09x10 - The Liquor Snurf

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.*
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Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
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09x10 - The Liquor Snurf

Post by bunniefuu »

[police siren wailing]

Steve Rogers here,
with "Live in The Sky".

What began as our "Sasq-watch"

has now evolved into
a high speed chase

involving three bears.

It appears, police
are in hot pursuit.

Dude, man, you
just gotta do it.

Okay, I will.

I mean, I'll try.

f*ck I'm so
nervous, dude.

Can you ask
her for me?

Uh, hell to
the no, man.

Come on, man,
guy's gotta hang his own bird.

Besides, I'm
not your family.

And it's
pretty weird.

You're my family,
Cory. Totally.

We're brothers.

Yeah, man.
Brothers.

[Ricky] I've got a plan,
we're not f*cking going to jail.

We're not going to jail!

[Bubbles] I might as well get
my jail suit on!

[Ricky]
I cannot f*cking believe

I'm caught up in this sh*t!
I'm trying not to break the law,

now I'm in a f*cking
high speed chase!

[Randy]
Get into Ricky's trailer!

[Bubbles] I'm gonna die!
I'm going to f*cking die!

There appears to be another animal
with the bears now.

It looks like a
walrus in a blanket.

[Ricky] Get in the f*cking
trailer, Bubs!

You know
I love you.

I'm so happy
we're all a family.

I was wondering
if you would... would you...

- [Ricky] Hey Lucy, hey Trin.
- What...

How's the
baby Motel?

[theme music playing]

[Lucy]
What the hell is going on here?

Here, I've got
hair bear for ya.

Bit of a long
story, actually.

Oh, my God!

We got into a f*cking horror
show at the motel.

Cops followed us here.

Heli-cocksucker
in the sky.

- We're in big sh*t here!
- Cops?

[cop]
We have the trailer surrounded.

[Julian]
Cory, Jacob, put the suits on.

Yeah. Why?

[Julian]
'Cause things got f*cked up

and you guys got to go
to jail for me for a bit.

No, no,
no, no, no.

I can't let that happen,
sorry, Jacob.

Dad, you're going
back to jail?

Okay, back up.

You've spent
months trying to get us

to come and live here
with you as a family.

Now we're here,
you and I haven't banged yet

and you want to go back to jail?
You are f*cked!

Look, I'll go to jail,
you guys can bang.

You're not going
to jail, Jacob.

Trin and The Motel need
you here with them.

You spent most
of Trinity's childhood in jail

and look how perfect
she turned out.

Let me do this for Moe.
It'll make me a better father.

Well, you got a
good point there.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no,

He's got to come to
jail with me, man.

It's going to be no more
than two days max, dude.

Come on, please,
let him come with me.

Please, please.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Get the f*ck out here!

[Cory] Dude, man,
we're coming! Shut up!

You know what, I got hostages and sh*t,
we ain't even moving

till you get us
our f*cking pizza!

Cory, shut the f*ck up,
saying we got hostages!

My God, boys, I'm freaking out,
I can't go to jail.

Randy, put this on.

I don't want
to go jail.

- Do you want me to deal with Lahey?
- Yeah...

Well then, put the
f*cking bear costume on!

Look, I barely have a record,
just let me do this, all right?

Listen, I'll put
it on, Julian,

but I'm not doing it
for you, I'm doing it for...

- For love, for Mr. Lahey.
- [Julian] Just put it on!

- [Ricky] Jacob, give me that f*cking...
- [mixed arguing]

Jacob, just give him the suit,
you son of a whore!

Oh, my f*ck,
I'm gonna crank you.

- Come out right now...
- [Bubbles] Hurry up!

[cops] ...we'll break the door down!

[Bubbles]
Hurry up! You're all sweaty!

- Randy, get that on...
- [continued mixed shouts]

[Ricky]
Put the f*cking bear costume on!

Jacob, I'm going to
f*cking wallop you!

[Steve Rogers on radio]
The furry fugitives

have barricaded themselves...

Two at the door. One more
at least in the room.

Okay, okay here we
go guys, here we go.

Move it, move it, hands up!

Get your f*cking
hands up!

Bears in custody. I repeat,
bears in custody.

Looks like this incident
ended peacefully.

I'm Steve Rogers, signing off.

Come on, let's go.
You, off.

Same, let's go.

Dude, we're going
to have so much fun

hanging out together
in jail.

[cop] Hey, where's that
other guy in there?

How's it going?
My name is Rick.

I'm the owner of the trailer,
just coming from... church...

Yeah, I'll debrief
you in a sec, sir.

- Trin, can I talk to you for a sec?
- What is it, Jacob?

- I was wondering if you...
- [cop] Yeah, come on.

- If I what?
- Ricky! Help!

- Wait, what?
- Ricky...

What's going on, Jacob?
Take it easy.

