09x01 - Why in the f*ck Is My Trailer Pink?

[bunniefuu]

[pleasant music]

Hi!

I'm retired police officer Jim Lahey.

And I'm Barbara Lahey!

Take time to stop...

[sniffing]

...and smell the flowers...

At Sunnyvale Villas Retirement Community.

[harp notes]

If you're over the age of and are looking for a relaxing, stress-free lifestyle...

Without the worries of criminal activity, alcohol and dr*gs...

Come make Sunnyvale Villas your semi-inclusive retirement paradise.

[chimes]

[Jim]

Enjoy three-and-a-half star dining with master chef Bubbles.

[Barbara]

As well as numerous activities to keep you active and alive, such as hay-ride bingo...

[Jim]

Bowling, yoga...

[Barbara]

And then unwind at our relaxing Mystic Fingers Day Spa.

Let our certified staff work out all your tight spots after a long day of fun!

[Jim]

Our grounds are patrolled by retired SAS Officer and highly decorated w*r hero, Colonel Leslie Dancer.

[Barbara imitating trumpet call]

So come settle in at the end of the silver rainbow.

Join us at Sunnyvale Villas Retirement Community.

Old people...

[both]

New friends!

[laughter]

- Wow!

- Ohh...

I'd say we did pretty damn good, Barb.

- Aw, do you think?

- Mm-hmm.

I thought I looked just a little bit heavy.

You kidding?

You look as beautiful as the first day I ever laid eyes on you.

Sorry, am I interrupting something?

Randy, do you not know how to knock?

What do you want, Rand?

I moved yoga class up.

Your, uh, little A.A.

Colonel buddy has...

intel that, uh, Ricky and Julian are being released in a few hours.

Oh, great idea.

Well, actually, we are all ready to go.

Sorry, it's been a while since I've seen little Brad.

- Little Brad?

- [clearing throat]

Yeah, little Brad.

A River Runs Through It, Seven Years in Tibet, Legends of the Fall, Troy...

Oh my God, you named your penis after Brad Pitt?

- He didn't name it, I did!

- Randy!

That's enough.

This erection's for you, Barb.

Oh, th...

this conversation is revolting and it's over!

I'm going to yoga, and you...

four...

can work it out.

[frustrated sigh]

You look ridiculous, Randy.

I'm going to yoga.

Go de-grease yourself.

He's not friggin' yours anymore!

[theme music plays]

[Ricky]

This time in jail was my best ever.

I took some really f*cked up courses.

I took a sewing course, which I wasn't great at.

The machine kept biting my fingers, but...

I took this other course, and when you're baked, I was really f*cking good at that.

You take flowers, like different colors and styles and...

you put them in these thinly, glassy buckets.

And yeah, I got a f*cking job waiting for me when I get out of here.

- [man]

Hey, Ricky.

- Hey, D.C.

What's up, man?

[whispering]

I need some sh*t before you bust, man.

You sure you can't take any more?

I need to get rid of this stuff.

I'm out of here in an hour.

Spread the word.

Guards say they'd take some.

And the other thing I realized in jail this time was that my family and my unbornt gram-child are way more important than k*lling Lahey and George Green and ending up back in here forever.

So, I'm going to do what the old man used to always say: "Let guy bonds be guy bonds".

'Cause once you're bonded, nobody gets hurt.

That way I can get Lahey and George out of this f*cking thing and not want to k*ll them.

I never felt so good getting out of jail.

You know, healthy body, healthy mind, no stress.

That's the pathway to success.

And so is this: reverse psychology.

Because the last thing on earth I want to do is get revenge on Jim for f*cking me over.

See?

Reverse psychology.

It's great, I love it.

I also realized that by reacting to Lahey, I'm just feeding him.

You know, and that's what gives him his power.

So all I've got to do is stop feeding him...

me, and just concentrate on investing that little nest egg I've got waiting for me.

You know, I heard there's been a lot of changes going on in Sunnyvale since I've been in here, and it's a little scary, but change is good, it's exciting.

Just can't wait to be part of it all again.

And get the f*ck out of here.

Can't wait.

A lot of changes been going down since Jules went away, you know what I'm saying?

It's all good though.

I got T's Axi keeping me busy.

You need a taxi?

Just axe me.

And them old hoes, they be loving they Driving Miss Daisy.

I've been working part-time with Sarah at Mystic Fingers, doing my thing, you know what I'm saying?

I just hope Jules is down with this new setup and all.

