04x18 - The Wild and Woolly World of Nonlinear Dynamics

[bunniefuu]

ADULT SHELDON: Classical physics can predict a lot about the world.

For example, it can tell us what happens when one pool ball knocks into another.

But when multiple balls careen in different directions, we've entered the wild and woolly world of nonlinear dynamics.

And you don't need me to tell you that it's impossible to predict what will happen next.

Actually, based on the state of our educational system, you probably do.

Now imagine those are people.

Even a brilliant young ball who graduated high school at can be caught in the maelstrom.

Aah!

Our first collision was set in motion when Pastor Jeff and Robin had their baby.

Isn't he the cutest?

- He sure is.

Oh.

- Yeah, he's an angel.

He's just happy all the time...

morning, afternoon, middle of the night, : a.m., : a.m., all the a.m.'s, really.

Dip the pacifier in some whiskey, put him right out.

But don't use the good stuff.

They can't tell the difference.

I never thought I could love anything this much.

(voice breaking): I used to think I loved my dog Waffles, but it doesn't even compare.

You okay?

Sorry.

I'm fine.

Just haven't been sleeping lately.

Why don't you go home?

We can handle things here.

No.

No, I'm good.

I got work to do.

(voice breaking): Away from my son, who's probably wondering where his daddy went and if he's ever coming home.

Maybe go.

- I'll go.

- And don't worry about a thing here.

Thank you.

Oh, sure, we can handle the food drive, the bulletins...

And if you're not feeling up to it, I could even give the sermon on Sunday.

I'm sure I'll be fine by Sunday.

You don't have to decide right now.

I'll do the sermon.

We'll play it by ear.

Take a hint, sister.

Sure, I can stay till George gets home.

Well, Missy's not back yet, but Sheldon's right here.

Sheldon, you good?

(whistles) Yeah, he's good.

- All right, bye.

- (door opens)

I just got off the phone with your mom.

She's gonna work late, so I'll hang out till your dad...

I don't care.

(door slams)

What's wrong with her?

Who?

♪ I can eat my dinner... ♪

Everything okay?

MISSY: Leave me alone.

Did something happen at school?

Go away.

Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?

No!

♪ 'Cause nothing compares ♪

I'm going number one.

♪ Nothing compares... ♪

(door closes)

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

Hey, I'm gonna need you to drop the bulletin off at the printers.

And while you're out, could you also swing by the bank and make a deposit?

Sure, and there's one thing you could do for me.

- What's that?

- Quit riding my hump.

- Excuse me?

- You're not the boss around here.

(exhales) No, but Pastor Jeff's away, and I'm the church secretary.

Okay.

Take a memo.

"You're not in charge. Peg".

(typing)

(over stereo): ♪ He's a fool, 'cause ♪

(singing along): ♪ Nothing compares ♪

♪ Nothing compares to you... ♪

(door opens)

- Hey.

- Welcome home.

What's going on?

Mary's working late, Sheldon's in the garage, and Missy's in her room hating the world.

What's wrong with Missy?

My guess is a boy.

And I hope you like this song, because it's in heavy rotation.

I'll go talk to her.

That's not a good idea.

Mm, Missy and I kind of have a father-daughter thing.

Maybe you and cute, little Missy.

This is pre-teen, angry Missy.

You haven't met her yet.

I got this.

Hmm.

(chuckles softly) Dumb and confident... my favorite combination.

♪ All the flowers that you planted, Mama... ♪

- (knocks)

- Missy?

♪ All d*ed when you went away ♪

♪ Ah-ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ I know that living with you... ♪

I was listening to that.

Thought you might want to talk.

That's why the door was shut and the music was loud...

'cause I want to talk.

Okay.

Okay.

(clears throat)

If this is about a boy, I know it feels like the end of the world, but I promise you're gonna have other boyfriends.

I don't want other boyfriends.

I want Marcus.

Well, you feel that way now, but you're only .

So my feelings don't matter?

Uh...

Hey, how about we go get some ice cream?

I'm not a child.

- Just trying to help.

- Leave me alone!

(sighs)

♪ Baby, was sometimes hard... ♪

You are right.

You have been here longer than me.

I don't see why we can't work together.

