12x05 - Happy Birthday Bubbles

[bunniefuu]

Just gonna get this
picnic basket loaded on!

Last item going on!

Gonna spend the day by myself,

- just me and my kitties!
- [cats meowing]

Hmm, yeah!

Just me by myself!

Nothing important happened
on this day in history,

that's for sure.

Don't need anybody.
I can have fun, just me and you guys.

We're gonna have a good day,
aren't we, Burton Cummings?

You be good, Conway Kitty.

Yeah, okay!

The fun train is pulling out
of the station!

Last chance to climb aboard!

[man] Would you shut the f*ck up?
I'm trying to sleep!

Yeah, okay. That's it, then.

I'm leaving!

Here I go!

Leaving this area
where we all live together,

as best friends...

to be by myself.

Nothing special about today,
that's for sure.

- [man] Shut the f*ck up!
- [Bubbles whimpers]

[theme music]

Glen, get the f*ck over here.

See this right here?

See this caulking?
It's decaying.

At any time this window
could pop out and k*ll somebody.

What's that got
to do with me, though?

[scoffing] What... what if a family
were to come in here, okay?

Walk by here with their kids,
and all of a sudden, boom!

The window pops out
and kills everybody, huh?

- [static]
- Good to go, bud, good to go.

Huh? How would you feel about...
I can't f*cking believe you, man.

[Glen] I care if a family
gets k*lled but...

- how is that my problem?
- How is that your problem?

- I just work here.
- [Ricky on walkie] ...landed in the garden

- [beep]
- Get the f*ck over here. Come see this.

Today is Bubbles' birthday,
so Ricky and I

are trying to plan
something really cool for him.

I mean, the past few years,
we've been in jail

and last year we totally f*cking
forgot about it, which was a nightmare.

So today we have this surprise
party planned for him.

You know, Trin and Sarah, they've been
gearing things up all morning.

Now I just have to get him his gift.

And this gift I'm giving him,
it's gonna blow his f*cking mind.

I can't wait till he gets it.

All right, kids.
You guys ready to borrow this rocket

- for Bubbles' birthday?
- [kids] Yeah!

[child] Careful! Oh my God. Be careful.

I mean, look at this sh*t. This is way
worse than the last f*cking window.

I cannot believe nobody's been
f*cking k*lled yet in here.

This isn't even my store, though.

- I'm just confused now.
- Confused about what?

I don't know. I just don't see
where you're coming from, dude.

- Do you know why?
- Why?

Because you're f*cking dumb, Glen.
That's why.

Shouldn't you be talking to Bobby
anyways? This is just f*cked.

Hey, hey, hey! You do not walk away
from a security officer.

Right here!
Get back here!

Hey, Julian.

Gary, hey, buddy...

You weren't supposed
to be back until next week.

Yeah, I know.
The guy giving the course,

he had... he had a heart att*ck,
the lucky bastard.

So they... they cut it short.

- What's going on here?
- [static]

The pigeons have the cucumber.
I repeat, the pigeons have the cucumber.

- We're making our way out of the store.
- [beep]

Who was that? Was that Ricky?

Yeah, he... he just bought a walkie.
He figured out the frequencies

and he's just been f*cking around
with me, but I'm on it.

Ricky, Gary, my boss,
he's back unexpectedly here.

- [Ricky] Back, back.
- How am I supposed to do a good job

when you keep coming in
and driving me crazy?

You know how serious I am
about this job, Ricky. Come on.

Can you please stop f*cking
around, embarrassing me?

[beep]

So you want the pigeons
to put the cucumber back on the shelf?

- Or what the f*ck do you want here?
- [beep]

I don't know what you're talking about,
pigeons and cucumbers,

but yeah, okay, I'll play along with you.

Put it back and fly the pigeons
the f*ck out of here, okay? Okay!

[beep]

Back on the shelf,
put it back on the shelf.

Now what the f*ck
are we supposed to do, Julian, huh?

f*ck's sakes! All right.
You know what?

You tell Gary he can
polish the shaft

and the tip of my cock
with his f*cking tongue.

- [beep]
- Ricky, you stay off of our frequencies!

They're restricted.

And you better not be
in this mall, Ricky,

because you're banned
and you know it!

- [feedback]
- [Ricky] Hey, Gary, turn the f*ck around.

[beep]

[Gary] Out! Or I'm calling the cops!