Hopefully.

Things have changed quite a bit around here, but I think it's awesome.

I've been going full tilt.

I opened up my own strip mall: Sunnyvale Plaza.

I've been doing hay-ride bingo, I've got a bowling lane over there.

We've been having lawn darts the seniors are whipping around.

It's been really fantastic.

I opened up this place right here: Talko's Take-Out, in memory of poor little Talko, mulched up in Ricky's thing there...

Oh my f*ck, he got mulched!

Anyway, I cook all the meals for the seniors there.

And I mean, once the park fills up with people, this is going to be a f*cking gold mine.

Julian's going to be very proud of me.

[giggling]

What's up?

I just got a regular.

I want everyone to step out of the car, please.

[engine shuts off]

Arms out.

We're at level security today, Tyrone.

Oh, man, are you serious?

This will only take a few seconds.

- [metal detector squealing]

- You're good.

Arms out, ma'am.

Yo, is this really necessary, man?

Unfortunately, yes.

It is necessary.

Because...

someone tried to smuggle in a bottle of cooking sherry last week.

Now, was that a good idea?

I don't know, Colonel Miyagi.

Was it?

Alcohol is the true k*ller, son.

Now pop the trunk.

Excellent.

Thank you for your cooperation.

And I hope you have yourselves a very lovely day.

- [feedback on PA]

- Your attention, please.

For your safety, a hour curfew has been implemented.

Thank you, from all of us at Sunnyvale Villas.

Stay safe, stay sober.

I'm Colonel Leslie Dancer.

And breathe...

[man]

Cory, hurry the f*ck up!

[Bubbles]

I got f*cked over by Eon's.

They do this thing where they're like, "Yeah, come on in, get all the sh*t you want.

You don't pay a cent for f*cking eons." That's what they tell you, but...

I ended up buying all kinds of things I normally wouldn't spend the money on.

I mean, that thing was expensive.

Big fancy lamps and...

you know, I got all kinds of sh*t.

Like, look at the futuristic backsplash.

"Modern contemporary", they call it.

You know, so I got all that sh*t.

And, you know, it's Don't Pay a Cent Event, and then next thing you know, six months goes by and all of a sudden it's the, Okay Now Pay Every f*cking Cent All at Once Event.

That's what it turns into, you know.

And it kind of fucks you.

It's all bullshit if you ask me.

[woman yelling]

Get the f*ck out, you cock-sucker...

Just hang on, Marguerite, I'll be right there!

[quietly]

Jesus Christ, I know you're supposed to respect your olders, but some of them are f*cking crazy!

[cats meowing]

Okay, guys, listen.

There was another Samsquanch sighting last night, so you're going to have to stay indoors again.

I'll put on that video you love, though.

Here, look.

Look, the birds and the squirrels.

[giggling]

- [Marguerite yelling indistinctly]

- Jesus Christ.

[Marguerite]

I'm going to f*cking rip your nuts out!

Jesus, I'm sorry about that, Marguerite.

It won't happen again.

Oh, bullshit, it won't!

And how many times do I have to ask you for crispy f*cking bacon in the morning?

I'm not paying for floppy bacon, and no detergent.

- You're so g*dd*mn f*cking slow, useless.

- [hip-hop music]

Jesus Murphy, I'm sorry.

I'll...

I'll get you an extra slice of rhubarb pie tonight for supper.

- [J-Roc]

Hey, Bubbles.

- [horn honking]

[rapping]

I said we late, man, huh.

I said we late.

Loud music and bad language is forbidden in this park.

Hold on, Mr. Belvedere, I can't really hear you, bitch.

- [volume increases]

- That better, dawg?

Oh, this how we gon' do it?

This going down?

What you doing, bitch?

- [bang, music stops]

- Can't go on my bus without...

Help my f*ck, you did not just do that, mah-fucker.

Let me tell you something.

I ain't give a f*ck how many Hulk Hogans you took down, you know what I'm saying?

The S.S. Bitch Slap's about to board.

I'ma knock your lights out, you know what I'm saying, navy slut?

J-Roc, calm down.

Wait till my business partner finds out what the f*ck you did, dawg.

Julian ain't gonna be happy about this.

Then we'll see what's up, won't we?

Then we'll see what's up, won't we?

B-r-rap!

Just get on the bus.

I look forward to meeting him.

- There you go, Colonel!

- [mixed cheers]

[chanting]

Colonel!

Colonel!

