02x04 - Kathy Kan-a-Rooney

[bunniefuu]

Don't look at me, Dr. P.

I've been wearing mine for a week.

- Cranissaa!

- (Grunts)

That's splat.

He's my dojo partner.

To keep our fighting instincts razor-sharp, we att*ck each other at random moments.

We call them...

Also known as "Cranissaa"...

Which can be confusing 'cause there's a girl in our class named Clarissa.

You got him good, splat.

Right, did you see his face?

He was like, "ee-oo-er-fer... doy!"

Hey, I don't say, "doy!"

But sadly, everything else is accurate.

You know what, that was my underwear.

Then whose are these?

(Theme music playing)

♪ Better in stereo ♪

♪ b... b... better in stereo ♪

- ♪ I'm up with the sunshine ♪

- ♪ Let's go ♪

- ♪ I lace up my high tops ♪

- ♪ Oh no ♪

♪ slam dunk, ready or not ♪

♪ yeah, show me what you got ♪

- ♪ I'm under the spotlight ♪

- ♪ Holler ♪

♪ I dare you, come on and follow ♪

♪ you dance to your own b*at ♪

♪ I'll sing the melody ♪

♪ when you say yea-ah-ah ♪

♪ I say no-oh-oh ♪

♪ when you say stop ♪

♪ all I want to do is go go go ♪

♪ you you, the other half of me me ♪

♪ the half I'll never be-e ♪

♪ the half that drives me crazy ♪

♪ you you, the better half of me me ♪

♪ the half I'll always need ♪

♪ but we both know ♪

♪ we're better in stereo. ♪

Ah!

(Gasps)

Sorry, Joey.

Liv, chill.

What is wrong with you?

Okay, international teen sensation Kathy Kan is coming here today.

(High-pitched scream)

And that is the last one of those.

The Kathy Kan?

The Korean pop star?

Yeah, you know who she is?

Are you kidding?

I eat lunch with her every day.

Wow!

You have a Kathy Kan lunchbox.

Uh-huh.

I won it in a heated online fanboy auction.

I did have to trade my collection of "hobbit" dress socks, but it was worth it.

Well, she is going to be here all week to study me as an actress.

They're redoing ♪ "sing it loud" ♪

In Korea and she's been cast to play Stephanie Einstein the character that I created on the original ♪ "sing it loud." ♪

So you know, if you could just like be cool.

Liv, are you kidding?

They call me the ice man.

(High-pitched screaming)

Kathy Kan!

It's Kathy Kan!

(Muffled shouts)

(Pop music playing)

♪ Who can? Kathy Kan can ♪

♪ Who can? ♪

♪ Kathy Kan can ♪

♪ Who can? Kathy Kan can. ♪

Okay, I want my own theme song.

What?

♪ Who lives? ♪

♪ Livvy Liv lives. ♪

I'll keep working on it.

Wait, what?

You're just giving these away?

I am so excited you're here.

I am such a big fan.

Are you kidding me?

Liv Rooney, I'm a huge fan of yours.

I'm so excited for this week it's gonna be totally...

Both: Sparkle-riffic.

(Shrieks)

Okay, you are signing all of these and I am getting my "hobbit" socks back.

Also, I like your bow.

Welcome to America.

Oh, boom!

Ha!

Even with a hurt knee I am destroying you in horse.

I even gave you a huge head start and started myself off with h-o-r-s, and all you had to do was make one sh*t.

But, uh, you're about to lose again.

I have never beaten Maddie at anything that requires athletic ability.

I know.

Shocking.

Yeah, all right.

Whatever.

It went in.

It did?!

I mean...

(Clears throat)

Yeah, whatever.

Of course it did.

Okay, but I mean, you couldn't make that sh*t again even if you tried.

Oh, I don't have to make it.

You do.

(Clears throat)

(Chuckles)

Okay.

(Glass shatters)

That's h-o-r-s-e.

I b*at Maddie!

You know what?

Let's go again.

'Cause I want a rematch.

No, no, no.

I'm retired from basketball...

Forever.

I'm just gonna ride off into the sunset on my horse, which is spelled h-o-r-s-e.

Oh, wait.

You already knew that.

