01x13 - There's Something About Hamburger Mary's

[bunniefuu]

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[APPLAUSE STOPS]

[WHISPERS] Thank you.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Well, I just want to say...

that as supportive parents...

we...

we sometimes have to make
hard choices for our kids.

And, um... to my son, Nathan...

...I want you to know that...
love is complicated.

Okay.

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

- ♪ Oh, happy day ♪
- I'm making French toast!

MEGAN: So, where do you wanna go?

Ruby's on the pier?
Or a Mexican restaurant?

Mi Queso Es Su Queso?

Or, um... Or Benihana,
for old times' sake?

Wait, the creepy thing's tonight?

Mother-Son Date Night has
been on the board for weeks.

I can't do it. Sorry. I have something.

What?

Um, you don't want to know.

No, I want to know.

It's gay.

Oh, well. Okay.

Can this [SNIFFS] thing
happen another night?

No. It's a fundraiser for
q*eer teen su1c1de prevention.

My friend's trans aunt is throwing it.

And there will be drag queens,

and my gay boyfriend
will be there, so...

Why do you do this to me?

I'm not doing anything to you.

You're doing things.

You just have to take it out
and flap it in my face.

What am I flapping exactly? Who I am?

I'm sorry, but this is not
about you being...

It's about a commitment you made.

To me. To us. So, no, you can't go.

This was supposed to be our night.

Okay, and I'm just saying can we
do our night another night?

♪ When Jesus washed ♪

♪ He washed my sins away ♪

Or you know what? Fine. Fine.

Let's keep it tonight.

Let's have mother-son date night

with gays and lesbians and drag queens

and kinky people.

But if you forbid me from going,

I am literally going to go out

and hook up with
five to six guys right now.

Oh, stop it. You don't even know
"five to six guys."

You're right, Mom. That's what
they invented the Internet for.

♪ He washed my sins away ♪

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

- [FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]
- ♪ Oh, happy day ♪

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

I'm sorry, but you
just sitting there...

- ♪ Oh, happy day ♪
- ...is very frustrating,

not saying anything.

MARK: Well, I'm not saying anything

because you're not gonna
like what I have to say.

- Then don't say it.
- Exactly.

[DISH CLATTERS]

- It's just...
- So, you're going to say it.

Yes, I am. He invited you to go.

He didn't invite me. He dared me.

Maybe he wants you to go.

Trust me. He doesn't.

Here's the thing...
You can't steer the boat

if you're not in the boat.

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪

Is this right? Should we be here?

Yes.

Pandora?

Girl, living for the tartan.

Um, no, this is, uh, Nordstrom Rack.

Girl, you don't remember me?
We worked together in Denver.

You look like you play golf.

- [CHUCKLES] I do.
- Oh, you do?

Mm-hmm. Let me guess... seven iron?

Girl, I know a nine iron
when I see one.

Mm-hmm.

I bet you could teach me
a thing or two.

- As long as you're real hard on me.
- Mm. Yeah.

I could use a real ruthless education.

I-I... I could. I could.

You know, it really...
it boils down to your stroke.

You know? You just... you need to grip,

- but not... you know, not too tight.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Then you just take it straight
back, and you stroke it...

- Oh, my gosh!
- ...into the hole

and then maybe get a hole in one.

- I don't know.
- Ahh! Stop it!

Get outta here!

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

That was cute.

Bye-bye, peach.

♪♪

♪♪

Be in the boat.

I am. And I'm feeling very seasick.

Hi, there!

- Hi.
- Hi, Mrs. Stewart, Mr. Stewart.

Nice to see you both.

Nice to see you, too.

Oh, my God. Is that
a matching tartan clutch?

I live! Literal definition of clutch.

Who knew this would be such a hit?

Yeah. Patrick and Joe
are just right over there.

Oh, well, I thought we could just...

Maybe I'll just come
find you guys later.

You stole my date, mister.

- MARK: Let's go say hi to Naomi.
- I guess I need some tips

from you on how to make my son
want to hang out with me.

I just don't understand why I'm here.

I'm just gonna sit at another table

and watch them grope
and goggle each other.

Hey!

I can't believe you're here.

Well, we're being in the boat.

This is Cooper.

Hi. So nice to finally meet you guys.

- Nice to meet you, Cooper.
- Hi.

ANA: Hello, theydies and gentlethems!

It's starting. We're right over there.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you all for coming!

And thank you Hamburger Mary's
for letting me guest host.

