03x06 - Like su1c1de

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Van Helsing". Aired July 2016 - current.*
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Vanessa Helsing, distant relative of famous vampire hunter Abraham Van Helsing, is resurrected in a post-apocalyptic world, five years in the future, only to find that vampires have taken over the world. She is humanity's last hope to lead an offensive to take back what has been lost.
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03x06 - Like su1c1de

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on Van Helsing...

Help me up.

What's wrong with her?

She's been poisoned.

You're being integrated back
into society.

Welcome to Denver.

I'm sorry Flesh...

Don't tell me that!

I'm not your boy anymore.

My name's Phil... Phil Fleischman.

Have you had your first sh*t yet?

It's a repellant for vampires.

I... I'm looking for
work, are you hiring?

I'm Frankie. Welcome aboard, Julius.

The city was overrun.
Why were you guys still here?

Leave no man behind.

Back to back. Back to back!

Aaargh!!!!!

Psst!

Who's that?

It's Patterson.

How long have I been out for?

Hard to say.

Came to 'bout an hour ago.

No idea how long before that I was dark.

Anybody else make it?

I don't think so.

What was that?!

Sh-sh-sh. Be quiet.

So much has changed during my slumber.

Soldiers seeking their death
is not one of them.

Imagine my surprise...

waking to find the world
belonging to vampires.

I must thank the Van Helsing
for disturbing my sleep.

You'll get your chance,
I promise you that.

I like you.

Vigor.

Strength.

Handsome.

Yes.

A fine specimen.

Leave him alone.

You might wanna think about a Tic Tac.

Stow it, private.

No!

Bitch!

Hey!

You Americans are delectable.

You're gonna die for that.

Will you strike me down?

Not me, I know someone
who's up to the task.

The great vampire slayer?

Let him come.

She'll k*ll you first.

I was going to feed you to my Gonsei.

Instead, I will turn you what you k*lled

the Van Helsing in my command.

Oh, yeah?

Let's get this party started.

Have at 'er.

Hah! How'd that work out for you?

Hmm?

Impossible.

I can't be turned.

She made sure of that.

And you can't feed me to your
little fly monkeys, either, so...

I guess you're just
gonna have to k*ll me.

Yes!

But first, I'm going to use you.

Have a good night there, ladies.

Good night, you big ol' yeti!

Yeti... I love it, yeti!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just be safe, you two.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alright... here's the last of it.

I'm gonna go clean up.

What's the rush?

You got somewhere to be?

No, it's just when a man gets a job,

he's supposed to work.

Ain't that right?

Yeah, I guess I'm just not used
to bar grunts being

so eager to do sh*t work.

I ain't no grunt.

Hey, I meant nothin' by it.

What about him?

You wanna toss him or should I?

That's Marv, and that's
his harmless stage.

Let's just let him sleep until
we're ready to turn the key.

Wait, you don't think I can
take care of him?

I think you can take just
about anything you want.

Mmm. Sorry, we're closed.

Ph...

Phil.

- Are you okay?
- Just lookin' for a drink.

Sorry, we're closed.

I just got this job and...

You gonna deny me a drink now?

Okay, what's your poison?

You want the good hooch or do
you want that bathtub hooch?

Bourbon.

Another.

Phil...

Another.

- Another...
- No, no.

You've have enough, okay...

This isn't subterranean brood here.

You don't get to tell me
what to do anymore.

Maybe he doesn't, but I do.

As long as you're in my place,
I'm the law.

It's okay, Frankie.

Phil's an old pal.

That's fine.

Drink up, pay, and I wanna
see some tail lights.

We're closed.

He may be your friend,
but he's still gotta pay.

I got it.

I owe him.

Owe him for what?

Everything.

Let me go!

Get off!

Let me go!

Tree line. Aim for the stairs.

You're... you're actually
a very coordinated,

excellent dancer.

- I... I am...
- You just can't walk.

Right.

This... this thing is very coordinated.

Oh, that's disturbing.

Oh, my God.

Oh... oh, wow.

Am I just drunk, or are these stars

the most beautiful things
you've ever seen in your life?

Leave it up the Apocalypse

to appreciate the little things, huh?

You know what?

You look really beautiful tonight.

You, too.

Oh, sh*t!

Get off!!!

You're okay, you're okay!

