05x16 - Torn Between Two Lovers (Feeling Like a Fool)

[bunniefuu]

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

You and Topanga can't
be apart like this.

It's giving me
a heart att*ck.

Shawn, I didn't even
do anything, okay?

I meet one other girl,
I talk to her,

and I get a little
thank you note.

Cory, she wrote you the most
passionate love letter I've ever read

that didn't start
with "Dear Shawn."

I can't control what another
person puts in a letter, Shawn.

Now, Topanga knows that.

Okay, okay, it's been
raining for seven days.

How do you
explain that?

Warm air meets
a low-pressure system?

Wrong. It's raining
because God is crying.

And he's crying because
he created you and Topanga

to be the role model of the perfect
couple for the entire universe.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

You know, Shawn,
Topanga's angry at me.

What are you
so upset about?

Because,
you know, someday,

after a slew of
meaningless relationships,

it's possible that I'm gonna
want what you have.

Now, how can I want
what you have

if you don't have it?

I want you to
still have it.

Shawn, I didn't do anything,
okay. I fell off a bus.

I sat on a couch.
I talked to some girl.

I didn't write that letter,
and she kissed me.

Cory, a guy can do no better
than Topanga Lawrence.

Yeah, I know that.

Then be at Chubbie's
after school.

He lied to me.

He lied to me about staying up
all night with Lauren.

Strike one.

All they did was talk.

He lied to me
about kissing her.

Strike two.

All they did
was talk and kiss.

I read the letter, Shawn.
She's crazy about him.

Because she knows
what you know, Topanga.

A girl can do no better
than Cory Matthews.

You're a good friend, Shawn,

and I think it's great what you're
trying to do for Cory, but...

I'm not just
doing this for Cory.

What?

(GRUNTING)

You're my friend, Topanga.

You're one of
the two best people I know.

Who's first?

He is.

But you and me are the two
best things in his life.

Who's first?

You are.

Please let him tell you that some
girl named Lauren came on to him,

and it was flattering,
but it didn't mean anything.

And he's never gonna see her
again for the rest of his life.

Talk to him, Topanga.

Where?

Chubbie's.
After school.

Will you be there?

You know, I'm actually
a little bit nervous.

Don't be nervous. She's
about to forgive you, Cory.

Nothing can go wrong.

Yeah, but it's kind of like
a first date, you know?

I mean, I wonder
what she'll be wearing.

Hi.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God. She's wearing
a Lauren costume.

Cory.

What are you doing here?

I just spent four hours
on the bus, Cory.

Can you give me
something better than,

"What are you
doing here?"

You have to leave.

Sweet talker.

No wonder I couldn't
stop thinking about you.

Lauren, listen,
I'm meeting someone here,

and really, I don't
mean to be rude, but...

Get out! Get out! You, get out!

Cory, if you want
me to leave, I will.

But I needed
to see you.

You never answered my letter, and
I needed to know if what we had

was just because
of the fireplace

and the mountains
and the sky.

All right, listen, toots.
May I call you toots?

What you had was,
"You, get out!"

(SCOFFS)

Lauren, I'm meeting
Topanga here, okay?

And I don't want her
to see us together.

Can't always get
what you want.

Strike three.

Topanga,
I'm sorry,

it didn't mean what it
sounded like, okay?

I had no idea
she was gonna be here.

She came all this way
to talk to you, and...

If you feel that
you need to talk to her,

then that's what
you should do.

It's a trap.

Take Topanga and go.
Trap.

I couldn't be with somebody
who wasn't % sure.

So if you need some
time, then, yeah,

take it.

And the world as we
know it has ended.

Oh, Eric.

I just had a phone call.
I need to ask you a favor.

Oh, no problem.
Just give me your keys.

I'll mow your lawn and water
those ugly little plants.

You don't think I'd actually
let you inside my house.

(LAUGHS)

No. No, what
I'm talking about

is a lot more important
than watering plants.

Oh, look, Mr. Feeny,
don't get my hopes up

that you're actually gonna
trust me with something, okay?

I'll wash your car.
No biggie.

My citizenship class is starting a
series of practice tests this week.

Unfortunately, I have
a scheduling conflict.

I need you to proctor.

Me? Proctor?

Proctor Matthews.

You know what
proctor is?

Yeah.
It's a tushie doctor.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
I'm not gonna do that!

Maybe you better
just wash the car.

No, Mr. Feeny. No problem.
What do you want me to do?

Well, you see,
this is a class

of people from
foreign countries

who want to become
American citizens.

All I want you to do,
all...

Is pass out
the pencils and tests

and gather them
at the end of the class.

You do nothing else.

Do you understand?

All right, everybody hold
your tests up like this.

Now do this.

There will be
no test today.

Throw away the textbooks,
throw away the tests.