I don't do drag anymore 'cause I
can't be working for pennies...

[LAUGHTER]

...but I still love
my beautiful, dysfunctional,

incestuous drag family,

and getting to come back to do
this with you for a good cause

is the best gift a girl can dream of.

Besides, like, I don't know,
a real gift.

[LAUGHTER]

- So, first, the house rules.
- We're thrilled you're here.

- Sign-ups for karaoke end in minutes.
- Well, know thy enemy, right?

- It's a joke.
- And any video or flash photography

is strictly required!

[GIGGLES]

That's right!

I did not get dressed up

like Selena fell into
a pool of gold glitter

because I don't want attention!

Whoo!

Showing up for Nathan,
I'm so proud of you.

Well, I really believe in kids
not k*lling themselves.

Is that a Bahama Mama?
Can I get a Bahama Mama?

Bahama Mama for my Mama.
I'll take a G&T.

Tonight, we are raising money

for the American Foundation
for su1c1de Prevention,

because we all know q*eer teens

have a higher rate
of depression and su1c1de.

Take it from me... showing up
for your teens at an early age

can save them from
the worst fate imaginable...

becoming a drag queen!

Oh! I see what you did there, girl!

No, I'm kidding.

I leave that to the professionals,

now that I have my real-estate license.

Yes! Selling Sunset vibe!

- I'm happy you're here.
- Oh!

I feel like our little
talk left its mark.

Well, it's wonderful the
way you walk through life.

Greta, stand up, please?

Ah, she hates this.

Cheer louder.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Stare more! Compliment her!

I have to say, getting
to take care of you,

even if only for a moment,

was one of the best
things I've ever done.

I love you, Mija.

[APPLAUSE, LIGHT CHEERS]

Now, I need a brave volunteer

for a magic trick I've been working on.

If anyone has a $ bill, hold it up.

- Over here!
- This is your man. Look no further.

- What?
- This guy, right here!

How about you, Papi?

Why not?

Oh, I love a thick wallet!

[CLAPPING]

Bring it here!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Yeah.

- Ooh!
- And so handsome.

You look like one of those,
uh, TV doctors.

[LAUGHTER]

Thank you.

Oh.

MAN: Whoo!

And give it up for Doctor Papi!

Can I be your caddy, Daddy?

Now, everyone pay close attention,

'cause I'm gonna make
this $ disappear.

♪♪

You see? Magic!

[APPLAUSE]

PATRICK: Mark, I hope you
take this as a compliment...

You would do well in West Hollywood.

Very, very well.

I mean, she really took my $ !

- Yeah.
- That's... Boy, that is funny.

Hey, so, uh, Naomi's
going to Winter Formal

with the same boy as Delilah?

- What?
- I think it's that boy.

Arianna was really upset because
they had agreed to go together.

Someone always feels
left out of a threesome.

Not if everyone's playing by the rules.

W-Wait, did Naomi not tell you?

No, of course she did.

Arianna's gotten over it.

She doesn't get sucked in
to that mean girl stuff.

But anyway, I-I think
it might make more sense

for us not to host the pre-party.

You guys have so much more space,

a-and Mark is like Ansel Adams
with his new camera.

- MARK: Stop it. Stop it. No.
- You are.

No. I mean, we could, though.

Right, hon?
Should we... Should we host?

Stay in the boat?

ANA: Again, I want to give a shout-out

to all the parents here tonight,
supporting their q*eer kids.

I think many of us in this room

know people who have not
grown up with this.

My very special friend Jorge
d*ed by su1c1de,

and if he had had parents
like the ones in this room,

it's why I'm here tonight.

Let's go.
I don't want to be here anymore.

- Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey...
- No.

I think I let you talk me into it.

Well, that would be a first.

I don't need a snarky joke-fest
right now, Mark.

- I just want to go.
- I don't.

I think we should be here for our son.

Do you not hear what she's saying?

It's good for him that we're here.

No. No, it isn't. No, it isn't.

No, it is not. It is not good parenting

to walk your child into a volcano,

and here we are, laughing
and holding his hand

- and walking him straight into hell...
- First victim... Megan!

Our first victim... Megan?

Yes! Whoo!

Yes! Whoo!

[CHANTING "MEGAN"]

[DRUMROLL]

♪ Baby, I am America ♪ _

♪ I'm a stranger just like you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh baby, I am America ♪

♪ You been begging for the truth ♪

[GASPS] No. I'm going on soon.