I was wondering,
would you propose to Trin for me?

I'd be happy to... son.

- Thanks.
- [cop] Okay, let's go.

Have fun in jail,
say hi to everybody.

We got to go
bang right now.

- Right now.
- God, yeah, let's go.

Ohhh, hmmm...

Be right back, Bubs.

- Where are you going?
- To deal with Lahey.

[engine ignition]

Here, Willy, look.

Look, who's that?
That's you, as a bottle!

- [giggling]
- [bleating]

- [Lucy moaning loudly]
- [thumping]

[Julian]
Jim.

Jim!

Jim!

Blulian!

Jesus Christ, what
the hell are you doing?

- [slurring]
- No, you're not,

you're trying to drink
yourself to death

in a g*dd*mn
liquor bath!

[unintelligible muttering]

Look, I've got
a new offer.

Let's just
sell the park,

cut our losses,

and start fresh.

[unintelligible]

Jim, you're like
a father to me.

Like the father
I've never had.

[sentimental music]

This park's been a pain
in our asses

for a long, long time.

Won't you come
live in the motel?

Whaddya say, Dad?

[unintelligible]

All you have to do,
is sign right there.

Then we'll have
a new beginning.

[music continues]

All right, all right,
that's en... that's enough, Jim.

Ohhhh!

Just sign it.

[unintelligible]

Yeah.

- We did it.
- [squealing] Yeah, we did it.

Put these on and
let's go celebrate.

This is a good
thing, Jim Lahey.

[slurring]
This is a good thing, Julian!

I'm okay, Julian...

I'm okay.

[Ricky] f*ck, I missed
this thing.

[Lucy]
Okay, but, circle...

- double-U...
- [knocking]

Jeez, Trin's here, Trin.

- Hey, Trin.
- [Trinity] I'm sorry,

I need to know
what Jacob said to you.

[Ricky]
Okay.

Just, uh, just have
a seat, sweetie.

[grunting, groaning]

Well, there's no real easy
way to... do this, I guess.

He just wanted
me to get down

on one knee
and ask you...

Oh, my God, yes!

'Kay, hold on
a second, though, I mean...

You do realize
that he's not...

good at smartly kinds of things.
He's...

can't keep a job,
he draws like an assh*le...

Dad.

It's okay,
he's just like you.

Okay, well...

Trinity...

Will you marry me?

I mean, will you
marry Jacob?

Yes, of course.

- Congratulations, sweetie.
- Thanks, Dad.

- I'm so happy for you guys.
- Thank you.

Sorry, I just got
this thing from...

- your mom.
- Yes, that's okay.

We're going
to go now.

I'm happy
for you guys.

Just... can you close the door
and not come in

for... about
five minutes?

So sweet, and...
so f*cking hot.

- I got to put this in you.
- [giggling]

What's going on, Julian?

Got some good news, buddy.
We've just got to wait for Lahey.

Ay, Julian, I'm back
with the fugees, y'all!

- [cheering]
- Sayin'! Back up in it!

You coming out, Lahey, bud?

That was awesome.

- Oh!
- [Ricky] Jesus Christ,

you look like
a f*cking snurf!

[Bubbles laughing]
A liquor snurf!

[Smurfs theme song]
♪ La-la-la f*ck yourself! ♪

[Julian]
All right, that's enough, Bubs.

All right, everyone.

Jim and I have an
announcement to make.

We just sold the park.

[man yelling]
Jesus Christ!

Who the f*ck did
you sell it to?

[Julian] We sold it to an
investment company.

And the president
of that company...

is me.

[cheers, chuckles]

[muttering]

I'm the new owner of
Sunnyvale, there, Jim.

And as the new owner,
I'd like to do two things.

Number one: This is
no longer a dry park.

- Yeah!
- [cheering]

[Julian] You can drink
whatever you want,

whenever you want,
hours a day if you want.

- Woo hoo hoo!
- [cheering]

[Ricky]
What about hash and weed?

- [Julian] Sure, man. Anything.
- Nice.

[Julian]
And number two...

- Jim?
- Yeah.

I want you...

to get the f*ck
out of my park.

[various]
Ooh...

[Jim slurring]

...motel?

Unfortunately,
the motel b*rned down this morning.

[Julian]
Thank f*ck I had fire insurance.

Great time for that
to happen, eh, bud?

Perfect timing.

[chuckling]
You did it to yourself, Jim.

You did it the day
you wouldn't let Ricky in,

and you did it the day
you turned this into a dry park.

Now get the f*ck
out of here.

[Ricky]
You heard him, Lahey.

Get the f*ck outta here!

Get the f*ck out!

Yeah!

[chanting]
Get the f*ck out!

Get the f*ck out!

- Get the f*ck out!
- [J-Roc] What!

- Get the f*ck out!
- Bitch!

- Get the f*ck out!
- Huh!

