09x19 - m*rder, She Wanted

[bunniefuu]

MIKE: Is that one of my beautiful daughters having coffee with her mom?

Oh, it's you.

Oh, ha, ha.

So, you didn't tell me that you were speaking at some marketing summit in Aspen this weekend.

Well, I didn't want to freak you out and have you worry that I wouldn't be here for our show on Sunday.

Oh, come on.

Give her a little credit.

She might just be interested in your life.

Not really.

See, this... this is why I don't defend you more.

It's okay, it's okay.

A group of total strangers find me fascinating.

Isn't that

- what's really important?

- Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, but you're gonna be back in time for the finale, right?

Wouldn't miss it.

Come on.

I think we're gonna figure out who the Cul-De-Sac k*ller is.

Oh, they have to tell us.

Don't they?

- Yeah.

- What if they don't?

- I don't know...

- Oh, my God, I'm getting even more freaked out now.

We're gonna be fine.

We're gonna figure it out.

- Okay.

I can't wait.

- Yeah, me, too.

- See you, bye.

- Mm, bye.

Why don't I just go ahead and just put your stuff in the dishwasher?

- Okay.

- Yeah.

I think it's sweet how much she enjoys watching that show with you.

- Y-Yeah, it's actually pretty good.

I like it.

- Mm.

Mm-hmm.

You know?

It's not easy being the Cul-De-Sac k*ller, right?

There's only one way in, and...

and there's only one way out.

- RYAN: Howdy-hoo-oo!

- Oh, my God.

We got to put a lock on that door.

Okay.

Guess where I'm going this weekend, and think unexpected.

Church?

- Not that unexpected.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Crunchy Town.

Where granola is the currency

- and everybody smells like feet.

- (VANESSA LAUGHS)

Nope.

The marketing summit in Aspen.

- Ah.

- MIKE: What are the chances that there's two Aspens?

♪ ♪ So you're both going to the same conference.

That's so fun.

Only if we run into each other.

But, you know, Aspen's a big place.

Nope.

It's not that big.

It can be.

Hey, uh, how are you getting there?

Uh, depends.

Uh, how-how are you getting there?

Flying.

Ugh, darn it, darn it.

I'm driving.

Well, why can't you carpool?

Because he's already bought the plane ticket, but thanks for the help, honey.

Oh, well, no, the-the ticket's refundable.

Well, you don't want to drive with me.

I'm going at the cr*ck of dawn, I want to get up there early.

Oh, no, I love waking up early, seeing the sun come up, so that is perfect.

It might not be perfect.

- Let's keep talking.

- (SIGHS)

Look, I want to go with you because I want to network with the heavy hitters, and if we walk in together, doors will open for me.

What if you wear one of my hats?

Oh, q-quit teasing him.

I don't...

Is there a reason why you don't want to drive together?

Not that I'm comfortable talking about right here.

Yeah, I'll take that as a yes.

Thank you, Mike.

And thank you, Vanessa.

- VANESSA: Oh, you are welcome.

- I'll bring this back.

(VANESSA CHUCKLES)

You guys are gonna have a great time together.

Oh, stop it.

Stop...

Come on.

Y-You knew it was gonna happen, I just got us there faster.

It didn't have to happen.

I was cleverly saying no.

Why?

Why, I mean, you guys, you've been getting along great lately.

Do you remember that, uh, classic beer stein I had that shattered?

Yes, I remember.

Look, you don't have to tell me the story again.

Well, wait, no, no, but listen.

Remember?

It broke into a lot of pieces, I was supergluing it back together, but it hadn't set yet, so I told everybody, "Don't touch it", because otherwise it could shatter again.

I didn't move it.

I didn't move it, I didn't move it.

I wasn't even in the room.

Okay, okay, okay, all right.

We all got that.

But "somebody" shattered it.

Now imagine driving that thing all the way to Aspen.

You know, I can't believe you're calling yourself fragile.

I'm not calling myself anything.

This is a metaphor for Ryan and I.

The glue is not set yet, and a four-hour drive could shatter that again.

All right, you know what?

I'm-I'm sorry.

Y-You don't want to do it, just call Ryan, tell him you like him, you just don't like-like him.

