01x15 - Ezekiel Patrol

[bunniefuu]

- Can you hear me, Mr. Morden?
- [IN DISTORTED VOICE] Yes.

MR. NOBODY: Cue the recap!
Paraguay vacay made me this way.

A harbinger of chaos brought
to make this geezer pay.

I strung along the Dumb Patrol,
flipped the bus into a hole,

slammed it shut. Wait, what?
Stuffed it up a donkey's butt!

- CLIFF: Any sign of the Chief?
- We know he's alive.

MR. NOBODY: A team was
forged with one belief,

to stop at nothing and get their Chief.

n*zi-b*ating, doomsday-cheating,

beard hair-eating, romance-hating,

punk to skunk, robot chunk,

flashback dancing with a hunk,

gator-baiting, half chub-dating,

sliming through a metal grating,

death cult all around, Jane
survived the Underground,

Ant Farm, Larry harmed,
delivering justice with a swarm.

- No!
- MR. NOBODY: Father-doting,

hand-exploding, pain obscured
through secret coding.

Growing close with each endeavor,

finally they came together.

- [ALL MOANING LOUDLY]
- MR. NOBODY: But I grew bored

with this game of chase

and trapped them inside the white space.

Backed their leader against the wall,

forcing him to spill it all.

I was responsible for everything

that has happened to each of you.

MR. NOBODY: This is
the best timeline ever!

[font color="# a caa"]♪ Doom Patrol x ♪[/font]
[font color="#a b"]Ezekiel Patrol[/font]

Why?

I needed you.

I wanted...

what you have.

Immortality.

CLIFF: What?

I wanted to...

I needed to...

CLIFF: m*therf*cker!

[CRYING]

NILES: I'm so sorry.

[JANE LAUGHING]

Liar.

You lied to Jane.

You lied to all of us.

[YELLING]

Please let them go.

What do you take me for, Niles?

This was never about them.

Making Silly Putty out of their fragile,

fractured brains,

well, that...

that was all just

extra-curricular.

Consider them abandoned conquests.

Their future is their own now.

God, I wonder what
they'll do with it. Hmm?

What does a family do when they realize

they're no family at
all? They're just rats

in neighboring cages.

They're just Petri
dishes on the same shelf.

You know, I huffed and I puffed,

but it was you all
along, wasn't it, Niles?

You destroyed them!

Just like you destroyed Eric Morden.

So you've had your revenge.

What now?

[LAUGHING] Why, sky's
the limit, old friend.

I'm going to conduct a parade, I'm
gonna guest-host The View,

I'm gonna become the next Bachelor!

The world is a golden oyster for me now.

But for you,

Niles Caulder,

I envision a story
that's a little different.

I've been waiting
decades to ask you this.

How does it feel to be a nobody?

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

_

MAN [ON PA]: Security to
Containment Block Seven.

All security to
Containment Block Seven.

- Good morning, Joshua.
- Bureau astronomers have

confirmed your calculations.

Next week's X- test flight
is our clearest sh*t yet

to intercept the space anomaly.

- NILES: Very good then.
- Meaning, after we knock

this pilot from the sky...

His name is Larry Trainor by the way,

Captain Larry Trainor, wife, two kids.

... after we expose him
to unknown space matter,

after we potentially
burn and radiate him

beyond the known limits
of human capacity,

then we're gonna hand
him over to Forsythe

and his animals? For what?

And Forsythe will grow
bored with his new toy,

and then he'll be
ours. Hopefully forever.

The Immortus Project is working.

Rita Farr has shown zero
signs of aging since .

We already have a
perfectly good test subject.

Now we'll have two.

Where's the line, Niles?

'Cause I can't see it anymore.

The only thing that
should trouble you, Joshua,

is the alternative.

Except I don't know
what the alternative is.

The only way I sleep
at night is because...

you tell me nothing.

You're right. And you're welcome.

