01x06 - Creekwood Nights

[bunniefuu]

- [BELL RINGS]
- VICTOR: Simon, I have big news.

Mia and I are officially
in a relationship.

["I RLY RLY LIKE U" BY
BABY BULLDOG PLAYING]

♪ Butterflies in my chest ♪

[PHONE BLOOPS, THEN BUZZES]

[LAUGHS]

♪ Been a while since I had a guest ♪

♪ Now you're feelin' on
me, feelin' feelin' on me ♪

[LAUGHING]

VICTOR: She's basically my
favorite person to hang out with.

And my family loves her, too.

[ALL LAUGHING]

And I know what you're gonna ask
me, so I'll save you the trouble.

The physical stuff is actually awesome.

Mia's lips are mad soft,

and she wears this lip gloss
that tastes like blue raspberry,

which is my favorite flavor of Gatorade.

♪ I really really like you ♪

Not here.

There's too many people. Don't
want to rub it in their faces.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Yeah, Simon. Everything's great. I
don't know what I was so scared of.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Waiting for the time ♪

♪ Waiting for the place ♪

♪ And I, I, I ♪

♪ I, I need ♪

♪ Somebody to tell
me it'll be all right ♪

♪ Somebody to tell
me it'll be just fine ♪

♪ If someone has been there
before, say it right now ♪

♪ 'Cause I just need to hear it ♪

MS. THOMAS: The vag*na.

Some of you have them.

Some of you have seen them,

and some of you have only heard stories.

You know, I have that same
poster in my bedroom.

[CLASS LAUGHING SOFTLY]

Don't test me today, Andrew.
Okay? I'm intermittent fasting.

Uh, everybody, take a
worksheet. Fill out all the parts.

And, uh, don't ask me how to spell

Fallopian tube, because I don't know.

I guess you and Victor are probably

doing a lot of sex ed these days, right?

Could you grow up, Andrew?

Sorry.

Just be over here. Working on my vag*na.

LAKE: What was that?

What do you mean?

Okay, fine.

Uh, it's just that Victor
likes to take things slow.

- Hmm.
- Like, really, really slow.

- Wait, how far have you guys gone?
- We've kissed.

- With tongue?
- Of course.

Okay. Our tongues have
definitely... grazed.

Hmm. Is he a virgin?

I don't know. Probably.

- But you're ready.
- I think so.

I definitely want to take things
to the next level. Or any level.

We've kind of been stuck on the ground.

- God, and I really like him.
- Mm.

Two virgins about to
make passionate love.

It's like a Shakespeare movie.

Okay, so the first thing
you need to do is just

send him a sexy message or two.

I'm just saying, sometimes you have to

show a guy that you're
open to their advances.

[WITH FRENCH ACCENT] Par example...

You posted that about yourself?

Yeah, but under my
pseudonym: "Jackie St. Boon".

Okay, isn't that a little desperate?

I'm just throwing some chum in the water

and waiting for the sharks to come.

Sorry, I just saw Jaws.

It's not as good at
Meters Down, but it's solid.

"Was I lovable once? Really?

"Was I ever lovable?

"I'm asking if you found me...

- "lovable at one stage?
- [PHONE VIBRATES]

"Well, I admit it is a teaser

and you've done more
than your bit already

- for the time being, so just..."
- What on Earth?

I have no idea.

I think her husband was named Willy

or something and trapped her in a box.

No, not the monologue. Mia.

WENDY: "Just to know
that you are there..."

"I miss your muscular legs".

[LAUGHING] Holy cow, she wants you bad.

TEACHER: Shh!

[MONOLOGUE CONTINUES]

What should I write back?

I don't know. Nobody's
ever missed my legs before.

[PHONE BUZZING]

He thumbsed-up my text.

Wait. That's what you wrote?

Let Mama Lake take it from here.

- Lake, come on.
- Do not rush me. I am an artist.

[MIA SIGHS HEAVILY]

[TAPPING ON PHONE]

[EXHALES]

- [PHONE BLOOPS]
- There. Done. You're welcome.

