06x22 - State of the Unions

[bunniefuu]

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Cory, Mr. Rutherford called
from the banquet hall.

Somebody canceled, and now
there's an open date.

How would you like to get married
on July th, Independence Day?

Married on Independence Day?
How ironic.

You're not getting cold
feet about this, are you?

Topanga, you know those terrible
dreams I've been having?

Yeah.

Well, they're, don't get
mad, about marriage.

They're, don't get mad,
anti-marriage dreams.

You, don't get mad, you
don't come out so well.

Why not?

Well, last night, for
example, I had this dream

that you and I,
we got married,

and we wound up
in the poor house.

You know how I know?

Big, big sign on the
front, "The poor house."

And inside,
it sounded like

people were
being beaten,

and there was this execution
room called the Topanga Room,

and the executioner
was you!

And all the
chopped-off heads

in the head basket
were me!

Are we getting
married or not?

Yeah,
I'm just talking.

But how are you
so sure about this?

Because I look
at our parents, Cory.

I mean, they got married
when they were young,

and they love each other
more now than they ever did.

Yeah, I guess
you're right.

I mean, my parents are
still having babies.

Oh, by the way, my parents
are coming into town

to discuss the wedding.

"Oh, by the way, my parents
are coming into town"?

Oh, by the way, captain Titanic,
this ship's in two pieces!

I wanna be able to tell
them we've set the date.

We have?

Cory, it's okay to be nervous about this.
It's natural.

Hey. You wanna
hear something?

Feeny and I are
getting married Sunday.

Are you nervous?

(WHISPERING) Yes.

We're just planning
a simple ceremony

at the justice of the
peace on Sunday.

Oh, Alan, we should
have the wedding here.

Oh, no, no.
That's not necessary.

Oh, come on, George. Everyone
will want to be there.

You can't rob them of that.
Yeah.

I can't imagine anybody
being interested in us.

I'm surprised
she's interested in us.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, George.

Oh, Lila.

Oh, my.

Oh, boy!

Big trouble!

Cory, Mr. Feeny and Lila are getting
married in our living room.

I'm thrilled
for you, Feeny.

Now, get out and take
your chick with you.

Cory, have you
lost your mind?

The in-laws are coming.

We're outta here.

Looking forward
to Sunday.

Yes, yes, we all are.
Now, let's go.

You're a good boy.

Big trouble!

Oh, Cory, it's just
Topanga's parents.

Well, I'm going
in the living room.

They used to be Topanga's parents.
Now they're the in-laws.

Now they hate me.

Why?

The same reason
Grandma hates you.

Oh, got it.

And other reasons.

What other reasons?

Yale. I'm the
reason

that their daughter is not
going to Yale this year.

I'm also the reason
that their daughter

is not living with
them in Pittsburgh.

That is why
I made these.

Dos and don'ts for behavior
around the in-laws?

What, you didn't think
I was actually gonna let you

be yourselves
for this, did you?

"No impressions, none."

What? People love
my impressions.

Oh, please. No one even knows
when you're doing one.

Fine.

(JOSHUA CRIES)

♪ Hush little baby
don't say a word

♪ Mama's gonna buy you
a mocking bird ♪

Uh, no she ain't, Ma.
Not tonight.

Ha.

What do you mean, ha? I
mean, ha, you can't sing.

I mean, no, you sing very well.
But not tonight,

'cause it's on the "don't"
list like my impressions.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
(SCREAMS)

They're here!

Oh, Cory, there's nothing
to be nervous about.

Their daughter loves you.
That's what's important.

You're right. You're right.
That's what's important.

You know what
else is important?

That you two stick to
the conversational topics

that I've clearly
written out for you.

"Bridges
and patio furniture"?

"Peaches and slipcovers."

That's it!
Nothing else!

Nobody says
anything stupid, okay?

Nothing stupid.

Hi.
Hi.

I'm sorry your daughter
gave up Yale for me.

Cory, you remember my parents,
Jedediah and Rhiannon.

It's okay, Cory.
She's happy where she is.

Sure, what the hell.

Four generations of Lawrences
at Yale are plenty. (CHUCKLES)

Would you like
to come in?

