01x15 - First Friend

Episode transcripts for the TV show "K.C. Undercover". Aired: January 2015 to February 2018.*
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A high-school math whiz trains to be an undercover spy.
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01x15 - First Friend

Post by bunniefuu »

Good news, KC.

I'm up.

Good, because you've been accepted
to the University of Maryland.

What? I got into college? Are you serious?

Yes, yes! I don't remember applying.

Wait. How long was I napping for?

It's for a mission.

This is so great.

I get to go to college and be with
other mature, sophisticated people

who actually take their
education seriously.

Plus, I'm not gonna need
a hall pass to tinkle.

Actually, you're going
undercover as a total party girl

so you can bond with Eliza Montgomery.

Wait. The Eliza Montgomery?

The president's daughter?

The West Wing wild child?

Man, her dad may be able to pass a bill,

but that girl can't even pass a class.

Which is why this is her
third college in two years.

Yep, she's notorious for ditching
her Secret Service agents.

Your assignment is to become her
best friend, and keep an eye on her.

The big guy himself chose
you for this mission.

The big guy?

I have an assignment from the president?

Commander-in-chief?
POTUS?

No. Stanley.

The big guy who's the
head of Secret Service.

Like the president knows you exist.

♪ Oh, when danger comes for you ♪

♪ You know I'll stand beside you ♪

♪ 'Cause ain't nobody
keep things hustle cool ♪

♪ I'll always find a way,
a way out of the fire ♪

♪ Don't tell nobody, tell nobody ♪

♪ I'm not perfect ♪

♪ So many things I wanna tell you ♪

♪ But I, I, I, I keep it undercover ♪

♪ Livin' my life, no way to learn ♪

♪ Doin' my thing, gonna make it work ♪

♪ Know I'm the realest,
baby, I'm fearless ♪

♪ But I always got your back ♪

♪ Nobody can do it like I can ♪

♪ I gotta find out who I am ♪

♪ Ain't got to worry about me ♪

♪ It's all part of the plan ♪

I keep it undercover.

I keep it undercover.

I'll be back for you in a couple of years.

My peeps.

My assignment.

Relax, tuna breath. I'm getting a book.

Uh, dude, you dropped your class schedule.

Oh, thanks. Now I know exactly
what classes I'm not going to.

- Harper Wyatt.
- Eliza Montgomery.

Dude, you look really familiar.

Are you internet famous?

No. My dad is kinda the president.

Eh, that's cool.

Hey, uh, could you do me a favor

and tell him to stop with that
whole Daylight Savings thing.

It was, like four months ago,
and I'm still half-asleep.

(Chuckles) You're funny.

Hey, you wanna get outta here
and actually do something fun?

I would, but I've got
Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dumber.

Hey, you should check
out this research book.

I can get you out of here
without them even noticing.

Dude, if you can sneak me
out, you're my new best friend.

(Whispers) Just go right there. Thank you.

Yes!

All right, it's time
for us to hit the books.

Hot! Hot, hot, hot. Woo-hoo!

Barista, another round.

This is the best coffee I've ever had,
except it's not coffee, it's espresso.

I wonder why they call it espresso.

Maybe because it's espresso right
to your head. Am I still talking?

Harper, you have had
coffee before, haven't you?

Yeah. Girl, many, many, many,
many, many, many, many times.

Well, many, many, many many, many thanks
for busting me out of that library.

They never let me do what I want.

One time, I dyed my hair blue,

and they acted like I ran
naked through the Kremlin.

Which I did once, but that's not the point.

Yeah, well, one time, I went topless
to Bobby McAllister's birthday party.

We were three, but... people still talked.

It can't be that bad being
the First Daughter, right?

I've been doing this since I was .

I mean, can you imagine all that
responsibility when you're a teenager?

Yes!

I mean, no. No.

I mean, I'm listening.

Everyone expects me to be
perfect, but it's impossible,

especially when they give
you horrible nicknames

like the "West Wing wild child."

What?

I have never heard that one.

People can be so mean.

Oh, be right back.

Gonna hit the First Girls' room.

Mom. Mom, Mom, Mom.

I am freaking out.

I accidentally had a little bit of
espresso because I had to keep my cover,

and I know it's bad for
teenagers, but I'm sorry.

KC, take a look at the barista.

It was herbal tea, baby.

Ahem. I knew that.

Hello, boys.

Look, I know everybody
loves Judy, but I'm busy.

First of all, not everybody loves Judy.

I do.

Yeah. Me, too.

But we're here to see Ernie.

Ernie!

Ernie!

Gentlemen.

Looking sharp as cheddar cheese.

Really? Was there a "buy one, get two free"

at the tacky khaki store?

We're Adventure Scouts.

And I'm their new leader.

You can tell because of my
impressive shoulder tassels.

Sounds stupid. Tell me more.

We earn badges for doing survival stuff.

Sounds even stupider. I'm in.

Sorry. It's against the rules.

Adventure Scouts is for boys only.

And you're a girl.

I'm no girl. I'm a ro...

Lady. A ro-lady who
deserves your ro-spect,

and to be in any ro-group that you're in.

Good ro-covery.