That'd be nice.

Great.

So, why don't you go by the bank, and I will drop off the bulletin?

So no one's gonna answer the phones?

Fine.

You just sit there, and I'll go and do everything.

Sweet.

- Oh, today's a stumper.

Is "nipto" a word?

You know what?

This is why I was taking charge of everything.

Because if I don't, nothing will get done.

Oh, it's "pinto".

(laughs)

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Guess what, Mary.

Things were getting done long before you got here.

I just want everything taken care of for Pastor Jeff.

Or you just like thinking you're better than everybody.

MEEMAW: How'd that Daddy-daughter thing work out?

I'm not in the mood, Connie.

I told you not to go in there, but you knew better, didn't you?

I don't need your parenting advice.

Seems like you do.

I'm sorry.

How many of your children still talk to you?

Oh, that's right.

Just Mary.

_
I have a problem.

- What now?

- Missy put a "Do not enter" sign on our bedroom door, and I'm all for obeying posted signage, but it is my room, and I feel that gives me right of entry.

Thoughts?

- You don't want to go in there.

- But I do.

Is Missy even authorized to put up a sign?

And if so, does that mean I can put up a sign?

I don't know.

Because if I put up a "Do enter" sign, which sign would have precedence?

Do we have a lawyer?

I should talk to a lawyer.

She's having boy problems.

Just give her space.

Emotionally or legally?

Emotionally.

Excellent.

Ignoring emotions is where I shine.

Clearly.

(door opens)

- Did you not see the sign?

- I did.

It's not legally binding.

I asked Dad.

What are you doing?

- Getting rid of my stupid toys.

- Hmm.

Even your Cabbage Patch doll?

- I don't need a doll.

- Good.

She was starting to smell like actual cabbage.

Why are you taking that down?

It's time to grow up.

Leave it there.

You don't even like Cyndi Lauper.

No, but it's part of my daily routine.

Every morning I wake up, look over there and wonder, "Why is she standing like this?" Too bad.

It's my room.

It's my room, too.

Yeah, and I don't get a say in any of your stupid posters.

These are the smartest men who ever lived, so if anyone's stupid, it's you for saying that.

Shut up!

You're very irritable.

This might be why you're having boy problems.

Put that down!

MISSY: No!

SHELDON: Missy, I mean it!

MISSY: I don't care!

SHELDON: It's mine!

Give it back!

What did you do?!

What the hell's going on in here?!

Look what she did!

- It's his fault!

- That's enough out of both of you!

I told you not to come in here.

Go!

Now!

You want to explain yourself?

(crying)

We'll get you another picture.

I don't want another picture.

I want this one.

I told you not to go in there.

It's my room!

Hey, you watch your tone!

(door opens)

What's going on?

Missy tore my Professor Proton picture, and now Dad's yelling at me.

You yelled first.

He yelled first.

(sighs): I'll take care of this.

You don't even know what happened.

Did she tear up his picture?

Well, yeah, she did.

Honestly, I can't leave this house for five minutes without everything falling apart.

I was handling it.

Obviously.

(sighs): You yelled first.

Missy Cooper, you apologize to your brother right this second.

(crying): No.

I am not gonna tell you again.

Why do you always take his side?

I do not.

Yes, you do.

Everybody does.

I hate this family.

You are grounded, young lady.

Fine!

It is fine!

Hmm, thanks for handling that.

Hey, Moon Pie.

Is everything okay?

No, everything is terrible.

Oh.

That sounds like a job for cookies.

Okay, here you go.

You're not baking them fresh?

Do you want me to bake or you want me to listen?

I'm sorry she ruined your picture, but, you know, she's having a bad day.

Oh, please, she can find another boyfriend.

- I know you're mad at her.

- I hate her.

Hey, don't say that about family.

You say mean stuff about my dad.

- That's different.

He deserves it.

- But Missy...

Listen here.

She's your sister.

She's always gonna be your sister, so you have to find a way to forgive her.

But she did this just to hurt me.

I know.

But she's hurting, too.

What does that have to do with me?

You're the big brother.

I'm only two minutes older.

Which makes you the big brother, which means that it is your job to look out for her.

That doesn't make sense.