Yeah.
I guess.

Hello, Cory.

White ball in the hole
right over there.

(EXCLAIMS)

Eric, you just
scratched on purpose.

Yeah, well,
I'm a loser anyway.

Hey,
do you wanna talk?

What, you and me?

Yeah.
Can we do that?

Why, I mean,
I don't know.

We never have before.

No, not in
the last six years.

Not even that year
we lived together.

I know. I completely
forgot about that year.

When was that?

That was last year.

Oh!
Oh!

So, you want to try talking
and see what happens?

What could you and I
possibly have to talk about?

Okay.

My life sucks, Shawnie.

I lost my apartment...
My apartment!

I lost Rachel...
Rachel!

I lost my best friend Jack.
Rachel!

And now I'm about to lose
Feeny to that mean old lady.

Jack!

Well, Eric, I lost something that
means more to me than any of that,

and I managed to survive.

You mean
your dead dad, Shawn?

You're a sensitive guy.

Hey, thanks, man.

I just wish that
Rachel could see that.

I mean, I love her.

Let me
ask you something.

Do you think the two of you would
actually make a good couple?

She's so pretty.

Right. But what about her
attracts you spiritually?

Oh, spiritually.
She's so pretty.

Okay, but what about her personality
makes her your ideal woman?

Well, she's pretty,
like I said,

and she can walk really
good, and she's got this...

You know what? Why don't
you just go ask Jack?

I mean,
he's the one who won her.

You know,
it sounds to me

like you care more about
the competition with Jack

than you actually
care about her.

Oh, well, now, see,
that is ridiculous.

I could've won that. I could.
I swear. He cheated.

Because Dad d*ed?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, he was grieving.

Chicks totally dig
people that are grieving.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know it was
your dad and everything, I really do,

but I'm pretty sure
it was a fix.

Eric, you know,
I feel really good

about my life
right now.

Because when I took off
in my dad's trailer,

I had a moment,
just one moment,

that made everything
completely clear for me.

I was looking
at the night sky,

and I could
see everything,

the stars,
planets, galaxies.

You must've
felt so small.

I did. I totally did.
I felt like a speck

who was here for one moment
in time and then gone.

And I decided
that while I'm here,

I wanna be with my friends
and the people I love.

Because when
I'm with you guys,

I don't feel
that small.

That's what
I figured out.

But that's for you.

Yeah, that's for me.

So, I guess I got
to figure stuff out, too,

but for me.

For you.

I'm glad you came back, Shawn.

That's a nice talk.

Yeah, it was. We should
do this again sometime.

Look at them, Cory. That
is one big, happy family.

See, I look at them, and that's how
I know we're going to be okay.

That's how.

And my cards are
working like a charm.

Yeah, whatever.

Cards? Cory,
what did you do?

(SHUSHING)

Hello.

Hi.
CORY: Hi, how are you?

What are we talking about?
Television.

Jedediah says there's
nothing good on anymore.

Television?

Is television bridges
or patio furniture, Dad?

The only good show that
was ever on television,

and everybody
knows this, is ALF.

(CHUCKLES)
Oh, what?

Nobody watches
ALF, Jedediah.

It's not even
on anymore.

Well, that's
my point, Rhiannon.

There's nothing good
on television.

What's the matter with...
Yes. Ally McBeal?

I'll tell you what's
wrong with Ally McBeal.

She has no passion for the law.
What?

And she takes issue with her
husband's comments on television

in front
of other people.

She's not even married.

And she never will be.

You remember when
ALF was on Johnny Carson?

Oh, no.

Boy, nobody
did it like Johnny.

Dad.

(IMITATING CARSON)
Ooh, I did not know that.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, that was...
That was hideous.

Do another one.

I don't really
want to now.

Jedediah, I thought his Johnny
Carson was absolutely fine.

(IMITATING ED MCMAHON)
Hey-o. You are correct, sir.

Oh, no. Oh, my God.
Oh, no. Oh, no.

Rhiannon, I was just having
a little fun with him.

Come on, Dad. Let's hear
your Johnny Carson.

