02x14 - David, Goliath, and a Yoo-Hoo from the Back

[bunniefuu]

[SCREECHES]

ADULT SHELDON: A fossil is formed

when an organism, preserved in sediment,

undergoes physical compression

- over millions of years.
- [THUNDER CRASHES]

Less than one ten-thousandth percent

of living organisms will become fossils.

Isn't it amazing

that something so fragile
can defy those odds,

only to have this happen to it...

I don't think you did that right.

- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- GIVENS: All right, everyone,

we'll pick it up here
tomorrow. I-If we're lucky,

we may find a fossil as
old as lunch lady Phyllis.

You people don't know what's funny.

TOMMY: Cooper!

Will you put these away for me?

Sure.

You better watch yourself.

I will, I-I really will.

'Cause you know what's
gonna happen if you don't.

Who was that?

No one.

Why did he push you?

None of your business.

But that was a clear violation

of the student code of conduct.

We need to tell on him.

We're not telling on
anyone, stay out of it.

But the student code of conduct...

Drop it.

ADULT SHELDON: So I did drop it...

[SIGHS]

ADULT SHELDON: ...for six whole minutes.

Excuse me, sir.

When you're done urinating,
I'd like to ask you

some questions about social
dynamics, intimidation,

threats, et cetera.

Finish up, no hurry.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

[URINAL FLUSHES]

What is your problem?

Oh, I don't have a problem.

You should probably wash your hands.

I just witnessed an altercation

between you and Georgie Cooper.

Altercation?

A confrontation, a tussle. Anyway,

I'd just like to gather more information

for sociological purposes.

Oh, I heard about you,
you're that smart kid.

I'd like to be humble in this
moment, but yes, that's me.

Sheldon Cooper, at your service.

- So Georgie's your brother?
- Correct.

And you're trying to protect him?

Incorrect. I'm just curious
what he did to incur your wrath.

Also, kudos on the hand washing.

Your brother's a punk.

I'm not familiar with that terminology.

He tried to hit on my girlfriend.

Interesting. So he
openly pursued your mate,

and to re-assert dominance,

you threatened him
with physical v*olence.

Hell yeah, I did.

I understand that.

I often intimidate people
with my intelligence.

Well, one of us scared him.

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
- MARCUS: All right.

Next. Missy Cooper.

Just a heads-up, this is my good side.

Okay...

Do your parents know
you're wearing that makeup?

Oh, yeah, my mom knows.

You sure? Because
typically it's not allowed.

If you don't believe
me, you can ask her.

Okay, we're gonna give her a call.

Really?

Good news, I just
spoke to Tommy Clarkson.

What? Are you crazy?

Nope, Mom had me tested.

And Tommy's actually
nicer than you think.

I told you to stay out of it.

True, but what you didn't tell me

was that you were overly
chummy with his girlfriend,

which is why he wants
to kick your bottom.

I'm about to kick your bottom.

I don't think so.

H-Hey, Tommy.

How you doing?

You got a problem with him,
you got a problem with me.

And just to make his logic clear,

you do have a problem with me.

Don't listen to my brother, I don't have

a problem with anybody.

You need to apologize.

I-I'm very sorry.

To him.

I'm very sorry, Sheldon.

Later, kid.

See? He's nice.

What were you even thinking?

I was thinking I look hot.

You know you're not
allowed to wear makeup.

That's why I didn't tell you.

And who gave it to you?
Heather B.? Heather M.?

Meemaw.

So your grandmother was okay
with you looking like this

in your school pictures?

If you don't believe me, ask her.

Oh, I'm going to.

Really?

CURT CHAPLIN: These are the plaintiffs,

Valerie and Anthony Sines.

Valerie claims she was
sitting on the front steps

of her condo with her cat Scampi,

and that's when his dog went
after Scampi, injuring her.

- What are you watching?
- Go away.

Are you angry with me?

I don't want to see your face right now.

Very well, but I'd like to
watch Professor Proton.

Did you hear me? Go away.

Well, did you hear me?

I'd like to watch Professor Proton.

- Too bad.
- Interesting.

I wonder how my new
friend Tommy Clarkson

would feel about this.

Well, he's not here, is he?

No, he's not.

I guess I'll just have to call him.

You're kidding.

