05x03 - The End of the Tour

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT POP MUSIC]

So let's talk about the

White House
Correspondents' dinner.

Do you think maybe
you trolled Donald Tr*mp

into running for president?

Uh [CHUCKLES] honestly,

the most memorable part

of that night for me was...

was knowing that the president
had just authorized

a secret raid to take out
bin Laden.

And watching all these people

who are gonna have
to report on it

at the break of dawn

- just get wasted.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

I actually remember
that night very, very well.

Um, do you have any plans on
going back to D.C.?

No, I'm happy doing
the podcast and consulting.

You know, I'm definitely
hoping to find some time

later this year
to write a memoir.

Kelsey... Lorraine... Peters!

Lauren, you gotta knock.

You got onto Yara.

- Why do you have my phone?
- You got onto Yara!

Dude, it's the dating app
you have to apply for.

Okay, I... I did not apply.

Oh, my God,
know me better, please.

Come on. I applied for you.

Okay, look, we have Wall Street.

- Wall Street. Ooh, DJ?
- Oh, my God.

This looks like every other
terrible dating app.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Yo, some of us need to shower.

- Kelsey got onto Yara.
- Wow.

Wait, this is like Tinder
for the Illuminati, right?

Yes, and she's acting like
she's too cool for it.

I am not! I need
ten more minutes to get ready.

Wait, wait! Will you
just swipe a little bit?

- Ah.
- Okay, no.

- Look at those eyes.
- Oh, hi there.

Uh. Thi... this is Anna.

Kelsey just got onto Yara,
the dating app.

Oh, the celebrity one?

- Yeah.
- That's so cool.

Okay, okay, I need
to finish getting ready.

This is going to be so much fun.

Oh, it already is! It's so fun.

Oh, can I pee,
like, really quick?

[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

Big news.

"People" magazine
wants to do a feature

on "Marriage Vacation."

Oh, that's so great!

About Charles and Pauline
getting back together.

- Wow.
- They even want to pay

for a vow renewal ceremony
in Hawaii.

Oh. My gosh, that's amazing.

- Don't think you'll be going.
- Hm.

I just heard
about "People" magazine.

Oh. We are so excited.

That's not happening.

Pauline and I are

getting a divorce.

- What?
- Oh, Charles.

I am so sorry.

Uh, what are we going to do
about the book tour?

It starts tomorrow.

Everything goes forward
as planned.

I was never part
of the publicity.

Not officially, but the book

has been gaining momentum
because people thought

it resulted in the author
and her husband

getting back together.

I don't know what to say, Diana.

I'm not going to live my life
to fit the novel.

[FINDLAY'S "WASTE MY TIME"]

♪ They say I'm no good ♪

♪ But I've never been better ♪

♪ No, I've never been better ♪

♪ I don't ever want
to waste my time ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ Don't you know how hard ♪

♪ I try... ♪

So Obama's former
speechwriter, Jake Devereux,

is making the rounds
with a memoir,

and I think it would be great
"get" for Millennial.

Or Empirical.
Now, I've been planning

on going after Devereux
for weeks.

Who doesn't love a
planner, but I actually

have a meeting set with him
tomorrow in D.C.

So do I. Maybe you should
think about cancelling yours.

Work together. Jake
Devereux's book will be big.

So whoever gets him,

it'll be a win for the company.

[UPBEAT, DYNAMIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

And I mean, can you
believe this timing?

Just as the book about
our marriage comes out,

he wants a divorce.

Are you okay?

I don't know. I guess.

I'm mostly just focused
on how everyone else

is going to react to the news.

The girls, you two,

everyone who's gonna come
hear me read.

- It's none of their business.
- I made it their business.

People are gonna want to know

how's the real life
Kate and Karl?

Say they're doing great,
never been better.

So lie?

Postpone the truth.

At least until you make

the "New York Times"
Best Seller List.

What do you think, Liza?

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

I, uh...

I think, once you've
created a story,

other people want to
believe it as much as you do.

So true. Honesty can be
very self-indulgent.

I don't know.
I'm a terrible liar.

Just talk about your
relationship when it was good.

It's really just a lie
of verb tenses.

We could practice.

Okay.

