08x18 - My Kinda People and the Big To-Do

[bunniefuu]

Who else would like to share?

How 'bout our newcomer?

- I'm good.

- You sure?

- Yeah.

- Last call.

Okay.

Yeah.

- Bonnie, alcoholic.

- OTHERS: Hi, Bonnie.

I just got some terrible news today.

I almost don't want to share it, 'cause, God, it's just too much.

But I've been taught that, when we share, we cut our pain in half, so here goes.

I am getting royally boned by Uncle Sam.

Ever since I started the business with Tammy, they're coming after me for Social Security taxes, withholding taxes, and then there's FICA.

Who the hell is this FICA guy?

I didn't go legit for this kind of shakedown.

I'm just putting it out there.

I might have to leave the country.

I'm thinking Papua New Guinea.

Thank you.

Would you like some burnt coffee?

Stale cookies?

Anything?

- Still good.

- Still not buying it.

- WENDY: Who would like to go next?

- I'll go.

- Jill, alcoholic.

- OTHERS: Hi, Jill.

I'm only four months into this pregnancy, and I am peeing like a broken sprinkler.

The other day, I was craving hot wings, but the place didn't have a bathroom, so I had to swallow my pride and tinkle behind a dumpster.

I look up and I'm staring at a security camera, but I was already committed, so I just waved.

Mm.

Damn it.

Here it goes again.

Excuse me.

Okay, who's next?

- Tammy, alcoholic.

- OTHERS: Hi, Tammy.

Yeah, my life is really good right now.

Um, not only has my business with Bonnie taken off, but I'm dating a guy who's sweet and funny and supportive.

And the best part is he doesn't have roommates, so we can make all the noise we want.

I only complained when you scared my cats.

Mm.

Anyway, I'm just really grateful.

(chuckles) You know, I mean, I think it's true, what we say here...

Don't leave before the miracle.

(groans softly)

Okay, I'll go.

- Hi.

Marjorie, alcoholic.

- OTHERS: Hi, Marjorie.

I just had the most wonderful weekend

- babysitting my granddaughter.

- Ooh.

I know every grandmother feels this way, but I really think she might be a genius.

I did that really cute thing where you go, "Whoops, I got your nose." And she knew immediately it was not her nose.

Hey.

How ya doing?

You only got the one question, huh?

Actually, I have two.

Can I buy you a cup of coffee?

What is it with you people and coffee?

Well, it's the only drug we have left, so we abuse it.

What do you say?

Fine.

- Let me just grab my keys.

- Okay.

Hey!

Hey!

Oh, I just bought these shoes.

Hey!

Why are you running?!

Why are you chasing me?!

I don't know!

A little voice is telling me to!

You hear voices?

I know it sounds bad, but... yeah.

- I hear voices, too.

- What do yours say?

If I don't drink before noon, I don't have a problem.

I had that one, too.

It's easy fix.

Just... throw all your clocks out.

- So what do you think?

Coffee?

- Fine.

I give up.

Ah, good.

- 'Cause that's the first step.

- (chuckles) - Are those shoes suede?

- Not anymore.

Shannon, this is Marjorie, Tammy, Jill, Wendy.

- OTHERS: Hi.

- Say our names back.

- What?

- No, I'm screwing with you.

I didn't know Wendy's name for, like, eight months.

- You called me Wanda.

- Mm.

I liked it.

So, Shannon, was tonight your first meeting?

- (chuckles) Was it that obvious?

- OTHERS: Yes.

Why'd you leave?

(sighs) I don't have anything in common with you guys.

I mean, you don't know what real problems are.

(laughing)

What is so funny?

I guarantee, whatever problems you have, someone at this table has either had 'em or made 'em much worse.

That's...

So you lost your kid in a custody battle?

Who needs a custody battle?

I actually lost my kid.

Couldn't find her for, like, two years.

That's awful.

No, it's fine.

I found her, we're both sober and we love each other.

- So where is she?

- She moved.

But my point is my point.

Yeah, well...

(sighs)

you're probably not gonna end up in jail,

- which I might.

- Tammy, you have the floor.

Seven years hard time for armed robbery.

I don't want to make this a competition, but I also did time.