Colonel!

Colonel...

Thank f*ck.

The cops and the guards bought a ton of hash off me this time when I was in jail.

And they're f*cking great customers 'cause they pay full price, 'cause they're f*cking dumb.

And I think it's great for the town, because now that they buy hash off me, they're roaming around with a little hash buzz on, doing their stupid little patrols.

And since they started smoking hash, police brutality: way f*cking down.

- [horn honking]

- [Ricky]

Hey!

- Hi.

- How's it going?

Good.

How's my little gram-son?

Hey, little buddy.

Grampy's back.

And he's got hash money.

Check that sh*t out.

Oh my God, he just kicked.

Nice!

Where's Orangie?

- Oh, man, he's with Bubbles.

- Oh.

See what a nice job Bubbles did setting up the baby's room.

- Looks great.

- Amazing.

You have to see it.

Let's go.

All right.

Let's stop at the second handed store first though.

I want to pick up some stuff to sit on, stuff to light stuff up at night, stuff to eat off of.

Can I pick up Cory?

He can help load.

No, we can't pick up f*cking Cory.

I told you, it's f*cking family day.

f*ck Cory.

Well, you know, family time is important.

See, Trinity hasn't seen her dad in a while, and Jacob's kind of part of the family, so...

you know, I haven't seen him around lately.

But I get it, I do.

It's just, you know, I miss him.

But that's cool.

You know, they get to spend time together as a family, and I get to spend time stacking these pins.

Doesn't bother me at all.

[man]

f*ck out of the way, Cory!

Hey Donna, look what I brought you!

You want to go to the bedroom and get some dirty stuff going?

Oh!

No, I don't want to go to the bedroom, you musky manatee.

Get that sweaty dill pickle away from me.

I remember when this sweaty dill pickle used to turn you on.

I don't.

You're disgusting, Randy.

Oh, you're calling me disgusting?

Well, at least I don't have stink finger from massaging seniors all day!

You hoarder!

You can call me a whore, but don't you dare call me a hoarder!

- Now go take a shower.

- Alone?

You and James Gandol-peeny there.

And wash under his turtleneck.

Hey!

Watch that stuff, that's organized!

[frustrated sigh]

[hip-hop music]

Things haven't been going too good with Donna and I.

She wanted me to get a haircut, so I got this bitchin' mohawk.

I think it makes me look slimmer.

She doesn't like it.

[hip-hop music]

- There he is!

- Hey, Bubbs!

- Julian!

- How's it going, buddy?

Hey, J-Roc.

What's up, my man?

Good to see you, homey.

Nice f*cking ride, man!

What's up, Paul?

Good to see you guys.

f*cking good to see you, Julian.

How was jail?

Oh, it was all right, man, but why'd you guys stop coming to visit me?

You know what it's like, man.

- Just got busy...

- Getting ready for you to get out...

All right, that's cool.

Listen, I've got big plans for our money.

So let's go back to my bar, get drunk, and f*cking talk about it.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Bubbs, you're f*cking lying to me.

What's wrong?

- Nothing, just...

- Just what?

Hey, can I be straight with you right quick?

Please.

Um, it's like, we still got a nest, you know what I mean, but it's like there ain't no egg up in there.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Money's gone, bitch.

- Oh, just hang on...

- [angrily]

How?

- The money's not gone.

- It's not gone.

The egg's just not in the nest.

It's scrambled and spread out.

[J-Roc]

Know what I'm saying, like an omelet.

- It's like a omelet, financial omelet.

- Omelet, financial omelet.

We just reinvested it, Julian, but we got all kinds of assets now.

We got a...

like a plaza.

Ah?

It's like a mall.

Wait till you see it, dawg.

Strip mall.

It's, you know, we got a spa, we got f*cking five-star take-out restaurant with Chef Bubbles.

And who has one drink and one thumb and owns part of this party bus?

You, hah!

- Bing-bong.

- You spent my f*cking money

- on this piece of sh*t?

- Correction, dawg, I spent our money on this piece of sh*t.

Sayin'?

- You've got to be f*cking kidding me!

- Julian, come on, dawg, we had to do something when Barb closed your bar down.

- Barb closed my bar down?

- That's right.

What...

what the f*ck...

What are you guys talking about?

Now what's up?

Mr.

Lahey and Barb changed Sunnyvale Trailer Park into a retirement community for old people.

So your bar's like a spa now.

But Julian, trust me, you're going to be f*cking blown away.

