02x19 - A Political Campaign and a Candy Land Cheater

[bunniefuu]

ADULT SHELDON: Not all
science is created equal.

There's physics, the
undisputed king of science.

There's chemistry. It's no physics,

but it's not a bad way
to pass a rainy afternoon.

And then there's biology,

the squishiest of the sciences.

Ugh!

Once you have deposited enough saliva

in the blue Benedict's solution,

we'll mix it

in the centrifuge.

After that, we'll pass it
through the spectrometer

to measure how much glucose is present.

And won't that be a party?

Sheldon.

[WHIRRING]

[HISSING, CLANGING]

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

It's warm. Oh, dear.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

And then there was some
extra money in the budget,

so I was able to order
those tackling dummies

I had my eye on.

I don't understand why
the football program gets

so much money, while the
equipment in the science lab

is outdated and falling apart.

Oh, I can explain that.

This is Texas.

Pass the ribs.

Well, it's not fair. It's a school.

Education should be their priority.

All right, I'll explain it again...

MEEMAW: I think Shelly's got a point.

The school is supposed
to prepare these kids

for the future. How many of 'em

are gonna be professional
football players?

No one at this table.

But how many of 'em
are gonna be scientists?

I know.

George, isn't there a
way they can take some

of the football money
and spend it on science?

Really? I need to explain it again?

You know, Moon Pie, in the
' s, when the hippies wanted

to change things, they
would just protest.

- You were a hippie?
- Oh, no.

But I wrote a letter
complaining about the hippies,

and the police chased 'em
right out of that park.

So my point is...

maybe you could write a letter.

Ooh! Maybe I can lodge
a formal complaint

with the school board about
the sports budget infringing

on the other departments.

Okay, last time:

Canada,

the other states,

us.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- [SHOUTS]
- [SHOUTS]

What are you doing, standing there?

I wrote a formal complaint
letter to the school board

on how much money is spent on football.

I was hoping you could
deliver it to them.

You do realize your
father's a coach here.

Yes, sir, I do.

Maybe you ought to talk
to him about this first.

I did.

He didn't care for the idea at all.

Well, there you go.

There I go what?

Let me see that.

[SIGHS]

"Barbaric sport...
encourages bloodlust similar

to Roman gladiator games...

Christians, lions...

money better spent on
science and learning."

You're joking, right?

Did you see the word "bazinga"
anywhere in that letter?

Out.

I'll just have to go over his head.

President Cooper.

That's serendipitous.

Hello.

- [GASPS]
- [SHOUTS]

What?

I understand that you're in
charge of student elections.

[EXHALES]

I am.

I'd like to run for class president.

Really?

Really.

Okay.

You can sign up, but
I have to warn you...

You'll be running
against Nell Cavanaugh.

So?

She's well-liked by the student body.

So?

These elections tend to be a
bit of a popularity contest.

- So?
- You're gonna make me say it, huh?

Say what?

People don't like you.

Well, as my meemaw likes to
say, water off a duck's back.

Elections shouldn't be about popularity.

They should be about
who has the best ideas.

And what's your idea?

Less money on football,

more on science.

Really.

Guess what. I'm running
for class president.

Good for you.

You're encouraging him?

He's gonna get destroyed.

You don't know that.

I feel like I do.

Well, whether you win or not,

I think it's great that you're trying.

But you think I'll win, right?

God's listening, Mom.

I think it's certainly possible.

Do you have a campaign strategy?

No.

Do you have a catchy slogan?

No.

Does he have a sh*t at winning?

No.

Hello, I'd like to speak
to the mayor, please.

My name is Sheldon Cooper.

I'm running for class president

and was hoping he could
give me some advice.

I'm ten years old.

But if it helps get him on the phone,

I'm well-behaved, a straight-A student,

and have impeccable hygiene.

- [BEEP]
- Hello.

This is Mayor Harrison.

I understand you are running for office.

Class president.

Do you have any advice on how to win?

The most important
thing is to get out there

and connect with people.

That's tricky.

I'm not terribly fond of people.

Well, you might need to get over that.

Assuming I can,

how do I connect with them?

A friendly handshake is a great start.

Oh, boy.

Now I have to touch them?

ADULT SHELDON: Over the next few days,

I mounted my campaign.

My name is Sheldon Cooper, and
I'm running for class president.

Okay.

Put her there.

Greetings, fellow students.

I'm running for class president.

Here's a button.

Have a grown-up put them on you.

They're sharp.

Hello.

I'm Sheldon Cooper,

and I'm running for class president.

- Yeah?
- I understand

you had a baby last year.

If you bring it in, I'll try to kiss it.

Vote Sheldon for class president.

Vote Sheldon for class president.

Vote Sheldon for class president.

Don't worry... It's a number two.

You can use it on standardized tests.

Okay.

And, of course, homework.

I love homework.

Well, it's so nice to finally meet you.

I'm Nell Cavanaugh.

My opponent.

