02x07 - Dumb Patrol

[bunniefuu]

You have reached the award winning Eismann Gallery.

We will be closed due to an acute and unexpected infestation from the 13th of the month until further notice.

Thank you.

My bees.

My bees!

My bees.

My bees?

Oh, Rita!

Thank God, you're home.

Mickey.

You look a fright, what's the matter?

The long and short of it is Isabel got run over by a tractor trailer.

- How awful...

- I was gonna cancel the show but then I'd have to eat the deposit on the theater and...

What do you say?

Can you take over the role of the Blob Lady?

Mickey, a cast is a team.

When one of our ranks falls, it's up to the others - -to carry...

-It's a yes.

- Or no question, doll.

Yes!

I'd be honored for the good of the team.

Thanks, kid.

You're welcome.

Mother.

What are you doing here?

Saving your career.

What else?

I beg your pardon.

I beg your pardon.

Don't you dare put on those airs with me, Gertrude Cramp.

I hope you know you weren't Mickey's first choice to replace - that little harpy.

But I changed her mind.

Changed her mind, how?

I think we both know the answer to that.

Bullshit!

What's up?

Nothing.

Um...

It's just...

when you said you live with a mummy, I thought you were exaggerating.

Oh, hell no.

If anything, I downplayed most of what I told you - about this place.

Come on.

Yo, Larry!

You okay?

Not since the early '60s, no.

Uh, this is Roni.

Hey.

Hello.

We'll just...

let you keep doing...

whatever.

We're looking for Niles, you know where he is?

Space.

As in, outer?

Mmm-hmm.

Any idea when he'll be back?

Come on.

Bye.

My bees.

My bees!

My bees.

- My bees?

- Hey, Rita!

You have got to try this frittata.

They will change your life.

This is Roni, by the way.

- Hello.

- Hi.

And which one are you?

Oh, my God, you're Rita Farr.

I'm sorry.

I'm Miranda.

- -Hmm.

-Apparently she's.

- An amazing cook.

Where's Jane?

She's taking some time for herself.

Really?

I just can't believe I'm actually talking to you - right now.

I'm such a big fan.

Oh, don't be nervous, dear.

Celebrities are just like regular people.

Well, not really.

What's with the get-up?

I'm preparing for a role in a local production.

The Cloverton beekeeper has graciously agreed to let me shadow her today.

I also had to subscribe to her Honey of the Month club.

Are those pancakes I see?

I made them special for Dorothy...

as a peace offering.

I want her to know that everyone in the Underground wants to find a way to work - through this, together.

- What's the Underground?

- Oh, it's a place, uh...

inside Jane's mind.

Anyone know where Dorothy is?

Yeah, space.

- Chief's on it.

- Oh.

I best be off.

Okay.

Um...

Okay, I've seen a lot of sh*t.

But this...

y'all ain't right.

I wish I could say you get used to it, but...

What is it?

It's a crate, Larry.

- Did anyone else just feel something weird.

- Go up their nose?

Or is that some status quo sh*t around here too?

Yeah.

Okay.

- -Let's open this bad boy up and see what's what.

- -Wait.

It says "do not open" on the front and on the side...

and on the back.

Maybe we should wait for Niles.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm with Vic.

I...

I can't explain it but it...

It feels like a really good idea to open that crate.

Yeah.

Me too.

Well, let's get this party started.

No, no, wait.

Is that the painting that ate Danny?

Hold on.

Where's Mr.

Nobody and the Beard Hunter?

That's too bad.

I was really looking forward to catching up with those guys.

Oh, yeah, that would have been nice.

- Slept all the way through our landing, - didn't you?

Dream well, dear girl.

I'll be back.

Fine!

I'll f*cking walk.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

God damn, mother...

Piece of sh*t.

I'm going to k*ll him.

I'm gonna k*ll him.

I...

am going...

What the f*ck?

Get back!

f*ck!

I'm going to k*ll him.

I'm gonna k*ll that bird.

Then I'm gonna f*cking k*ll him.

Good morning.

Morning.

You must be the actress.

Actress, storyteller, student of character, pleasure to meet you.

Mmm.

Are they gonna have real bees on stage?

No, I don't think so.

Don't need the outfit, then.

A ballerina doesn't wear a tutu to a bowling alley.

Terrific point.

What you writing?

I like to take notes.

Every bit helps me prepare for my monolog.

Monolog?

The script you sent me only had one line.

"My bees." Why say it in one line, when you can say it in seven.

There is so much more to your story, I know it.

