04x09 - The Incident at Pound Ridge

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

♪ ♪ ♪ Looking up at the sky ♪ What's the name of the town again?

- Tinahely.

- [Irish accent]

Tinahely.

[laughs]

That's outside Dublin, right?

Yeah, way outside.

Where the post office is also the grocery store.

Once I stepped in horse poop just so I'd have something to do - when I got home.

- [laughs]

- It looks green.

- Yeah, it's very green.

- And very different from here.

- Yeah, well, there's hardly any horse poop here.

You don't need it.

There's street fairs and roof parties and so many great restaurants.

Japanese, Italian, Korean, Indian...

just on this block.

I mean, who needs to travel?

- Well, what's your favorite?

- Hm, Mexican.

- Mexican?

- We don't have any Mexican food in Tinahely.

- Another?

- Well, that depends.

What time's your shift up tonight?

- I'm closing tonight.

- [groans]

Then yes, I will have another.

You know I'm just gonna sit here every single night - until you're free, right?

- You're sweet.

- Oh.

- And drinking way too much.

Hey!

If that's what it takes to hang out with you, then that's the price that I'm gonna pay.

Well, I'm working the early shift tomorrow.

Maybe we could actually hang out somewhere that doesn't compromise your liver or my tips.

Perfect.

But just to be clear, here.

We're not gonna be just hanging out.

I am gonna take you on a proper date.

Then I look forward to it.

Hey, can we get some beers over here?

You want me to kick his ass?

You should probably go.

[upbeat music]

For those of you who aren't aware, sales of adult coloring books grew 12-fold last year.

I thought it was just a fad, but it just keeps going.

And half the buyers are millennial women.

Yes, your generation continues to elevate the culture.

Coloring, doodling, cannabis cookbooks.

Ooh, maybe we could combine trends and release a coloring book of pot plants.

It comes with, like, edible crayons.

The campaign could be, "This Coloring Book is so Dope." [giggling]

I'm done.

[elevator dings]

- Charles?

- Yeah?

I don't mean to step on Pauline's toes, but I just want to be clear on my responsibilities...

for the company picnic at your house on Saturday.

That's this Saturday?

Um, can you take charge of the preparations - like you did last year?

- Of course.

We'll need rentals and catering.

Do you mind if I get a little wild this year - and serve Asian slaw?

- Whatever you want.

- And thank you, Diana.

- Oh, my pleasure.

And I assume Pauline will be on the list?

Um...

Aren't all of our other authors invited?

Uh, yeah.

So I suppose we should invite Pauline.

And should I call her at...

the house or...

She's at her sister's.

Send an email.

That's gonna be awkward, hosting a woman at her former home.

Luckily, you'll be there to look after her.

♪ ♪ How you feeling about Pauline coming back to New York?

It's interesting.

Julia said she's like a different woman.

Jazzed about that book she's written.

- Says she seems really happy.

- It's good to hear.

You guys gonna try to work it out?

I don't think so.

Eh, look, I know what she did was crazy, leaving you and the kids to go find her bliss or whatever, but marriage is crazy.

I wish Julia would leave me for a year.

I'd welcome the break.

It's not that simple.

There's someone else.

What?

Who?

I'll tell you when I'm ready.

I promise.

Just...

please don't mention any of this to Julia right now.

Believe me, she's the last person I'm gonna tell.

♪ ♪ [sighs]

I think Charles is seeing someone else.

What?

Why would you say that?

Well, a friend said something and then I went online and I saw these pictures of him at some benefit with this gorgeous woman named Radha?

- Oh, that's over.

- It is?

Well, so...

so who is it, then?

Pauline...

you know, I've got to stop you right there.

Am I here to gossip and speculate about your husband or am I here to edit a book which could have universal appeal and resonance for many, many women?

'Cause if it's the second one, I'm all in.

It's the second one, of course.

It's just I heard he might be seeing someone.

It's hard to shake it.

Sorry.

[chuckles]

Let's get to work.

♪ ♪ - Hey.

- Hey.

Where you going?

Hot date?

Yeah, actually.

I'm taking Clare out.

Nice.

No.

No?

