05x04 - The Talented Mr. Ridley

[bunniefuu]

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]

The name of the game is "Mafia."

♪ ♪

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Do you know how this works?

Was there a syllabus I
was supposed to read?

- [CHUCKLES]
- What's that, Don?

He just needs you to explain the rules.

Don Ridley, you have been going

to Tina Brown's game night for years.

Are you telling me you
never played Mafia?

Do you still work for "Vanity Fair"?

Uh, sometimes "VF," sometimes "GQ."

Oh, everyone wants a
piece of Don Ridley.

Okay, quick rules refresher.

You have all chosen either
"T" for "townsperson,"

or "M" for "m*rder*r."

Each round, the m*rder*r
will k*ll someone,

and the townspeople must
root out who he or she is.

Now, heads down. Eyes closed.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

m*rder*r awaken. Choose your prey.

♪ ♪

Thank you, m*rder*r, head down.

Townspeople, you may wake up.

While you were sleeping,
Zane was brutally m*rder*d.

- Oh.
- [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLING]

Now figure out who did it.

- I think that it was Liza.
- I think Kelsey's drunk.

Yeah, how do we know
it wasn't you, Peters?

Can you please go get me
another glass of wine?

- Liza already k*lled you.
- I didn't.

And no one's seconded.

Liza's lying.

I can tell.

Really?

Well, it is a game. Isn't it?

I mean, it could be anybody.
It could be you.

Oh, so I accuse you,
then you accuse me.

That is textbook guilty behavior.

Kelsey accused me first.
And I did not accuse her.

And why is that?

The k*ller would stay off the radar.

Let someone else accuse,
and then pounce.

Like you did.

You sound paranoid.

- And guilty.
- [CHUCKLES]

Other townspeople can weigh in.

But let's assume you're right.

If Kelsey is the k*ller,

wouldn't she have thought of that?

No, she's right.

I'm... kind of drunk.

Uh, plus, we all heard your
cufflink clink your glass

when you pointed at Zane.

Is that what that was? I heard it.

Uh, is anyone else even
wearing cufflinks?

There was no sound.

- This is...
- Ah, he's turning red.

Seconded.

[PATS LEG THRICE] He's so guilty!

- Sorry, Charles.
- Okay, all right.

Enough debate. We have two nominees.

Now, just remember that
whoever you vote to accuse...

dies.

So, who thinks it was Charles?

Ooh.

Oh, wow. And who votes Liza?

Charles, you are dead. Oh, okay.

So were you a townsperson
or a m*rder*r?

[SURPRISED CHATTER]

Townsperson.

The m*rder*r is still at large.

Okay, heads down. Eyes closed.

If you have been k*lled, you
can keep your eyes open.

m*rder*r awaken, choose your victim.

[PENSIVE MUSIC]

So no sex for days, like, at all?

I don't know, I just feel like
I have to do a full reset.

No sex, no alcohol, maybe no gluten.

I-I don't know, I just
feel like there's steps

that you skipped over that
are less Amish than this.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Amish.

Hey, I'm gonna tie up my dog
here while I use the head.

- Is that okay?
- [SMACKS LIPS]

Come here, good boy. Come here.

Come here. What's your name?

Oh, hi, Hawkeye.

Soak it up. Those are
the last face licks

- you're getting this year.
- Shut up.

Hi, where's your dad going, huh?

Ew. Water?

[CHUCKLING] Yeah.

When you left, you were
going to get me wine.

When I left, you were upright.

Well...

I'd rather take a nap
here than on the train.

You can crash at mine

if you don't wanna go back to Brooklyn.

- What? What?
- Mm-hm-hm!

- What?
- Nothing.

It's just we haven't
really spoken since D.C.

What's there to talk about? I
said "crash," not "smash."

- They're synonymous.
- That is presumptuous.

I'll think about it.

Well, don't think too long.

I'll think about it for five minutes.

And then I'll meet you there.

Go, go, go, before I change my mind.

[POP MUSIC]

[SIGHS]

- Solid Mafia skills.
- [LAUGHS]

But how are you at Celebrity?

I need a date for Tina
Brown's next week.

Just don't write down anyone's
name who's actually there.

Tobey Maguire ruined
that for everybody.

[CHUCKLES] Um, never played.

But, you should ask Diana.

She's, uh... she's great at Celebrity.

Looks like her dance card is full.

So, is it a date?

Uh, I'm not really dating right now.

Long story.

Mm, yep.

Last sh*t.

The "People" Ones to
Watch party is tomorrow.

Don't think of it as dating.

It's... plus-one-ing.

Liza. [EXHALES DEEPLY]

Can I see you in... in
the powder room, please?

