07x20 - As Time Goes By

[bunniefuu]

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

ERIC: It was one
of those nights.

You know the kind,
like day, but darker.

I'd had them before,
except tonight

somebody was dead.

Now it was my job
to catch a m*rder*r,

and believe me,
there were plenty of suspects.

Him.

Her, not the cop.

Her.

Him.

Her.

That guy next to her,
that guy, him.

And, of course,
the guy with the hat.

Not me.

I'm the guy talking.

So, what's your
story, fez-head?

No free words in this
town, flatfoot.

Talk ain't cheap.

Here.

But, apparently,
you are.

Enough of the flattery,
fez-head, I already like you.

So, come on, talk.

She got in the way.

In the way of what?

You're the detective.
You figure it out.

ERIC: He had a point.

Maybe that's why
he wore a hat.

But not only did I have to figure
out who k*lled her and why,

I also had to figure
out who she was.

(CARTOONS PLAYING ON TV)

(CORY LAUGHING LOUDLY)

Oh, that's great!

That's great!
That's great!

(CARTOON SOUNDS CONINUE)

Something wrong?

Cory, you and I have the
exact same paper due tomorrow.

How is it that I'm sitting
here, studying,

and you're sitting there,
watching that stupid coyote

fall into the
Grand Canyon again?

I want to make sure
he's gonna be all right.

He's always all right!

What if this is
the one time he dies?

How can you
live like this?

How can you live
like this?

You're always prepared.

You're always ready.
I hate ready!

Stop, stop! Just stop picking
up the popcorn, okay?

Now, listen to me.

You've worked very
hard tonight, okay?

You deserve
a little break.

Now, I want you
to sit here, okay?

Just sit with Cory.
Relax a little bit.

And we're gonna watch some
nice, quality animation.

Cory, we are married now.
We're adults.

We have to
be responsible.

Responsibility is not
popcorn or cartoons.

(IMITATING) Responsibility
is not popcorn or cartoons!

And, frankly, you could use a
bit of stress in your life!

Oh, you think so?

You think I should
make everyone nuts

by being a stressed-out,
control freak,

until everyone
wants to k*ll me?

Oh, you want to k*ll me?

No.

I'm just talking
about, you know,

everyone that knows you.
(CHUCKLES)

Look, Topanga, life is just
too short for this, okay?

And the difference between you
and me, is that me knows that.

Did you just use "me" ,
as the subject of a sentence?

I don't believe it.

Topanga, come on!

Relax! Take
a little time-out.

Cory, this is life!

You can't take
a time-out from life.

Just because
something bad happens

doesn't mean you can escape
into a fantasy world.

(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

Fine, you want
me to relax?

I'll relax.

That's my girl!
I will clean the closet.

Cleaning is not relaxation.

Well it's better than watching a
duck with a speech impediment!

Daffy is doing the best he can
with what he has, all right!

He's an idiot!

(LAUGHS)

Cory, did you know that there
was a doorway back here?

(LAUGHS )
Oh, yeah!

(DOOR SQUEAKING)

(RUMBLING NOISE)

You know those time
continuum vortex things

we're studying in physics?

This kind of looks like one.

I wonder what's behind...

(VORTEX WHOOSHING)

Topanga, this popcorn
needs salt.

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ In the olden days,
a glimpse of stocking

♪ Was looked on
as something shocking

♪ Now Heaven knows

♪ Anything goes ♪

ERIC: Rory's Shangri-la Cafe.

Where you check your
problems at the door.

People come here
for all different reasons

but stay for just one,
to forget.

Ella Fitzgerald Kennedy,

used to sing with Sinatra.

Irv Sinatra.

The guy ticklin' the ivories
is, Wee Hawkin Willy.

Direct descendant
of Beethoven.

Harry Beethoven.

Fez-head and Costello,
they're always together.

People talk.

Hey, move away from me,
fez-head, people are talking.

Don't flatter
yourself, Gertrude.

Aw, crazy, mixed-up kid.
You look lost.

That's Angel, 'nuff said.

Hi, I'm Angel Nuffsaid.

How about a cup of joe?

I'd love one, but I don't
seem to have any money.

Nobody needs
money here, kid.

This is Rory's Shangri-la.

Meet Isaac "Good sh*t" Kelly.

Walked into this place
yesterday and never left.

Everyone seems so carefree
here, so relaxed.

Well, you can be too!

Forget your troubles.
Come on, get happy!

Forget your troubles.
Come on, get happy!

That could be a song.

Nah.

You know, if you're
looking for a job,

Angel could use
some help around here.

(LAUGHS)

There I go again!

