02x17 - On the Air

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, John Adams High.
After a -year absence,

we've dusted off the console
and put Patriot Radio

back on the air!

(gurgling)

- Wrong button.
- I should say so.

(♪ theme music)

And with me here, my engineer
and wacky side-kick

on the morning zoo,
Mr. Alvin Meese.

Thank you, Mr. Feeny,
you're a great friend to radio.

That's enough, Alvin.
Nobody likes a mike hog.

And now, because the halls of our
school b*at with the lively heart

of contemporary youth...
here is the happening sounds

of Mr. Michael Bolton.

(students screaming)

Ah! Make it stop!
Make it stop!

It's hard to cut the wires
with a plastic spoon.

Just rip the whole speaker down!

- Hey, guys. Try this Kn*fe.
- Thanks.

Huh!

Down.

Come on, guys. The station's
only been on five minutes.

Is it really that bad?

(Feeny) And now, a little change
of pace. A blast from my past...

this is Mr. Perry Como.

(♪ soft music)

Look, Mr. Turner, you clip the wires
and we'll cover for you.

You don't like what you hear?
Get on the air and do better.

- Us? On the radio?
- Yeah.

See if you can't squeeze it in
between doing nothing at school,

and nothing at home.

What are you saying?
We don't do anything?

- You know, we should think about that.
- I don't wanna.

No, Shawn, maybe he's got a point.

I mean, maybe if we
became radio personalities,

then we'd have... personalities.

I don't wanna do nothing.

Look, radio is just sitting around talking.

Like we are now?

Yeah. Maybe you have to push a button.

How hard?

Like this.

- Hm?
- Yeah.

Are you kidding me?!

- OK, we'll do it.
- We're naturals.

- I've got a radio voice.
- And I've got a radio face.

So when can you get us on the air?

If you guys are serious about this,
I'll talk to Feeny after lunch.

(Feeny) And now for you kiddos, Menudo.

(♪ Latin pop)

I'll talk to him now.

Good morning.

Checking the weather it looks like
a clear and sunny day

for a walk to school
on my first day of radio.

- You taking requests?
- Yes, I am.

Swallow your head and leave.

Obviously, Eric doesn't want
Cory around

while he tries to weasel money
out of good old Mom and Dad.

OK, Eric, give it your best weasel.

- He needs money.
- What happened to his allowance?

He blew it on babes.

The problem here is that my allowance
has not kept pace with inflation.

You have no idea what it costs
to take out a pretty girl.

You wanna try that again?

Yes, I do.
What I meant to say was...

- Eric, you have a letter.
- Not now, Morgan, OK?

You just can't afford to take a woman...
Never mind, I'm rich.

- What is that?
- "Robin Leach

"and National Family Publishers
have selected Eric Matthews

to be the winner of $ million dollars."

Oh, come on, you can't be that gullible.

I won! I won! Look!

Eric, this is just a ploy
to get you to buy their magazines.

- You haven't won anything.
- No, no, no, no. Wrong.

Look, they printed my name.
You think a big company's

gonna waste all that money printing
my name if I wasn't gonna win?

Good point.
Hey, you won!

Amy he won.

Maybe he can afford that brain operation
we've been meaning to get him.

Go ahead and scuff if you will.
I got a good feeling about this one.

See, there's a little voice inside
my head. You know what it's saying?

"Life is like a box of chocolates"?

Huh?

Never mind, sweetheart. You just go
wait by that front door for Robin Leach.

OK, then.

Hi, I'm Cory Matthews,
along with Shawn Hunter,

and we're back with the most interesting
show topic they would give us:

Meet your student council.

Our guest today is Sara Fairburn,

secretary treasurer of
your student counsel.

And according to Mr. Feeny's
program log, we'll be discussing

the cancellation of
the ninth-grade spring dance.

Now, Sara, I imagine there's
quite a story here.

No. We just ran out of money.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

So we're gonna have a bake sale
and try and save our dance.

Ah! Fascinating.
Go on.

That's about it.

Ah, come on.
What are you hiding?

Stop badgering her.

I gotta badger her, we got
nothing else to talk about.

(microphone feedback)

Ugh, this show stinks.

Now, Sara, you mentioned a bake sale.

What is the profit margin on a cupcake?

Heh, what are you talking about?

- Shawn, help me. Shawn!
- Oh.

Oh, Cory, I dreamed you were doing
the most painfully boring

radio show in the world.
And you were there.

And you... oh.

All right, now let's hear what you,
the listeners, think.