Hey, do you own your tattoo designs or does the person with the tattoo own it?

I own 'em.

I have the exclusive copyright on a lot of flesh in this town.

You know, you could design an adult coloring book.

What do you mean?

Like draw a bunch of - naked people doing stuff?

- No!

Your tattoos in a book that people would color.

And who would do that?

13 million people last year.

And I can guarantee you at least a $10,000 advance.

- Ten grand?

- Yeah.

There is not a whole lot that I wouldn't do - for ten grand.

- Great.

- I'm gonna run it by Liza.

- Great.

- Still no.

- Bye.

Have fun.

[Latin music]

♪ ♪ So, uh, tell me about this internship.

You're a tester?

You just, like, get to play games all day or what?

I'm an intern, so I do whatever people ask me to do.

Anything from coffee to coding.

- That's so cool.

- I love it.

I honestly feel so lucky.

I mean, even if nothing comes of it, I'm here now, having the best time.

- Jalapenos?

- Yes!

Mild, hot, loco.

- [laughs]

- Thank you.

I'm actually a jalapeno virgin.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

All right, go easy on these.

They're not messing around here.

- Okay, I'm going in.

- That's the mild one.

Eh?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

- Nothing.

- All right.

- [exhales]

- Climbing up?

- Not too bad.

- It's getting there, though.

I see it.

- Okay, I'm going in.

- Wait, wait.

Be careful.

That is loco.

- You sure about this?

- I'm ready.

Be careful.

- [exhales]

- Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

That is the hottest thing I've ever eaten.

[exhales sharply]

- My mouth is on fire.

- Sorry.

Wait!

Hey!

I think we just popped your jalapeno.

- [laughs]

- [muffled]

Mm-hmm.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪ Mm, your lips are spicy.

- Should we stop?

- No.

- [whispers]

I kinda like it.

- [laughs]

- You okay?

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah?

- Are you okay?

- [exhales sharply]

Ooh.

- Yeah, I am just dandy.

- [chuckles]

[romantic music]

♪ Come and see ♪ [trumpet plays]

[moans]

Aah...

[panting]

- What's wrong?

- Ohh...

aah...

- Oh, it's like burning.

- What is?

Ohh, my d*ck.

Ohh!

Ohh!

My d*ck is on fire!

- Aah!

- Why?

The peppers!

The jalapenos!

[gasps]

Oh, my God, the pepper!

Your hands were all over the peppers!

sh**t!

What are you doing?

- Ah, I'm swaddling.

- Uh...

Oh, my God, it's getting worse.

It's getting worse.

I'm gonna jump in the shower.

- No!

No!

No!

- Why?

Water spreads the oils.

Don't do that.

What are you looking up right now?

- Jalapeno d*ck?

- What?

There are a lot of entries, so we should feel a little better about that, right?

I think I'm gonna have to go to the hospital.

- [panting]

- Yogurt.

- We need yogurt.

- What?

Yogurt!

Yo...

Yes!

Right there!

- They all say "Kelsey."

- Just grab the yogurt.

- Come on!

- Okay.

- What's it say to do?

- Uh, saturate it.

- Tots to tip.

- Jesus.

Oh, jeez.

- [screams]

- That'll do it.

[sighs in relief]

Oh, my God, it’s so much better.

- I am so sorry.

- [laughs]

It's okay.

- It's okay.

- [both laugh]

Ohh.

I bet this is the...

best first date you've ever had, huh?

- Oh, by far.

- [both laughing]

[upbeat music]

- [inhaling sharply]

- It still looks a bit angry.

- Angry?

- Well, defeated and blotchy.

- Hey.

- Oh!

Sorry.

- Oh, no, we weren't...

- No, no, no.

- Sorry.

- It's none of my business.

Wait, wait.

Did you eat all my yogurt?

Uh...

I can honestly say I did not eat your yogurt.

I'm so sorry.

It was me.

Weird Irish girl with the dairy cravings.

- I'll replace it.

- Oh, that's okay.

Um, I talked to Liza and she is totally on board - with everything.

- Wait, so I have a book deal?

- Yeah.

- Wow!

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

- The ten grand thing?