Uh, let's see. When it was good?

Ah, this is gonna make me sad.

Well...

He used to write me these...

He... writes me

these little love poems
on sticky notes

and puts them
in the book I'm reading.

That's a good one.

[VOICE BREAKING] Yeah.

And when we go to the country

in the summer

we always make love outside.

[AWKWARDLY] Aw.

And now we're never going
to make love again.

That's enough. Very, very good.

You probably don't need
to get that detailed.

- [SNIFFLES]
- The bottle.

[UPBEAT POP MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hi.

How are you?

Um. I'm, uh... I'm fine.

I was, um, surprised
to hear about you and Pauline.

I guess maybe I thought
it was working out.

This must be really tough
on you and the girls.

Actually, it has been tough.

Anytime you need me, I'm here.

Uh, I mean, not here here.
I know this isn't a good place.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, it's not.

How about we get together
after Pauline's book tour?

There is a lot that I want
to talk to you about.

Of course.

I look forward to it.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

"And that night
at the dinner table

"in front of the kids,

"he took my hand,

"and for the second time
in our relationship,

"he proposed."

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, Pauline.

What a special treat for us

having you hear
at Temple Israel.

Well, thank you so much
for having me.

Ooh, I see a lot
of familiar faces in the crowd

who can't wait to get up
and ask questions.

Please, queue up
at the microphone.

Ooh.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Goodness.

- Hi, Pauline. Fern Hirsch.
- Hi, Fern.

Can you talk a little bit
about the process?

- My writing process?
- No.

The process of getting back
together with your husband.

Oh, um.

- Smile.
- I, um...

Um...

Um, you know,

working together
brought us closer.

I think we were able to really

rediscover ourselves
as partners.

You didn't seem like strangers
after all of that time apart?

- I know I would.
- Suddenly it's the Fern show.

You know, sometimes sex
is better with a stranger.

[LAUGHTER]

[CRYING SOFTLY]

I think she'll be better
one-on-one.

She has to be.

Pauline Turner Brooks,

thank you for being on Bookworm.

Thank you, Michael,
and I'm so sorry

- I couldn't join you in LA.
- As am I.

Well let's jump right in.
What a story.

It's like fiction meets memoir.

Yes. Yes, but mostly fiction.

Well, the way you talk
about your husband

and your life together,

they say that God
is in the details.

Or the devil,
depending on who you ask.

Well may I ask, how is your
real-life relationship?

- You just did.
- We knew he would.

Oh, it's...

Um...

It's, uh...

Land the plane, land the plane.

It's... good.

It's really good.

Okay, I think she's got this.

You wrote in your book

that your sex life had become

"routine but serviceable,

"like the many Italian bistros
on the Upper East Side."

What kind of restaurant
would you say your sex life

is like now
since the "vacation"?

Well...

It's hot.

So...

Thai, I guess?

Or, um, Korean barbecue?
[SNIFFLES]

[CRYING] We have a hot

Korean barbecue sex
and it's just so...

So...

[SOBBING] Spicy.

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

So there's so many people.

Brad Pitt, George Clooney,
Leonardo DiCaprio.

And these guys, they are
really good at basketball.

But none of them have the guts
to guard the president.

So I have to.

- And he's good, right?
- And I'm...

You know, terrible.

They called me "All-Day"
because that's how long

the president could score on me.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Aw, that still
had to be fun, though.

Imagine all your heroes
laughing at you.

Come on, it didn't bruise
your reputation too bad.

I've seen the pictures of you
hanging out with movie stars.

Yeah, you even dated a couple.

Definitely not putting
that in the book.

Well, even if you don't,
though I think you should,

your book is gonna
be a best seller.

- You think?
- Yes.

You just have to publish
with the right place.

And, of course,
that's Empirical.

Or Millennial.

We have a great track record.

Our goal is to publish authors
with original voices.

We also just signed
a first-look deal

with Reese Witherspoon's
production company,

which puts us
in a very unique position.

And one of the benefits
of going with Empirical,

there is no big, splashy,

female-focused production
company attached.

So you can shop your book
around anywhere you want.

And you can keep
all the money for yourself.

Either way you go,
you'll make a great choice.