You know, I-I'm looking at this like I was winning the argument which is why you are walking away.

Now, Tiger and Simba, they love ribbons, but Lulu and Boots, they're all about their squeaky mouse toy.

- Yeah.

- (LAUGHS)

You know, sometimes Tiger hides it from Lulu... all hell breaks loose.

- It's really funny.

Let me show you.

- Hi, guys.

Hey.

- Hey.

Did you see these pictures?

- Cat pictures.

- Bye, guys.

- Uh, hey, hey, hey.

Kristin.

Why don't you come join us and talk about literally anything else?

Hello, folks, just gather around, please, for a moment.

Please, just...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Last night, Bonnie and I saw a show.

Now, have you ever seen a production so bold that it changes your perception of the world?

KRISTIN: Oh, wow.

What'd you see, Ed?

Taft: The Musical.

That's right.

I saw the original production on Broadway, now it's touring Denver and it's just as spectacular.

Oh, that's the one about President Taft told through rap.

Now, I-I don't care much for the hippity-hoppity-hippity stuff, but still, this-this was excellent.

I learned so much about our nation's most corpulent president.

Yeah, well, Nixon, he was no angel, either.

"Corpulent" means big, Joe.

He weighed .

Yeah.

They say "three-fiddy" in the show, you see.

But regardless, it was terrific, I want you to see it.

Oh, oh, darn.

Yeah, no, I-I told my friend...

w-who is definitely a real person...

that, um, that I'd see it with her, and-and she's recovering from...

- a lung transplant.

- Ah.

Yeah.

All right.

Regardless.

Gentlemen?

What do you say?

Oh, yeah, man, it's not really my thing.

And if I'm going to the theater, I don't want to see a-a rapping social studies class.

Hey, I've never seen a Broadway show in my life.

I'm not gonna start now.

Wait, you've never seen Cats?

Wait, there's a Broadway show about cats?

Why wasn't I told about this?

All right, that's it, that's it.

I'm buying you tickets, and as your boss, I'm ordering you to go.

(SIGHS)

This is just people dressed up as cats.

(PHONE DINGS)

(GASPS)

Oh, God.

That's Mike.

Uh, he says he's almost home.

I knew you were faking liking him.

No, no, no, he's-he's just getting home much earlier than-than expected.

And why is that a bad thing?

Because it means that-that he and Ryan had a fight.

Which is what he said was gonna happen, which means he was right.

This is terrible.

I mean...

Not the fight, just that he was right.

- (GARAGE DOOR OPENS)

- (GASPS)

- Oh, that's the garage.

- And that's my cue to leave.

Um...

Okay.

Hey, babe.

Hey.

All right, go ahead.

Tell me.

How bad was it with Ryan?

I think I need a beer.

Oh, no, it was "beer bad"?

Uh, make it two, honey.

All right, so, uh, so what happened?

Was it harsh words?

A fistfight?

A kiss?

Better tell me.

My guesses are just gonna get worse.

I had a great time.

What?

Yep.

I had a great time with Ryan.

I don't believe you.

You're lying.

So you had a good time with Ryan in the car?

Yeah.

It...

We were driving back, didn't even rush.

We pulled over a couple times to look at the mountains.

Wait, wait.

W...

Mike Baxter stopped?

But then that would mean that the slow cars that you'd already passed would-would get back ahead of you.

It's amazing.

I wasn't even angry about it, I just...

I actually got out and just waved them by.

All right, well, what changed?

He did his marketing presentation, right?

And...

damn if it wasn't interesting.

- I was proud.

- Wow.

That is so cool.

- Good for you.

- Yeah.

And one of my old buddies came up

- and says, "Do you know this guy?" - Mm-hmm.

And I...

I actually admitted it.

Look at you, Mike Baxter.

Getting along with everybody.

And they say people get crankier as they get older.

Yeah, I was gonna say this, you're-you're developing kind of an edge.

What?

Like this, right here.

(JOE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) ED: There they are.

- (CHUCKLES): Hey.

- Hey.

Fresh from the night of theatre.

- Huh?

- Uh, ooh...

So did you love it or did you love it?

- The first one.

Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I got to admit, Ed, that was a...

