01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

You okay ?

- I'm in so much f*cking pain.

Sephora is closing.

I'm not going to let you buy that lip kit full price, by the way, that would be like, against civil rights.

Are you sure it's just cramps ?

Because my mom knows someone who got an amoeba from Panda Express.

It's like someone is sticking one of those curved Japanese swords up my vag*na - f*ck !

You want the rest of the Oxy ?

Open the door.

I can't.

I can't move.

I can't unlock the door.

I'll just slide it under.

I think if you snort it it works super fast.

f*ck !

This is f*cking true love, because this floor is nasty.

Got it ?

Oh God, gross.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Are you okay ?

Seriously, what is happening ?

Shut up !

The Chipotle woman is looking !

Can you google how to give birth ?

- What ?!

- Just do it.

- You're having a f*cking baby ?

- Shut up !

You're not pregnant !

You don't even look that fat !

Oh, God !

No !

We have to call 911.

- No !

- We have to call 911.

My parents will f*cking k*ll me.

- People give birth in cars.

- You can't give birth in a bathroom !

It f*cking happens.

It's not a big f*cking deal.

How could you not know ?

What about your period ?

I thought I was bleeding.

Shut up, someone's coming.

No.

Someone threw up all over the floor in there !

And diarrhea too !

Oh tittyfuck cuntnugget it's not loading, it's not loading !

It's one of those YouTube videos where you have to watch the whole ad first.

Why can you skip some and not others ?

- f*ck !

- Try WikiHow !

GENERATION THREE MONTHS EARLIER This being your third dress-coding offense in the first month of school, you need a guidance counselor to sign off on it.

Please don't make me see Mr. Saltarelli.

That man crushes dreams.

And collects antique dental equipment.

Mr. Saltarelli is dead.

Oh sh*t.

I'm sorry.

How ?

Hi.

Hey.

How did Mr. Saltarelli die ?

He lost sight of the drone he was flying and accidentally flew it into his head.

He fell unconscious in his pool and drowned.

- sh*t.

- Yeah.

A guy judging the US Open d*ed when a player served the ball into his groin.

It's true.

His name was d*ck.

That's also true.

I'm sorry, you're the new guidance counselor ?

- Sam.

- Chester.

You know, we're supposed to call teachers by their last names.

Call me Mr. Fanger if it feels more comfortable.

I've always been a bit on the fence about it.

- What can I do for you ?

- You have to sign my slip.

After you make sure that I fully understand the consequences of having things like multiple dress code violations on my high school record.

Okay Chester, do you understand the consequences ?

Three more, and I am suspended.

And waterboarded, and put to death.

Shouldn't I ?

Thing is...

I'm a star water polo player with a 4.1 GPA.

And my tolerance for giving a f*ck is, like, minimal.

- Where do you come down on cursing ?

- Safe space.

Why do you keep getting dress-coded ?

Once for wearing a skirt, once for ripped jeans.

Which the girls never get in trouble for.

But they said the rips were too close to my ass.

They didn't use the word ass.

I think Mr. Saltarelli said derriere, which I had to google just to make sure it was French for ass.

But...

Anyway.

What do you think - is this too close to my ass ?

What is it about for you ?

What is about for me ?

I like how you said that, all cute and guidance counselor-y.

- Is it a drag thing ?

- Are you into drag ?

Give to get.

Didn't they teach you that in guidance counselor school ?

More like how to deal with kids who try to find things out about your personal life that are none of their business.

Okay, okay.

So, you know...

You being a shady bitch is only gonna make me like you more.

And if you wanna therapize me, I'm all over it.

Like, go.

Like, let's get all close and personal.

But you'll need to find someone to lend you something for today.

If I have to wear something from the Gap, I'm blowing my brains out.

That's not a suicidal cry for help, just to be clear.

But it also could be.

If The Gap is involved.

- Where is that ?

- Tokyo.

I spent the loneliest year of my life there.

I put it up to remind me that when I feel alone, I'm never feeling that alone.

Is that, like, a prompt to connect to sad kids ?

Oh, boo, you was doin' so good !

My school e-mail address.

If you need anything...

I need a sh*t-ton of things.

I'm like, a lot.