(Whinnies)

TV theme song: ♪ pink, pink, pink ♪

♪ girls, girls, girls ♪

♪ glitter, glitter, glitter ♪

♪ twirls, twirls, twirls ♪

♪ together forever ♪

- ♪ we're Linda ♪

- ♪ And Heather ♪

♪ best friends! ♪

"Linda and Heather" is my favorite show.

It's about two girls who are best friends but always wind up in crazy hijinks.

My dojo bros think it's for girls.

Okay, pink and glitter, maybe.

But twirls are for everyone.

Oh, hey, splat.

(Whispering)

Hey, Mrs. Rooney.

Is Parker home?

Yeah, he's in the living room, splat.

Why are you carrying a club?

I'm going to Cranissaa Parker.

Okay, just don't cra-break anything.

(Laughs)

Heather: Linda, I told you, I don't need your help getting Harvey.

I wish you'd never come home.

What?

No, don't say that, Heather.

She's your bestie!

You're watching "Linda and Heather"?

What?

Uh, no.

Cranissaa!

Parker, dude, that show's for girls.

Okay, I was flipping channels, saw the diabolical younger brother blowing stuff up, and forgot to change it once the girls came on.

Technically, that's a true story.

It's just I've been forgetting to change the channel for two years now.

No way, you recorded the whole season.

Before I knew how awful it was.

I mean, it's not like I like the show.

I love the show.

Then I guess you'll have no problem deleting them all.

Yeah, sure, I'll delete them.

No problem.

You mean now?

I feel like I just lost my best friend...

And her best friend.

(Gasps)

The Liv Rooney diva board?

The legend is true.

Ooh.

I have a special little surprise for you.

(Clears throat, inhales deeply)

(Singing in Korean)

"Sing it loud," in Korean!

Yeah!

(Speaking Korean)

That means, "thanks, sweet mama."

Okay, seriously though, how did you learn to speak such perfect English?

By watching you play Stephanie Einstein on ♪ "sing it loud!" ♪

Ugh, I cannot wait to teach you how to play her.

She is such a lovable airhead.

Yes, make me smart about how to be dumb.

Okay, so capturing Stephanie is a threefold process.

One, sing and look cute as a button...

check and check...

and two, ability to deliver snappy one-liners.

So here's an example from episode , ready?

(Breathes deeply)

"I am so done with you. We are in a text-only relationship until further notice."

Got it.

Episode .

"When I say I won't tell anyone, I've already told everyone."

Okay, hit me.

What's the third key to Stephanie?

Okay, are you ready?

The ability to pretty cry.

(Clears throat)

(Gasps, sighs)

(Whimpers)

Got it.

(Wailing)

(Sobbing)

Oh, okay.

That cry is not that pretty.

I knew it.

Kathy can't!

Kathy can't!

Kathy can't!

You're better than this Kathy!

(Laughs nervously)

Now, you're a fun little whackadoo.

Um, but honestly, don't be too hard on yourself.

I mean, I didn't get the pretty cry till like halfway through season one.

(Laughs)

Um, so let's just make this week a fun week, yeah?

Perfect, we'll hang out with all your friends and be all real-girl normal.

Yeah, um, so...

Slight truth b*mb time.

Um, ever since I moved back it's been a little hard to make friends.

Please don't judge me, I'm trusting you with my super-secret shame.

No, it's okay.

I totally get it.

Ever since I hit number one in Korea with my first single, "happy sugar fun time"...

It's been hard for me to make friends, too.

Well, then maybe...

We can just be real-girl normal together.

Do you know how to do that?

No, I have no idea.

Oh, but you know what?

We can ask Maddie.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

(Pounding)

Joey, get back out here right now and give me a rematch before I rip your eyebrows off and feed them to you!

(Loud thud)

Yeah, so maybe we won't ask Maddie.

Okay!

(Loudly)

Join the real-girl normal club.

(Loudly)

Wow, don't mind if I do.

That sounds like a club for girls like us.

(Squeals)

Let the friend feeding frenzy begin.

Yeah!

And so, superintendent kneebauer, I have really relaxed the rules on hallway posters.

Let the kids express themselves.

This hallway looks like a funhouse.

Exactly.

It is fun to get your education on.

A what, what?

Man versus zombie versus squirrel?

A what, what where you thinking?

Instead of promoting you, maybe I should have moved you into the cafeteria.

