04x12 - Big Break-A-Rooney

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to Dr. P's lab.

Well, this must be important because you're wearing your stupid science slacks.

Ha, ha!

They are science-themed emoji joggers and I wear them like a boss.

Anyway, thank you for being my test subjects.

I have separated you because...

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Science experiment.

When do we get to eat the cake?

After you help me study animal behavior.

Ugh!

Identical twins are unique to the animal kingdom.

You share the same DNA so you should have the same IQ.

But I am gonna prove that's wrong by figuring out which one of you is smarter.

Okay, wait, why do people always want twins to compete?

Yeah, we're both equally smart.

- Oh, I'm smarter.

Duh.

- I'm smarter.

In a minute, you will do the written IQ test.

But first, your challenge is to see who can slice a cake into eight pieces using the fewest cuts.

Get to slicing.

- I'm gonna go check on Liv.

- A'ight.

Huh?

The challenge is to slice a cake.

Why are you making a salad?

Oh, well, you see, my challenge is to always eat healthy.

So...

Well, I guess Maddie wins this round.

You're supposed to cut it, not maul it!

Oh.

I definitely stopped listening after you said cake.

(Theme music playing)

♪ Better in stereo ♪

♪ B...

B... Better in stereo ♪

- ♪ I'm up with the sunshine ♪

- ♪ Let's go ♪

- ♪ I lace up my high tops ♪

- ♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Slam dunk, ready or not ♪

♪ Yeah, show me what you got ♪

- ♪ I'm under the spotlight ♪

- ♪ Holler ♪

♪ I dare you, come on and follow ♪

♪ You dance to your own b*at ♪

♪ I'll sing the melody ♪

♪ When you say yea-ah-ah ♪

♪ I say no-oh-oh ♪

♪ When you say stop ♪

♪ All I want to do is go, go, go ♪

♪ You, you, the other half of me, me ♪

♪ The half I'll never be-e ♪

♪ The half that drives me crazy ♪

♪ You, you, the better half of me, me ♪

♪ The half I'll always need ♪

♪ But we both know ♪

♪ We're better in stereo ♪

Hey, Ruby.

Oh, hey, Joey.

Aw, are you here to see your favorite cousin?

Or is it because we're having ribs for lunch?

No, uh, actually, Liv told me that Jim Breuer is guest-starring on the show today?

Yeah, I am a huge fan of his.

He is a triple thr*at, Ruby.

Stand-up, movies, T.V.

I mean, I guess he does comedy and all those things, so maybe he's a single thr*at with multiple outlets.

I'll find him for you.

Which means I'm leaving you unsupervised.

Don't embarrass me.

What?

Donut hole pyramid!

Ha, don't mind if I do.

Joey: (Mouth full)

Donut hole, yeah!

- Joey!

- Huh?

Pleased to meet you, sir.

Nice to meet you as well.

Uh, yeah, we don't need to touch.

Yeah.

Did I say he was my cousin?

Because I've never met him before.

Yeah, don't worry about that, Joey.

You're never really a family member until someone pretends they don't know you.

Well, Mr. Breuer, I am such a big fan of yours.

Actually, uh, I recently dipped my toe into the stand-up comedy pool.

Oh, wow.

Well, I hope you didn't dip it into the shallow end because that's where the kids like to do tinkle time.

See, I wanna be able to make sophisticated jokes just like that one.

My favorite comedian thinks I'm funny.

All that time spent performing at Quesadilla Joe's has been worth it.

And I've been thinking, after college, I'm gonna pursue comedy as a full-time career.

I mean, it's either stand-up comic or dragon-slayer.

But... that's all about who you know, so.

Hey, you know what?

Tonight, I'm hosting for Open Mic Night at The Laugh Palace.

I'm really tight with the owner, Mickey.

So, why don't you come down, I'll put in a good word, maybe he'll let you go up on stage.

Are you serious?

- Yeah.

- Mr. Breuer, that would be amazing!

The Laugh Palace is big time.

Doing stand-up there can launch your career.

Sorry, dragons, but you're gonna have to find someone else to slay you.

