03x01 - My Best Friend's Girl

[bunniefuu]

(knock at door)

Shawn, we gotta get to school.

What?
You don't know the way without me?

Just come on.

Fine. This pizza's bad anyway.

(sniffs)

No, wait. It's you.

Oh, no.

Too much cologne.

I knew this would happen.

Cologne.

Nice clothes. The spinning.

How could I forget?
It's Wednesday. T-day.

Topanga's back from her summer trip.

Oh, yeah.

So you're gonna do it, huh, Cor?
You're gonna ask her to be your girlfriend?

I really hope she says yes.

But come on, come on.
We're gonna be late.

Lateness. A problem for me once.

That was, of course,
until I got me a teacher roommate.

John!

Yeah?

Hey, Matthews, nice outfit.

Job interview?

Watch. Listen, John,
I'm dragging a little this morning.

I'm gonna need some extra time.
You think you could jot a note for me?

Sure. No problem.

You know, anything you want -
"late," "doctor." Have fun with it.

You got it.

- No way.
- What'd he write?

"No way."

That's right, pal. Your butt's in homeroom
before that first bell rings

or TV no way,
snacks no way, dates no way. OK?

Snacks?

I'm new at this. Now, get out of here.

Shawn?

Aren't you forgetting something?

My books.

Shawn, it's a new year, a new me.
You notice the spring in my step?

- Boxer shorts.
- Oh!

- You wild man.
- Oh, yeah.

Cor, Cor, there she is.

Cory, what is this?

It's John Adams. He was a president.

School namesake.
He was a father of our country.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
Cor, why are you hiding?

No, I-I'm not hiding. It's just...

Look at her, Shawn.
I mean, look at Topanga.

I thought I missed her over the summer,
but I miss her even more in person.

Wow, she's pretty.

Well, come on, Cory. Just go up to her and
say hi. You've known her your whole life.

Yeah, but that's not
the Topanga I've known.

I mean, it's like she goes away
for a summer and comes back a woman.

Yeah, so did Coach Franklin.

But that's another story. Cory, look.

We have been over
and over and over this.

Now, just walk up to her
and ask her to go steady.

All right. Here I go.

Am I moving yet?

All right, no skin.

Well, Mr. Matthews. And how is
the new president of the Film Society?

Proud. Proud and dedicated.

Tell me why I'm doing this again?

Because extracurriculars
look good on college applications.

Why? My grades aren't good enough
to get me into college?

Your grades, my friend,
are not good enough to get you a Slurpee.

Mr. Feeny, do I have to show this movie?
I mean, Paint Your Wagon?

A cowboy musical?
Nobody's coming to this.

Yes, well,
it's Coach Franklin's favorite film.

Hey, why can't I show something
where people get, you know,

slashed or gored
or disemboweled, you know?

- Something with a story.
- No horror films, please.

Violent and twisted characters
have no place on a high-school campus.

- Hello!
- Hello!

OK, off you go.

Crazy new kid
swallowed his lunch money.

Luckily, Frankie's an expert
at the "floor-lick" maneuver.

- Ain't that right, Frankie?
- Please, you embarrass me.

I'll see you gentlemen in detention.

Why, Mr. Feeny? What'd you do?

Something in a previous life, I'm sure.

Yeah, I gotta say, Cor,
Topanga's looking very hot.

Very fine. Very...

...Coppertone.

I got the idea.

All right, I'm gonna go for it.

Shawn, you're not next to me.
I must be moving.

Hello.

Cory, hi.
So, we're in all the same classes again.

Yeah, I... I had a nice summer too.
Thanks.

Bye.

What just happened over there, Shawn?

I mean, I'm talking with you fine,
but over there with Topanga,

I became a... a...

...sea monkey.

- That's a bad animal, man.
- (bell rings)

Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys...
You didn't hear, did you?

What? What?

This year when the bell rings,
it means get to class.

The Hunter boy giving you a rough time?

I suggest you send a note
home to yourself.

All right, George, all right.
There's still a few bugs to work out.

But I'm telling you, until his parents
show up, I'm glad to have him.

We had a great time
over the summer break.

Well, the vacation is over.
The relationship must change accordingly.

Oh, come on, George.
You can't know everything.

(bell rings)

How does he do it?

Cor, here's your chance.
Just ask her out for movie night.

Try and stop me.

Topanga.

Thanks for this.

- I saluted.
- We all saw.

Cor, you're making too big a deal
out of this. Just act natural.

You're right.

So, uh, Topanga.

- Friday night, what's going on?
- I don't know.

Neither do I.

OK, then.

Shawn.

I did this.

(booing)

Hey, hey! Get off my back!

- I'm trying to get into college here.
- (booing)

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Shut all your traps.

It says Clint Eastwood's in this picture.

Singing.