- You did easy time.

- Don't tell me what kind of time I did.

What else you got?

My-my mother kicked me out when she caught me sleeping with her drug dealer.

- Oh, mothers.

- (others groan)

- (chuckles)

- Mine abandoned me.

- Mm, mine k*lled herself.

- Mine was m*rder*d by my father.

I had two moms, and I had to pretend one of them was my sister.

I have to sit out this round.

My mother was an angel.

A-Anyway...

(sighs)

- now I'm basically homeless.

- Oh, I'm back in.

- Lived in a box.

- Lived in a car.

Lived in a tree.

I never lived in less than , square feet, but, at the end, I was just drinking alone in my closet.

Probably a mistake to put a bar in there.

So what was all that happy crap in the meeting?

- We all got better.

- And so can you.

Shannon, I really want to hear the rest of your story, but my baby's stomping on my bladder.

Move it, Wanda.

Give me your phone.

- Why?

- Just give it to me.

(sighs)

This is my number.

Call me anytime, especially if you think you're gonna drink or use.

Okay.

You got a place to sleep tonight?

Oh, I got a friend who owes me.

- Is it your mother's drug dealer?

- Maybe.

Is there a plan B?

I could go back to my mom's.

She's a happy drunk.

It's the meth that makes her mean.

Mm.

Sounds like my kinda people.

- She's a bitch from hell.

- Yeah, my kind of people.

(commentator speaking on TV) (keys jangle)

(exhales) Hey.

I told you to take an umbrella.

Yeah.

After the meeting, we took a newcomer out for coffee.

It was so great.

- She gonna make it?

- Who knows?!

But there's nothing like talking to a train wreck to remind you that you have no real problems.

Good for you.

Listen, we need to talk.

Oh, my God.

You're leaving me.

Who is she?

I will k*ll her.

No, I won't k*ll her.

I'll be her friend.

I'll be your friend.

We'll learn to coexist.

Maybe even have a podcast about how well we get along.

Slow down.

- I'm not leaving you.

- Well...

(scoffs) then open with that.

In fact, from now on, instead of "Hi, honey," start with "I'm not leaving you."

- May I please speak?

- God, yes.

I'm spent.

I have been less than honest about something.

I knew it.

We're broke.

This is all a house of cards!

Bonnie...

Maybe I can get my money back from FICA.

- Bonnie!

- What?!

Tell me already!

I had a check-up a couple of weeks ago, and... the doctor said I had something on my chest X-ray.

W-Wh...

No, that can't be right.

You haven't smoked in, like, years.

Yeah, but I smoked like you drank.

Anyway, so I had to go and get a PET scan.

Wait, you...

Wh-Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to freak you out.

Oh, my God!

I'm too young to be a widow!

I have an appointment with the oncologist tomorrow to discuss my options.

I was hoping you'd go with me.

Please say no.

Of course I'm going with you.

You're my husband.

Richer or poorer, sickness and health, till death do us...

- (crying)

- It's all gonna be okay.

You'll see.

Is it weird that I really want a cigarette right now?

(phone rings)

(groans) It's the middle of the night.

It's : .

So we agree.

What's going on?

Adam might have cancer.

Oh, honey.

Yeah.

There was a spot on his lung, and he didn't tell me about it, the rat bastard.

I'm sure he was just trying to protect you.

Well, I didn't call you so you could defend him.

Sorry.

I'm going with him to the doctor tomorrow morning.

- (beeping) - Uh, uh, hang on.

- Somebody's calling me.

- In the middle of the night?

- Hello?

- SHANNON: Bonnie?

Yeah.

Who's this?

- (banging) - Uh, it's-it's Shannon.

Hey.

Everything okay?

(exhales) You-you said to call if I wanted to drink.

JOLENE: That money in the coffee can was my emergency fund!

It was money you stole from me!

Only 'cause it's an emergency!

Being out of dr*gs - is not an emergency!

- (grunts) Oh, that's just crazy talk.

Now open the freakin' door!

Uh, uh, uh, Shannon, I'm on the other line.

Can you hold one second?

Okay, I'm back.

Hang on.

Boz Scaggs threw up.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Boz, who gave you carrots?

I'm sorry.