It is dizzope, isn't it, J-Roc?

I can't dizzisagree, that's the trizzoof.

Let's just get the f*ck out of here, please.

- A'ight.

- Don't be mad, Julian.

[high-pitched voice]

Come here, I want to touch your belly!

Doo-doo.

- Doot.

- Bubbs...

Bubbs, stop it.

- Doot.

- I said stop it.

- Well, I said...

- Well, I'm not in the f*cking mood!

- Stop it.

- Doo-doo.

[horn honking]

Who's kinda smiling?

Bubbs, you turned my bar into a f*cking spa!

- I didn't turn sh*t...

- J-Roc, let's get the f*ck going!

I'm trying, man...

I think I flooded it.

- Nice f*cking bus.

- I got CAA, bitch.

Hang on.

You don't gotta yell.

Five free tows in the first year, br-r-rap!

You should probably stay in the car, Dad.

I'll go get Mom.

Actually, Trin, I want to make peace with the f*cking d*ck for taking care of you guys.

[Trinity]

That would be nice.

[Lucy]

Ricky.

Rick!

[slurring]

We've got to f*cking go...

we've got to go.

We've got to go right now.

What the f*ck is going on...

How could you ride me two hours ago, and then just move out?

Look, George, I want to burn the hatchet at both ends.

And I want to thank you for looking after my family when I was in jail.

That's pretty big of you, bud.

Oh... m*therf*cker!

[groaning]

Jesus Christ...

- Go ahead, hit me.

Come on, hit me!

- Yeah?

There's nothing more I'd like to do right now than b*at those little nipple-tits right off your f*cking face.

But I can't, because my gram-son's more important.

Go away, Rick.

Take care of yourself, Georgie.

f*ck off.

[Ricky]

Am I cut?

No, you're all right.

You're okay.

All right.

Okay...

You drunk, Luce?

I had a couple.

[horn honking]

[grumbling]

Okay?

[engine struggling]

- [engine starts]

- We're a family again.

I can't wait to bang you, Lucy.

[Trinity]

Dad!

[Julian]

f*ck is up with this sh*t?

[Bubbles]

Gate, I told you about the gate.

- Nice gate.

- Thank you.

You must be Julian.

See, Julian, uh, as a minority shareholder of the park, you're welcome to come in, but...

you're going to have to abide by the new rules.

Rule number one: no alcohol permitted in this park.

[high-pitched]

Did I not mention that?

Listen, Julian...

I'll have a word with the Colonel.

Maybe we can make an exception for you.

Rules are rules, Jim.

Here.

Can I go home now?

Play by the rules, and we'll get along just fine.

It's great to see you, Jim.

[engine stuttering]

[engine starts]

- Did I miss anything?

- Run along, Randy.

If we want something eaten, we'll call you.

I thought you told me there was no way that he would give up his drink.

I'm as surprised as you are!

Don't even think about it, soldier.

Let's put up the full gate.

- [electronic horn beeping]

- [man]

Look the f*ck out, Clarence.

Move it or lose it, sweet ass!

[sigh]

What do you think, Julian?

This is the future right here.

[giggle]

Why in the f*ck is my trailer pink?

Welcome home, Julian!

It's pretty impressive, huh?

Can you believe this place used to be your shitty bar?

Come see.

[laughing]

Come on!

That went...

pretty well.

I think.

So, what do you think?

Same time tomorrow, Mrs.

Sanderson?

Ms.

Johnson, holla!

T, man, tell me you're not part of this bullshit.

Man, a hustler's got to do what a hustler's got to do.

Grinding, helping my elderly.

Julian, he's amazing with his fingers.

You should be proud of him.

Should I be proud of you for changing my bar and f*cking it up?

It's pink!

Ah, Julian, after all the blood, sweat and tears that we put into this place, I am...

Now I am really upset to hear you...

- Oh, you're upset?

- Yes, I am!

- [sarcastic laugh]

- You know what, they made the park dry.

We couldn't serve booze in here anymore.

What the f*ck did you want us to do?

How about coming to jail and f*cking visiting me, and telling me you're going to change all this sh*t before you f*cking change it!

What the f*ck?

Are you kidding me?

Thanks, T!

Well, that has totally f*cked my chakra!

[sniffling]

What the f*ck is this bullshit and who the f*ck are you?

Well, well, well.

- You must be Richard.

- Ding, ding, ding!

I don't want any trouble, I just want to go home with my family.