Hey, girl.

Aren't you in my Intro to Econ class?

Uh, no. My class starts at : .

I believe yours started in .

Are you kidding me with that outfit?

What? I think I look cute.

So, um... how's it going
with the First Brat?

Mom, don't call her that.
She's actually really nice,

and a lot smarter than she lets on.

I think I can help her.

Aw, come here.

Arm's length.

What?

That's the distance
you need to keep her at.

KC, your job is to protect
her, not change her.

Why can't I protect her and help
her be the best person she can be?

Because it never works.

And getting too close can mess them up.

Look, now... your daddy
don't need to know this.

When I was once assigned
to protect George Clooney,

I started to like him as a friend,
and he developed... feelings.

For you?

Yes, for me.

Don't sound so surprised.

Uh, I'm sorry.

Are we talking about, like, George Clooney?

The incredibly handsome actor?

That George Clooney?

Yes, that George Clooney.

And not to pat myself on the back,

but there's a reason it took
him so long to get married.

He wasn't waiting.

He was healing.

The movie star George Clooney?

Just keep your distance.
Arm's length, missy.

- George Clooney?!
- (Kira) I heard that.

Hey.

What are you doing here? I thought
you had diverticumentatitis.

Marisa, I made it up to get out of school

because I have a mission.
There's no such thing.

Sh! Not so loud.

I'm planning on catching it
from you and taking tomorrow off.

So what kind of mission are you on?

The secret kind.

Come on, give me something.

Okay, fine.

Um, I'm undercover as a college student
at the University of Maryland.

Oh, that's not fair. I
wanna go to college, too.

Then, Marisa, you might
want to start studying.

Come on, Kace, why
can't I do this with you?

Marisa, because you're not a spy.

Spies have to think on their feet,

improvise, they have to
have physical stamina.

You just don't have what it takes.

Oh, hey, Mr. T.

You are probably wondering why KC is here,

even though she has diverticumentatitis.

Well, she woke up, got dressed, came here,

and didn't even know she was doing it.

Sad, I know, but don't worry.

I will take her home and
get her right into bed.

Even though it is very contagious.

Wait. This isn't my bathroom.

Don't have what it takes, huh?

Extra-bold dark roast.

The beans are fermented in
elephant poop for an extra kick.

Ooh, goody. Kick me.

Ooh, check out that cutie over there.

Harper, you and I have very
different taste in guys.

Mm, yummy. Good.

Ugh, not again.

No, Eliza. Chill.

You do realize that your dad is the
president of the United States, right?

Who cares? He doesn't give
elephant's poo about me.

Besides, Eliza Montgomery
loves the media attention.

Haven't you heard?

You do like the attention, but I think
you might want it from your dad.

Right. Yeah.

Like my dad knows I exist.

He's so busy running the country,

that I am the last thing
he even thinks about...

which is why I act out
to get his attention.

Okay, you might have a point.

Look, your dad has seen
you sneak out to parties,

he's seen you fail out of schools,
and ditch your Secret Service,

but you know what he hasn't seen you do?

Get an "A."

That would totally freak him out.

I'd be all, like, "You
don't know me, Pops."

I got mad study skills."

Except I totally don't, dude.

I will totally help you study, dude.

- Really, dude?
- Really, dude.

- Dude!
- Dude.

Too bad the library isn't open now.

We snuck out. We can sneak back in.

(Both) Dude!

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Nice to see you, too. Who's this?

Oh, this is Eliza. Eliza,
this is my friend... Clarisa.

My name is Clarisa.

- And any friend of...
- Harper's.

...is a friend of mine.

Oh, this is my jam.

Uh, how'd you find us, Clarisa?

I could find any party.

Two words: Party dar.

Well, dar is not a word.

And party-dar isn't either.

You know what, I've heard of party-dar,
but I didn't know it was real.

Oh, it's real, and I got it.

Okay, well, we're gonna go study.

Oh, forget that. I wanna
hang with party-dar.

Can I borrow Clarisa?

What are you doing?

It's a blend of the
cabbage patch and the robot.

I know it's a little old school,
but that is how Clarisa rolls.

Look, I cannot be distracted.

I gotta keep my eyes on Eliza.

What's so special about her anyway?

Okay, party-dar, clearly you
don't have a current events-dar.

She's the First Daughter.

In her family to go to college?

Of the United States.

She's the first daughter in the
United States to go to college?

I don't think so.

No, Clarisa.

She is the First Daughter.

The president's daughter.

- Oh.
- If you'll excuse me, I gotta...

Oh, no.

Whoo! Hey! All right!

Time to earn your archery badge.

Just line that baby up, pull
back your bow, and let her rip.

Oh, Slippy, that's not what I meant.

Now you know why they call him Slippy.


The backyard's not the
only thing he's stinkin' up.

Check out this knot he tied.

Not bad, not bad.

Not good.

What do you think of my tent, Ernie?

Ta-da!

Close enough.

Here's your "good effort" badge.

Maybe you should give this guy

a "you're never going to survive
a night in the wilderness" badge.

Judy, what's your problem?

Your troop is a joke.