[GROANING]

- Oh, God. [SNIFFLES]
- _

_

[RITA HUMMING]

- Good morning, Larry.
- LARRY: Apparently it is.

[RITA CONTINUES HUMMING]

I've been looking forward
to this day all semester.

My students are finally
performing their scene studies,

and I can't wait to see how they utilize

the techniques that I've taught them.

[HUMS] I suspect I'll be
handing out a lot of A's.

- [RITA HUMS]
- Uh-huh.

It feels so good to give
back to the community.

We should've done this ages ago.

- What?
- Move on.

Six months ago we learned
our lives had been destroyed

by a madman. Excuse me if it takes

more than a moment to
get back my sea legs.

When we moved into this place,

we made a promise to each other.

- I know, but...
- No more hiding.

I know.

- I'm trying.
- Mmm.

[SIGHS] Okay.

What do you think?

You wanna try for seconds this time?

- [STOPWATCH TICKING]
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]

Negative Spirit, release!

[GROANS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY] Huh.

[SIGHS] There you go, buddy.

We can do this.

We can do this. We can...

Hit the bricks, sister.
We're... we're done. Finito.

You don't mean that, Kyle.

I know you better
than you know yourself.

You wanna pick me up in
those [LAUGHS] strong arms.

Cut. Cut. [CLEARS THROAT]

Jagger, Esme,

you failed to move your audience.

We didn't feel it because
you didn't feel it.

Mmm? Let me show what it looks like

when you really connect
to your character.

[RITA CLEARS THROAT]

And... action!

Hit the bricks, sister.

We're done. Finito.

You don't mean that, Kyle. Hmm?

I know you better
than you know yourself.

You wanna pick me up
in these strong arms

and devour me whole.

And scene.

And that, children, [CHUCKLES]

is what serious dedication
to your craft gets you.

Being a shitty high
school drama teacher?

- Wow. Dare to dream.
- [STUDENTS LAUGHING]

It's scary not to excel

at something we aspire
to do, isn't it, Esme?

[ESME] I'm not excelling?

I can't think of anything sadder

than some washed-up never-was

who gets their jollies off
out-acting a bunch of teenagers

who only took this class for the easy A.

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

- ["SHAKE YOUR BOOTY" PLAYING ON TV]
- _

[HUMMING]

Larry!

Hurry up! You're missing the booty song.

NILES: Do either of you two
want to buy Marvin Gardens?

Honestly, I could use the cash.

Hmm. Larry! This is
absolutely unacceptable!

is ending,

and you're stalling like
some truculent schoolboy.

[GASPS]

[NILES CHUCKLES]

Uh, now, I believe it's your turn.

LARRY: Ugh, I look ridiculous.

- No.
- [RITA LAUGHING]

Now, then, Rita,

that's not fair.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- Oh, yeah, sure. Laugh it up.
- [DOORBELL RINGING]

- [RITA EXCLAIMS]
- All right. Keep playing.

And don't cheat.

- He's talking to you.
- LARRY: Uh-huh.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Forsythe.

What the hell are you doing here?

Wonderful home, Dr. Caulder.

And a happy New Year's Eve.

You need to leave.

Oh.

I'm afraid the matter
at hand is rather urgent.

What is it?

You know,

when the brass told me in '
I'd be losing Captain Trainor

to your Immortus Initiative,

I have to say, I couldn't have imagined

his new assignment would be quite so...

cozy.

Mmm. Well, you have your
methods, I have mine.

The work we do here
is just as essential.

Yes.

- I can see that now.
- [MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

What is that song?

My daughter likes that one.

Cut the bullshit, Agent.

What's that?

Well, I believe you once called it

the "unrelenting,

uncompromising pursuit of truth".

Your signature is required, Doctor.

Our investigators have identified

your next test subject.

What are you talking
about? I... I never...

That request was made over a decade ago.

And now we've found her.

Hispanic female, multiple
personality disorder.