Hi.

Who is this ?

Riley.

Do I know you ?

No.

Ur crop top is cute.

- Yo Chester, over here, man.

- See you at practice.

Alright, bro.

You should come to my party tonight.

My friend Nathan and I really want you to.

- Later still good ?

- Yeah, meet you there.

Is Nathan cute ?

Very.

Is Nathan typing this ?

Nathan, can u see me right now ?

Sure can.

Could anyone sell me a shirt ?

I have a dollar.

Anyone ?

Shirt for a dollar ?

Magic Mike stage show over here - just kidding I got dress-coded.

- I can't believe we got past.

- I've been wanting this one so bad.

Yo.

Yes !

I'm Riley.

Nathan's not here yet.

f*ck !

Sorry !

- Hey.

I'm Riley.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nathan's not here yet.

- Alright.

- There's stuff to drink inside.

- Cool.

The girl wearing too much pink, she's got weed.

She steals it from her parents, but she'll charge you.

While making low-key h*m* jokes.

She thinks it's okay because she has two dads.

Maybe they're those self-hating gays.

It's a whole thing.

- I'm really glad you came.

- Thank you.

Don't break Nathan's heart.

I feel like in general I don't want to mess with you.

Hello ?

This is Sam, your guidance counselor.

I got the picture you sent.

Oh..

sh*t.

And you thought what ?

I need to know if you're okay.

I was worried.

It's called roof-topping.

It's just a thing that people do, you can google it.

How'd you get my number ?

I called your house.

Your grandmother gave it to me.

I need to meet with you Monday.

Why ?

You send a picture like that, I'm doing something about it.

- I have to.

- No, you don't.

I have to.

I love me a good savior complex but you are really pushing it.

I know people who have tried to hurt themselves.

I don't mess around with stuff like this.

Well.

That's not me.

I am relieved to hear it, but I'd still like to meet with you.

You said this is what loneliness looked like.

Meaning it's f*cking beautiful.

Yeah.

I'll meet with you Monday.

I appreciate you being honest.

No one ever is.

I'll always be honest with you.

You might just now always like it.

Bye.

- Chingada !

Sorry.

- It's okay.

I wasn't invited.

Riley: Nathan's here Riley: be nice he's having a weird night - Nathan ?

- Hey.

How's it going ?

I'm having the worst night of my life.

Wait - are you crying ?

No.

I just got something in my eye.

f*ck.

I wanna talk to you.

Can you take a picture of us ?

Seriously ?

I just said I was having the worst night of my life.

This might be the worst night of your life.

Actually no.

That might be when your youth pastor messages you on on Grindr.

Okay.

Ready ?

But my point is, for the most part it only goes up, right ?

And you should get a picture to remember.

That you'll never feel that bad again.

- I'm not really following you.

- That's okay.

You ready ?

See you guys later.

Hi...

Those portraits you took of Lucía are amazing.

You're so talented.

Aw, so sweet.

I barely had to do anything, her eyes are gorgeous, I'm obsessed with her.

I'll show you.

This is the most amazing picture I've ever seen.

- Oh, that's out of focus.

- Oh no, yeah, I didn't like that one.

- Sorry.

The focus is weird.

- This is the one.

Yes, you're right.

This one.

This is the amazing one.

- Are you coming tonight ?

- Definitely.

Cool.

Ana !

Can you help me with my makeup ?

What the f*ck, yes.

The g*ns.

Tonight we're gonna have a little kiki about toxic masculinity.

Go like this.

Now go like that.

More.

Not too much makeup, okay ?

Do you tell a banker how to count money ?

Shut the f*ck up.

- Who is she ?

- Who ?

The girl I'm b*ating your face for.

Oh no, it's not for anyone, it's just, you know.

A party.

Bitch, please.

I'm your aunt, not your mother, I don't care.

Am I supposed to tell you to be home at a certain time ?

- Eleven.

- I'm going to f*cking k*ll you.

- How about one ?

- Thank you.

- You talk to her today ?

- Who ?

Tu mamá.

It's too stressful, I don't know what to say to her on the phone.

- She just starts crying.

- What the f*ck ?

No seas egoísta.

I'm not selfish.

