02x16 - Cook-a-Rooney

[bunniefuu]

Parker: It was a peaceful day in downtown Stevens point.

(Roaring)

Crush.

k*ll.

Destroy.

(Slow-motion roar)

(Slow-motion roar)

(Crashing)

(Gasps)

What kind of bonkers boy-business is this?

Uh, we're destroying fake Stevens point.

(Robot voice)

Care to participate, insignificant humans?

- Yeah.

- Yes.

(Cackles)

Yes!

Oh, that felt good.

Hey, I'm gonna go check the video footage from the roof camera.

Liv, you're a high-class woman of the world.

Aww.

So can I get your advice on a matter of the heart?

Yes, of course.

I love that you came to me, Reginald.

(Laughs)

What's the love-one-one?

I'm crushing on an older girl.

Not sure how to get her to notice me.

Ooh, someone likes their cheese aged.

Okay, so tell me about this girl.

Oh, she's got it going on, with a smile that lights up the room.

- Bling!

- Ooh.

Okay, well, my advice would be dress to impress.

You know?

Give a hoot, wear a suit.

(Giggles)

And, you know, a heartfelt poem never goes out of style, so.

A poem, I could flow with that.

Yeah, I bet you could.

Flow on, Casanova.

Ew.

(Giggles)

What's with that look?

Did you just swallow a bug or something?

Isn't it obvious?

You're the older girl with the bling smile.

Little Reggie has a crush on you.

No.

I mean, thank you for the props on my smile, mom, but really he just wanted my advice.

Uh, trust me.

I know kids.

He was vibing you so that he didn't embarrass himself.

Uh, vibing, it's...

ahem, just a word that kids use.

Yeah, mom, no one uses that word.

Hey, mom.

Thanks for picking me up these new underwear.

I am totally vibing these new boxer briefs.

(Laughs, sings a tune)

- I'll never say it again.

- Right.

(Theme music playing)

♪ Better in stereo, b-b-better in stereo ♪

- ♪ I'm up with the sunshine ♪

- ♪ Let's go ♪

- ♪ I lace up my high tops ♪

- ♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ slam dunk, ready or not ♪

♪ yeah, show me what you got ♪

- ♪ I'm under the spotlight ♪

- ♪ Holler ♪

♪ I dare you come on and follow ♪

♪ you dance to your own b*at ♪

♪ I'll sing the melody ♪

♪ when you say yea-ah-ah, I say no-oh-oh ♪

♪ when you say stop... ♪

♪ All I want to do is go, go, go ♪

♪ you, you, the other half of me, me ♪

♪ the half I'll never be-e ♪

♪ the half that drives me crazy ♪

♪ you, you, the better half of me, me ♪

♪ the half I'll always need ♪

♪ but we both know we're better in stereo. ♪

I am ready for my morning practice, coach dad.

You sure?

It's gonna be a tough one.

Oh, yeah.

Bring it.

I want my sweat to sweat.

Okay, so, ever since I came back from my knee injury, my basketball team hasn't lost a game!

Ugh!

Mad dog is back and better than ever!

(Sighs)

Oh, I can't stop smiling.

See?

(Giggles)

All right, mad dog.

Let's do this.

Let's do this!

Not so fast, Maddie.

We need to talk about your grades.

Okay, what about my grades?

Well, you're on academic hold.

Now, I'm sorry, honey, but...

I have to suspend you from the basketball team.

- What?

- Yeah, what?

Mom, I'm acing every class.

Yeah, she's acing every class.

Not Home Ec.

You're failing.

Yeah, no, I meant like every real class.

Right, dad?

Okay, this would generally be the part where you, like, back me up.

Sorry, Maddie.

Grades come first.

Yeah, your father's right.

Now, you need to go talk to Mr. Clodfelter.

What?

(Scoffs)

No!

(Stammering)

I can't talk to him because he's a monster.