Mr. Breuer, I hate to be that guy, but...

Could you do your goat voice for me?

Are you serious?

Be that guy.

That guy pays my bills.

(Laughs)

(Bleats)

Try it.

(Poorly imitates Jim)

(Both bleating)

From here.

(Bleats)

- (Bleats)

- There you go.

Stop, science man.

How did the, uh, written IQ test go?

Did, uh, did I win?

Am I the smart one?

This isn't like a basketball game, Maddie.

There are no winners or losers.

Just data analysis to prove a hypothesis.

Yeah, totally get that.

Who won, though?

Revealing my results would compromise my scientific integrity.

- (Groans)

- And besides, you'll just lord it over Liv.

(Gasps)

Why would I lord it over Liv unless I'm the smart one!

Bam!

What?

- No, no, no.

I didn't say that.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you cannot backpedal.

I'm the smart one and it is out there like...

subatomic particles floating through the space-time continuum.

Okay!

I'm, like, so smart.

Okay, look, you did score higher than Liv, but you can't tell her.

Okay, yeah.

No, I totally understand, Parker.

I understand everything.

(Laughs)

Mickey!

- Breuer!

- Mickey!

- Breuer!

- Mickey!

Breuer!

How long we gonna do this?

Hey.

I wanna introduce you to a very funny kid.

I was hoping you would let him go up for Open Mic Night tonight.

Hi, I'm Joey.

(Exhales)

This is it.

This is the exact point in time where Joey Rooney got his big break.

It's my moment.

No, no.

It's my "Joe-ment."

How old are you, kid?

I'm...

I'm .

Ooh, no way.

You can't go into the club, you're too young.

But this is my dream, so...

I'd really like to work something out.

Hey, I got this, Joey.

Come on.

No.

- Oh, come on.

- No.

Come on!

No!

Sorry, Joey, did everything I could.

Yeah.

It's okay.

I'll have another once-in-a-lifetime opportunity come around real soon.

Oh, Ruby, I am so bummed.

This was my chance.

It was my golden opportunity.

But my dream is dead and there is no fixing it.

- Fixed it.

- What?

Here, I looked up the law and if they hire you to work in the club, you can legally go in and perform.

That's amazing!

You just saved my dream.

Oh, I've got another problem.

I sneezed blue yesterday.

So... what's the deal with that?

Um...

Did you put something blue up there?

Uh...

Oh, do blue freezy pops count?

Everything counts when it's up your nose.

(Chuckles weakly)

You know, now that I know that my IQ is much higher than Liv's, I really feel like I have to look out for her.

Or rub it in.

I could really go either way.

Hm.

Oh, you poor, poor dear.

Yes, remotes can be very hard.

Let me... help you.

Okay.

- (Music on TV)

- Oh.

What's happening?

Why are you smiling so weird?

What?

Mm, no reason.

Okay, well something's definitely up 'cause you've been acting weird all day.

Okay, no, I haven't.

I'll, uh... just leave this laying here in case you need it later.

Um, so Maddie, that was grammatically incorrect.

You should actually say I will leave this lying here.

- So...

- I'm fairly certain I'm correct on this matter, Olivia.

As they say, there's, um, more than one way to slice a cake.

Ha, ha!

Sophisticated word play?

Oh, Maddie.

You are too much.

Oh, and I know I'm correct because I, um...

Oh, yeah, I scored higher than you on the IQ test.

- (Gasps)

You didn't!

- I did.

I tricked Parker into telling me.

I outwitted him.

This is something that smart people do.

(Singsongy)

One, two, three, four, Maddie got the highest score.

I'm smarter!

Whoo, whoo!

I'm smarter!

Whoo, whoo!

I'm smarter, I'm smarter.

I'm smarter, I'm smarter.

I'm smarter.

Who's smarter?

I'm smarter.

What did you do?

Maddie says that you told her that she scored higher on the IQ test.

And is that true?

Because I really always thought that I was the smart one.

I mean, not that I was gonna lord it over her, but tell me I'm smarter!

- Liv, it's just a dumb test.

- Yeah.

And Maddie wasn't even supposed to say anything.