Gotta go. Nice to meet you... Don.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[HUMMING NONCHALANTLY]

What? What's going on? Oh!

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

Oh, uh, okay.

Okay, [STAMMERING] I'll
get a plumber in here.

You... you just get back to
those men you were talking to.

Carder and Aaron left, together.

This party, like my marriage,
is too gay for its own good.

- I am officially euthanizing it.
- No. No, no, no. You can't!

It's still early.

You will realize this when
old enough to rent a car,

but one day men won't
just fall into your lap.

You have to put in an effort.
And it is exhausting.

No, sorry, you are not giving up

when there is a room full
of eligible straight men.

Now, go. It's just a clogged toilet.

It happens all the time.

[GASPS]

- Come on, where's your dad?
- I checked the kitchen,

the dumpsters, the bathroom.

I didn't see that Murray
Hill douchebag anywhere.

And they literally locked
the door behind me.

Well, we can't just leave him here.

Hey, you wanna come
bunk with me or what?

I just wanna remind you, the
last time you picked up

- a stray, you married her.
- [SCOFFS]

Thank you for reminding me.

- I really appreciate that.
- [LAUGHS]

- [CHUCKLING] God.
- He's cute.

Guys, come on, come on, come on.

- Hey, come on.
- Come on.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[EXHALES DEEPLY] It's about time.

I've been waiting forever for...

Enzo. Hello, uh...

Hey.

Bathroom still in the same place?

Ye... yeah.

[GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Okay.

Oh, God.

It's an easy fix. , minutes tops.

Yeah, well, no rush.

Can I get you a drink?
I just had a party.

Yeah, your, uh, toilet told me.

I'm good.

So, um, how... how have you been?

[CHUCKLES] You don't have to do that.

You disappeared over a year ago.

- I got the hint.
- I didn't, I... okay.

I did. I'm sorry. Um...

Sorry.

I assumed you had plenty of...

Plenty of what?

- I don't usually...
- Oh, I know.

We both said that many
times, very convincingly.

I meant it.

You know, I was gonna ask you out,

but you stopped answering, so...

Well, I was seeing someone.

Ah.

But now I'm not, so...

I guess you're out of excuses.

[CHUCKLES]

I guess I am.

How's dinner Thursday?

Okay.

I'll pick you up.

♪ ♪

- [UPBEAT MUSIC]
- ♪ Yeah, aye ♪

- ♪ sh**t ♪
- ♪ Yeah, aye ♪

Okay, you have a budget
meeting at : ,

followed by the YA presentation
with publicity at : .

And then that call with the
Whitney board right after.

- You got all that?
- Not a word.

That's why I have you.
And who is this for?

Liza Miller.

Gotta be kidding me.

- Don Ridley? [SCOFFS]
- _

I throw a party to meet men.

You get a date out of it. [SNICKERS]

Everything okay over here?

Oh, a man just fell into Liza's lap.

She's going to the "People"
Ones to Watch party.

- Typical.
- When has this ever happened?

It is typical that men in their forties

just want women in
their twenties, right?

Diana, I'm not going.

Do I need to pedal you
there myself in a pedicab?

You should go. It's a fun party.

Uh, bring Tupperware.

Uh, what's that supposed to mean?

Oh, at Diana's,

when he thought that
nobody was looking,

I saw Don stuff a pork
chop into his pocket.

What?

Yeah. A pork chop.

Pocket.

Have fun.

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Okay, uh...
- Oh.

Since I have interviewed
half of these people here,

you can pick one celeb for
me to introduce you to.

If it's Martha Stewart,
we should do it now

before they bring out the Jaeger luge.

Why don't you introduce me to you?

All I know about you is your writing.

And that you were born in Pittsburgh.

You googled me. Feels like a date move.

[CHUCKLES] Well, as your plus-one,

I did brush up on your work.

Your piece on Rwanda in "The Atlantic"

was even better the second time.

Wow. Usually my dates
just skim my interview

with Jen Aniston and
pivot to Brangelina

the rest of the night.

Good thing I'm not one of your dates.

Yeah. Good thing.

- Walk this way.
- [LAUGHS]

You really don't like that train
ride to Brooklyn, do you?

You were wearing a
different shirt earlier.

I, uh, spilled something.

You don't spill.

- Yeah.
- [GASPS]

Do you have a date?

I have drinks with a
junior editor at Knopf.

Synonymous.

Presumptuous.

[CHUCKLES] It's none of my business.

I'm just gonna keep reading my book.

Mm, weren't you, uh,
reading the other one?

I like to read a few at a time.

I assume that's okay with you?

Eh.

None of my business.

It'd be a lot easier to impress you

with my celebrity friends if you
knew who half of them were.

