Thanks, Byron, that was
actually really, really cool.
I've never been to the
Lincoln Memorial at night.
Well, I've never seen anyone
jump into Lincoln's lap
and take a selfie, so...
And I've never run
so fast from security.
But it was your idea
to play Truth or Dare.
I say we keep playing.
I dare you to go out
on another date with me.
Oh! I pick truth this time.
Fine. Tell the truth.
Do you want to go to the
movies with me tomorrow night?
I do, yeah. It's a date.
- Cool.
- Oh, uh, you have an eyelash.
You know what they
say, if you blow on it
and make a wish, then
your wish can come true.
- Oh, well...
- Oh-kay!
(Blows dramatically)
I wish you would leave my daughter alone
and go home.
You know, Mr. Cooper, you
shouldn't say your wish out loud,
'cause it might not come true.
And you shouldn't irritate
your date's father,
or you won't come back.
Oh, look at the time!
- Look at it!
- I'd better get going.
- Buh-bye. Buh-bye.
- Okay.
Buh-bye. Look at that!
My wish came true!
Hey! Ha ha!
Dad, come on, that was not cool.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I gotta
brief you on a mission.
Oh, what, is it Operation KC's
Never Gonna Have a Boyfriend?
Oh, that's an ongoing mission.
- It's going on...
- Ugh!
...and on till you're !
♪ Oh, when danger comes for you ♪
♪ You know I'll stand beside you ♪
♪ 'Cause ain't nobody
keep their head so cool ♪
♪ I'll always find a way,
a way out of the fire ♪
♪ Don't tell nobody, tell nobody ♪
♪ I'm not perfect ♪
♪ So many things I wanna tell you ♪
♪ But I, I, I, I
keep it undercover ♪
♪ Livin' my life, on red alert ♪
♪ Doin' my thing,
gonna make it work ♪
♪ Know I'm the realest,
baby, I'm fearless ♪
♪ But I always got your back ♪
♪ Nobody can do it like I can ♪
♪ I gotta find out who I am ♪
♪ Ain't got to worry about me ♪
♪ It's all part of the plan ♪
I keep it undercover.
I keep it undercover.
This is Henry Parker.
He donated $ million
to American University,
and they're renaming
the library in his honor.
There's been a bunch
of threats against him,
so you're going to the
ceremony to protect him.
Who would hate someone who
puts money towards a library?
(Scoffs) I hope it's not Marisa.
No, the threats were spelled correctly,
and there were no hearts over the I's.
Okay, so what am I supposed to do,
like, stand in the crowd
and keep an eye out on him?
Not exactly. You're gonna be
doing it from the drumline.
Okay, yeah, one problem.
I don't know how to drum.
Which is why they should've
given this assignment to me!
I was actually on the
drumline in college.
Pop! Wah!
I'm sorry. Wait a minute. Uh...
Dad, are you suggesting that you can
go undercover as a college student?
Well, I think I could pass for a senior.
- Pfft!
- Ha! A senior what,
a senior citizen?
Hey, come on.
Okay, okay, okay.
The Organization wants
you up front and center,
which means you have to
get the big drum solo,
and you're gonna do it with
these specialized drum sticks.
Oh! Thank you, DC!
You know, I got a real career with this.
- Well...
- Relax.
With these, any idiot
can drum like a pro.
- Aah! Ow!
- Okay.
Apparently not any idiot.
All right, everybody, we need to
practice for the library dedication
for some millionaire Henry
Parker dude, or something.
Look, I don't know.
I graduate in two weeks.
I am super checked out.
Um, all right, where's William?
We need to go over his solo.
Actually, William couldn't make it,
so I'm filling in for him.
I'm Cassandra Bailey
from the drumline at Georgetown.
What's wrong with William?
Something about his neck went out.
But it's cool.
He taught me his solo,
so I'm good to go.
All right. Everybody, this is Cassandra.
I guess she'll be
filling William's shoes.
Ah, actually, brought my own shoes.
