09x21 - Keep on Truckin'

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Last Man Standing". Aired: October 2011 to present.
"Last Man Standing" follows a senior executive and director of marketing for an outdoor sporting goods store chain, based in Denver, Colorado, as he tries to maintain his manliness in a world increasingly dominated by women - especially at home with his wife and three daughters, one of whom is a single mother.
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09x21 - Keep on Truckin'

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay, the girls are asleep.

I can't believe how long it took Kyle and Ryan to get them home.

Oh, I can.

They were having way too much fun in that tent.

It's kind of weird when the toddlers are the ones going, "Can't we go home now?"

Kyle has an innocence about him, which I happen to love.

You know, a lot of guys would've thought it was weird

- to start dating me after dating my sister.

- Mm-hmm.



Well, you know, it's not as outrageous as it sounds.

Kris dated Ryan and then they broke up...

Yeah, and then Dad tried to set up Mandy and Kyle.

And then Kyle started dating Kris.

And then Ryan came back and Mandy dated Kyle.

And then Ryan went back to dating Kris.

- And then I dated Kyle...

- BOTH: What?

No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.


Well, one thing's for sure, Kyle was bound to be a Baxter.

Because I think we all know who he's really in love with, you know?

BOTH: Dad.

Where'd he go?

Oh, that's his superpower.

He can escape conversations in a single bound.

♪ ♪ Mike, where are you?

- Mike.


Oh, God!

- Right here.



Well, I was hoping to find you in here.

Just, it's...

- it's been such a great night and...

- Yeah.

I wanted more of it.

With you, with you.

I mean, gosh, how lucky are we?

- Very lucky.

- Yeah.

Well, you know what I was doing, I was clearing out my glove compartment to make room for something that's really important to me.

That's very sweet, but, honestly, I don't think I'd fit in there.

- Remember the guy I bought the truck from?

- Yeah.

- Well, he died.

- Oh.

Well, I don't think he'd fit in there, either.

Actually he was cremated, so I think there would be room for him in there.

Mm, all right.


I talked to his family and they found a box of all the original paperwork on this truck, and in there was the original bill of sale.

Wow, wow.

The original bill of sale.

This is what I love about you.

You get excited for stuff for me even though you have no idea what I'm talking about.

Look, I-I may not know all the little nitty-gritty details, but I do sincerely love this truck.

She loves you back.

Don't you, baby?

Don't you, baby?

You know what, anything that makes you happy

- makes me happy, mm.

- Mm.

Well, this makes me really happy, not just happy.

'Cause it's, like, the final piece of the puzzle to make this a perfect restoration.

It's like the final brushstrokes of the Sistine Chapel.

Mm, well, well, hey, I mean, the Sistine Chapel's pretty great, but it didn't drive the two of us to Grand Lake.

- To Grand Lake.

What a trip, what a trip.

- Mm-hmm.


- Well, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Emailed me back.

Looks like they're gonna say yes.

No, no.


What's the matter?

What, do they want more money?

No, they sold it to somebody else.


I mean, who-who would want this?

You said it wasn't worth anything to anybody else.

I'll give you a hint.

(IMITATES JOE): He talks like this.

He comes over and he always makes a noise like that.

Buzz Lightyear with a cold?

So the monkey says, "You put it in, you pull it out".


- Ah, that's a...



Good morning, Baxter.

I was just out in the parking lot admiring your truck.

Uh, amazing restoration.

But it's just so close to perfect.

Great jokes, great jokes.

Before you get any more jokes, remember, that chin makes a really big target.

How did you even know about the bill of sale?

You blabbed about it as soon as you heard from them.

You talk about finishing that truck more than you talk about your kids.

I talk about my kids a lot.

They just don't win as many awards as the truck.

Why do you want the bill of sale?

Uh, I think it's obvious, isn't it?


You want it because I want it.

Whoa, are we in a church basement?

'Cause I think I just heard somebody yell, "Bingo!"

All right, all right, all right.

How much do you want?

You know, I mean, come on, I mean, to find the original bill of sale for a vehicle that old...


that's very rare.

I understand that, you viper.

Okay, look, just to get this over with, I'll go to my maximum amount.

I'll give you...

I will give you $ .


Got to say no.


Seven fifty.

That's not what I'm thinking.

All right, all right, all right, all right, I give up.

Cut the crap, you win, you win.

Go ahead, you win.

What do you want?

How much do you want for it?

I want nothing.

I want to give it to you.

What kind of a sick game is this?


every time you look at that truck, you're gonna remember that it was finally completely restored

- by your best friend Joe.

- No, no, no, no...


$ , .