Call us. Now.
Please?

- No one's calling. Let's go home.
- No.

Sara, a bake sale has its dark side,
doesn't it? I mean...

Fat. Cholesterol.
What about that?

I don't know. I'm just a kid.

Does she not know?
Or choose not to know?

You know, no one else
wanted to do your show.

Cory. Cory, Cory, we have a call.

Hello, you're on the air.

(man speaking German)

I'm sorry, sir. I believe Ludwig and the
German Hour follows us. Call back later.

- Can I go now?
- Yeah, sure. What's the point?

No, stay.
Look, we have another call.

Hello, you're on the air.

(male over phone)
Hi, this is Spencer.

Spencer! I believe you're a first-time
caller to the show.

- You have a question for Sara?
- Yes, I do.

Sara, are you still going with
Joey DeRuza?

Why do you ask, Spence?

Sorry, kids, but the topic is bake sale.

Dance salvation or death by cake.

Sara, I believe the man asked you
a question. How about an answer?

We broke up last week.

(Spence) Well, I've liked you
ever since last year, and, um...

She's smiling, Spence.

...so I was thinking, uh...

Come on, Spence, if you don't ask
this red-hot babe out, I will.

Are you doing anything this Friday?

No! And I'd love to. I'll meet you at
the soda machine right now.

All right, we have a date!

Shawn, no one's interested in this.

(cheering)

We promised Turner we'd stick to the topic.

Cory, we hit on something that works.

Look at the phone lines.
They're blazing!

- People are listening to us.
- Big deal, Shawn.

A bunch of lonely guys are calling
for a girl who's fixed up and gone.

I'm not gonna blow a career in radio
for a bunch of lonely guys.

Are you the guys on the radio?

Yes, we are.

Could we be on the radio, too,
and talk to boys?

That's why we're here!

Cory and Shawn back at you with...
Lunchtime Lust.

Let's meet our next contestant.
You are...?

My name is Jasmine Fontana.

If it isn't, it should be.

We'll take the first three callers
and hook one of you up with...

Jasmine Fontana.

(both) She sure is.

(Cory over radio) Not only does
Jasmine pull straight A's,

but she loves to fish wearing nothing
but hip waders and a bikini top.

(Shawn) If this sounds like the girl
for you, call us, Cory and Shawn,

the hottest show on ra-di-o.

You know, Jasmine, a couple of
these guys have asked me

if you're a good kisser and...
right now I don't know what to tell them.

Well, um...
Maybe I could help you.

Well, maybe you could.

You know, you look different up close.

- Ludwig, take over. Schnell.
- Ja, Herr Feeny.

- Mr. Feeny, this is our show.
- Not any more.

Hello, it's Lunchtime with Ludwig.

(German accent) You may call up with
your requests. I don't take them.

Out. Come on.

(applause)

See, Mr. Feeny,
everyone loves what we did.

Not everybody.
Consider your radio careers over.

(bell ringing)

Oh, class, tomorrow we'll be discussing
chapter in your history books,

which would be...
The Bill of Rights.

Oh, dear.

Oh, the Bill of Rights,
from the good old Constitution.

And what was that amendment that
came first in the Bill of Rights?

I don't recall, but I bet
our teacher knows.

Well, then, why don't we ask him?

- Oh, Mr. Feeny.
- Freedom of speech.

Isn't that the one where
you can say whatever you want?

I believe it is.

- And doesn't it apply to everybody?
- No.

Any kind of speech, right?
Like, in a newspaper, or TV,

- or... I don't know, radio?
- Yes, yes.

Then something is just not making
sense here, my Shawn.

Weren't we just pulled off the air
because of what we said?

Yes, we were. He says one thing
and then he does another.

He's being a hypochondriac.

What you two said over the airwaves
was inappropriate.

Well, according to this
here Constitution, uh-uh.

Come on, Mr. Feeny. Don't you
believe in what you teach us?

Mr. Matthews, the rights of
the Constitution were intended

for those with a sense of responsibility.

Well, if it doesn't apply to us,
then why do we have to learn it?

Hi, guys. I have to tell you this -
all the girls in fifth-period gym

were talking about your show
in the locker room.

Girls... were talking about us
in the girls' locker room?

Just tell me, were the showers on?

When are you guys gonna be on again?

Real, real soon.

We gotta get back on the air, man!
How are we gonna get back on the air?

OK, I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.

- I got it!
- What?!

We gotta get back on the air.

- You're a genius!
- I know!