♪ Throw away the textbooks

You're my class now, and for
the first time in my life,

I'm the smartest guy
in the room.

Can we all just take a second
and let that sink in?

In my country,
I was a nuclear physicist.

Yeah, but, see, everybody here
starts with a clean slate.

And as your proctologist,
I'm gonna show you something.

Please don't pick me.

Pick a card,
any card you want.

You know, Topanga practically
told me to go out with Lauren.

What did she
mean by that?

She's a woman. She was
speaking to you in "womanese."

Oh, you speak
that language?

I'm conversational. I
wouldn't say I was fluent.

What I do know is that you have to
look for stuff that's not there.

And believe me, there's a
whole lot she was saying

that's not there.

What do your parents think?

I haven't told them yet.

Haven't told us what?

That I agreed to see that girl
I met up at the mountains.

Lauren.

Yeah. Order me not to see her.
Order me.

Cory, nobody loves Topanga
as much as we do,

but if you think
you really like this girl,

then you owe it to yourself and to
Topanga and Lauren to find out.

You know, a long time ago, when
your mom and I were dating,

she let me go out
with another girl.

Her name was
Teresa Lulich.

So, I went out with her just to
test my love of your mother.

I never let you go out
with any Teresa Lulich.

I would never do that. We wouldn't
be together this very day.

(LAUGHING)

Actually, I'm mixing up
a couple of stories here.

Gee! What are these,
peaches?

(STUTTERS)
Where do they go?

Cory, the rest of your life,

you're gonna be presented with
opportunities and temptations.

And it's how you deal
with them that matters.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Shawn.

Oh, stop trying to
butter me up, Yoko.

I'm Lauren. I met Cory
up at the mountains.

Hi, Teresa.
Nice to meet you.

Are you kidding me?

Hi, Lauren,
nice to meet you.

Cory's told us
so much about you.

Oh! What is this?

(STUTTERING) Oaties.

You know what goes
good with Oaties?

Peaches.
You know where they are?

They're right over here.

I told my parents how you took
care of me up at the lodge,

how, you know, we stayed
up and talked all night.

That's why
I needed to see you.

I don't think we really
finished talking.

I hope it's okay.

Shawn, don't be mad at me.

I would never
hurt your friend.

What's she
really saying?

She's saying
she wouldn't hurt you.

Ready?

Yeah. Mom, Dad.

Have a good time.

Have a time.

Shawn?

Lauren?

Shawn?

Have him home
by midnight.

Not a minute after.

I like her.

I like her.

I like her, too.

So you want to live
in a cottage, huh?

Yeah.
A little wood house.

That's all I want.

That's it?

You don't want a big brick
house in the suburbs

with walk-in closets and a
skylight over the Jacuzzi?

Who would want
any of that?

Nobody.

No, just, want to be
in love with someone

and maybe have
some kids someday.

Do you want to
have kids?

Yeah, but I have to
be home by midnight.

No, I do.

So, I'm not the wild and reckless
guy you thought I was, huh?

It's not what I'm looking for.
I've met too many of them.

All talk, nothing real.
Slick and boring.

Yeah, Topanga always says
the reason that I...

Sorry.

It's okay. She's a big
part of your life.

Yeah, she is.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

It's raining.

Here, let's get
inside somewhere.

No, no, no, no.
Let's not.

(STUTTERING) But I'm
not the kind of guy

who stands out in the rain without
the appropriate outerwear.

Here, let me keep
you warm and dry.

So, you got any film
you need developed?

I love the rain!

Yeah. I do, too, now.

You do?

'Cause I got your rain
right here.

(EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHING)

Good, good. Tell you what.
You can dry your hair off.

Come here.

You're worried about
something, aren't you?

Yeah.

Aren't you
having fun with me?

That's what
I'm worried about.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

I had a good time.

Cory, you're soaking wet.

I went out with Lauren.
We had fun.

I had fun with
a girl who isn't Topanga.

You got a tough choice
to make here.

We are going to decide
this scientifically.

Hand me those
jelly beans over there.

(CLEARS THROAT)

First off, personality.
Which girl makes you laugh?

We're not gonna decide the rest of
my life with jelly beans, Shawn.

Then who is going to decide the
rest of your life, Cory, you?

Okay, but don't use the red ones.
I want to eat those.

Who makes you laugh?

Topanga makes me laugh.

But, you know,
Lauren makes me laugh, too.

All right, which girl would you
rather have deep conversations with?

Well, I mean, I can talk
to Topanga about anything.

But I like
talking to Lauren also.

All right.

Honesty. You can trust her.
Very key. Very key.

Well, Topanga's the most
honest person I've ever met.

Well, that's a double beaner,
and I'm gonna use red.

But Lauren has been honest with me,
Shawn, from the very beginning.

Okay.

Okay, now I'm gonna ask you
a very important question.

