01x03 - iFauxpologize

[bunniefuu]

They're not gonna laugh at you.

This time.

Come on.

[EXHALES]

Hey, Spence, are we supposed to be doing something while you talk to that corner?

Sorry, I just gotta get this speech right.

You guys are my last rehearsal before my dress rehearsal before my final dress rehearsal before my opening.

But yeah, help yourself to the sumptuous feast I painstakingly prepared.

You put out old takeout boxes from last week.

And you didn't even put out silverware.

Okay, before I reveal the centerpiece of my upcoming exhibition, I'd like to recite a short poem.

[LAUGHS]

What is this, a TED Talk?

I'm just joking.

I know it's not.

Ted was a friend of the family.

What is a feeling?

How does one define a rainbow?

- If a bamboo breaks...

- [LAUGHS]

Oh, sorry, Spencer.

Hold on.

I love this squirrel getting a manicure meme.

It says so much without saying anything.

Mm.

I'm saying something.

I used to find that funny, but now I follow a number of squirrel accounts that found the nail polish color highly problematic.

Okay, let's give Spencer the attention he deserves.

Thank you.

Harper, would you do me the honor of capturing the unveiling to show my future children, Banksy and Basquiat?

I'm assuming they'll be artists, but if not, they'll be very cool accountants.

May I present...

"Soliloquies In Time".

Ugh.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

This needs to be in the Guggenheim.

But not in the bathroom this time!

Fool me once.

No, not your sculpture.

This pic I just took of Carly spitting out your nasty leftover meatballs.

[LAUGHS]

You have to post this.

I'm PearDropping it now.

[PHONE DINGS]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, my God.

How should I caption it?

"When your leftovers should have just been left".

You guys get it?

'Cause, like, left and left.

At least you're pretty.

♪ I know you see ♪ ♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ And be so wonderful ♪ ♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ It's your time to be ♪ ♪ There's no chance unless you take one ♪ ♪ And the time to see the brighter side ♪ ♪ Of every situation ♪ ♪ Some things are meant to be ♪ ♪ So give me your best and leave the rest to me ♪

Did you know that Manicure Squirrel does nail art tutorials now?

I know I'm supposed to be editing, but want to watch every single one of them?

That squirrel's an anti-vaxxer.

Damn it.

Carly, you're number one!

- And Harper, you're great too!

- Yes.

But the photo that you posted, you're number one on IMemeDb!

[SCREAMS]

Screw you, baby confused by Pop Rocks!

[LAUGHS]

- Ooh, that baby gonna be mad!

- Ay!

Interesting.

Carly, you need to capitalize on this moment.

Re-share some of the funniest meatball face memes.

You'll drive a ton of traffic to your channel.

But do I want to use this to drive traffic?

It's not my favorite look.

Doesn't matter!

All publicity is good publicity.

'Cause when people like your face, they'll be all like, "How can I see more of that face?"

And that's where the merch comes in.

Wait, merch?

I don't know.

I just relaunched, and it still feels new.

Like a fawn trying its little legs out.

Maybe I should just wait a b*at and see how things shake out.

You don't have a b*at, Bambi.

You're hot now.

Tomorrow, someone's gonna eat a moldy cannoli and go like...

And then you'll be the next baby with Pop Rocks.

Harper's right.

Strike while the meatball is rancid.

Okay.

Yeah.

This is a good opportunity.

Harper, can we do keychains?

We can try.

My keychain guy hasn't been getting back to me.

Grandma B. says your oatmeal got cold, and somehow it's my fault.

Oh, she's not blaming me.

Millicent, Carly's number one on IMemeDb.

Too bad Carly's reign will be short-lived.

And then she'll come to regret ever having had a face at all.

What is there to regret?

It's a photo of Carly spitting out a meatball.

Precisely!

In a few years, we could all be vegans.

Or not be allowed to spit because of a worldwide pandemic.

[LAUGHS]

Don't worry about things that will never happen.

Ooh, pizzerias just followed me.

- Hello, free garlic knots.

- Oh!

How can you not see that this meatball is a ticking time b*mb?

I'm gonna check your timeline for more offensive content.

Aww, that's cute.

You're protecting Carly.

No!

I want to cancel Carly.

Right, yeah, that makes more sense.

- Freddie?

- Yeah?

You wanna dad it up?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Uh, there's nothing I can do to stop you, right?

- Nothing.

- All righty, have fun.

Interesting.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

The memes you're sharing have ruined my life!