By all accounts, a real wildcat.

I think you'll agree

she fits perfectly the
profile you asked us to find.

[GROANING]

- [BELL RINGING]
- [STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Jane.

- Did you know?
- About what?

About what that sadistic
f*ck did to us, you f*cking...

[JANE GASPS]

No, no, no.

He promised! [CRYING LOUDLY]

- Jane.
- [WAILING]

Jane.

Hey, it's okay.

[DISTORTED] He was
going to cage us here.

Cage us like the rest of them.

Wasn't he?

Singing caged birdies

with pretty feathers
for the master to pluck!

- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- It's okay.

It's okay.

Just tell me. Please.

I knew.

I can give you the spiel, but...

the truth is, I was blind.

Willfully blind.

You need to make it go away.

- I know it's difficult...
- You don't know.

I keep having this dream.

I find a wound on my chest.

This old wound that's scabbed over.

And I know I shouldn't touch it,

but I keep reaching for it,

and I can't help but scratch.

And the wound gets bigger and bigger

until there's nothing of me left.

There's a drug.

An opiate.

For meta-human powers.

Niles created it.

Gave it to me for safe keeping,

so he wouldn't be tempted.

[KEYPAD BEEPING]

It's not a fix or a cure.

It calms the noise, it
makes it more manageable,

but it doesn't discriminate.

Jane, it quiets everything.

The good and the bad.

In order to use it safely,

we'd have to stick to a strict regimen.

I have to monitor your dosage, vitals...

I'm sorry, Kay.

It's okay.

It feels better now.

_

- [NILES SOBBING]
- _

- ELINORE: Niles?
- Huh?

Elinore? Elinore.

Thank you for coming.

This...

He's my last research subject.

He was a race car driver.

Father.

Husband.

I'm afraid all that...

This is hitting me the hardest of all.

The crash was supposed
to be on the racetrack.

No one else was to get hurt.

No one what? What does that
mean, he was "supposed to"?

How would you know...

that a man is supposed to crash?

It's all gone too far.

It's all gone too far, Elinore.

I used to think I had no alternative.

That there wasn't an
alternative, but it's...

gone too far.

Niles...

I love you...

as a mentor and a friend.

And you are scaring

the ever-loving f*ck
out of me right now.

I need to tell you something.

And I need you to promise

when it's finished

that you'll still be my friend.

[ELINORE SIGHS]

[COOK] Cliff! Your order's up.

Yo!

[HORN HONKING]

- [INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA]
- _

NILES: You know how
much I cared for Elinore.

She would have wanted it this way.

For Victor to survive.

There's some comfort in that.

SILAS: Cold comfort.

But thank you.

NILES: If I may...

one piece of advice.

If there's one thing I've
learned from my research,

Victor is going to need special care.

No offense,

but we are not talking

about homeschooling
my son's recovery here.

S.T.A.R. Labs has it covered.

I'm not talking about
technology or facilities.

There's a holistic
component to be considered.

Patience. Empathy.

And I'm not capable of giving it.

Is that what you're saying?

No, I'm... I just suggest...

You might be surprised

just how much of a
tonic compassion can be.

And exactly who do you
think you're fooling here?

Hmm? You talk about compassion? Empathy?

Like you invented it?

I'm...

I was her husband.

And you don't think she
told me what you did?

You think you have any standing
to lecture me about family?

I just put my son back together.

My son!

And you think that
you and I are the same?

You think what you did...

and what I did are the same?

This wasn't some experiment.

I turned my...

sweet, affable, athletic,

charming, delicious boy

into a freak of nature.

I did it out of love.

Why the hell did you do it, Niles?

To those people?

You speak to me about compassion?

Don't ever.

Don't you dare.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

VIC: Who are you?

MAN: Me?

I'm you. [CACKLES]

[SCREAMING]

[PANTING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hey, Dad.

SILAS: You okay, son?