Not really.

The only reason I'm in this...

Rhiannon, where you think you're going?

Don't forget that honey jar.

Got to get Mr.

Fusco something sweet so that you don't flunk biology again!

You really shouldn't do that.

- Do what?

- That.

The honey.

Using bribery to open doors for your daughter.

Trust me, that girl's as dumb as sh*t.

Ain't no jar of honey gonna get her into Yale.

She's your daughter!

How dare you say that about her?

She's more than just a honey jar.

She is a person...

with hopes and dreams...

and potential.

Not bad, Ms. Monolog.

That coffee tastes like piss.

I'm gonna get a beer.

You want a beer?

Mmm-hmm -Yeah.

Everything all right, Larry?

Well, not really.

- Look, I...

I don't like to burden people.

- With my problems.

But you seem like someone I can really open up to.

You know?

My grandson is in the hospital and my family doesn't want me to see him, mostly because I'm the reason he's in the hospital.

Hmm.

Your family will understand...

in time.

You just have to give them a little space.

Yup.

I should go visit them.

You could.

But that would be the opposite of giving them space.

Ah.

Jane once told me never to ask her other personas for favors...

but you just seem so sweet and I really need to talk to Flit, right now.

Of course.

Hi, I'm here to visit Dex Trainor.

Sorry.

The family isn't taking any visitors right now.

No, it's okay.

Freeze!

Oh, sh*t.

Hands behind your heads!

Get down on your knees!

One sec, I got an idea.

Maybe this was a mistake.

Now my family hates me.

The Bureau of Normalcy is hunting me.

I could never just walk in to a hospital.

Unless...

Hello, I'm Dr. Larry Trainor and I'm here to check - on my grand...

Um...

- I mean...

patient.

- Patient.

De...

Dex Trainor.

Um, could you remind me where he's being treated?

Um...

Stat.

Don't worry.

They're never going to see through our disguise.

Um...

Flit?

- Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

- f*ck.

Hold on, wait.

We can't do this right now.

- -Why not?

-Because we came here.

- To try and fix you.

Well, yeah, but your...

grandpa...

dad...

friend, he's not here.

Remember?

- -He's in space.

-It doesn't matter, - we don't need him.

He's actually a pretty bad scientist.

And I'm carrying around the most advanced AI system - on the planet.

I could fix you myself.

What's up?

Well, Vic's just offered to perform surgery on me.

Like, himself?

- -Oh, anything we can do to help?

- Hell, yeah.

You're already dressed like doctors.

You ready?

Booyah.

Booyah.

- Should probably get you something.

- To bite down on first.

Hey, again.

Sorry, I know I'm new.

- But are you guys absolutely sure.

- This is a good idea?

Yes.

I've never been more certain of anything in my whole life.

It just seems...

that everyone, including Flit, has been acting strangely, since this morning.

You're right, Nicer-Jane.

I have been acting strangely.

But I think I know why.

Roni, I know we haven't been dating very long, I mean, we only slept together two and a half times...

but I just can't pretend anymore.

I love you.

Aw!

Cut me open, you big softy.

Oh, you f*cking twats.

You did it, didn't you?

You opened the box.

The one that's marked "do not open" on the front, the back and the sides.

All caps.

Underlined.

I thought it was more of a suggestion as opposed to a hard rule.

Anyone else infected?

Infected?

With what?

- The love bug.

- The love bug.

Scants.

The painting was crawling with them when we traded it - to Horst Eismann, Although we didn't know it.

Now, that old Swiss bastard's entire collection is crawling with the buggers.

Only way to clear 'em out is to k*ll the queen.

If I don't, Eismann's gonna feed my ass to a zombified alicorn.

What?

Uh, first of all...

Nice butthole?

Really makes your eyes pop.

And second, what exactly are Scants?

Niles has an old Templar slideshow in his study.

It'll tell you everything you need to know.

Now, just sit tight and watch telly till Mommy gets back.

All right, loves?

God help you morons.

Scants and You.

Have you ever seen a Scant?

Well, I have.

And I'd like to tell you all about them.

Scants are pink humanoid pests.

Odd-looking fellows, aren't they?

Scants adhere to a social hierarchy similar to bees.

There's a queen and the faithful drones that serve her.

Just how do they serve her?

I'm so glad you asked.

Scants place bad ideas in your head.

When your brain accepts the bad ideas as good ideas, a pink viscous substance called Idyat secretes from your ears.

Idyat, however, is only visible to Scants.

The Scants harvest the Idyat and refine it into its most potent form, known as Uma Jelly.