Ringworm is no joke, people.
This is ridiculous!
So, a stranger walks in off the street,
and you're just going to hand her
the biggest drum solo of the year?
Look, man, I know you don't know me,
but I promise you, I got more beats
than a farmer's market.
Ha ha! You know, when
beets are in season.
(Rimshot)
Thank you.
Oh, and you know what I got?
The rulebook.
According to section five, subsection A
of the Drumline Charter Bylaws,
I hereby invoke my right to a drum-off!
- Come on, Elliot...
- I invoke!
- I invoke!
- All right.
All right, fine, if it'll shut you up.
Cassandra, Elliot, it's a drum-off!
Oh, ho! Cassandra, you got the solo!
But that's not fair!
It's okay, Elliot,
look, you can play the solo, too, okay?
Just "so low" nobody can hear you.
(Rimshot)
Thank you again.
(Mournful music on TV)
(Sniffling)
I don't know why they said
this was a chick flick.
There's a lot in it
for dudes to enjoy, too.
What're you doing?
Oh, um, I was watching a w*r movie,
The g*ns of, uh... what do you want?
- Where's KC?
- On a mission.
What? No! She's supposed to
help me with my college essay!
The deadline for the Fashion
Institute of Technology is in...
five hours.
Good thing you didn't
wait till the last minute.
Come on, this is not funny.
My essay needs to be
as strong as it can be.
All right, fine, I'll help you.
Oh, thank you.
"Dear Fashion Institute of Technology,
Please let me in.
Sincerely, Marisa Miller."
I'm bad, right?
No, not bad. Terrible.
This isn't an essay.
Plus, you spelled "Marisa" wrong.
Okay, whatever. I know it stinks.
I don't know what else to write about.
Try writing about your life.
Please, what am I supposed to say?
That I woke up a few
months before graduation
and realized that I'd
actually be good at design
because my designs are
really, really good,
That they should accept me
into this prestigious school,
despite the fact that I
failed most of my classes,
but it was only because I
didn't really care about them.
But I know I would
be a success at F.I.T.
because I'm actually
really passionate about this
and desperately want to learn
about fashion and design!
Yeah, that works.
You're right, it does!
Hey, get me one of
those wrighty thingies.
Uh, you mean a laptop?
Yeah, yeah, one of those.
Okay, now that you've
secured at prime spot
next to Parker at the
library renaming ceremony,
all you gotta do is protect him,
and (Mocking) pretend to play the drums.
Really, Dad? You're still on that?
Look, just being honest,
okay, you can not pass
for a college student anymore.
Maybe if I shaved a little...
Shaved off years?
I get it, KC, I'm older,
but I can still play.
There was a reason they called
me Sticks back in college.
Yeah, wasn't it because you
ate a lot of fried mozzarella?
Okay, there were two reasons.
You know what? I'm gonna make sure
all your surveillance
cameras are in place.
Maybe you should try bashing that drum
instead of your dear old dad.
Oh, uh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Excuse me. You can't be on the quad
without a proper wristband.
They didn't give me one,
but it's cool... I'm with the drumline.
Oh! Well, in that case, yeah,
let me just slap one on ya.
- Ahh...!
- Yeah, that's right.
I'm Barney Feffer, Campus
Security, Part-Time Division...
and you are under campus arrest.
- For what?
- Suspicion...
of being suspicious.
Okay, look, I think
you've made a mistake.
As I've said, see?
Check my visitor's pass.
Student of Georgetown,
Cassandra Bailey, right there.
No, you are a liar!
Because according to my research,
the only Cassandra Bailey
who ever attended Georgetown
d*ed in of the rickets.
Oh, you know, you look pretty good
for a -year-old
corpse.
Okay, look, you know what,
I should not be telling you this...
but I'm an undercover police officer
sent here to protect the rich guy
who gave all the money to the library.
Oh, that's interesting!
You don't look or feel like a rug,
so why you gotta lie like one?