I would shake your hand, but
my mom is washing my mittens.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

She was really nice.

She even said, "May
the best student win."

That's sweet.

This was a great idea.

Children like cupcakes,
and, by giving them cupcakes,

they'll transfer that affinity to me.

That's another way of looking at it.

By that reasoning, a rich person
could simply buy people's votes.

It's been known to happen.

Until my ship comes in,

I guess it's cupcakes.

Georgie, check it out.

Oh, man, I hate that he's doing this.

What? It's cute.

It's embarrassing.

I would think you'd be proud of him.

That's 'cause you're a
better person than me.

Maybe you ought to ask
God to take away your anger

and replace it with love.

Can I ask him to take
away my brother instead?

Georgie.

Not k*ll him...

Just strand him on an island somewhere.

A nice island,

with coconuts and stuff.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CHUCKLING]

Nell Cavanaugh,

it appears we're taking the mittens off.

Well, that's unfortunate.

Oh, this goes well beyond unfortunate.

It's flat-out unfair.

Did you not say that you love homework?

Of course I said it.
I say it all the time.

But she took it out of context
and is using it against me.

Well, that is what happens in politics.

People stretch the truth.

Well, those people are dirty dogs.

They certainly are.

Now, let me ask you something.

How bad do you want
to win this election?

Bad enough to let
kids shake my mitten.

Okay, then you need to toughen up.

Politics is not for the weak-kneed.

Are you suggesting that
I fight fire with fire?

I am.

So going to my room and crying
in my pillow is not an option?

It is not.

Then I have some thinking to do.

MISSY: Oh, yeah.

You're screwed.

Which is why I need your help.

Why me?

You're ruthless.

I've seen you cheat at Candy Land.

Thanks. Go on.

Well, I'd like to retaliate,

but I don't know anything about her.

Make something up.

Ooh, tell people she has head lice.

I won't resort to lying.

There's a Denise Cavanaugh in my class.

Could be her little sister.

So?

I'll see if I can dig
up something about Nell

you can use against her.

Thank you.

Georgie, I hate to have to ask this,

but are you going to vote for me?

No. Go away.

Are you sure?

If I win, I can make you a hall monitor.

Imagine the respect you'll get then.

Get lost.

GEORGE JR.: Lord, please take away
my anger toward my stupid brother.

My life is hard enough.

Don't let him be president.

And while we're talking,

Veronica... help me out.

Encourage her to do something
with me she'll regret.

Amen.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Remember,

tomorrow we'll be dissecting worms!

[GROANING]

Ah, your sadness makes me happy.

Mr. Givens, I just wanted you to know

that I'm still working
hard on my campaign

to get more funding for
the science department.

Oh, great, 'cause I've got to
dig up tomorrow's worms myself.

Anything you can do to help
me win a decisive victory

come Election Day would
be much appreciated.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Sheldon,

the faculty doesn't get
involved in student elections.

Oh, I understand.

You have to remain neutral. Wink, wink.

I'm sorry, wink, wink?

You want new science equipment
and I want that for you.

One hand washes the other. Wink, wink.

Oh, sure, wink, wink.

Now you're getting it. Wink, wink.

Wink, wink.

Wink, wink.

[SIGHS] That kid creeps me out.

ADULT SHELDON: Another hurdle in my
political career was glossophobia:

fear of public speaking.

I've been known to experience
dry mouth, perspiration,

heart palpitations, and fainting.

A similar response to what I experience

- around unleashed dogs.
- [LINE RINGING]

Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper.

Can I please speak with Pastor Jeff?

PEG [OVER PHONE]: Hold on. [COUGHING]

Hey, Sheldon, what can I do for you?

I need to give a speech at school,

but I have a fear of public speaking.

Since you give a sermon every Sunday,

I was hoping you'd have
some words of advice.

As a matter of fact, I do.

When I look down on my
congregation and I feel nervous,

I just ask the Lord to speak through me.

Like a ventriloquist?

Not exactly.

I think of it more as a...

Like one of the Muppets?

No, not that either.

'Cause you do look a little like Kermit.

Uh, okay, good luck to you, Sheldon.

Hello.

Dr. Sturgis. Can you give me any advice

on how to overcome a
fear of public speaking?

Ah, you know, when I was a young man

I had a terrible fear of
speaking to an audience.

What did you do?

Actually, it kinda took care of itself.

One day I was, uh,
playing miniature golf

with some colleagues and
I got struck by lightning.

Oh, dear. No, it was fine.

When I came to, I found
myself with the gift of gab.

Big crowds,

small crowds, you couldn't shut me up.

I don't see how that can benefit me.

Not unless you'd like me to
take you miniature golfing

next time there are
clouds on the horizon.

- Everything okay?
- No.

I have to give a speech in
front of the entire assembly.

Oh. Got a little stage fright?

Unfortunately so.

Just thinking about it causes
my bladder to misbehave.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I been there.

You have?