The queen then feeds upon the Uma Jelly, which gives her a variety of extraordinary powers.

The only way to clear a Scant infestation is to k*ll the queen.

If you discover a Scant infestation, under no circumstances should you approach it unless you have the proper equipment.

Becoming infected by Scants is extremely dangerous, as the bad ideas will compound and lead to death...

dismemberment...

and more death.

Thank you for your kind attention.

We here at the Knights Templar hope you have a wonderful, - Scant-free day.

This makes so much sense.

You guys are infected.

Mmm, I don't think so.

You were about to operate on Roni.

He had a lab coat on.

Good thing we did.

Now we can help Willoughby k*ll the Scant queen.

Yes!

Great idea.

Vic.

Larry.

I applaud your heroic spirit.

But I think it's best if we sit this one out.

Miranda.

You're great.

Like, really, really great.

You are so great.

But we're gonna need more of a can-do attitude from you.

Okay.

- We'll do it.

- Yes!

But, before we go into that painting, we should come up with a plan, first.

Yeah.

Okay.

Guys?

f*ck, f*ck!

Fucker ejects me into space?

What kinda person does that?

assh*le person, that's who!

Has no business looking after a kid.

None!

I ought to do Dorothy and the entire planet a favor by k*lling the sh*t out of him.

Yeah, first I'll eject him into space, then I'll find his stupid body, rip off his stupid head and take a mother of all craps down his neck-hole.

Except I can't sh*t anymore.

sh*t!

Okay.

New plan!

Eject him into space, find his body and a Great Dane with giardia, have it take a sh*t down his neck-hole!

Yes!

Revenge by Marmaduke.

It's happening!

The f*ck?

What the f*cking f*ck?

Okay, okay, it's stuck, first time something like this has happened.

Okay.

Here we go.

Come on.

Move, you stupid assh*le legs.

m*therf*cker!

Seeing one's mother as a sexual being is traumatic enough.

- Seeing her get rigorously boffed.

- By one's producer.

- -Is a whole other basket of cheese.

- -I'll bet.

Look, I'm no big city headshrinker.

But the way I see it, you're suffering from a whopping case of imposter syndrome.

Believe me, I'm aware.

What I can't figure out is how to...

just move past it.

It might help if you saw things through your mom's eyes, - for a minute.

I highly doubt it.

Humor me.

See, what people don't realize is that their moms are just as stupid as they are.

- But because they squeeze the human being.

- Through their pee-hole...

They expect them to be super-human.

My, what a way with words you have.

A mom can love a kid to the moon and back, but it doesn't mean that she knows how to express it in healthy and constructive ways.

So, when your mom boffed...

that producer...

she didn't realize that she was shackling you with chronic self-doubt.

I believe she did it because she loved you.

Oh, so that's it?

We're just supposed to endure the toxic stupidity of our mothers?

Well, you could...

give her a call and tell her how you feel.

Ugh, she's been dead for ages.

- -Oh.

-She went peacefully.

- In her sleep.

Unfortunately.

Well, in that case, you need a surrogate.

For what, precisely?

To yell at, dummy.

- To say all the crap that you want to dump.

- On your mother.

You want me to yell at you?

No, not me.

"My bees." You want me to scream at your bees?

It ain't gonna hurt their feelings none.

You can't believe how cathartic it is.

- Sometimes I think that's the only thing.

- That's keeping me.

From k*lling that dumb-as-sh*t kid of mine.

Hey!

Hey.

I know I'm new to the group...

and I don't know how you handle...

things like this.

Well, typically we just kinda wing it and everything works out.

And, uh, under typical circumstances I'm sure that's a fine way to go.

I'm sorry to keep harping on this, but you guys are infected with bad ideas.

So, any strong urges you might be having.

Shh!

Beard Hunter?

Cyborg!

- How the heck can you see me?

- Hey, wassup, man?

- Oh.

- How you doing?

- How am I?

- Yeah.

Uh, well, you know, I've been stuck in this - friggin' painting, Being hunted by tiny pink eunuchs.

So...

how are you?

Amazing, I'm in love.

- With her.

- Okay.

Yeah.

If we can just keep it down, for cripes' sake, it's, uh, a little sketch in here.

Hey, where's Mr. Nobody?

Oh, yeah, I would love to meet him.

Yeah, well, you know, he got a gig on some animated bullcrap.

So, haven't seen him since.

Are you infected, too?

With Scants?

No way, Jose.

So you thought it was a good idea to just paint the front of your body?

