(MUSIC PLAYING)
(BEEPING)
(COMPUTER BEEPING)
Perfect.
♪ As we look back on junior high ♪ Our fondest thoughts will be with thy ♪ Oh, mighty Lawrence ♪ Hail our alma mater ♪ Inside your walls we blossomed and we grew ♪ We sing your praise ♪ The green and gold forever ♪ And to thee, your wombat whiskers, we'll...
♪ We'll be true ♪ Ruby Mendel, thank you.
"Our Beloved Alma Mater" never sounded lovelier.
Oh, my gosh, guys.
I'm going to miss you so much.
But, Ren, we'll be together in high school.
-I know, but I'm just a little...
-I know.
Please welcome a student whose accomplishments are almost too numerous to mention.
PRINCIPAL WEXLER: Anchor of The Wombat Report, president of the Overachievers Club, my personal assistant, and the single most amazing young woman I have ever met.
Good gravy, I'm gonna miss her.
Your valedictorian, Ren Stevens.
(CHEERING)
REN: Oh, Principal Wexler.
Thank you.
Good afternoon, parents, teachers and fellow graduates.
Lawrence Junior High was not just a school, but it was a home away from home.
-It was a place to learn, a place to play.
-That's my little girl up there.
-REN: A place to think.
-I know, Dad.
I'm her brother.
Donnie, you're late.
Where's Louis?
He's going to miss Ren's speech.
I dropped him and Beans off.
-He said he wanted a better angle.
-For what?
REN: A place to think.
A place to grow.
We began as little tadpoles in a pond of knowledge.
-Ready to launch, boss?
-Patience, Beans.
-OK, but I'm going to bust a gut.
-Don't you do it.
LOUIS: Breathe.
Are you breathing?
REN: And even as we look to our future, we'll never forget our past.
Wherever we go on this planet I like to call Earth, (CHUCKLES)
we'll keep the wombat spirit alive, in our...
-...in our... in our hearts.
-(AUDIENCE GIGGLING)
REN: Um...
What is the wombat spirit?
Well, that's a-- that's a good question.
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
Um...
REN: It's service, it's dedication.
Coach Tugnut!
Confiscate that beachball.
I'm on it, chief.
REN: We'll keep the wombat spirit alive in our hearts.
What is the wombat spirit?
Good question.
It's um...
it's service, it's dedication.
It's-- it's commitment, it's perseverance.
-It's self-respect.
-(GIGGLING)
Uh...
Let me play with it.
Beans, stop it.
It's not a toy, all right?
This is my job.
This is what I do.
Sure, it's easy to say, "Me, me, me," but...
-COACH TUGNUT: Come on!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...what about, "We, we, we?" (BEEPS)
Remember, there is no "I" in "wombat." -(CLAPPING)
-(REN SIGHS)
Thank you.
All right.
Time to release confetti.
Confetti?
I thought you said...
(SCREAMING)
...spaghetti.
(CROWD GROANING)
Beans, your lack of listening skills has finally paid off.
(LOUIS LAUGHING)
Beans...
I think that we should lay low for a while.
All right?
Beans?
Mr.
Wexler, you cannot give me detention.
It's summer vacation, sir.
Please!
Rats.
You're right.
Ah, but think of all the days you'll owe me next year.
He's all yours.
Have a nice summer.
-What?
-I'll show you what.
STEVE: Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey!
Come on.
LOUIS: Hey!
Let's go!
Let's go!
(ANGRY SHOUTING)
-Enough!
-(CROWD QUIETS)
This is a very happy day.
We should all be happy.
Don't you realize that Donnie is going off to college in the fall, and-- and Ren is starting high school?
Soon you'll all be leaving home, going out on your own.
This-- this is a very precious time.
We should-- We should make the most of this summer as a family.
Mom's right, guys.
We need to cherish these days together.
But I got a date, so first thing tomorrow we're going to do some serious cherishing.
Bye.
Yeah, and I've got to meet up with the guys, so...
cherish you later?
So, guess it's just the three of us, huh?
Oh, uh...
Actually, uh...
Gil's taking me out to dinner.
Gil?
He's only been my boyfriend for the past three months, Dad.
-Doesn't ring a bell.
-Your father is still in denial.
(EILEEN CHUCKLES)
Well, OK.
Go, honey.
Go on, go.
Have a good time.
-All right.
I love you guys.
(CHUCKLES)
-I love you too.
(WHIMPERING)
Help me!
Help me!
(SOBS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(REN CLEARS THROAT)
(SIGHS)
Gil.
We're gonna have such a great summer.
We can spend every day together.
Can you believe how many syrups they have?
-(CHUCKLES)
-(THUD)
Hey, um...
Are you...
OK?
Yeah.
Yeah, fine.
It's just that...
Well, I took a summer job at a camp.
And I'm going to teach swimming to little kids.
Oh.
Oh, well that's great.
We'll have nights and weekends.
Ren, it's not a day camp.
Oh.
It's in Maine.
Oh.
Uh...
Yeah, that's...
(CLEARS THROAT)
That's really far.
-I know.
I'm sorry.
-It's OK.
I'm gonna miss you.
Yeah.
"Yeah?" Uh...
That's usually where people say, "I'm gonna miss you too." Ren, here's the thing.
-Uh-oh.
-I mean, it's been great, but I'm going to be going away and I don't want to be tied down.
Oh.
No, sure.
I mean, in case you meet another girl.
-Well, I probably won't.
-Oh, I know.
But no, no, no.
When you go to Maine, you want to keep your options open.
(CHUCKLES)
Right.
Exactly.
You know, when I come back, we can pick things up again.
(DEEP INHALE)
No, Gil, we can't.
Ren, are you upset?
You dump me in a pancake house and you wonder if I'm upset?
(SCOFFS)
(GRUNTS)
OK.
This would be a really great moment if the syrup wasn't so thick.
(DOOR SHUTS)
Honey, hi.
How was your date with Gil?
-(SOBS)
Oh, Mom.
-Oh, honey.
(SOBBING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(WHIRRING)
-The technology is amazing.
-It's your masterpiece.
You're really gonna sit in this thing all summer?
Hold on, hold on.
Don't call her a "thing." She's my ultra-loungematic super chair.
(WHIRRING)
(SLURPS NOISILY)
Sweet.
-(BELCHES)
Watch this.
Watch this.
-(BEEP)
Oh.
Like a thousand tiny fingers working all the right parts.
You've brought laziness to an art form.
-(BEEPS)
-Thank you, Tawny.
OK.
Thank you, darling.
Well, it certainly looks like it has all the bells and whistles.
-That reminds me.
-(CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMING)
-Snack time.
-(DINGS)
(WHIRRING)
LOUIS: Huh?
(WHIRRING)
LOUIS: Mm.
(KISSES HAND)
Thank you.
And, for my entertainment pleasure...
(WHIRRING)
ANNOUNCER: It's time for "Gotcha," with host, Lance LeBow.
Tonight, a family at a local café orders the house special and gets...
(SCREAMING)
Good morning!
Hey, Dad.
Come here, give me a kiss.
Hey, Mom, how you doing?
(GASPS)
Mm!
-Is that juice?
Oh, I'd love some.
-Yeah.
(GULPING)
(BELCHES)
Ooh!
(CHUCKLES)
-Yum.
That's good.
-You feeling OK, honey?
Yeah.
I'm great.