I'm here.

Go ahead.

I am trying to hold it together for him, but I'm-I'm really scared.

Well, it'd be crazy if you weren't.

All you have to do is be there for him and... and do the next right action.

I guess that's going to the doctor.

Then that's what you do.

- (beeping)

- (sighs) Now what?

Uh, yeah, hang on, Marjorie.

I'm kind of in the middle of something, Jill.

Guess who's getting married.

- We are!

- We are!

That's great!

I'm so happy for you!

Listen, I'm on another call.

Can I call you right back?

I'll make it quick.

We've both been married before and done the big to-do, so, this time, we're just gonna keep it simple.

Yeah, city hall, right next to the police station.

So we already got a parking spot.

I'll be there.

Great. : tomorrow.

T-Tomorrow?

Well, I've got the perfect outfit picked out, but it won't fit if we wait much longer.

Bring Adam.

It can't just be me and women.

Ugh.

Tomorrow's gonna be tough.

Can you hold?

Hmm.

Well, I was expecting a little more enthusiasm.

Yeah, no kidding.

Try Tammy.

Uh, help me out here, Shannon.

What's going on with your mom?

- She's out of her mind.

- (loud knocking)

- You got to talk to her.

- Well, I guess I can.

Is she high?

You tell me.

JOLENE: Shannon, you need to open the door before the FBI gets here!

- (knocking)

- There's no FBI!

Don't you hear the helicopters?

- (knocking)

- That's the ceiling fan!

(yelling) Drop that can!

- I'm gonna have to call you back.

- Good I don't know who I'm talking to.

Who's there?

It's me, Marjorie.

Great news.

Jill's getting married!

Oh, that's wonderful!

- Oh, Bonnie, guess what?

- Jill's getting married.

- How'd you know?

- Good night, Marjorie.

Mm, mm.

Mm, mm, mm.

What?

The water in the t*nk...

It's filthy.

You sure you trust this guy with your lungs?

- Please sit down.

- (mutters)

Calling the aquarium police?

The newcomer I was telling you about.

Uh, straight to voicemail.

Shannon, it's Bonnie.

I hope you're okay.

Uh, I'm going to the : meeting at the Community Center tonight if you want to meet me there.

Okay, well, talk soon.

Hmm.

Look at you.

You're taking care of me, you're taking care of this Shannon, you're even taking care of the fish.

Well, the poor things look like they're swimming in apple juice.

You're not the same woman I met five years ago.

(door opens)

The doctor will see you now.

You need to clean the t*nk.

Look at us on the same team.

I got to tell you, I did not care for your doctor.

- I think he could sense that.

- Mm.

years of school doesn't make you the smartest guy in the room.

I sure hope he was the smartest guy in the room.

Well, despite his reluctance to give my opinion the same weight as his own, I am optimistic.

Really?

I'm a little numb.

Understandable.

The good news is we caught it early, it's very treatable, and we have steps to take, and we will take them.

You keep saying "we." Yeah, 'cause we are in this together.

You, me and Dr.

Arrogant von Smug.

It's real simple.

We just do the next right action.

You're amazingly calm through all this.

I'm good in a crisis.

Always was, even when I was the crisis.

(laughs)

Uh, I'm glad you were there today.

Me too.

Hey, should we stop and get Jill and Andy a gift?

Hell, no.

You can't tell someone you're getting married tomorrow and expect an insta-pot.

- (car horn honks)

- Are you kidding me?

Ugh!

Bonnie...

The light just turned green, and you're leaning on the horn?

Bonnie, come on.

Just go, just go.

- (horn toots)

- Okay, that's it.

What are you doing?

- What... ?

- I keep a Louisville Slugger

- in the trunk.

- Bonnie, no!

Please.

Let's just go to the wedding.

(groans softly)

It's your lucky day, Grandma!

(sighs)

So, next Tuesday's the biopsy, and we will take it from there.

What a lovely courthouse.

Not if you're wearing an orange jumpsuit.

- Are you nervous?

- Are you kidding me?

You're way out of my league, I knocked you up.

I'm taking a victory lap.

- Oh, sorry, sorry.

- Oh.

Oh.

Hey, it's okay.

- Mmm.