CHAPLIN: ...the case of

a taste of Scampi

after these messages.

Are you going to put on Professor Proton?

No.

Hmm.

Okay, okay.

Thank you.

I didn't hear a "you're welcome."

GEORGE JR.: Shut up!

- [DOOR SLAMS]
- We'll work on that.

PROFESSOR PROTON: It's time for science!

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Hello.

Well, don't you look like Madonna?

Thank you.

I was actually trying to look like you.

Thank you.

Why would you give her makeup
without talking to me first?

I didn't give her any makeup.

Well, then, one of you is lying.

- She is.
- She is.

Time to come clean little lady.

I ain't taking the hit on this one.

I took the makeup from Meemaw's bag.

Oh, Missy, you are
in a world of trouble.

Calm down, it's not that big a deal.

It is so a big deal!

She stole from you, and
then she lied about it.

I know, but come on, she's only ten.

She's gonna do way stupider
stuff when she's older.

Guaranteed.

I don't care.

She is my daughter and
you will be punished.

Sorry, kid.

I wish I was your daughter.

Is that so?

Well, guess what?

You're sleeping here tonight

because I don't feel like
being around either one of you.

Great!

- [DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
- Yeah, great.

Georgie, be a lamb and get me a Yoo-hoo.

Get your own.

Hmm. Are you sure you
want to speak to me

in that tone of voice?

Sheldon, I'm getting real tired of this.

That's too bad. I'm
enjoying it quite a bit.

Still waiting on that Yoo-hoo.

You think you're so tough now,

- I swear, one day I'm...
- GEORGE SR.: Hey.

What's going on?

Sheldon's being a jerk.

That true?

All I did was ask for a Yoo-hoo.

He's leaving out the part where he...

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS] Forget it.

Great. Done.

SHELDON: Georgie,

at the risk of repeating myself...

[SIGHS]

And one from the back, so it's cold.

So when, exactly, did
you swipe my makeup?

While you were at bowling league.

You don't have a key to this house.

How'd you get in?

Can't tell you that.

I might need to do it again.

Unbelievable.

And for future reference,
go lighter on the blush,

or you'll end up
looking like Raggedy Ann.

She got Raggedy Andy looking like that.

- He's her brother.
- Oh.

I've been playing with
those dolls all wrong.

All right, that'll do it.

How old was Mom when
you let her wear makeup?

I don't know, I didn't
really have rules like that.

See? How come you're so
cool and she's such a dud?

Well, I wouldn't call her a dud.

What would you call her?

Point is, she wasn't always like that.

What was she like?

When she was a teenager,
she was just wild.

- Really?
- [LAUGHING]: Oh, yeah.

She used to wait until I went to sleep

and then she would sneak out

and get into trouble with her friends.

- My mom?
- Your mom.

And then she would climb up the tree

on the side of the
house and sneak back in.

Amazing.

Is that how you're getting in?

I will never tell you that.

[LAUGHING]

Everything okay?

I'm getting tired of being
the bad guy around here.

You're not the bad guy.

[STAMMERS] Kids need boundaries.

That is easy for you to say.
I am the only one doing it,

and then everyone resents me for it.

Hey, you're not the only one.

Just today, Georgie and
Sheldon were fighting,

and I totally took care of it.

Really? What was going on?

They... you know, boy stuff.

I...

Don't worry. I got your back.

Thank you. That means a lot.

Teamwork, babe.

Look, right...

here.

- That's my mom?
- [CHUCKLES]

Yep, the little queen of darkness.

Is she smoking a cigarette?

Yep. Probably stole it from me.

When did she stop being cool?

Well, first of all, smoking is not cool.

- You do it.
- Yeah, well, next time

I'm hocking up some
black goo out of my lung,

I'll call you over and
you can see how cool it is.

- Awesome.
- It is not awesome.

And as far as your mom,
I think things started

to turn around for her
when she gave birth to you.

You mean me and Sheldon.

No, I mean you.

I mean, Sheldon was born fine,
but you were a different story.

Why?

Okay.

Well, there was a point
where the doctors didn't know

if you were gonna make it.

And your mom got so scared,
and she made a promise to God

that if you were okay,
that she would start reading

the Bible, going to church...

you know, that kind of stuff.

So I'm the reason she's a dud?