[SCOFFS] All right, who's that?

He's trying to buy an
entire floor of Tr*mp Tower

to house a super PAC to elect
Michelle Obama to Congress.

- What?
- It's purely out of spite.

But he's got funding
from Rosie O'Donnell.

When's this article coming out?

I could write a thousand pages
on that guy. He's nuts.

Well, when you have a book idea,

you know where to bring it.

How about tomorrow?

Seriously. I'll pitch it tomorrow.

And it's not just about him.
It's all of elite Manhattan.

It's crazier than you can imagine.

Okay.

Come pitch it tomorrow.

- : okay?
- : is great.

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC]

Ooh, sushi. Follow me.

♪ ♪

I just... I can't believe
somebody can be this shitty.

Now, who would do this to a dog?

- Look at him.
- I know, I know.

He is an actual angel, but

you know we can't have
pets in the building.

Yeah, well, we can't have
three roommates either.

We just won't tell the
landlord now, will we?

Rude. Okay, but thank you.

Hawkeye. Oh, my God.

Where did you find him?

Uh, some dude just left him tied up

outside of a restaurant.

Ugh, my ex. Such a prick.

Here.

Hey, bye, little dude.

I'm gonna miss you.

You love the hot stranger, don't you?

Don't you?

I got him some toys too,

if you wanna go grab them.

They're, uh, back at my apartment.

It's actually, um...
it's our apartment.

We live there together.
But... ah... okay, no, no.

Sorry... no, never mind. Yeah.

[UPBEAT MUSIC BUILDING]

- ♪ Go ♪
- [PANTING]

[MOANING]

[BARKS]

- Hawkeye.
- Hawkeye, no.

Shut up. You know Pippa Middleton?

One flight, five hours,

several mini bottles of tequila.

She told me her sister was
dating somebody famous.

I wrote it down.

Wait, wait, you broke the
Will and Kate story?

Don. Charles Brooks.

Uh.

- Cufflinks.
- [CHUCKLES]

I heard you have quite a book idea.

- Uh...
- Please.

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

Um, okay, let's dive in.

Um, this book is about

all the dirty, sexy messes
of Manhattan society...

ambassadors, bankers,
not the boring ones.

Disgraced, famous.

Um, Madoffs...

So is this a novel or is it nonfiction?

I was thinking the latter.

Huh.

Well, that could be problematic.

Uh, can we at least hear the idea?

Yeah, these are very litigious,
very wealthy people.

But, uh, continue. Sorry.

Oh, I was thinking about
framing the story

around drama at the Tr*mp Tower.

It's a bloodbath, but also a microcosm

of what's going on in
the rest of America.

That sounds like a
completely different book.

And readers are starting
to tire of polemics.

♪ ♪

Okay, uh, how's this?

Uh, the Monica Lewinsky
scandal is this year.

Uh, our first victim of cyber-bullying

before we even knew what to call it.

She's a friend.

The ' s are hot again.
OJ, Tonya Harding...

Right, the... the ' s
are also when most of

Millennial's readers were born.

Uh, I have to jump on
a conference call,

but, uh, it has been a pleasure.

♪ ♪

Ugh.

Don, can you give us a minute?

[SIGHS]

Uh, bathroom?

What is wrong with Charles?

He knows.

- Knows what?
- About me.

All of it.

[EXHALES DEEPLY] God, Liza. How?

- I don't know.
- So he didn't fire you?

Not yet.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

So, what, he's just gonna punish you

and just t*nk every
author you bring in here?

This is such a mess.

How are we supposed to do our job?

[PENSIVE MUSIC]

I'll handle it.

[SIGHS]

You got a minute?

- Uh, a little busy right now.
- I'll be quick.

I'm resigning.

Close the door, please.

[SNIFFLES]

What are you doing?

This isn't going to work.
You're angry with me.

And you're not gonna like
any writer I bring in here.

That's going to hobble Millennial

and probably ruin Kelsey's career too.

And that's not fair to
anyone, so I'm bowing out.

The only thing threatening Millennial

is the lie you've been
telling since you got here.

You can be mad at me. I deserve that.

But you can't take it out on
a writer I bring in here.

- That's not what I did.
- So that wasn't personal?

No, uh, personal would be asking if...

if Don dropped a trail of
breadcrumbs from his pocket

in case you got separated
at the "People" party,

but passing on a half-baked,
poorly-conceived book idea

I didn't like, that's...
that's business.

And I trust you can
see the distinction.

- I do.
- Excellent.

Please close the door on your way out.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[DOOR BUZZES]

- Hi.
- Hey. Where's the dog?

I gave him back to his owner,

after I slept with her.

Yes. You broke your fast.
Let me get you a drink.