Sure.

When I first started coaching,

I was real nervous to talk to the team,

you know, give a locker room speech.

Then, one day it dawned on me,

I'm not just talking
to football players,

I'm talking to teenage football players.

Most of them aren't listening
to a word I'm saying.

That's an interesting perspective.

I'll tell you something else.

You don't give yourself enough
credit for how brave you are.

- I don't?
- No.

Sheldon, you are ten years
old, going to high school.

Everyone's older than you,
everyone's bigger than you,

but you keep at it, day after day.

That's brave.

Any kid who can do
that could give a speech

to the United Nations if he had to.

Thanks, Dad.

I heard what you said in there.

- That was very beautiful.
- Thanks.

I gave a similar speech
to my team last week.

Boy, did we get our asses kicked.

ADULT SHELDON: Emboldened
by my father's pep talk,

I began working on my speech.

I aspired to walk in the footsteps

of history's greatest orators:

Socrates, Winston Churchill,

and, last but not
least, Professor Proton.

Hey, I spoke to Nell's sister.

Found out some interesting stuff.

Thanks, but I've decided I
don't want to stoop to her level.

If I can't win on the
quality of my ideas,

then I'd rather lose
with my head held high.

That's really stupid,

but in case you change your mind...

All right, y'all have heard

from your secretary candidates,
your treasurer candidates,

your vice presidents...

It's time for the big finale,

the closing event, the headliners...

Nell Cavanaugh and Sheldon Cooper.

One of these two will be
president of your class,

so listen to what they've
got to say and choose wisely,

which will be a whole new
experience for most of you.

Remember, heckling
will get you detention.

- STUDENT: Bite me!
- [LAUGHTER]

Bryan Larkin, two days!

You want to try for a week?

I didn't think so.

Nell, floor is yours.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

STUDENTS: Nell!

[WHOOPING]

Thank you, Ms. MacElroy,

Principal Petersen, our
hard-working teachers,

and my fellow students.

I'm blessed to call
so many of you friends.

Y'all probably know
everything about me already.

Lord knows I love to talk. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER]

So instead of going on about myself,

I'd like to talk to
you about my opponent.

Sheldon Cooper has been lobbying

for new science equipment
here at Medford High,

and while that sounds
wonderful, the truth is,

he thinks our school wastes
its money on football.

[STUDENTS BOOING]

Do we really want a class president

who doesn't care about football?

STUDENTS: No!

I know I am proud to be a
Medford High cheerleader,

and I love football!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

But you know the one thing

I love more than football?

God.

[STUDENTS AFFIRMING]

[APPLAUSE]

Let me tell you another interesting fact

about my opponent.

Did you know that Sheldon
Cooper is an atheist?

- [STUDENTS GASPING]
- That's right.

He doesn't believe in God.

Just keep that in mind

when you cast your vote today.

I'm Nell Cavanaugh. Go Wolves!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

And now, please welcome Sheldon Cooper.

♪

[WHISPERING]: No one would fault
you if you ran out the back door.

♪

[QUIETLY]: Nell
Cavanaugh is... a Yankee.

[GASPING]

She may love football
and she may love God,

but she was born in Scarsdale.

That's in New York.

[GASPING, BOOING]

There's more.

My opponent didn't move to Texas
until she was seven years old.

In fact, in her bedroom

there's a pennant for
the New York Yankees.

[STUDENTS JEERING]

While I may not be a fan

of organized religion or sports,

I promise, if you vote
for me, I'll do my best

to get new science
equipment for our school.

Uh...

Don't mess with Texas!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[CHANTING]: Sheldon! Sheldon! Sheldon!

Sheldon! Sheldon! Sheldon! Sheldon!

Sheldon! Sheldon! Sheldon!

Sheldon! Sheldon!

[WHOOPING, WHISTLING]

[MUSICAL NOTES PLAYING]

ADULT SHELDON: Before I
became Dr. Sheldon Cooper,

I was President Sheldon Cooper.

And I don't mind telling you,

they both look pretty darn
good on business cards.

One of my first responsibilities

as class president

was delivering the
morning announcements.

Please rise for the
Pledge of Allegiance.

I pledge allegiance to the Flag...

SHELDON AND CLASS: Of the
United States of America...

SHELDON AND GEORGE SR.: And to
the Republic for which it stands...

One Nation...

Here's a fun fact about
the next two words:

"Under God" wasn't added
to the Pledge of Allegiance

until .

My first act as your president

is to remove the words
"under God" from the Pledge

in order to honor

the separation of church and state

in this public high school.

PETERSEN: Okay, that's enough.

SHELDON: You can't take my microphone.

- I'm the president.
- [WHISPERING]: Thank you.

PETERSEN: All right,
let's try this again.

I pledge allegiance to the Flag...

PETERSEN AND CLASS: Of the
United States of America,

and to the Republic
for which it stands...

One Nation

under God,

indivisible, with liberty
and justice for all.