She's the worst
waitress I've ever seen.

But we all
love her for that.

So, what are you
runnin' from, sister?

What do you mean?

Well, everyone
that comes to Rory's,

is runnin' away
from somethin',

or trying
to find somethin',

usually themselves.

I don't know who I am,
or why I'm even here.

No one does,
and no one has to.

All that matters
is that we're here.

Is everybody happy?

ALL: Rory!

ERIC: That's Rory.

He owns this place
and everything in it.

But he doesn't own her...

Yet.

And where have you been
all my life, baby?

I don't know.

So, who are you really,
and where are you from?

What did you do
and what do you think?

I don't know who I am
or even why I'm here.

I know someone
who can help.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

ERIC: That's where I come in.
I'm the local gumshoe.

That's gum, on my shoe.

More gum.

Someone's here to see ya.

What do you
mean, a case?

No silly, a person.

(LAUGHS)

ERIC: Beauty and no brains,
a dangerous combination.

I'm talkin' about me.

Is this a bad time?

I had a feeling
that if it wasn't yet,

it was gonna be.

Gonna be what?

What?

I just heard you say...
No, I didn't.

But, I heard you!

She was as stubborn as a
mule, with twice the kick.

You did it again!

Did what?

Maybe this
was a mistake.

What?
I didn't say anything.

Yes, you did!

Listen, please, please,
please, don't go!

We don't get a whole lot of
crime here in Shangri-la,

so, uh, I don't
have a lot of cases.

Please, just sit down.

What seems to be
the problem, Miss?

I know this may sound crazy,

but I don't seem to know
who I am or why I'm here!

I seem to have lost
track of my identity.

The case of the
missing identity.

I'm gonna need some ID.

Topanga, hurry up!

Tweety's putting dynamite
in Sylvester's litter box!

Aah! (LAUGHS)

Hey, Trixie!

Do you have the time?

Honey, I got all
the time in the world!

Ah, now you're talkin'
our language.

Shangri-la looks
good on you, honey.

You know, you really
seem to fit in here.

Like a glove, toots.

A girl like me could get so used
to living in a place like this!

Kind of feel like
I was meant to be here.

Hey, dollface.

Hey.

I was talking
to fez-head.

Nice to see
you, moron.

I think I've got
a lead on your case.

What case?

He means
"person."

(LAUGHS)

Hmm.

You don't remember
who you are, remember?

Oh, that's right!

I was having such a good
time here, I forgot!

Like most people
who come to Rory's,

she too had found
her Shangri-la.

Hey, Ella, that last
song was a real doozie!

I couldn't sing a note without
sweet Willy on his s.

ERIC: She didn't sing so good,
and he didn't play so good.

But in Shangri-la,
nobody cares.

She don't sing
so good, fez-head.

He don't play so good.

We don't care!
We don't care!

Some more coffee,
handsome?

Sure, hit me baby,
one more time.

♪ Hit me baby one more time? ♪

No.

Say, doll, what do you
say you and I get hitched?

What?

Yeah, you know,
tie the knot,

walk down the aisle,
make an honest man out of me.

You want to marry me?

Well, I hadn't really thought
about it, but sure, why not?

But you don't know
anything about me.

I know you're spontaneous,
and I know you're carefree.

You fit in perfectly here.

And I'm not takin'
no for an answer.

You won't have
to, Rory.

I love it here,
you big lug!

And I love you.

Kiss me!

Kiss me as if there weren't
a thought between us!

Uh, sorry to interrupt,

but I think I've got some leads
on your missing identity.

Give it to me
straight, stupid.

This may sound stupid,

but have you ever heard
of something called a

"time continuum vortex"?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)

"Time continuum vortex"?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)

(TOPANGA) This is life!

You can't take
a time-out from...

Responsibility
is not popcorn...

CORY: (IMITATING) Responsibility
is not popcorn or cartoons!

TOPANGA: Just because
something bad happens

doesn't mean you can escape
into a fantasy world.

(CORY LAUGHING)

Never heard of it.

Something told me my services
were no longer needed.

Your services
are no longer needed.

Oh, yeah, it was her!

Now that I'm
getting married,

it doesn't matter
who I was.

Yeah, I seen a lot
of dames like her.

Thinking they could
run away from who they are.

But it's been my experience
that no matter where you go,

who you really are
always catches up with you.

Just think.

The two of us here
together in Shangri-la.

Ain't it gonna
be grand?

Could you stop
saying "ain't"?

What's wrong with
me saying "ain't"?

I don't know. It just
kind of makes me angry.

Without knowin' it,

she was giving me clues
as to who she really was.

