02x17 - Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary

[bunniefuu]

["GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE
FUN" BY CYNDI LAUPER PLAYING]

ADULT SHELDON: It's typical for
young people to admire rock stars.

For my sister, it was Cyndi Lauper.

["LIVIN' ON A PRAYER"
BY BON JOVI PLAYING]

For my brother, it was Bon Jovi.

Well, Jon, we look good.

♪ Oh, we're livin' on... ♪

[CLASSICAL VIOLIN PLAYING]

For me, the rock star
I admired most was...

Albert Einstein.

♪ ♪

Did you know Einstein
loved playing the violin?

So?

He believed music helped him
formulate his theories.

So?

Einstein was arguably the
greatest scientific mind

of the th century.

If music helped him,
maybe it could help me.

So?

I got to go talk to my mom.

- Everything okay?
- Yeah,

she's just got some problems
she's dealing with.

Kind of personal. Will
you make the kids lunch?

- Ah, do I have to?
- George?

Happy to.

Be right back.

[SIGHS]

What do y'all want for lunch?

Peanut butter and jelly, please.

Great. Missy?

Tuna salad on rye toast,

with sliced pickles and...

Two PBJs, got it.

What is going on?

- Well...
- Well, what?

- I'm trying to say it.
- You woke me up.

Spill it or I'm going back to bed.

I'm pregnant.

I'm awake now.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

Are you sure?

Yes. I'm late.

- How late?
- Two days.

Oh, two days. That's nothing.

Last time I was two days
late, I had the twins.

Last time I was two days
late, I had menopause.

[CHUCKLES]

Just trying to lighten the mood.

So do you have...

reason to think that you might be?

Well, we try to be
safe, but... you know,

heat of the moment.

Still? After three kids
and that beer belly

- hanging over his pants?
- Mom?

I think you might be getting
way ahead of yourself.

I'm telling you, I just know.

You were also convinced that
Georgie was gonna be a girl.

That's true.

Although he does have very pretty hair.

Hello.

Hi, Sheldon.

I'd like to learn to play the violin.

Really? Well, that's terrific.

Do you have any experience
with stringed instruments?

Stringed instruments, no.

String theory, yes.

That was a joke. I'm a joker.

I think I have an old
violin you can take home

and get the feel of.

That's great.

Thank you.

But I have to warn you,

it can be a frustrating
instrument to learn.

- Can you play it?
- Yes.

I'll be fine.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

I don't see them.

Excuse me.

Where do you keep your pregnancy tests?

Mom.

Behind the counter at the pharmacy.

Thank you.

Would you please be a
little more discreet?

She doesn't know it's for you.

Well, it sure isn't for you.

Come on.

Ow. [GASPS] No.

Well, go ahead.

- I can't.
- Why not?

His daughter goes to Missy's school.

You are being ridiculous.

I don't need the world
knowing my business.

Okay, fine.

- Hello!
- Oh!

Excuse me.

- Hi, can I help you?
- Yes.

Uh, I need a... pregnancy test.

NELSON: Sure.

We have a few options.

Hey, Connie.

Oh, hey, Brenda.

Oh, you-you pick.

Is that a pregnancy test?

Uh, yeah.

[QUIETLY]: It's for me.

- Really?
- Yes.

I come from a long line
of really fertile women.

My mother had me when she was .

Can you believe it?

I don't think I can.

MEEMAW: Dr. Sturgis
and I have been dating

for some time and we
really try to be careful,

but you know how it is.

Heat of the moment.

BILLY: Hi, Mrs. Cooper!

[WHISPERS]: Hi, Billy.

Are you playing hide-and-seek?

Um, yeah.

Don't tell anybody. Shh.

Bye, Mrs. Cooper!

Oh!

Thank you so much. Bye.

Wish me luck.

It's a bit worn. But it's
fine for a beginner.

[VIOLIN SCREECHING]

That was unpleasant.

It just takes some practice.

Very well. When is my first lesson?

I'm... pretty busy right now.

But I can give you this in the meantime.

Anyone Can Play Violin.

They don't set the bar very high.

MEEMAW: You know what you need to do?

MARY: Yes.

How's it going?

MARY: It'd be a lot easier
to pee if you'd stop talking.

Sorry.

[EXHALES]

Now it's too quiet. Say something.

I know you didn't expect this,

and you still might not be, but...

but if it turns out you are...

I'm here for you.

- Thanks, Mom.
- [TOILET FLUSHES]

You're not the one I'm worried about.

If I'm pregnant, George
is gonna flip out.

I'm sure he would at first.

Then he would calm down.

Take a few beers.

Maybe some malt liquor.

I suppose.

[SIGHS] The truth is, he and I were both

freaked out about having twins.

But now I can't imagine
life without them.

Well, see, there you are.

So, no matter what that test says,

you're gonna be okay.

You're right.

What's it say?

[SIGHS]

I'm gonna go buy that malt liquor.

To get started,

place your violin in rest position.