It has to be this playlist
in this order,

this loud, or bad luck.

You know I'm superstitious.

MAN: [SPEAKING SPANISH]
You are amazing.

Let me guess... Luz left you on read?

Okay, for the record,

I did not expect to be
right about that.

You really like that pendejita?

Should I not?

Hey, your feelings are your feelings.

I just hope you don't
like the idea of her

more than you like her.

Because I love the idea
of a bearded man

that showers me with gifts,
but it doesn't mean

I should date Santa Claus.

Ohh.

Did you hear from your mother?

She's not going to come.

But I genuinely think it's because

she has that Weight Watchers thing.

You know how culty they are.

Your sister's come a long way.

I'm just happy she
remembers your pronouns now.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Mm.

Hi. Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi!

Someone's giving me a
ride home tonight, by the way.

Oh.

Uh, good luck.

Ay, dios f*ck.

Why would you say those words?

You need to step outside, turn
around three times, and spit.

- Orale.
- Oh. Okay.

♪♪

[SPITS]

She's just staying a few nights.
I said she could.

You don't know it now,

but you're being
a very good friend to her

by letting your tia help her out.

I'm not allowing you.
You're just doing it.

You didn't even ask.

I am not getting into it
with you right now.

I am not.

I am nervous enough already.

But if tonight goes well,

I need you to come annoy me
before every special occasion.

Now go, find your pendejita.

MARK: ...Into the hole,
and maybe get a hole in one.

- Hi.
- Hey.

I didn't know if you were gonna come.

So insecure.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

♪♪

♪ A-Amazing, a-a-amazing ♪

♪ A-Amazing, a-a-amazing ♪

Hi. So, it turns out
our friends are pigs

and won't stop ripping up
straw wrappers,

which are so f*cking hard to clean up.

So, I'm spitting in their drinks.

I mean, not really, but maybe.

♪♪

Speaking of family, I want
to introduce you to someone.

Greta, stand up, please?

Ah, she hates this.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Cheer louder. Stare more!
Compliment her!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

I have to say,
getting to take care of you,

even if only for a moment,

was one of the best
things I've ever done.

I love you, Mija.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Now, I need a brave
volunteer for a magic trick

I've been working on.

What about you, Papi?

What's up with you?

- I love a thick wallet!
- What do you mean?

Is it 'cause Riley's here?

No. What? No.

Are you actually into girls?

I mean, yeah.

It's weird, 'cause I feel
like you do like me.

Definitely.

I think you'll figure it out.

I'm gonna head out, okay?

Really?

SIN D CRAWFORD:
Can I be your caddy, Daddy?

ANA: [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

GRETA: Yeah. I just feel,
like, I don't know, dumb.

ARIANNA: Well, I'm the dumb bitch

with two best friends
dating the same guy.

But Luz and you...

She, to me, is like... salt.

And you're more cinnamon.

I don't know.

Maybe it was how
different she is that I liked?

But, um...

I'm starting to feel like

there's something really wrong with me.

Maybe you just haven't
figured out what your thing is.

There are people who cum to women

squishing cake between their toes.

Yeah, I don't know
if that's gonna be my thing.

My point is, it's okay,
whatever your thing is.

You remember in second grade,

we did that weird Thanksgiving play

and were both
in the same pilgrim family

and had to pretend to be starving?

Yeah?

I don't know why, I just thought of it.

[LAUGHS]

You know, I'm on the Decor
Committee for the Winter Formal,

and I was thinking about not going

just to be petty on multiple levels,

but I actually want to,
if I'm being honest.

Plus, I get two free tickets,
so if you don't have someone,

I'd love to be your sloppy seconds.

It's not a pity ask. That's...
You're doing me a favor.

I would actually really love that.

♪♪

One sec. I'll meet you
at the table, okay?

[MOUTHS WORD]

Hey. I'm about to be done
for the night.

But, actually, um,
if this is weird, just tell me,

but, um, I'm happy for you and Luz.

Um... yeah.

I mean, it's kind of strange, but...

Anyway, um, I took a photo of you guys,

um, that I can text you
if... if you want.

I don't want it.

Okay. Got it.

No. It's not, um, that.

Um, she's not my...

We're not...

A-Anyway, um,

so that night when...

I mean, like, when we were,
um, on the trip...

Mm.

[SIGHS]

I don't know what it is exactly,

but [SIGHS] one
thing I do know is that...

it wasn't me not liking you.