Take it, Gary, right down to the base.

- You take... You know you want it!
- Really?

- It won't happen again, I promise.
- Really?

I know, okay. I'm just...
I've got to make my rounds.

Okay? I'll talk to you in a bit.

[thud]

I don't care if it is your money, bud.
We're not hiring him.

He was the dumbest cop on the force.

And not only that, he's dirty.

You know, I might have been a drunk

but I was never dirty.

But he's the only one
that responded to the ad, Mr. Lahey.

- I think we should give him a chance.
- No way!

He's a g*dd*mn loser, Randy!

Look, guys...

I'm desperate here, I've got nothing.

I've been living in Ray's old place
down at the dump.

Yeah, well, you can rot down there
as far as I'm f*cking concerned, George.

Mr. Lahey, have some compassion.

When has this piece of sh*t ever shown me
any compassion, Randy?

He's the guy who got me
kicked off the f*cking force.

[sighing] Please, Jim.

What?

I could really use the money.

Yeah, well, couldn't we all?

Look, the ad said "experienced".

You're not f*cking experienced, George!

I was a cop.

I think I can handle it.

Yeah. You were
a g*dd*mn shitty cop, George,

and you couldn't handle it

and that's why you're
standing right here.

It's fate, George.

It's the karmic wheel of sh*t,

flinging sh*t balls all over.

You know, it's like the f*cking...

all of those little f*cking sh*t magnets
in your head, George,

are f*cking around because
they're caught in the sh*t wheel

and f*cking flinging those little sh*t
axioms in your dendrites

and they're f*cked over.
That's all it is.

- Mr. Lahey.
- What?!

If you do this for me,
I'll do that special thing you like.

Oh...

Oh.

Okay, well then...

Okay, George,

I'll tell you what,

bucks a week
and you can live in the shed out back.

I'll take it.

Good.

Uh, Randy, uh...

grab the pepper grinder and, uh...

and some dish soap, uh...

See you, George.

There, see.
This isn't so bad.

We're gonna have a great day
at the park, just like I promised.

Look at all the people here,

having fun with their friends.

That's what I'm doing too.

Having fun with my friends.
You guys have a snack.

- Oh, look. Look at this.
- [meow]

I brought your favourite catnips,
all four of them.

I got the bubble maker here.
You guys can play with this.

- [fan whirring]
- [laughs]

Yeah, this is pretty good.

I don't need anybody but you guys.

And we're gonna have the perfect day.
Let's get at it.

- [sniff]
- Oh, for f*ck's sakes, guys!

Who pissed on the sandwiches?

[meowing]

[click]

f*ck's sakes, the whole basket!

[sigh]

This is everything we had on us
and everything Sarah had on her.

- This is like bucks between yous.
- Well, Sarah had of it, Jacob had .

- I had nothing, dude, but I helped.
- All right, here you go.

Sorry, Julian. You don't have enough.

I'm aware of that, Glen.
It's bucks, that's every cent I have.

I'm sorry but, if my cash comes up short,
it comes out of my pocket.

It's, like, f*cking dollars.
I'll get you back.

So you want me to loan you bucks?
When do you get paid?

In a couple of weeks.

[laughing] Oh, my f*ck.

Okay, I'll go get a f*cking advance
for dollars!

I'll tell you what.

I'll loan you bucks, but you have
to pay me by the end of the day.

- bucks?
- And if not, tomorrow.

You greasy m*therf*cker.

- bucks interest a day?
- Hmm.

Okay, fine, ring it in.

And I want your drink.

[laughing]
You want my f*cking drink, do you?

Do you want the rocket?

Get the f*ck over here!
Open up your g*dd*mn yap!

- Here, here's your f*cking drink!
- [gurgling, exhaling]

All right, you guys head back
and get that set up, okay?

Get someone else to read
the instructions though

because you're too stupid
to put this together.

Cool. We've got this. We should take
these too. They're dope.

Put those f*cking things back!
Boys, if you f*ck this up,

I'm gonna strap you
to the g*dd*mn thing and launch it.

- You got it?
- [Cory] Yeah, dude. I got it.

- Now get out.
- Both of us won't fit on it anyway.

Just set the f*cking thing up.

- Don't forget your receipt.
- Oh, go f*ck yourself, Glen!

- Thanks for shopping at Bobby's Hobbies!
- f*ck off.

