09x05 - The Motel Can't Live at the Motel

[bunniefuu]

[Ricky] I think this is going
to f*cking work.

Do you know how
to start a car?

Uh... yeah.

You sure?

- Uh-huh. Totally.
- Okay.

Well, get the
f*ck in there.

Let's try this.

Okay, turn it
over, Jacob.

[engine struggling]

[sighing]
Jeez.

Give it a
bit of gas!

[engine fails to ignite]

Holy f*ck, he's stupid.

Jesus f*cking Christ, Jacob!

Just floor it!

[engine revving]

f*ckin' yeah! Whoo!

Yeah! Power to the peoples!

f*cking rights, buddy!

[Jacob] Ricky!

My d*ck and my balls are
wedged in the cart! f*ck!

[theme music plays]

[rapping] Well, you know
that I'm for real

Wack MC I ain't

But I'm a-stay here
And a-scrape the paint

Ah an' scrape the paint

Scr-scrape the paint
What, scrape the paint

Scr-scrape
the paint, huh!

- Scrape the paint...
- [Julian] Cory.

- Scr-scrape the huh!
- Put some muscle into it. Come on.

Where the f*ck
is Bubbles, man?

- He's supposed to work plumbing.
- I'm sure he'll be here.

That's not good enough.
He needs to be here now!

- You're gonna have to go get him.
- Why can't you?

- I'm doing this with these guys.
- Why can't I?

Hm, let me think. Maybe 'cause
Jacob f*cked over the baby's room,

I got to deal with that 'cause
my family's coming today,

and this piece of sh*t motel is not even
close to being ready!

Okay, okay,
okay, just...

- Go get him, please!
- ...relax. I'll go.

- Thank you.
- J-Roc.

- Hey, what up?
- Could you run me over in the party bus?

Hey, lie down, bitch. Ha-ha!

I mean to the park.

Oh, too bad.
[laughing]

You guys f*cking
think this is funny?

Lucy is going to freak if there's nowhere
for the baby for-to-get washed.

- Rick, calm down.
- I'm trying to calm down,

but in case you hadn't noticed,

this is a pretty f*cking
big deal to me, Ju...

f*ckin' oyster cocks!

Do oysters
even have...

- Go get the bus.
- A'ight.

Sorry to call you
for something so silly.

I was terrified.

All the sasquatch
talk lately,

I wondered if one
crawled under there

and had a baby
or something.

No problem, ma'am.

Public safety's part
of the job description.

[growling]

Whatever it is, whoa...
sure smells like...

it needs a bath.

Do you think sasquatches
smell like balls?

What the frig?

Oh, Randy! Goddammit!

Oh, he's a g*dd*mn
mess, and drunk, too!

You listen here.

And you listen good!

Where did you get
the alcohol?

Where did you get
the alcohol?

In your mom's apartment.
[groan]

Do you think this
is a joke, soldier?

I will ask you
one more time.

Where did you
get the liquor?

Your mom wants me
to liquor liquor all over.

Randy!

Frig off, Donna!
You dumped me, remember?

You don't get to say
a g*dd*mn thing! Ow...

You will not
disrespect a woman.

Not on my watch!

You have violated
park rules,

not to mention officer
code conduct!

[Donna]
Give him another slap.

I am confiscating
your walkie, soldier.

And you are banished
from this park.

What, forever?

Until the alcohol
leaves your system.

- [zap]
- Ah!

That's hours!

- [crackling]
- Argh! Frig off!

- Goodness.
- Allow me to escort you.

If you have any
more trouble, ma'am,

don't hesitate to call.

Have a nice day.

Let's go, fat boy!

Argh!

Frig off! You're
hurting my bum!

All right, Willy.

Let's go get our family.

Do you want a hit
off that first?

Nice.

Let's go, little buddy.

[bleating]

I know it's good hash.

No, no, no.
I don't f*cking think so.

What's going on here?

Ricky, we talked
about this.

Yeah, we did.

And you said if I get
everything the baby needs,

you'd come and live
with me at the motel.

So come get in my car.
You guys are coming with me.

That's your car seat?

What the f*ck else do you
think it is, d*ck lunch?