Pardon me, gentlemen.

Listen, little lady.

I'm a self-trained shinobi warrior.

And a semi semi-professional, Fortnite streamer.

Okay.

So, if anyone knows how to stay hidden...

Oh, sh*t.

Scants.

Get behind me, quickly.

Quickly, quickly.

Beep!

Beep!

Don't move, if they see us, we're all dead.

Beep!

Beep!

Beep!

Beep!

Uh, excuse me.

Beep!

Excuse me.

Hi.

I'm Dr. Larry Trainor.

No.

No, that's not right.

Don't worry, guys, I got this.

Name's Vic, aka Cyborg.

We're a rag-tag group of misfit superheroes hoping to k*ll your queen.

Can we follow you to your hive?

Guys?

We should start running.

- Beep!

- Beep!

Nah, it's cool, they're totally gonna let us follow them.

Because they're taking us hostage.

Come on, you guys.

Keep up.

- Beep!

Beep!

Beep!

Beep!

Beep!

- Okay.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

Can't f*cking move!

Can't f*cking k*ll the Chief if I can't f*cking move.

- Can't get my f*cking moving fixed.

- If I f*cking k*ll the Chief.

Whoa.

No way.

A talking statue?

I'm not a f*cking statue.

I'm a f*cking robot.

Whoa, robot?

Can you move?

Not at the moment.

I don't know, dawg.

Sounds like something a statue would say.

- Lit.

- Hey, uh...

my dude.

Could I use your phone?

Maybe so, my friend.

Yeah, maybe so.

But first, could I get you doing a quick shout-out to my boy Double Grapes?

He's gonna trip.

What?

No!

Dude, just let me use your f*cking phone.

Please?

What up, Double Grapes?

It's me, Robotman.

Congratulations on making bail again.

One love.

Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.

sh*t, let's try another number.

Whoa.

One shout-out, one call.

Are you f*cking kid...

What up, Thunder Nuts?

Sorry to hear that your stepmom is allergic to cats.

Tell her Robotman said, "Go f*ck yourself!" One love.

Clara?

Clara, don't hang up, it's...

Hi, you've reached.

Salty Bump's Bar and Restaurant and Taco Shop.

- Bump?

- Our operating hours - are 8:00 a.m. to 2:00 a.m.

- You gotta be kidding me.

Closed on Sundays, for Jesus.

Hey, Clara, it's Cliff.

Your dad.

Your real dad.

Not that folksy assh*le on your answering machine.

You know what?

You had the chance to have me in your life and you f*cking threw it away.

I'll probably die here on the side of the road just like you wanted.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm not cut out to be a father.

I'm just a robot.

A statue, a piece of trash.

So don't bother throwing a wake at your shitty bar for me.

Oh, wait, that...

That came out wrong.

Oh!

Oh, man.

Bro.

That's some rough sh*t.

Give the phone back!

I need a do-over.

- Look, man, sometimes you need to know.

- When to take the I.

You know what I'm saying?

One love.

Hey, come back here!

Holy sh*t.

Holy sh*t!

Whoo-hoo!

One more chance.

One more chance!

One more chance!

One more chance!

One more chance!

One more chance!

One more chance!

- Well, this is a bit melodramatic.

- Even for me.

If you could see me now.

How the mighty have fallen.

Who was once on the cover of Vogue?

Fine.

Who was on the inside cover?

Inside back cover.

And you know what?

That should have been good enough, shouldn't it?

I did that.

And I did so much more.

Without any help from you.

I'm sure you thought you deserved credit.

You don't!

I gave you enough.

I solved all of your problems.

And who's going to solve mine?

Me?

I wouldn't even know where to start.

How am I supposed to fix something inside of me that you broke?

This was supposed to be cathartic.

What is this?

You're here, aren't you?

I love you here.

I can sense you.

I came all this way.

I need to speak with you about our daughter.

Our daughter.

She's...

She's extraordinary.

She's amazing every moment.

Her kindness...

her purity of spirit.

I thought I needed to protect her from the world.

But now I fear I must protect the world from her.

She is dangerous beyond measure.

Please.

I've tried everything.

I need you to understand that.

Now I fear I must do something awful.

If you know of a better way, please tell me.

Show me.

She's your daughter, too.

The mother cannot hear you.

The child belongs with me.

No, no, she does not!

Not whilst my blood runs in her veins.

Not whilst her mother's blood...

The mother is gone.

Soon the father will join her.

I endure...

You are just...

a passing nightmare to her!