Fine.
You know?
Super.
Tiptop.
Never been better.
Do you really think I'm going to let a boy ruin my summer?
Nuh-uh.
You mean you're really over...
uh, whatshisname?
His name is Gil.
Gil.
-Oh.
-Gil.
-OK.
OK.
Here.
No, no, no, no, no.
-STEVE: I'm sorry.
Oh, honey.
You know, this looks like a mother-daughter conversation.
It's OK.
Shh.
BEANS: So, where will I be bunking?
-"Bunking?" -Uh, yeah.
Mom, I actually-- I took a babysitting job so I could get my mind off of...
you know who.
Oh.
Hey, Beans, you know, I'm just watching you for the afternoon.
I don't think my parents will appreciate that.
(SCOFFS)
Why not?
-They're in Helsinki.
-BOTH: Helsinki?
It's in Finland.
Get a globe.
(SNIFFS)
Mm.
Someone had rice pudding.
(SNIFFS)
Uh...
Beansy.
Honey.
(CHUCKLES)
Little guy.
Let's just put this down.
So, Beans...
Now-- now, Beansy, I just-- I just don't think this is a great idea.
So, Beans, really.
How long will your parents be away?
Two weeks.
Three, tops.
Three, tops.
Three?
REN: Um...
-Time to unpack.
-REN: Beans, the guest room is upstairs.
-You think I don't know that?
-What are you doing then?
Beans, you brought your own bacon.
No, I'm holding it for a friend.
Want some?
(GROANS)
Two weeks of Beans, Ma.
Two weeks of Beans.
Three, tops.
TV VOICEOVER: The specialty of the house.
-(ROARING)
-(SCREAMING)
Gotcha.
(LAUGHING)
Bangundy family, we gotcha...
good!
(CHUCKLES)
That's so cold, yet so entertaining.
Yeah, well, I gotta get going, man.
Have a good...
sit.
-LOUIS: All right, man.
-Later.
Later.
See you around.
-Oh, Tawny.
I have a surprise for you.
-(BEEPS)
(WHIRRING)
That's your seat.
Right next to Papa.
Actually, "Papa," I've got to get home.
Uh, all right.
Well, then maybe tomorrow then?
I'll be here all summer.
I'll sit next to Papa.
(CHUCKLES)
(BUZZING)
Mosquitoes.
Beans?
What are you doing?
These things gotta itch your butt.
-Will you please get out of my stuff?
-Oh, don't worry.
They're not for me.
Louis needs more mosquito netting for his chair.
More?
(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
Oh, Ren, come on.
Come on, Ren.
You're letting the skeeters in.
They're really biting this year.
Must be the rain or...
...or something.
Ren, can you say something, 'cause that sick look is really starting to freak me out.
Wait till I get my hands on you.
Do you have any idea...
-Ow!
-(WHIRRING)
-Louis, get me out of this thing.
-Press the red button.
The red button.
Louis.
The other red button, over there.
The other one.
The sundae maker works.
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
-That's it.
I can't believe this.
-(SIREN BLARING)
-I wouldn't do that, Ren.
-(BEEPING)
I-- All right.
REN: Whoa...
Mommy!
(REN GROANING)
(REN SCREAMS)
(PANTING)
Wow, Ren.
Really stuck that landing.
(ENGINE REVS)
-Behind you.
Behind you, Ren!
-Huh?
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
-(REN SCREAMING)
-Hello?
Anybody home?
-(SCREAMING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
LOUIS: My life!
LOUIS: Help me!
-REN: Sir, sir, are you all right?
-Yeah.
-I'm so sorry.
Give me your hand.
-(MAN GRUNTS)
Are you OK?
What's going on out here?
-Ren freaked out and totally lost control.
-What are you talking about?
Me?
Look-- look at me right now.
-Who are you gonna believe?
-He's a weasel.
-Me, your son.
-No, that's not true.
Stop it!
Would the two of you get along for five minutes, please?
-No.
-No way.
STEVE: Come on.
Sir, are you OK?
I'm sorry.
-Yes, I'm fine.
-If there's anything we can do...
Well, actually, you can help me.
I'm trying to find the Stevens family.
-We're the Stevens.
-You must be Steve.
Hi.
Miles McDermott.
-Oh, nice to meet you.
-I have a presentation for you.
Oh, well, Miles, whatever you're selling, we're not really interested.
Thank you.
Oh.
Well, Steve, you know, I'm not really a lawsuit kind of guy, but suddenly my back is feeling a little tight.
Stevens family, you have won an all-expense-paid vacation to the beautiful island paradise of Mandelino.
Try to contain your enthusiasm.
Miles, I have never heard of Mandelino.
Not surprising.
(STEEL-DRUM MUSIC)
VOICEOVER: Mandelino is an uncharted, unspoiled island paradise.
Mandelino is populated by the descendants of island natives and shipwrecked sailors from many nations, making for the unique and varied look of its people.
(ISLAND NATIVES CHEERING)
English is the mother tongue of Mandelino, so there will be no language barrier as you experience the natural beauty and amazing Mandelinian hospitality, never before offered to an outsider.
Mandelino.
Your dream vacation.
Miles, it's all very interesting, but why us?
Well, you're a very influential family here in Sacramento.
You're a state senator.
Your husband works for a prominent law firm.
Actually, I'm between prominent law firms right now.
MILES: I'm sorry to hear that.
At any rate, my company was hired to conduct an extensive search, and you are exactly the family we're looking for for this wonderful opportunity.
Miles, I hate to be a negative Ned, but what's the catch?
There's no catch.
We're just trying to get tourists to come to this island, that's all.
All we ask is that you give us your honest opinion at the end of the trip and allow us to quote you in our brochures.
-And that's it?
-Just sign on the dotted line.
Dad, what are you waiting for?
Uh...
Hold on.
OK, you know this is boring and you just want to go because you broke up with your stupid boyfriend and want to get away.
And you just want to stay here and sit on your stupid chair.
Do they have cable?
Son, the beauty of Mandelino is there is no modern convenience of any kind.
Guys, this sounds kinda cool.
I mean, I can run on the beach, get into football shape...
Donnie, come on!
You can run here and get in shape here.
Please.
You know, Steve, this could be a wonderful family adventure.
It could be everything we've been hoping for.
No, Mom, listen...
Listen, here's an adventure.
You can stay here at home and give me breakfast and do my laundry and that'll be an adventure.
Dad, come on.
Dad, listen.
Dad.
Can somebody put a stop to the madness, please!
Well, I guess it's unanimous.
-We're going to Mandelino.
-Yes!
-Excellent.
-Well, we'd better start packing.
We don't want to forget anything.
-Especially me.
-(GASPS)
MILES: If you look out the right side, you'll see the beautiful island of Mandelino.
-BEANS: Whoa!
-Whoa, whoa!
Not all at once!
(CHEERING)
(CHANTING)
Welcome, Stevens family, welcome, Stevens family...
-Look at all that.
-(CHANTING CONTINUES)
Oh, my God.
Hello.
Hello.
Is this all for us?
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
I think it is.
(YELLS)
I am Tuka, chief elder of Mandelino.
Welcome, Stevens family.
-(CONCH BELLOWS)
-(CHEERING)
-This is very exciting.
-Yes, it is.
Why?
You're about to be presented with the traditional Mandelino hat of friendship.
Hi.
Well...
Ooh.