Lake!

[PHONE VIBRATES]

WENDY: "But something
tells me, do not..."

Whoa!

Looks like somebody's gonna be
dancing the midnight macarena.

I don't think so. I think she
just invited me to her house

with a whole bunch of emojis?

Either she's gonna be making
you eggplant parmesan,

or you're getting lucky this Friday.

WENDY: "And do not overdo the bag..."

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

Latte art.

Remind you of anyone?

Steve Harvey?

It's Derek.

Oh! Yeah, I see it now.

Friday is our one year anniversary.

We're supposed to go see his
friend's band downtown, but...

I want to do something romantic for him.

Where'd you go for your first date?

We got spaghetti and meatballs
at this corny Italian place.

The food was good,

but it ended up getting shut
down by the health department.

God, I love meatballs.
So ugly. So delicious.

[LAUGHS]

Okay.

Maybe, I mean, this is a little cheesy,

but you could recreate your first date.

You could have your
own Italian restaurant,

but just you and Derek.

I could do it here after we close.

Light some candles, put on
some Italian accordion music.

Yeah.

Wow, Victor. Who knew
you were such a romantic?

Mia is a lucky lady.

Yeah. She's the luckiest.

Okay, why'd you just do your
uncomfortable scrunch face

when you said that?

Okay, I'm hanging out
with Mia on Friday.

You don't sound excited.

I think Mia wants to take
things to the next level,

and I'm... you know.

Oh.

You're a virgin.

That's fine. You've just gotta relax.

If I can have sex with
girls, anybody can.

Wait, you... But you're...

Gay?

I know.

This was back when I
was figuring things out.

Turns out human sexuality
is less of a straight line,

and more of a Cirque du Soleil show.

Long, confusing,

and full of sexy clowns.

Yep.

[MIA SIGHS]

Ooh, girl, you are serving me up

some sexy Professor McGonagall realness,

and I am here for it.

You mean I look like Maggie Smith?

[GROANS] Changing.

What? No! It's perfect!
You look all hot and witchy.

Hmm. Why does my room
smell like sunscreen?

Uh, that is a scented candle.

Feuille de Lavande by Diptyque.

Plus, I blasted your throw cushions

with body spray just for good measure.

Hmm.

You know, it's totally
okay to be nervous.

I mean, tonight's your first
time. That's a really big deal.

I mean, it is your first time, right?

[SCOFFS] Oh, my God.
I am your best friend.

Why didn't you tell me?
You tell me everything.

Because it was a one-time thing,

and it was too soon,

and awkward, and a total mistake.

Hmm. Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

It's fine. I get it.

But who was it?

Just some random other
counselor at camp.

Mm. Wow. Well, the most exciting thing

that happened to me at summer camp

was when I accidentally bumped
a beehive with my selfie stick.

But then they evacuated us to the
Marriott. Mm, thank you, bees.

[LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

[PHONE BEEPS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Well, don't you look like a man

whose life's about to be forever changed

by the touch of a good woman.

Guess so. [CHUCKLES]

What's that?

You've never played "Settlers of Catan"?

Oh, it's awesome. Me and my mom
throw down every Friday night.

- Sounds like fun.
- It is.

And not filled with a crippling
pressure to perform.

Hey. Good luck tonight, buddy.

- You're gonna do great.
- Thanks.

Hey, Felix. Uh, wait up.

[SIGHS] Okay, relax. You look amazing.

And if Victor doesn't hook up with you,

- I will.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Yeah, I really wish you'd stop
offering that. [CHUCKLES]

[GROANS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Twist. And not the cool
M. Night Shyamalan kind.

[IMITATES BUGLE CALL]

FELIX: Who's ready to take a journey

to the island of Catan?

DEREK: Okay, but just,
whatever is it, make it quick,

'cause I don't want to
be late to the show.

Shh. Just stop talking, okay?

- Okay.
- All right. Keep your eyes closed.

Okay.

Giving me major serial
k*ller vibes right now.

Okay. You can open.