[chatter on walkie]

- [knocking]
- Hey, Gare, how's it going, buddy?

Look man, something's come up.
I need an advance on my paycheck, so...

- [laughing]
- how do we make that happen?

An advance on your paycheck!
That's really funny.

- What?
- Like, that's Carrot Top funny,

because, actually, you know,
we don't make that happen at all.

But here's what
we can make happen.

How about you getting arrested, Julian?
How does that sound?

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Well, what would you say
if I told you

that we have you on tape, stealing?
Multiple counts.

I'd say you're full of sh*t,
considering someone broke in,

stole all the f*cking surveillance tapes
for the past two weeks.

That's true. But what that person,
that someone didn't know,

is that we have a backup system.

Oh, my f*ck...

[sighing]

So what now?

I don't know, honestly, Julian,

because I frankly
don't f*cking care.

- f*ck the mall!
- [clattering]

f*ck security!

f*ck the ashram!

And, while we're at it, Julian...

- [pounding table]
- f*ck you!

So this is how we can handle this.

I can call the cops and bring them
in here to take care of things,

or you can come to me by the end
of the day, with , bucks, cash.

Your choice.

[woman on walkie] Gary, someone sh*t
on the floor in the food court.

[Gary] Mmm.

- Gary?
- Mmm.

Yup, fun train's back!

The fun train is back!

Had the f*cking best time ever!

Best time ever, yeah, okay.

Nobody gives a f*ck, eh?

Okay, well, guess what?

I don't give a f*ck
anymore either.

You know what, guys?

We don't need this bullshit.

Let's get packed up.

We don't f*cking need anything.

Move this whole operation
down to the ocean.

All I need is you guys.

Take some f*cking clothes...

some clothes and maybe...

one kitty toy... and...

Red Sovine tape, kitty book...

[bassy music playing on car stereo]

And my Wayne Gretzky card
signed by Dave Semenko.

That's all I f*cking need!

[Tyrone] Yo, Bubs!

Yo, happy birthday, m*therf*cker!

Hey, T!

What's going on?

What's that?

Holy f*ck!

Decent!

Oh my f*ck, that is decent!

I can't believe
you remembered my birthday.

- Thanks!
- Nah, I didn't remember sh*t, man,

I've been getting stoned
as f*ck lately, man.

But that's from Ricky and Julian.

What? What are you talking about?

Look, all I know is
I'm supposed to drive you.

So come on wit' yo candy.
And put this over your lookballs.

This is to cover
your lookballs up.

What? That's my...

- that's my kitty sleep mask.
- Yeah, man.

- Like that?
- Make sure you can't see behind there.

Surprise, surprise.

- [Tyrone] Let's roll.
- [excited grunt]

Oh, boys! Gettin' excited!
[chuckling]

- You ready Bubbles, man?
- Oh, I'm ready!

- I'm ready! Are we there?
- Man, you're gonna like this, man.

- We almost there?
- We're almost here, my man.

- [Bubbles laughing] Oh, I'm excited!
- Be excited. Let's go.

- Oh, I am excited!
- Jump out, dawg!

It's so weird not being
able to see anything.

I can't see anything.

Ooh! Oh, somebody's got me!

Who else is here?

Who else is here?

Somebody's got a hold of me.

[Ricky, low-pitched voice]
Uh, I don't know who it is.

[Bubbles giggling]
Who's that?

Okay, just wait now.
[grunt]

- [Tyrone] Y'all ready man, or what?
- I'm ready! I'm ready!

[crowd] Happy birthday, Bubbles!

- Holy f*ck!
- [cheering]

- Oh, my God!
- [laughter]

I've never had
a surprise party before!

I thought everybody
forgot what today was!

No, man. What are you, joking?
We never forget this sh*t!

- [Bubbles giggling]
- I mean, we did forget last year

but just because of a lot
of f*cking crazy dr*gs.

Nobody's ever gonna
forget it again, Bubbles.

- Oh, decent!
- Happy birthday!

- Oh!
- [Ricky] Yeah!

- Thank you.
- You look adorable.

Thank you, Sarah. Thank you.

Everybody's here!

Everybody's here.
Where's Julian though?

Well, that's the problem.
We're not sure.

He was supposed
to be here long ago.

- I hope to f*ck he's not dead.
- Dead? What?

What are you...
What was he doing?

That's the thing.
He wasn't doing anything.

It's just weird that he's not here
by now. And he's late, because...

