They say that by the end of your first semester in med school, it's already obvious what kind of doctor you'll end up being.
- Who, Trang?
Small hands, great with the ladies.
No, more like a shopping mall pretzel vendor.
Maybe emergency medicine.
- There it is.
- What's up?
Man, you're so lucky to have someone like Drew.
I wish I could find a stud wannabe surgeon to take under my wing.
I've been making a play for this guy right here, Clint, but he's too cool and aloof.
- See you in class, Dr.
- Not if I see you first!
We gonna kick it.
He's going to think I'm lame.
You are lame.
All right then, listen up, m*rder.
As you know, we are approaching the end of the semester.
The Ceremony of Thanks is quickly approaching.
That's where you publicly thank the friends and families of the cadavers you've been dissecting this semester.
It's actually a pretty sweet deal for them.
After their loved ones are stripped for parts like a 1998 Mitsubishi Mirage, we treat them to some free cold cuts and a chance to listen to you regurgitate some trite quotes about their family members' sacrifice that you found on the Internet.
Heads up to all you white people out there.
Reciting a Maya Angelou poem in an old black lady's voice?
Not cool, okay?
Cole, talking to you.
Talking to you.
What are you cooking?
I can smell it from next door.
It's a wild mushroom and shrimp risotto I learned to make while working at a hostel in Naples.
It's gay for rice, right?
Shrimp's gay for chicken.
- Hey, should we get married today?
We've been dating for four months.
I mean, it's pretty good, right?
Let's stop screwing around and just get it over with.
Okay, obviously, your diet of power bars and boxed wine has scrambled your brain.
We got a great thing going here, you know?
Why mess with it?
Yeah, you're probably right.
It was just an idea.
Let's make a baby instead.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I'm on my birth control, I think.
How great is this cadaver ceremony going to be?
We have to start planning what we're going to do for you-know-who.
You know he can't actually hear you.
He is a corpse.
I am just excited to honor his memory.
I don't see what the big deal is.
People die in third-world countries all the time and no one cares.
Since when did you become so political?
Since my boy, Trent, went on a surf vacation to El Salvador and got a tattoo infection.
He had to die with a partial mermaid on his shoulder.
It just looked like a regular stupid lady.
Where was his ceremony?
Am I the only one that cares about doing something nice for Ben?
- Lucy, it's not that we don't care.
- I actually do not care.
It's just that, with the semester ending, we all have a lot on our plate, and the cadaver ceremony didn't make the top of the list.
Guys, just do me a favor, okay?
Come up with one thing that's important to you about Ben.
Could be a poem or a lightly choreographed dance number.
Don't be afraid to go modern.
I think Ben would appreciate it.
Or you could just bring some pretzels or something.
Well, Cole, everything looks great.
Two weeks out, the wound's healed.
Test results came back clean.
Your cancer's gone.
It's so crazy.
You know, I've always known that a surgeon might hook me up with some sweet calf implants or a robot arm.
But I never thought one would save my life.
Not going to lie, surgeons are pretty awesome.
T, do you believe in fate?
You know, like the stuff they talk about during the boring parts of Lost?
Well, I was thinking that maybe I got cancer for a reason.
Like somebody up there is telling me that I'm supposed to be a surgeon.
Cole, you don't want to be a surgeon.
Now, just a second there, Gandhi.
You've been looking for a protege and the good Lord answered your prayers.
T, I would k*ll to be your protege.
You don't want to be a surgeon, Cole, okay?
It's boring and it sucks.
It's the complete opposite of a waterslide.
Turk is right.
You'd hate it.
All the blood and guts, it's like an amazing horror movie.
I love horror movies.
Sure, but you'd have to wear a mask like a ninja.
And who wants to do that?
Last Halloween, I was a slutty ninja.
This is going to be awesome!
I'm more sure about wanting to be a surgeon than I've ever been about anything, ever.
Okay, I gotta go update my Facebook status, but then I'm going to come back and I'm going to start shadowing you, and I'm never going to leave your side.
