,
and no one but you and Turk
even cares that I'm leaving.
Take it easy!
Bye!
What about them?
- Take it easy!
- Send a postcard!
I'm not leaving yet.
I'm just getting some air.
But thank you, thank you all.
You know, I've always said
that I came to Sacred Heart a boy
- and it's turned me into...
- They're waving at me, genius.
I took my favorite table
and I'm bailing out of that coffee place.
Bye, g*ng!
- Bye, Bob!
- Bye, Bob!
But you left a year ago! You got cake.
He got a cake!
And who changed my sign?
How dare you change
somebody's sign?
You stupid sign-changers!
- Hey, relax.
- They're sign-changers!
I'll fix it.
Oh, that's right, I forgot.
Tina in Accounting left for eight days
to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro.
- How cool is that?
- Elliot!
What? I just think she's very brave,
with her wooden leg and all.
Hey, Elliot! I can see down
your blouse from here!
- I hope you fall and die, Todd!
- What a way to go!
There. All better.
So, what the hell did you think
leaving this place was going to be like?
I don't know. I guess I thought
there'd be a lot of heartfelt goodbyes.
When I was finally ready to leave
it'd be like one of those
great old sitcom finales.
We've got a code blue!
We're all going to die!
Why would they wire all the power
through one switch? That seems crazy.
Well, I'm afraid
all I can offer you is a handshake.
- I'll take it, sir.
- Have a great life, Dorian.
- Thank you.
- Get as much tail as you can.
- I always do, sir.
- I already threw him morning sex today.
Atta girl!
If you want goodbyes
maybe you should just ask for them.
You're right.
J.D.: My exchange with Dr. Kelso
renewed my strength.
Other men had no problem saying
what they wanted.
And sure, sometimes it was
a ridiculous, ridiculous request.
- Admit that you did it!
- No.
- Admit it!
- No.
Damn it.
J.D.: And sometimes it's even
not wanting to know
if you have a fatal disease.
Hey, Dr. Dorian, I decided
not to take that test, okay?
Okay.
J.D.: Either way, it was time for me
to follow their lead.
Dr. Cox, I want something from you.
I know you do, Newbie.
And I have been searching through
this wonderful book that you gave me,
trying to find the exact right speech
to share with you.
But alas, there's nothing in here
on "Barking Up the Wrong Tree"
or even a "Turn Back Now Because
This Doesn't End Well for You" section,
so I'm going to have to
go ahead and wing it.
Let's see what happens.
Newbie, I know that you want this to be
a very special day for the both of us.
I get that, I truly do.
You want feelings to be shared.
You want hugs to flow.
But that is not now, nor has it ever been
who I am, and you know that.
So I'm real sorry there, Newbie, but
this is not a special day for me,
it's just a day.
If you put that down in the book later,
give it a five.
Fair enough.
Yeah, I know it's blocking the stairs,
but people could walk around, right?
- Thanks, buddy. You're my bear.
- I'm your bear.
- Give me a growl.
- Growl.
- One more.
- Growl!
Dr. Dorian, if a patient says
his painkillers aren't working,
how do we know
if he's just trying to scam meds or...
Um...
- So it's back to one.
- Hmm. Yeah.
- Wow.
- That's okay.
Eliza, can you take that line?
I'm going to call action,
John,
and then I'm going to put this on TV.
Here we go.