04x02 - Linda & Heather-a-Rooney

[bunniefuu]

Oh, that audition went so great!

No one is here.

Dang it!

Dramatic entrance ruined.

Mom!

Oh, hey, Liv!

How'd the audition go?

One sec.

Oh, that audition went so great!

So, did you get it?

Uh, I don't know yet.

But I do know that they are looking for a Liv Rooney type, and I mean, who could be more Liv Rooney than Liv Rooney, right?

(Chuckles)

(Phone rings)

Ooh, it's my manager Becky Bicklehoff.

Ooh.

Hey, Becky.

Did I get the part?

You didn't get the part.

What?

No, they said that they were looking for a Liv Rooney type, and I'm Liv Rooney.

I am the actual Liv Rooney.

Uh that's the problem.

No one wants to hire you because they don't trust you since you quit Voltage.

Liv Rooney you're too Liv Rooney.

Hang in there, babe.

Bye-bye from the Bick.

(Makes kissing sounds)

I'm going to go outside and then come back in, and this time, do not ask me about my audition.

(Theme music playing)

Better in stereo Bet-bet-better in stereo - I'm up with the sunshine - Let's go - I lace up my high-tops - Oh no Slam dunk, ready or not Yeah, show me what you got - I'm under the spotlight - Holler I dare you, come on and follow You dance to your own b*at I'll sing the melody When you say yea-ah-ah I say no-oh-oh When you say stop All I want to do is go, go, go You, you, the other half of me, me The half I'll never be-e The half that drives me crazy You, you, the better half of me, me The half I'll always need But we both know We're better in stereo (Laughter)

Oh, hey, girls.

Just shucking some clams that we got from down on the beach.

You can call me The Shuck Master.

Yeah, so I'm, like, never gonna do that.

Hey, thank you so much for the ride home, Willow.

I am going to change out of this sweaty T-shirt before it permanently attaches itself to my skin.

I am really gross.

I'd argue, but you are.

Ugh.

Willow, honey, could you grab me a platter from the dining room, please?

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

More clams, Mother?

(Chuckles)

Here you go, Mrs Hey, Joey.

H hey, Willow.

I should go.

Joey what was that?

I thought you and Willow were dating.

What happened to Jillow?

Well we broke up.

What?

Oh, you guys have been so happy since we moved here.

You've been together all summer.

Yeah.

It was the best summer of my life.

Until about a week ago when she broke up with me, completely out of nowhere.

So, another wonderful bike ride and picnic with your little man.

Yup.

Just like our five-minute relationship back at Stevens Point.

Are you sure there isn't something else you'd rather do?

Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?

(Sighs)

I can't believe that's how you feel.

That is how I feel.

(Sighs)

I don't know what to say.

I don't want to do this anymore!

What?

No!

I'm sick of it, Joey!

Okay.

Okay, well if you don't want to do this anymore, then then I don't want to do this anymore.

Then I guess Jillow is over!

Well, that doesn't sound like Willow.

Yeah.

I am just as confused as you are, Mom.

You really think you know a girl after she obsessively follows you for three years.

Something about this story wasn't adding up.

Joey needed my help, and I was unemployed and bored.

So, it was time for Momma to put on her meddlin' pants.

Aunt Karen!

- (Gasps)

- Look at my trophy!

Hey, Ruby.

Did you win your game?

No.

Because the Sunny Side 12 and Under League plays non-competitive basketball.

She didn't win because they don't even keep score.

But I got a trophy and Coach made us each a participation bracelet.

She says it's the same color as our inner sparkle.

Yeah, so wait, get this.

The coach actually said that having fun is more important than winning.

- Mm.

- (Laughs)

Stupid coach.

Look, Maddie, is it really so important for kids her age to learn winning and losing?

Yes!

When I won the state championship, that was the best moment of my entire life.

And you know what?

We kept score!

So, trophies are for winners.

And you know what?

You're gonna get this back when you know what that means.

She said the same thing about my "#1 Mom" mug.

(Chuckles)

Still haven't gotten that back.