Welcome to "Trattoria di Benji".

[SOFT ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoa.

And if you want to get a lot of points,

you need to make sure to
upgrade your settlements,

your cities, and your roads.

All right. So, next...

Hey.

FELIX: This is something
a little unorthodox...

I'm sorry about this.

I tried to shake him, but
he didn't get the hint.

You look nice.

FELIX: So each type of terrain
produces a different resource.

So forests make lumber,

um, fields make grain, and of
course, mountains, they make...

...ore.

If I...

Okay, this is the most
bored I have ever been.

And I'm including that time you
tricked me into listening to a podcast.

That would make it my
tenth victory point,

and crown me King of Catan.

[GULPING]

- Ah. All right.
- [CLAPS, RUBS HANDS]

Who's ready to start playing?

Wait, we haven't started?

What have we been doing
for the last minutes?

A tutorial.

[SCREAMS]

Okay. Uh, you guys start without me.

I'll come with.

♪ ♪

Operation No Hanky-Panky
seems to be going pretty well,

- don't you say?
- Yeah.

Hey, look, Felix, I
appreciate you doing this,

but Mia's definitely pissed.

So? Let her be pissed.

All right? If you're not
ready, you're not ready.

Your body, your choice.

Yeah, I, I think I'm gonna
go and check on Mia.

All right. But don't take too long.

Don't know if I can trust myself
around all these wheat cards.

Okay.

[ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

So, do you like it?

Spaghetti and meatballs, like we
had on our first date. Remember?

Mm. Mm-hmm. It's great.

But shouldn't we head to the show soon?

The opener are these two blind sisters

who do bluegrass covers of TLC songs.

I mean, it's supposed to be awesome.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Sounds really cool, but I thought
maybe we could skip the show tonight.

You know, since it's our first
anniversary and everything.

[LAUGHS] Anniversary?

What, are we straight people now?

Oh. Sorry.

I didn't mean, like...

I just don't really know if
I believe in all that stuff.

What stuff? Anniversaries?

Stuff that society tells us to want
just 'cause straight people do.

Like, one of the best things
about being gay is that

we don't have to conform
to that hetero-normative,

rom-com bullshit that is
dreamt up by corporations

to help sell greeting cards to morons.

[EXHALES]

Well...

...guess I'm one of those morons.

Hey.

I didn't mean...

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

- I'm sorry.
- I...

I'm a d*ck, and these
meatballs are really great.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Sorry.

Hey, do you think it would be cool
if we caught the end of the show?

You know what? Yeah, you
go ahead. I'll meet you there.

I gotta clean up first.

Okay.

Hey. [KISSES] You're the best.

- Have a good time.
- Thank you.

- Hey, Ty, I'm on my way.
- [DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

Hey. Um... where's Mia?

In her bedroom. Being furious.

She planned this whole special
night for the two of you.

And then you brought your weird
friend and screwed it all up.

I just don't get it.
Do you not like her?

Is there someone else?
Are you gay? What is it?

I do like her.

'Kay. Well then, start acting like it.

Because this crap that
you're pulling here tonight,

it's just cruel.

♪ ♪

Oh, hey. I was about to
come back downstairs...

♪ ♪

- [LAKE SIGHS]
- Wanna watch Planet Earth with me?

Nope. I already ordered my Lyft.

Elang should be here in nine minutes.

You should probably go, too.

I don't think they'll be
down for quite some time.

What the hell?

- What? What happened? Is Elang okay?
- No. Look.

You, uh, you look amazing.

No, not the photo, idiot. The comments.

They called me a six. A six!

[SCOFFS] I am at least a low nine.

Well, you're a boy.

Tell me the truth.

Mm. What's my number?

N... No. No way. I, I can't do that.

I...

Okay, stop with the chivalry
and just give me a number,

and do not tell me I'm a ,
because I totally won't believe you.

I...

I think you deserve a guy who...

who doesn't reduce you to a number.

[SIGHS]

Somebody like, um...

Like him.

NARRATOR: Approximately
/ th the size...

I deserve to date a nub?