(Crying)

You can't make me talk to...

are you guys buying this?

No?

(Scoffs)

Fine.

You weren't buying it, even for like a second?

(Groans)

Hey!

Where is Mr. Clodfelter?

(Tires screech)

(Screeching continues)

All right, class.

Phones down, spoons up.

We're making crepes.

Let's get ready to whip it and flip it.

(Clears throat loudly)

Hmm, look who's here.

Maddie Rooney.

You can't fail me.

When teachers don't fail students, students fail themselves.

(Laughing maniacally)

(Laughing continues)

Okay, but if you don't change my grade, I am off the basketball team.

Hmm, well, if you want to pass Home Ec, you gotta do the work.

Respect the ec, yo.

(Chirps)

Okay, so if I'm being honest, some of my projects didn't exactly...

Turn out the way I had hoped.

She made me lasagna.

Or a doorstop.

I can't tell.

She made me a sweatshirt.

I don't let her make me anything.

Life's too short.

Okay, so Home Ec isn't exactly my bag, but isn't there anything that I can do for extra credit?

Well, there is one thing that you can do.

Win the Clodfelter cooking competition this Friday.

Okay, I'm in.

Who am I gonna make cry when I b*at them?

Funny, I was just asking myself the same thing.

(Laughing maniacally)

Wait.

Okay...

I have to b*at Artie to get back on the team?

Have you guys seen the gourmet treats that he drops off to woo Liv?

Because he calls this one a "Liv and Artie Berry tartie."

Hello, my star sous-chef.

Oh, right back at you, my culinary king.

(Chuckles)

So, miss Rooney versus chef Artie.

Do you feel you're up for the challenge, or are you going to deflate like a bad chocolate souffle?

(Both laughing hysterically)

(Laughing continues)

(Laughing continues)

Oh, looky, looky.

Daddy's playing hooky.

Where are you sneaking off to?

Are you a volunteer fireman?

No, wait, a spy.

(Gasps)

A fire spy.

What's a fire spy?

Oh, is that a secret too?

Dad, you don't have to tell me.

Daddy, please tell me!

Okay.

Listen.

I have a few free periods between classes, so I'm heading out to catch a movie.

Oh, what movie?

(Announcer voice)

In a world where gladiators need friends, there is...

Both: The gladiator g*ng.

I really want to see that movie.

Can I come?

Joey, I can't take you out of school to see a movie.

- (Sighs)

- (Honking)

Oh, come on.

Those weird moose kids get to leave.

They're going on a field trip.

That's the moose enthusiasts club.

Okay, all right.

Well...

The gladiator g*ng is set in ancient Rome.

The ancient Roman history club is born.

Nice try, Joey, but school comes before movies.

(Scoffs)

Dad...

I have two free periods with a lunch in between, a .

gpa, and I just so happen to have popcorn in my pocket.

Don't ask me why.

You know what?

Let's do it.

How old is this popcorn?

I don't know.

How old is this sweater?

Om...

Om...

Wow.

Reggie, you look so great.

Thanks, Liv.

I took your advice.

Dressing to impress my girl.

I wrote a poem too.

Tell me what you think.

Okay.

Bling!

Blang!

My green-eyed girl sings, blastoff, she's a rocket, in orbit around my heart.

This is my heart.

It's b*ating.

(Laughs)

Ah, yes.

I can see that.

Well, gotta find Dr. P.

Stay pretty.

Okay.

Okay, so maybe Reggie does have a crush on...

I said that!

Remember when I said that?

Does momma know kids, or what?

Mom, how am I supposed to let someone down when they're as sweet as that?

Oh, honey, just be delicate you know, you're probably the first crush he's ever had.

The way you treat him will affect every relationship he ever has.

Ever.

(Laughs nervously)

Okay, mom, that's kind of, like, a lot of pressure on me.

Oh, honey, I'm not trying to put pressure on you.

Just remember how tight he is with Parker.

