01x10 - Santa's Little Helper

[bunniefuu]

"And it was always said of Scrooge...

"that he knew how to keep Christmas well...

"if any man alive possessed the knowledge.

"May that be truly said of us, and all of us.

"And so as Tiny Tim observed...

"God bLess us. every one. "

And so ends Dickens' masterpiece "A Christmas Carol."

Wait a minute.

Where's the Grinch?

Yeah.

Isn't the Grinch supposed to show up now...

and, like, take everything?

How come it's called "A Christmas Carol" anyway?

Yeah.

There was nobody in this story named Carol.

Miss Lawrence, would you please trade places with Mr. Matthews?

All right.

I am a hyperactive, underachieving, -year-old boy.

I meant physically.

Oh, well, that takes less of a psychic toll.

Why do I have to move?

We were just giving our view of the book.

Yeah.

I mean, you say literary masterpiece...

- we say...

Anh!

- Anh!

Mr. Matthews, I'm less interested in your review...

than I am that you understand the material.

What, in your opinion, was Mr. Dickens...

trying to express in his Christmas story?

That if you're a real butthead...

then neat ghosts will take you to cool places.

Anh!

Fish and sticks.

Two things nature never would've put together.

What'd you get?

Peanut butter and jelly.

Two things nature couldn't keep apart.

Since when did your mom pack you lunch?

I thought you liked fish sticks.

I do, but I think it's cruel...

how the little fish scream when they rip their sticks off.

May I sit down?

BOTH: No.

Well, since you're ambivalent.

Ah, Christmas.

Season of togetherness.

Season of brotherhood.

Season of wool.

Nine out of ten Christmas gifts...

wool.

It doesn't matter if it's shaped like socks or a sweater...

it's wool and it's itchy.

The gift isn't as important as the thought behind it.

What's the thought behind wool?

This kid doesn't scratch enough?

I agree with Stuart.

Oh, no.

It's a nerd swarm.

Minkus, shut off your geek magnet.

I just think we often lose sight...

of the true meaning of Christmas in the frenzy of commercialism.

What are you talking about?

How do We knowWhat to ask for if We don't have commercials?

Christmas is the celebration of the winter solstice...

an ancient tribal ritual whose origins are lost in time.

Yeah, we were just talking about that in the bathroom.

Listen, Topanga, I think I can hear them...

calling you back into your own dimension.

Oh, yeah.

They're saying...

"Topanga, get your aura back here."

"And bring Minkus."

BOTH: Ha!

OK.

Christmas tree update.

I think I got my real leather NBA regulation basketball.

Cool.

Major gift.

So major a gift...

I've been saving up to buy my gift a gift.

What do you get the basketball who has everything?

A $ .

top of the line imitation nylon net.

You have five bucks?

I've been saving up for a month.

Let's go buy it after school.

No.

Then I tip off my parents that I know what I'm getting.

You are a yuletide master.

Christmas is very delicate.

You screw up...

wool.

So, what's the update at your house?

Me?

Hey, Bob Stubcheck's Sports World...

has to send over a truck with all the stuff my dad got me.

He got me, like, everything.

That's great.

Yeah.

My dad totally came through this year.

Speaking of gifts, you haven't yet chipped in your $ .

...

for the class present to Mr. Feeny.

- Tomorrow.

- You said that yesterday.

Come on, Shawn...

don't think of it as $ .

for Feeny's present.

Think of it as five bucks to make Minkus go away.

Look, Minkus, I just spent my last money on lunch, oK?

I'll give it to you tomorrow.

What?

His mother charged him a packing fee?

[SIGHS] Hi.

Hey!

Did you have fun at the mall?

I don't think I'd call it fun.

Well, hi, pumpkin.

I bet you had fun.

Did you get your picture taken with Santa Claus?

Aaah!

I tried to tell you.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know that...

meant "Don't mention Santa." What happened?

Well, Morgan was waiting in line to sit on Santa's lap...

and she was kind of nervous, and there was this elf...

who looked like a hitman, only meaner.