Fine. Um...

Just been up all night
working that Bitcoin ring.

Well, you know, if
that cybercrime is

too dry for you, you can always
go back out into the field.

My time's better spent taking down

international money launderers
than two-bit purse-snatchers.

- Don't you think?
- Um, of course.

Either way,

I'm proud of you.

I hope you know that.

Sure.

Look, I gotta get back to it.

[HANGS UP]

[PANTING]

- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [BLOWING]

[LAUGHING]

[BLOWING]

[LAUGHING]

Is there any sweeter
feeling than revenge?

[CHUCKLES]

That's an excellent
question, Whoopi, and...

I don't think that there is.

And the only thing that I'm more sure of

is that it will never,
ever, ever go away!

[GROANING]

"A convoluted, meandering
plot that ends in a whimper.

An impotent villain

with a cliché approach to revenge"!

You know what, he's right.

He's totally right!

He's... he's totally right.

EZEKIEL: At long
last, I have found you!

[MR. NOBODY YELPING] No!

EZEKIEL: Be still, you
fudger! Be still, I say!

Did you just call me a "fudger"?

Silence, recreant! For this is my time.

I have waited centuries

for the rapture foretold
in the scripture.

Twice you have brought us to its brink,

and twice you have failed.

Explain yourself! I demand it!

Well, I was going for
more of a personal tale

of vengeance and betrayal. You know...

emotional stakes.

Real premium cable sh*t.

EZEKIEL: So, you're
not an agent of the Lord?

No, there is no God.

If there was, I wouldn't
be so devoid of purpose.

EZEKIEL: Oh, a crisis of faith!

This is why Father has led me to you,

to set you back on
the path to His glory!

Path to glory? Oh, I
like the sound of that.

- EZEKIEL: To His glory.
- Yeah, that's what I said.

To glory.

Oh, but it's no use!

I have already completed
my life's masterwork

by turning everyone Niles
Caulder loves against him.

There isn't a person alive
that he can call friend.

No man, no woman...

Woman.

[MUTTERING]

[FAST-FORWARDING]

I want the truth.

Where is she?

[GRUNTS]

It seems as though I left
some vengeance on the table.

I really gotta amp things up this
time, really make a show of force!

EZEKIEL: You need guys?

I know a rat who spent
an entire afternoon

exacting revenge on the
robot who k*lled his mother.

MR. NOBODY: Admiral Whiskers?

I love that guy.

[SQUEAKING] _

[CHUCKLES]

This is a splendid start. Who else?

EZEKIEL: Hmm. You know what?

Let's start small. A trinity.

Hmm. Hmm, I like it.

I like it. A ménage-à-us.

And we shall call ourselves The
Brotherhood of Dangerous Animals!

EZEKIEL: Hosanna!

[ADMIRAL WHISKERS SQUEAKING] _

Yes. It is tight, Admiral Whiskers.

Yes! And vengeance will be mine!

Again. For real this time.

And when we get Niles Caulder... again,

the world will be ours!

[LAUGHING]

EZEKIEL: Then we shall destroy it!

Maybe.

If there's time.

[ALL LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[YAWNS]

[SIGHS]

[WHISTLING CHEERFUL TUNE]

Morning, dear.

- [SIGHS]
- We hit seconds yesterday.

At least, I think we did.

I passed out at some
point. But it felt longer.

Bully for you.

Rough day at school?

I was emotionally assassinated
by a -year-old girl.

I'm not even sure what
we're doing here, Larry.

We're doing exactly what we
were doing back at the manor,

just getting by.

That's not enough for me. Not anymore.

There has to be more
to life than just this.

[DISEMBODIED VOICE]
♪ We'll be singing ♪

♪ When we're winning ♪

♪ We'll be singing... ♪

- Neighbors?
- Moved last week.

♪ We'll be singing ♪

♪ We'll be singing when we're winning ♪

Do you think Old Man Arnold can hear it?