- Get the f*ck out!
- That's what's up.

Get the f*ck out!

That's what's up.
That's what's up.

[Bubbles] That's the last time
you f*ck with us!

[Julian]
Okay, everyone.

Welcome back
to the new...

old Sunnyvale.

[cheering]

Now, I got a tub of
Roc vodka in there.

Ten bucks a head,
all you can drink.

Let's get f*cking drunk!

Yeah!

Drinky-time, buddy.

Great going, Julian.
I'll take a rain check,

I'm going to bang
Lucy again.

Right on, buddy.

Let's go,
let's go, you guys,

Ten bucks inside, I'll get it from you.

[slurring]

I don't f*cking...

piece of sh*t!

Just f*ck off.

Get the f*ck off...

my f*cking park now!

You guys...

never allowed in my...
f*cking park again... ever!

Take your f*cking...

cocksucking cameras,

shove them up your f*cking
archetypical asses!

[g*nsh*t]

[Ricky] Nobody throws a party
for you when you're bornt.

You have to wait a
whole g*dd*mn year.

Why the f*ck
is that fair?

I couldn't wait
that long.

I want to show
my gramson how much I love him.

I got Willy-goat, Ricky.

Well, it's about
f*cking time.

I'm trying to have a
family portrait here.

How's it going,
little man?

Oh, you like that,
don't ya?

Things are going so
well with Ricky and I,

it took us a while
to start banging again,

but now that we are,
he is, uh...

he's giving %,
for sure, uh,

it's dirty.

The f*ck is wrong
with this thing, Bubs?

[whispering]
Willy pooped in the punch.

Can you taste it?

I didn't taste it.

I got to get
fresh punch.

Taste it and see
if you can taste it.

Nice looking
wiener there, Rick.

Thanks, Luce.

Ricky.

We're the happiest
we've ever been.

I mean, after
my Dad proposed to me...

on Jacob's behalf,

everything just kind
of fell into place.

Look.

It follows you wherever
you look. Yeah!

Ay, let me tell y'all
something right quick.

Sometimes life's
like "Bing, bong!

Hey man! Got a surprise
for your candy,

some sh*t you didn't see
coming," y'know I mean?

And I'll be
honest with you,

This was my surprise
right hurr.

- Whaddup y'all?
- You know I'm sayin'?

And at first,
I was like,

"Ain't got time for
this, y'know I mean?

I got hoes to row,
you know I'm sayin'?

Skrilla to make,
joints to drop."

But then I realized something
important, y'all:

You don't gotta
choose maf'ks.

One mafk go to the other mefk,
you just combine meefks!

You know I mean?

Know what I know?

I'm down with old hoes.

Makin' breakfast,
goin' for walks.


I don't care if all the hustlers
gonna judge me.

A mahfucka feel safe.
Know I mean?

Plus, I've been around,

I know just how
to snack it up,

flip it,

and rub it down.
Sayin'?

Now, ain't that
some sh*t.

First I was like,
"Who's this

Kelsey Grammar-lookin' bitch?"

But turns out
he's a'ight.

Dang right,
and now we tight.

And we combined forces
in a brand new business venture.

Yeah!

It's still a party bus,
and it's still bumping.

But now it's more like,
a birthday party bus, you know I mean?

Goose! When I say silly,
y'all say goose! Silly...

- [all] Goose!
- Silly!

- Goose!
- When I say silly...

We still poppin'
bottles and all dat,

but now it's more
like, bottles of...

ginger ale,
or root beer rep. Sayin'?

Silly, silly, goose,
silly, huh! Silly, huh!

The only thing
that sucks about being in jail

is that it went
by too fast, man.

We had so much
fun there.

Hey!

But now we got a
wedding to plan.

And I couldn't think
of a better best man.

[squeal]

- Aha, gotcha.
- [chuckling]

In hindsight I might've got...
a little carried away

on the entrepreneurial front.

You know, I started trying to expand
like Richard Branson.

Basically, and I just...
it was too much, too fast,

and then I got
a little bit, you know...

a little carried away with...

possessions like... TVs,
and... nice fancy shed

and all the things I had.

And really, I figured
you don't need that stuff.

You just need your friends
and your family,

some... liquor,
some nice liquor,

some nice dope, and some...
nice warm kitties

to keep you company at night.
[chuckling]

[imitating Mexican hat dance]

Things couldn't be going any better for me
right now, in my life.

I mean, I'm the owner of Sunnyvale
Trailer Park, for f*ck's sakes.

How good does that sound?

Things were going a little
fucky there for a little while,

and I was going to
throw in the towel,

but then I said "Hey, reverse
psychology is working for you."

So I stuck with it,
and what can I say?

Everything worked out.

Hey, babe.

I was thinking,
I'm getting a little tired...

Thinking about maybe we shouldn't
get some greasy sh*t

going later on tonight.