What?

Did Santa scare her?

No, no.

He was just this nice old man...

with a jolly red face.

You know, looking back, his face really was too red.

I mean I just thought he was overheated.

Velvet is a fabric that doesn't breathe.

Amy, what happened?

Well, oK, so Morgan climbs up on Santa's lap...

and he asks her what she wants...

and she says a Suzie Homemaker oven...

and then he grabbed his chest, yelled "Rudolph," and fell over.

Are we talking eight reindeer pulling a pine box?

No, no.

I think he's all right.

I mean, the hitman elf gave him CPR...

while Mrs. Claus called the paramedics.

Alan, it isn't funny!

Morgan thinks she k*lled Santa Claus.

Well, did you tell her that he's oK?

Of course I did.

I said he was just resting...

and he'd be fine.

Maybe you can take her to visit him in the hospital.

I really don't think it'll help her to see...

Santa Claus with a tube stuck up his nose.

Hey.

What's with the weasel?

She locked herself in the bathroom...

and she's singing...

♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪

♪ I m*rder*d Santa CLaus ♪

I'll go check on her.

ohh!

Hi, Cory.

Hello, son, apple of my eye.

Dad, there's no reaching him when he's taking inventory.

Yes!

A new arrival!

It's Wool.

You know, Cor, when I was a kid...

Christmas was about appreciating your gifts...

because they were given with love.

Love, right.

Glad that's over.

OK.

Three new boxes and only one sounds itchy.

I'm going to go tell Shawn.

Whoa.

Wait a minute.

Where are you going?

To call Shawn.

I don't think it'd be such a good idea...

to exaggerate about the gifts you're getting.

- I have to just to keep up.

- What do you mean?

I mean, Bob Stubcheck's Sports World has been moved.

It's new location?

Under Shawn's tree.

I think Shawn may have been exaggerating a little bit.

Dad, it's Christmas.

You're supposed to exaggerate.

I'm gonna tell him I got five new presents under the tree.

You know, I don't think...

Shawn's gonna be having much of a Christmas this year.

Why not?

[SIGHS]

Shawn's dad got laid off.

Shawn's dad lost his job?

Yeah.

I guess he was just too embarrassed to tell you.

But I'm his best friend.

So that's why his mom's packing his lunch.

Shawn's not getting anything for Christmas...

just like Tiny Tim in that story about Carol.

I don't think it's quite that bad.

Dad, can I give him one of the presents...

under the tree so at least he has something?

That'd be really nice, Cor.

OK.

How about one of Eric's?

MORGAN: ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

Morgan, if you come out...

I'll let you play with my makeup.

♪ And a happy new year ♪

Morgan, come out.

Santa's fine.

MORGAN: No.

he's not.

Well, then how come he just called me on the phone?

MORGAN: He did?

Yep.

MORGAN: What did he say?

He said, "Ho ho h... ohh! ohh!" Stop it.

What?

He said you've been a very, very good girl...

and I should give you something really special.

MORGAN: Like what?

Whatever you tell her, she's gonna want it...

the second you open that door.

How about my new flannel shirt that you like so much?

OK.

Ta-da!

What?

For you.

What is it?

Open it.

For you from me.

It's not going to blow up, is it?

Open it!

open it!

Here.

Let me open it.

A real leather NBA certified...

dribbles like a dream basketball!

I'm giving it to you.

Don't you love me?

Why'd you give this to me?

Because it's Christmas.

So?

We never give each other stuff for Christmas.

Yeah, but this year's kind of different.

Why?

Well... because.

Because why?

Because you're my best friend.

But I wasn't last year.

No, you were, it's just...

Cory, best friends don't lie to each other.

OK.

Look, Shawn, I gave you this because I didn't think...

you'd be getting that many gifts this year.

Hey, I told you.

I'm getting a ton of stuff.

I don't need a basketball.

My dad already got me two.

Look, Shawn, best friends don't lie to each other.