That's why we make
such a good team.

- Hey, Mr. Turner.
- I don't know you.

Oh, come on, what'd we do?

You upset the guy in charge.

I mean, you know Feeny,
he gave you responsibility

and you guys abused it,
now you're gone.

Yeah, but you're the faculty advisor.

Come on, you put us on once,
you can put us on again.

Now why should I stick my neck out
for you guys?

Because you're the young,
dedicated teacher

who believes that kids deserve
a second chance.

- That's me?
- Yeah, you didn't know?

Look, the only way you guys
get back on the air

is if I talk to Feeny.

Yeah, like, you can talk to Feeny.
He doesn't think straight, Mr. Turner.

He doesn't even believe
in the Constitution.

Yeah. He totally ignores
the first commandment.

Yeah, guys, just chill out, OK?
It can't happen without Feeny.

All right, now promise me you'll stay
away from the radio station, OK?

- (both) OK.
- OK.

Like talking to Feeny's gonna help.
He's just not gonna listen to anybody.

He's insane.

You know, it's you and me, Shawn.
Just us.

If we're gonna get back on the radio,
we're gonna have to do it by ourselves.

I agree.
But we're gonna need a lot of help.

Alvin!

Tell me something Alvin, you basically
put that radio station together, right?

It's my baby.

Well, Pop, let's go see
how Junior's doing.

(Amy) Why are we getting
Aircraft Maintenance magazine?

That's mine.
Yep, yep, yep. Eric Matthews.

Excellent. I've been waiting for it
and finally it's here.

What else we got?

Botswana Today?
Got these guys right where I want 'em.

What guys, Eric?

Robin Leach and the guys who are
gonna show up at my door

and hand me $ million dollars.

Oh, this is your magazine scam.

No, no, no, no. It's a system.

See, I ordered a magazine
for every letter of the alphabet.

That way when the computer scans
for a winner it can't possibly miss me.

A and B you already know.
C...

Chester.

The magazine for people
named Chester.

I lied about my name.

Come to my store. Spray lettuce.
Earn money.

My dream's just a little bit
different than that, Dad.

'Cause you're in America, Robin Leach
can still show up at your door

and hand a regular guy like me
a bunch of money he didn't earn.

That's a dream worth dreaming.

You know, I'm glad
he changed his name.

Morning, George.

Listen, I hear the censor yanked
two of my DJ's off the air.

Yes, it's a wonder the censor didn't
come after their counter-culture

- hippie faculty advisor.
- Hippie?

George, my Aunt Ruthie was a hippie.

Yes, and my papa was a rolling stone.

Be that as it may,
your young protégés

overstepped the boundaries
of good taste.

Well, who decides what's good taste?

You're lookin' at him, baby.

Look, Hunter and Matthews don't get
stoked about much around here,

but they got into that radio show,
and I think they deserve a second chance.

- With a little more adult supervision.
- Who would be the adult?

- You're lookin' at him, baby.
- Oh.

- Well, I'll take it under consideration.
- Thank you.

Oh, by the way, was your
Aunt Ruthie at Woodstock?

No, I don't think so.

Must've been another Ruthie Turner.

(buzz over PA)
Good morning, John Adams High!

- This is Cory.
- And Shawn.

(both) The bad boys are back

- on the air!
- (cheering)

They tried to silence us, but we're back
and we're louder than ever.

Ow!

Well, Mr. Turner, your supervision
seems to be working splendidly.

You're listening to Pirate Radio.

George, if you find them first,
you save me a piece.

(Cory) Mr. Feeny wanted us to
talk about the spring dance.

We'll do him one better.
We'll give you a spring dance!

(Shawn) Right here, right now,
Come on, everybody dance!

- (♪ rock)
- Now wait a minute, wait a minute!

I want everyone to stop dancing
and return to your classes.

(Cory)Let's start a Bill of Rights
for students!

And the number one amendment:
The right to dance.

(Shawn) Anytime, anywhere.

Help me! Help me!

- Where are they?
- They went that way.

You help Ludwig,
I'll round up the pirates.

Aye-aye, sir.

Please untie me. I must call
my father at the embassy.

(Cory) You can hear us,
but you can't see us.

- (Cory) Where are we?
- (Shawn) No, keep looking.

No telling where we could be,
Hey, did you check the boy's room?

Psych!

Pirate Radio is being
brought to you by

the Constitution of
the United States of America.

The Constitution:
Void where prohibited by Feeny.

Our next musical selection is...