Who's got the better...
You know.

Who's got the perfume going?
Who do you see yourself...

(GRUNTING)

Oh, you mean...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Well, there's only
one Topanga,

and she's got
the "Huh-huh-huh"

with the "ra-ra" and
the "hockity-hockity."

Oh, yeah.

But there's nothing like
being inside Lauren's Jacket.

What?

Just pour the beans.

It's a tie.

You like Lauren as much
as you like Topanga,

and you can't live
without either of them.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

No. No, this was
a good idea.

Shawn, yeah,
I like Lauren.

I like spending time
with her.

But I can
live without her.

I can't live
without Topanga.

It's no contest.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

All right,
Raj, your turn.

What do you got, babe?

I'm lucky enough
to have picked an ace.

Ooh!

An ace. Okay,
category is pop culture.

Pop culture.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective launched the
career of funny movie man Jim Carrey.

Very nice.

Do nothing!

I said all I wanted
you to do was nothing.

Just watch them
take the test.

Oh, no tests.
Tore them up.

You what?

I understand
what you were doing.

You were testing me,
to see if I had initiative.

You think
I should be a teacher.

No, I don't!

I just wanted you
to pass out the test.

And what has Ace Ventura got to do
with United States citizenship?

Eric, for the love of God.

Mr. Feeny, if you don't mind, I'm in
the middle of teaching a class, okay?

Minh, your turn.
Come on.

I have a king.

Let me guess.
King Kong.

Don King.

Donkey Kong King.

Okay, those were all good
answers, weren't they?

Except for
the Donkey Kong King.

Look, Mr. Feeny,
you can't play.

You're already
a citizen, okay?

All right, Minh,
you're holding a king.

Category is
civil rights.

"I have a dream that my four little
children will live in a nation

"where they will not be judged
by the color of their skin

"but by the content of their
character." Dr. Martin Luther King.

Well, I must say,
although unorthodox,

I'm very impressed with your
teaching methods, Mr. Matthews.

Well, thank you, Mr. Feeny. That
means a lot coming from you.

You know, Mr. Feeny, all of
us from different backgrounds

are like
cards in deck.

RAJIV: Some cards are red,
some cards are black,

some are kings and queens, and
some are sixes and sevens.

But without even one of them,
the deck of cards doesn't work,

and that's what Mr. Matthews
says is America.

Topanga. Hi.

I'm glad you're here.
Sit, sit.

I want to tell you
everything that happened.

Okay, I went out
with Lauren,

and I'm not gonna lie to
you, we had a great time.

Well, Lauren's
a nice girl, Cory.

I knew you'd have fun.

Yeah, but I didn't know
I was allowed to.

See, when I
first met Lauren,

she was the first girl
besides you

that I ever thought
I could like.

And that made me feel bad because I
thought if I liked another girl,

it somehow meant
that I liked you less.

I'm sorry you felt bad.
No, no, no.

But it was good that
I went through this,

because it taught me
that liking someone else

could never, ever take
away from loving you.

And I don't have to be afraid of
what I feel about anybody else,

because I know that it could
never take away from loving you.

And I always will.

And I know that
completely now.

You know that now?

Yeah.

Is there anything else
you have to tell me?

Love you completely, know
that now, always will...

No, that's it. So, listen, can
you put me in your jacket,

because I only want
to be in your jacket.

Cory, I can't
see you anymore.

What?

Do you have any idea
how many guys hit on me?

What are you
talking about?

I never needed to
test my feelings for you.

I moved away from my parents in
Pittsburgh to be close to you.

Ever since
we were little kids,

I felt like I belonged
with you and...

I would've given you
everything, Cory.

Topanga...

I'm so sorry.

I forgive you.

I forgive you
for lying at the lodge,

I forgive you
for kissing her,

and I forgive you for the
letter, which I read.

I know how intimately
she felt about you.

But that you needed
to see her

to test how you felt
about me...

I don't forgive
you for that, Cory.

No. No! You told me
to see her, Topanga!

You told me
to see how I felt.

And you listened.

Topanga, what's up?

It's gonna be okay.

No. No, it won't.

"We the People
of the United States,

"in order to form
a more perfect union,

"establish justice, ensure
domestic tranquility..."

"Secure the blessings
of liberty

"to ourselves
and our posterity,

"do ordain and establish
this constitution

"for the United States
of America."

"We hold these truths
to be self-evident,

"that all men
are created equal,

"and they are endowed
by their creator

"with certain
unalienable rights,

"that among these

"are life, liberty, and
the pursuit of happiness."

I never understood why anybody would
want to be a teacher until now.

That's because you're seeing
your students succeed and grow

right in front
of your eyes.

Makes you feel
so proud to know

you made a difference in somebody's
life, doesn't it, Mr. Feeny?

Yes, it does, my boy.
Indeed it does.