Are you okay... are you okay?

- I think so.
- Are you bit?

No, no, I'm not!

It's the sh*ts.

They work!

They really work.

Oh, God.

And then... and then she just, like,
stickes it right into his head.

Ah, she's amazing.

I'm trying to count here!

So what'd you get up to? Huh?

What does Jared do for fun?

Can we just finish this?!

Sure.

Whatever.

Son of a bitch!

Jared, what's the matter with you?

Jared?

I'm okay.

He just att*cked me!

What happened?

He just...

Just breathe.

Just breathe.

Vanessa!

Vanessa, check this out!

What is it?

I don't know. You tell me.

What is it?

An invitation.

No-no-no-no-no-no.

Vanessa, where you gonna go?!

Don't try to stop me, Dre.

Look, I know you wanna save
your sister and your friend.

I get that, all of it,
but going out there

is only gonna get you k*lled.

I have a better chance
of finding Axel out there

than sitting on my ass in here.

You don't even know where to look.

Please, take care of my sister.

I have to do this.

Okay, good luck.

Godspeed.

Thank you, thank you.

Wasn't she great?

Give her another round of applause.

One more.

Said that five 'one more's' ago.

...I think we are the only bar in Denver

that has open mic night during the day.

In fact, I think we're
the only bar in Denver.

Next up, we have the comedy
stylings of Count Laughula?

Let 'em hear it!

Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ah-hah-hah!

Thank you, thank you very much.

You people just don't know hard
it is to be a vampire.

Denver is the worst.

We can't go out in the daytime.

Have you ever tried to catch
your food at night?

It sucks!

Boom! Ha-ha-hah!

You suck, buddy.

Yes, yes, I do.

If you're not careful, I'll suck you!

No, I... I mean his blood.

Not... about to suck your blood.

- Yeah, sure, buddy.
- Anyway, joke two.

I'm telling you it's hard
out here for a vampire.

I try to get a tan for the ladies,

but they only come running

because they think they
smell fried chicken!

Boom! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

What do you know about
being one of them!

I'm Count Laughula!

You're a hack! Playing dress-up.

- Hey, look pal, I'm just trying to...
- Trying to what?

Trying to what? Feeders aren't funny.

You wanna know what it's like
being one of them?

- Phil...
- I used to...

He... hey-hey! They wanna know,
they wanna know!

Yeah, we do!

Feeders aren't funny,

and I should know
because I used to be one...

Oh, yeah?

Well, uh, I don't recall seeing
you hanging around!

Boom-boom! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

You wanna know what it feels like?

The first thing is the hunger...

that's the first thing that you feel.

It's intense.

It's intense and it's so painful,

and it fuels your anger and your hatred,

it's relentless and no matter
how much you feed,

you want more, and you'll do anything...

anything!

I did unspeakable things.

Like what?

You wanna know? You really wanna know?

I fed on my own children.

So how'd they taste?

How'd they taste?

**** you, that's how they tasted.

And then I forced their mother,
my wife, to watch.

And then I just left her there,
I didn't k*ll her,

I didn't turn her, I got off
on her pain, suffering.

And then, I went off to feed.

And I didn't feel a thing.

Not a thing.

Now they're gone.

There's nothin' I can do.

Well, maybe there is something
I can do about it.

So do it already.

Oh, sh*t!

Phil!

What's he doin'?

Now that's funny!

Oh, it's just you!

Nice to see you, too.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's not
what I meant, Jolene.

I'm just feeling a little
frustrated right now, you know?

Like, haven't been able to get
anywhere with this blood

that Scarlett gave me and the truth is,

I don't know what I'm looking for...

No-no-no, I'm sorry, no, clearly
you're too busy, right,

and I wasn't just att*cked again,

but, you know, forget about it...

att*cked again? Hey!

No, it's just... alright, don't
worry about it, it's alright.

Hey, Jolene, what's going on...

Don't touch me!

What the... was that?!

I don't know.

- I'm sorry, Sarah...
- No! No.

I don't know, that wasn't me.

I'm sorry.

The hell was that?

Let me guess... two more?

How's your friend?

He's good.

Just went home to sleep it off.

That was quite a performance he gave.

Yeah, he's unpredictable, I guess.

He's been through a rough time.

I mean, haven't we all?