Your takeaway should be

that you are the reason she's
such a good mom, which she is.

And the next time you
hurt her feelings...

Which you will...

You might remember how
much you mean to her.

Now I feel bad.

Good.

ADULT SHELDON: News of my
friendship with Tommy

had apparently spread.

So much so, the student body was finally

treating me with the respect I deserved,

even when Tommy wasn't around.

This must be how Carl Sagan felt,

walking through the halls of PBS.

ADULT SHELDON: Like
Superman in a phone booth,

I was no stranger to
undressing in my gym locker.

But not today.

Thanks to Tommy, I was invincible.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

All right, get your
butts out to the gym.

Wind sprints in one minute.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Come on, Jason, I'm gonna be late.

Poor baby.

[JASON CHUCKLES]

Excuse me.

I'd like to ask you some questions

about your use of intimidation
to dominate others.

Are you trying to get your ass kicked?

No, I was just looking to
open a spirited dialogue.

And you might want to unhand me.

I'm friends with Tommy Clarkson.

Is that so?

Yes.

Hello, Tommy.

I have some unfortunate news.

- What's that?
- I boasted

to Jason Davies that you're my friend,

and things took an unexpected turn.

You're scheduled to
fight him at : p.m.

on the basketball court.

I don't want to fight Jason Davies.

I don't think you have a
choice. He was pretty adamant.

Fine, I'll deal with it.

You do have the option
of simply not showing up.

That's not how fights work, Sheldon.

Why? Do they take attendance?

[CLOCK TICKING]

What on Earth did you say to Missy?

- Why? What'd she do now?
- Nothing,

she was an angel.

I dropped her off at school,

and she hugged me in
front of her friends.

- Really?
- And not just any friends.

Heather M. was there,
and that is a big deal.

I just gave her a little life advice.

Like what?

Nothing, just grandma stuff.

There you go again, being the good guy.

Mary, you need to know

you're doing a fantastic
job with those kids.

You really mean that?

- I really do.
- Thanks.

I can't remember the last time
someone said I was a good mom.

It's not a job that gets
a lot of compliments.

TAM: Look at this, my
mother left me a note.

"You can do better. Mom."

Not "Love, Mom," not "XO, Mom,"

just "Mom."

ADULT SHELDON: While Tam prattled on

about some family nonsense,

I couldn't help but think about Tommy.

At : pm, he was going to
engage in a schoolyard battle

that was entirely my fault.

I had to find a way
to intervene, but how?

TAM: Ooh, a Nutter Butter.

Maybe she does love me.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

- [CROWD CHEERING]
- BOY: Face-punching time!

Jason, let's do it!

[CHANTING]: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight!

[JASON GROWLS]

Come on, Jason. Kick his ass.

ADULT SHELDON: I didn't have
the physical stature to assist

Tommy in a brawl, but
I did have something

far more lethal:

my once in a generation brain.

[STUDENTS CHANTING]:
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[CHEERING]

I didn't think you'd show up.

Well, I did.

Let's do this.

SHELDON: Stop!

You're not fighting
Tommy, you're fighting me.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, boy.

Unless you want to shake hands

and we all laugh about
this over a glass of milk.

I think I'd rather kick both your asses.

I was afraid you'd say that.

Are you familiar with the story

of David and Goliath from the Bible?

Yeah.

That's too bad.

I had a nice speech prepared.

I'll say it anyway.

You may have the size advantage,

but like David and his sling,

I also possess an air-based w*apon.

So I'll give you one more chance.

Are you willing to step down?

[STUDENTS EXCLAIMING]

I'll tell you what:

you take the first
sh*t, then it's my turn.

Very well.

[RUBBER CREAKING]

Three...

...two...

...one.

Ow! Son of a bitch!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERING]

[GROWLS]

I'm going to run.

ADULT SHELDON: Conventional wisdom tells us

that when one stands up
to a bully, the bully

will inevitably back down and
respect you for your courage.

My experience suggests otherwise.

SHELDON: Hello? Hello?

ADULT SHELDON: When
Jason finally caught me,

he had the good sense not to
commit as*ault and battery.

This did not, however, prevent him

from imprisoning me in his locker.

Anybody?

That was a very long night.

It doesn't smell good in here.

Very long.