Ricky, don't make it any
harder than it already is.

That, to me, does
not look safe.

It looks safe to me.

- Trin...
- My baby, my choice.

We're going with Dad.
Can you grab my bag, Dad?

f*cking right, I can.
Let's go, George.

Give me the f*cking bag.

Give him the
f*cking bag. Do it.

I know this is hard.

I'll let you borrow Willy
for a couple hours, okay?

Go have a beer.

He likes potato chips
and green grapes

with the crunchy things
in the middle.

And he just pissed himself,
so clean that up.

[bleating]

Whoa. Where are
you going?

On the grind. I've got a
bunch of regulars today.

I got to get them from
A to B, know what I mean?

No, you can't just leave.
There's a bunch of people

who have asked for
you specifically.

- For your mystic fingers.
- For real? Who?

I don't know , Flo,
Gladys, Vicky,

Christine... Sheila.

Look, you make these
ladies feel a way

they haven't felt in years.
You take these clients today

and I'll pay you in cash
at the end of the day with a huge raise.

And it's going to be way more
than you make driving that taxi.

- What the f*ck is that?
- It's a hand exerciser,

- and you're going to need it.
- [beatboxing]

Yo, what's up, man?
What you doing here?

What's with all the questions?
I got questions, too.

What happened to
our friendship?

Why you dressed
like Gordon from

Sesame Street,
know what I mean?

Why don't you axe her?
She the one who called me.

J-Roc is going to do
your runs today, T.

What? You got your
party bus with you?

It's down
at the gizzate.

Had to park it down there
on account of that army mafk.

So you don't mind
doing my runs, you mean?

No, why would I mind doing
you another favor, bitch?

You cornered the market
on taxi, know what I mean,

when there's a party bus driving around
empty... whose back you got?

I always got your back, dawg.
You know what it is.

Dem old hoes' backs
you got these days, dawg.

Ray, that's some list.

Won't be cheap,

but I got you.

Other hand, sayin'?

Huhh!

[Julian]
How's it going, Bubbs?

I'm busy, Julian.

Are you forgetting
about something?

I didn't forget to get
f*cking wasted last night.

Me and Randy crushed a -ouncer
that I had for you.

Bubbs, you're supposed to
be at the motel right now

fixing the plumbing.

Oh, slippery whore!

I f*cking totally
forgot, Julian.

Well, you better get
your sh*t together, bud.

I can't. I can't
do it today.

I've got Taco Tuesdays
happening.

It's Thursday.

[whispering] I know, but the old
people don't know that.

They're f*cking
right out of it.

This is my busiest
day, Julian.

I've got to make money.
I've got payments due to Eons

and to Barb and...
if f*cking people would pay me back,

I wouldn't be
in this situation.

Listen, the baby can't
move into the motel

until you've fixed
the plumbing.

So you're not doing this for me,
you're not doing this for Ricky,

you're doing it
for the baby.

All right, I'll fix the f*cking plumbing
on one condition.

What's that?

Try to speak some Spanish.
The old people love it.

[imitating fiesta trumpet]

Are you f*cking kidding me?

[Bubbles on megaphone]
Attention, people!

El Sexico will take care
of all your taco needs!

Step right up!

This is where your
gram-dad grew up.

And your great gram-dad.

Wait, can you even
understand what I'm saying?

Probably not, huh?

Well, maybe you can.
Who f*cking knows?

Anyway, we used to live here

[shouting] until two dicks decided
it was o-dumb o'clock

on their f*cking
stupid army watches!

You can both f*ck off!

Okay, hold on,
Marguerite-o.

You wanted mucho
salsa, right?

No-o-o. I said no
onion, extra guac.

Can't you get that through your
thick chest, you f*cking yo-yo?

Oh, for Christ's sake,

we look forward to Taco Tuesday
every week.

It's all we've got.
Don't f*ck it up,

El Sexico.

Jesus Christ,
I'm f*cking trying here, okay?

- Pfft.
- Go take a seat. I'll call you

when it's ready.

Everyone take a f*cking seat.
I'll call you!

[various moaning, mixed complaints]

Jesus Christ.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

What do you want?