- Oh, Mags, I...
- No, no, no, no, no, come on.

days without booze or sex?

I haven't done that since grade school.

You don't need to reset your system.

You just need to have a
good glass of red wine,

and someone to complain about girls to.

Fine, but no gluten.

Turns out I really do
have that allergy.

That is not real.

And I just smoked a big joint

and ate all the bread in
the house, so you're good.

[LAUGHS]

God, you make everything better.

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

It's : . I don't see him.

- Well, good night.
- Oh, no, no, no.

You are going on this date.
A man fell on your lap.

Do you always use people's
words against them

- like a drunk toddler?
- [HORN HONKS]

Oh, my God, I'm going on
a date with my plumber.

Phew.

Sorry for honking.

I'm driving around for a half hour

and the only spot I
could find is illegal.

When you said that you
were picking me up,

I... I... I thought you meant on foot.
[LAUGHS]

There's no good Italian food up here.

In Midtown?

In Manhattan. Come on.

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[CHUCKLES]

Does Diana know?

Anyone else?

Just Kelsey. She was
upset at first, but...

So you've both been lying to me?

We thought it was best for the company.

We didn't want anyone else at
Empirical to have to lie too.

Ah, how thoughtful of you to
spare us all that indignity.

I'm gonna go.

Have a good night.

Liza, wait. J... please.

[SIGHS] I should apologize
for crashing your meeting.

Uh, I... I am trying to find
my way around all this,

and I, uh... I took it out on Don.

And that wasn't fair.

You're good at your job.

Millennial needs you
to survive right now.

And I... I don't wanna jeopardize that.

[SOLEMN SYNTH-POP MUSIC]

And that's all I wanted to say.

Good night.

Please, just let me explain.

Maybe if you get to know me.

The real me.

I... I don't think that's a good idea.

I'm so sorry that I lied to you.

I just... I care about you so much.

I... I need you to know that.

And I need you to forget about it.

♪ ♪

[TRADITIONAL ITALIAN MUSIC]

♪ ♪

This restaurant is lovely.

Try to sound less surprised.

- I'm sorry, it's just...
- Staten Island.

We've got nice places too.
You just never tried 'em.

Amy, we didn't order that.

Compliments of Mr. De Rosa.

♪ ♪

- What?
- No, nothing.

Just the other night at
my party we played Mafia.

And now...

Okay, two things.

One, don't say that out loud again.

And two, Mr. D is on the City Council.

[CHUCKLES]

But, I mean, you... you
did something for him?

Yeah, I put new copper
pipes in his summer house.

Turned it around quick so he
could throw a campaign event.

♪ ♪

Exquisite. Who sent this over?

I did.

I can't let you buy that for me.

That is a $ bottle.

I know. I'm trying to impress you.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

First date. Don't get used to it.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

We should've ordered second entrées.

Maxed out the Empirical
expense account.

What expense account?
Those things are relics.

- Oh, thank you.
- Didn't go through.

Would you like to try another card?

Uh, okay.

Uh... Just...

- Can you give us a minute?
- Yeah.

Thank you.

sh*t.

This is embarrassing. I
guess I'm a relic too.

What're you talking about?
You write for "Vanity Fair."

- And "Vogue."
- Wrote.

Past tense.

Magazines are dying
even faster than books.

This is what I write now.

"You won't believe which of
these sexy stars is trans."

- Is he?
- Nope.

But you have to click through photos

and ads to find that out.

I'm barely pulling in what
I made in my twenties.

But you're out at A-list
parties every night.

Free food. Open bar.

- Gift bags.
- Yes. [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] Oh, God. Ohh...

Well, look, none of us is
exactly who we say we are.

I've been there. I'll get dinner.

No, I can't. It is too pathetic.

- There's a .
- Hey.

Uh, this gift card has $ .

- And for the tip.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Solid hustle.
- Yeah.

Could we go, before she
realizes that her tip

- is only half a latte?
- What?

No, I'm serious. I feel bad.

- [LAUGHING] Okay.
- Phone, wallet, purse, go.

Casual, casual, nothing's wrong.

- Everything's wrong. Go.
- Okay, ah!

She's coming. She does not look happy.

[LAUGHS]

Sorry. Thank you.

Oh, God.

[LAUGHING]

Okay, well, we can't end
the night like that.

Let's see. Uh... oh.

There's a Cinema Society premiere.

I am, uh, on Andrew Saffir's list.

- What movie?
- Uh, it doesn't matter.

The alcohol's top shelf
and the food's great.

Are you in?

I'm in.

[BLEACHERS' "EVERYBODY
LOST SOMEBODY" PLAYING]

♪ ♪

♪ Everybody lost somebody ♪