05x11 - Fraudlein

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Ah, good morning, Kelsey.

- Good morning, Liza.
- Morning.

- Good morning, Charles.
- Nice weather we're having.

Did you enjoy your walk to work?

- [PLAYFUL, DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- I did.

I mean, I took a train.

But the walking part
was, uh, really nice.

Sunny, but cold. I had a hat.

Uh, okay, then. See you in there.

- Okay.
- Oh, my God.

Ever since you two pressed "pause,"

you're so damn polite to each other.

It's like watching two butlers in love.

The Frankfurt Book Fair is next week,

and this year I've decided
on a show of strength.

So Kelsey, Zane, Diana,

and Liza, get your passports in order.

Surely you don't need me to go.

I'll stay here and hold down the fort.

Liza can help me.

Nope. This is a full court press.

After the hit we took with
the L.L. Moore scandal,

we have to be more visible than ever.

So Millennial, you got plenty
to brag about this year.

But Zane, this is a chance for
Empirical to close the gap,

so work your contacts,
set up some meetings.

A little, uh, in-house competition

is good for everyone.

Why do I suddenly feel
like I'm in the minors?

"Millennial, you're great.
Empirical, don't give up hope."

- I'm sure he didn't mean it...
- Save it.

[SIGHS] Wow, so I'm going to Frankfurt.

[CHUCKLES]

- It's kind of exciting, right?
- Don't get too excited.

They found the most charmless
city in Europe to host it.

It's like Buffalo, with dumplings.

Lovely language, German.

Like a thousand cats coughing.

So much for keeping your
distance from Charles.

[NENA'S " LUFTBALLONS" PLAYING]

[SINGING IN GERMAN]

♪ ♪

Really guarding that thing
with your life, huh?

Oh, yeah. I got a money belt too

for my traveler's checks.

- Ooh, they still make those?
- They make me feel jet-setty.

[SNICKERS] You got your hat box
and your steamer trunk too?

Diana.

Meine Babypuppe.

- Aw.
- [LIPS SMACKING]

Are we ready to rock this town?

Cheryl Sussman, my liebchen.

My BFFF. Best Frankfurt Friend Forever.

Drinks later in the beer garden?

Oh, I have had such a day.

My pod in first class wouldn't... pod,

so I think I'm just
gonna lay low tonight.

Nonsense, wingwoman.

We're gonna party like it's .

Remember ?

You tried to take your
pantyhose off over your head

at the Simon and Schuster party.

- [LAUGHS]
- We were a lot younger.

Oh, come on, it's not how old you are,

it's how old you feel.

Or how old you say you are.

Hello, ladies. Cheryl Sussman.

Plaza Publishing.

Yeah, we've met.

Oh, uh, you remember my assistant, Liza?

Of course I remember.

I remember everything.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Frankfurt, baby.

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

Forgot you'd met Cheryl Sussman.

Uh, yeah, from my old life,
back at Random House.

Oh, my God. She knows?

- She plays dirty, Liza.
- I know.

Don't worry about it. It's handled.

Handled? [STAMMERS] What's been handled?

Never mind. I don't wanna know.

[SIGHS]

[TRADITIONAL GERMAN MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- [LAUGHS]
- Yes.

I just... I can't believe I'm here.

Besides Ireland last year...

I mean, I've only been to Europe once,

and that was years
ago for my honey...

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Suckle. Honeysuckle birthday.

You know, the thing where
every, uh, birthday

is a flo... a flower?

Y... you... Seven is honeysuckle.

Eight is Daisy.

- Ten is Tiger lily.
- Yeah, I've heard of that.

- It's a New Jersey thing, right?
- Yep.

Can we try to be more cosmopolitan?

We're in Frankfurt, not Trenton.

More weiner, frauleins?

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

We're gut.

Wow.

Light on leder, heavy on hosen.

What's camel toe for a man?

Oh, eh... elchknochel.

- Elchknochel.
- Moose knuckle.

[LAUGHTER]

Moose knuckle.

- Elchknochel.
- Elchknochel.

[SMOOTH ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

Um, you know wha... uh, excuse me.

I'm gonna use the
little fraulein's room.

♪ ♪

Schnapps?

Already on my second.

Something wrong?