He organized this whole
f*cking thing for you.

- He could've got k*lled, Bubs.
- [Bubbles sighing]

Yeah, but, Ricky, why does
your brain even go there? What...

I'm sure he's just running late, okay?

- Oh!
- Should we wait for him or...?

Well, yeah, we should wait for him.

No, f*ck it.

- What do you mean?
- Check this the f*ck out!

- [laughter, cheers]
- Holy f*ck!

Holy f*ck! LOC Patriot!

- Eight foot four inches!
- [crowd chanting] Bubbles! Bubbles!

Holy f*ck! And motor!

, feet at apogee!
[panting]

You okay, buddy?

You're not gonna have one of these
strokey things, are you?

No, Ricky.

That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen!

- Is this mine?
- [Ricky] It's yours, buddy.

- [happy grunt]
- [laughter]

[Mr. Lahey] Randy, you've gotta bet big
if you wanna win big.

- When are you gonna...
- All right, Lahey! Money, now!

Half the month's wages,
that's the deal,

and I'm taking an advance
on next month's wages too!

Julian, you can't just
come barging in here!

Oh, yes, I can, Randy.

As long as you two fuckheads
owe me money,

I'm gonna do
whatever the f*ck I want!

Julian, just calm down, buddy.
Let's talk about this.

Oh, let's talk... What do you mean
let's talk about it? Huh?

One thousand dollars!
I'm not leaving without it!

Julian, this isn't the right way
to go about...

- Get your f*cking hands off me!
- [George] Hey!

Step the f*ck away
from Randy, Julian, now.

- What the f*ck are you doing?
- I'm working for them now.

And I'm giving you exactly three seconds
to walk the f*ck out of here.

Oh, what are you gonna do?
sh**t me?

- Huh?
- [g*n clicking]

You wanna try me, Julian? Do you?

'Cause I've got absolutely nothing
to f*cking lose here!

Absolutely f*cking nothing!

So go ahead, Julian!

Make my f*cking day better.

f*ck off.

It's "make my day,"
not "make my day better," fuckhead.

This isn't over,
I want my f*cking money!

Get the f*ck out of here.

[Mr. Lahey mumbles indistinctly]

That was really, really f*cking
impressive, George.

I should've f*cking sh*t him.

We don't want anyone
to get sh*t here.

Holy frig, you gotta calm down, George.

Yeah. And you need
to go on a diet, Randy,

but it doesn't seem like
that's gonna happen, does it?

[chuckle]

Looks like my job description
just got a little broader,

- wouldn't you say, Jim?
- What do you mean, George?

He said he's coming back.
I'm gonna have to deal with it.

- Yeah, well, Randy...
- [George screaming] I'm... going...

to deal with it.

What do you want, George?

Hah, it's a week,
like the ad said.

And I want a real f*cking bed
to sleep on out there.

And that's what happens
when you hire a sh*t weasel, Randy.

We've got an air mattress.

Oh, f*ck...

- Brrrap!
- Yo, Julian!

What's up, your boy!

Yes, Julian!

Happy birthday, buddy.
Sorry I'm late, man.

But what do you think
of that f*cking thing?

- [Bubbles] Ho-ly f*ck!
- Yeah? Did we do good or what, man?

You did f*cking amazing!
Thank you, Julian!

Yeah, well, okay.
Enough with the mushy kiss-kiss.

Come on, let's get this f*cking sucker
launched already!

- [crowd cheering]
- Let's launch her!

- Okay, boys, okay.
- [clicking]

She's f... Ricky!
Ricky, what are you doing?

Just making sure it works,
the button does push.

You don't push the f*cking l...

And, guys, back the f*ck off!

This is not a toy!

That was unsafe, what we just did.

Okay, everybody, listen.

Okay? I know you're all tired,
you've waited a long time but I...

I want to dedicate this launch.

I'm gonna dedicate it
to each and every one of you guys,

the residents
of the Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

- Nice.
- You're all my friends

and you're all my family,
every one of yous.

- [crowd cheering]
- Okay, so,

are you ready to get this f*cking thing
in the air or what?

- [crowd cheering]
- [Ricky] Let's do it!

Okay, let's... just show you
what you do here.

- See this?
- That's a key.

- This goes in here.
- [click]

Okay. You hear that?

That means she is lit, ready to go!

Here we go!
I want a big Sunnyvale countdown.