I'm sorry, sir, but you are no longer welcome in this park.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Says who?

Says the man who hired me to do this job.

Now I advise you to back this vehicle up before I back it up for you.

Is that right?

I advise you to suck my cock

- before I suck my cock for you!

- Ricky...

- Lahey, who the f*ck is this guy?

- Yeah.

This is a decorated w*r hero, Colonel Leslie Dancer.

I hired him to protect the park, and it looks to me like he's doing a damn fine job.

Look, I'm using everything in me to stay calm right now.

I just want to go home, or I'm going to do something really f*cking un-smart here.

Go ahead.

Make my day.

Oh, yeah?

You got it, Colonel octopus cock!

[engine revving]

[cracking]

- [engine roaring]

- What do you think of that?

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck...

f*ck you!

f*ck you!

[Julian]

Ricky, turn off the f*cking car!

Turn it off!

Ricky, It's not even doing anything, it's just melting your tires!

- Let me into the f*cking park!

- [loud bang, engine stops]

- [mixed shouting]

- [Bubbles]

You blew her good, bud!

Listen to me, this is what these guys want you to f*cking do.

You've got to use your head, or we're going to f*cking lose here, all right?

Come on, man.

Use your head.

Ricky, you f*cked your tires.

Your family's welcome in the park, Richard.

It's only you that's not.

f*ck you, Lahey!

f*ck you!

Yeah, f*ck you!

You can't break up our family.

This isn't f*cking over, I can tell you that.

Bubbles, can you go get Orangie, man?

Apparently me and my family have to find a new f*cking place to live!

- Yes, I can...

get him.

- [engine starts]

- [Ricky]

This is f*cked!

- [engine sputtering, stopping]

Great!

Just put it in neutral, bud.

Jacob, get the f*ck out here and give me a hand.

Is your f*cking foot on the brake?

Lucy, do you want to give us a hand?

f*ck's sakes.

Holy f*ck, this is heavy.

[man yelling]

Who pissed on the f*cking toilet seat?

[romantic music]

Ricky, I'm...

so sorry that things didn't work out for you the way you hoped.

You know what?

I couldn't be happier.

I'm out of jail, I've got my family back, I'm getting drunk and high as f*ck.

And...

I'm getting f*cking banged tonight.

- [laughter]

- Yeah, me too.

Know where a fella can get a drink, bud?

Hey!

Yeah, I've got to share though, man.

Thank f*ck.

Did you bring Orangie?

Yeah, I brought him, Ricky.

I got Orangie here, but he's not...

as active as he used to be.

That's f*cking cool, you made a little model of him.

No, that's...

That's Orangie, Ricky.

That's him right there.

What the f*ck are you talking about, Bubbs?

He can't live like this.

No, he's... he's not living, Ricky.

No kidding!

I mean, what kind of a living is it, glued to a license plate, going around, "Ooh, I'm on a f*cking license plate"?

- It's no life.

- No, Ricky, I mean Orangie's...

he passed on, he's moved on to the land of the deadies.

[exhaling]

[voice shaking]

What the f*ck are you talking about?

- [Bubbles]

He d*ed, Ricky.

- [sobbing]

Wait, Ricky...

Ricky, Ricky, come here!

Ricky, take a deep breath.

- Ricky!

- [sobbing]

Ricky, listen, maybe... maybe "dead" wasn't the right word.

I meant, you know, he's still here, Ricky.

He's still here, he still exists in the space-time continuum.

The way it works is, like, when he ceased to be, he actually turned into a different type of energy, space-time continuum, and the way the universe up there, the black holes and everything they wrap around there's...

string theory that can prove that different things, and he can live here in the space-time continuum.

I mean, that's how the universe works, Ricky.

Black holes and thermodynamics can fold over time-space like that, so he's actually still...

ex... existing.

Okay.

Man, you scared the f*ck out of me.

I thought he was gone.

So he's okay.

Thank God.

Here's to you, little buddy.

To Orangie!

Well, he's not...

he's...

- f*ck.

- Yeah, Orangie.

Glad you're okay.

You want a drink, little buddy?

Yeah, man.

- No, no.

Orangie.

- Well, he's...

he can't...

yeah.

How's that taste, huh?

Do you want some bottle tokes?

sh**t?

It's going to be a f*cking late one tonight, boys.

- What?

- [high-pitched voice]

Hey, Orangie.

Hm.

Drink.

Just one more for Orangie.

[Theme music plays]