You don't want to destroy that friendship.

I do not envy being you right now.

- Mom, what am I supposed to do?

- You should probably just marry him.

As faculty advisor of the terminal velocity club, I must say, I love skydiving.

After our field trip to the gladiator movie, Joey and I realized there were a lot of educational opportunities out there.

All you gotta do is start the right club.

(Air hissing)

The compressed-air fishing club went scuba diving in lake hacheemachee.

The enhanced engineering club went to the monster truck rally.

I got this hat and a healthy fear of large trucks.

What's that smell?

Can't tell whether that's coming from the oven or my butt.

It is chicken and dumplings.

It's actually Mr. Clodfelter's favorite dish.

Although, I'm kind of just now realizing that my dumplings are a little dumpy.

Yeah, well, the fumes are burning my nose.

We need some fresh air.

Hola, Rooneys.

Well...

Now I know what the butt smell was.

Put a sock in it, sass mouth.

I'm just here to drop off my weekly delivery for my future wife, Liv Rooney.

(Humming cherubic note)

You made a wedding cake?

You do know Liv hates you, right?

There's a fine line between love and hate, child.

(Sighs)

Hey, Artie, could you do me this really big favor and just kind of bow out of the competition?

'Cause I really need to win, or else they're not gonna let me play basketball anymore.

(Clicks tongue)

Hmm, I could do that, but I won't.

Do you know why?

It's really more of a yes or no question.

I'll tell you why!

'Twas a crisp October day, six years ago.

I'm sure you remember the rest.

Nope.

We were at recess, picking teams for dodgeball.

Ring a bell?

Not a ding.

I stood by, hoping that dodge dynamo Madison Rooney would look my way and pick me for her team.

Doesn't sound like something I would do.

And you didn't!

I was stuck playing duck, duck, goose with the kindergarteners.

Oh, I remember that.

You were goose for, like, a whole week.

Wait, you're mad at me because I didn't pick you for dodgeball in grade school?

Not mad, my sweet, motivated.

You took my dodgeball hopes, now I will take your basketball dreams.

Listen, Artie.

No one threatens my sister, except for me.

Now b*at it, goose.

Fine.

I was leaving anyway.

Oh, can one of you take a picture of Liv eating this...

Out.

No.

(Groans)

There's no way I'm gonna b*at Artie.

I am gonna fail Home Ec and be benched forever.

Are you really giving up that easily?

You worked so hard to get back on the team.

Come on, Maddie.

You gotta be able to cook something.

(Stammers)

I just don't care about cooking, you know.

The only thing I really care about is basketball.

Well, we have to figure out a way to channel that passion into food.

We're totally eating Liv's wedding cake first though, right?

Ah, chyea.

Sick!

(Both moaning)

Hey, Liv.

What you up to?

Oh, just brushing my teeth.

Whoa.

Okay, so I decided the best way to keep sweet, little Reggie from feeling rejected was to get him to reject me first.

(Lisping)

Sorry you have to see me like this.

(Laughing)

You know, I know you really have a thing for those bling smiles.

So...

Huh, I've gotta say, Liv, I admire you for letting me see your true self.

Mad respect.

What?

No!

You're supposed to reject me.

Because of your teeth?

What type of superficial monster do you think I am?

(Clears throat)

Okay.

Come here.

Um...

So, Reggie...

You...

Are a very, very sweet boy.

And, you know, somewhere out there is the perfect girl for you.

And when you meet her, she's gonna have no choice but to orbit around your heart.

But we really need to talk about this crush that you have on this green-eyed, older girl.

You know?

I think we both know who it is.

Oh, you know Clarissa too?

Yeah, I do.

Wait.

No!

What?

No.

Who's Clarissa?

A girl from my karate dojo.

(Laughs)

Okay, but hold on.

You said you had a crush on an older girl.

Yeah, she's three months older than me.

Wait, you didn't think I meant you, did you?