Thank you.
Ooh.
(EILEEN CHUCKLES)
Thank you.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
-Whoa!
(LAUGHING)
-(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Hey.
All right, Beans.
Come on.
Hey, hey.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES)
Ooh.
Welcome.
I am Mootai.
I'm Ren.
(GIGGLES)
Come on, everyone, and I'll show you where you'll be living.
STEVE: All right.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHEERING)
-STEVE: I could really get used to this.
-(EILEEN GASPS)
It's magnificent!
MILES: Yeah.
It's the palace of Tuka, the chief elder.
They haven't built hotels here on the island yet, so he's allowing you to stay here as his guests.
Can I get one of the front rooms?
I get nauseous if I don't get an ocean view.
-Thank you.
-REN: Wait.
Wait!
REN: Oh, no, no, no...
no.
LOUIS: Whoa.
Wait, wait...
wait, wait.
Why does he get to have the room with the view?
-Oh, this is awesome.
-LOUIS: Yup.
-I see my room.
-Oh, no.
-I called it.
-Oh, no, you don't.
Wait a second, you little worm.
You didn't even want to come here.
It doesn't matter.
I'm just going to have to make the best of it in the royal bedroom.
Hey, hey, be careful, guys.
You don't want to break anything.
Oh, yes.
I do.
Seriously, guys.
The palace holds deep spiritual meaning for the islanders.
Does that mean that it's haunted?
No.
On the contrary, the islanders believe that the palace is a source of good fortune and positive energy.
BEANS: Blah, blah, blah.
Where's the lady with the hugs?
(MILES LAUGHING)
Your island awaits you.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
REN: Ooh!
(REN CHUCKLES)
DONNIE: Great.
I can't-- I can't believe this.
I'm never going back.
(BEANS GIGGLES)
Are-- are you carrying me?
You're not going to carry me.
Who's gonna...?
No, I'm good.
The girls are making the...
Sir.
Sir.
Can you please...?
What a player-hater.
You're hating on me, buddy.
Listen, we can share.
STEVE: Mm.
EILEEN: Mm.
-Hey, man.
-Hello.
You look just like this guy who went to my high school.
What's his name?
-My name is Laylo.
-No, Patrick Green.
My name is Laylo.
-Are you sure, man, because...
-LOUIS: Donnie!
Donnie, look!
(SQUEALS)
-Hey, guys.
-Hey, Donnie.
Donnie!
Having fun?
This place is the best.
But you want to hear something weird?
I swear that one of the natives is this guy that went to my school.
Son, we're on an uncharted island.
The last thing you're gonna do is run into one of your classmates.
(STEVE & MILES LAUGHING)
Have a grape, son.
They're delicious.
(MILES LAUGHING)
MOOTAI: Ren.
Hey, Mootai.
Can I serve you in any way?
No.
Everyone on the island has been great.
So you're having a pleasurable time on our island?
Yes.
Completely.
Yet in your eyes there is so much sadness.
Yeah, I was sorta just thinking about something.
You should think of something else.
Something wonderful.
Like what?
The smell of the ocean.
The beauty of a flower.
The light from your smile.
You see?
Your sadness is gone.
(CONCH HORN BLARING)
REN: What was that?
Your family is being summoned for a great honor.
CHIEF TUKA: Come feast on this island delicacy.
Thank you so much for this delicious-looking worm.
Actually, it's a slug.
It's an island delicacy.
Are we really supposed to eat this?
Guys, the elders will be deeply offended if you refuse their offering.
(ENCOURAGING NOISES)
Well, I suppose it's the least we can do.
Go, go.
(LAUGHS)
(CROWD CHATTER)
(GAGS)
That's good slug.
(CROWD CHATTER CONTINUES)
Mm.
Having trouble getting it down, huh?
I, uh...
I generally try to avoid snacks that leave a trail of slime.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, so does Tuka.
I happen to know for a fact that he has some American munchies hidden in the palace pantry.
-Word?
-Word.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Excuse me, I have to use the facilities.
(INDISTINCT CROWD CHATTER)
-Ren, hold my slug.
-Louis.
EILEEN: Where's he going?
(ENCOURAGING)
If you're not going to finish that...
Ew.
Pantry...
Pantry...
(GASPS)
(GROANS)
(GROANING)
(GASPS)
"Forbidden chamber of mystery." "Do not open." (LAUGHS)
Yeah, right.
Now, that's a chair.
(LAUGHS)
(AMAZED WHISTLING)
I know where I'm spending this vacation.
(VOCALIZED SIGH)
Footrest?
Nice touch.
No, no, not just a footrest!
LOUIS: Hey!
Hey!
(LOUIS SCREAMING)
(SQUEALS)
(WHIMPERS)
(BIRD SCREECHES)
(LOUIS INCOHERENTLY MUMBLING)
(ANGRY SHOUTING)
C-corn Snacky?
-Louis!
What have you done?
-Louis, what happened?
I thought it was a footrest!
I didn't know it was a house collapser!
It appears your son sat on the forbidden throne, destroyed the sacred royal residence and put a curse on the entire village.
You don't really believe in all that, do you?
I don't, but they do.
(WAILING)
EILEEN: Uh...
Uh, oh!
People!
Good people of Mandelino.
Mandelino good people.
-Very good people...
-This-- this was just an accident.
(WAILING)
Maybe there's some insurance policy for sacred dwellings or something.
Listen, I think the less you say now, the better.
Right.
Louis, how could you total our house?
It totaled itself.
I swear that's what happened!
Yeah, congratulations, Louis, you did it again.
Everything that's nice and decent, you just end up ruining.
Well, at least now everyone has an ocean view, huh?
(INCOHERENT ARGUING)
People, people, people!
Listen, listen!
I think the thing for you to do right now is to get away from this area immediately.
(WAILING)
-What about our luggage?
-Well, officially it's cursed, so touching it would just make things worse.
(SIGHS)
And where are we supposed to live?
Well, I guess you could put together a little lean-to from this.
STEVE: Lean-to?
-We're supposed to be living in a palace.
-Well, obviously that's not an option.
It's getting dark.
You guys should get started.
Wait a minute.
Where are you sleeping?
Well, I have a small hut provided by the islanders.
Only sleeps one...
comfortably.
(CHUCKLES)
Don't worry, I'll check in on you later to see if you survive.
Survive?
All right.
Let's not panic.
Come on.
We've got a lot of work to do.
Let's pitch in.
STEVE: Get this thing up.
That's it.
Come on.
-(SIGHS)
You know...
-STEVE: Put these together...
this is your fault.
Ren, can we not talk about this?
It was an accident, I'm sorry.
You know, you shouldn't have even been in there, Louis.
Well, Ren, I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you.
-I am not perfect.
-Really?
Ren, let's look at this.
You have perfect grades.
You have perfect behavior.
You have a perfect life.
You don't know what's going on in my life.
So you had a little boyfriend trouble.
Boohoo, Ren.
Life goes on.
You know what?
I do not want to talk about Gil.
And if you were smart, you'd shut your mouth.
-Well, what if I wasn't smart?
-Hey.
Stop it, guys.
We've got enough to deal with without you two being at each other's throats, OK?
You know what?
Louis, you and Donnie and I will go find some firewood, and Ren, you and Beans will stay with Dad and help start the shelter.
-I'd rather eat.
You got any more slugs?