Yeah. Why is it no
matter what I say,

you have to take the
opposite point of view?

(JOSHUA CRIES)

I didn't mean to scold.

I just thought you were
being a little rude.

No,
I wasn't being rude.

Rude is how you chose
to interpret it, honey.

(SINGING LULLABY)

Mom. Mom!

Mom! Mom!

(IMITATING HUMPHREY BOGART) Of all
the gin joints in all the towns

in all the world,
she walks into mine.

What the hell
are you doing?

Let's just drop this for now
and talk about it later, okay?

Just drop it.

The trouble with us
is we drop something,

it doesn't mean
it goes away.

Oh, Cor, how about
some dessert?

(IMITATING JACK BENNY) How
about a little, uh, dessert?

I think that sounds
like a great idea,

because, uh, Cory and I have
an announcement to make.

Honey, I wanna hear your announcement.
I really do.

But I've gotta take a
walk for a few minutes,

get a little air.

Yeah, why don't
you do that?

(DOOR SLAMS)
Mom?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You just couldn't stick
to the cards, could ya?

Mom, what's wrong?

It's nothing, Topanga.
I'm emotional.

My little girl
is getting married.

What's wrong with Dad?

Oh, Daddy and I have been
together a long time.

I know.

That's what I keep
telling Cory.

He really wants me
to reassure him

that our relationship
is going to last forever.

All I have to do is tell
him about you guys.

Topanga...

Every relationship
lives on its own.

What you each bring to
it is what sustains it.

You don't need to look at any
other relationship as an example.

You're right.

It's going to be really hard for me
and Cory to live up to you guys,

but we're gonna try.

Sorry I walked out
like that.

It was a long drive from Pittsburgh.
I'm a little worn out.

It's okay, Daddy.

Are we ready
to go back inside?

We have
a wedding to plan.

Yeah.

You get
enough air, Jed?

I'm making spaghetti.

You wanna share it
like Lady and the Tramp?

Yeah.
I'll be Tramp.

Unless, uh,
you wanna be.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, nuts!

Who is it?
It's Eric.

Um, just a second.

Okay.

Hey.
Hey.

So, what have
you guys been up to?

Oh, nothing. It was
just a normal night.

I guess I'm not
interrupting anything here.

Oh, no, no. We were
just, uh, reading.

The Bible.

Oh, well,
that's good

'cause I actually came here
to give you my blessing.

No, I just wanted
to tell you guys

that I'm not gonna try to make
you feel uncomfortable or bad...

(GASPS) Two straws!

It's okay.
It's okay.

You know, seriously,
forget about that.

I just wanted
to say that

I am genuinely
happy for both of you.

Oh, um,
isn't that nice.

Why?

You're gonna get a kick out of this.
You are.

You remember how excited
we were when she moved in?

Yeah.

You know, maybe this should
be just between you guys.

No, no,
that's okay. Listen.

Remember how from the
second we saw her,

we both wanted her?

Yeah.

I'm gonna
leave now, okay?

No, no. Listen, listen,
'cause here's the thing.

I have been a fool.

What?

This whole time, I've been
sitting here thinking

I'm so in love
with Rachel, but...

I don't even know her.

What?

Yeah, just living in the same
apartment with her, you know,

wondering what she's
gonna wear every day,

or catching a whiff
of the smell of her hair,

or that cute, funny
little laugh she's got.

(GIGGLING)

Oh, you mean
like that.

Yeah, our lives really were
turned upside down by this one.

Oh, dude, weren't they?
I'm telling you, man.

But you know something,

I realized something after I
moved out of the apartment.

What?

It was
the competition,

the competition
that was so exciting!

Yeah, it was.

What?

Yeah, yeah,
I won that one.

Yeah.

Won what?
Won you.

No, I mean,
I didn't "won" you.

I meant
I won, you.

Well, anyway, look,

I really just
came over here

to tell you guys how happy
I am for you, you know?

It feels so good to finally
get it off my chest. So...

(EXHALES)

All right, that's all.
I'm gonna go now.

Hey, it was good
seeing you again, man.

Really, it was good
seeing ya, all right?