So now that we're
getting married,

maybe you could
tell me what you do.

Do? (CHUCKLES)
What do you mean "do"?

This is what I do.
I'm a dandy.

A what?

I'm the one who says,
"is everybody happy?"

ALL: Rory!

Hey!

You see what I mean?

Uh, I guess that's okay.

I guess I could be
Mrs. Dandy.

Oh, that's swell.

But could she really?

Was I the only one

who thought this dame
was about to run amok?

That's it!

♪ This dame's
about to run amok

♪ Looks like we've all
run out of luck

♪ And nothing's ever
gonna be the same again ♪

That dame is poison,
I tell you.

Don't say "dame"!

It's offensive!

Since when?

Since Trixie said it was,
"Politically incorrect."

I've decided
not to like her.

I can't take it anymore.

She's got me worried
about my future.

She says gum's
bad for your teeth.

She told me my
songs were stupid!

They are.

Well, you don't
play so good.

He don't play so well.

Oh, my God,
I'm like her.

Go drop a dish.

She had just arrived,

and already she turned,
Shangri-la into "angry-la."

Hey, fez-head.

Are you thinking,
what I'm thinking?

The interloper must die!

Yeah, die! Die!

ALL: (CHANTING) Die! Die!

It was getting ugly.

I had to do something quick

before Rory's Shangri-la
was lost forever.

But first, I had to bend down
to pick up Feeny's hat.

Did I say "Feeny"?
I meant fez-head.

Gotta think, gotta think.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Damn!

I wish I knew
how to read.

Oh, well.

Hello?

Vortex who?

(LAUGHS)

(VORTEX WHOOSHING)
(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(CARTOONS PLAYING ON TV)

See, Topanga? The coyote's
up and ready for more.

The man's a genius.

Aah!
Aah!

Aah!
Aah!

Aah!

Rory?

(IMITATING) Reric?
How'd you get in here?

Through the vortex.

Why are you
dressed like that?

I could ask you
the same question.

What's that coyote
doing in that box?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Anyway, why am I here?

Usually it's 'cause
you're lost.

Huh.

Trixie.

Huh?

You know Trixie.
That must be why I'm here.

That's not Trixie.
That's my wife, Topanga.

You know, my wife?

Your wife was transported
to an alternate universe.

As far as I can tell,
your closet is a vortex

that connects your
reality with ours.

Topanga, come out of the
closet, Eric's drunk.

Drunk with knowledge.

Come with me.

Fine, you want to put on
Topanga's shoes again,

we'll put on Topanga's shoes.

(VORTEX WHOOSHING)

(VORTEX WHOOSHING)

Damn it to hell,
we're too late.

Why would
somebody do this?

She was gettin'
in the way.

In the way of what?

Of our happiness.

We was all relaxed and
happy, until she came along.

You're a very good-looking
man, by the way.

Topanga was
a very good person.

Yeah, well, now she's
good and dead.

(CHUCKLING)

She ain't gonna
bother us no more.

She was a
stress case, man.

So somebody k*lled her.

Now it's my job to
figure out who done it.

(ALL WHISTLING)

Hey, hey, hey!
Nobody move!

You're all suspects!

Yeah, you know,
don't leave town!

Hold on!

Okay.

You know, maybe Topanga
was a little annoying.

And maybe sometimes,

she made me
a little exasperated.

But I never once
thought of doing this!

All right, maybe a little.
But I never did!

Which is the difference
between me...

And you.

Now, tell me,
why did you do it?

I did it because she was
ruining my good time.

She was ruining
our entire way of life.

COSTELLO: Yes, she was.
ELLA: Yeah, yeah.

Why is that?

Because in your hearts
you knew she was right?

Because you knew that even though she'd
change you, it would be for the better?

That's why I need
her in my life.

And you know why
she needs me?

Get up, Topanga.

I can't.

I'm dead.

No, you're not.

This isn't real.

I knew that.

This whole thing
is a cartoon.

It's pretend.

But, I think
it's what you needed.

It was?

Yeah. It was.

(SIGHS)

All right, I think it's time
I actually did some studying.

Mmm, why don't we
take a break first?

Shouldn't we clean
up the popcorn?

The popcorn can wait.

You're kidding.

Ah!

(LAUGHS)

Let's watch
some cartoons.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

ERIC: Shangri-la,
heaven on earth.

Utopia.

Is it hidden
somewhere far away?

Or just tucked behind
the shoe rack in your closet?

The choice is yours.

(VORTEX WHOOSHING)

(LAUGHS) Isn't this great?

Yeah, ain't it?

You said, "ain't."

I know.