- Man.

... that was a, that was a great show.

Uh, yes.

So, w-what was your favorite part?

Oh, gosh, I mean, just, like, the...

- you know, the whole thing.

- I liked the way it started.

- Uh-huh.

- And that stuff in the middle.

- And the ending.

Ooh, man.

Really.

- Yeah, it was good.

I'm-I'm s...

Yeah, you guys did see it, right?

Yeah, we did.

How'd your friend's lung transplant go?

How'd you like that number after he won the second term?

- Oh, great.

Unbelievable.

- Oh, that was the best part.

Yes.

Yeah.

Taft only served one term.

- Okay, we didn't go.

Yeah.

- But we wanted to, I swear.

- Yeah.

- CHUCK: Yeah, yeah, we even went to the theater, but...

(CHUCKLES)

... then we heard it was gonna be three hours long.

- And that didn't even include the halftime.

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry.

We-we'll pay you back.

- Yeah, yeah.

Please, you know, it's not about the money.

I just wanted to share something with my friends.

That's all.

But I made a mistake.

I'm sorry.

(SOFTLY)

: Well...

(SIGHS)

How did I not know Taft served only one term?

Hey, you take a sh*t.

We had a fiddy-fiddy chance.

Come on, Mandy, hurry up.

m*rder is afoot.

Well, actually, based on last episode,

- m*rder is a-torso.

- (LAUGHS)

Okay, Dad.

Since this is the finale, our snacks are themed.

And since the murders took place in Wisconsin,

- cheese curds, white fudge popcorn...

- Mm-hmm.

Yum, yum.

... and sliced bratwurst.

Oh, and since the suspects are all white, so is our wine.

Oh, great.

Well, maybe the next episode they'll be Scotch, and years old.

Ooh, I love the way they do the recap.

Oh, right.

Remember last week we saw that the m*rder*r had a bonsai tree?

You know, think about this, if the m*rder*r was into bonsais, he would slowly clip his victims to death over a period of, like, years.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Could you..

Ow, ow, ow, ow".

Eh...

Hey, guys.

Am I, uh, interrupting?

Hey, Ryan.

Yeah, you are.

Oh, sorry.

What's up?

I think we're just about to find out that the m*rder*r is that annoying little real estate agent.

No, no, I am telling you, it is the home security...

- No.

- ... system installer because that's the last person

- that you'd suspect.

- Hell no, it can't...

- Wait a minute, maybe.

- Yeah.

'Cause then he would be drumming up new business doing it.

- That's not a bad idea.

- I know.

What can we do for you?

Oh, uh, just came to drop off a little sixer

- of that pilsner we liked in Aspen.

- Oh.

And, unlike at the hotel, it is not nine dollars a bottle.

Okay, cool.

Thanks.

Bye.

Oh, you don't have to be rude.

Listen, on the way to the refrigerator, drop it off and then get out.

It's just a little thank-you gift for helping me with that idea.

I ran it by my boss, and he loved it.

But really, I just helped you organize it.

It was a good idea.

It was all on you, man.

Thank you.

Appreciate that.

- Yeah.

- Okay, that's sweet.

Bye-bye.

Oh, you guys are watching that show; is it any good?

Can I, uh, can I watch with you for a minute?

It's the finale, Ryan.

You'd be completely lost.

Oh, well, I've watched a lot of David Lynch movies.

I am used to being completely lost.

You won't even know I'm here.

I promise.

- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

- (CAP POPS LOUDLY)

- Seriously?

- (MUSIC STOPS)

What?

Did you buy the loudest beer they had?

(CHUCKLES)

: Sorry.

Whoa, whoa, better not crunch any of that cheese curd.

She hears that, she's probably gonna s*ab you in the neck.

(MUSIC RESUMES)

Oh, Milwaukee.

- (MUSIC STOPS)

- Okay.

You know what, Dad, uh, we're gonna do this another time.

Maybe when there's nobody here yelling out random names of cities and drinking super loud beer.

Mandy, I'm sorry.

(CHUCKLES): W-What did I do?

And one more thing, Mr. Vegan.

Those cheese curds you're eating are real dairy!

Sorry, is-is she mad at me?

I-I don't know.