Especially since I mixed up the scores and...

(Gasps)

If you mixed up the scores, then that means that I'm the smart one!

I'm so smart, I figured it out!

Please, do not tell Maddie.

It will ruin the integrity of the project.

Ugh, fine.

I won't tell her.

(Singsongy)

Five, six, seven, eight.

Liv's the smartest, and she's great!

I'm smarter!

Whoo, whoo!

I'm smarter!

Whoo, whoo!

I'm smarter!

I'm smarter!

(Sings high note)

And I'm the better singer.

Mickey!

Yeah, we don't have that relationship.

Like I said, you're too young to get inside.

Oh, actually, Mr. Mickey, I checked, and I'm allowed in the club if I'm a paid performer.

But you're not, so b*at it.

Just...

please, give me a sh*t?

This is my dream.

Wow.

Kid with a dream, that's interesting.

Still a no.

But it's interesting.

Okay.

Please?

I promise you, I'll do a great job.

Look, I just don't think kids are funny.

Okay?

I've got four of my own and not one of them has ever made me laugh.

Not even the skinny one that falls all the time.

It's just so...

sad.

Okay, I'm sorry about your sad kid, but I promise you...

I'll do well.

Just, please give me the opportunity.

Look, I hire comics to get laughs.

Okay?

Not for school credit.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me, are you the bouncer?

The bouncer?

Are you serious?

A kitten could push me out of the way.

(Laughing)

Would tickle me with his whiskers, that would distract me.

(Laughing)

You're a hoot.

Are you performing tonight?

Oh, thank you but, no, no.

I'm old enough to ride the scary rides, but not old enough to perform in that club.

I asked, but the owner said no.

Ah, that's too bad.

Yeah, it's okay.

I'm used to hearing a no.

In fact, I expect a no with... everything that I ask.

Like, "Hey, Mom.

Can I buy a squirrel-monkey on the Internet?"

"No."

"Hey cool kids, can I sit with you?" "No."

Can I abandon everyone and everything around me and live in a shack in the middle of the woods with a bunch of cats?

Sadly, not yet.

No.

I realized, I didn't need to get into that club.

The same people that could laugh inside, were standing outside.

And I don't even charge a cover.

My "he-he's" are free-free.

So, uh, I'm almost , guys.

Yeah, it's exciting.

Once I'm , I'll be halfway to .

Yeah.

That may not sound like a monumental age, but my mom has been telling people that she's for the past years.

So...

Must be a good age, guys.

It sticks around for a long time.

I'm gonna be able to vote in the next election, I'm so excited.

I just started doing some research 'cause previously I thought that you just chose between an elephant and a donkey.

No, that is not the case, guys.

They actually stand for stuff.

I thought it was like a, "Who would win in a fight?" sort of situation.

Mickey!

You're not Mickey, where's Mickey?

Joey: Do you guys like impressions?

- Crowd: Yeah.

- Joey: Yeah?

Yeah.

Me too.

So, uh...

I have a punchable face, guys.

I have this face.

It's very punchable, I've been told.

It's okay, I've come to terms with it.

What I mean by that, is that if I was walking down the street, and some random guy were to just punch me in the face, I would completely understand.

"I'd be like, 'Oh, no, you're good, man. I hate it too.'"

Ha, ha!

(Laughs)

Aw, Liv.

Why take on something so complicated?

Let your wiser sister help you.

So sweet, Maddie.

Yeah, you know, the instructions actually aren't in English.

But they are in a language that you can understand.

(Gasps)

Pictures!

I setup an elaborate trap to lure a patronizing Maddie to her comeuppance.

Cost me $ , but it was worth it.

I also got this light-up pig!

- Pictures?

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, no, no, no.

What are you talking about, Liv?

I'm the smarter one.

Are you, Madison?

Are you?

Parker messed up the test results, and it turns out that I have the higher IQ.

Bam!

What?

No.

No.

You are just trying to trick me but guess what?

I'm not gonna fall for it.

'Cause why?

I'm more smarter.

(Chuckles)

Okay.

I didn't mean to say that.

Uh, what I meant to say is... it is on!