I don't know what to say to her on the phone, why are you yelling at me?

Put yourself in her shoes.

Why do you care about her ?

She's a total bitch to you.

You watching us while she's gone is like her nightmare.

Yeah mine too.

- Chingada !

Sorry.

- That's okay.

Hi...

Your tits look so good.

Can we talk about that crop top ?

I hate it when hot guys go queeny.

Like, stay with me baby, be a man.

Do your dads care that you say sh*t like that ?

You're such a bigot.

How can I be a bigot ?

My parents are fags.

Hey !

There you are !

Wait - are you okay ?

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

One second.

Don't move.

I'll be right back.

Hi.

Are you okay ?

I'm texting Chester right now.

Don't worry about Naomi.

You don't need a twin, you have me.

I'm fine.

I just got something in my eye.

Hi.

Sorry.

Are you okay ?

Family drama.

Oh that sucks.

My mom recently got...

Wait, I want to talk to you.

- Can you take a picture of us ?

- Yeah, one second.

Are you sure you're okay ?

Yeah.

Okay, we're ready.

You ready ?

Oh yeah, you want p*ssy and d*ck, don't you ?

You like that double Happy Meal.

You want to order a burger, a hot dog and all the soda.

Doggone it, Naomi, that credit card is for emergencies only.

- It was an emergency, Dad.

- At bleepin' Nordstrom's ?

Yes, at bleepin' Nordstrom, Dad.

If you had a bleepin' monthly visitor and you were wearing white pants, you might have to go to bleeping Nordstrom's !

So yeah, it was a bleepin'...

I'll be at school today for a fundraising meeting, so I can take you and your sister to church for the rehearsal.

Please wear the collared shirt, it makes you look taller.

We have to leave right after school.

Meet me out front.

What did I say ?

- Meet you out front.

- Right after school.

Why are they having a rehearsal when the wedding is two weeks away ?

Because we're organized.

And because I also have the Mayor's Prayer Breakfast to deal with and there are 1500 RSVPs.

purple dot - Oh no, please no.

- What ?

Nothing.

I'll be at school today for a fundraising meeting, so I can take you and your brother to the church for the rehearsal, okay ?

Please wear the pleated skirt, it's so nice for your knees.

- What's the purple dot for ?

- Eggs.

I can take you and your brother to the church for the rehearsal.

So meet me out front.

What did I say ?

Will you put down your phones please and listen to me ?

It's very frustrating, you know ?

That you insist on seeing me in this way.

I'm a loose person with a wide range of interests.

I'm blessed with many, many friends.

I do appreciate modern art.

I adore the Spanish language.

I'm... a fully formed person and yet you two insist on seeing me like this stick figure.

It's very...

It's frustrating.

- We weren't even talking about you.

- Nathan !

If I ever schedule sex dates on a whiteboard, please just like s*ab me repeatedly.

Same.

Also, why did they choose purple ?

I loved purple.

And now every time I see purple I think about Dad ramming Mom.

Oh look.

There's Jack.

Could he be hotter ?

- You can hang with us you know.

- I don't want to third wheel.

Whatever.

He knows we talk about everything anyway.

I tell you more than you tell me, but that's 'cause you're not getting any.

Literally all you're getting is hickeys.

He wants me to blow him.

But, I don't know.

Dicks are not cute.

- Is he even circumcised ?

- God you're nasty.

- Hi.

- Hey.

How you doin' ?

Oh sh*t.

See, I don't find a crop top on a guy sexy.

No, I agree.

But the ballsiness is.

And the zero body fat.

Jesus.

Can you please invite him to your party ?

I'm not gonna invite him, I don't know him.

Naomi hates me.

She low-key hates everyone.

Also she can't start dating and ignore me and all of a sudden stop watching The Bachelor with me in Season 23 and then be jealous of me having friends.

That Lucía picture you took is amazing.

You're so talented.

- Thanks.

Are you coming tonight ?

- Definitely.

Cool.

What a f*cking hero.

Riley, you need to invite him.

I'm not gonna invite him.

What's it going to say ?

Reviewing last night's homework.

Numbers 4, 6, 7, and 8.

I had trouble with number eight.