Hmm, you know, you don't look
or feel like a security guard,
yet here we are!
I can prove it to you, okay?
I have these special drum
sticks in my backpack,
that were given to me
by the Police Advance
Technical Department,
Musical Division.
Do I look stupid to you?
You really want me to
answer that question?
No.
Just try them out, okay? They're
right there in my backpack.
Anyone who plays with
them can play like a pro.
Wow!
Oh, well, I mean, color me embarrassed.
I am so sorry, officer.
Yeah, it's no problem.
Yeah, hey, but I guess that means
that we're working the case together.
Oh, well, if by "working
the case together"
you mean going our separate ways
and pretending we never
met, then yeah, bingo!
No! No, no, no, no, no!
Please. This is my last sh*t
to become a full-time security officer.
I mean, right now, my
badge, it's just a sticker.
It's just a sticker...
Okay. Okay, okay, you know what,
um, how about you start
by securing the perimeter of the campus.
I am on it!
Attention all units!
Attention all units!
This is Part-Time
Security Officer Feffer
calling for a complete campus lockdown!
Okay, first, that is a
bit of an overreaction,
and secondly, that's not
connected to anything.
Oh! No wonder no one
ever answers me back.
I don't know.
I think it's perfect.
I would just probably add
a few of those things
that we talked about.
Right. Commas!
I'd say this is a great essay.
It's real, it's from the heart,
it's funny, and it's you.
The Fashion Institute's gonna love it.
Thank you so much, Ernie.
Honestly, like, I couldn't
have done this without you.
It was my pleasure.
(Both scream)
Oh, okay, yeah!
I'm gonna finish this one at home.
Good idea. Go home.
All right, I-I'll see you later.
- Okay.
- Bye.
(Both scream)
- I'm going now!
- Please do!
- Okay!
- Hey, wait, that's my laptop!
Okay...
All right, everybody, get in formation.
We're gonna start with the solos.
Wait, wait, wait, I
can't find my sticks.
Why don't you use mine?
You're taking everything else from me.
No, I have to use mine!
Um, 'cause that's gross.
I mean, would you use
somebody else's toothbrush?
Are you planning on
putting them in your mouth?
Maybe. You don't know my routine.
Start us off. Now.
One, two, three, four.
Five, six, seven, eight!
- Cassandra!
- What?
Does this group go
with, like, prime numbers
or something? If so, no problem.
Two, three, five, seven...
Would you please play?!
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Gotcha.
Here we go. Solo.
Ahem.
Maybe your drumming would sound better
if you did put the sticks in your mouth.
Okay, Elliot, relax.
It was just a warm-up,
just a little bit of a warm-up.
Let's get into this...
(Exhales)
(Whispers) Five, six,
seven. One, two, three.
Okay. Ahem! Mm!
Come on, Captain!
She's clearly choking!
Give me back my solo!
You got it, Elliot. You can go now.
Oh, man.
(Playing sarcastic coda)
You too, Cymbals?
Thought we were friends.
Oh, Officer Bailey! Officer Bailey!
Officer Bailey!
Shh! What? W-What? What is it?
I found something!
Well, clearly it
wasn't antiperspirant,
'cause you're drenched in sweat.
No, I found your... I found...
I found your... (Huffs)
Okay, I need you to stop
saying, "I found your,"
- and tell me what you found.
- I found your sticks.
Oh! My sticks! Okay, thank you.
Wait, were did you find these?
In that drummer guy Elliot's locker.
You know, he seemed suspicious to me,
so I invaded his privacy,
which I assumed was my right
when you deputized me.
Of course, no, no, no.
Elliot is the thr*at.
That's why he wanted the solo so bad.
He's trying to get close to
Parker at the dedication ceremony.
So, what do I do next?
Okay, listen carefully, all right?
Hold on.
Okay. I'm listening.
I want you to go...
Go.
...home.
Hom... Wait a minute!
It seems like you're
trying to get rid of me.
