01x11 - The Father/Son Game

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, pumpkin.

I've been up since : !

Nice mess.

It's my biggest.

Friday.

I love Friday.

Soon I'm gonna be home for the whole weekend.

Friday.

I hate Friday.

Soon you're gonna be home for the whole weekend.

- Oh, you love me.

- oh, you wish.

Ahh, good morning.

Let me give you a weekend weather update.

Whether or not I have a date with Cindy this weekend...

depends on how partly cool I am in school today.

There is a definite Vicki front moving in this Saturday...

and temperatures are expected to rise.

Cooling off by : , when you're expected to be home.

Oh, Mom, we both know...

how unpredictable the weather can be.

Don't mess With Mother Nature.

I'll be home by : .

Hey, Mom, where's my blue sugar moons?

Where's my marshmallow teddy bears?

This cereal's bogus.

It's full of hamster food and corn flake dust.

Where's all the good stuff?

Morgan?

She took out all the good stuff.

I've been up since : !

Morgan, all this is is sugar-coated... sugar.

I'm feeling very perky.

Why don't we go up to your room, honey?

How come?

How come?

How come?

How come?

How come?

Because if we leave right away...

we might make it to your bed before the coma.

Coma?

Coma?

Coma, coma, coma.

I've been up since : !

Can't hold your sugar, you shouldn't do breakfast.

Don't waste this, honey.

Have her paint the house.

Hey, Dad.

Good morning, Cory.

Hi, Eric.

Hello, Brooks Robinson deep pocket...

Fielder's Choice model.

How are you feeling today, all warm and broken in?

You know, Dad, most people put their gloves...

under the mattress to break them in.

Well, most people don't have a glove...

that they broke in years ago, Eric.

See, now, with this baby, you baste it with Glovolium...

and you bake it in a slow oven...

till the web's ready to snap shut on any line drive...

that comes near third base tomorrow.

The father/son softball game.

Has it been a year already?

Can you believe it?

- Uh-uh.

- No.

Who are you playing this year, Dad?

Me?

It's not about me playing.

It's us.

The game's nothing without you guys.

Hey, that's nice.

Isn't that nice?

Yeah, that's nice.

You'll be thrilled to know...

that the Market Giant Juggernaut is gonna steamroll...

over the Unicorn Rainbow Bookstore.

What, that new-age place?

Yeah.

Why don't they just give us the trophy?

I mean, these guys are much too zen for baseball.

I mean, these are people with inner peace...

and spiritual tranquillity.

Let's k*ll 'em.

The father/son softball game.

Has it been a year already?

Can you believe it?

- Uh-uh.

- No.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

ALL: And to the republic for which it stands...

one nation, under God...

indivisible...

with liberty and justice for all.

Miss Lawrence, I couldn't help noticing...

that you didn't recite the Pledge of Allegiance...

this morning.

Yes, sir.

I elected not to.

Why was that?

I didn't feel like it.

This is gonna be cool.

What was that, Mr. Matthews?

Uh, I said, this is gonna be cool, Mr. Feeny.

Why?

'Cause you're finally gonna nail Topanga for being weird.

Do you think it's weird to engage in social protest?

I think it's weird to pick on me...

when she didn't say the pledge of allegiance.

Well, Mr. Matthews...

it seems that you and Miss Lawrence...

have opposing positions for this morning's debate.

Uh-oh.

You been set up, bud.

Mr. Feeny told you not to say the pledge?

Ohh.

Today's social studies discussions...

American traditions...

the Pledge of Allegiance versus social protest.

Mr. Matthews, defend old Glory.

Miss Lawrence, defend the right to dissent.

Just because it's a tradition doesn't mean you have to do it.

But it's the Pledge of Allegiance.

It takes, like, ten seconds to say.

Why can't you just say it and make everyone happy?

Because if I'm forced to do it just because...

it's some tradition I don't understand...

then it doesn't make me happy.

Can you spell...

peculiar?

Oh, and you're normal?

You talk to a flag every day...

and you don't even know what you're saying.

But I do it.

I do it because I'm supposed to do it.

And that's what makes me a great American.

[HUMMING "GLORY, GLORY, HALLELUJAH"]

That's what makes this country great.

That flag.

Because that flag gives us the right..

to have this discussion.

And this discussion is the most important discussion...

we will ever have, and...

[BELL RINGS] Out of here!

Parents don't understand...

how important the weekend is, you know?

Yeah.

Like there's not enough pressure on us...

being in the sixth grade all week.