Your feet should be together.

Your right arm should be

over your instrument,

not touching the strings or the bridge.

- Put your left hand...
- What are you doing?

What does it look like?

Like you're looking for another excuse

for kids to pick on you.

Now, you are ready to
position your feet.

Zip your feet open and step forward

with your left foot.

- Your feet should...
- What are you doing?

I was gonna watch DuckTales,
but this looks funnier.

... procedure for positioning
the violin on your shoulder.

Hold your violin above the left foot

with the neck of the
instrument pointing up.

Left foot, neck up.

Now rotate the neck of the instrument

counterclockwise, so
that the neck points

at your left foot.

- Oh, boy.
- I was right.

Bend your left elbow so that the violin

rests on your shoulder

and place your head on the chin rest.

Now try dropping your left hand.

See if you can hold your instrument

without your hands.

- Time yourself at this...
- What's going on?

[MUMBLES]: I'm learning
to play the violin.

It's my new favorite show.

Once you feel you have
control of your instrument,

try moving your hands around.

[LAUGHING]

Repeat this procedure
until you can position

your instrument comfortably and quickly.

He'll just be another minute.

Thank you.

- What's that about?
- Oh...

just trying not to breathe the smoke in.

[CHUCKLES] Come on.

It already went through
the filter and my lungs.

This stuff is squeaky clean. [COUGHS]

Well, still.

He's all yours, your highness.

[MUFFLED]: All right.

[COUGHS]

Hey, Mare, what's up?

Other than the big guy. [LAUGHS]

God joke.

Actually, um, I could use some guidance.

I got some news today,

and I'm not quite sure
how I feel about it.

Of course. Sit.

Well... I am...

um...

with child.

That's wonderful!

Congratulations!

How far along are you?

Uh, could you keep it
down just a little?

I haven't exactly told George yet.

Got it. And why not?

It is his, right?

Of course.

Apologies.

Hey, I'm a pastor in a small town.

You wouldn't believe the
juicy things I hear.

This just wasn't part of our plan.

Well, luckily... it's
part of God's plan.

And let me tell you about another Mary

who didn't know how to tell her
husband she was expecting.

And her story is way weirder
than yours. [CHUCKLES]

In order to practice this, move your bow

in a counterclockwise direction.

Keep your hand moving right
with the tip of the bow.

For our next song,

"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,"

remember, posture is our
most important thing.

Set, play.

[VIOLIN SCREECHING]

[VIOLIN PLAYING OVER TV]

Did you hear that? I did it!

I don't think you did.

And now we see how it helps my science.

Hmm.

Hmm...

[GROANS]

Come on, think.

Probably needs more "Twinkle, Twinkle."

INSTRUCTOR: ... for learning new songs.

You can play them along with me.

[VIOLIN SCREECHING]

[SCREECHING CONTINUES]

What the hell is that?

Sheldon's learning to play the violin.

Oh. Well, that's unfortunate.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna go change.

Hey, Dad.

Can you believe I only
started playing today?

I really can.

[SCREECHING CONTINUES]

Hey, so there's something

I've been meaning to talk to you about.

Sure, what's up?

Now, before I say it, um,

I want to tell you a
story of another Mary.

Um... [CLEARS THROAT]

Okay, anytime...

GEORGE SR.: Are you kidding me?

Keep your voice down.

[WHISPERS]: Are you kidding me?

Look, I was a little thrown,
too, but Pastor Jeff said...

Pastor Jeff?

Pastor Jeff knows before me?

Well, yeah, I needed someone to talk to,

- and, you know, my mom...
- Your mom?

Shh!

Does the whole damn town know?

No. Just my mom and Pastor Jeff.

And maybe Brenda Sparks.

Probably Peg...

and whoever she told, but that is it.

Oh, is that it?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] SHELDON: Great news!

Not a good time, Sheldon.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] SHELDON:
But it's really important.

Ugh.

I figured out why the
violin worked for Einstein

and not for me.

I need to become a Jewish person.

- MARY: Sheldon, dinner!
- SHELDON: Coming.

Sorry I'm late. Shalom.

[SIGHS]

What's on your head?

- A yarmulke.
- A yama-what?

It's a special Jewish hat.

It reminds the wearer that
God is always over you.

[LAUGHING]

Mom.

Oh, come on, it's funny.

It's not funny and it's not a yarmulke.

It is a coaster I
crocheted at Bible camp.

Are you gonna say something to him?

Normally I would, but I got
bigger problems right now.

- Let's just say grace.
- SHELDON: Hold on.

Are these hot dogs kosher?

[LAUGHING, SNORTS]

[VIOLIN SCREECHING]

ADULT SHELDON: Over the next few days,

I continued to play the violin

in an effort to replicate the
mental prowess of Einstein.

I was asked to confine my
practice to the garage

by my father, mother,
sister and brother.

Meemaw was fine with me
practicing in the house,

but why would she care?
She doesn't live with us.