Did they take your millions of dollars and the food from your fridge and the clothes off your back?

Worse.

They've taken my dignity.

Listen.

"When your man calls me".

"When he says he has five roommates".

"when you realize cartoon characters can be hot".

- Ooh, that's so true though.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

You guys, it's not funny.

People think you're making that face about my art.

What?

No.

You can see the disgusting meatball right there in my hand.

If anything, I'm highlighting your art.

Look at this article on QuackFeed.

Okay, "Don't hate me, but the artwork in the back of the Meatball Face meme is actually kinda good".

That's the best you could find?

Kinda good?

With a question mark?

Carly, my opening is this weekend, and all people are talking about are my leftovers and your face.

Okay, yeah.

I hear you.

But I just restarted "iCarly" and these memes are really helping my channel.

What do you want me to do?

The least you could do is apologize.

But I didn't do anything wrong.

[HIGH-PITCHED]

Didn't you?

Fine.

I'm sorry if your feelings are hurt.

I didn't realize you were so sensitive.

What kind of fauxpology was that?

Fauxpology?

Love!

That is a perfect caption for Meatball Face.

Totally!

"When you hear a fauxpology".

Wait, how do you spell that?

Oh, you spell it R-U-kidding me?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Spencer, you know how cutthroat it is out here.

All these new platforms and influencers getting younger and younger.

It's like Harper always says.

"You gotta switch it up on a bitch!" I'll never say that again.

It was cute though.

You tried.

Tomorrow, I could be beaten by a moldy cannoli.

Pop Rocks baby is already in rehab.

All right.

I get it.

Just don't add any more fuel to the fire.

Ba-bam!

Who wants a Carly meatball face T-shirt?

- Oh, my God, these are adorable.

- I know!

Is it gauche to wear your own face?

No, your face is...

Seriously?

Spencer, it's like I told Carly.

There's no such thing as bad publicity!

This meme is good for all of us.

You're getting your name out there.

I learned that my keychain guy isn't ghosting me, he's just dead.

Plus, feel the material.

Oh wow, that is soft.

Fine.

I'll wear it to bed, and only that.

♪ ♪ Millicent, you can come back now.

My mom is no longer using up all our bandwidth video-chatting with her Christian Book Club.

Good, because I was just finishing my timeline audit, on you.

What?

I thought you were doing an audit on Carly.

I was, but all I found were posts supporting puppy and cat adoption centers.

She's a saint.

You, on the other hand.

Cyberbullying.

Cyberbullying?

Against who?

Against me.

Eight years ago at : p.m., you wrote, and I quote, "I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want kids.

Ever!" I was joking!

Then you said, "If you think I'm joking, I am not!" Okay, wow.

I know that sounds bad, but this was from so long ago, I was probably wearing Crocs when I wrote it.

Why?

Did you use to be a nurse?

No, I just like a shoe that's easy to clean and comes in fun, bold colors.

Millicent, I'm sorry.

Tell me how I can make this right.

A six-pack of Red Lamb energy drink.

Red Lamb?

That's just caffeine and sugar.

And red food dye number five.

That's what makes it delicious.

You can't drink that.

It's not good for kids.

Emotional trauma isn't good for kids either, and yet...

Regular or Banana Blast?

♪ ♪ Oh, my God!

Spencer Shay.

I'm such a fan.

Oh, that's so sweet!

It's nice to be recognized for one's work.

- You're meatball brother.

- Uh-huh.

Also that.

I'm Willow.

I run a super popular food art Insta called "You Aren't What You Eat.

Just Kidding, You Are".

[LAUGHS]

Wow, food art?

So, like, thought-provoking sculptures using food or...

No, I take pictures of what I eat for lunch.

I've had six shows at this gallery.

Oh, I've got a show here too.

Just the one.

Oh, you're an artist too?

Cute.

Wait.

Let me just...

- Oh.

- Say, "meatball!"

Ahh, no!

Ahh!

I am not gonna cry.

You know what?

I'm gonna cry.

Sorry.

Oh, are you?

Are you sorry?

Well, I'm sorry!

Sorry I live in a culture that's so obsessed with memes and likes and fake art and fake apologies and...

oh.

I've got an idea.

I am reborn!

Yeah.

I have that effect on people.

Millicent, check it out.

Carly meatball face T-shirts.

They're $ .

But for you, $ .

.

I'd rather wear a shirt made out of human hair.

Besides, I don't need your flimsy discount.

I'm about to be Beyoncé rich with my new business.