- Yeah.

- I thought you were joking.

- Thanks, Kels.

- So what's the next step?

- Why don't you come to the company picnic?

You can meet everyone and shake Charles' hand, button up the deal.

- You've met Charles, right?

- Uh, a couple times.

- Yeah.

- A picnic sounds fun.

- I don't know.

- No, it's really not that bad.

There's food and drinks and when people get nice and toasty, there's a potato sack race.

- both: Ahh.

- Drunk people in potato sacks.

- Well, we have to go.

- [laughs]

I'll text you the address.

Come!

Maybe.

- [sighs]

- You don't want to go.

- Nope.

- Not a picnic guy?

No, it's...

not that, I...

when I was dating Liza, I caught her kissing Charles.

Her boss, the one that Kelsey wants me to...

"shake hands with." God, I'm so sorry.

That's horrible.

What's worse was...

I was about to propose.

- [chuckles]

- Oh, you were gonna marry Liza?

Past tense.

- Past tense.

- Okay.

Well, I think if you're ever really gonna move on...

- Mm-hmm?

- Go to the picnic, prove that you're the bigger man, and get that $10,000 from his company.

- Yeah.

- [whispers]

Yeah.

You're kinda smart, you know that?

I do.

- Ow.

- Oh...[chuckles]

- [inhales sharply, exhales]

- Yeah, not yet.

Just gonna wait here.

[rock music]

♪ ♪ So the watermelon-eating contest will be followed by the tug-of-w*r which you will referee.

Ooh, great.

When's the sack race?

Potato sack race.

Make sure you use the "potato" preface.

Someone complained to HR that the word "sack" in isolation is insensitive.

People are so easily triggered these days.

[overlapping chatter]

Isn't that your ex?

Oh, yeah, Josh.

Um...

he's doing the adult coloring book for us.

I-I-I didn't realize he was coming.

Hm, obviously, he's here to suck up to Charles.

And throw that willowy blonde in your face.

Actually, I introduced them.

You set him up with a girl and a job?

- Hm.

- Later we have to have a talk about how not to be a doormat.

[gentle music]

That's him.

That's Charles right there.

All right, best behavior.

Remember, $10,000.

- Ahh, you made it.

- Hey, we wouldn't miss it.

Charles, you remember Josh and this is his girlfriend, Clare.

- Nice to see ya.

- Thanks for having us.

- Clare, nice to meet you.

- Hey.

Josh is so excited about doing a book - of his tattoos for us.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, honestly, when I first heard about it, I thought it was a little lame.

Until Kelsey explained what a gigantic market there is for adult coloring books.

- Right.

- She's not wrong and tattoos give it a very millennial twist.

- Totally.

- Millennials, yeah.

Well, uh, nice to see you, Josh.

Nice to meet you, Clare.

Have fun today.

- You, too.

- Thanks.

- Nicely done.

- Thanks, babe.

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪ - Liza, hi!

- Pauline, hi.

Hi.

Okay, be honest, sexy or needy?

- Oh, definitely sexy.

- Okay.

- kids: Mom!

- Hi!

Hi, guys.

- You look so beautiful.

- Liza.

- Hi.

- You know the girls?

- She's our babysitter.

- She is?

You, uh...

You never mentioned that.

- Oh, I just pinch hit.

- She's our favorite.

- Oh.

- [laughs]

I'm sure she is.

- We should make wax hands.

- One for mommy, one for Liza?

- Yeah.

- Okay, come on.

- They're great kids.

- Oh, thanks.

Bianca was just in diapers when we broke ground here.

- You built this place?

- Oh, yeah.

Two years of my life, but did it on time and on budget.

How'd you pull that off?

I gave the general contractor a move-in date, said if I had a certificate of occupancy in my hand by then, - I'd buy him an ATV.

- Genius.

Yeah, well, it's just basic bribery, - but, you know, it works.

- [laughs]

- Do you want a quick tour?

- Sure.

I'll give you the ten-cent tour.

Okay.

- Lachlan.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Sweetheart, I want you to meet Kelsey Peters, my new editor.

- This is my wife, Prina.

- Prenup?