And then they want us to do stuff on our only days off.

Only three days till Monday.

Minkus, I'm sure that if you check your ticket stub...

you'll see that your seat is in the goon section.

I'm just leaving my tray here while I get an apple, oK?

I mean, my weekends are jam-packed.

I have no spare time.

Minkus left his hamburger here.

I get up saturday morning and I watch "X-Men."

It's very hard for me to be alone with Minkus's hamburger.

My next stop is the comic book store.

Especially when it's just sitting there...

begging for more salt.

Then in the afternoon, I hang with you.

I don't know if this is...

a personality disorder with me or what.

Then it's home for Saturday night pizza night.

But I'm just never happy unless I'm doing stuff like this.

And then it's four hours of video games...

and it's a good night.

I don't mean just a little happy.

Where's a spare minute?

I mean I'll have this moment and know it was a good day.

I can't take the pressure of a father/son softball game.

Oh, I hate those.

They take it so seriously.

I know.

My dad always screams and yells...

like it's the most important thing in the world.

And they always get injured.

To us it's only a game.

To them it's a guest sh*t on "Rescue ."

The trouble With fathers is...

they sometimes try to live vicariously...

through their children.

OK, Minkus.

That's enough quality time.

Take your little hamburger and go to your table.

Hey, did you do anything to my hamburger?

Yeah.

Sure.

Like doing something to his hamburger gives me my jollies.

Look, guys.

Shaquille o'Neal.

BoTH: ooh, where?

Gee, I guess we just missed him.

Hey, Minkus, isn't that Stephen Hawking?

Where?

Oh, darn.

I missed him, too.

Well, see ya.

Why do they think he's so much smarter than us?

Because he is, isn't he?

He's out there practicing for tomorrow.

- We're trapped.

- What are we gonna do?

There's no way out.

MOM: Out of what?

That's Mom.

Yes, it is.

We're gonna have to tell her.

Yes, we are.

Mom, we don't want to play in the father/son softball game.

Why is this my problem?

Look, I think what my-less-than-tactful...

little brother is trying to say...

is that these father/son softball games are...

Not real exciting for you.

- Right.

- Right.

So you understand what we're saying.

I understand that neither one of you...

is willing to give up a couple of hours on a Saturday...

For something your father's really looking forward to doing.

I'm really looking forward to my date with Vicki tomorrow.

I mean, why should I give that up?

Hey, Mom, why don't you play?

Yeah.

Look, if this was a husband/wife softball game...

believe me, I'd be there.

But it's not, thank God.

It's a father/son game.

Look, we're just asking you to get us off the hook.

No.

This is your hook...

and you're gonna hang on it like the worms you are.

Mom, you're not walking out on us for good, are you?

I'm going to the bank.

Your heartless father...

asked me to deposit his paycheck...

so we could pay the bills.

oh, the nerve.

Where are you going?

I want to go with you.

Where are you going?

No, honey.

There's long lines at the bank...

and there's no place to sit.

It'd be a lot easier for me and more fun for you...

if you stayed here and played with your toys.

I'm going to the bank with Mommy.

OK, Eric.

You're older.

I'm counting on you to get us out of this.

- I can do it.

- I know you can.

- I've got it.

- I knew you could!

Look, it's the father/son game, right?

Not the father/sons game.

A loophole.

Only one of us has to go.

Ring, ring.

Hello?

It's the governor.

We're saved!

You're a genius!

Yes, I am.

Hey, good luck at the game.

Remember, when all Dad's friends...

go up and tousle your hair and call you "tiger"...

here's what a sincere smile looks like.

Time out, tooth boy.

Why do I have to go?

Look, Cory, I'd go...

but what if Dad and I started talking about golf...

talked about how someone broke his driver...

in the backyard hittin' rocks with it?

- You wouldn't.

- I would.

- You wouldn't.

- I would.

OK, fine.

I'm gonna go.

But wait.

What if Dad starts joking around...

about how nervous he is that you're getting...

your driver's license next year?

I'd have to calm him down by saying...

"Eric's driven your car around the block...

"a thousand times, and nothing's ever happened."

- You wouldn't.

- I would.

- You wouldn't.

- I would.

- You wouldn't.

- What are you, new?

Look, I'm not going.

Well, I'm not, either.

I guess the only fair way is to let Dad decide.

- Fine.

- Fine.

May the best excuse win.

- Dad!

- Dad!

[BOTH SHOUTING AT ONCE]

Hey, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Start all over again... this time in English.

[BOTH TALKING AT ONCE]

Whoa, whoa.