What are you talking about?

I know about your dad getting laid off.

- Says who?

- Says my dad.

Oh, so what'd you do, go tell everyone?

No.

I didn't tell anyone.

Look, Shawn, I'm trying to give you a nice gift...

so you don't have a Tiny Tim Christmas...

and you're acting like you're mad at me.

Oh, so I'm supposed to be all happy...

that you gave me some bogus gift?

That's not a bogus gift.

That's a totally major gift.

It was my best gift...

and I was nice enough to give it to you.

Yeah.

Well, keep it.

I don't want your basketball.

Wouldn't you rather have something for Christmas...

than nothing at all?

I'd rather have nothing for Christmas...

than your lousy charity.

Hey, Shawn, Christmas is about charity.

You should be thanking me!

Boy, where's his Christmas spirit?

Where's his gratitude?

I can name one sixth grader...

who wasn't paying attention to "A Christmas Carol."

I can name one, too, Mr. Matthews.

- Yeah, Shawn.

- Cory.

Ha ha!

No, I'm Cory.

You've been calling me Mr. Matthews for so long...

you must've forgot.

Believe me, I know who you are.

I also know that a true gift is given with no expectation.

What's that mean?

It means you gave the gift to get the thanks.

I gave the guy my official NBA genuine leather basketball...

and he threw it back in my face.

What kind of friend is that?

You know what I like most about Christmas?

I go away for a week?

Yeah, that's pretty special.

But it's the time of year that you can think back...

and appreciate the real gifts you received.

I don't get it.

Friendship, for example, is a real gift.

And it's given with no expectation...

and no gratitude is necessary.

Not between real friends.

You think about that.

[SIGHS]

We finally got Morgan out of the bathroom.

- Great.

How'd you do it?

- Psychology.

And bribery.

What happened to that mean elf?

Oh, he went back to the North Pole with Santa.

I think he Was mad at me.

No.

He wasn't mad at you.

Then how come he called me a demon child?

Well, he's gone now and you don't ever...

have to worry about him ever, ever again.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- I'll get it.

- Thank you.

Aaah!

- Mr. Matthews?

- Yeah?

I'm the elf.

No kidding.

I came to return your wife's money.

She paid for a picture with Santa.

She never got it.

Uh, excuse me.

You called my little girl a demon child?

Hey, all I know is one minute...

Santa's all jolly, jingling his bells...

the next minute, your kid sits on his lap...

ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom!

Heart att*ck.

Coincidence?

I don't think so.

ELF: Yeah?

Merry stinking Christmas to you. too. paL!

Shawn, it's tomorrow.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the class present.

You still haven't paid your $ . .

Fine, I'll give it to you.

I just don't have it on me.

I'm going to buy the present tonight...

so today is the last day to give me the money.

I said I'll give it to you.

If you don't give me $ .

right now...

I'm not going to put your name on the card...

and the entire sixth grade of Jefferson Elementary...

is going to know you're a deadbeat.

Fine, then I am.

oK?

Minkus, leave him alone.

He doesn't have the money.

- He doesn't?

- No.

Oh.

That puts me in an awkward position.

I can't put his name on the card...

if he doesn't give me the money.

Rules are rules.

I'm the class treasurer, an elected official.

They could subpoena my diaries.

Um, look...

a couple weeks ago, Shawn lent me five bucks...

and I never paid him back.

That's why he doesn't have the money.

Oh, so you're the deadbeat.

Yeah.

But I've got it now, so here it is.

Just make sure you put Shawn's name on the card, oK?

Don't worry.

His name, however...

will have to be last since he was the last one to pay.

Gee, Minkus, I wonder whose name is first on the list?

Does it rhyme with stinkus?

I hope our reading "A Christmas Carol"...

has interested all of you...

in reading other works by Charles Dickens.

No, but I will watch the David Copperfield special.

Mr. Minkus.

In my capacity as class treasurer...

I Would like to present you...

with the sixth grade's Christmas gift.