♪♪

- Hey. What's up?
- Hi.

♪♪

- I'm sorry.
- Who's ready to have some more fun?

♪♪

ANA: Our first karaoke victim... Megan.

Where is Megan?

- Hey, cuties!
- Hi!

$ each.

Oh, please.
Let me play a good boyfriend.

Boyfriend. Aww. I love young love.

Come through, high school baby queers!

- Save our world, okay?
- Okay.

But can you tell my boyfriend
that he has to watch "Drag Race"

if he wants to call himself q*eer?

Oh. You a "Drag Race" ho.

I thought Gen Z
was supposed to be radical.

- Bitch!
- That's Mrs. Bitch to you.

Respect your elders.

- Okay.
- Go on in.

- Okay!
- Also, I mean it.

Please save our world.

Ahh! I've seen so many shows here.

I've seen Raven, Mayhem Miller,
Ariel Versace randomly.

Wait, that is where Laganja
twerked until I had a seizure!

Should I shut up?

You know these words
mean nothing to me, right?

I'm sorry. This place
just, like, transforms me

into my most extreme self,
which might scare even me.

Um, manager! Excuse me, manager!

Manager!

Um, I-I want to be bussed,
and my busser isn't bussing me!

- RILEY: Stop!
- And I really would like some bussy action!

Stop. You are going to get me fired.

Also, Nathan needs you, by the way.

You have a weird expression
on your face.

Who are you texting?

Do you remember Pablo,
from the aquarium?

Mm. Yeah, I don't remember him,

but I remember this really big stain

- that he left on your shirt.
- Stop. Oh, my God.

You suck. Bo, leave him.

[GASPS] How dare you talk
to my boyfriend like that?

Come with me to the bathroom.

♪♪

♪♪

ICONIQUE: Ohh, my God. I should
not have had that third vodka soda,

'cause now I gotta untuck.

SIN D CRAWFORD: By the way,
do you know what a good

variable rate mortgage is right now?

No, sorry. Ow, f*ck!

- I triple-taped.
- Okay, oh, my God.

Speaking of, Tequila's tuck
is looking mea-tee tonight.

- Oh. [URINATING] Yeah, it is, girl.
- Hello.

Has the lighting in here
always been this bad, dude?

No, girl, that's just your makeup.

Okay. Oh. Hello.

Looks like we have
a little company in here.

You charging admission in there, boys?

- I'm already untucked.
- Mm, come on.

- I got a dollar under my titties.
- Room in there for four?

Oh, my God. That was so embarrassing.

- Hi. Hi. Hi.
- You were being so loud.

Uh, hi. Hi.

Um, I'm... I'm so sorry.
I-Is there any way

I could talk to you
privately for a sec?

- Now?
- Please?

I can go find us a table.

- Okay.
- Quite a show, boys.

- Go.
- Okay.

Bye, boyfriend.

So, I-I'm super sorry,
but long story short,

I-I was supposed to do this, like,

mother-son date night thing tonight.

- Oh, my God.
- I know.

And I-I was so creeped out and annoyed,

so I-I dared her to come tonight, um,

and I really didn't think
she was actually going to,

- but she did.
- Mm-hmm.

So, you... you see the problem?

Mm-hmm.

And... And I-I-I don't need you
to be all, like...

like, touchy with me necessarily.

I mean, maybe a little bit.

It's just, I-I feel like
if you're, like,

really touchy with him,
it'll just look weird.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, gosh. She's here.

- I'll talk to Bo.
- Oh, my God.

I will literally buy you gas,

give you hand massages,
whatever you want.

Uh-huh.

♪♪

Hi.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Uh... everything cool?

Uh, yes.

I mean...

yes.

[CHUCKLES] I love it here.

I'm so excited.

Um...

Okay, so no big deal, but...

So...

Ahh. Okay.

So, basically, um, Nathan's mom

was being really shitty
about him being bi,

so he kinda said that
he was dating someone

to, like, mess with her sort of,

and then that person sort of became me.

Wait, what?

Yeah, it's so no big deal, seriously.

Like, he just wanted to mess with her,

and I was just, like,
being a good friend and...

Yeah. Okay, yeah. Yeah.

Um... but what... what do you mean?

Like, at first, it was just, like, a...

Thank you. At first,
it was just, like, a,

"Oh, could you put your arm
around me kinda type thing?"

And... And then it sorta kept going,

but it's literally nothing.