I wouldn't want anybody in the
company to know about this,

but our trip here,
it's a Hail Mary pass.

Wait, did Quinn Tyler
say no to investing?

Uh... she seems so happy with
the editing we're doing.

- I was hoping that...
- No... no word yet.

But I... I can't put all
my eggs in one basket,

so I booked back-to-back meetings

with international investors,
and three just cancelled.

And I have four more tomorrow, but...

I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

Been a tough year.

You're the one bright spot.

Except that you're two feet
away from me, and I can't...

I know.

And it's... it's worse over here.

Am I crazy? But I think
that Frankfurt's romantic.

[CHUCKLES] Paris should look out.

I would love to take you there.

Right now.

Go to the train station,
book a sleeper car,

and wake up in a different world.

I miss you.

I miss you too.

You're the only person I wanna talk to.

But the more we talk,

the more I wanna hold you

or kiss you, and if we do that,

then you'll be going
back on your decision.

And you'll hate me.

I could never hate you, Charles.

This is temporary.

You'll get the company back on its feet.

I know you will.

And I hope so.

Wish me luck tomorrow.

You don't need it.

I do.

We have three months of
operating expenses left.

If we don't get an investor,

Empirical, Millennial,

everything that we have all worked for

will just...

[STIRRING MUSIC]

disappear.

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ 'Cause you've got that something ♪

♪ ♪

♪ 'Cause you've got that something ♪

[DRAMATIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hello, fraud-lein.

Did you hear the D?
'Cause I put it in there.

- "Fraud-lein"?
- [SIGHS]

Great.

I've just heard from Karl Teuscher.

- It's ours, the title.
- [GASPS]

- What's ours?
- Oh, my God.

Okay, every year a book makes
such a splash in Frankfurt

that they call it the Book of the Fair.

This year there are two.
Both of them ours.

"Marriage Vacation,"
and "Capital Letters."

- It has never happened before.
- Oh, my gosh!

Oh, stretching. That's... that's better.

Yeah, no, I set up an
impromptu press panel.

You know, I thought it'd be
nice to have sort of a...

- a sales... oh, my God.
- Oh, wow. Word must be out.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, uh, Diana, can you get me a pen?

- What?
- I need a pen. Can you just...

Go on.

Um, can you, uh, just excuse me

while I go get myself a pen?

I'll get you a pen, Liza.

Just remember this moment well.

I certainly will.

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

Hey, Trout.

So Millennial's the talk of the Fair.

What do those young girls
have that we old gals don't?

Oh, I don't know.

Of course, I have been
grooming Kelsey for years,

but it wasn't till I
loaned her my assistant

- that things really took off.
- Oh.

You can't work for me for
long without absorbing

- some wisdom.
- Right.

- That Lisa girl.
- Liza.

- Yes.
- Mm.

I mentored her pretty hard.

God love her. She's so green.

She's basically doing it for the
assistant salary I pay her.

Interesting. What are those?

- Oh, just the souvenirs.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, please.

It's not what we remember
of Frankfurt, DiDi.

It's what Frankfurt remembers of us.

And it remembers .

- [GRUNTS]
- Standing ovation, I seem to recall.

I am afraid those days are over.

I've spoken with the band leader.

She's game if we are.

- You cannot be serious.
- Oh, I'm dead serious.

I'll see you tonight.

Unless you're, like your company,

past your prime.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- ♪ [VOCALIZING] ♪
- ♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ [VOCALIZING] I like it ♪

- Josh.
- Hey.

Marlowe and Daughters had crown roast.

So you're coming over, and bring Lauren.

- All right.
- I wanna make up

for the last one that I ruined.

[CHUCKLING] So it's just the four of us,

and it'll be fun, I promise.

No drama. We have a
meet, wine, and weed.

Okay. The Maggie Amato Trifecta.

- I am in.
- Yes, all right.

- See you later.
- Bye.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Well, what's next?

Uh, the paperback release of
"Marriage Vacation," of course.

And a new nonfiction book
that we are just editing now,

by world-renowned finance
expert Quinn Tyler.

A provocative examination

of women helping women in business.

Next question?

Yeah, you keep mentioning young people,

but tell me, how old is this tall one?