Hear what?

Nothing! Have a nice day now.

OLD MAN ARNOLD: Eat sh*t, ginger!

♪ You'll be singing... ♪

- LARRY: Disembodied singing.
- RITA: Never a good sign.

Although, we could follow
it. See where it leads.

It's not like we have much to lose.

No, just our lives.

But, hey, we're living
on stolen time anyway,

so why not take it for granted and

dive headlong into shark-infested waters

that will undoubtedly
lead us back to the man

who permanently d*sfigured us

and lied to us about it for decades?

We're the ones who don't
get involved. Remember?

♪ We'll be singing... ♪

No more hiding.

♪ We'll be singing ♪

[LARRY SIGHS]

[FAINT SINGING]

[KAY GIGGLES]

JANE: Kay...

Stay here.

MAN: Sweet, sweet baby... Baby...

Who's there?

JANE: No, Kay. Don't forget.

You can't forget.

I'll get her, Jane.

Don't worry.

Kay...

HAMMERHEAD: Come here, monkey.

MAN: Sweet, sweet baby... Baby...

SECRETARY: I know you think
this is how it has to be,

but this isn't healing, Jane.

Forgetting and hiding isn't healing.

You have to go up.

I can't.

We're safer here.

We're happy, aren't we?

[GASPS]

["I GET KNOCKED DOWN" PLAYING]

♪ And you're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ I get knocked down
but I get up again ♪

♪ And you're never gonna keep me down ♪

JANE: What the f*ck!

[CLIFF YELPS]

- Uh... Hi. Uh...
- What the f*ck?

You're the one who's been bringing
me cold food this whole time?

For months?

Um...

Well, yeah, when I'm not
busy. I'm busy a lot, you know.

There just happens to be a food truck

where I'm busy most, and I, um...

I mean, it's not like
I could eat any of it.

- Thanks.
- [MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

CLIFF: Might be a little soggy.

I tripped. Manhole just came out of...

Do you hear that music too?

All morning.

You, uh...

You wanna go f*ck up
whoever's playing it?

f*ck, yeah!

♪ ... but I get up again ♪

["I GET KNOCKED DOWN"
CONTINUES PLAYING]

♪ I get knocked down
but I get up again ♪

♪ And you're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ I get knocked down
but I get up again ♪

♪ And you're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ Pissing the night away ♪

♪ Pissing the night away ♪

♪ He drinks a whiskey drink
he drinks a vodka drink ♪

♪ He drinks a lager drink
he drinks a cider drink ♪

♪ He sings the songs that
remind him of the good times ♪

CLIFF: So, my timing might be sh*t here,

but I, for one, am grateful that
a disembodied Chumbawamba

has brought us all back together.

[LARRY GROANS]

♪ I get knocked down
but I get up again ♪

♪ I get knocked down
but I get up again ♪

♪ And you're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ I get knocked down
but I get up again ♪

♪ And you're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ I get knocked down... ♪

Can I just say there better be a
good f*cking reason why we're here?

And it better be to turn
off that f*cking song.

- [CLIFF LOWERS VOLUME]
- Because honestly,

I'd rather stick sharks in my vag*na

than be in the same zip code as you.

It's Mr. Nobody. He's kidnapped Danny.

- So, rescue Danny.
- I can't.

I need your help.

A long time ago, I had a daughter.

She's extraordinary
and everything to me,

and I'm afraid...

she is a danger to all of us.

All I ever wanted was to live
one day longer than she did,

to protect her.

To protect others.

That's why I created each one of you.

[SIGHS]

I need to study any means
possible of extending my own life.

So, we were lab rats.
Just like Mr. Nobody said.

Yes, at first. I can't deny that.

LARRY: Okay, I'm sorry, but
invoking your daughter now,

it's f*cking evil.

It's the truth.

I hid her for years on Danny,

who graciously accepted
to be her caretaker.