- You're happy, aren't you?
- I don't know about happy, but darn it all, I feel alive for the first time, and that's nice, so nice.
All right, I am so excited to see what we've all written about Ben.
Pass them up.
Thank you, Drew.
This is a receipt for a pair of pants.
Well, I didn't want to leave you hanging.
And I'm going to need that back.
I'm probably going to return those pants.
They were skinny jeans and I couldn't pull them off.
Literally took me, like, an hour to pull them off.
Guys, we've gotta come up with something good.
The other groups are way ahead of us.
They think they're so bad-ass just 'cause Ron had a vestigial tail and spinal meningitis.
Ben could have had that tail.
He's just not a show-off like Ron.
Cole, you're all up under me.
You need to back up, all right?
I mean, you smell great, but I don't think I should know that about you.
Yeah, no, I'm sorry, Dr. T.
It's just I'm so psyched about this surgery thing.
I already know what I'm going to call my surgical practice, "Cole Cutz." - With a "Z"?
- That's right.
Man, you gotta knock before you enter Cole's brain.
Well, why don't you go upstairs and get me some stuff?
- Yeah, yeah.
What kind of stuff?
- Everything that's up there.
- All right.
Don't worry about Cole, all right?
He never sticks with anything.
He said he was going to learn a new bone in the body every day, until he figured out that the penis wasn't actually one of them and quit.
Just be tough on him.
So, you want to be a surgeon, huh?
Well, then you need to understand that it's not about glamour or money or even making a great mix CD for the OR.
Surgery is long, tedious and boring.
I get it.
Like episodes of Entourage that revolve around Turtle.
Sometimes you have to stand totally still and stay completely lasered in, even if it means just holding this clamp because this clamp right here, this clamp could keep someone alive.
That's what you're going to practice right now.
- You think you can handle it?
- I'll stay here as long as it takes.
I'll even cancel my 5:30 at the tanning salon.
Cole, you had skin cancer, like, yesterday.
Just hold the damn clamp.
There you are.
Can you believe this?
Apparently, there was water damage in the wall or something.
Yeah, I heard about that.
Some guy upstairs cracks his head open in the shower, lies there for four hours, and we gotta pay the price.
You think they'll be able to fix it?
It could be kind of cool, right?
I mean, instead of my crappy room and your crappy room, we could have one giant crappy suite.
I mean, it'd be kind of like we're living together, you know?
Yeah, that's exactly what it'd be like.
Exactly like that.
I was really excited because I'd done a bunch of research about Ben's life, and I couldn't wait to share it with the group.
Cole, did you know Ben was president of the Association for Independent Dry Cleaners for the mid-Atlantic region from 1973 to 1976?
Can't you see I'm in surgery?
Can other people see that?
Look, I'm sorry, I don't have time for this.
Go bother Drew.
Okay, now, I know you're not excited about Ben, but would it change things at all if I told you that he had a time-share in Myrtle Beach?
So, he got to spend two weeks a year, one of them off-peak, in South Carolina's third most popular vacation destination?
- Heads up.
So, you're bringing some of your stuff in.
Yeah, I'm just going to keep this on your bed for a while since we always sleep in mine anyway.
And until they fix the hole, I figure this area could kind of be like a den I hangout I place where we have dirty sex on top of my hockey equipment.
Honey, Lucy's here.
I'm sorry, I should clarify.
The sex is actually pretty vanilla.
It's the hockey equipment that's dirty.
God, I am liking this.
Yeah, me, too.
- I'll be back in a jiff.
I don't like this at all.
I like things clean and simple.
Everything I own is in that box.
A hat, some ramen and a car battery?
Don't you have personal things?
Had that car battery a long time.
Cole, I totally forgot about you.
Have you been standing here all day?
I don't know.
I can't read old-people clocks.
And you haven't moved once, not even to pee?
I learned a trick at keggers when there's a long line at the bathroom.
Let a little out, let it dry.