-Hey, Beans, we're all hungry.
If we find some food, we'll pick it up and bring it back.
(DONNIE GRUNTS)
Donnie.
Can you do me a favor, Donnie?
Could you scratch my nose, please?
Can you scratch my nose?
Donnie?
Ah.
Ah.
Keep it still.
I'll get it.
(SCREAMS)
EILEEN: Who?
What?
Good news, everyone.
The tribal elders are meeting right now.
And if you go before them and make a sincere, heartfelt apology, I'm sure everything is going to be fine.
EILEEN: Oh!
-Thank goodness.
I'll go tell the others.
-No, no, I'm sorry.
Mandelino tradition states that all apologies must be made in groups of three.
Groups of three.
Groups of three.
(DRUM MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHIEF TUKA CRIES OUT)
Let the boy speak.
Go ahead, Donnie.
You're stronger than I am.
-OK.
OK.
Hold on, hold on.
-Get up there.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Speak to fire god.
-What?
Oh, the big head?
-(NATIVES GASP AUDIBLY)
-The big sacred head.
-ALL: Oh.
The Sacred head.
Uh...
Yeah, well...
Uh, um...
I'm really sorry about the whole collapsing palace deal and I promise I'll never destroy another palace again.
LOUIS: Uh...
Yeah.
God of fire will consider your apology.
But first, we feast!
(YELLS)
It just doesn't seem right, eating without the rest of the family.
I understand, but it's your only chance for forgiveness.
See, Mom, we're not eating for ourselves, we're eating for forgiveness.
-It's the right thing to do.
-(CHEERING)
(GROANS)
You want to order a pizza?
Put a lid on it, Beans.
We're all hungry.
You know, I'm going to go see what's taking them so long.
Don't stray too far, honey.
Want to go skinny-dipping?
REN: Mom!
Donnie!
Louis?
Come on, where are you guys?
You were supposed to be back two...
(SCREAMS)
(HISSES)
-Thank you.
That was so brave.
-Not so much.
You make face uglier than his, he runs away.
-Now you're OK?
-No.
My brother knocked down our house, I'm tired and I'm hungry and...
Please.
-For you.
-What's this?
It is every shell you walked on when you first arrived on our island.
There.
From my heart.
Um...
Mootai, I'm not ready for this.
Then I will wait.
How can everything be so horrible and so wonderful all at the same time?
Your troubles may soon be over.
Your mother and brothers are feasting with the elders right now.
Feasting?
It is like eating, but with bigger plates.
I know.
I thought they just went out there to get wood.
Come, see with your eyes.
Can you hurry it up?
I'm getting cold.
Beans, you can't rush these things.
Making fire is a delicate art.
Excuses, excuses.
Whoa!
I made fire!
I made fire!
(LAUGHS)
(SNEEZES)
Beans!
(CHEERING)
How could they pig out like that when we're starving?
Your brother eats without chewing.
-(MUMBLES)
You want some?
-I'm going in.
Bad idea.
To interrupt a tribal feast is unforgivable.
-Isn't that right, Mootai?
-Unforgivable, yes.
REN: I don't understand.
Why didn't they come and get us?
When I mentioned it to your family, someone said, "More for us." Now, who said that?
(SCOFFS)
Why am I asking?
It was Louis.
(ALL CELEBRATING)
I mean, I can understand Louis selling us out, but Mom and Donnie?
Now, why would they go along with it?
It just doesn't make sense.
Boy.
You think you know a person.
Hey.
Looks like you got a little action there, Smoky.
No.
Stay away from the fire.
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, Oprah.
-"Oprah?" -It's a coincidence.
Mighty goddess of fire.
The Stevens family have apologized.
They have feasted with us.
Are they now worthy of forgiveness?
LOUIS: What are they doing?
EILEEN: Hm?
Oh.
(ROARING)
-Is that good?
-Does it look good?
Well, they've made their decision.
You're going to be shunned.
Yes!
No, son.
"Shunned" is bad.
You've been deemed unworthy for forgiveness.
No one on the island can have anything to do with you.
Why don't they just tell us to our faces?
-Because then they'd have to k*ll you.
-(EILEEN GASPS)
-Right.
Well, unworthy's good for me.
-Yeah, it's good.
Miles, I want my family out of here on the next plane.
Absolutely.
Seven days from now, you'll all be heading home.
-What?
-EILEEN: Seven days?
That's the next plane.
No.
-Hey.
-EILEEN: Look!
Honey, you built a shelter and you made a fire.
(SNIFFS)
They smell like pork.
-(DONNIE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
-So...
How was your feast?
What feast?
Don't give me that.
I saw it with my own eyes and it wasn't pretty.
You've got a little something on your cheek.
-No.
-OK.
OK.
I wanted to bring everyone, but they said there was a rule about groups of three.
Really?
How convenient.
Hey, Dad.
We only ate all the food so we could be forgiven by Oprah.
I see.
And did Oprah forgive us?
Almost.
There's a little thing about being shunned.
I know that sounds great, but it's not.
So we did all the work and they get all the food.
That seems fair.
Do you think we would sell you out for a dinner?
-And flaming dessert?
-(EILEEN GROANS)
-I find this completely insulting.
-Insulting?
You weren't even gonna tell us about it.
Because I didn't want you to feel bad.
You know, my group ate, yours didn't.
Why would I feel bad?
I've provided plenty of food for this family over the years.
Steve, who says you haven't?
(BELCHES)
(THUNDER)
Great.
Just what we need.
It's raining.
Well, at least I was able to put a roof over our heads.
(THUNDER CRACKLES)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
OK.
Miles, on-air commentary in five, four, three, two...
Quite a first day for our unsuspecting vacationers.
They still have no idea that they're on TV, that all of the natives are actors, and that everything that is happening to them is completely controlled by our crew.
Luckily, we know a lot more about them than they know about us, thanks to a little help from their friends.
I think I made a terrible mistake.
I cannot believe you set them up for this.
Our secret source tipped us off that Louis, the irrepressible little brother, could never pass up a "keep out" sign, let alone a comfortable chair.
You told them that?
What else did you tell them?
-Everything.
-Oh, nice work.
-I thought it'd be fun.
-Does it look like they're having fun?
Beans, hold me.
Let's pump up the rain a little, fellas.
-Cue thunder.
-Cue thunder.
(THUNDERCLAP)
(INHALES)
(WAILS)
I wanna go home!
I'm sure you do.
But we have a few more surprises in store for you.
Tune in every day to see if the Stevens family can survive a week in paradise.
-Poor Ren, how humiliating.
-Well, maybe nobody's watching it.
-(LAUGHING)
-MILES: This summer's most outrageous new reality show, "Family Fakeout." I'm your host, Miles McDermott, saying isn't life funny when it's not happening to you?
(CHUCKLES)
Good night.
Yes!
Brilliant!
I love it, I love it!
Come on, guys.
They're miserable, OK?
It's hilarious, right?
(LAUGHS)
Come on!
(WHIRRING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Yo, Patrick.
Heard you had a close call with that Donnie kid, huh?
Man, I graduated three years ago.
I can't believe the kid still remembers me.
Forget about it.
-MAN: Great show, Miles.
-WOMAN: Excellent show.
-Better than Gotcha?
-WOMAN: Oh, no doubt.
Family Fakeout is the best reality show on TV.
Are you just saying that because your job depends on it?
No!
Of course not.