Um, old enough to know
an appropriate question

when I hear it, and
that wasn't it. Next.

- Uh, follow up.
- Oh, my God!

Maybe it's the light.
If you move a little...

- No, it doesn't help.
- [SCANDALIZED CHATTER]

So does the young one do the young books

and you do the old ones?

Believe me, we are both millennials.

- Yeah.
- Next question.

- From somebody else.
- You look young, though.

So you should tell her your face cream.

That is women helping women.

And you do what she tells you.

Push up, always up.

Oh, we're out of time.
Thank you very much.

Uh, thank you. No, we're good.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Gosh, Kelsey, I am so sorry. I...

I know I look tired.
It's the jetlag and...

It's fine, don't worry about
it. It's part of the deal.

I hate that you have to
keep covering for me.

I don't wanna talk about it anymore.

You know what I wanna do?
I wanna go get drunk.

You in?

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ [VOCALIZING] Oh, yeah ♪

[JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Ooh!

I am going to get us drinks.

Okay. [GASPS] Wow.

Hello, youngster.

Did they card you at the door?

[SCOFFS] Cheryl, I'm not
here to get blackmailed.

Look, what I wanna say
is, congratulations.

You're a hit.

Empirical's on the ropes,
but you guys, wow.

Thank you, but Empirical's gonna be...

So I wanna offer you a job.

I'm pretty sure you're not
making what you deserve,

and I can fix that, so come to Plaza.

- You're joking.
- No.

You're k*lling it for a company
that's going underwater,

and I'm throwing you a life preserver.

And the great part is I know your age.

So you wouldn't have to lie anymore.

Or put your employer or
your colleagues at risk.

You can't keep this a
secret much longer.

And if I say no, you'll expose me?

No. Look, Liza, you're a
mother, I'm a mother.

I swear on my children's lives.

Well, the younger one.

Look, your secret's safe
with me, I promise.

And when it explodes,

your friends will be under the rubble.

Anyway, there's no pressure,
just, you know, think about it.

♪ ♪

[SIGHS] Guten Abend.

- You look happy.
- Hmm.

- How'd your meetings go?
- Excellent.

I think that Media-Italia

is interested in investing in us.

Very interested. How was your day?

Great. Except our press
panel got a little off track.

- What happened?
- Um...

Had to pull this one away from the bar.

[SQUEALS] Whoa. [LAUGHTER]

Easy.

How about something to eat?

I am celebrating, okay?

I'm the hit of the Buchmesse.

Yeah, if you don't slow down,
you're gonna be the mess

of the Buchmesse.

Oh, [MIMICKING] mess of the Buchmesse.

[GONG RESONATES]

Und now, ladies und gentlemen,

back by popular demand, the Kit Kat Klub

is happy to introduce to
you, fresh from New York,

those singing sensations,
Fraulein ChiChi Sussman

and Fraulein DiDi Trout.

What?

ALL: [GASPS, APPLAUSE]

Ah. [CHUCKLES]

♪ Willkommen! ♪

♪ And bienvenue! ♪

♪ Welcome! ♪

♪ Fremder, étranger, stranger ♪

[SINGS IN GERMAN]

[SINGS IN FRENCH]

♪ Happy to see you ♪

♪ Bleibe, reste, stay ♪

♪ Willkommen! ♪

♪ And bienvenue! ♪

♪ Welcome! ♪

♪ Im cabaret, au cabaret ♪

♪ To cabaret! ♪

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKS GERMAN AND FRENCH]

Ladies... and gentlemen.

[SPEAKS GERMAN AND FRENCH]

Good evening!

[SPEAKS GERMAN AND FRENCH]

- Do you feel good?
- I feel good, Cheryl, I do.

[SPEAKS GERMAN]

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

♪ We are your hosts ♪

[SINGS IN GERMAN]

♪ Willkommen! ♪

♪ And bienvenue! ♪

♪ Welcome! ♪

♪ Im cabaret, au cabaret ♪

♪ To cabaret ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Whoo!

Ah.

Thank you.

- Thank you so much.
- [LAUGHING]

Oh, we still got it, DiDi.

Am I thirsty?

Liza, sh*ts, please. Doubles.

You got it, boss.

Hey, you wanna see a magic trick?