Also, it was after you and I
had our really bad first date,

you know, before we were
together, so...

Oh.

Except, um [SIGHS]

we just found out that
Nathan's mom is coming tonight.

Oh.

So, it would be weird
if we didn't, like,

pretend in front of her.

Wait, so... so this is still happening?

Sort of?

And, um...

how do you pretend?

Usually, um, I pick him up
so his mom sees,

or we take a picture together
or something.

And, like, once, I kissed him
in front of his mom,

but, like... again,

that was, like, the night
of our terrible date, so...

So, you left our bad date

and then went on a
fake date with Nathan?

No. No. No, we...
we weren't fake-dating yet.

That... That was just,
like, when it started.

But that's when you kissed him?

Um... I went home, and I wanted to die.

I need you to know, like,
I feel nothing for Nathan.

Trust me. Like,
h... he's all in with me,

but I do not feel that way at all.

♪♪

So... you know he's sort of...
in love with you,

but you're just pretending
to be in love with him?

No.

I mean, like, it was his idea.

Like, he told me it wouldn't
be weird for him.

Like, I... You know? Like,
I was just being a good friend.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like this is... I'm sorry.

- Like, this is sounding like a bigger deal than it is.
- No, it's f... It's fine. No, it's...

- It's really not that big of a deal.
- Hi. Hi. I'm... I'm super sorry.

This is, like, so weird.

- No.
- Um, it's just that she's coming in.

So...

Maybe we need to forget
the whole thing.

What? Really?

Uh, no. It's... It's... It's fine.

Just, like, put your...
arm around him or whatever.

Thank you.

♪♪

MEGAN: Hi, there.

Hi, Mrs. Stewart, Mr. Stewart.
Nice to see you both.

- [DRUMROLL]
- ANA: Let's start with a karaoke.

First victim... Megan.

Yes! Whoo!

Our first karaoke victim... Megan.

Where is Megan? Megan?

[DRUMROLL]

Megan. Megan.

[RIM sh*t, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I just want to say that I...

shouldn't have done that.

Like, I get it now.
I should've told you.

But, also, I need you to know
that, like,

he does not matter to me at all.

I mean, he is pretty great,
so m-maybe you...

I don't love him. I love you.

MEGAN: To my son, Nathan,

I want you to know love is complicated.

Okay.

Oh, thank God.

I know this one.

[APPLAUSE, LIGHT CHEERING]

♪ Listen as your day unfolds ♪

♪ Challenge what the future holds ♪

♪ Try and keep your head
up to the sky ♪

♪ Lovers, they may cause you tears ♪

♪ Go ahead, release your fears ♪

♪ Stand up and be counted ♪

♪ Don't be ashamed to cry ♪

♪ You gotta be ♪

♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold ♪

♪ You gotta be wiser ♪

♪ You gotta be hard,
you gotta be tough ♪

♪ You gotta be stronger ♪

♪ You gotta be calm,
you gotta stay cool ♪

♪ You gotta stay together ♪

♪ All I know, all I know
is love will save the day ♪

♪ Herald what your mother said ♪

♪ Read the books your father read ♪

♪ Try to solve the puzzles
in your own way ♪

♪ Some may have more cash than you ♪

♪ Others take a different view ♪

♪ My, oh, my ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold ♪

♪ You gotta be wiser ♪

♪ You gotta be tough,
you gotta be strong ♪

♪ You gotta be stronger ♪

♪ You gotta be cool,
you gotta be calm ♪

♪ You gotta stay together ♪

♪ All I know, all I know,
love will save the day ♪

♪ Time asks no questions,
it goes on without you ♪

♪ Leaving you behind
if you can't stand the pace ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ You can't stop it if you tried to ♪

♪ The best part is
danger staring you in... ♪

♪ In the face ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪

♪ Remember, listen
as your day unfolds ♪

♪ Challenge what the future holds ♪

♪ Try to keep your head up to the sky ♪

♪ Lovers, they may cause you tears ♪

♪ Go ahead, release your fears ♪

♪ My, oh, my ♪

[SNIFFS] ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ You gotta be bold,
you gotta be tough ♪

♪ You gotta be wiser ♪

♪ You gotta be hard,
you gotta be strong ♪

♪ You gotta be stronger ♪

♪ You gotta be cool,
you gotta be calm ♪

♪ You gotta stay together ♪

♪ All I know, all I know
is love will save the day ♪

♪ Hey ♪