Okay, so he's not Brad Pitt.

And technically he
doesn't have any eyes.

But angler fish are total romantics.

That fish only cares about
one thing in the entire world.

Her.

He spends most of his life
sniffing around the ocean

looking for his mate, and
when he finally finds her,

you know what he does?

Tells her a long, boring story?

He bites her,

and releases this enzyme in his saliva

that fuses them together like superglue.

Then he dies, and becomes
a part of her body,

and she swims away, never
thinking about him again, but...

he doesn't mind.

Because he got what he always wanted.

To be with her. Forever.

That's what you deserve, Lake.

A guy who would sacrifice everything,

because he knows that the only thing

that matters in this entire world...

...is you.

You are so weird.

[FELIX EXHALES]

Um, do you wanna, um, sit down?

This hard wall is starting to
hurt my head. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Uh...

I'm sorry. I just, I just need a minute.

- [DOOR SHUTS]
- Okay.

[EXHALES]

[SNIFFS]

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

Hey. Sorry, I was just...

Okay, what's going on with you?

Is it me? Am I not attractive
to you, or whatever?

No, no. Mia...

Look, you're beautiful.

You're like, one of the
prettiest girls I've ever seen.

Then what is it?

What's wrong?

Truth is...

I'm...

...not ready.

I don't know. Maybe out here,
sex isn't, like, a big deal, but...

...back where I'm from,

we're more old-fashioned.

Victor, it's fine.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I didn't want you to
think I was a loser.

I would never think you're a loser.

We can totally go slow.

It's getting pretty late.
I should probably go.

Okay.

Uh, Victor?

There's nothing else, right?

No.

VICTOR: Dear Simon,

I really do like Mia,

but what if that isn't enough?

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

[WHISPERS] Okay.

- How'd you get so good at this?
- YouTube.

Oh.

No. No hickeys.

No one can know about this.
This has to stay our little secret.

Well, three can keep a secret
if two of them are dead.

What?

Sorry. Benjamin Franklin
quote. I, I won't tell anyone.

- Yeah. No more talking.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh.

[PHONE DINGS]

SIMON: Hey, Victor. I
know you really like Mia,

and you've been trying to figure
out if you're attracted to her.

It sounds like tonight, you
realized that you're not,

and that's okay.

But maybe it's time for you to
really figure out what you want.

Before someone gets hurt.

♪ ♪

[DOOR OPENS]

What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same thing.

How did "Trattoria di Benji" go?

Fine.

So, how was your big date?

Not much to tell.

- Working on your latte art?
- Yep.

I think I might actually
be getting better.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

You wanna try?

- Yeah.
- The trick is to pour quickly.

What do you want to make?

How about...

...a meatball?

- So ugly, but so delicious.
- [BOTH LAUGH SOFTLY]

Okay.

All right. Start there, and
then pour it in the center.

That's it. There you go.

["NOSTALGIC" BY ARIZONA PLAYING]

Yep. You got it. That looks
like a meatball to me.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ Strangely you and I ♪

♪ Cross the finish line ♪

♪ But big hearts move
slow, get left behind ♪

♪ Lying next to someone else, oh ♪

♪ But sometimes I still remember
what you said and how it felt ♪

♪ Okay, fine, maybe I'm
just a little nostalgic ♪

♪ 'Cause the memories are flooding
my mind, baby I can't stop it ♪

♪ I know I said I wouldn't call
but I'm breaking my promise ♪

♪ 'Cause the memories are flooding
my mind, baby I can't stop it ♪

♪ Oh I can't stop it ♪

♪ Oh oh, oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh, oh oh ♪

♪ Oh I can't stop it ♪

♪ Oh oh, oh oh ♪

♪ Okay, fine, maybe I'm
just a little nostalgic ♪

♪ Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh ♪

♪ 'Cause the memories are flooding
my mind and I can't stop it ♪

♪ Oh oh, oh oh, I know I said I
wouldn't call but I broke my promise ♪

♪ I can't stop ♪

♪ Oh I can't... ♪