- What?
- I'm gonna drink this

and turn into a different
person, watch this.

♪ ♪

Mmm.

Okay. Okay, okay.

That is a Frankfurt Freebie.

And there's more where that came from,

- if you're interested.
- A-ha.

Because I came to Fuckfurt to frank.

No, that's not right.

I came to Frankfuck to furt.

- No.
- [LAUGHS]

I, uh, think I ought to
get back to the hotel.

- Yep.
- You do that.

- Goodnight, Charles.
- Will see you.

- I'm so sorry.
- [LAUGHS]

Yeah. Now that the boss is
gone, we can really drink.

- Oh.
- Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

That was you holding back?

All right, ladies.

- Where's Charles?
- He left.

Hey, there, Scheisse Minnelli,

- you wanna go on a pub crawl?
- Ha! Hell, yeah.

[DANCE MUSIC]

[GLASSES SLAM DOWN]

♪ ♪

[DOOR KNOCKING]

♪ ♪

I think I found a way
out for you and me.

For all of us.

Can I come in?

I can't promise I won't try to kiss you.

Me first.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Okay, so I wanted to get an erotic cake

from the kosher bakery on
Driggs with four breasts,

you know, in honor of your new love,

- but it's a Build-A-Bear now.
- I know.

I can top that. Okay,
this hipster family

comes into the shop last night,

and they wanna tattoo,

get ready, their seven-year-old son.

- Stop.
- No.

- I swear.
- Oh, my God.

- Unbelievable.
- You know,

I haven't lived here for years

to start dodging stroller
traffic on the sidewalk.

I mean, junkies, yes. But strollers, no.

And you know, it's not just
the straight hipsters.

I mean, now, it's lesbian couples now

- that wanna have kids.
- Oh, I know.

I'm so misguided. I mean,
so many of those kids

are gonna turn out straight.

It's like mice having
a litter of kittens.

Sure, they're gonna be cute for
the first couple of years,

but then, you know, they're gonna turn,

they are gonna turn.

But I... but you must
know, you must know,

straight people are not the enemy.

- Thank you. Right back at ya.
- Right? Right?

And second of all,

I was hoping to be one of those clichés.

I tried really hard for a year,

but, ugh, it's expensive.

So I had to just give up.

Wait, you wanna have a baby?

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES] You don't
think I'd be a good mom?

- No, you'd be amazing.
- Thank you.

Come on, just have a C-section.

You know, you don't wanna
stretch out your good sweater.

- Oh, my God.
- [LAUGHTER]

You know what? Seriously, Maggie,

you can relax, because, I mean,

forget the fertility treatments,

I can't even afford a sperm donor.

Unless Josh wants to pitch in.

Oh. Hey, now.

- Friends and family discount.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.

He would be amazing. Those shoulders.

Oy, that face. Yes, come on.

It'll look good on a boy or a girl.

You guys, we should do
it lesbian old school.

I'm talking sporty
mullets, turkey basters,

Dinah Shore Weekend.

Wait, wait, wait. What
is your family history?

- Mm?
- And also,

have you had work done?
Because I really worry

about noses, and this
one, it's been touched.

[LAUGHING, STAMMERING]
No, it's mine. It's mine.

Are you sure? You promise?

Ho... ho... hold on, hold on.

First you spring in
the baby thing on me,

and now you're asking
my friend for sperm?

Well, do you know how much sperm costs?

[WHISPERING] It's a lot.

So I have to follow up on any option.

So, wait a second, even
if you could afford

to do it, you still want a baby?

Yeah.

When were you planning
on telling me this?

I don't know, when we were
on solid ground again.

I thought we were.

I guess I was just really worried

about how you were gonna react.

Oh. I'm blindsided.

Well, I'm disappointed.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ Doo do do do do Doo do do, yeah ♪

You at Plaza?

That's a lot to wrap my head around.

It's not just about you and me, Charles.

It's what my lie is doing to Kelsey.

If I'm gone, she can breathe easy.

But Millennial is our biggest asset.

Is it gonna be as strong without you?

Kelsey's the star.

You saw something in her

a year before I got here,
and she delivered.

It's her imprint.

- I'm not so sure.
- Plus...

Not being together during working hours

allows us to be together after hours.