Somehow,

Mr. Nobody

has found out about her,

and he's trapped them
both inside this painting.

Please.

She's all I've got left.

Tell you what. I'll help
you with your daughter

as soon as you invent a time machine

that gets me back the
years I lost with mine.

Till then, f*ck you forever!

And Danny? You're just
gonna turn your back on them?

Even though they had no part in this?

I'm sorry, what part of "f*ck
you forever" was in Hebrew?

I'll do it.

For Danny. Even your daughter.

[GASPS]

Not for you.

CLIFF: Wait! You're doing this?

Niles Caulder, you're an awful,

vermin-infested, garbage... person.

But so help me, I'm going
into that painting too.

I was terrible as a human being,

and even worse as an acting teacher.

The only time I don't feel
like a complete assh*le

is when I'm dealing with...

whatever you would
call this foolishness.

Larry.

LARRY: Does my opinion even matter?

Cliff.

Great! Now I'm the f*cking
assh*le who's a f*cking assh*le

if I don't walk into
the f*cking painting.

Of course I'm gonna f*cking
walk into the f*cking painting,

because, let's be honest,

who the f*ck else is
enough of a f*cking assh*le

to walk into a f*cking painting?

Let's go!

Okay, so get into the
painting... somehow,

and then rescue Danny
and your daughter somehow.

Getting in is gonna be the easy part.

It's the getting out
that's gonna be tricky.

LARRY: Why? What do we have to do?

I don't know. That's
why it's gonna be tricky.

LARRY: Ah. Okay.

["I GET KNOCKED DOWN" PLAYING]

So, what do we do? Just
stare at this thing?

Keep staring. Keep staring.

["I GET KNOCKED DOWN" CONTINUES PLAYING]

Where is everyone?

[ELECTRONIC BEEP]

CLIFF: Danny, you okay? What's going...

Uh, can't see. All right.

_

Danny, what about her?

She safe?

- [ELECTRONIC BEEP]
- [HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Uh... Guys?

What the hell is that?

EZEKIEL: Now comes your reckoning!

Oh, God.

EZEKIEL: Behold! I am His right hand.

His scythe! Use me, Father!

I am your disciple, your fifth horseman!

Take cover!

MR. NOBODY: sh*t! sh*t!

sh*t!

sh*t! sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

[CRYING] ♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ Danny boy ♪

I'm so sorry, Danny boy!

Oh, my God. Danny was right. You came.

I'm so happy to see you guys.

- Man, what the hell are you doing?
- [GRUNTS]

[RUMBLING]

I f*cked up. I f*cked up.

I f*cked up so hard.

I was happy here, you know.

This guy shows up,
Mr. Nobody, offering me

bags of Lincoln, da Vinci, ZZ Top.

Their beards tasted so good.

And I told him...

I told him everything. [CRYING]

You sold her out.

[CORK POPS]

What did you do?

What did I do?

I mean, sure, I trapped
Danny in this g*dd*mn painting

before realizing that it
would turn me into this...

this husk!

All I wanted to do

was to meet that
Cro-Magnon squeeze of yours,

and lo and behold, all that remains

is an adorable, almighty
chip off the old block.

If you so much as harmed
a hair on her head...

[RUMBLING]

She enlarged those two
backstabbing vermin!

Have you ever tried
talking sense to a pest

while he enjoys his very own
re-enactment of a Kaiju movie?

It is impossible!

Shut up! Look, we need a plan.

Look, we were the only people
in this whole entire world

who got Danny's SOS
and followed it here.

We're standing inside the
heart of a sentient street,

inside a magic painting
with a giant-ass cockroach,

a guy who hunts beards, and...

And an inter-dimensional f*ck-up.

[RUMBLING]

- [BURPS]
- CYBORG: If anybody's gonna save Danny

and the Chief's daughter,
it's gonna be us.

Fine. What's this plan?

