05x03 - It's Not You ... It's Me

[bunniefuu]

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

And that, Mr. Hunter,
is how babies are made.

I still don't
believe him.

Before I forget, next Friday
will be college recruitment day.

Representatives will be here
from USC, NYU and Rutgers.

(BELL RINGS)

And Mr. Matthews,
your interview with Stanford

has been rescheduled
from : to : .

Stanford?
What's that all about?

It's just an interview.
It's nothing from nothing.

Cory.

When we were little kids,
you promised me

that we'd go to the
same college together.

Did I say that?

Yes, and you also told me that
if I graduated high school,

you'd take me to Vermont to
watch the leaves change.

Right, Vermont.
October. Write it down.

You know I could never
get into Stanford.

Well, Stanford's just one of the
many schools I'm applying to, Shawn.

I'm also applying
to Wisconsin, Penn.

(GASPS)

Wisconsin and Penn?

We never
discussed those.

Well, it doesn't have to be
Wisconsin or Penn, Shawnie.

It can be a school from your list.
What's on your list?

You want to know
what's on my list?

Number one, I don't need a list
because my best friend Cory

wouldn't apply to any school
that I couldn't get into.

Your list makes
me feel bad.

Shawn...
You know, it's early.

I have no idea
what my plans are.

Oh, interesting. Your plans.
Not our plans. Hmm.

Don't you take that tone
with me, Shawn Hunter.

I'm not taking any tone.

If you want to go to college at
Stanford, then go. In fact, go now.

Give you plenty of time to start
making your new college friends.

But I don't want
to make new friends.

You know what? Maybe I should start
making new friends, too, huh?

But I don't want you
to make new friends.

Well, you need to, Cory.

What did you think? That I
was always going to be here?

Is that what
you thought?

Well, I'm not.

Shawn, what about Vermont?
I put down a deposit.

Shawn, I think
we need to talk.

No. Everything's fine.

Our little conversation this
morning was very helpful

in making me realize that
our entire relationship

has been nothing
more than a lie!

Move along,
move along.

Just a couple of seniors
rehearsing a little playlet.

Don't you think you're being a
little dramatic about this?

Dramatic?
Perhaps a little.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm
going to go look out the window.

I paid a skywriter
a lot of money

to write "Cory, I hate
you" in the clouds.

Shawn.

Cory, are you sure that
you and Shawn are okay?

Oh, we're just fine.

He just spent
a lot of money on me.

I think he
needs to vent.

See, that's the beauty of our
relationship, Topanga, you know?

I mean,
it's rock solid, baby.

(EXCLAIMS)

Who are you and what are
you doing in my seat?

His name is Andy.

Who's Andy?

He's my new...

Best friend?

Friend.

Cory, we agreed that we were going
to go out and meet new people.

I'm not making
you happy?

No, Cory, it's...

It's not you,
okay? It's me.

And right now
I just need my space.

But we're
still friends?

Right now, I don't
know what we are.

Give me my space.

He's got a new
best friend.

You're jealous.
It's so cute.

No, no, no.
I'm not jealous.

But two can play at
this game, girlfriend.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Lionel.

I know who you are.

Grapes?
I'd love some.

I'm taking
another boy's grapes.

Okay, first
college paper.

Playing with
the big boys.

Ten thousand words.
Word number one.

I want my mommy!

(LAUGHS) That's three words.

Come on, Eric. You had three
weeks to write this paper.

You don't make fun
of my learning disability!

You have
a learning disability?

I would think so.

Hey, wait. What did you
write yours about?

Well, all right.

Ooh, a laptop.
For your lap.

Here it is.
Ten thousand words.

A perfectly crafted essay
on my summer in China

working with
paleontologists.

(RAZZES)

What?

Your first college paper,
you're writing about

what you did on
your summer vacation.

I uncovered
dinosaur fossils.

You got pictures?
No.

Then you got nothing.

I think it's
pretty good.