No, I cook all day at home.

I cannot do it here.

Then show me you're ready.

A new vice principal needs to take control.

Copy that.

All right, everybody, take these posters down, now!

If I see one poster up after : pm, you will see me in detention!

I am vice principal, you will fear me!

Better?

I'm still picturing you in a hairnet.

(Both chuckle)

Can you believe that crazy woman?

Yeah, that crazy woman is my mom.

Um, but yeah, she better watch it.

The last vice principal we had was super strict and kids were always pranking him.

(Gasps)

Are you saying we should prank her?

(Chuckles)

No.

I could never prank my mom.

People love pranksters.

It's got real-girl normal written all over it.

You're not wrong.

She may have torn down our posters, but the real-girl normal club lives on.

Let's do this.

Both: ♪ ooh, ooh! Oom! ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh! Oom! ♪

Hey, mads, what you up to?

Besides not b*ating me at basketball.

(Joey chuckles

You remember that?

I do.

I could not live in a world where Joey beats Maddie,

so I had to defeat him at something... anything.

Clearly though it was not going to be t-shirt making, 'cause he's the master.

Oh, wow.

Look at that.

What a shame, there is only one waffle left.

Hm...

What do you think, you care to fence me for it?

Sorry, mads.

I have retired from all competition.

Enjoy your waffle.

My victory sustains me.

See you at school.

Oh, by the way, there's an extra one of these on your bed.

(Rock guitar playing)

What's up, my dudes?

Y'all want to hit the weights after this and get yoked?

I was hoping splat forgot about "Linda and Heather" but just in case, I wanted to reintroduce him to my man-ness.

I got the idea from an episode of "Linda and Heather."

Where's splat?

Need to talk to him about guy stuff...

you know, karate, lightning bolts, cannons.

Cranissaa!

(Screams)

Epic Cranissaa, brah.

Want to talk gator wrestling or go break something?

Dude, are you being all weird 'cause I caught you watching...

I don't know what you're talking about.

But are you gonna be cool about what we're not talking about?

Parkster, I would never say a word about...

(Whispers)

"Linda and Heather."

Bros before shows.

Thanks, splat.

I'm gonna go warm up.

♪ Pink, pink, pink ♪

♪ girls, girls, girls ♪

♪ glitter, glitter, glitter ♪

♪ twirls, twirls, twirls ♪

-

♪ together, forever ♪

- (Laughing)

- ♪ We're Linda ♪

- ♪ And Heather ♪

♪ best friends! ♪

During the most humiliating moment of my life, I gotta admit, that song kind of chased my blues away.

Ready to get your prank on?

I've got industrial strength glue and an appetite for mischief.

B.T. Dubs, you look amaz in your sneaky-sneak outfit.

Aww, thank you.

You look redizzle.

Both: Double selfie!

(Shutters clicking)

Mom said no posters on the walls.

I sure hope she likes 'em glued to her office floor.

Well, we had to put them somewhere.

There's no room on the walls, with a desk glued to it.

Excellent prank, miss Kan.

Why thank you, miss Rooney.

Both: ♪ ooh, ooh! Oom! ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh! Oom! ♪

Okay, let's get out of here before anybody sees us.

(Laughs)

(Clears throat)

Ha!

What's wrong with this door?

I glued it.

You said glue everything.

What?!

No no no no no.

I glued the windows, too.

I'm very thorough, it's one of my things.

I also do calligraphy.

(Sighs)

Okay, Kathy...

This is my mom's office, right?

If she catches us, she's gonna glue me to the wall!

We just have to hide the evidence.

We need a better plan.

What would Stephanie Einstein do?

I'm pretty sure she would pretty cry, but I don't think I have any pretty left in me.

(Both wailing)

Parker, there are a couple of friends here to see you.

Hi, Linda!

Do you think any boys watch our show?

No, Heather.

Why would they?

It's not for boys, it's for girls!

We b*rned him, splat.

Yeah, we did.

Boom, chicken soup.

Okay, yep.

You guys got me.

Wait a second.

"Boom, chicken soup."

That's a very odd expression, where'd you hear that?

Uh, duh, it's Linda's catchphrase.

Boom, chicken soup!

Nobody would know that unless they watch "Linda and Heather."

You guys watch it, too.