This was a formative moment in my cousin's young life, and I mean, lucky for her, you know, "Mad Dog" Rooney was in California to teach her how to crush her opponents, and, uh, I mean, I don't know.

I kind of wish I had a me when I was her age.

How do I get my trophy back?

Uh, okay, um, you're gonna have to win it back.

Try b*ating me at something.

Anything.

We could, um Oh!

Why don't we thumb wrestle?

- Okay.

- Okay.

Both: One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb w*r.

All right.

Oh Okay.

I don't exactly get what Maddie was all fired up about, but it was fun watching that vein in her forehead pop out.

- A, B, C, one, two, three!

- (Grunts)

- I win!

- Ow!

You're right, winning does feel kind of good!

"Kind of good"?

No, no, no.

Winning feels great.

But you know what?

You're not even gonna know how great it feels to win until you know how awful it feels to lose.

So, you are gonna lose and you are gonna feel awful!

- Thank you?

- You're welcome!

Okay, so you said you had some Big news!

I got you a job.

What?

Seriously?

Someone wants to hire Liv Rooney, the actual Liv Rooney?

My clients are the stars of a hit TV show, so I pulled some strings and got you a guest part!

Ah!

The Bick's got your back, baby.

Oh, my acting dry spell is over!

And once you do this job, Hollywood will trust you again.

- So, what's the show?

- It's called Linda and Heather.

She'll take it!

She'll take it!

She'll take it!

- Pink, pink, pink - Girls, girls, girls Both: Glitter, glitter, glitter, Twirls, twirls, twirls Together forever - We're Linda - And Heather Both: Best friends!

(Bell rings)

I am on the set of Linda and Heather.

Pinch me!

Ow!

That was unnecessarily hard.

Okay, are you ready, Liv?

Oh, no.

Becky, on the set, I'm not Liv.

(Russian accent)

I am Russian cosmonaut Icevanka Icevankovich.

Pleasure to meet you, strange lady.

Oh, there they are!

Linda and Heather, I'd like you to meet Liv Rooney!

Hi!

From Voltage and Space Werewolves?

Why is she here?

We hate her.

Both: Not!

(Laughing)

Boom!

Chicken soup!

You just got boom-chicken-souped by Linda and Heather!

I can't breathe.

We are huge Liv Rooney fans!

She said "huge," but she means Huuuuuge Okay, well, it's so great to meet you guys.

Um, this is my little brother Parker, and he really is your biggest fan.

Oh, well, aren't you adorable?

We're so glad to have you on our set.

Both: Kiss, kiss, miss, miss.

(Laughs)

I'm adorable.

I'm gonna puke.

Oh.

Oh, that makes me so happy.

- They seem so nice.

- They do, don't they?

- Yeah.

- They are insane!

Most guest actors don't last a day, but this was the only job I could get you.

Just finish the week and watch your back.

What?

Becky, you're really, really scaring me.

You should be scared.

Scared makes you careful, and careful survives.

Okay, have fun!

Hey, Mrs. R.

Thank you for inviting me to your book club.

I brought snacks.

Wait a second.

No one's here.

Aww, man, you're bored and unemployed and looking for friends.

- I'm here for you, Mrs. R!

- Oh!

- You're not wrong!

- Ohh.

But I want to talk about Joey.

So, have a seat.

Now what happened?

Why did you break up with Joey?

What do you mean?

I didn't break up with him.

He broke up with me.

- What?

- Yeah.

Let me tell you the story.

The summer started out great.

What a great date: riding our tandem love cycle and picnicking on baloney sandwiches.

(Sighs)

Just like we did on our first date.

Joey, this is so romantic.

But as the summer went on, it got less and less great.

Mmm.

Another bike ride baloney picnic.

How exactly the same as last time.

He kept doing the exact same bike ride picnic date all summer long.

Until finally So, another wonderful bike ride and picnic with your little man.

Yup.

Just like our five-minute relationship back at Stevens Point.

Are you sure there isn't something else you'd rather do?

If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?

I can't believe that's how you feel.