This morning
I found Randy drunk under a porch.

Where did he get
the liquor, Julian?

I couldn't tell you
and I don't give a flying f*ck, okay?

Your brand, isn't it?

You know what?
f*ck this, I'm closed.

I don't know where
the rum came from

- and I can't make f*cking tacos!
- [moaning]

What did you re-fry
these beans in? sh*t?

Why don't you go
f*ck yourself?

Make your own
beans, Larry.

Way to f*ck us
all, Dicko!

Oh, that's real lady-like.
Why don't you go make

a f*cking appointment
with Donna and relax?

El Boo-o! El Boo-o!

El Boo-o! El Boo-o!

It's hard to get around
the corners with this.

How's this, Bubbles?

[Bubbles]
Jesus Christ, Cory!

I'm in charge of getting
a shower put in here

for the baby and for
the family to use.

So it was pretty easy.
I took a piece of rain-pipe,

you know, like that,

and I fed it out
through the wall

and hooked it into
the main gutter system.

And it's just going
to collect rainwater,

nice fresh rainwater.

And it'll all collect and then
when it's time for a shower,

I'll have a thing
on here and you...

give her a pull and you've
got a nice clean shower.

It's going to work
f*cking great.

[gurgle]

Cory!

[Cory]
What?

You stupid son of a whore!

What's up, dude?

I thought I told you
to clean out the gutters?

I did. I got,
like, three bags.

[sighing]
What's a gutter, Cory?

A ditch?

Stupid bastard.

Your chariot awaits,
tighties. Sayin'.

What's up, LaToniona?

Hey, there's secrets.

- [laughing]
- Y'all remember that?

Be careful with that precious cargo,
know what I mean?

J-Roc, man, I thought you said this was
going to be a quick pick-up.

It takes how long
it takes, dawg.

I've got sh*t
to do, man.

- You've got to relax, Bixby.
- All right.

Why you so worried about time, anyway,
you know?

Only time I'm concerned with
is having a good one.

Oh, f*ck. Randy.

Guys!

Wassup, Gut-tanamo Bay?

Guys, can I get
on the bus?

I'm tired,
I'm thirsty,

I'm frigging
starving.

Don't look starvin'
on my eyes.

Not a f*cking chance, Randy.

Unless you got
cover charge for two.

For two?

You and that gut,
know'm sayin'?

- [sighing]
- bucks, dawg.

A'ight! Get drinkin',
Gaybraham Lincoln!

- The f*ck did you do?
- Here you go.

Making money. Sayin'?

- All right.
- You have to relax, dawg!

Hey, welcome
home, baby Ray!

[Ricky] Bubbles, shut the
f*ck up! He's sleeping!

- Oh.
- [Trinity] Hey, Bubbles.

[Bubbles whispering]
Hey, Trin.

Ricky...
Watch it, Ricky.

Ricky, wa... you're going
to hook him like a tuna.

Check him out.

[chuckling]

You wait till you see this
f*cking baby's room.

It's going to be
a nursery, too.

[giggling]
Fresh baby!

This is where you're going
to be sleeping, baby Ray.

Check out this f*cking
mobile I made you.

Isn't that f*cking dope?

[giggling]
Yeah, look, I made a rain-shower.

Look at this.

Look at this
how she works.

Oh... Does it have
hot water as well?

No hot water.
Hot water burn baby.

[chuckling]
Get it? Rain Man.

[laughing]

He was f*cked.

So...

what do you think?

It's, um...

It's...

It's awesome, Dad.

Thank you so much.

You put so much
work into this.

You're welcome, Trin.

I'm just so f*cking glad
to have my family back.

You too, Jacob.

[horn beeping]

f*ck's sakes!

[honking]

Oh, you finally decided
to get your own girlfriend,

did you, George, instead
of banging other people's?

You must be completely
f*cked in the head

to be dating officer
f*cking-ding-dong-French-fry-cock.

I'm not interested
in discussing my personal life.

No?

Where is The Motel?

[giggling]
Holy f*ck.

Well, at least you picked someone
your own brain-size, George.

It's right in front of you!