No, try again.

One at a time.

You first.

Look, Dad, I can't play in the softball game tomorrow.

See, Vicki and I have this really important project...

due next week, and, well, we've had...

this study date planned since, like, ...

- What subject?

- Science.

You're not in the same class.

We have identical projects due on the same day, oK?

Oh, amazing coincidence.

Isn't it?

Look, anyway...

I'm supposed to meet her at the library tomorrow...

Meet her on Sunday.

The library's closed sunday.

Not anymore.

They changed the hours.

Guys, I got to tell you something.

Dad, unbelievably, my left leg...

has to be tested for radon tomorrow.

I just got a phone call.

Yeah, it's probably nothing...

but I'm the last guy to endanger my family...

and the testing's free.

The game has been canceled.

And I told them, "Take the leg off...

"because, darn it, I got a softball game with my dad!"

They couldn't generate enough interest.

That stinks.

Yeah, I was psyched.

Ah, don't worry about it.

There'll be other games.

Hey, is the library really open on Sunday?

How do I know?

Not bad.

So, how was your weekend?

Ah, one of the all-time greats.

I slept in, I Watched TV...

I relaxed, I played video games.

And Sunday, I took it easy.

Hi, Cory.

Hey, look who just beamed down.

Hi, Topanga.

I missed you at the game Saturday.

What game?

Your father's grocery store against my father's bookstore.

Uh, Topanga, in this dimension, there was no game.

Yes, there was.

I played.

Topanga, that game was canceled.

You wish.

We were k*lling you...

until your father's assistant manager...

tried to throw the ball home from center field..

and sprained his elbow.

The ambulance had to come and take him away.

There's always an ambulance.

My father told me that game was called off.

Well, it wasn't.

What's the big deal?

Maybe your dad...

just didn't feel like playing.

Maybe he didn't feel like playing alone.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS] OK.

I'm here.

What?

Mom, this is bad.

Look, there was a father/son softball game on Saturday.

Oh, shocker.

You know?

She knows.

I don't get it.

Why'd Dad tell us the game was canceled?

Gee, guys, I'm not sure.

Did you give him any indication that you didn't want to play?

- No way.

- No way.

- We were completely cool.

- Completely cool.

- He knew immediately.

- He knows everything.

Obviously he picked up on the fact...

that you didn't want to play...

and he's the one who let you off the hook.

Worms.

We're worms.

We made our father feel bad.

Mom, can you get us out of this?

You know, for old times' sake?

Hmm.

Can't.

The fat lady has sung and gone home.

She's in her kitchen eating cheesecake.

Come on, Mom.

We made our father feel bad.

Well, he's a big boy.

He'll get over it...

But hopefully you guys learned something for the next time.

I have.

I really have.

Good.

Then you get over it, too.

I can't get over it.

I'll never get over it.

Dad really wanted to play, and he knew we didn't...

so he dumped the game for us.

It's like "The Gift of the Magi"...

except we didn't get him anything.

Are we bad sons, Eric?

Right now we are.

I don't feel so good.

I have appendicitis.

That's not your appendix, that's your heart.

I have ahearticitis.

[BANGING] Mr. Matthews.

Mr. Matthews.

Leonard Spinelli.

I work for your father down at the grocery store.

We know who you are, Lenny.

We're the ones that called you.

Yeah, I know.

And it was a rare treat...

but, since you never called me before...

I thought I'd give you one last chance...

to make sure you got the right guy.

Did you get the stuff we asked you for?

Yes, I did.

Then we got the right guy.

OK, let's see.

Ground chuck.

Hamburger buns.

You may be wondering how I sprained my elbow.

Lenny, we know you got hurt at the softball game.

What game?

You're not supposed to know about the game.

I hurt myself getting out of a turtleneck that shrunk.

We know about the game, Lenny.

Just don't let Dad know we know about the game.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

oK, let's recap.

Your father says there was no game...

but knows there was one.

You know there was a game...

but you don't want your father to know you know.

Well, let me ask you this... don't you think he knows...

you know he knows you know you know he knows, you know?

You got to excuse me, I'm on painkillers.

Root beer.

Pickles and chips.

You know, this is the first occasion...

I've ever done myself physical damage...

that I can remember.

Ketchup.

Of course, I can remember many occasions...

when I've done myself vast emotional damage.

Pimento loaf?

Did We ask for this?

No, but I threw that in 'cause I really love it.

What?

Now we got everything we need...

for that all-guy party you described.

Lenny...