Yeah.

It is how I feel.

I don't know what to say.

I don't want to do this anymore!

You don't?

No.

I'm sick of it, Joey.

Okay.

Okay, well, if you don't want to do this anymore, then I don't want to do this anymore.

Then I guess Jillow is over.

This is a classic case of he thought/she thought.

Well, you know what me thought?

What I think?

The three of us need to sit down and talk.

(Sighs)

That's a great idea.

Oh, well, since you're in the advice-receiving mood, let's talk about these hoop earrings.

Stay in your lane, Mrs.

Rooney.

Jump, jump, jump.

I win again!

What am I supposed to say?

You're supposed to say, "Bam! What?" I know you said winning feels great, but I've been winning all day and I'm actually kind of getting bored.

Is that the lesson?

No, that is not the lesson!

The lesson was teaching her about the pain of losing, but I can't do that until I b*at her.

(Chuckles)

Just one time!

This is called Hot Hands.

This is Patty-Cake's evil older cousin.

My mom said no one's evil.

Just misunderstood.

Wow, you you just You never had a chance.

Anyway, uh, so the object of Hot Hands is to slap the other person's hand before they pull away, so.

Missed me!

My turn.

(Screams)

I win again!

Victory dance.

Bam!

What?

Bam!

What?

Bam!

What?

Bam!

What?

- Bam!

What?

- Okay, okay, okay, no, no, no.

Ruby, Ruby!

You can't You can't do ballet as a victory dance, okay?

I mean, you know, for for a victory dance, you gotta dab or you gotta cabbage patch.

Or if you really, really mean it, you know, you do the chicken neck.

(Chuckles)

Tell you what, um, when you win, you can do whatever dance you want.

Until then, eat my grand jeté.

Bam!

What?

Bam!

What?

Bam!

What?

Greetings, fellow space comrades.

I am Dr.

Icevanka Icevankovich.

To whom do I have the pleasure of meeting?

I'm so glad you asked.

- Pink, pink, pink - Girls, girls, girls Both: Glitter, glitter, glitter, Twirls, twirls, twirls This is the greatest day of my life.

Oh.

I don't get a lot of hugs, but when I do, I enjoy them.

- Liv is crushing it.

- Yup.

As long as she can manage to keep from starting an argument between the girls, she just might make it to the end of the week.

One more hug!

Nope.

You smell like a litter box.

Both: Best friends!

Thank you for wonderful song, best friends.

The United Space Nations of the World have sent me vital fuel cell for reactor.

And - And I'm so sorry.

- (Bell rings)

Um, my script actually didn't say whether I'm supposed to give the fuel cell to Linda or to Heather.

Both: Give it to me.

Don't give it to her.

She should give it to me!

Last time we got critical supplies, you got the strawberry lip gloss.

Well, you got the bigger dressing room.

Well, it's not Heather and Linda.

It's Linda and Heather!

Well, my fan page has 13 more followers than yours.

Oh yeah?

Well, behind your back, everyone on stage calls you Stank Breath.

(Gasps)

Do you?

- Do you?

- They do!

I can't work with you anymore!

- I quit!

- I quit too!

Linda and Heather is over!

- Over!

- Over!

- (Both scoff)

- (Wails)

(Bell rings)

Liv, you broke Linda and Heather.

No more pink, no more girls, no more glitter, and no more twirls!

Not friends!

Don't blame yourself, Liv.

Those two have had issues for a long time.

Oh, thank you, Becky.

But that's not how Hollywood is going to spin it.

The headline is going to be "Liv Rooney, the girl who quit Voltage , shuts down Linda and Heather "!

What?

No!

Ugh!

We have to fix this, otherwise I'm gonna be known as the girl who ruined two shows!

I'll take that litter box hug now, Becky.

So, when Willow said, "I don't want to do this anymore," she was talking about the tandem bike picnic, but you thought she didn't want to date anymore.

Ohh.

And Joey only broke up with you because he thought you were breaking up with him.

Ohh.

So, really neither of your versions of what happened to Jillow were 100% accurate.