You're wasting everyone's time because
you're not even following the rules

as outlined in the Adventure Scouts book.

There's a book?

Well, thank you for pointing that out.

You're no longer banned from the
Adventure Scouts for being a girl.

- Thank you.
- You're now banned because you're a bummer.

It's true, Judy. You ruined it.

Yeah. You're no fun.

Sweetie.

What did I tell you about
hanging out with Eliza?

Maybe I should've told
you that she was a library,

or good decision-making,
or perhaps punctuality.

- Not following.
- Things you avoid.

Marisa, this is not about
making friends, okay?

The only reason why I'm
hanging out with Eliza

is because my assignment is
to keep her out of trouble.

Really?

Good to know.

So I'm just an assignment.
You're not really my friend?

You were just lying to me the whole time?

No. No, no, no, no.

Just a little bit in the beginning.

And then, somewhere in the middle.

And then, more recently, at the end.

Yes, I've been lying to you.

And I guess I was just
your assignment, too.

Oh, no, I never do my assignments.

I just thought this would be fun.

Well, it wasn't fun for me.

At least when it's the Secret Service,

I know they have my back,
and not stabbing me in it.

Come on, guys.

I would love to stay and chat,

but I think I'm coming down
with diverticumentatitis.

I made it up.

Hey, where you been?

Out with my assignment,
Eliza, keeping an eye on her,

and my arms a length away.

And the truth.

Even further away.

What are you talking about?

We know you blew your cover.

Why would you think that?

'Cause the big guy called
and said you blew your cover.

Man, that Stanley's got a big mouth.

Wasn't Stanley this time.

The president?

The
commander-in-chief?

POTUS?

He does know I exist.

No, it was Roger, Stanley's boss.

Would you get over yourself?

- How could you let that happen?
- I messed up.

It was one time. It's not
like you never messed up.

George Clooney.

What about George Clooney?

Nothing. She's just deflecting
the fact that she messed up.

Look, I did, okay? I'm sorry,

and I really, really need
to apologize to Eliza.

No, KC, I told you.

She's not your friend,
she's your assignment.

Well, she was. You're
no longer on the mission.

- Wait, but I...
- But nothing.

Let it go. Don't be a George Clooney.

What's all this talk about George Clooney?

Okay, fine. I'll let it go.

I don't know where to find her anyway.

Hey, Clarisa, it's Harper.

I'm gonna need your help.

It's KC.

One tailgate party.

Admit it. Not only do I have party-dar,
but I did help you in this mission,

and I would be a good spy.

Yeah, Marisa, could you
say that a little louder?

I don't think they heard you
at the University of China.

Whoa, whoa. There's a
better party across town.

Live band, age-appropriate drummer.

Clarisa out.

Hey.

Hey... what do you want?

Okay, look, I get why you're mad.

All right? But regardless
of what you think about me,

I really do care about you.

And promise me.

Just because I won't be
following you around anymore,

you're not gonna keep
ditching your Secret Service.

Why? Nothing's gonna happen to me.

Well, two guys with laser g*ns can sneak
up on you when you least expect it.

Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen.

It's happened.

Hey, Agent Craig.

Hey! I'm up.

I'm up.

Oh. Hey, Judy.

Agent Craig, I'm fun, aren't I?

Fun? You?

(Laughs)

Uh, define fun.

Something that provides mirth or amusement.

Well, then, no.

Absolutely not.

Not in the least bit.

And just to be clear, uh-uh.

Listen, you're smart, you're reliable,

you're a lot of things,
but fun ain't one of 'em.

Take that back or you'll be sorry.

I'm fun, I'm fun, I'm fun, I'm...

starting to realize those
boys have a good point.

You, you're coming with us, too.

You know, I would come with you guys,
but I don't wanna miss the game.

And the game is about to begin.

It's like I was saying.

You really shouldn't ditch your
Secret Service guys anymore.

Lesson learned.

Hey, look at that.

You really did learn
something at this college.

(Eliza screaming)

Eliza!

Harper!

Touchdown!

And now, the extra point.

And it's good.

Hey, get his other arm.

Looks like someone's got
some junk in their trunk.

I still got two tickets to the game.

You totally saved my life.

I don't know how to thank you, Harper.

Actually, it's KC.

Dude, what else have you
been lying to me about?

Well, I didn't lie to you
about actually liking you

and wanting to be your friend.

Thank you.

And I think there is so much more to you
than just some fun-loving party girl.

And that's what my dad and I sat
up most of the night talking about.

I think it's time for me to
get serious about my life.

(Cell phone rings)

Hello.

Yeah, actually, she's right here.

The big guy wants to talk to you.

(Clears throat)

Listen here, Stanley or Roger,
or whoever the heck you are.

I really don't appreciate you opening
your big mouth telling my parents...

Oh, my goodness.

It is an honor to talk
to you, Mr. President.

Commander-in-chief.

POTUS.

It's an honor to speak to you, KC.

(Man's voice) I wanna thank you
for your service to your country.

It is appreciated.

Okay, I was wrong. You are fun.

Ooh. Let's do one more.

This time, call Kira, and
pretend to be George Clooney.

Rob, your name's on TV.
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