You are a ten times better host than that Lance LeBow.
You know, when I was the producer of Gotcha, I hired Lance LeBow.
-How does he repay me?
-MAN: He got you fired.
WOMAN: That ingrate.
Don't worry, Miles, when the ratings come out, you'll be on top.
Yeah, I'd better be, or heads are gonna roll.
Now, what do we have for tomorrow?
Right there.
MAN 2: Hey, Patrick!
Close call!
Patrick Green.
We need to talk.
Look, I'm sorry that Donnie recognized me.
From now on, I'll keep a low profile, that's what I'll do.
-I have a better idea.
You're fired.
-What?
Wait.
I just thought of something.
According to our research, Donnie's not exactly the Einstein of the family.
We could have some fun with this.
You're rehired.
What do you think, Miles?
(CHUCKLES)
It's adorable.
Fix it.
-MILES: I hate "adorable." -(IMITATING)
"Fix it." And now it's time for America's favorite new reality show, "Family Fakeout," with your host, Miles McDermott.
Hi, that's me.
I'm Miles McDermott.
Welcome to Family Fakeout.
Thank you for joining us for our morning edition.
The Stevens family is just waking up.
Yesterday, we knocked down their house, deprived them of all modern conveniences and gave them a good soaking to boot.
Let's see how far we can push this family today before they cr*ck.
(LOUD FART)
LOUIS: Oh, mother of pearl, Beans.
Mother of pearl!
-LOUIS: Oh, wow!
-Sorry.
I'm a little gassy in the morning.
EILEEN: What was your excuse on the plane?
All right, Eileen, this time you and the boys take care of the fire.
I'll take Ren and Beans and find us some food.
EILEEN: Good luck.
I don't need luck to find food for my family.
-EILEEN: OK.
-(CHUCKLES)
Looks like Steve's a little sensitive this morning.
According to our research, he's been out of work for quite a while.
Maybe the fact that Eileen's been bringing home the bacon is finally starting to get to him.
I'll see if I can help.
(BIRD SCREECHES)
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
(GOAT BLEATS)
(GASPS)
Oh, Daddy, we're not gonna k*ll that cute little squirrel, are we?
That's not cute.
That's breakfast.
(ROARS)
(ALL SCREAM)
Is something wrong?
OK.
We're tired, we're hungry and we just got att*cked by a k*ller squirrel!
Don't worry, guys.
I've arranged for an emergency food drop.
That should get you through the week.
-Oh!
Thanks, Miles.
-(PLANE ROARS OVERHEAD)
There it is now.
Hey, hey, hey!
We're over here.
We're over here!
We're over here!
Hey!
-(REN SQUEALS)
-STEVE: No!
Sorry.
The wind must've blown it off course.
Hey.
-The wind's blowing the other way.
-Nice little weatherman you got there.
Looks like you folks have some mountain climbing to do.
Miles, this isn't exactly familiar territory.
Well, I would ask the islanders to help you guys, but whenever I mention your names they shake with anger.
Come on, you guys can do it.
Just follow these red trail markers.
All right.
I should let Eileen know.
Come on, Steve.
Do you really need your wife's help to bring home the bacon?
Bacon?
Mm.
It's just an expression, Beans.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I got an expression for you, buddy.
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
OK.
Let's go, people.
We've got a family to feed.
(LAUGHING)
(WHIRRING)
All right, got it.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER Donnie's alone.
Cue Laylo.
(ANIMAL SCREECHING)
Hey, Donnie.
What are you staring at, man?
You know, you're gonna be late for class.
You are Patrick Green.
What are you doing here?
Don't tell anyone.
I'm cutting English.
-(LAUGHING)
-(STAMMERS)
Wait.
Hold on.
(GRUNTS)
Now the fire is going down.
Where-- Where is Donnie with that wood?
Hey, Mom?
You know I didn't mean to knock the house down on purpose, right?
Yeah, I know, Louis.
Still mad at me?
You know, I think it might be better if we just never mention it again.
-I hear you.
-Guys!
Guys!
Guys!
That native that looked like Patrick Green?
It was Patrick Green.
-LOUIS: What are you talking about?
-I just saw him!
Well, now, honey, honey, just because someone slightly resembles someone else...
He was wearing a school sweater.
He was cutting English.
Donnie, this is ridiculous.
Why is everything that I do in this family so ridiculous?
If anyone else said it, you'd believe them.
Honey, you're hungry, you've been in the sun.
Donnie, relax.
I mean, this morning I thought I saw a cheeseburger doing yoga.
-I know what I saw.
-Hey, folks.
-Miles.
-Yes?
I heard a plane before.
You told me that there's not gonna be another plane here for a week.
It didn't land.
I arranged a food drop for you, but it missed the beach and landed in the mountain.
Whatever.
Miles, can you sneak us a meal or something?
Do you realize how much I'm risking just by talking to you?
-How do we get the food?
-You go to the big rock on the beach, head into the woods and then follow the blue trail markers.
Wait, wait, guys.
I think we should wait for Dad and the others.
-No actually, they already went up there.
-Without telling us?
Well, they did mention something about you having had enough food last night.
Oh, OK, I get it.
It's payback.
I tell you what, you have one lousy feast and it's all up in flames!
This'll come in handy.
(LAUGHING)
LOUIS: Food!
(GIGGLING)
-DONNIE: Guys, they got here first -LOUIS: No!
and ate everything!
(LOUIS GROANS)
I hate payback.
Now it's on.
STEVE: There it is!
Food!
-It's empty!
-BEANS: Somebody ate it all.
(GROANS)
Oh, yeah?
I'll give you one guess.
Come on.
(WHIRRING)
Sneaky us.
Two trails, two empty crates and two hungry teams each thinking the other betrayed them.
-You gotta love it.
-I think it's disgraceful.
(SCREAMING)
I hate this.
I can't believe I sold them out.
You-- I told you, you can't drown your guilt in syrup.
You're right.
You're right.
(COACH CHUCKLING)
Hey.
Is this the greatest show of all time or what?
Ooh, Twitty.
You gonna finish those?
Yeah.
(GULPS)
Anyway, it's nice to see that for once the joke's on Louis Stevens.
It's too bad the whole family has to go down with him.
(SIGHS)
Twitty, you look like you're full.
I'll finish those for you.
-Come on, bring 'em up.
-Take them.
Just...
(GIGGLES)
(GULPS)
And the best part is, those lunkheads think they're halfway around the world.
What did you say?
(GULPS)
I said they think they're halfway around the world.
-Where are they?
-Catalona.
Just a couple of miles off the coast.
They flew around in circles for hours to fool them.
How do you know that?
Mm...
(GULPS)
I went on one of these things called a website.
They got all the inside stuff.
Catalona?
We're so close?
If we could just get there we could tell them what's going on.
All we really need is a boat, right?
-TWITTY: Tom?
-Ahoy, mateys.
What brings you landlubbers down to the salty brine?
-Speak English, please.
-Oh, excuse me.
Whassup?
Tom, have you been watching Family Fakeout?
I have, and I must say that I'm appalled as a sailor and a human being to see a family that we know and love being tortured like that.
Although, I did love that frisky squirrel!
-(LAUGHING)
-Oh, yeah?
Me too.
(AUDIBLY SIGHS)
Well, it's all our fault.
All...
my fault.
I set them up.
I'm doubly appalled.