Both: Ohh.

Willow, I'm so sorry.

Our five-minute relationship was just so perfect.

I was afraid to try anything else because I didn't want to mess things up.

I'm sorry too.

Our five-minute relationship was perfect.

I was just tired of repeating it.

I should have been more clear.

Oh, this is wonderful.

I saved Jillow.

Jillow is back.

Actually, I don't know about that.

Maybe our five-minute relationship was so perfect because it was just five minutes.

Maybe that's all it was meant to be.

For now.

Any chance you'd be happy just keeping that memory perfect and just being friends?

I would love that.

Joey Rooney, would you not date me?

Willow Cruz, I would be honored not to date you.

Ah!

Linda and Heather are here to clear out their dressing room.

Okay, we have one chance to fix this before Linda and Heather walk off this stage forever.

So, Parker, do you know your lines?

I'm ready.

I don't like trickin' my girls, but (Robotic voice)

I have to trick them to save them.

I've never been on this side of the camera before.

It's electrifying.

(Gasps)

Liv I spoke with the network.

We're making a few changes to the show.

You're still Icevanka.

This is your robot, Bobby.

Oh.

I am programmed to get funky.

Let's hear the new theme song.

- Me, me, me - You, you, you Both: Ice, ice, ice, Bolts, bolts, bolts Together forever - Icevanka - And Bobby Both: Space friends Put those jazz hands down!

You can't steal that song or the show.

Sorry, girls.

You quit the show, but the show must go on!

Yeah, and thank you for that, by the way, because I was really hurtin' for a job, but then you quit and I totally got yours!

No way.

This is my song and my show.

I'm un-quitting.

You mean our song and our show, bestie.

I un-quit too.

Oh, no, you can't.

I mean, it's too late.

Right, Becky?

Liv this is awkward but it is in their contract that they have 24 hours to un-quit.

Oh!

Sorry but the Linda and Heather show is back on!

(Both squeal)

We are never gonna fight again, Heather, because you are the best friend ever.

Well, you just started another fight, Linda.

Because you're the best friend ever!

- Linda: Oh!

- (Both laugh)

Both: Kiss, kiss, miss, miss.

You did it, Liv!

You saved Linda and Heather.

Oh, the acting jobs are going to start pouring in!

I know this wasn't an easy week, and my girls weren't exactly pleasant, but (Voice cracks)

I love this show.

Thank you for saving it.

(Chuckles)

Your hands are so tiny, but so painful!

Okay, you know what?

That's it.

I'm done.

You win.

I'm sorry, Maddie.

I know you really wanted to teach me about losing.

Mm.

No.

I mean, I'm the one who should be sorry.

'Cause if I hadn't been so obsessed with winning, we could have been having fun today.

Oh, maybe that's the lesson.

I was wondering how many times I'd have to slap her before she got the lesson.

The answer is 375.

Thank you for playing.

I got you a trophy and I made you a participation bracelet.

Oh.

Ruby Thank you.

That really means a lot to me!

Ohh!

That is how you do it!

Bam!

What?

(Vocalizes)

Linda: Thank you for visiting our space station, Icevanka.

Heather: Don't let the airlock hit you on the way out.

(Linda and Heather laugh)

(Music plays)

Gotta be honest.

I'd rather be watching Icevanka and Bobby.

(Laughs)

(Russian accent)

Me, me, me (Robotic voice)

You, you, you Both: Space friends!

Liv!

There's big Liv Rooney buzz around Hollywood!

Now you're not a show k*ller, you're a show saver!

The network wants you to reprise your role of Stephanie Einstein.

What?

Wait, they want me to do an updated version of Sing it Loud?

Are you kidding?

Becky, you better not be kidding because you are fired if you're kidding.

Not kidding.

They're calling it Sing It Louder!

Oh!

No, Becky.

They're calling it Sing It Louder!

(Squeals)

Oh!

Are you gonna be doing that every time?

Parker, I think we both know the answer to that.

Linda and Heather: Kiss, kiss, miss, miss!