About that party, Lenny.

See...

Vast emotional damage.

We'd be delighted if you could attend.

Thank you.

Delighted to be here.

I'll go turn off my car.

Is this the best time you could ever have?

Just cooking burgers in the backyard...

Dad and his boys...

And his dad's assistant manager.

Time of my life.

I'd applaud, but I'd pass out.

Salad's done.

Good-looking salad.

Real men need a salad...

they can eat with their hands.

Yeah, you just pick it up and dunk it in the dressing.

Ah, no dirty dishes...

No napkins, no utensils...

When we're finished, we just hose down the porch.

Man meal.

End of story.

Boy, you guys know how to have a good time.

Someday, when I have a family...

I'm gonna have a good time.

Unless my wife divorces me and my kids hate me...

because she poisoned them against me...

and I have to send my entire weekly paycheck...

to support the blood-sucking leeches...

while I live in squalor and despair.

Did I mention I'm on painkillers?

Root beers all around?

Oh, right.

We're having fun now.

You having a good time, Dad?

Hey, great.

What could be better?

Yeah.

What could be better?

Yeah.

- Could I see you?

- Yeah.

He hates it.

He doesn't hate it.

He's having a nice time.

Nice isn't good enough, Eric.

Remember how psyched he was about the softball game?

That Was the time he Wanted.

He wanted one lousy softball game...

and we didn't give it to him.

We gave him dinner.

We gave him dinner...

which he's given us, what, only every night of our lives.

We thought it would be such a big deal.

I guess we should've just given him the game.

Yeah.

We should've just stepped up to the plate...

and said, "I pledge allegiance to my dad"...

and swung for that game-winning home run.

Think that would've been better than tonight?

Hey, you guys.

Come out and get some pimento loaf.

I just noticed the expiration date.

Oh, yeah.

Much better than tonight.

All right, class, when we were last in social studies...

We were addressing the issue of social dissent.

Miss Lawrence?

I've thought over my position, Mr. Feeny.

And not only do I not want to say the Pledge of Allegiance...

but I also do not want to wear shoes.

We who sit behind you object.

Mr. Matthews, you were a pro-pledger as I recall.

Yeah, I was, but I thought it over.

Oh?

You've changed your position?

No.

I haven't, but I can argue it better now.

Really?

Well, then, the floor is yours.

At first, I thought we should just say it...

because it was a tradition, and it's the flag...

but now I think it's dumb...

to do something and not know why you do it.

And what conclusion has that led you to?

That if there's something you care about...

like the country you live in or the father you have...

then allegiance, which means...

"Noun.

Loyalty or devotion to a government...

"or a group or a person."

Allegiance is something you should show.

So, then you believe that you should respect...

the traditions of that government...

or group or person.

Yeah.

I should've.

Or teacher?

[BELL RINGS]

Or a teacher.

Why aren't you guys asleep?

We couldn't sleep, Dad.

We got something on our minds.

Yeah, and it's really dragging us down.

Oh, come on, guys.

Forget it.

You threw me a barbecue.

We're even.

No.

We're way past that guilt.

We never found out the score of the father/son softball game.

Oh, well, we got creamed.

- .

You let those sandal-wearing, crystal-packing...

brown rice-eating veg heads walk all over you?

[LAUGHS] Hey, I wasn't even there.

Well, whose fault is that?

Yours.

- No, it isn't.

- oh, it isn't?

No.

Because traditionally...

it's the son's part of the game to not want to go.

And it's the father's part of the game to make us go.

You didn't make us go.

You didn't play the game.

You broke the tradition, Dad.

And I figure that's why we lost.

You do?

Yeah, but seeing as we're bucking tradition...

why do we have to wait a whole year...

to play another father/son game?

Yeah.

How about we challenge the Unicorn Rainbow Bookstore...

to another game right now?

Well, uh, I am free next weekend.

- So are we.

- No matter what we're doing.

All right.

We got a game.

We got a game.

We got a game.

- Oh, Dad...

- Hmm?

- On one condition.

- What?

- Lose the doll.

- Yeah.

Yes!

Victory!

Carnivores , Brussels Sprouts .

Hut hut!

And here's the game-winning father now.

Great slide into home, Dad.

Hey, high five.

All right.

Yeah, that was a great game.

I had a terrific time.

I can't wait till next year.

Ah, you don't have to.

That's the best part.

Yeah, the bookstore wants to go best two out of three.

We got a rematch next week.

Hey, that's nice.

Isn't that nice?

Yeah, that's nice