See you, sweetie,
all right?

Peace.

How you doing?

Hi.

So, while you guys
are here,

we want you to come
down and see the hall

where we want to get married.
It is so beautiful, Mom.

We will, honey.

We never
actually had a hall.

We eloped.
You did?

Yeah, her folks didn't think
I'd amount to anything,

but I guess we showed
them, huh, honey?

I guess.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Twenty three years of
happiness, brand-new baby,

these babies
getting married.

Yeah, we showed 'em.

What about you guys?

Did Grandma and Grandpa think
you guys would make it?

Yeah, they thought
we would make it.

They thought we would be together forever.
(VOICE BREAKING)

Don't.

So did I.

Oh, honey.
Mom?

(CRYING)
I'm sorry.

Look, Rhiannon, not now.

Mom, why are you crying like this?
You're scaring me.

I thought I could get
through this, but I can't.

I'm so sorry.

No, actually,
you know what,

it's time to
feed the baby.

Alan, why don't you come
help me feed the baby.

How can I help you feed the...
Alan.

Oh, yes, of course.

I'm sure I can help.
Excuse us.

Here, maybe
I should go...

No, no, Cory.
Please, you stay.

If you stay,
I don't think...

Your father and I
argue a lot.

That she'd actually say
anything in front of you.

All married couples
argue a lot.

Topanga, haven't you ever
wondered why we let you stay here

when we moved
to Pittsburgh?

Because of me. Because
you didn't want to

take me away from my last
year of high school.

And Cory.

Because you didn't want to
rip me away from my friends.

Me.

Daddy and I thought we could
work things out better

if we took some
time by ourselves.

Work what out? There's
nobody like you two.

You two
are so in love.

Topanga, people change.

Daddy, why is Mom
talking like this?

We didn't want to
dump this on you.

We wanted to wait until
after the wedding. No.

Honey, look, we tried.
We tried as hard as we...

You guys will
get through this.

Marriage is not something
to get through, Topanga!

That's not why
I got married.

Oh, God.
No, God. Oh, God.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm...

Your daddy and I...

Maybe we just got
married too young.

Jed!

Not you.

This has nothing
to do with you.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Now, remember, we are
not here as a couple.

I'll sit with you, I may dance
with you, but we are not together.

I know. I know. You reminded
me three times in the car.

Don't worry. The only
feelings I have for you

are friendly feelings.

Okay,
but it's a wedding.

I don't want you getting
all sappy on me.

Oh, come on.

Am I the sappy type?

Oh, Morgan's a flower girl.
Gimme a kiss.

I'm really gonna
miss you, Mr. Feeny.

Oh, I'll miss you,
too, my boy.

But I'll be back from
Aruba in two weeks.

Yeah, I'm, uh, thinking of
doing some traveling myself.

Oh, no, don't worry.
I'm not going to Aruba.

I love you, Mr. Feeny.

I love you, too, Eric.

I'll see you
when I get back.

Yeah.
I'll see you.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYS)

We are gathered
here today

to join this couple
in holy matrimony,

which is
an honorable estate.

George and Lila
have chosen

to express their love
in their own words.

Quietly, I have searched for
love for much of my life.

And now that I begin this
marriage of our spirits,

I realize how
incredibly lucky I am

to have found it.

My only sadness

is that I found you
so late in life.

LILA: That we've lived our lives

spending more days
apart than together.

FEENY: But you've given me
your love and friendship,

and I promise I'll make
up for that lost time.

LILA: For marriage is based
on those things,

but friendship
most of all.

Do you, George Feeny, take Lila
Bolander as your lawful wedded wife,

to have and to hold
until death do you part?

FEENY: I do.

And do you, Lila Bolander, take George
Feeny as your lawful wedded husband,

to have and to hold
until death do you part?

LILA: I do.

With the powers vested in
me, I now pronounce you

husband and wife.

You may
kiss the bride.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello.

Oh, hey,
Mr. Rutherford.

No, no, no, I'm sorry we haven't
gotten back to you yet.

No, I don't think
July is going to work.

Yeah, I guess we're
still thinking about it.

Yeah.

Okay, thank you.