You could help us, Tom, and you could help Louis.
Well, Louis is my friend.
When it suits him.
And I can accept that.
What can I do?
Can you sail this tub to Catalona?
Welcome aboard.
Welcome to Family Fakeout prime time.
This afternoon we wanted to see how far we could push our family until they finally cracked.
For the answer, let's take a look at what our hidden camera saw.
DONNIE: How could you steal all our food?
As usual, Donnie, you have everything backwards.
Are you calling me stupid?
No.
I am calling you a liar.
You guys had to get back at us, huh?
Thank you.
But we got the evidence.
How do you explain this, Louis?
You stole my food and my shirt?
-Gimme that, you little worm-eating...
-Don't you talk to him like that.
What, is Beansy your little boyfriend now, Ren?
You do not have a right to talk.
You cause all the trouble and you eat all the food.
OK.
Enough.
Enough, kids.
Stop.
You kids shouldn't fight just because your father's trying to teach me a lesson.
And what would that be?
Look, Steve, I know that you are upset since you've been out of work and that you are trying to prove to Ren and Beans -that you can put food in their mouths.
-What?
But couldn't you leave a little something for us?
Don't twist this around.
There wasn't a crumb of food left when we got up there.
It's almost like you're trying to make me look bad.
-Now you are losing it.
-Don't tell me I'm losing it!
Don't you yell at me in front of my family.
It's my family too!
Hold on, hold on.
Mom, we don't need them.
We don't need them.
We'll be fine on our own, thank you.
Oh, really?
Well you can sleep out in the rain tonight.
We can and we will!
-Ha.
-Ha.
-Fine.
-Ha!
(ALL YELLING)
Ha!
Looks like things are getting personal and interesting.
Speaking of which, let's catch up with our hot young couple, Ren and Mootai.
Ren, known back home for her boyfriend troubles, is having a little better luck here on the island.
Ren.
Mootai.
-The elders have forbidden me to see you.
-Then you should leave.
-I can't.
-Why not?
Because no matter what they will do to me, to be away from you would be worse.
Mootai.
Everything is falling apart.
You're the only good thing that's happened to me since I've been on this island.
I would very much like to kiss you now.
What do you think?
Will Ren let Mootai kiss her?
Don't do it, Ren.
He's just an actor.
Oh, but he's so cute!
Yes, yes, yes!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I would very much like to kiss you too.
But I'm just not ready.
I'm so sorry.
Whoa.
There's a surprise.
But the week is still young.
Our family may be splitting up, but Ren and Mootai are definitely heating up.
♪ Blow the man down, matey Blow the man down ♪ Hey, ho, we'll blow the man down Tom!
Tom.
It's gonna get dark and I'm getting seasick.
So I want a little less singing and a little more sailing.
OK?
Well, excuse me, Benedict Twitty.
Maybe if you don't like a good sea chantey, you can just take a bus to Catalona.
Oh, I see something!
Land ho!
-I've always wanted to say that.
-So take us in.
Well, with those rocks and those waves, it looks treacherous.
So I guess this is your stop.
But how do we get on the island?
You can just hop on my dinghy.
-MAN: Jason!
Way to go, man.
All right!
-(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
-Thanks.
-Good job, man.
-Nice scene today, kid.
-Thanks, Miles.
Almost looked like you liked her.
Well, I do.
I mean, my character likes her.
-Miles, the ratings are in.
-All right, let me hear it.
We b*at Gotcha by one point.
That's beautiful.
But not quite satisfying enough.
I want to bury them.
-Tomorrow you gotta get that kiss.
-I think it could happen.
And then after you kiss her, dump her.
OK, we're almost there.
I think that's the worst.
(BOTH SCREAM)
It's OK.
I can swim from here.
I'll see you on shore.
Alan?
Twitty?
Alan, where are you?
Twitty?
(BRANCH SNAPS)
Ooh.
Tawny!
Tawny!
Tawny!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, let go!
What do you guys think you're...?
Hey, let go!
Hey!
OK.
I'll tell you guys again.
I've never met the Stevens family, OK?
My name is Lawrence Honeytoast, I'm a marine biologist and I'm here on top-secret government business.
So, if you'll just let me go...
Wait a minute.
You're that Twitty kid who turned us onto the Stevens family.
Hey, you lied to me, man.
You said this show was fun and it's not.
It's cruel.
So all that stuff I told you about?
You can't use it anymore.
I see.
Crate him.
Crate me?
I don't-- I don't think I..
(TWITTY GRUNTS)
Guys!
Guys, he said "crate" me.
This is a trailer.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
Welcome to Family Fakeout.
When we left the Stevens, they had split into two angry factions.
I have a feeling today things can only get worse.
(LOUIS GROANS)
-That wasn't so bad, huh?
-Ah...
-We slept on dirt.
-Yeah.
So?
What's for breakfast?
Same as yesterday.
A big skillet full of nothing.
Stop being so negative all the time.
Wait a second.
(BOTH GASP)
-A peanut!
-Let's divide it.
Hold on, hold on.
OK.
OK.
-Careful, Mom.
-I know.
Mom, can I get the little stubby tail right there?
You'll get what she gives you.
It's my peanut and you don't even like the tail, so stop!
Stop it.
We will each get a third and then we will save the stubby little tail for dessert.
Fine.
Whatever.
Let's just eat it.
Oh!
Oh!
Little breakfast-nabbing...
I want my peanut!
Dad?
Dad, wake up.
-Ren, what is it?
-The fire's out.
That's impossible.
I was stoking it all night.
Morning, everyone.
Hey, Beans, you know what happened to this fire?
Let's see.
I woke up and I had to go to the bathroom...
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that is gross.
-Well, I hope you're satisfied, Ren.
-Me?
What did I do?
You brought the kid along.
On a lousy vacation that you forced us to go on.
Hold on.
You couldn't wait to get out of town after whatshisname broke up with you.
Ren, I'm sorry.
-I hate this family.
-Ren.
Steve, wait.
She probably just needs some time.
You're probably right.
What?
Mootai.
Ren.
I wanna go home.
All I can say is one day very soon you will be home with your family and it will seem as though none of this was real.
-What's he saying?
-I don't know.
No.
The only thing I want to be real is you.
OK.
That's better.
That's better.
I wish that we were the only ones on this island.
That nothing else existed.
That is how I feel when I am with you.
The other day...
it's-- it's not that I didn't want to kiss you.
I just don't want to get hurt again.
I do not want to hurt you.
I believe you.
(ALL GASPING)
Aw.
Bunch of saps.
Their love is so pure.
(SOBBING)
That is so beautiful.
Gee, maybe you forgot...
it's not real.
Who cares?
It's so romantic.
I can't do this.
-What's wrong?
-I'm supposed to break up with you.
I was afraid of this.
Code red.
Code red.
Get Tuka in there and get Mootai out.
-Look, you need to know.
-CHIEF TUKA: Ah!
Mootai!
Mootai!
-This is forbidden.
-Ren.
(MEN GRUNTING)
Mootai.
Get him out of here.
-Quick, quick.
-Why are you doing this?
Mootai!
Why can't you just leave us alone?
-Blame it on her brother Louis.
-This is Louis' fault.
What?
What does he have to do with this?
Uh...
That is good question.
Just say Louis told you they were meeting.
He's to blame for everything.
Your brother told us about your secret meetings with Mootai.