I mean the baby.
"The Motel."

The motel?
Am I missing something here?

"Lead" my lips.

It's right in
front of you.

What baby motel?

You tell me.
It says right here

on the birth certificate
under "Name: The Motel".

Oh, Jacob, you really
f*cked this up!

Under address
you wrote "Ray".

Right. And under
baby's name...

"The Motel."

So my gramson's name
is The f*cking Motel?

No, Ricky,
just The Motel.

[Jacob] Did I ever f*ck
that up, eh, Ricky?

You know what?
I'm actually almost proud

of what a big
f*ck-up that was!

Un-f*cking-believable.

[Trinity]
I don't know. The Motel.

It's kind of cute.

Yeah, we'll just
call him Moe.

I don't care what
the baby's name is.

It's just my job to determine
whether or not he can live here.

What the f*ck does
that suppose to mean?

Good thing I knew
where you guys lived.

Otherwise Karen would've never
been able to find you.

Ricky. Ricky,
it's not worth it.

That was a prick job.
That was a prick job.

[Ricky]
This is bullshit!

It's obviously a
work-in-process but...

you should've seen
how f*cked it was before.

It was a complete
sh*thole before we fixed it up.

Pretty good, huh?

Look... I know
how much you want...

The Motel to live here,

but you have to understand
this is my job.

I mean, I just can't,
in good conscience,

let a baby grow up here.

- No, it's okay.
- [fuses blowing]

For f*ck's sakes!

Jacob, will you go
start the car again?

A baby needs a
stable environment.

I had a stable
for an environment,

but Lucy said a barn
wasn't good enough either.

So what is good enough?

- [car engine humming]
- See?

I'm sorry.
Really, I am, but...

we're going to have
to find another home

for Trinity
and The Motel.

Even if it's just
temporarily.

[sighing]

f*ck my ass and my
mouth and my tits.

You have to let them
stay here, please.

Hey, stop!

Look,

have I f*cked up my life?

Big time,
pretty much every day.

But I love my
little gramson,

and there's a lot of people here
that can help for-to-get him raised.

We don't have much but
we have each other.

That's not nothing.
What's more important

than a little
f*cking child

growing up with
his f*cking family?

Please...

Please don't do this.

- [loud bass coming from bus]
- [horn honking]

Hey, hit me on the hip, Tighty,
you know'm sayin'?

Dang, gimme some
of that fried chicken.

What's crackin',
Tighty?

[Ricky]
Turn that sh*t off

so I can talk to this
f*cking nice lady!

Look, George has kindly offered
to let Trinity and The Motel

stay at his place
for the time being.

You know him.
You can visit there.

It's not such a bad option.

Do I have a
f*cking choice here?

[scoff]

Dad, we should just
do what the fancy government lady says.

You'll figure it out and
we'll be together soon.

Sorry, dude.

Got your goat, Rick.

Hey, Willy.

It's for the best.

You know what would really be
for the best, George?

If you would f*ck
the f*ck off!

What's going on?

The Motel can't live
at the motel.

What?

Uh, through a series
of unfortunate events,

it seems that the
baby's legal name

is The Motel.

That lady is from Social Services,
said he can't live here.

At the motel?

Correct.

Hey, T, how's it going?

It's tiring, man.

Them old hoes
demand a lot of attention, sayin'?

And I don't know how much longer
I can keep doing this.

That's your cut
for this week.

So maybe it's time
for you to retire from T's AXI,

because we are making
mad skrilla, T.

Hm-m-m.

Feelin' better already.

Leslie...
Barb and I...

we really appreciate
what you're doing here.

We do.

Just doing
my job, Jim.

Not for praise
but for personal satisfaction.

- Ah...
- [chuckle]

I was wondering, uh...

if perhaps you
were being a bit

too hard on
Randy today.

I mean...

We've known him for years.
He's harmless.

Absolutely not.
[chuckles]

Are you calling
into question

my ability to run
a m*llitary operation?

Oh, no, of course
not, Leslie,

but this isn't a m*llitary
operation, I...

We just want people
in the park

to feel happy and
safe and secure...

Bullshit!