- [sputters]

- "Pree-NA" Oh, sorry.

Darling, would you like some wine?

Lillet.

So, you're gonna be working closely with my husband?

Yes.

Yeah, very closely.

Uh-huh.

No.

[scoffs]

It's so weird being back.

Charles and I used to host so many parties here.

We used to call it "Downton Grabby" because we walked in on so many people...

- Doing it?

- And doing it well.

[laughs]

Oh, this is my favorite spot.

Oh, I just used to love spending time here with Charles, reading, drinking coffee just looking out at the grounds And now I'm a guest.

[chuckles]

He's even taken down all the pictures of me.

There has to be someone else, Liza.

[chuckles]

Who is that?

[gentle dramatic music]

♪ ♪ - Uh, I don't know.

- I mean, does she work at Empirical is she someone...

- I have no idea, Pauline.

- Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm not normally like this.

I swear.

I just keep feeling like the other shoe's gonna drop, you know?

Suddenly I'm gonna find out he's in love with some hot, young yoga instructor.

- I'm sure I sound crazy.

- You don't sound crazy.

Pauline, I'm so glad you could come.

- Oh, hi, Diana.

- [kisses]

I was hoping I could speak to you for a moment?

- Of course.

- As Liza has a race - to officiate.

- Oh!

[blows whistle]

Sorry, that was really loud.

Wow.

Okay.

- Talk soon?

- Yeah.

- Shall we?

- Sure.

Yes.

Of course.

Okay, up to the hedge and back.

Hopping only.

No baby-step running.

And if you drop the sack, you're out.

Hey, hey, just so you know, - I'm defending champion.

- Okay.

Just so you know, I grew up next to a feedlot.

Bring it on, country boy.

[intense music]

I just want to assure you that while I may have replaced you as hostess for this event, that is the extent of it.

Nothing is going on between me and Charles.

I mean, there's tension, naturally, but nothing has ever happened.

Ever.

Thank you.

That... means a lot.

Yeah.

On your mark!

Get set!

[whistle blows]

[cheering]

["One More Thrill" by KOLARS playing]

♪ ♪ [crowd gasps]

I'm sorry.

You all right?

[crowd exclaims]

♪ I just want to ♪ ♪ Live my life ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ You just wanna throw ♪ ♪ For a lifetime ♪ ♪ ♪ - Hey, look...

- It's on me.

What the hell was that?

Sorry, I just get competitive.

So you punched him?

Are you crazy?

- I guess I am.

- Okay, well, that punch - just cost you $10,000.

- I know.

But it was so worth it.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪ [scoffs]

Are you okay?

He saw us in the Hamptons, didn't he?

Yeah, I think he did.

Then I guess I had that coming.

Can I take a look?

♪ We always knew ♪ ♪ This was just a love ♪ ♪ Passing through ♪ ♪ Found it in a...

♪ Don't go home tonight.

♪ That we grew ♪ We can't.

My feelings for you haven't changed.

Nothing's changed.

Charles, everything's changed.

♪ ♪ ♪ Know that there's no future ♪ ♪ Know I have to leave ya ♪ ♪ But until I do ♪ ♪ Push, pull me tight until it's over ♪ ♪ Over ♪ ♪ Satisfy and take me high until it's over ♪ [upbeat music]

♪ ♪ I'm really sorry about how all that went down.

Hey, I have three brothers.

They settle all their disputes by punching guys in the face.

I do feel a lot better, though.

Everywhere?

Oh...

- Everywhere.

- [giggles]

Think you can be a little late to the bar tonight?

- I already took the night off.

- Ohh...

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪ - Liza.

- No one touched the Asian slaw.

So I'm gonna take it home and dump it.

I'm freaking out.

Why would Josh have hit Charles?

Charles and I had a moment in the Hamptons.

- What?

- It was just a...

spontaneous, irresponsible...

And Josh saw.

And that's why he didn't propose.

Holy sh*t, Liza.

- I know.

- Did you sleep with him?

- No.

- Good.

I'm gonna give you some advice.

Keep it that way.

Sleeping with the boss doesn't end well...

for any of us.

[soft music]

♪ ♪