It's his way of dealing with it...

acting out what it would
be like to be one of' em.

Vampire, I mean.

Right, so, that b*llet hole
in the wall over there,

that's just part of the act?

I mean, that must've been there before.

I mean, like you said, back in the day,

it was pretty crazy here.

So is it true? What he said?

The part about havin' a family?

Yeah.

He had a family.

Oh, well if any of them are still alive,

they might be on the registry.

What registry?

I know you're there, Barry.

How'd you know?

You're about as stealthy
as a Clydesdale.

What are you doing here?

I wanna help... help save your friend.

It's too dangerous.

I'm not afraid.

Yeah, I know, Barry, okay,
and I appreciate that,

but it's gonna take more than bravery

and that pipe to make it
outta this alive.

What's over in that direction?

That's Chinatown.

You shouldn't go there.

Yeah, I hear that a lot.

I saw you lick that blood.

Is that how you do it? How you find' em?

Yeah, it's how I focus.

Makes me strong.

What are you doing?

Barry, no!

Here, to help b*at that thing!

Barry, you need to go.

What you mean?

Barry, you need to get
the **** out of here

or I'm gonna k*ll you!

Go!

Just wanted to help.

Just wanted to help.

Per your request, one repellant sh*t.

Great, thank you.

What do you need that for anyway?

Date is...

I dunno!

Uh, time is 3:42 pm.

Test subject A has been given
an elevated dose

in hope of speeding up,
uh, incubation time.

Test subject B has been given no dose

and will act as our control.

It's the sh*ts.

Jesus Christ, what are you doing!

It's the sh*ts, Jo!

They're what's causing
these violent outbursts.

It's why you nearly bit my head off.

It's the sh*ts!

But that's... what... are you sure?

Oh, yeah... I'm 100 percent sure.

Then we have to tell someone.

No... we have to tell everyone.

Hello?

Oh, hey there!

How can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for your
population registry,

I was told I might be able
to find someone.

Well, if they pass through Denver,

they'd be on it.

Wow, so, the names of all the
people that survived the rising...

- they're in here?
- You bet.

Great!

You lookin' for anyone special?

Uh, yeah, a friend's wife.

Ooh, let me guess.

Friend no longer in the picture,
you always had a thing for her,

now you see your chance.

What?

No! No!

No?

Well, fill your boots.

- Damnit!
- No luck?

No.

Thanks anyway.

Don't wanna check the other volumes?

There's other volumes?

The lapse time post injection
was less than a minute.

What was the dosage?

Ten times the regulated amount,
give or take,

but depending on a person's tolerance,

there's no say what a safe dosage is

or if there even is one.

It has to be the cause
of these violent outbursts.

This is not news.

Of course there are side effects,

but the fact is, the sh*ts work,
which means people feel safe.

And when people feel safe,
they stay calm, happy.

Wait, you're saying you knew?

This whole time?

No one is saying what we have
here is perfect,

but it's a lot better
than outside these walls.

People need to know!

Do they?


What about the day walkers?

We don't know if it'll work on them.

What are you talking about?

You guys don't even know.

There's a mutation and
it allows a vampire to walk

in direct sunlight just like us
and it's spreading!

That's preposterous.

They're real!

And they're even harder to k*ll.

I don't have time
for these wild stories...

Hey! We are telling you the truth!

And if you think these walls
or your bloody sh*ts

that are gonna protect you,
you're an ****ing idiot.

Honey, is that you?

Oh, my God.

Hey!

Don't jump!

Get down from there!

Hey!

Daddy!

Hey, you'll be okay, okay!?

You'll be fine.

Just stay there.

Oh, jeez, I don't know what to do!

Just hold on!

Someone will come and help you!

Just take a step back, man!

Phil...

Phil!

Help is on its way!

Don't do it!

Phil?! Phil!

Phil, Phil don't!

You can't do this.

I have to.

I found her, Phil.

I found your wife.

She's here. In Denver.

You're lying!

No!

No, I'm not.

I swear to God and I can
take you to her.

Now just get off the ledge.

She wouldn't wanna see me,
not... not after what I've done.

No, you don't know that.

It's too late for me.

- I have nothing left.
- Hey, hey!

Phil, look at me.

Look at me, Phil.

It's not too late.

You're a good man with a good heart.

And you need to live.