Boom, chicken busted.

(Boys laughing)

I thought I was the only guy that watched it.

It's funny.

It has a lot of heart.

Hey, you guys can stop laughing.

Yeah, that's right.

I watch "Linda and Heather."

That's my truth.

Those gals make me laugh and that makes me feel alive.

So why do we tease each other for loving something that's funny?

Who made up the rule that boys can't like a show about girls?

The shame stops today.

If you're with me.

Say it loud and say it proud.

- Boom!

- Both: Chicken soup!

- I said boom!

- Both: Chicken soup!

"Linda and Heather" now, "Linda and Heather" tomorrow, and "Linda and Heather" forever!

Both: Best friends!

(All cheering)

Friends, rocketeers, online gaming warriors.

You stand on the very court where I defeated Maddie Rooney.

My sh*t bounced off the ground here, hit the wall, and went directly into the net.

If you are unclear on what the net is, it is the white thingy hanging from the red thingy.

Guys, it's like when they blew up the death star.

Oh!

(Maddie loudly clears throat)

Joseph Rooney.

It is time for you to face me.

Maddie, I told you.

I have retired from all competition.

Oh, really?

You're telling me in front of all your friends in the rocket club, that you're afraid to face me in a challenge?

Even one that involves your home court... the periodic table of elements.

(Crowd gasps)

Chemistry challenge accepted.

You just signed your death warrant.

Let's dance, princess.

Cobalt.

Iridium.

Child's play.

Palladium.

Platinum, my seventeenth favorite element.

And then "au" which is for gold, which is what they give to winners!

(Groans)

Yeah!

Tic-tac-Joe-y

♪ oh, I b*at Joey, you know it ♪

♪ Doing a victory dance to show it, what? ♪

- What?

No.

- Yeah.

That wasn't the game.

We were filling in all the elements.

Maybe you were.

I personally was making everything right with the universe.

So I b*at Joey.

Bam, what?

Oh, no.

What do we do?

This is all my fault.

Why did I drag you into this?

I'm not a prankster.

Kathy can't!

Kathy can't!

Kathy can't!

Kathy...

Could you please melt down just like a little more quietly, I'm trying to figure out a way out of here.

Sorry.

(Whispering)

Kathy can't.

Kathy can't.

Kathy can't.

Oh!

Oh, I got it.

Do you remember the blizzard episode of ♪ "sing it loud"? ♪

Duh.

"Someone picked the wrong day to wear open-toed snow boots."

Exactly.

Stephanie and gunner were trapped in the school basement but they got out by...

Climbing through the vents!

Liv Rooney you're a genius.

Boom.

Okay, let's go.

I think maybe if you just like, leg up.

Just like high kick into it.

So as you can see, nothing but pristine walls and respect.

(Chuckles)

So far, so adequate.

(Metal creaking)

(Screaming)

(Grunts)

(Coughing)

- You know what?

- Yeah?

That could have been so much worse.

We could have landed in the boys bathroom.

(Both shudder)

Ugh, boy stench.

Okay, let's go.

Liv.

I'm sorry.

I thought pulling a prank would help us both make some friends.

(Chuckles)

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure I made one.

Me too.

Okay, I'm totally in this moment, but how does your makeup look so perfect after falling through the ceiling?

(Giggles)

Oh, Kathy...

There are just some secrets that even friends don't share.

Let's go.

Oh!

(Laughs nervously)

I can explain.

You see, we have a ghost at ridgewood.

He comes in..

congratulations, Rooney.

They detest you.

My first year they filled my car with live chickens.

You are officially a vice principal.

(Sighs)

Oh!

Whoo.

Welcome to the club.

What, what?

You guys ready?

Yeah, let me just get comfortable.

Ah, I'm such a Heather.

No way, dude.

You're a total Linda.

All: ♪ pink, pink, pink ♪

♪ Girls, girls, girls ♪

♪ Glitter, glitter, glitter ♪

♪ Twirls, twirls, twirls ♪

♪ Together forever ♪

♪ We're Linda and Heather ♪

♪ Best friends! ♪

Being able to enjoy "Linda and Heather" with my friends felt good.

Boys aren't just a bunch of anim...

Cranissaa!

(Chuckles)

You laid him out, splat.

Boom, chicken soup.