Oh, my.

Well...

ooh, it has the lovely heft of a thick book.

You cunning bibliophile, you.

Oh, my!

A dictionary.

How wonderful.

"To our admired and respected teacher...

"from his dutiful and attentive class."

I Wrote that.

I never would've guessed.

And all our names are written below.

Yes.

Minkus all the way down to Hunter.

You all seem to be there.

Well, I am very touched.

This means a great deal to me.

So thank you very much.

[BELL RINGS]

Merry Christmas!

Have a wonderful vacation.

CoRY: Hurry!

Get out while you can!

Hurry!

Don't forget to read two books from the reading list.

Nobody heard that.

Hey, Minkus.

Thanks for putting my name on the card.

Don't thank me.

Your deadbeat friend...

finally paid back the money he owed you.

What?

It's oK.

You don't have to cover for him anymore.

He told me how you lent him $ .

... and he didn't give it back.

Cory told you that?

Yep, and he handed me five bucks.

He gave you his $ . ?

I guess his conscience finally got the better of him.

Hey, Minkus.

Merry Christmas.

Really?

Merry Christmas to you, too.

- Hey.

- Hey.

You know, I was cleaning up my garage...

and I found something you might like.

A net!

It belonged to my dad.

It's real old...

so it might not be genuine imitation nylon.

Whoa, if it's that old, it could be actual nylon!

It's yours.

Cool.

Thanks.

Figure this way, you got the net and I got the ball.

What ball?

You gave that to me.

I think I remember you throwing this back in my face.

So every time you miss a pass, we're not gonna be friends?

You want this ball...

you're gonna have to take it from me, aren't you?

Nice try.

Think you can steal it from me?

Yeah.

Hey, I did it.

Nah.

I let you have it.

It was charity.

It's Christmas.

[PLAYING "HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING"]

Not in the house.

You guys are playing with that so much...

I'm afraid you're going to wear a hole in it.

Who cares?

It's his ball.

Close the door, please.

You guys ready for supper?

Shawn, I've got plenty.

If you want to stay, I could call your mom.

Thanks, Mrs. Matthews, but we're stringing up...

the lights tonight and I want to be with my dad.

OK.

Well, before you go, I want you to take...

these Christmas cookies to your mom.

I helped make them.

Yeah.

Careful when you bite into them.

One of Barbie's little plastic shoes is missing.

Merry Christmas, you guys.

DAD: Merry Christmas.

Shawn.

- Hoops here tomorrow?

- Do I have a choice?

You're the only guy on the block with a net.

Shawn, you going to be oK?

Hey, when I got friends, I can get through anything.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, wow, somebody's at the back door.

Wow, I wonder who that could be at the back door.

I have no clue.

- I forgot my line.

- Maybe Morgan...

oh, yeah!

Maybe Morgan should go get the back door.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

I'm not answering any more doors.

Well, I think you're going to want to answer this one.

It's Santa!

Look, everybody, he's alive!

MoM: Well, aren't you going to let him in?

Hello, Morgan.

I am Santa.

And I've just returned from the North Pole...

where I was just resting.

Santa, are you feeling better?

Oh, yes, my dear.

As it turns out...

Mrs. Claus merely undercooked my figgy pudding.

I'm going to get the camera.

Well, now, little Morgan...

tell Santa what you want for Christmas.

Good grades for your big brother.

Ho ho ho.

OK, everybody, gather round for a picture.

Santa in the middle.

Mommy, why does Santa look like Mr. Feeny?

♪ jingle beLLs. Batman smells ♪

♪ Robin Laid an egg ♪

♪ BatmobiLe Lost its wheeL ♪

♪ Commissioner broke his Leg. oh ♪

Who taught you that?

- Cory.

- Well, he taught you wrong.

It goes like this.

♪ jingle beLLs. jingle beLLs ♪

♪ jingle aLL the way ♪

♪ Oh. what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one horse open sleigh. hey ♪

Boring