Little out, let it dry.
Didn't I say that he has what it takes to be a surgeon?
Beyond the blind sense of entitlement and complete lack of human empathy, there's the empty-headed concentration, the unjustifiable arrogance and the sheer willingness to stand in one place and wet yourself like a zoo elephant.
That's awe-inspiring stuff.
Thank you, Dr. C.
I proved myself, right?
- So, let's go open a brother up.
- First of all, why it gotta be a brother?
And second of all, a surgeon has to have a delicate touch and steady hand.
Now, I want you to take these tweezers and remove the fortune from this cookie without breaking it.
I can do that.
Check out these brows.
I know my way around a pair of tweezies.
Is it bright?
Is it bright?
Is it too bright?
Lots of distractions in surgery.
And out of nowhere, there could come a noise to just break your concentration.
A drum line in the OR?
Somebody snare me.
I want you to imagine these bears were in a horrible accident, like a bus crash.
And before you ask, no, I don't know why the bears were on a bus.
Maybe they're super-smart government bears on their way to fight terrorism.
Anyway, all you need to do is sew one of these bad boys up before me, and I'll know you have the skills to be a surgeon.
- Are we clear?
- As a vodka-tonic.
I'm really disappointed in you guys.
All you had to do was write one measly, little line about Ben, and you couldn't handle that.
What are we going to do about this?
We're not going to do anything.
We gotta bounce.
- Maya's treating me to dinner.
- It's Vietnamese Valentine's Day.
- It's not real.
Yeah, I gotta go, too.
I gotta figure out what I'm going to do about the giant hole in my wall.
Sadly, that's not a metaphor.
You guys, we've only been here one semester and we're already becoming jaded.
Before Ben was our homework, he was a real human being with a job and a wife and a son, Eric, who's going to be here tomorrow.
I'll do it myself.
Saying how you feel can be tricky.
Some people will do anything to hide their true emotions...
What's the big surprise?
- A curtain.
I put this in so we can maintain our separate zones.
What if I want to come see my stuff?
That's the best part.
It's all back in your closet.
What do you want to do tonight?
Want to get married?
...while others have no problem telling you exactly what's on their mind.
- I'm not even close.
Man, that bear's in bad shape.
That's sad, Cole.
Looks like being a surgeon is just not for you.
And sometimes you're so excited to tell someone your feelings...
Are you Ben Coleman's son?
- Hi, I'm Lucy Bennett.
We worked with your father in our anatomy class.
And I'm sort of in charge of our group's tribute to him.
And I just wanted to know if there's anything you wanted us to include.
...that you never consider they might not feel the same way.
Well, how about that he was a miserable, horrible dad, who pretty much ruined my childhood, and I'm only here to see him put in the ground?
I guess I could work that in.
Over the next 20 minutes, Eric regaled me with horrible stories about Ben.
He was never around when I was a kid.
He cheated on my mom.
He didn't call me for 20 years.
Okay, but you gotta admit he was an excellent bowler.
I found a photo from when he rolled that perfect game on June 16, 1976.
So, that's where he was on my seventh birthday.
Dr. Cox, I don't know what I'm gonna do about this ceremony.
I had this whole...
Can't you see I'm reading a very important chart here?
A British tabloid?
This chart functions as my shield to protect me from those who would annoy me.
- Hey, Dr. C.
- Shield on.
See what you've done?
You have destroyed the shield-like power of my chart.
I guess starting tomorrow I'll be shadowing you again.
I decided that surgery's not really my thing.
You are supposed to be with Dr.
Where is Dr.
Gandhu, step away from the pizza pastry, would you, please?
Yeah, but the chemicals taste better when it's hot, so...
I've come to clear up a point of confusion.
This is what a protege should look like.
It is an empty vessel that I'm filling with knowledge.
I also get to hold stuff.
Cole didn't have what it takes, all right?
We surgeons are an elite crew.
Say, Todd, do me a favor.