♪ Oh, darling ♪

♪ Don't you see how it is ♪

- You k*lled that.
- Thank you.

You didn't do so bad yourself.

Mm, but you know
he's gonna go with me, right?

[CHUCKLES] You know what?
I love your confidence.

Sometimes it's even sexy.

Sometimes.

♪ There's a sensation ♪

♪ In my bones ♪

Can I do half regular
and half sweet potato?

Great. Thank you.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[PHONE CHIMES]

♪ It's a savage dream into ♪

♪ To which I fell ♪

♪ I catch my breath ♪

♪ As I lose my hold ♪

♪ Tumble down the well
of no self-control ♪

♪ You stole my pulse
yet it beats for you ♪

- ♪ My sanity escapes me ♪
- _

♪ In this love so true ♪

- ♪ I love the way ♪
- _

- ♪ You haunt me, darling ♪
- _

- ♪ I want you, darling ♪
- _

- ♪ I love the way ♪
- _

♪ You haunt me, darling ♪

♪ I want you, darling ♪

- See you around?
- Yeah, later.

- Thanks, again.
- Oh, you're welcome.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- You guys met?
- Yeah, Josh, y'girl was loose

in the house and asked
to borrow some eyeliner.

Let me tell you something
about the eyes.

They are the window to the soul.

They are also the doorway
to disease and infection.

You didn't have
to let her use it.

I shouldn't have been
asked, dude.

We're all living
in this tiny apartment.

Can we please just set
some ground rules

- about bringing people home?
- Okay, okay, fine.

Yes. Can we do it
over food, though?

- I'm starving.
- Thought you'd never ask.

All right. Let's go.

All right, you have to walk them

to and from
the front door, okay?

No roamers, no moaners,
no giving out the Wi-Fi code.

Oh, and they can have coffee,

but they may not
have the cold brew.

Okay, calm down. I just got
out of a terrible break up.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna be having

a lot of sex.
That's just what you do.

Some people journal
furiously about how

they wish they're
relationship had ended,

and then they find
a surrogate relationship

where they try to re-create
the break-up on their terms.

I'm just saying
everybody's different.

Okay, I ju... I need to break
this pattern, all right?

I want to be the guy
that's into random hook-ups,

not the guy who just keeps
falling in love with everyone.

Josh, that is like me saying
I want to be athletic.

Okay? I'm serious.
You're a born romantic, dude.

There's nothing you
can do to change that.

[GROANS] I need to change it.

I just keep getting hurt.

- Love just doesn't work for me.
- No, but it will.

Okay, listen, you are gonna
meet that perfect person,

and it is all gonna click.

What if I already did?

What if it's Liza?

Listen, if you and Liza
are meant to be together,

nothing can keep you apart.

And I'm the romantic one?

Yeah.

Out of all the people
I could have met on Yara...

I know. I was surprised
to see your profile.

And to learn you're interested
in men and women.

[GROANS]

My friend Lauren applied for me.

- Mm.
- Clearly she's more interested

in meeting people for herself.

- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Uh-huh, sure.

[CHUCKLES]

_

_

- I'll be right back.
- No rush.

- [PHONE CLACKING]
- _

_

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Ah.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Um...

There are bagels in the lobby.

Yeah, I'm good.
I'm actually meeting somebody.

Me too.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hi, Jake.

Sorry, I can't stay
for breakfast.

I'm doing HuffPo Live
in an hour.

Um, so, look,
I was really impressed

with what you guys had to say
and I know the importance

of surrounding yourself
with smart people,

so I decided that I would like
to work with you.

- Who?
- Both of you.

Can we do that?

- Why not?
- There are a few reasons.

- But we can figure that out.
- Okay, fantastic.

I feel really good about this.

- Good.
- I'm glad.

Great, so my lawyer
will be in touch.

And I'm super excited,
so I'll see ya.

Hey, Jake.

Are you sure?

You know, sometimes
three's a crowd.

I mean one thing
no other publishing house

is offering is
two amazing editors.

I'm a first-time author.

I need all the help I can get.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Oh, um, I saw you on Yara.

[SUCKS TEETH]
Yeah, I saw you too.

[BRIGHT POP MUSIC]

♪ ♪

How is the tour going?