That is absolute
and utter

% Grade A Iowa
bull-sh*t!

Do you know the quickest
way to lose a w*r?

By being soft.

And, in this case,

being soft is allowing
one tiny drop of alcohol

the size of
an ant's rectum

into this
Godforsaken park!

I'll never forget
what happened in Wonju.

The only way out was
to drink ourselves out.

And drink we did.

For four days and
six nights straight.

I drank my weight

in filthy, warm liquor.

But I did not complain.

Not once.

Hey, soldier.

I brought you some of
my famous meat pie.

Just as a way of saying thanks

for coming to my rescue earlier.

Do you want a piece of this?

Sure, yeah.

Dang, I don't remember ordering
you on angel.com.

You don't recognize me,
do you, J-Roc?

Give a mahfucker a minute right quick,
it'll come back.

I thought you
should meet Mitch.

Hey, what up, Mitch?

Don't call me
Mitch, bitch!

Mitch, this is your
father, Jamie.

- This mayonnaise-colored mahfucka?
- [J-Roc] Hey!

Hell, no!

He wants to be
a rapper just like his daddy.

Anyway, good luck,
Jamie. I'm outta here.

Hey, where you goin'?

To Ontario to get
on a reality show.

It's my turn now, baby.
Gotta chase my dream.

I love you, baby. Peace!

Dang, Mitch, yo mamma
got dumps like a truck!

So what's poppin'
you, man?

I think I saw you
rappin' at the park.

Your game was tight.

Good for you, Casper
the Friendly Mahfucka.

'Scuse, bitch.

Hey! what up, cuz?
I'm MC Flurry, y'all.

What up, dawg?

Wha?

[Bubbles]
Isn't fire freaky, Ricky?

[Ricky]
Especially when you're baked.

[Julian]
Get 'em in you, boys.

[Bubbles]
Nice.

[Ricky] I hope there's a lot
more of this sh*t.

Don't worry, Rick.
I'm going to figure

all this bullshit
out, buddy.

I don't know, Julian.

That government lady made
it seem like this place

was way more fucky
than we thought it was.

And the more thinkings
I have about it,

I don't know if
I want The Motel

to grow up in a
greasy storage motel.

I want him to grow up
somewhere awesome

where people just
like to f*cking chill and party.

Yeah, somewhere like
Sunnyvale, for instance.

At least we knew
what we were dealing with there.

I want The Motel
to have this awesome childhood

like we did, you know,
skipping school,

smashing windows with pellet g*ns,
f*cking getting drunk.

- Just having a good time.
- [sighing]

Boys, I've got to
tell you something.

[sighing]

Okay, well,
f*cking spit it out.

Did you guys actually think
that I want to live

in that greasy,
f*cking rat-infested sh*thole?

f*ck that.

What are you talking about?

Then why are we working so hard
to fix the f*cking thing?

So we can get the park back.

That's been part of my
plan the whole time, man.

- What?
- Yeah!

Julian, I consider myself
a pretty smart guy.

I don't have a baker's
f*ck of an idea

what you're talking about.

Reverse psychology.

The best way to
get back the park

is to pretend like we don't
give a f*ck about the park.

Trust me, boys.

The only reason why
I didn't tell you guys

is because I was worried Ricky
was going to f*ck it all up.

No offense, bud.

None taken.

Why the f*ck
didn't you tell me about it?

I don't f*ck up
every single thing I try to do.

- No offense, Ricky.
- I'm good.

[Julian] Because you're
too honest, Bubbs.

You eventually would have
told Ricky what's going on

and he definitely would've
f*cked everything up.

- No offense again, bud.
- I'm cool.

Look, if you're serious
about getting the park back,

I will do whatever the
f*ck it takes, Julian.

Oh, my f*ck! Me, too!

You serious?
[chuckling]

I couldn't figure out
why the f*ck you guys

were just deserting me there.
It didn't make sense.

This is awesome!

To reverse
psychology, boys.

To reverse psychology.

To... whatever
you guys said.

This is f*cking awesome!

[cackling]

[seabirds squawking]

[fish]
f*ck! f*ck! f*ck off! f*ck...

[whisper]
Fucka.