Yeah, no, it's possible that I thought that.

Yes.

Was this disgusting, slobbery mess your way of letting me down easy?

It's possible that it was, yes.

Liv, you're cute, but you're a little immature for me.

Don't worry.

I'm sure you'll find a nice guy.

Oh, that Artie dude seems into you.

Want me to hook it up?

Get out.

I am so excited to mini golf.

And is it just me, or do I look great in these tiny elf pants?

Well, looky, looky.

Two rooneys playing hooky.

We have permission slips signed by our faculty advisor.

Let it go.

It's over, son (chuckles)

Oh, it's not over.

- It's not?

- Oh, no.

No, I just had to open your club up to new memberships.

So, looks like you have some guests on your field trip.

Hi, guys.

The moose enthusiast club.

Yeah, and they don't want to mini golf.

They just want to sit in the woods, you know.

Just hope that a moose walks by.

Well, can't get any worse.

(Honking)

(Sustained note)

Hello, rooneys.

I hear we're going moosing together.

(Honks)

(Sighs)

I stand corrected.

It got worse.

Well, have fun, boys.

(Defeated tone)

Welcome to the Clodfelter cooking competition, which pits Maddie Rooney versus Artie smalls.

And this... is why we cook!

(Fanfare playing)

Behold the Clodfelter.

I had to use me pension money to have this lifty-thing installed.

Worth every penny.

Chef Artie, present your plate.

Why did the chicken dumplings cross the road?

(Laughs)

To deliver Maddie a beatdown!

Ooh...

Chicken and dumplings, my favorite dish.

Mmm.

Someone has been reading my self-published memoir...

From the fridge to the stove: The three foot journey.

Artie, you stole my dish!

You dirty dumpling.

Don't hate the plater.

Hate the game.

Very impressive, chef Artie.

One day, when Hollywood whisks me away for my cooking show, this kitchen kingdom, complete with the custom lifty-thing, will all be yours.

Pomegranate fizz fizz?

I shall drink it in celebration as I hoist the Clodfelter in victory.

Ah, not so fast.

My turn.

Sure, why not end on a whimper?

(Both laughing)

(Panting)

(Clears throat)

Behold...

Madison square meal garden.

The people's snackadium!

(Dance music playing)

♪ Yeah ♪

(Music continues)

Maddie, Maddie here to please.

lbs.

Of ham and cheese.

Snackadium, snackadium, go snackadium!

(Music stops)

A food cheerleader.

How delightful.

This snackadium, it intrigues me.

Excellent presentation, wonderful creativity.

Hmm...

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm.

Now, I know you just dumped these cheese cubes out of a bag, but...

They taste delicious.

The glory of the snackadium cannot be denied.

Maddie Rooney has won the Clodfelter!

(Cheering)

- No!

- Okay, yay!

Guys...

I'm back on the team.

What?

No!

This is a stain on the Clodfelter that can never be removed!

Poor Artie... so prepared in the kitchen, so unprepared for life.

(Laughing)

(Laughing maniacally)

(Coughing)

(Game show music playing)

Welcome, once again, to cooking with Clodfelter.

Today, we're making seven-layer dip surprise.

What's the surprise, you may ask?

We're using eight layers.

(Recorded laughter)

You get a car!

You get a car!

You get a car!

You get a custom-made lifty-thing.

(Clears throat)

Mr.

Clodfelter.

Whatcha doing?

Nothing, certainly not talking to an imaginary audience, pretending I have my own cooking show.

What do you want?

I was just gonna show Liv my snackadium.

Sorry, kid.

I ate it.

Oh.

Well, then...

Maybe we could teach the imaginary folks at home how to make their very own snackadium!

Excellent idea!

Who doesn't love a special guest star?

Welcome to the show, Liv and Maddie!

No channel hopping, we're about to get chopping.

(Dance music playing)

(Music continues)

Clodfelter: Whip it and flip it.