I was here before you, Father, and I will be here long after you are gone.

You speak of the mother as if you know her.

You are a fool.

Just as the mother gave birth to the child, the mother gave birth to me.

You speak of her ancestors, Father.

Who do you think created me?

It can't be, it's not possible.

What did that monster mean when...

he said your people created him?

Why would they curse her like this?

How could you do this?

How could you do this to our little girl!

Lovely tent, lads.

Yo, Kipling, you made it.

Hey, where's your butt mask?

Don't need it.

Got 'em exactly where I want them.

Unless they k*ll me, I'll initiate my plan.

Damn!

They'll never suspect that.

Hmm.

There you guys are.

Welcome.

Are you all settled in?

All right.

Let me explain what's about to happen.

It's all very simple.

As we speak, the machine you're hooked up to is draining a substance called Idyat, from your quaint little brains and converting it into a resource that we call...

Uma Jelly.

Uma Jelly.

Uma Jelly is pure, uncut enlightenment.

Bottled evolutionary potential, not...

from concentrate.

Wow.

Oh, wow.

Mmm.

Thank you, thank you.

No, seriously, thank you.

Once we drain all the Idyat from your brains, each of you will sh*t your pants and die.

So, thank you.

Hey, don't make any sudden moves, man.

Give me your backpack.

Take it off right now, get it off...

- I'm taking off the backpack!

- I will sh**t you...

- I will sh**t you right now!

- Please, don't.

I'm sorry, did that sting?

Holy cow.

I feel amazing.

Seriously, I've never had Uma Jelly this potent before, I'm tingling.

You chickadees must have some truly, deeply, terrible ideas.

However so tragic, you're each other's worst idea.

Like...

a duck being friends with a lobster.

She was right, you don't belong here.

Your biggest mistake is thinking that you can stay.

Wow.

That's amazing, you nailed me.

Oh, darling, I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to that poor little...

stray living inside you.

Doesn't matter how many times you summon her, Willoughby.

She'll never love you.

She's a talking horse and she has no torso.

You don't know that.

You don't need a torso to have a heart.

Interesting.

I've never met someone...

who displayed an immunity to our Scantification.

- What's your name?

- Miranda.

Miranda.

What's your secret?

I mean, I know there's a bad idea in there, I can smell it.

Perhaps one of the worst ideas of all time.

But somehow, you're keeping it from me.

We just need to squeeze it out.

Eat...

sh*t.

- My water bed broke!

- Beep, beep, beep.

No!

Somebody, get the patch kit!

Shall we go home now?

- You know what?

- I think...

I should...

- probably just...

- No, screw that nasty ass...

earwax-eating freak.

Like, who is she to say it's a bad idea for us - to be together?

Well, she's the queen of bad ideas.

So, I'm guessing she kinda has an authority - -on that subject.

- Look, if we want to do this, - then we should just do it.

I like you.

A lot.

So, what do you say?

I thought you said you loved me?

- But that was when I was...

- So you didn't really mean it?

I'm just f*cking with you, dude.

Aw, thank you for trying to let me down gently.

Okay.

Oh, that was, uh, before when I, uh, uh...

Well, yeah, so you think you're a comedian now, huh?

- -Oh, I bet I can be one.

- Is that right?

Give me - something to laugh at.

I gotta go.

You coming?

I'm going to wait for Niles.

Call me later?

We'll see.

Can I help you, sir?

Um...

Uh, yeah, the patient who was in this room, - Dex Trainor...

Checked out this afternoon.

Was he, uh...

How was he?

I can't tell you anything specific...

- but we don't tend to release people.

- Who are still sick.

Thanks.

Cliff?

Clara?

Your friend Vic let me in.

Wh...

What are you doing here?

I got this in the mail.

The man...

Niles Caulder...

he really do all those things to you?

I don't see what the big deal is.

I saved our asses a hundred times before.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

You know what Miranda doesn't do?

Pout, like a little bitch.

Holly.

What's wrong?

Have you seen...

Scarlet Harlot?

Not lately...

but she's a bit of a night owl.

Why?

She didn't show up for book club...

and we read that new dinosaur memoir and she was ever so keen to discuss it.

I'm starting to get worried.

Scarlet?

Are you here?

The f*ck?

Why is your station closed?

Oh, f*ck me.

Hello, Kipling.

I..

I, um...

So this is...

that call, then.

It is.

When?

I need one more day.

Then...

What will you do with her?

You don't have to worry about that.

I just need to know...

where and when.

I'll make sure it's done.