Shawn, where's the tape?

Behind the bucket of janitor's mops.

D'oh!

Or is that a fake clue, because we
couldn't possibly be that stupid.

Oh, I think you're much more stupid
than you give yourselves credit for.

Don't move.

Maybe he doesn't see us.

Mr. Turner, here are your protégés.

You would assume responsibility
for them, assume away. Ludwig?

It was terrible Mr. Feeny. I am not
accustomed to being so ill-used.

Yes, well... you're young yet.

- So you catch our show?
- Mm-hm.

You got any constructive criticism?

Constructive? No.

Look, we just wanted
to get back on the radio.

And you thought this was the way
to go about it, as opposed to...

Oh, I don't know,
the way we agreed on?

Oh, come one, Mr. Turner, there's no
way Feeny was gonna listen to you.

Amazingly, he did listen to me.

And he was on the verge of
giving you guys a second chance,

then you demonstrated
why you don't deserve it.

All right, then, all we were doing was
exercising our right to free speech.

Oh, come on, the First Amendment
does not give you the right

to turn the school into a rave.
You have responsibilities.

Responsibilities to the school
and to me.

- Look, Mr. Turner...
- No, save it.

We had a deal, boys.

Now why was it so important
for you to get back on the air

that you were willing to shaft me?

- You wouldn't understand.
- Pretend I'm stupid.

We...

went...

on the radio...

Pretend I'm smarter.

Look, Mr. Turner, we're just
trying to find our place.

You know, we're only seventh graders.

But you're students, isn't that enough?

Come on, you remember what it's like?

Everybody else seems to know
who they are and where they belong.

But we're nobody.

(Turner) And you thought being on
the radio would help you?

(Cory) Yeah, I mean

if we're on the radio
and everyone thinks we're cool

then we don't get lost in the shuffle.

You feel lost?

What about you?

Yeah, sometimes.

You know what?
I bet a lot of people feel that way.

Well, maybe they do, but I'm sure
they don't wanna talk about it.

Oh, I'm sure they do.

How do you know?

Look at all the calls we have already.

We're on the air?!

Someone must've turned on
the switch accidentally.

- They heard all of that?
- Yeah.

See, guys, you don't have to do
Lunchtime Lust just to get an audience.

All you have to do is be honest.
People will listen to that, too.

Hello, you're on the air.

(Feeny) Yes, I'm a first-time caller.
Love the show.

You have a question?

More of a comment, really.

I thought you did a commendable job
handling a rather difficult situation.

Thank you, caller.

And I do have a question.
I'm curious as to what you think

the appropriate punishment
would be for your two guests?

I'm thinking a week's detention.

Couldn't quite hear that, seems to be
some static on the line.

A month's detention.

Loud and clear.

Well, you know,
that's one man's opinion.

Let's hear from some other listeners.

(man) I say lock 'em up
and throw away the key!

Get off the phone, Eric.

Guys, trust me, you got off easy.

There's a lot worse that
could've happened to you.

That is them, Father. The two American
boys who tried to tie me up.

Hey, bud, Friday night.
Go, do, girls, friends.

No money, no girls, no friends.

Oh, so you're in for the evening, huh?
Well, at least you have plenty to read.

Walking Tours for the Aged.

Oh, and look how big the print is.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, maybe that's some more magazines!

It's Robin Leach.

Uh-huh. It's getting a little old, Dad.

Hi, there. Mind if we come in?
It's very chilly out there.

Oh, my gosh, it's really Robin Leach!

Your system worked!
I never doubted you.

It was your mother. I don't think
she should get any of the money.

It's all right, Dad. There's gonna be
plenty to go around.

Hi, I'm Eric Matthews.

Hi, nice to meet you, young Eric, here in
the richly appointed Matthews home.

Truly, these people have found paradise
in the City of Brotherly Love.

Do you have the check?

Of course we have the check.

- Can I see it?
- Of course you can.

Yeah! Yeah!

$ million dollars! Paid to
the order of Dorothy Muldoon!

Whoa, whoa.
That's not you, Chester.

- It's not?
- No, of course.

It's your neighbor who lives in
the cozy Tudor home next door.

But they're not there at the moment,
so do you wonderful folks mind

if we sort of wait here in suburban
splendor until they return?

- Yeah, sure.
- Take a seat.

Have a magazine.
Have .

So, as we wait for our winners
to return,

we'll relax on the Matthews'
richly upholstered sofa

and gaze happily at their -inch
console television.

Truly, this is happiness.