Live for Lucky.

Live for your kids.

Live for your wife.

Please, Phil.

Let me take you to them.

I... need to take you to them.

I forgive you.

No!

Phil!

Phil!

Oh, my God.

Axel.

Vanessa?

Don't worry, I'm here.

Hide in the dark all you want,
it won't help you.

Finally.

The Van Helsing.

I'm here for him, that ring,
and your head.

Look familiar?

You have a thing that does not
belong to you.

You are not worthy of an elder's totem.

I will take it from your corpse

and be that much closer
to releasing the dark one.

Or how about I just take your head?

k*ll her!

The dark one will be free.

Where do you think you're going,
you ugly bitch?

Are you okay?

Thanks to you.

I've gotta get the ring.

There you are.

And I have something for you.

Lost these?

Thanks.

Two down.

Two to go, unfortunately.

Where's Scarlett?

Vanessa, where's Scarlett?

- Where is she?
- Right here!

- Where is she?
- Right here!

Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ.

Hey, hey!

- Let's get her up.
- I feel a pulse.

Ok, ok.

- Alright come on.
- What is that?

The B'ah's blood.

It should counteract the poison.

Hey, open up, open up, open up.

Come on.

Alright take it down, take it down,

you got it, you got it.

That's a girl.

Come on, Scarlett.

You're my baddest little ninja, come on.

Come on, Scarlett.

You're my baddest little ninja.

Hey, army man.

Marine.

Whatever.

You're an assh*le.

Those people are unbelievable.

They can't muzzle us like that.

Wait, let's not start creating panic

- until we think things through.
- People could die.

Maybe they already have.

And people's lives are being saved,

- yours included.
- I don't care what they say.

I'm not taking anymore of those sh*ts.

Okay, okay, agreed.

This is all that's left?

Yeah, the B'Ah pretty much
wiped out the whole town.

We should be safe now,
you guys made sure of that.

I mean, there's probably still
some vampires around,

but the queen bee is dead.

You should be able to reclaim your city.

Ah, they can't stay here,
there's no resources,

there's no security.

What about the m*llitary?

Won't they send more troops?

Make this a safe zone again?

Can't bank on it.

They're wiped out as well
from what I've heard.

So what do we do?

Denver.

Supposed to be a safe zone.

We sent some of our own people
there already.

It's the only option.

We'll never make it on our own.

Yeah, you will.

'Cause I'm gonna take you there.

Axel?

You're not leaving.

Listen to me, I have to.

These people aren't gonna
make it there without me.

I owe them my life, and yours.

Please, don't do this.

Look, Scarlett you and Vanessa
don't need me,

not for what you're doing.

I need you!

I do, I need you!

Not like these people.

Promise me somethin', alright?

Promise me?

What?

No matter what happens,

no matter how sideways sh*t gets,

you meet me in that place
we talked about.

'Cause I'll be sittin' there waiting
to look at your face every day.

Deal?

Alright.

Somethin' to remember me by?

Oh, wait.

Something to remember me by.

You're really not like
the other girls, are you?

Alright, everybody.

Listen up, we leave at dawn.

I want you to go out
in scavenging groups

no less than three.

Gather whatever supplies
you might need...

food, water, weapons, whatever.

Watch your backs out there.

The city's still infested.

You heard the man, get movin'!

Thank you.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

So is this it?

You sure?

It looks like it.

Well, you said it, sleeping beauty.

I've been lookin' after you long enough.

Alright, I'll miss you.

Take care of yourself. Be safe.

Bring her back in one piece.

Yeah, not a scratch.

Ah, come on. Hold on a second.

Come over here.

Big finale, huh?

Kinda had to.

I'm glad you did.

See you.

I promise you'll see him again.

I'm gonna hold you to that.

Goodness, girl.

You're huge.

The old love of my life's name
was Wanda.

She looked more like a Ronda.

Let's see if you've still got
your singin' voice.

You didn't destroy the totems, did you?

I got a plan, so you gotta trust me...

No, you gotta trust me.

I'm also risking my life for humanity,

so tell me the plan.

Okay, but you're not gonna like it.

Try me.

We k*ll the elders, take their totems,

and resurrect the dark one ourselves.

We end this once and for all.

Okay, you're right. I don't love it.

In fact, I don't even like it.

But I'll do it.
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