I want to help! I'm the one
who found the drum sticks.
Okay. Okay. I guess another
set of eyes couldn't hurt.
You get full clearance.
Yes! Full clearance. Oh!
I haven't been fully cleared
since the arson investigation.
Listen here, Barney,
don't make me rethink this.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- What do you want now?
I want my drum solo back.
Too late.
Yeah, well, I hereby invoke
section five, subsection A...
According to the amendment
bylaws enacted in ,
a formal petition must be presented
in advance, for a second drum-off.
Per the addendum to that amendment,
it clearly states that if there
are extenuating circumstances...
You don't know what
you're talking about!
Okay, enough! Enough!
Two weeks!
I have two weeks of school left,
and you're ruining it!
So you'll both just do the solo!
You'll both stand on
either side of Parker.
- Got it?
- Nuh, I got it.
Is that cool with you, Elliot?
Does it ruin your little plan?
My only plan is to drum my butt
off at Parker's dedication ceremony.
Don't get in my way.
I will be in your way...
except for the parts
where I choreographed
to be out of your way.
Then I won't be.
Or will I?
(Cell phone rings)
Um, hey Bryan.
Hey, KC!
I'm at this thing my dad dragged me to,
but I'll be free in time for our movie.
What movie?
The movie we said we
were going to tonight.
The movie I already bought tickets for!
Uh, right. Right, right, right.
Yeah, of course, that movie.
Um, about that. I can't go.
You're blowing me off?
No, no. I'm not blowing you off.
I'm just canceling at the last minute.
Okay, that is the very
definition of blowing someone off.
No, see, listen, you
didn't let me finish, okay?
I can't go tonight because
my grandma is not well.
Yeah, have you ever heard of acute
necrotizing ulcerative gingivitis?
Oh. No, I haven't.
Then that's what she has.
I-I am so sorry.
Go take care of your grandma.
- Thank you.
- I hope she feels better.
Thank you.
(No audible dialogue)
(Door opens)
Heyyy!
How's it going?
Uh, did you get your application in?
I did! I did! Thank you!
Thank you so much for your help.
It was my pleasure.
So we're not gonna talk
about what happened!
- Works for me.
- Oh, me too!
- See you later.
- Ah, see you.
(Both scream)
Okay, we clearly need to
talk about what's happening.
Um, what is going on?
I mean, I barely like you,
and I certainly don't
"like you, like you."
And I feel the same way
about you... times ten!
So what is going on here?
I don't know. I don't know.
Um, maybe it's because
you're really passionate
about going to this school,
and somehow that passion
spilled over into your appreciation?
Yes! Yes! My passion
spilled over into my appreciation,
and onto your lips!
That makes perfect sense.
- It was nothing!
- Less than nothing.
I'm so glad we cleared that up!
Me too!
(Cheering)
Congratulations to our benefactor
and to the man we're
celebrating here today,
Mr., uh, Henry Parker!
(Cheering)
And now, in a special salute,
the American University Drumline!
I know you stole my sticks
and put them in your locker.
What? What, locker, what
are you, in high school?
I don't have a locker.
Oh. Yeah, right, that makes sense.
Wait, if it wasn't you, then...
Barney Feffer.
Congratulations! I'm
giving you your solo back!
It was never yours to give!
Drumline sounds amazing.
Just wish we could see it better.
Ooh!
So, you played stupid and I fell for it.
Played stupid, or am stupid?
Either way, you fell for it.
Well, what's your beef with Parker?
It all started years
ago at this very university.
Parker and I were assigned
the same dorm room.
I distinctly called dibs
on the top bunk, but Parker!
Okay. Okay. I've lost interest.
Okay, I'm taking you in. Let's go.
Yeow!
Nice drum roll, Barney.
Oh, come on.
Well, look at that, Barney.
You just got upgraded
to maximum security.
Wow, Dad, that was amazing.
I'm so glad that we came.
KC? What are you doing here?
Rob, your name's on TV!