It's our bond, for life.


- Eh...

- Here you go, Mikey boy.


That's my new best friend name for you.

And you can call me Joey boy.


I-I would give you $ , .

That was such a nice dinner tonight, hon.

Thank you.

Listen, you deserve to have me make your dinner every night.

Not gonna happen, but you deserve it.


Well, uh, as much as I'd like to think it was me, I'd bet it has more to do with your truck and her...

original bill of sale.


Wow, sexy pickup truck talk.

It's getting to be quite a night, huh?

You know, I don't want to jinx anything, but everything has just been so perfect lately.

MIKE: You know what's perfect?


- This shower's got room for two people.

That worked?


- VANESSA: Oh, great.

It's bedtime and some idiot's alarm is going off.

MIKE: Coming through.

That's not an idiot.

That's my car alarm.

That's the truck.


What, aren't you gonna go down and turn it off?

No need to go down there.

It's driving down the street.

VANESSA: How could somebody steal a truck that quickly?

I agree with Officer King.

It was obviously professionals.

Yeah, maybe if I had professionals put my car alarm on, that would've worked.

The alarm worked.

- I-I heard it all the way over at my house.

- I-I know.

I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just so angry.

Yeah, I know this is hard, Baxter.

Yeah, I'm sorry, honey.

I know how much that truck meant to you.

I've had that truck ten years.

That's longer than I've done improvement on this home.

But, I mean, wasn't there some-some kind

- of tracking device you guys installed?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but...

- But what?

- We're getting no GPS signal, which means somehow they figured out how to disable it?

Yeah, well, meaning what?

Meaning the truck is no longer on the network.

Stupid network.

Stupid, stupid network.

Well, may-maybe there's another network you could find it on.

It's not the way it works, honey.

Actually, I've heard of that happening before.

I'm not holding my breath.

KRISTIN: Okay, thank you, Officer.

- Nothing yet.


They say only one in five stolen cars gets recovered.

But that's just cars.

Maybe trucks are different.

We are gonna b*at those odds.


Uh, where's Dad?

We want to give him our social media update.

Uh, in a helicopter.

Apparently he has a friend who works for traffic for Channel Five.

Oh, Channel Seven is way better.

They have that Accu-Traffic Meter.

But this is good.

So, what's the update?

Um, well, we posted photos on both of our profiles.

And so far, people have zero trucks to give.

Get it?

Yes, that's hilarious.

You know...


You know what, just-just, um, put a picture

- of the truck on the Outdoor Man Twitter feed.

- Okay.

Told you she wouldn't like the "zero trucks" thing.

So, Joe.

- What are we looking at?

- Really?

Look, I know you grew up with GPS on your phone, but this is what the rest of us call a map.

Okay, uh, what are the pins for?

Okay, the pins represent every chop shop in the Denver area, okay?

If your dad's truck is being stripped down for parts, it's at one of these pins.

- Nice work, Joe.


- Well, hey, it...

I take it personally, you know?

I mean, the bill of sale I gave him is in that truck.

It was the symbol of our union and somebody stole our union.


I think that's what he's most upset about.

- Oh...


- Hey.

- Still no IDs from Mike's surveillance cameras.

- Oh, man.

Those guys wore masks, they were fast, they were good.

Uh, how are Ryan and Kyle doing with their podcast?

Well, I disapprove of the term "nerd alert",

- but they are literally alerting the nerds.

- Hm.


Emergency pod, emergency pod.

This is Ry-Ry and Ky-Ky, the Sci-Fi Guy-Guys, coming at you with a live podcast.

If you are anywhere within the sound of my voice, we are looking for a green F pickup.

And if you have any information on the whereabouts of this truck, you will be rewarded with an autographed copy of volume one, issue of Dr. Calamity.

BOTH (RUSSIAN ACCENT): "Diagnosis Chaos".

Okay, listen up, guys, listen.

Yeah, I'm putting out a press release for the safe return of Mike's truck.

Oh, well, that's very nice of you, Ed.

- But, wow!

- Mm-hmm.

I mean, that, this is a heck of a lot of money.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna give it to them.

No, the reward is to lure the thieves here.

- Mm-hmm.

- Right?

And then...

b*at the crap out of them, because they're not gonna

- get away with this...

- Okay, Ed, Ed, listen, listen.

I-I know you're trying to help, but, um, generally, rewards just tend to...

well, they lead to false tips, you know?

- Oh, right.

- Yeah, Ed, maybe-maybe you can get some of your friends to help, you know?

You know, people who know people.

You know what I mean?

Chuck, that offends me.

That's really offens...

What makes you think I know the kind of people that you're describing?