Would you tell me what that wonderful new invention is you've been working on?
It's a series of erotic novelty wines.
Chardonn-gay, Sauvignon Donk, Teeny-Weeny Peni Grigio.
Drink up, boys.
Yes, indeedy, sweetie.
You surgeons truly are the chosen ones.
Come on, he wasn't even serious about it.
I bet he's already moved on.
Actually, he hasn't.
He's still practicing.
I can fix it.
And the worst part is I had to stay in that room for 17 horse funerals.
Okay, so young Cole may not be an ideal protege.
He may not even be an ideal human.
Nevertheless, you don't get to pick who needs you as a mentor.
Do you realize, for the last eight years, I've been saddled with a whiny, clingy lady-man whose very life force was dependent on hugs?
And now, of course, I have young Drew.
And although he may be filled with a bubbling rage that I fear cannot be contained very much longer, at least he doesn't need me to hold his hand when he speaks of love and his true feelings.
The point is we don't always get to choose who deserves and who wants our help.
Why you gotta always ruin pastry time?
Perfectly good pastry.
Cox, can I ask you something?
When you're in love, how do you set aside your fears so that you can just dive in and follow your heart?
Oh, dear God, Drew, not you.
It's happening again.
It's happening again.
Ben, I am very upset with you.
You tricked me.
All old and cute on the outside and horrible and cruel on the inside.
I was planning an amazing tribute for you, stories and poems and a dozen purple balloons to signify a cluster of grapes.
Well, now I'm going to pop them so they look like raisins, nature's saddest fruit, all shriveled and dry.
Stop being weird.
I'm trying to eat my sandwich around some corpses.
- Why are you eating lunch in here?
- Why are you yelling at a d*ad guy?
See, we all got a lot of questions.
I'm yelling at Ben because I made this really beautiful tribute for him, and it turns out he was a jerk.
Did he have all his parts?
Were you able to slice through his tendons, sift through his lower intestines and study the anatomy - of his right hepatic flexure?
Then he was exactly who he was supposed to be.
Who cares if he was a jerk in real life?
You have to learn to adjust when your expectations don't match the reality, whether it's about the present state of a relationship...
- What are you doing?
- I'm taking down the curtain.
Sorry I was such a jerk.
It's just sometimes the tiniest changes terrify me, and I just need a little time to process things, but eventually I come around.
Is this a sledgehammer?
Is what a sledgehammer?
You're the one who put the hole in the wall.
I may have.
Look, I mean, room and board is expensive.
I think that we should live together next year.
So, this was my way of easing you into it, you know, getting you comfortable with the idea.
I'm curious to see whether it worked.
- This is where you say...
- I'm in love with a sociopath?
Yes or no.
I mean, it's your life.
...or your expectations about a person's future.
Hey, Cole, you got a sec?
Listen, I've been thinking about it and, amazingly enough, the same things that make you a complete douche also give you the potential to be a good surgeon.
So, it'd be an honor to teach you, if that's something you really want.
It might be the first thing I've ever really wanted.
Don't get all mushy, all right?
Or even your expectations about somebody's past.
I met Ben on my first day of med school at a moment when I wasn't really sure if I would make it.
But the truth is, I didn't really know Ben.
In life, I'm sure he had his faults, but in death, he did great things.
He brought us together and helped us realize that we couldn't do it all on our own.
He gave us the confidence to believe in ourselves.
And he gave his body so that we could become doctors.
And for that, we thank him.
So, what you got planned this weekend?
- Just going to see the Eels.
You're a member of the aquarium, too?
Those annual fees are so worth it.
My daughters and I, we love the sea turtles.
They're slow in the body, but fast in the mind, right?
Yeah, I was actually talking about the band, the Eels.
What am I doing?
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09x13 - Our Thanks
Episode transcripts for the TV show "Scrubs". Aired: October 2001 to March 2010.
A doctor works at a hospital with unpredictable staffers and patients.
1 post • Page 1 of 1
1 post • Page 1 of 1