He is to blame for all your unhappiness.
Louis!
Louis.
(FEEDBACK)
(PATRICK LAUGHING)
Dude, I got this Donnie cat totally freaked out.
He don't know whether he's going or coming.
(LAUGHS)
-Um hm.
-Dude, dude, take it easy.
This stuff's gonna be here all day, OK?
All day.
(LAUGHS)
It is?
Sweet.
Looks like Ren has picked up the trail.
LOUIS: There you are, little squirrel.
Just give Daddy back his peanut, all right?
Oh!
Not in the trees!
This is gonna be sweet.
I'll show you sweet.
Hey.
What's going on?
-She was just getting ready to nail him.
-Everything's dead.
Now that's sweet.
(PEOPLE GROANING)
-Oh, man.
It was just getting good.
-(TV BEEPS)
TV VOICEOVER: Please stand by.
Hi, Cynthia Mills here.
What could be more festive for the holidays than your own...
-Rip-off.
-...hand-painted Easter eggs?
(CHANTING)
Rip-off!
Rip-off!
Rip-off!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Get us back on the air.
-Miles?
It's the Twitty kid.
-He's missing.
I bet he has something to do with this.
You find him.
-Great idea!
-You always know exactly what to do.
Go!
(COMMOTION)
-MILES: I didn't have any sound anywhere -MAN: I'll get it back!
MAN #2: I can't hear anything!
MILES: Get somebody on that satellite now, I tell you, now.
MAN #3: Hey!
Where's my costume?
(BOTH SCREAM)
Truce?
-(SQUIRREL SNARLS)
-(DONNIE SCREAMS)
Squirrel!
Crazy squirrel!
(DONNIE SCREAMING)
-Donnie?
-Tawny?
What are you doing here?
No, no, no.
Not again.
Not again.
Okay, uh, uh...
You're not cutting class, right?
I don't know.
I have this horrible headache and I don't know how I got here.
-OK.
You're coming with me.
-Why?
So this time people will believe me.
I guess I'm just overly sensitive about this whole job.
Well, the fact that we're starving on an island in the middle of nowhere, that could have something to do with it.
You know, this couldn't have been a worse vacation if somebody'd planned it this way.
(BELL DINGS)
STEVE: So Miles gave you the impression we wanted all the food?
Yes, and when we got there everything was empty.
Same with us.
So what happened to it?
BEANS: There was never any food.
I would've smelt it.
STEVE: You know what?
I think he would've.
(Eileen)
You think Miles knew?
I don't know.
It seemed like he was always trying to help us.
Yeah, but every time he tried to help us, things got worse.
-OK.
How do you explain this?
-EILEEN: Tawny!
-What are you doing here?
-I don't know.
That's why I'm asking.
How do you explain this?
-There was something I had to tell Louis.
-Where's Louis?
-STEVE: And Ren?
-Hey, guys.
Look what I found.
-I thought this island didn't get cable.
-That's what Miles said.
STEVE: Miles said a lot of things.
Wait, Miles McDermott?
How do you know Miles McDermott?
It's all coming back to me.
Um...
He's on television...
The host of Family Fakeout.
Never heard of it.
You haven't?
It's the hottest new show.
Everybody watches it.
-We don't.
-You don't?
Of course not.
Because you're on it right now.
(WHISPERS)
There are cameras watching you everywhere you go.
It makes sense now.
It was all a setup.
OK, everybody watching out there, I knew about it all along.
Miles?
Miles?
This is not funny.
This is cruel and humiliating.
OK.
Joke's over.
You can come out and have a good laugh now.
(LAUGHING)
-Not you.
-OK.
Where is everybody?
How long does it take to reconnect a few lousy cable wires?
You're fired!
You're fired!
You're fired!
You're fired!
You're all fired!
Who are you?
You're fired!
Fired!
Fired!
TAWNY: There is no Mandelino.
You guys are on Catalona.
STEVE: That's right off the coast.
I feel like such a jerk.
DONNIE: Now you know how I felt when I told you about Patrick Green.
You're so right, son.
I'm sorry.
If we would have believed you, we would have saved all this trouble.
BEANS: Hey, guys.
Over there.
STEVE: I bet he knows where Miles is.
Don't let him get away, Donnie.
Hey!
You with the skirt.
(DONNIE YELLS)
-Where is he?
-Where's who?
Twitty?
I'm really sorry.
Do you guys hate me?
Alan, we could never hate you.
-EILEEN: What did you do?
-Nothing.
Just came by to help.
After I sold you guys out.
What, you're saying you know we're on TV?
Actually, right now you're not.
TWITTY: They should be off the air for a little while.
I did some serious scrambling down there.
Well, that's good, because as embarrassing as this was for us, we still have a chance to show them that they didn't win.
That this is a family that sticks together.
-That's right.
-So you forgive me?
I didn't say that.
Twitty, what was the last thing people saw on TV?
You were scratching yourself with a stick for a long time.
-What else?
-Beans was smelling a beetle.
Oh...
And Ren was trying to k*ll Louis.
What?
So are we gonna get these suckers or what?
Oh, we're gonna get 'em, but first we gotta get to Ren and Louis.
Come on!
MILES: I want to know who was guarding that Twitty kid and how he got into the video truck.
(KEITH)
We got picture, we can go back on the air.
All right, people.
Let's go, let's go.
You don't have any people.
You fired everyone.
All right, you're rehired, you're rehired, you're rehired.
Let's go, people.
If there's any justice in this world, Ren hasn't caught up with Louis yet.
Come on, let's go.
Get them on camera.
Frankly, I prefer the wonderful jewel tones.
Now, your egg will want to have a pair of little bunny ears.
Oh.
And now you can hear me say how cute you are.
Hey, we're back.
Sorry for the technical difficulties, but that's what makes a live show so exciting.
-What about the bunny ears?
-Coach!
I mean, thank goodness that's over.
Before our break, Louis was hunting a squirrel and Ren was hunting Louis.
-Keith, where are those kids?
-I don't know.
Well, this might be a good time to examine the natural beauty of the island.
-The flowers, the trees...
-We found them.
Later for nature, let's get back to the action.
Oh, Louis, I know you're out there.
Looks like Ren is ticked off.
I wouldn't want to be Louis right now.
-Ren has totally lost it.
-No, not Ren.
She's always in control.
(w*r CRY)
Wow.
There's a lot of rage there.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Little squirrel meat...
I just want a little squirrel meat...
Just a leg or thigh.
You can keep all your arms.
(MUMBLING)
Hey, Ren.
I really liked Mootai.
But you just couldn't stand to see me happy.
-Ren, what are you talking about?
-You ruined my life.
When?
The day you were born.
Ren.
Uh, Ren, your shoe's on fire.
Huh?
(LOUIS SQUEALS)
You can run, but you can't hide.
(w*r CRY)
You go, girl.
That's right.
-(w*r CRY)
-(SQUEALING)
Ren.
Miles, what if she hurts him?
We're responsible for these people.
Relax, OK?
She's not gonna hurt him.
I'm gonna hurt you, Louis.
(w*r CRY ECHOES)
This is it, Louis.
There's nowhere left to run.
(HISSES)
This is better than wrestling.
OK, Ren, stop.
Stop.
Stop, stop, stop.
Oh, I can't tell you how long I've waited for this day.
Wait a little bit longer, please.
(TIRES SCREECH)
Hey!