- Hey, man, I-I...

- I mean, it's, yeah, right, sure.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll give them a call.

Sweetheart, sweetheart, come on.

You got to try to relax.

Just, why don't you go do something, take your mind off it?


You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna head out and work on my truck.

Oh, wait a minute.


Come on, you...

look, you've barely eaten, you haven't slept.

I-I mean, I'm-I'm worried about you.

Something I love in my life has been taken from me, and I just want to know what happened to it.

That's it, that's it, I just want to know what's going on with it.

- All right, all right.


- That's Chuck.

Hold on a second.

- Okay.

Hey, Chuck, come on in.

- Hey, Baxter, Vanessa.

- Hey, hi.


Listen, I don't like the look on your face, unless you're messing with me.

Please say you're messing with me.

I talked to my buddy over at the Denver PD.

Saw some surveillance footage of your truck being pulled into a chop shop yesterday.

They raided the place.

It's gone.

- Sorry, Baxter.

- I-I appreciate

- you doing all the work.

- Well, thanks.

Thanks for coming.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

See you guys later.



- At least I know.

- All right, well, um, uh, can I-can I do something for you?

- Uh, you want to-you want to take a walk or, uh, have a beer?

- Uh...

Uh, you know, hey, look, w-why don't we sit down.

Let's just sit down in silence.

Come on, we'll sit down.

We'll sit here in, uh, in, uh, in total silence.

Just right here like this.



You know, I'm not very good at this.

I'm just...

All right.

I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it.

I'm trying.

I'll do it.


I'm okay.

Oh, Mike, come on, it's me.

You don't have to pretend.

Come on.

No, I don't know why, but...

I'm okay with this.

- I'm okay.

- Really?


All right, well, good, good.

I-I'm glad you're okay.


Because I am not!

You know, I don't know why, but I'm okay with that, too.

Honey, what's going on?

I'm upset about the truck, too.

I mean, I-I was so worried about you before that I-I ignored my own feelings, and then I...

I don't know, it all just rushed in.

You really liked that truck?

You know, my memory serves, it was always you going, "Dinner's ready.

Enough with the truck".

No, no, no, no.

But then, sometimes we'd wind up sitting out there together,

- and, uh, and we'd talk.

- Mm-hmm.

I don't know, something about the...

the engine fumes opened you up.

Well, if you enjoyed those conversations, I'm sure the brain damage is worth it.

Uh, you know, but it wasn't just being with you when you worked on it.

I mean, when you...

when you traveled for Outdoor Man, I would...

I would...

I would sit out there and just, um, just listen to the radio.

It's a great radio.

It's vintage, you know.

Rounded fronts, sits right under the ashtray there.

Or used to.

I felt close to you.


I mean, just, uh, listening to our old songs and having a glass of wine, it just, it felt like I was with you.

And then, uh...


I mean, now it's gone.

So you-you drank in my truck?

The point is the truck mattered to me, too.

And, I mean, not just to me but to-to the whole family.

So, everybody was drinking in the truck?

Honey, look, I'm-I'm glad...

I'm glad you're okay.

- Really, really, I am, but...

- I am.

but I'm just saying, it's gonna take the rest of us a-a little time.


So my...

my truck gets stolen, and I got to make everybody else feel good.


Oh, oh.

Hey, Joe.

- Hiya.

Thanks for coming.

- I'm sorry for your loss.

- You know, it was just...

- Well...

Feels like I'm at the age now where all I do

- is go to truck memorials.

- Right.

Come on in.

- RYAN: Hey, hey, oh.

Sorry I'm late.

- Oh, hey.


- I had to, uh, drop the girls at the sitter.

- Oh, well, don't worry, we haven't started yet.

- Oh, good.


- All right.

Uh, so we're all here for a memorial for a truck?

Well, uh, yeah.

When you lose something important, it can sometimes be hard to deal with, and...

and Mike thought this might be a good chance for everyone to say goodbye.

But it's a truck.

Yeah, well, don't-don't think of it as a truck.

Think of it as something this group was involved with for ten years.

I mean, look, Mike may have been in charge, but-but we all played a part.

Eh, seems like a stretch.

All right, well, we're doing this, so get over it.

Hey, everybody, come on, uh, come on, please take your seats.

- Good.

- Uh, come on, let's sit down, everybody.

Come on, you guys.

- Hey.


- Hey, hey, hey.


I really appreciate you guys coming in.

This is just a little memory session, kind of say...

say goodbye to something that's been part of our lives for ten years.

And anybody who wants to start, just no bummers, no bummers, all uplifting.

- Anything?


- Uh..

- All right.

I'll go.