Word around the halls is your ticket sales
are a little lackluster, Matthews.

And to that end,
we have a business proposition.

We'll take all the tickets
and we'll sell the show out for you.

- Cool.
- For a piece, of course.

Piece. Piece of what?

The profits. You see, we've got our fingers
in every organization in this school.

Except the mime club.

No, those guys give me the creeps.

(mouths)

Oh, wait a minute, I know what this is.
You guys can forget it, all right?

Hey, nobody says forget it
to Joey the Rat. Ain't that right, Frankie?

Help, Joey!
They got me in that box again.

Get out of here. Get out of here.

Cory?

- Are you OK?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Very OK, why?

All day you've hardly said a word to me,
avoided eye contact,

and did I imagine this
or did you salute me?

You were in that rainforest
a long time. See...

...saluting's in now.

Bob.

Steve.

Coach Franklin.

Cory, I know what this is about.
Why you're acting so strange?

It's about Friday night, isn't it?

Yeah! Yeah! Um...
So here's what I'm thinking.

We get a big group together,
we grab a bite at Chubbie's...

- ...and then we're...
- Cory.

I'm going with someone else.

I sort of thought you knew.

Yeah. Yeah.

I heard something about that.

Guess it just slipped my mind.

If you'll excuse me, I have to be...

...in another place entirely.

Can you get me an orange?

Topanga has a date for the screenings.

You were right, Shawn. I mean,
you warned me this would happen.

- I did?
- Yeah. You said Topanga looked hot.

And if I waited too long
some other guy was gonna move right in.

- I did.
- I brought this on.

I can only blame myself.

I just wonder who asked her.

I did.

Huh?

I asked Topanga out.

You asked Topanga out?

What? You said yourself,
she's a woman now.

I can't talk to you right now.

Cool. See you.

(grunts)

I was gonna ask her out.

Really, I was.

Tell me I'm dreaming.

- Just send me a sign.
- (shrieks)

- Call this a sign?
- You bet it's a sign.

Come on, kid. Lift your shirt.

Lift, lift, lift!

"Film Society screening Friday."

Ten bucks a pair. Cough it up.
Cough, cough, cough...

No, no. This is not a good time, OK?

- "Be there or be..."
- (shrieks)

"...dead."

It's catchy.

- It's OK, Hunter. Don't get up.
- Well?

That's the best job interview
I've been out on in months.

- All right, Eli. So you got something?
- Yep.

The secretary's phone number.
I start Saturday night.

What about the job, man?

- Overqualified.
- Overqualified.

Eli, buddy.

When they kick you out of your apartment,
you'll always have a place to stay.

- I appreciate that.
- That park across the street, man.

And they got new benches.
And we'd still be neighbors.

- All right, where is he?
- You don't believe in knocking?

No, I don't believe in anything anymore.
I demand to know where Shawn Hunter is.

- I'm right here, Cor.
- Aha! I've found you.

- Is this about Topanga?
- What were you thinking, Shawn?

You do not ask out your best friend's girl.

- Am I right?
- How long have you been dating her?

- Never! He didn't even make a move.
- Yeah, but I was going to.

This sounds like a clear violation
of the gentlemen's code of dating.

Yes.

See, a true friend doesn't ask out a girl that
his buddy likes or has just broken up with.

Right, John?

Yeah, well, you know. Whatever. I mean,
there's always exceptions to that rule.

Yeah, and would one of these exceptions
be a certain Miss Cynthia Harp?

Eli, will you let it go, man?
That was ten years ago.

Besides, you dumped her
for that Spanish transfer student

whose only word of English was "yes."

- That was my favorite semester.
- OK, so don't be...

- That doesn't make a difference.
- Don't start...

Excuse me!

Kn*fe in the back here.

All I did was ask out a girl who didn't
have a boyfriend. Which reminds me.

- I think I'll go call her and firm up plans.
- Oh, go ahead, Hunter.

Firm your little heart out.
Firm up your plans for Friday night.

And every night for that matter,
my friend.

Or should I say my ex-friend?

I'm outta here.

Who's gonna tell him he's in the closet?

And I'm taking back my sweater.

Nice save.

Mom, I gotta ask you something.

Do you believe that opposites attract?

Well, yeah.

But it can never last, right?

Well, actually, Cory, your dad and I
had nothing in common at first.

But then,
the differences made it kind of exciting.

In fact, the first time we kissed
was so incredible...

Stop.

Why did I even ask a woman?
They only bring you heartache.

Well, this one brings dinner every night,
a roof over your head,

and there was
that little giving-birth thing.

Mom, that's getting real old.

You know, Mom, I'm sensing
one of those brother-to-brother moments.

- I can take it from here.
- My pleasure. He's all yours.

Thanks.

You know, Cor,
a little song comes to mind

that might be able
to help you through these tough times.