What did I tell you about taking Bey's name in vain?

Oh, it's not in vain.

Since finding Freddie's old posts turned out to be profitable, I realized that there's a hole in the market.

Any Gen Z kid can tell you what's offensive now, but only Millicent can predict what will offend next.

I am the Offensive Oracle.

- Oh, this card stock is legit.

- Mm-hmm.

Want me to scrub your social media for a friends and family rate of $ ?

I'd rather wear a shirt made out of human hair.

And you can make one with all you shed.

- [LAUGHS]

- [COUGHS]

I even wrote a jingle for my Super Bowl commercial.

♪ Remember that we all post ♪ ♪ From our own place of privilege ♪ ♪ Just take into account ♪ ♪ We all have disparate opinions ♪ ♪ So if you're feeling worried you might be problematic ♪ ♪ Just call up your friend Millicent ♪ ♪ Or go read a book ♪ ♪ It's not my job to educate you ♪ ♪ Unless you pay me money ♪ No one's gonna remember that song.

But the world will remember what you did to Spencer.

Unless you purchase my "Meme Sweep" package.

It's where I get Republican Senators over to use your meme so no one else wants to.

Now, hold on.

We are not sweeping any memes until these tees are sold out.

Which reminds me, I need to do some Instagram Live promo.

What's popping, fashionistas, fashionistos, and fashionistxs?

I just got a new shipment of meatball tees in every size, color, under the rainbow.

Oh, hey, Ray-Ray!

That's actually a great idea!

I can do a livestream of Spencer's show.

That way, people's focus will be off my admittedly hilarious meme face and right back on Spencer's art, where it belongs.

I wish I was my sister.

Hi, Millicent.

I know you're still upset with me, but I think this will do the trick.

It's a USA Bae Doll!

I even found one with your name!

She's from the... British colonial era.

Nothing problematic about that.

Ooh, thanks!

This totally erases the trauma you inflicted on me.

With more trauma.

Millicent, it's just an old post.

Oh, my gosh, you didn't even get me the scarlet fever add-on pack!

Well, I...

Wow.

I always wanted one of these as a kid.

And now that I'm holding it...

I finally have one.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪ Yes, you look good, girl!

Tell your friends.

All of 'em.

Harper, what are you doing here?

Oh, Spencer asked me to come.

At first I was like, "Why?" But then immediately, I was like, "I don't care".

Maybe we can finally put this whole meme thing behind us.

Uh-huh.

Maybe.

Hi, friends!

I'm coming to you live from the grand opening of my brother Spencer's newest art show!

And these shirts are made with % recyclable materials, so be bad, buy that premium gas.

Before I go in, I just want to say, most of the meatball face memes you've been making are amazing.

Some of them, a little offensive.

Three of you need therapy.

But Spencer isn't just the meme guy.

He's a really talented artist.

And this night is all about Spencer and has nothing to do with me or...

my face!

Okay, well, he's on board with the meme.

In a really big way.

"The Museum of Influence".

So this is different than I expected.

Oh, look, a slideshow.

@JacquenessMonster.

"I'd rather be constipated for a month than read your blog".

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Love that he's amplifying that.

What do we have here?

Like, like, like!

Does this make your empty soul feel better?

A hateful like button.

[LAUGHS]

Deep?

Oh, look, lattes.

This is cute.

And the foam says...

"Is this art?" I bet the answer is yes!

[CHUCKLES]

We got a lot of comments coming in.

Most of you don't seem to be loving it, but why don't we talk to some true art aficionados and get a more nuanced take.

Hey, I'm Carly Shay of "iCarly".

I'm Willow, of this impermanent Earth.

You seem to really be enjoying this show.

Would you want to be on my Insta Live review?

Sure.

I'm really charismatic.

[LAUGHS]

Okay.

So tell me your thoughts on...

"A Single Pringle" is the opposite of art.

Everyone knows that real art is putting two Pringles in your mouth facing opposite directions so you look like a potato chip duck.

I, for one hand, am personally offended.

That's one way to look at it, but don't you think you're taking this a little too personally?

Oh, so I'm guessing you haven't seen that, then?

[DISTORTED]

This is still "iCarly", but it's grown up now, so today I thought I'd share my skincare routine.

What is this hell?

My review?

If you want to see a show all about hating the internet...

And me, come on down to the "Museum of Influence".

Listen, Carly, us influencers, we have to stick together.

I'll go find more people to be mad with us.

Hello, sister.

Or should I say... nemesister?