Door open or door closed?

Pauline is unhinged.

She cries every time

she's asked
about your relationship.

Ah.

I knew that talking about
the break up would be hard.

But this... this, uh...

That is truly unexpected.

Uh, she's actually
telling people that, um,

that you're still together.

I thought it might
be a bad idea, but

it's so hard to push back
with such raw subject matter.

It's not your fault.
This is uncharted territory.

Ugh, I had such high hopes.

Well, this book

may not be what the company
hoped it would be.

It's definitely not what
Pauline hoped it would be.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Diana,
for making your job harder.

Charles, maybe you
should go tonight in my place.

Wouldn't that just support
this fallacy?

You're not supporting her lie.

You're supporting her.

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Liza, sorry I'm late.
- Hi, it's okay.

How are you feeling?
Ah, nervous.

All right, I'm gonna
talk to moderator

before the Q&A starts.

Hopefully I can get him to stick

to questions about the novel.

[CHUCKLES] You know you'd think

the lying would get easier,

but the more it accumulates,
the harder it gets.

[SOFTLY] Yeah. Believe
what you're saying is true.

Keep your answers short,
and remember, these people

are here because
you gave them hope.

Yep, false hope.

Hope that they could
have the lives they wanted.

It doesn't necessarily
mean saving their marriage.

That can mean anything.

Okay. Thanks, Liza.

"It was a Tuesday.

"Corina had piano lessons
and Jamie had ballet.

"I was back in the routine,
and it felt like I never left.

- "The one difference was..."
- Hey.

No statements
and no two-part questions.

And try not to pick
someone who came here

for advice on their love life.

How am I supposed to know that?

Oh, you can tell.

"And that night
at the dinner table

"in front of the kids,

"he took my hand,

"and for the second time
in our relationship,

"he proposed."

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

Thank you, Pauline.

Now we'll take some questions
from the audience.

Oh, no, too eager. Keep going.

Yes, over here on the right.

Mm-mm.

- [SIGHS]
- Hi, Pauline.

- Beth.
- Hi, Beth.

- Love your book.
- Aw, thank you.

I have a personal question.

Oh, of course you do.

How's it working between you

and the real-life Karl?

- Um, it's...
- [DOOR OPENS]

It's... [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

Well, the truth is...

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

The truth is

my marriage was over
before I left.

[CROWD GASPS]

And no matter what I did,

no matter what he did,

it wasn't gonna get fixed.

This story is a fantasy.

It's how I imagined it
for the couple in the book

because I like happy endings.

But for me,

my story isn't over.

And my happy ending
is still out there.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Okay, next question.

Thank you too.

- Charles, hi.
- Hi.

I didn't know you were
going to be here tonight.

I heard that Pauline
was having a hard time.

And I assume that lying
was your idea?

Charles.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'm glad you came.
- Me too.

And I know that was hard, but...

being honest was
the right thing to do.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I mean,
I wasn't truly honest.

If I had been, I would have said

that it was your career
and your ambition

that ruined our marriage,
not mine.

And that when we got married,
I thought we'd be a team.

Right away, it was
all about you.

I was just there
to be your rock.

And you never noticed
how unhappy I was

because you didn't want to.

I'm sorry, Pauline.

I really am.

And you're right.

Sometimes I am blind

to what's right in front of me.

Charles.

Huh!

♪ We were born ♪

♪ In summertime light ♪

Charles.

Charles. Wait.

Who are you?

- What?
- Who are you?

[OPUS ORANGE'S
"ARTIFICIAL HEART"]

I think if you're asking,
you probably know.

I thought I did.

I'm just a woman who lied
about her age to get a job.

- How long have you...
- It doesn't matter.

- What else did you lie about?
- Let me explain.

You betrayed me.

You looked me in the eyes
for months and months,

and you pretended to be
somebody else entirely.

You are not the kind of person
that I want to have in my life.

Unfortunately this company will
not survive another scandal.

So from now on

we have a professional
reporting relationship.

Maybe it would be better
if I just left.

I thought you did
all this to get a job.

♪ You took a hammer to
my artificial heart ♪

♪ My walls fell down ♪

♪ You've broken through ♪