♪ Topanga's going out with Shawn
Topanga's going out with Shawn

Bite me very much.

Now, listen. I still don't believe
Topanga really likes Shawn.

In fact, I'm gonna call her and find out.

Yeah, yeah. Why don't you
just take the cordless up to the roof

so after you talk to her you can jump?

You're really hurting, aren't you?

That just takes all the fun out of it.

I've never felt so horrible before.

I mean, I'm sitting here like this,
and she's out there having a good time.

It makes no sense, Eric.

I gotta talk to Topanga
and find out where I stand.

Look, Cory, Cory, Cory?

I got about ten seconds of sincerity
left in me, so don't interrupt, all right?

Ask a girl what she's thinking,
she'll feel cornered.

- So what do I do?
- Ask her best friend.

Straight answers, no pressure. Time's up.

Oh, yeah.

Trini.

I was so totally, totally blown away
that you asked me here today after school.

Considering
how much I really bug you and all.

- No, no. Trini.
- (slams ketchup down)

Um...

I really find your infectious,
perky energy just...

Would you give me that?

Let an old ketchup-slapper help you out.

So, uh, what do you want?

Well, I need to ask you something.

Say there was this girl, who's always
been despised by a certain guy.

I mean, they're complete opposites.

- But then, it's like, one day she just...
- Oh, my God.

I am so flattered.

- Why?
- Because...

...you're asking me out.

Aren't you?

Uh...

Yes. Yes, I am.

- Friday night. Movies. You and me.
- Do you wanna do dinner first?

No. No.

I don't think I'll be hungry.

Uh, Frankie, Joey,
what are we doing in here?

Like we told you.
Mr. Blue, Mr. Brown. Come on.

Look, if you guys are collecting,
the Film Society's broke, all right?

Nobody's buying tickets.

Maybe not from you.

But we have sold out.

What? Are you kidding? All these people
bought tickets for Paint Your Wagon?

Paint Your Wagon. Yeah, right.

Laugh with us.

Well, cheer up, Eric.

It's not the quantity of the audience,
it's the quality.

Oh, shut up.

Well, I'd stay, but these mime people
give me the creeps.

Mr. Blue, let 'em in.

Joey's Mr. Blue. I'm Brown.
How don't you see that?

Come on, come on.
Let's go. Let's go.

Keep it moving. Keep it moving.

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Hey, one to a chair.
One to a chair!

Nothing packs them in
like a feel-good horror film.

Texas Gut Suckers, Part Five:
Leon's Revenge.

- Don't forget about our little surprise guest.
- Oh, so Leon made it?

Yeah, but the airline lost his guts.

You should never check your guts.

Come on, Trini.
There are two over here.

Hi, Cory. Hi, Trini.

- I like your hair.
- Oh, thanks.

- I think she meant Trini, Cor.
- Hey, you wanna step outside?

Cory.

(cartoon-type music plays)

Some people can't even
make it through the cartoon.

You little badger.

Oh, great.

I've been gummed.

Hey!

How about that coyote?
What a moron, huh?

All right.

Well, on behalf of the Film Society,
and their friends,

we would like to thank you all
for responding

to the underground invitations
stuffed into your lockers.

And now,
here to introduce Leon's Revenge,

the man you've all been waiting for.

He played Leon the Gut Sucker
in parts one, three, and four.

Here he is, direct from the pits of hell,
your worst nightmare.

Come on. Here he is.

- Boo.
- It's Feeny!

Into the car, Mr. Brown.

Not until I find out
what that monster's done with Leon.

Mr. Feeny,
there's a very good explanation for this.

I'm sure there is.

Really?
'Cause, see, I was just kinda winging it.

Shawn?

I'll be right there.

- What are you looking at me for?
- Cory Matthews, what is your problem?

- You.
- What did I do?

Topanga, you only went out
with my best friend.

Well, you didn't ask me.

Besides, you came to the make-out movies
with my best friend too.

Yeah, but only to...

...make you think...

I mean, I was just...

- Cory, would you just talk to me?
- I can't.

Don't you think I want to?
I mean, in my head this is so easy.

I've said it all summer long,
a million times.

- Said what?
- I can't say it now, here,

with all these...

...empty chairs around.

Cory, it's just you and me.
We've know each other our whole lives.

We've always been able to talk.

That's what's making this so hard now.

It doesn't have to be.

Look, Topanga.

If I had to dream up the perfect woman,

she wouldn't even come close to you.

Would you be my girlfriend?

Yes or no?

(clapping)

Man, it's about time.

You're lucky
this whole thing worked, Hunter.

I almost had to kiss him.

Wait, it was a setup?

Come here.

Oh, thank you.

Now go back there,
you little sea monkey.

So.

Where were we?

You little badger.