NILES: This way. Quickly!

She's in the Doll
Hospital, down the stairs.

CLIFF: That wasn't so bad.

Maybe the giant roach found
a giant turd to chow down on

and forgot all about us.

- [GROWLING]
- [HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

It's the roach, isn't it?

[GROWLING CONTINUES]

[SNIFFING]

Oh, f*ck my life!

Jane, run! [SCREAMING]

The f*ck!

[ADMIRAL WHISKERS ROARING]

[NILES GRUNTING]

Come and get it, assh*le!

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t!

No. Find my daughter.

The Doll Hospital. Go.

[GRUNTING]

[RUMBLING]

I was supposed to be the villain

of this shitty piece.

I was bested by a little girl,

and thrown out of my
own criminal organization

by a rat and a roach.

Me...

The big bad. The black hat.

You can't make this sh*t up!

Yesterday, a -year-old girl told me

to f*ck my face with a weed-whacker.

- [LAUGHING]
- [RUMBLING]

Congratulations.

We both suck.

That's one way to tell the story.

It's the truth.

It's the past.

The future is still
yours for the making.

Why? What's the point?

I know what it's like to be a nobody.

But as bad as that felt, I'd
rather be nobody than nothing.

And that is exactly
what you're going to be

if you don't quit feeling
sorry for yourself.

You don't give a sh*t about me.

You're only saying all of
this to save your own tuchus.

[RUMBLING]

That is... % true.

But think about it this way,

if you give up now, your
story is a forgettable,

disappointing defeat,

but if you take up your
narration once again,

you can turn your tale into
[INHALES] something beloved by all,

told and retold time after time.

A comeback.

What do you want me to do?

EZEKIEL: ♪ Give me joy in my heart ♪

♪ Keep me praising ♪

♪ Give me joy in my heart I pray ♪

[MR. NOBODY CLEARS THROAT]
There he stood,

anointed with purpose. Ezekiel!

Born of the most Herculean
and timeless of creatures.

EZEKIEL: Father, is that you?

MR. NOBODY: No.

Ezekiel realized that it
wasn't God, it couldn't be,

because he was God all along.

EZEKIEL: Huh?

For who else was more
powerful than the cockroach?

Who else could survive mass extinctions,

plagues, and nuclear explosions?

EZEKIEL: No one!

Only I, only Ezekiel.

MR. NOBODY: And if
he wanted Armageddon,

he would have to manifest
Revelations himself!

Yes! I am ready!

MR. NOBODY: Now was the time for
the meek to inherit the Earth.

It was time for the meek to devour it.

Devour?

- Ugh.
- MR. NOBODY: Three o'clock. Behind the BMW.

Why, a God would not be sated
on scraps of guano alone.

Ezekiel had a new appetite.

- He desired to eat...
- [YELPS]

- ... the world.
- [CYBORG SCREAMING]

EZEKIEL: Yes!

MR. NOBODY: Now having
tasted the great Cyborg,

Ezekiel's craving for power grew.

EZEKIEL: I am become God!

Destroyer of worlds!

[EZEKIEL CACKLING]

CLIFF: Of all the stupid
ways I expected to die,

getting eaten by a Godzilla-rat
never made the list.

I don't know. Maybe I deserve this.

I was a shitty dad and a worse husband.

- Uh, let's see, what else?
- [RUMBLING]

[ADMIRAL WHISKERS SQUEAKING] _

Okay, yeah. But those two other
things, they aren't that bad.

[RUMBLING]

[ADMIRAL WHISKERS SQUEAKING] _

I mean, lots of people suck
at relationships and parenting.

Doesn't mean they're
sucky people, does it?

Because if I had another
chance with Clara,

I know I'd do so much better.

So, why shouldn't I get a second chance?

Why do I deserve to be slowly
digested by a giant f*cking rodent?

'Cause I don't think I do.
I don't f*cking deserve this!