I-I wouldn't know.

I get along with everybody.

Just ask my wife.

Although I wouldn't ask her now because she's developed a little edge.

Hey, you know what's ironic?

Um, a fire station burning down.

No.

Well, yes, but, yeah.

No, no, that, um, that Mandy and Ryan had a fight last night.

I mean, you two are finally getting along, and then those guys have a falling-out.

So Ryan having a fight is ironic or... inevitable?

- Hey, good morning.

- Morning.

- Hey.

Uh, listen, Kyle, the clothes for the church, I just put 'em in the pantry.

Yeah, great.

Thank you.

You are the best.

Hey, uh, Mr. B, is it okay if I come in after lunch today?

I've got ministerial counseling

- at the church this morning.

- No problem.

You want some breakfast, Kyle?

Oh, uh, no, I-I better not.

I like to get in a little prayer before I do my counseling, and sometimes, if I've eaten, I-I nod off.

Yeah.

A little advice, why don't you cut back a little bit on the prayer.

Listen, Kyle, maybe you could put some of your counseling expertise to work with Mandy and Ryan.

A-Are they okay?

Hmm?

What's that?

Well, I mean, I'm sure, I'm sure Mandy said something to you.

And did she... ?

She and Ryan got into it a little bit last night.

Well, if she did tell me that she was having a problem with somebody, I certainly couldn't talk to you guys about it.

It's called confidentiality.

Oh, come on, we're her parents, so...

Oh, yeah, I know.

And I'm her husband.

But none of us are allowed to know what she talks about with... me.

Wait, wait, wait.

What's going on here?

It was just a little disagreement.

Yeah.

Is she really upset?

I'm afraid I can't tell you that.

Okay, could, uh...

could you tell us about somebody else?

Like who?

Oh!

Oh, okay.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.

Like, uh, somebody that I read about in a...

College textbook?

Yes, okay.

Uh, a case study about this, um, this sensitive, loving, really tall...

- Woman?

- Woman.

Okay.

- Right.

Yes.

Okay, exactly.

- Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Who is feeling, uh, these feelings of, uh, of...

- Frustration?

- Yes.

Exactly.

Because she felt like she didn't have anything in common with her...

Brother-in-law.

No.

Father.

- Father?

- Father?

Wait, what?

Yes, because this sensitive, loving..

Okay, Kyle, stop.

We're done.

Come on.

She felt like everybody else in the family had this one big special thing that they shared with her dad.

Like one person was getting ready to take over the dad's store, and another person was really getting into marketing, and another person was... well, Eve.

Oh, wow.

Wait, so Mandy wasn't really mad at Ryan, she's-she's...

- Mad at me.

Mm.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I wouldn't say that she was mad.

Well, the girl in the textbook.

- I would say that she was sad.

- VANESSA: Mm.

And maybe it came across as mad.

I'll see you after lunch, Mr. B.

- Okay, good deal.

- Okay.

All right, see you later.

Oh, man,

- I feel so bad for Mandy.

- Yeah.

- You've got to talk to her.

- I'll talk to her.

But I'm gonna have my breakfast first, go upstairs, lay down and take a little prayer.

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

- I'm busy.

What the fresh hell is this?

(CHUCKLES)

We felt so bad about the other day, we got our own tickets and saw Taft last night.

And I didn't fall asleep once.

- I was in row Z-Z-Z.

- Yeah.

(CHUCK LAUGHS)

Gentlemen, you can stop the charade.

You don't like theater, that's fine.

Taft, are you daft?

I incensed you.

Now I got to run against you.

Roosevelt, don't make me use my belt.

It's a size .

It'll leave a welt.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, so you-you did see it.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- I told you so.

- Yeah.

- And you liked it?

- Oh, man...

Oh, liked it?

(LAUGHS)

That -minute rap about the Sherman Antitrust Act?

Just wow.

You hated it.

- Yeah, it was, it was awful.

- So much, man, so much.

Man, why-why'd you say you liked that show, Ed?

I lied.

I-I despised it.

Then what the hell?

Bonnie loves it, and I love my wife.

- So you didn't want to bad-mouth it to your wife.