Hey, George.

Hey, Herschel.

Let me guess, you're here to complain

about Sheldon's violin playing.

Under normal circumstances,
I'd say yeah,

but since he started,

my chickens been dropping
eggs like crazy.

- That's weird.
- Hey, uh,

I hear congratulations are in order.

What's that you hear?

Maybe I didn't hear it. Never mind.

It's all right.

Seems like everybody knows.

You don't seem terribly enthusiastic.

[SIGHS]

It's the money, Herschel.

It's all about the money.

[SIGHS] Well, there's only
one solution to that.

Which is?

You got to make more money.

- Thank you.
- Welcome.

Hey, I got to ask,

did that fiddle playing increase
the fertility in all the females

around here or just my
chickens? [CHUCKLES]

I was just throwing it
out there, never mind.

Wait here, I'm-a go get you some eggs.

- That's okay.
- You're getting eggs.

Guess I'm getting eggs.

PETERSEN: All right, George,

- what's so damn important?
- Well...

I don't want to get into
the why's and wherefore's,

but I'm gonna need a raise.

Is this 'cause Mary's pregnant?

You got to be kidding me.

Does everybody in this damn
town know my business?

I just... it was taking a guess.

- Tom.
- My wife told me.

Doesn't matter. What do you say?

Are you threatening to
quit if you don't get it?

No, Tom, I'm threatening to rob a bank.

Okay. All right, well,
let's not do that.

$ a week do the trick?

Yes. Thanks. Bye.

[LINE RINGING]

RECEPTIONIST [OVER PHONE]: Temple Judea,

how can I help you?

Hello, I'd like to become Jewish.

Who would be in charge of that?

How old are you?

- I'm ten.
- Please hold.

["HAVA NAGILA" HOLD MUSIC PLAYS]

RABBI: Hello, this is
Rabbi Schneiderman.

To whom am I speaking?

Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper.

Hello, Sheldon. Um, how can I help you?

I'm currently a Baptist

and I'd like to convert to Judaism.

A Baptist named Sheldon.

Okay.

And why do you want to convert?

Very simple.

It's my intention to
become a great scientist

and I couldn't help but notice

most of the great scientists are Jewish,

so logic dictates it's
time to switch teams.

Well, I'm sure there are

many Baptist scientists
you could emulate.

That's kind of you to say,

but other than Cornelius
Drebbel in the s,

it's pretty slim pickings.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, Sheldon, you sound
like a very smart young man.

Oh, you have no idea.

Can I ask how your
parents feel about this?

Well, when I presented
them with my plan,

the words "over my dead body" were used.

[RABBI CHUCKLES]

I'm not surprised.

But they were similarly resistant

when I wanted to get an ant farm

and eventually they came around.

All right, here's what I'm
gonna tell you to do.

Read your Bible.

Already did, cover to cover.

- Really?
- Quiz me.

No, that's okay, I believe you.

All right, my advice to you

is to stay with the
faith of your parents.

- What else you got?
- Okay.

Then I'm gonna tell you

to be your own man.

But I want to be a great
scientist like Albert Einstein.

Sheldon,

when your days are over,

God will never ask you,

"Why weren't you Einstein?"

But he might ask you,

"Why weren't you Sheldon?"

[DOOR OPENS]

What's going on? You all right?

I'm not feeling great.

Is it a pregnant thing?

'Cause I got some good news on that.

I got a decent raise.

It doesn't matter.

What do you mean it doesn't matter?

We can pull this off now.

I lost the baby.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

You're probably relieved, huh?

Actually...

... no.

I love the first three.

Fourth one's a charm, right?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] SHELDON: Dad?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] SHELDON: Mom?

[SIGHS]

- Yeah, Shelly? [CLEARS THROAT]
- [DOOR OPENS]

I just thought you should know

I'm not going to be Jewish.

I'm going to remain the atheist
Baptist you've come to love.

Good to hear.

Are you crying?

[SIGHS]

Yeah, but don't worry,
everything's okay.

Good.

[EXHALES]

ADULT SHELDON: Once again,

I brought my mother so much joy

she was moved to tears.

I don't know how I do it.

[INTERCOM BEEPS]

RECEPTIONIST: Tom, George
Cooper's here for you.

Send him in.

Hey, Tom, you got a minute?

Pretty busy.

Make it quick.

It turns out I don't need that raise.

What happened, you win the lottery?

No, no.

Aw, George, I am so sorry.

Well, what can you do?

Listen, I cleared your raise already,

why don't you just keep the money.

- Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
- No.

No, I mean it. It's yours.

Okay.

Thanks. Bye.

Thank you, but I will no
longer be needing these.

You're giving up so soon? What happened?

- Did it hurt your fingers?
- No.

I'm following the advice of a
very wise Rabbi Schneiderman

from Temple Judea in Houston.

Is this another one of your jokes?

No. If it were a joke,
your mouth would be open

and the sound "ha-ha"
would be coming out.