Kids!
Great news!
I just spoke to the tribal elders.
They've decided to forgive your family.
You hear that, Ren?
See?
Everything's great now.
Great news.
Thank you.
-See?
All's well that ends well, right?
-The only thing that's gonna end is you.
OK.
Ren, you know I'm afraid of heights.
And spears.
Ren!
Louis!
We've been looking all over for you.
-Ren!
What are you doing?
-I'm about to solve the Louis problem.
MILES: I'm glad you're here.
Ren's a little upset.
This is the perfect time to tell you that you're on the new reality show called Family Fakeout.
Yeah, that's a nice try, Miles, but it's too late.
We're a million miles from nowhere and if one of us disappeared, nobody would know!
-I'd know.
-Ren!
Miles is telling the truth, it's just a silly TV show.
-I don't believe you!
-DONNIE: Ren, listen, please.
We just found out.
We've been trying to find you guys to tell you.
You know what, I know what you're doing.
You're trying to protect Louis.
You're always trying to protect Louis.
Well, you know what?
I can't take it anymore!
(SHRIEKS)
No, Ren!
(ALL SCREAMING)
-Oh!
-Oh!
(SHRIEKS)
No!
My baby.
Miles, this is all your fault!
(SOBS)
I'm so sorry.
It wasn't supposed to end this way.
Nobody was supposed to get hurt.
(CHUCKLES)
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Miles McDermott, this is Lance LeBow and I just dropped in to say, "Gotcha," on your own show!
-Yeah!
-(ALL LAUGHING)
But...
Louis...
Hey, Miles!
Hey!
(SHRIEKING)
Yes!
(STEVENS FAMILY CHEERING)
-STEVE: Attaboy, Louis.
-How did...?
Yeah!
Well, I jumped into a big old net, just like we planned it.
Good catch, guys.
Hey, very convincing, sis.
I had a lot of practice, bro.
Gotcha.
Whoo!
-I gotta admit, that was pretty cool.
-Aw, they didn't fool me for one second.
OK, I think we've had enough fun for one day.
Why don't we get back to that Easter thing that we were having so much fun with?
Or you can flip the channel and watch us live on "Gotcha." A little bunny tail for its little bunny bun.
Oh!
And it can also be used as a powder puff.
For those of you who are just tuning in, let's hear about how we made a total fool of my old friend Miles on his own show.
Is this really necessary?
It's necessary.
You see, Miles, we may argue sometimes, but it takes more than a cheesy TV show to rip this family apart.
-Yeah.
Right on.
-Yeah!
Yeah, we figured out everything, Miles.
Except the fire god.
I mean, how'd you get Oprah to turn against us?
It's OK, sweetheart, we're gonna get you some nourishment real soon.
(CHUCKLES)
You know, we put this prank together in a matter of just a couple of hours, thanks to family friends Alan Twitty and Tawny Dean.
Now, what prompted you two to call Gotcha with this great prank?
Guilt and shame.
I would just like to say that embarrassing innocent people on TV for fun and profit is one of the lowest...
-OK, OK.
-Will you let me speak?
Thank you, kids.
Okay.
Now, Miles.
I bet you're wondering, how did the Stevens family turn the tables on you?
No, not really.
I've got to get back to the studio.
(CHUCKLES)
-What for?
Your career's over.
-That's true.
You see, people, when we found Ren, she had Louis trapped in a tree, convinced he was the cause of everything that went bad on this island.
When we told the kids it was a setup, they put aside their differences and we all came up with this little charade.
Hey, Lance, get a sh*t of those little scamps, will you?
-Aren't they lovable?
They're adorable.
-Stop, Louis.
Look.
-Can I go now?
-DONNIE: Sure.
I'll give you a three-second head start.
(CHUCKLES)
Remember, folks, watch us next week on...
ALL: Gotcha!
Get him!
Get him!
(SCREAMING)
Hey, Ren.
-Plane's here.
Ready to go?
-Uh...
Yeah, I guess so.
-You OK?
-Sure.
-OK.
-Yeah.
Look, I'm really sorry about blaming you for everything.
Ren.
Look, I'm your brother.
I love messing with you.
But I would never do anything to hurt you.
-I know.
-OK.
-Hey, we made a pretty good team though.
-We made an awesome team.
The all-stars.
We had Miles crying like a baby.
Well, it's going to be the highlight of my summer.
Well, summer's not over.
Might meet a nice guy or something?
Huh?
No.
I'm not having that much luck in that department.
Well, forget about luck.
What about Jason?
-Who?
-Jason.
No?
Jason!
LOUIS: He's a nice guy.
Handle your business, all right?
Talk to him.
Later.
(THUD)
(REN SIGHS)
-Ren, I am so sorry about all this.
-I know.
It's OK.
You're an actor, you know?
It's your job.
You were doing your job.
And you tried to warn me.
The thing is, I wasn't acting.
What does that mean?
I really care about you.
STEVE: Ren!
We're leaving.
-I gotta go.
-Can I see you again?
You can consider that a "yes." -Say goodbye to Jason?
-Yeah.
For now.
Hey.
Thank you.
You know, this time you didn't ruin things so bad.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
All right, too much love.
Everybody get on the plane.
Let's go.
LOUIS: Where's Mom and Dad?
Mom, come on.
Hey, you know what?
If there's not enough room, I could swim home.
Don't worry, Twitty, we forgive you.
-Really?
-Yeah, but you're sitting with Beans.
I'm feeling a little gassy.
I hope the window's open.
Want to sit right here next to Papa?
Boy, it really could've been beautiful.
I think it was.
BEANS: "How we spent our summer vacation," by Beans Arengaren.
Donnie went off to college, where he excelled in football, baseball and philosophy.
(LAUGHS)
Just kidding about the philosophy.
Mr. Stevens got a new job at a great law firm.
He was bringing home the bacon again.
Unfortunately, that's just an expression.
Louis got back to his ultra-loungematic super chair.
But he still has some kinks to work out.
Ren and Mootai, whose real name is Jason, became inseparable.
Yuck!
As for me, I spent plenty of quality time with my favorite family.
-(ALL SCREAM)
-STEVE: Oh!
-What's for dinner?
-I thought I changed the locks.
-Mom, this kid scares me.
-LOUIS: Get out, Beans.
-Who invited him?
-Silly question -Louis.
-Hold on, why is everything my fault?
-REN: Because it always is.
-You can't blame everything on me.
-(ALL ARGUING)
("DREAM VACATION" BY JIM WISE AND JOHN CODA)
♪ I'm done with school today ♪ I'm gonna get away ♪ I'm leaving now, to be precise ♪ Don't that sound nice?
♪ It's time to take it easy ♪ In a place warm and breezy ♪ A little piece of paradise ♪ Dream vacation ♪ It's summertime and we're having fun ♪ Dream vacation ♪ It's party time for everyone ♪ Walking on the beach at night ♪ Holding hands, it feels right ♪ Looking for a sh**ting star ♪ Crank up that guitar ♪ Crank up that guitar ♪ Crank up that guitar ♪ I want a ♪ Dream ♪ Vacation ♪ Dream vacation ♪ It's summertime and we're having fun ♪ Dream vacation ♪ It's party time for everyone ♪ Dream vacation ♪ It's summertime and we're having fun ♪ Dream vacation ♪ It's party time for everyone ♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)
Even Stevens Movie, The (2003)
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