- Good.

Nope, not ready.

Kris, come on, something about the truck.

Oh, yeah, um, okay.

I'll always remember that truck,

- because it reminds me of Dad.


It was hard to get started, uh, and real loud once it did.

There you go.

All right.

Um, okay.

At first, I didn't care about this truck, and then I...

saw how much effort you put into it

(CRYING): and how much it meant to you...

No bummers!



- No bummers!

- Okay, okay!


It was a pretty green.

Wasn't it?


Uh, when I first moved here, I was scared to talk to Mr. Baxter.

But then Mandy told me, "If you can't think of something to talk about with my dad...

ask him about his truck".

Until yesterday, that was good advice.



- All right, Kyle.

Still not ready.

Okay, all right, all right, um...

I got to admit I never got along with Baxter till we started working on that truck.

- What?

- Yeah.

I'm gonna miss that truck.


I'll go.

- Oh, okay.


I, uh, learned long ago that vehicles come and go, and-and it's best not to get attached to any particular one.

- MIKE: Right.

- I broke the rule with this one.

Oh, uh...

yeah, it was a nice truck.

Large carbon footprint.

- But, uh...


yeah, it was a nice truck.

As many of you know...

I provided the final, perfect piece to this project.

Although it's over now, the bond I formed with Mike...

will last forever.

Actually, they stole that, too, Joe.

Now, sit down.

All right, Kyle, you get one more chance, so let's go.

Three, two, one.

Go, baby.

I don't want it to be gone.

- So that's it?

We should go eat?

- VANESSA: Uh, no, no, no.

Wait, there's, uh, there's one more.

- Just, uh, here we go.

- Oh.

- Hey, Eve!



(LAUGHS): Hey, everybody!

Hi, guys!

Hey, Dad.

I'm sorry I couldn't be there.

I-I really, really wanted to be.

Mom, could you... could you stop shaking the screen?

- I mean, I'm getting really nauseous.

- Sorry, sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm...

- (SIGHS) - I'm just a little emotional.

Go ahead.



I just want to say that...

I loved that truck, too.

I don't really show emotion much...

... ever, but...

... I'm gonna really miss working on it with you.

Those were some of the best times of my life.

♪ ♪

EVE: So yeah, that's pretty much what I've been up to.

- I can't believe you broke the sound barrier.

- I know.

I mean, I've broken wind, I've-I've shattered glass, but I've never broken the sound barrier.

Anyway, I got to get up at , and for you civilians,

- that's early.


All right.

Well, love you, sweetie.

- Go save America.

We love you so much.

- Yeah.

Hey, Kyle, come on, baby.

It's time to go.

KYLE: Okay, uh, ten more minutes.

That's what you said ten minutes ago.

RYAN: Yeah, but we mean it this time!


- God, I can't believe you used to date both of them.

So you think you're gonna find another car to work on?

I don't know, I don't know.


Maybe not.

Right now I just want to enjoy this moment with all of you.



Come on.


MIKE: What's so funny?

MANDY: You don't want to know.

MIKE: Probably not.



Yeah, mm-hmm.

♪ ♪ All right, I'm heading out.

Need a lift?

Uh, no, thanks, I...

I-I've got my wife's minivan.

- Don't make any jokes.

- No, that's all right.

In my day, driving a van meant you were cool.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, that or a serial k*ller.

See you tomorrow?

- Hmm?

- Okay.


♪ ♪ Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, with a big thank-you to everyone who's watched these vlogs, all of them.

I'm not gonna lie...

you got great taste.

But I also wanted to thank everyone who's not watching, because they're probably out making something, building something, doing something, fixing something.

For too many people, the only thing they know is how to make an excuse.

"It was too hard".

"Didn't feel good".

"They sent the wrong part".


I've been thinking a lot about makers and takers, you know?

Because I had something very valuable taken from me.

Somebody took my truck.

Ten years of attention to detail...

poof, gone.

It's an empty feeling, like when John Elway retired.


Am I sad?

Yeah, I'm sad.

And I did what I always do when I get sad: eat some pork and remember Ronald Reagan...

the Gipper... and the verse he quoted when he lost the GOP nomination.

"Though I am hurt, I am not slain.

I lay me down to bleed a while.

Then I'll rise and fight again".

I loved every moment of that show...

I mean truck.

It was a classic from a simpler, happier time.

You know... the truck.

And that's something that can't be stolen from me.

What kind of punks steal other people's stuff?

Make something yourself, men.

My mother was right.

She always quoted this famous comedian...

and I can't remember his name...

who said, "Men are pigs.

(SNORTING): Oh, oh, oh".

Baxter out.

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