She's so annoying.

Let's talk about it.

"The ratio of boys to girls in a physics class is 3:1.

If six students are absent, and the total class number is divisible by 6, how many students are girls ?" What's the problem, Delilah ?

The problem is we don't live in a world of just boys and girls.

What about the non-binary kids ?

Let's assume the students in this fictitious class are straight.

I think the word you meant to say is cisgender, but anyway.

Solving the problem, there are apparently 36 boys and apparently 12 girls in a physics class, which, when you think about it, it's pretty anti-feminist.

And what about the six absent kids ?

Is anyone else thinking they didn't show up because they are non-binary and felt sick of getting bullied by douchey cisgender kids ?

Well...

Moving on to problem 9.

Actually, I also had trouble with number 9.

Magic Mike stage show over here !

They're hickeys, come on !

I heard if the hickeys are long and skinny it means he's a sociopath.

But if they're round, he's a normal guy.

- They look kinda long and skinny.

- Really ?

Also a New Zealand woman had a stroke because of a hickey.

- You're joking.

- Be careful.

His mouth is lethal.

- What are you doing ?

- It's funny.

No, it's not funny.

Gimme your phone.

- Gimme your phone.

- No !

- Why do you have to be such a douche ?

- f*ck you !

Fine, snitch on me to Mom again.

I don't care.

Okay.

How's everybody feeling ?

A little nervous...

It's normal.

Okay, so I'll make a brief intro...

Then I'll say a few words about you.

About how much your family has meant to this church !

Please, no, no.

You don't have to say anything.

I couldn't possibly dominate.

- This is not about me.

- You know...

- It's Natalia's big day.

- I do need to say something.

Megan and Mark...

My goodness, what you have done for us...

No, really.

Please.

We do what we can.

I'll be reading from First Corinthians.

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude.

It is not self-seeking.

It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

- Can you please keep it a secret ?

- You just said you're not gay.

I'm not !

Why would you even record that ?

For the same exact reason you took the picture.

- It was a joke.

- Me too.

How was I supposed to know I was recording gay p*rn ?

It's not gay.

A guy sending a guy d*ck pics, what could be gayer than that ?

- Why wouldn't you tell me ?

- There's nothing to tell.

I tell you everything.

I told you I might even touch a d*ck.

Well maybe touching a d*ck is very different.

Oh my God, if you want to do secrets and sh*t, fine, we'll do it.

- I just thought we were...

- What ?

I don't know like - not like that.

But if you ever show anyone that picture, I will project this video on top of the f*cking school.

f*ck !

Sorry !

Okay.

I totally crashed.

Let's f*ck those turtles up !

Jack, can I talk to you for a minute ?

Yeah.

This is...

Do you feel shitty ?

I feel shitty.

Naomi saw the chat.

She's not going to find out.

And it's not like it means anything, right ?

It's just like - a hookup.

- Sorry.

- Sorry.

Do you want to ?

I don't know...

Dude, you just came in my f*cking eye !

One second.

Hold on, I'll be right back.

- Hey, you okay ?

- I'm fine.

I'm texting Chester right now.

You wanna talk to him before he leaves.

Hey.

Don't worry about Naomi.

You don't need a twin, you have me.

I'm fine, I just need some water.

Nathan ?

Hey.

How is it going ?

Are you crying ?

No, I'm having the worst night of my f*cking life.

Can you take a picture of us ?

Didn't I just say that I was having the worst night of my life ?

You might be having the worst night of your life.

Actually no.

That might be when your youth pastor...

It'll never feel as bad again.

- I'm not really following you.

- That's okay.

But can you remind me tomorrow ?

It sounds like something I really want to remember.

You're ready ?

How badly did I embarrass myself in front of Chester ?

You were fine.

He liked you.

But ?

But nothing.

But what ?

He said you were really sweet.

Did you actually tell Naomi you're bi ?

No.

I can't believe I hooked up with Jack.

- It's okay.

- It's really not.

If I had a sister, I would literally d onothing but f*ck her boyfriends.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you have fun at your party ?

Not in a life-altering way.

But yeah, it was fun.

You should go back to bed.

Will you sleep next to me ?

Sure.

In a bit.