And we're pretty good after hours.

Only one problem.

You have a contract with us.

What can I do to get you to release me?

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

Um...

♪ ♪

Spend the night?

If I do,

we both agree I'm working for Plaza.

Consider yourself fired.

♪ ♪

Two vodka sodas, please. Thanks so much.

- It's on me.
- Oh, thank you.

- Say, you look very nice.
- [GIGGLES]

- [SQUEALS]
- Oh.

Ah.

I got you. It's fine.

- Um...
- Hey, keep your hands off her.

- It's okay, it's okay.
- See? Leave us alone, man.

[SHOOS]

Now, where were we?

- [GRUNTS]
- Ah!

What's happening?

Okay, let's get out of here.

- [MAN GROANS]
- [UPBEAT POP MUSIC]

Whoa-ho. My God. This floor wobbles.

- Uh-huh.
- They should fix that.

Okay. Hey. Well, here we are.

- Where's your key?
- Uh, it's in my coat.

Where's my coat?

[SIGHS]

♪ Are they for real? ♪

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHTER]

Ooh, Liza.

[GASPS]

Liza, I need an answer about
that job offer right away,

as soon as possible.

Is now soon enough?

Mm-hmm.

Because the answer is yes.

Hey.

Sleep well.

Phew. Smart girl.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Did you forget your...?

Sorry.

Wrong room.

Ah, goodnight.

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Mm.

No, no, no, no.

Why am I in your room?

You lost your coat and your key,

so I brought you here.

Oh, my God. Okay, and what did we do?

We did nothing. You passed out.

And I... how do I put this?

Had to light a lot of matches.

Oh, my God. Okay, but...

You... you just tucked me in, right?

Mm-hmm, yep. "Ucked" with a T, not an F.

- I slept on the couch.
- Well, what a gentleman.

Who would've thought?

I feel like I should buy you
breakfast or something.

Not this morning. While
you and Liza were busy

patting yourselves on
the back yesterday,

Gerhardt Schmidt finally
answered my email.

Yep, new agent with an unsigned author

who's just written book one of a series

about the Sicilian Mafia.

Could be the next "Godfather."

Wow. Well, you are due for a comeback.

Uh-huh. And once I sign him,

I'll have my pick of breakfast offers.

Pick of everything.

Mm, like you could do better than me.

[CHUCKLES] Well, for one thing,

whoever she is, she won't snore.

[CHUCKLES]

[CALM ROCK MUSIC]

Aw.

♪ ♪

Gerhardt? Zane Anders.

So glad to finally...

meet you.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I love Frankfurt. You
realize we sold books

in every single territory. [LAUGHS]

It's gonna be such a good year for us.

Yeah.

You know what? I gotta tell you,

I think Zane, I might've misjudged him.

You weren't there last
night, but after you left,

there was this guy...

Hey, what is going on with you?

[SIGHS]

Do you sometimes hate me a little?

What? Why?

Wh... what are you talking about?

I've seen you this weekend,

lying to cover up my lie.

And you smile and don't complain,

but, [EXHALES DEEPLY], you
gotta hate me a little for it.

- It's okay, I...
- It's only okay

because we've managed to
dodge the b*llet so far.

But one day we're not gonna be able to,

and it's all gonna blow up,

and Millennial will never recover.

And you'll hate me then.

- No.
- Kelsey.

No, it's not... it's not gonna happen.

I got a job offer.

Cheryl Sussman at Plaza Publishing,

and I'm gonna take it.

- No.
- Kelsey.

I can never repay you for
what you have done for me,

but that day when you hate me,

I have gotta get out of
here before that happens.

While the party's still happening,

and... and we're on a high, and...

It had to happen, Kels.

We've come to the end of this road.

It was a beautiful, beautiful road.

And I had so much fun,

and I loved every minute of it.

♪ ♪

No. There has to be another way, okay?

We need to just stop

and just take a second and breathe,

- and think, and...
- It's okay. Kelsey, it's okay.

We both know it.

It's time for me to go.

[SOBBING]

♪ I love you, I love you ♪

♪ Hey, sister, I'm gonna
be standing with you ♪

♪ Yeah, with you ♪

♪ Yeah, with you ♪