Spencer, what is this place?

It's really mean.

To me, and to lattes.

- Mission accomplished.

- Seriously.

People are pissed.

I just talked to this girl, Willow, and she said this entire place is really offensive.

God, she doesn't even understand that you're mocking her and her profile pics.

Mission accomplished, the sequel!

You know, the internet has the power to bring people together.

But to you, I guess everything online is just some big joke.

Maybe I've never made a fancy sculpture or painted a flower or put a Pringle on a pedestal, but my content still has value.

And you know what?

Likes do make my empty soul feel better!

But that's just because it's been scientifically proven to release dopamine!

Hey, Millicent.

Did I miss anything?

Just my sales spike.

This exhibit is just a reminder for people to be more careful

- about what they post online.

- Hmm.

Anyway, I'm sad.

What's in the bag?

Well, I thought since you're starting a new business, I'd buy you... a new keyboard.

- Wow!

Thanks, Freddie.

- Yeah.

So this place is what, just skewering things on the internet?

Ooh, where's the part where they make fun of JavaScript?

@NotMilllicent .

"Manipulating parents is so easy.

Check out my new keys".

Seriously?

[LAUGHS]

It says NotMillicent , so obviously it's not me.

Millicent.

Ugh, fine.

It's me.

Millicent.

.

So, you're not actually traumatized?

No, I just took advantage of your insecurities about being a new parent to get some cool stuff.

- Mm.

- Thanks for the keyboard.

Yeah, bah, bah.

Uh-uh.

- Was there an apology in there?

- Come on!

An admission of guilt isn't enough?

Not in .

Who do you think you are, a high-profile male celebrity?

You pretended to be hurt so that I would buy you stuff.

It's my keyboard now.

You're right.

Thank you for teaching me a moral lesson.

It's better than any gift you could have ever gotten me.

You're welcome, Millicent.

You know what?

Here.

Take the keyboard.

You're so easy.

[LAUGHS]

Yo!

Thousands of people saw that Live, and they're coming here, like, to actually protest!

Well, I'm glad the world is finally gonna take my side.

Oh, no, they're coming to protest you.

Carly, you are so radical!

You started a whole-ass riot.

It's yet to be seen what this will do for sales, but I'll keep y'all posted.

Oh, crap.

Gamers are putting down their controllers, foodies are sharpening their knives, and ASMR stans are coming here to yell at you, quietly.

[WHISPERING]

Screw you, loser.

After witnessing Carly Shay's livestream, I encourage all other members of the Coalition of Latte Artists to cancel Spencer Shay!

His art is like expired milk.

Everybody listen up.

My name is Willow, and as an influencer who influences the influential, I am appalled by this sham of a museum.

- It's a revolution!

- [ALL CHEERING]

- Spencer sucks.

- Spencer sucks.

- Yeah, get him!

- [ALL SHOUTING]

Hey, hey, thank you all for coming.

- Boo!

- ALL: Boo!

Hey, look, I just want everyone to know I didn't mean to offend you all.

I only meant to offend my sister, Carly Shay.

There she is!

She sucks!

Just apologize to these people.

[WHISPERING]

We demand an apology.

I can barely hear whoever said that.

Look, Spencer, it's okay to apologize for something that you didn't necessarily mean to...

Oh.

Spencer, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have ignored your feelings.

I real apologize.

Hey, Carly, I'm sorry that I retooled my entire art exhibit to critique the internet and take you down.

Come here.

Oh, but you've got to admit, that small black room where you can scream into the void is pretty sweet.

[SCREAMING]

Yeah, we're still mad.

- ALL: Yeah!

- What, seriously?

[ALL SHOUTING]

I sold out, baby!

[LAUGHS]

- Harper, a little help here?

- Oh, on it.

Look, over there!

Someone's sharing their negative opinion about a TV show you liked as a child!

- Let's get 'em.

- ALL: Yeah!

Get them!

Let's get that guy!

[ALL SHOUTING]

You're welcome.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪ ♪ Remember that we all post ♪ ♪ From our own place of privilege ♪ BOTH: ♪ Just take into account ♪ ♪ We all have disparate opinions ♪ TRIO: ♪ So if you're feeling worried ♪ ♪ You might be problematic ♪

ALL: ♪ Just call up your friend Millicent ♪ ♪ Or go read a book ♪ ♪ It's not my job to educate you ♪ ♪ Unless you pay me money ♪

- Whoo!

- Mm-hmm,

- Yes!

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna win a Grammy!