In ...

[crowd joins in] , , , ...

- Launch!
- [man] What the f*ck?

- [Bubbles] For f*ck's sakes!
- [Ricky] What the f*ck?

- Hang on. Just wait.
- Lame!

Well, just give me a minute now.

Bubbles, I know it would be splendid
but, listen,

we'll watch it at another time.

You're leaving?
Oh, just... Look, it'll take me...

I can put a new igniter in it.

Bubs, I'm sorry,
we have to leave too.

Mo's getting really tired.

- Oh...
- High five?

Look, Trin, it'll take me...
Boys, you guys are staying?

Man, we got pitchers
waiting at the T-box.

- Sorry, man, we out.
- Yeah, we out.

For f*ck's sake, look.

[Sarah] Yeah, happy birthday.

I can put a new igniter in it.

f*ck, buddy. You really f*cked
this up, didn't you?

- What happened?
- I don't know, Ricky.

It should be...
it should be going.

Well, don't worry about it. It's not
your fault you let everybody down.

When are you starting your job
at Hallmark, Ricky?

- Where?
- Bubs, don't worry about it, okay?

Don't let this ruin your birthday.
We'll figure it out, man.

Ruin my birthday?

Yeah. We'll figure it out.

Are you joking? Julian...

It wouldn't matter if the rocket
exploded on the launch pad

and f*cking lit my balls on fire.

You know, the fact that you guys
remembered my birthday

and you went through
all of this trouble

- to make it a special day for me...
- f*cking right we did.

That's way more important to me
than any f*cking rocket could ever be,

I just want you to know that.

- I love you guys. Get in here.
- Love you too, buddy.

I love you. There's nothing
that could ruin this.

- There's no...
- [rocket hissing]

[whooshing]

Holy f*ck!

She went!

Where is it, boys?
I lost it.

- Where is it?
- I don't know, maybe it blowed up,

look at the f*cking
black smoke over there.

[Bubbles] Holy f*ck!

No, that wouldn't be...

That wouldn't be
from that rocket.

You'd never get that
much smoke, would you?

We should get out of here
just in case.

Let's get the f*ck
out of here. Let's go.

Okay, we've got
to go find it, boys.

We're never gonna find
that f*cking thing!

We can find it! We can find it!
We're on a recovery mission!

Let's go!

I am f*cking craving
donairs and f*cking...

some poutine.
You guys hungry?

Ricky, we have to find my f*cking rocket
before someone else does.

Boys, I hope that didn't get
too f*cked up.

I think we should think about writing
that thing off at this point, Bubs.

We're not writing it off!

It's probably not that
f*cked up and, I mean,

that's my prized
possession, boys.

- What the f*ck?
- Oh, f*ck, man! It's a roadblock!

I've got a joint!
Whip it around! f*ck!

[Julian] How am I gonna whip
this f*cking thing around, huh?

[Bubbles] Well, slow down...
Ricky, throw it out the f*cking window.

We're good, we're good.
I got this. Is that Ted?

Oh, this is a f*cking joke.

[Bubbles] Ricky,
just throw the f*cking...

[Ricky] We're good, boys, we're good.

- [Bubbles whimpers anxiously]
- [brakes squeaking]

- Whew, it smells like skunk in here.
[Ricky] It's probably your balls, Ted.

When was the last time you showered?

Where are you boys
coming from, anyway?

We're actually just down at the
f*ck Off convention at the Legion there.

Wondering if you'd come down
to master the ceremonies.

- Yeah, yeah, very funny, Ricky.
- It's Bubbles' birthday.

We were playing space.
Like, what's going on here?

Can we get through
there or what?

No. Not right now.
There's been an att*ck.

- It's possibly t*rrorists.
- [Ricky] What?

[Bubbles] What? t*rrorists?
What do you mean?

Well, somebody sh*t down Steve Rogers'
news helicopter with a m*ssile.

What the f*ck? What the f*ck is wrong
with people? Are you serious?

[Bubbles] A m*ssile?
What kind of a m*ssile?

[Ted] We're not sure yet
but we've got three witnesses

say they saw a m*ssile
coming from the east

and it took out the chopper.
That's all we know for now.

[Bubbles] Oh, my f*ck, boys.
Is Steve okay?

Well, the rescue crew is not
on the crash site yet

but from what we can see from above,
it doesn't look good for survivors.