Maybe nobody does.

- I do not deserve this sh*t.
- [RUMBLING]

I do not deserve this sh*t!

I do not deserve this sh*t!

[ADMIRAL WHISKERS SNIFFING]

LARRY: Okay, you heard Vic's plan.

You're gonna find us a way
out of here. I know you are.

Negative Spirit, release!

[GROANING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[DOROTHY SOBBING]

[DOORKNOB RATTLES]

Hello?

I'm Jane.

Niles sent me to come get you.

[LOUD BANG]

[GRUNTS]

Good job.

Looks like I'm up.

Just as soon as everyone's
inside the giant cockroach.

Rita!

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I know you better than
you know yourself, Ezekiel.

You wanna pick me up in those
strong arms and devour me whole.

Oh, God. This is gonna be
worse than the donkey, isn't it?

[RITA SCREAMING]

JANE: I get it.

I have a friend, Baby Doll.

She's like us.

She gets scared too.

And your dad used to sing her this song

that always made her feel better.

♪ I'm a valiant little squirrel ♪

♪ I am brave and powerful ♪

♪ No, I'm not afraid of anything ♪

♪ At all ♪

[DOOR OPENS]

♪ I am strong ♪

♪ I am daring ♪

♪ It's not me that you'll be scaring ♪

♪ No, I'm not afraid of anything ♪

♪ At all ♪

NILES: Not even a hawk?

With its loud and mighty squawk?

Come, dear.

Shall we go see what the inside
of a cockroach looks like?

Wait, wait, Cliff. What about Cliff?

MR. NOBODY: Oh, sh*t. Cliff.

I do not deserve this sh*t!

Ugh. Gross.

MR. NOBODY: Um, okay.

Okay, I'm just vamping here.

Then... [CLEARS THROAT]

Then Ezekiel noticed Whiskers.

I mean, he really noticed him.

[RUMBLING]

Why, he had been so busy

becoming the architect
of the Apocalypse and all,

that he had failed to see
what was right before his eyes,

but there he was.

Ezekiel's right hand in the
destruction of this loathsome world.

Another meek and forgotten creature.

It was as if a soul
had been split in two,

and they were finding their
way back together again.

The yearning was palpable.

It was intoxicating.

[ADMIRAL WHISKERS SQUEAKING] _

EZEKIEL: Really? Oh, Whiskers!

MR. NOBODY: It was in that
moment that Ezekiel lost

all other appetite,

he hungered for one thing

and one thing only,

and that was...

rat-a-tushie.

[BOTH MOANING]

CLIFF: Oh! Gotta make
it into the cockroach.

Gotta make it into the cockroach.

Gotta make it into the cockroach.

Oh, God! Oh, f*ck me!

[SCREAMING]

MR. NOBODY: Now knowing
that his greatest fear

was also his greatest power,

Larry knew it was time to rip through

this impenetrable dimension.

All of the pieces were
clicking into place.

The story's riveting
end was finally upon us.

So, the cockroach eats them to
protect them from the radiation,

I get that. But what happens to us?

Oh, shi...

[expl*si*n]

EZEKIEL: Miscreants! Dissenters!

Did they think they could destroy me?

Nay, the Apocalypse is my bedfellow.

Nuclear radiation, a mere
gentle kiss upon my back.

I cannot die for I am death!

I am the beginning, the end, the...

[EZEKIEL GROANING]

[BOTH GASP]

CYBORG: Everybody okay?

Nothing that an hour-long shower

and a whiskey on the rocks won't fix.

- Is that...
- NILES: Yes.

It's all right, darling.

Everyone...

this is my daughter, Dorothy.

Dorothy Spinner.

LARRY: Uh, guys...

I'm gonna suggest maybe we deal
with the issue at hand here,

and then meet the world's
most powerful little girl.

CLIFF: What the f*ck?
Are you f*cking kidding me?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Are you f*cking kidding me!