- Yeah, but I had to bad-mouth it to somebody or I'm gonna lose my mind.

Well, what were you gonna say if we liked the show, Ed?

I'd send you to talk to Bonnie and get me off the hook.

(LAUGHING)

: He's a selfish bastard.

Kind of like Taft.

Although, I don't know if he's like that.

I-I lied.

I fell asleep.

The bad part is, he snores, which woke me up.

(ED CHUCKLES)

Come on, let's have some Scotch, gentlemen, and talk theater like a dramaturge.

Yeah, it'll be my second "turge" this week.

Hey, so I'm sorry that I left the other night.

Ryan was really pushing my buttons.

- Ryan was?

- Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Listen, I found a box of stuff I wanted you to look at.

And do you remember building that dollhouse?

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I loved that thing.

You know, none of my friends could believe that me and my macho dad were building a dollhouse to play with.

I built it, you played with it.

I didn't play with it.

You didn't tell anybody I played with it, did you?

I didn't play with that dollhouse.

You helped me furnish it.

That's-that's different.

I put stuff in there 'cause that's where it had to go.

It wasn't a design or anything.

I didn't decorate it with you.

I just put the couch where it belonged.

Is this our Dance Dance Party mat?

- Mm-hmm.

- (LAUGHS SOFTLY)

Do you remember when I accidentally hit "Double Expert Get Down Mode"?

It felt like people were sh**ting b*ll*ts at my feet.

You bet I do.

Yeah.

You unlocked a secret song.

Yeah.

Well, we-we did a lot of fun stuff.

Oh, my God.

Our NSYNC scrapbook.

Yeah, it wasn't all that much fun.

I mean, some of the stuff was weird.

You came up with a lot of cool stuff, although when you went through that cornrow phase, that was hard to manage 'cause you wanted me to do it.

Remember that one time before a party, your mom was gone, I was, "Do they just... one goes on the side like..." I've still got arthritis 'cause of that.

What are you thinking?

- It's just, it's...

- What?

What is it?

(SNIFFLES)

Just all of this.

You know?

You and I, we always try and find something that we are both interested in, but nothing ever sticks.

Well, that's not how I see it.

There's a lot of amazing things I've done that I would have never done had you not dragged me into it.

Come on, Dad.

Look, we may not have a big, special thing.

We've got a lot of little special things, you and I.

Yeah, well, when you put it that way, it does sound pretty great.

Well, you know me, I-I have a way of seeing the positive side of everything.

(LAUGHS): Oh, really?

Well, you know what I have been thinking about a lot lately?

- Hmm?

- Bonsai trees.

I-I don't have any interest in bonsai trees, which...

probably would make it perfect, then.

Wait, who did the Cul-De-Sac k*ller turn out to be?

- The real estate agent?

- I shut it off right after you left.

- I didn't see the end of it.

- Oh, well...

we can watch it if, you know, if you have time.

I have time.

Yeah.

Let's do it.

That's great.

Great idea.

Unless you want to take one more sh*t at the Dance Dance Party mat.

Ooh, I would so kick your butt.

- Would you?

- Yeah.

Not if I picked the song, 'cause good luck dancing to Foghat.

- Foghat?

- Foghat!

Hello, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

A couple of times a week, I like to walk the sales floor and ask customers if they need help finding something.

I like to do that, you know.

And then they say, "Hey, you're Outdoor Man.

Can I get a selfie and autograph?" And immediately I regret offering to help.

But a lot of times our customers will say, "I just enjoy looking around".

Wow.

That's the best part of life, isn't it?

Just seeing how much there is to see.

You might like motorcycles, you might like water sports.

And thanks to American inventor Clayton Jacobson, we have the Jet Ski.

And you can do both at the same time.

Damn.

Yeah, if you keep your eyes open to new experiences, you're going to find a whole bunch of stuff you didn't even know you loved to do.

You might even discover your love of building applies to dollhouses.

And if Barbie has me as her architect, she not only gets a beautiful home, she upgrades from Ken to a John Elway bobblehead.

(CHUCKLES)

So keep looking, keep hunting, keep making meaningful new connections with the people in your life.

And when you're here at the store, remember, it doesn't matter what you buy, as-as long as you buy something.

Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)