- [Julian] f*ck.
- Oh, my God!

[Ricky] That's f*cking terrible.
Poor Steve.

[Ted] Yeah, well, you guys cannot
stay here, you can...

Well, you can stay here. I don't know
how long it's gonna be,

but otherwise
you've got to turn around...

Left something in the oven,
my iron's on.

- So we're just gonna go back...
- Yeah, okay, Ricky.

Well, you know, we know your record
for burning down your house.

We know your record
for being a f*cking idiot!

[Bubbles whispering] Boys, boys...

We sh*t down Steve Rogers' helicopter!

[Ricky] It may not have been us.

Ricky, how many people do you think
have fired f*cking missiles off today?

It was us.

[Ricky] It would be a weird
f*cking coincidence, wouldn't it?

Bubs, you've got to stop
hogging my driveway, man.

I'm... I get part of
the f*cking driveway too.

Do you think that's really the f*cking
important thing at hand right now?

What the f*ck are these
two sh*t smears up to?

[Cory] Yo, you guys hear
about what happened?

No. What, did you start growing
a f*cking brain or something?

Yeah, you wish, dude. t*rror1st att*ck.
We're going after them.

It wasn't f*cking t*rrorists,
you stupider than dumb idiots.

- It was f*cking Bub...
- Ricky, Rick, Rick! Yeah,

we heard about it.
How did you guys hear about it?

It was all over the news.
Everyone's freaking out.

Oh, Jesus H. Christ!

[Trinity] Thank God, you're okay!
Did you hear about what happened?

Yeah. Is there any update
on Steve Rogers? Was he k*lled?

I don't know.
That's what they're saying.

Oh, poor Steve!

I just wanna go.
Can we please leave?

Where are we gonna go?
We can't go anywhere!

Don't be a f*cking wuss! We need to get
out of the park, to take Mo and leave!

Okay... everybody just
calm the f*ck down.

- [Trinity] No, we're leaving.
- [Sarah] Guys!

I think you better come and watch this.

[news theme music]

[reporter] Okay, we've got exclusive
video for you now.

This is footage of the actual att*ck
from Steve Rogers' news camera.

Just a warning: This is very graphic
and not appropriate for all viewers.

Oh, my Jesus. Tell me we're not going
to see him f*cking die right here.

No one is sure exactly

why the local squirrel
population has dwindled

but it's this reporter's belief
that the answer could lie here

deep in the heart of...
What the f*ck is that?

- [high-pitched whining]
- sh*t!

Steve Rogers, reporting live.

- [alarm beeping]
- Unconfirmed reports that we've been

struck by a m*ssile, and we are...

we are crashing.
We are on fire.

We're going down.
We're losing altitude.

Steve "No Nonsense" Rogers,

reporting on what could be
his last story.

Tell my wife I'm sorry!

Oh, Jesus Murphy!

Oh, my God,
we k*lled Steve Rogers!

How can you k*ll them?
That wasn't your f*cking...

- Wait! Listen, listen, listen!
- Jacob, chips. Let's go.

A harrowing moment earlier today...

Oh, f*ck, he's alive! Yes!

Matings of the Nova Scotia squirrel

turned nearly fatal

in the blink of an eye.

Steve "Nine Lives" Rogers...

[bed whirring]

Signing off.

Yes! Steve Rogers is alive and well, baby!

We got lucky, boys.

[whispering] Julian, we still sh*t
the f*cking thing down.

What if they catch us and they try
to make us pay for that helicopter?

- Bubs...
- [sirens blaring outside]

Ah, yeah.
Yeah, here we go.

- We're f*cking caught already!
- The f*ck is this all about?

You know what? f*ck this!
I'm turning myself in.

You're not turning yourself in!
Just f*cking relax, Bubs!

Boys, we're caught.
There's no f*cking way out of this.

Yes, there is. There's a f*cking way
out of everything. Trust me.

No, I'm turning myself in.

- Bubbles, f*ck off.
- You're not turning yourself in.

- [Bubbles] I'm right here, officer!
- [Ricky] Shut the f*ck up!

- I'm not gonna resist!
- Shut the f*ck up! I got this.

Hey, boys, how's it going?

The Shittiest Beard
Of All Times competition

- is right down there, two doors.
- What?

Nothing? What are you guys doing?
We're kind of tired.

Been in Moncton the last few days.
What do you need?