Why should random birth order determine moral responsibility?

I don't make the rules, Moon Pie.

Doesn't seem like you make cookies either.

What's taking so long?

It would be nice if I didn't have to come home after a long day at work and take care of everything here.

You didn't.

I was handling it till you came and bulldozed right over me.

Sheldon was upset.

This isn't about Sheldon.

It's about you thinking you're always right.

MARY: That is not true.

This is me wishing that after work I could come home and have my kids not at each other's throats.

And maybe once have someone else make dinner.

GEORGE SR.: Why?

So you could tell me how I made it wrong?

MARY: I had a long day.

Are you trying to make it worse?

GEORGE SR.: Oh, I think you already took care of that.

- MARY: I do not.

- GEORGE SR.: You act like you're the only thing holding this house together.

Missy?

What are you doing?

Hiding from you, idiot.

I found you.

You're not very good at this.

Just go home.

- Where are you going?

- I'm running away.

You can't run away.

Too late.

Then I'm telling Mom.

Of course you are.

Then she'll side with you, and I'll get in trouble, just like always.

- Fine.

I won't tell.

- Great.

But I'm coming with you.

You're one of the people I'm running away from.

I'm sorry, but I can't let you wander at night by yourself.

- I'm your big brother.

- We're twins.

I was born two minutes earlier, which apparently makes me responsible for you.

That's dumb.

I'm not happy about it either, but here we are.

(sighs)

Hey.

Hello.

What's up?

Nothing.

Who d*ed?

Whoa, did somebody really die?

No one d*ed.

Cool.

Where's dinner?

Anyone who wants dinner can make it for themselves.

I am not cooking.

Don't take it out on him.

- Ooh, take what out on me?

- Stay out of it.

You really want to start this up again?

Wait, are you asking me what I want?

Well, that's a first.

Oh, please, your whole life is doing whatever you want.

Oh, really?

I can just leave.

Did I want to get stuck coaching high school football?

Did I want to live across the street from your mother?

Did I want to spend my evening getting yelled at by my daughter and my son and my wife?

I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were so unhappy.

Because you never bother to ask.

(door opens, shuts)

Where are we going?

Right there.

An old shack in the middle of the woods?

Have you even seen Scooby Doo?

Great, go home.

At night, by myself?

Nice try.

Do you come here a lot?

Sometimes, when I want to be alone.

Alone from me.

Not just you.

Everyone.

Is this about that boy?

I don't want to talk about it.

Is he why you were getting rid of your toys and your posters?

Because I don't think you should change for some boy.

You're just saying that 'cause you hate change.

You don't care about my feelings.

How can you say that?

I'm literally risking my life to be here.

Look around.

It is tetanus as far as the eye can see.

- (knock on door)

- Come in.

I figured you didn't eat.

I made you some soup.

Oh, thank you.

But you didn't have to do that.

Everything's fine.

I ain't a kid.

You don't gotta lie to me.

(sighs) Okay.

Honestly, I'm upset with your father.

And I'm upset with myself.

Why?

'Cause... he's right.

Maybe I do think I know best, and I can be critical.

But thank you for making me soup.

You're welcome.

Did you put water in this?

Was I supposed to?

It's fine.

And then today I found out he was actually holding hands with Nicole at the roller rink.

Who's Nicole?

A seventh-grader.

So you want to appear more mature to make him like you again.

I guess.

Hmm.

Well, I'd suggest a bow tie, but that's kind of my thing.

I'm sorry I ripped your picture.

Thank you.

And I wasn't just upset about the room changing.

It was also you.

Me what?

You're changing, too.

How?

You like boys, and you're half an inch taller than me now.

It's called growing up.

- Well, I don't like it.

- Trust me, years from now you're not gonna be sitting around, talking about Star Trek and reading comic books.

Would you like to bet on that?

A dollar.

Hmm.

ADULT SHELDON: She still hasn't paid me. And guess who's wearing Star Trek underpants right now. That's the thing with pool balls and people. They are both... unpredictable. Hi, George.

Oh, hey, Brenda.

What brings you out tonight?

Just needed to get out of the house.

(sighs heavily) I hear that.

You want some company?

Sure.