See, that's
reverse psychology.

Want a drink?

Yeah, just...
get that in ya.

Life's great.

I'm in for arson.

Burning down the f*cking motel.

Jail f*ckin' sucks.

But, on the plus side,

I got lots of time
to figure out how in the f*ck

I'm going to f*cking
f*ck Julian back over.

'Cause the fuzz says
they got me on videotape.

But there's only one ape
coulda done that.

f*ckin' jerkmeat Julian
better watch the f*ck out.

Cyrus! You piece of sh*t!

I know you set me up!

You f*ckin' rats!

Every time you open
your mouth, Tommy,

my cock gets homesick.

Oh, I got four words
for you, m*therf*cker:

"Slingshot to the face!"

- f*ck you.
- No, f*ck you!

We hit the road,
just to get out of Sunnyvale for a bit.

All the drama.
All the assholes.

Yeah, we opened up
a Mystic Fingers day spa in Yarmouth.

And business was good, too.
Like, really good.

Oh, we were k*lling it.

Till one of the seniors
turned out to be a police officer.

Cops don't like it when you cop a feel.
[chuckling]

So we got arrested.
Ooh!

My name is Colonel Dancer.

Not Private Dancer.

You don't crawl up through
the swamp of rankings

to be called a "Private".

I'm a colonel.

I always will be a colonel.

To hell with that,
I might even make general.

No, I'll go further.

I'll be a g*dd*mn
field marshal.

Pearl-handled
revolvers, baton,

make Patton look
like a p*ssy.

Be back on Omaha Beach
again 'fore we know it,

with real men. People
doing a mission, a job,

getting the job done.

What are you drooling
for, soldier?

Getting thrown in jail's been
a happy accident.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
we had great business in Yarmouth.

But business in
jail is banging.

Like, literally banging.

'Cause there's
tons of bored chicks here

that want to pass
the time with the mystic fingers, right?

We are making
money hand over fist.

I could run the country,
I could run the world,

I could run a marathon.

Do you want to
run a marathon?

Whaddya say, soldier?
Let's do it,

let's go now,
the two of us,

just us against
the world!

What's wrong with
these people?

Even though
our journey was to Yarmouth,

I feel like my personal journey
was more profound.

Like, life-changing.

I realized that
my entire life

I have been
defined by a man.

And I don't
need one.

You love a person,
not a gender.

And all through
this whole thing,

Sarah has been a rock.

And, Donna too.

[chuckling]

Men, I've got
my girls.

Here's a brand new
one, little buddy.

Look, it matches
Grampie's shirt.

It's great, Dad.

I'm so glad
you were bornt.

You want
another drink?

[guitar music]

Here you go.

Hm, delicious isn't it?

♪ Liquor and whores ♪

♪ Liquor and whores ♪

[Ricky] Let me take
him around.

Sure.

♪ ...and dope
and mustard and baloney ♪

Let's go see
some people.

Thanks for coming
to the borntday party.

♪ Drinkin' at the Legion ♪

♪ I met a girl
She was nice ♪

♪ She was pretty and pleasing ♪

♪ Liquor and whores ♪

- ♪ Liquor and whores ♪
- I'm going to go see Lahey.

♪ Cigarettes and dope
and mustard and baloney ♪

♪ Liquor and whores ♪

Hey, I brought you
some cake, bud.

[Lahey]
Julian! Haha!

How you doing, bud?

That was really
thoughtful of you.

[Randy]
Hey, Julian.

I'm surprised
your pants aren't on fire

you're such a
friggin' liar.

What are you
talking about?

I went to jail for you,

I should be allowed back in
the trailer park.

- You frigged me over.
- Jesus, Randy.

You're allowed
in the park.

Just not with him.

That's not friggin' fair.

Yeah, it's fair, Randy.

I've frigged myself over,
but I recognize that.

- Randy, I did what I had to do, okay?
- Right.

It's for the best, anyway.

Have a good night, Jim.

Cheers, Juli.

[Randy]
Bastard.

Randy! Don't talk
like that, bud.

You know what?

I'm going to get
the park back.

How the frig are you
going to do that?

Randy, it'll be a
piece of cake, bud.

Piece of cake.

I'm already sexy steps ahead
of him, Bo-bander.

[singing heard in distance]

[snoring]

[sniffing]

[grunts]

- [pop]
- Oof!

Now!

Ugh!

[moaning]

Bag him and
tag him, Amanda.

And get some
of that de-stink

from behind
the front seat.

[farting]

Tagged and
bagged him.

Good work.

[engine revving]

♪ Liquor and whores ♪

♪ Liquor and whores ♪

[music continues]

[chattering]

[laughing]

[bleating]

[seabirds squawking]

[fish]
f*ck! f*ck! f*ck off! f*ck...

[whisper]
Fucka.
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