Hands behind your back, sir.
Up against the car, please.

- What?
- What the f*ck for?

You're under arrest for shoplifting
and theft over a thousand dollars.

[Julian chuckling]
You gotta be f*cking kidding me.

You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will

be used against you
in a court of law.

I know the f*cking drill, all right.

There's some kind of misunderstanding
here. I didn't steal a g*dd*mn thing.

We have all the tapes from Gary,
the mall manager.

Might as well save it
for the judge. Load him up.

I can't f*cking believe
you did this, Julian.

- Bubs, I...
- Shoplifting!?

Bubs, I didn't do anything wrong.

Shoplifting at the f*cking mall!

[shaky voice]
I should have f*cking known.

[car doors closing]

I'll look after your drink
for you, Julian. Good luck, bud!

- [Bubbles whimpering]
- [cat meowing]

Don't even worry about this, guys.

We're gonna find a f*cking...

better place to live,
every one of us,

we're gonna have the best time.

[whimpering]

[Ricky] Hey, can you guys
f*ck off, seriously?

Show some g*dd*mn respect.

Let the man have a little bit
of peace and quiet. Jesus!

- Hey Bubs, are you in there, buddy?
- [pounding on door]

- [cat screeching]
- [Bubbles yelling] Jesus, Ricky!

[Ricky] Sorry, just seeing if you're home.
Wanna smoke a joint or something?

[Bubbles sighing] No.

[Ricky] What the f*ck
are you doing packing that up?

- Going on a trip somewhere?
- I'm thinking I might just...

go live somewhere else, Ricky.

Whoa... what the f*ck
are you talking about?

Look, Ricky,
I love you and Julian.

You know that, but...

I just don't think I can be
around you guys anymore.

I don't think I can.

Don't talk like that. That's crazy.

It's not crazy, though, Ricky.
It's not crazy.

Look, all I wanted was to just live,

and not get f*cking tangled up
in illegal bullshit,

and I asked you guys
if we could do that,

and you guys both
looked me in the eye

and you promised me we could,
and what f*cking happened?

Actually, I don't really remember.
What happened?

[Bubbles sighing]
Julian's running a full-on crime syndicate

down at the f*cking mall.
That's what happened!

Well, I f*cking didn't know
anything about that.

Yeah, well, maybe you did
and maybe you didn't, Ricky.

I don't even f*cking know.

But I do know this:
Nothing's ever gonna f*cking change.

Nothing's ever gonna change, Ricky.

I was so f*cking happy today
that you guys remembered my birthday.

I know, right?

You threw that party
and you got me this awesome present.

And it turns out, it was all just a big,
f*cking Ricky and Julian lie.

It wasn't a f*cking lie, it happened!
I was there.

It was a lie, Ricky,
because people always say,

"It's the thought that counts."

- Did you ever hear people say that?
- Yes, right, exactly.

Yeah well, if somebody steals
your f*cking birthday present, Ricky,

[sobbing]
then how does that f*cking count for...

- But he didn't steal that.
- Oh, yeah...

I don't even wanna hear it.

Bubs, listen.
I swear to f*ck, okay?

Yes, Julian has been stealing
a bit of stuff here and there

but he told me he paid for the rocket.
He showed me the f*cking receipt

and he used his last bit of money
to f*cking do it.

I swear to f*ck, that's true.

Well, I find that
f*cking hard to believe.

- Sorry...
- [sighing] Look, Bubs...

Yes, me and Julian,
we do f*ck up a lot.

And it's not because
we don't f*cking love you.

But man, you can't
f*cking leave this park.

Like, we'd be f*cked
without you here, man.

We're a f*cking team, buddy.
You can't f*cking leave us.

Don't leave me here
with just Julian.

- Please don't go, man.
- [Bubbles sighing]

You're f*cking lucky that I love you
so much, Ricky.

You f*cking assh*le.

You're f*cking lucky I love you so much
too, you f*cking d*ck.

So what do you say? You want to...
smoke a joint and watch a movie?

[cat meowing]

- Ricky, you're eating cat treats.
- What, these?

- Yes, cat treats.
- Well, these are f*cking good.

They expensive?

Just gonna keep
eating them, are you?

[theme music]

[seagulls squawking]

[fish] f*ck! f*ck! f*ck off! f*ck!...

f*ck off! Jesus Christ!

[whispering] f*ck.

[light clicks off]
f*ck off.