Oh, bring it!

It's gonna be brought!

Which is the proper conjugation!

I cannot believe you.

Oh, you can't believe me?

Or you can't understand me because I'm so smart?

Oh, yeah, smarty pants.

How many... digits of pi do you know?

More than you!

Both: Three point one four one five nine...

(Air horn blows)

Well, well, well.

This is even better than I thought it would be.

Parker?

What are you doing on our TV?

I prefer to think of it as a secure location.

Okay, why do you need a secure location?

Because you two simple and predictable rats took the cheese and proved my hypothesis.

Wait, what are you talking about?

You said that your hypothesis was that one of us had a higher IQ.

I say a lot of things, girls.

For the record, you both have very high IQs.

But this was not about your IQs.

The experiment was to see how animals react to change in status.

It's usually performed with agitated baboons, but...

the zoo's kind of a far walk and you two are right here, so.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, science experiment.

So wait, which one of us is smarter?

It's me, girls.

It's always been me.

I'm from Wisconsin.

So many more food choices here in California than we have in Wisconsin.

Like in Wisconsin, you have fast food and you have cheese, and you settle.

But here in California, everybody's trying to get me to try tofu.

Everybody's like, "Oh, you gotta try tofu."

And I'm like, okay, what does it taste like?

And they're like, "That's the great part.

Nothing."

I'm like, okay, no, thank you.

And they're like, "You don't understand."

It tastes like whatever it's cooked with.

So if we were to cook it with chicken, it would taste just like the chicken that we cooked it with.

And I'm like, okay.

Then I will eat the chicken that you cooked it with.

And you can have the sponge.

He's so funny, I don't want to pay to go in.

Don't you see?

He's k*lling it!

Give him a chance.

Come on.

Joey: Everybody in L.A....

Everybody's, like, trying some new diet.

Right, like, uh, Paleo?

Have you guys heard of Paleo?

Yeah, with Paleo, you eat whatever a caveman could find or prepare.

So if a caveman doesn't eat the food, you don't eat it.

'Cause everybody wants to be just like a caveman, and live to the ripe old age of .

Come on!

You're just not gonna stop until I say yes.

Mickey!

Living in the South, that's where the biggest bugs are in the world.

I wake up, middle of the night, get a snack, turn on the kitchen light...

They got my dog tied up, big bug's going, "Turn off the light.

The dog's gonna get it.

Show us where your leftovers are."

I'm just... trying to get some milk.

You know when you're driving down the street and the bugs are smashing on your windshield?

You never deal with it.

Not in the South, these bugs come looking for you three days later, banging on your door.

Open it up, there's a whole pack of them.

"Hey, is that your car parked over there?

Charlie, is this the guy?"

"Let me look, let me look.

That's him, he just left me there!"

"Come outside for a second.

We want to talk to you.

Bring the leftovers and the dog."

All right, well keep those hands applauding because we have a new face to the Laugh Palace.

Please welcome Mr.

Joey Rooney.

Hey, how's it going, guys?

- (Scattered responses)

- Yeah!

I just started stand-up fairly recently.

I just got my first hater on social media.

Yeah.

It did not take long for me to get a hater.

It was pretty much instantly.

But I got a message that said, "I don't care what your mom tells you, you're not funny."

And I was like, oh, oh.

My dad has figured out social media.

I'm a paid comedian.

And I defeated Mickey, who's as scary as a dragon.

Guys, I'm living both dreams!

Joey!

You k*lled it, you did a great job.

I want to see you back here next week.

- I get to come back?

- Yeah.

And go inside?

Thank...

Thank you!

Thank you so much, Mickey, I can't believe it.

I feel so grown up.

♪ I'm a stand-up comedian ♪

♪ I'm a stand-up comedian ♪

♪ I'm a... a stand-up comedian ♪

♪ A-one, two, three, four ♪

♪ I'm a stand-up comedian ♪

- He did great, huh?

- Oh, he k*lled it.

I did better though, right?

I mean, he's no thr*at to my career.

Right?

Right?

He k*lled it.

What have I done?

Mick...

(Goat bleats)