- Mmm.

We still got time.

I am so happy for you.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

Oh, thanks, and-and sorry for the late notice.

Oh, no, no, the timing was perfect.

I needed a wedding today.

- How'd it go?

- Good.

We'll talk later.

I couldn't find a place to park.

It's okay.

They haven't called our name yet.

On my way in, I saw that newcomer.

Shannon?

Yeah.

She and another woman were trying to kick out the back window of a cop car.

Oh, no.

May I speak with the bride for a moment?

- Hey, how you doing, Your Honor?

- Do we know each other?

Tammy Diffendorf.

I robbed a steakhouse.

You gave me four to six years.

I did seven.

Okay.

Mm.

I'm sober now.

I got a business, got a truck, got a boyfriend.

It's fairly new, but I feel good about it.

- All right.

Nice to see you.

- Yeah, back atcha!

(sighs) That was awesome!

Okay.

Um, Andy, honey, could you do us a teeny-weenie little favor?

Uh...

Dude, from this day forward, the answer is "yes." to share...

Are you gonna take Andy's last name?

I don't know.

(clears throat)

It's Pepper.

It is?

You're marrying Sergeant Pepper?

(laughing)

Oh, get this.

His brother is a doctor.

(laughter)

Oh, look.

The flower girls are here.

What are you doing?!

I didn't mean bring 'em to the wedding.

They were released into my custody.

What was I supposed to do...

Take them out for ice cream?

You never took me out for ice cream.

That's 'cause ice cream is for good girls.

Oh, okay, hey, hey, knock it off, or I'll lock you back up with the hookers.

Uh, Jill Kendall and Andrew Pepper?

Oh.

Here!

Do not ruin my special day.

Thank you for helping them.

Yeah.

The old one bit me.

- Are you ready?

- Are you kidding?

Look at me.

We are gathered here in the presence of witnesses for the purpose of uniting in matrimony Jill Kendall and Andrew Pepper.

The contract of marriage is most solemn, and it's not to be undertaken lightly.

JOLENE: Your life?

What about my life?

You never...

JOLENE: You never let me.

(clears throat) Just keep going.

By entering into this marriage, you are pledging yourselves to a lifetime in which...

Should we call the police?

- I am the police.

- Yeah, you are.

- (indistinct shouting)

- each will enrich the life of the other.

Should we put a stop to this?

Oh, look at her.

She's pregnant, she's happy.

Leave it alone.

Anyway, that's where we're at.

And you've been sitting on this all day?

Well, I didn't want to ruin her wedding.

It's not something borrowed, something blue, something cancerous.

Don't worry.

Adam's in good hands.

He'll get through this.

So will you.

We'll be there every step of the way.

Damn straight.

Mmm.

What are we hugging about?

Your wedding and how happy we are for you and nothing else.

I had a feeling.

Aren't you supposed to be on your honeymoon?

Oh, already had it.

Microwaved some burritos, had great pregnant sex, he fell asleep, and I needed a meeting, 'cause, holy crap, I'm Mrs. Pepper.

Guys, I'm not done hugging.

Hi.

I'm Bonnie.

I'm an alcoholic.

ALL: Hi, Bonnie.

(laughing): This has been quite a day.

I think I've had every feeling a person can have.

Some of them great, some of them...

just awful.

And never once thought about drinking or using.

But that's not the miracle.

The miracle is...

I never thought about myself.

I was thinking about the people I love and how I can help them.

And also some fish.

Which is...

ironic, 'cause I had sushi for lunch.

I didn't care.

It was...

When I walked in that door... eight years ago, I was so filled with... fear and self-loathing, shame.

But now, I kind of like me.

I kind of love me.

(cries softly)

I love my husband, I love my daughter, my friends, my grandkids.

I even love those two crazy b*tches in the back row.

- (quietly): I think that's us.

- (quietly): It is.

I've always heard people in meetings say how... they're grateful alcoholics, and...

I never understood it.

It actually kind of pissed me off.

But now I get it.

My name is Bonnie and I'm a grateful alcoholic.

And if that pisses you off, just keep coming back.

Thank you.

Would you guys join us for coffee?

- Just say yes.

- Yes.

Who else would like to share?