You don't get it.
We're in college now.

We're being judged
on a whole new level.

Theories and footnotes, shades
of meaning, nuance, spelling.

Where does it end?
Where does it end?

All right!
I didn't even go!

My sister went.
She's .

I got no pictures.
And I didn't go to China.

Okay. It's okay.
It's okay.

I'm going to get us through
this, all right, my friend?

This is where
Eric Matthews shines.

How? We pull
an all-nighter?

Work together
until it's great?

I got better. We make
friends with the dean.

Cor? It's : .

You're in your pajamas.
Is everything okay?

I don't want
to talk about it.

Cory and Shawn had a fight.
Shawn dumped him.

Now, nobody got dumped.

We just agreed not to see
each other for a while.

And you believe that?

Well, someone from
school called, a Lionel.

Is that your
new boyfriend?

He's just this
guy from school.

If he calls again,
tell him I'm not home.

That's no way to treat him.
He'll dump you, too.

Hey, everybody.
Hey, Cor.

I had lunch
at Pink's today.

How come I didn't
see you there?

Why would you?

Shawn was there.

Was he alone?

No. He was with
a couple of guys.

A couple of guys.

What are you
so upset about?

Pink's was our place.

Not anymore.

Mother, make her stop.

Cory, what
is going on?

I'll tell you
what's going on.

It's two people moving in different
directions, that's what.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going in the other room

to watch Lifetime
and have a good cry.

Is everything okay
between him and Topanga?

Great. Never better.

When they kiss,
he enjoys it, right?

Let's just go home
and write our papers, man.

No, no, no, no, no.
We're not gonna have to.

You see, the beauty
of befriending the dean is

he's going to give us
an extension on the paper.

We're never going to have to do
it, or any paper thereafter.

We're actually never going
to have to do any real work

until we graduate, get
jobs, befriend our bosses,

get married,
befriend our wives.

Please, man, I just want to go to college.
I just want to do the work.

Hey, I like you too much
to let you do that.

Oh, thanks, man.
Hey.

Oh, Dean?
Not now.

Okay.
Hey, hey, hey.

He's gonna love us.

Oh, Dean?

You don't listen,
do you?

Jack, bow.
What?

Bow your head.

Sir, we'd actually
just like to discuss

with you a paper
that we're writing

and perhaps even establish
the type of relationship

I had with my former
mentor, Mr. Feeny.

You know the kind of
people that have mentors?

People who can't think for themselves.
Weak people.

You're in college
now, buddy boy.

The big leagues.
The show.

I've got over ,
students in this university,

and each one of them lined
up to kiss my dean butt,

looking for
an easy way.

But I'm going to
tell you something.

The only easy way
is the hard way.

You don't say much,
pretty boy.

I'm very scared, sir.

Good. That's how
I became the dean.

We are so in.

Cory, I know you and Shawn are
having some problems right now.

I don't think this is the
time to bring him up.

Did you know that Lionel has a
really wonderful singing voice?

Cory, come here. I want
to tell you something.

Did you enjoy that?

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, good.
Now listen to me.

Being a senior is
a very scary time.

We have a lot of decisions
we need to make.

Yeah, I know that.
Okay.

And you're probably going to have
your choice of schools to go to

all over the country.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean Shawn
has to be upset with me for that.

He's not.

He's just afraid
that his best friend

is moving on and
leaving him behind.

You know, you're right. I mean,

he's probably off somewhere
alone, miserable.

He's in denial.

Three guys.
I'm only with Lionel.

Cory, talk to him.

Shawn?

Boys.

Well, this certainly
appears to be a lot more

than just giving
each other space.

Cory, we agreed that we were
going to make new friends.

No, you agreed. I was perfectly
happy with the way things were.

Then explain him!

His name is Lionel.

We met today, and we are
getting along just famously

because I'm young, Hunter, I'm
vital, and I have a lot to offer.

Yeah, well,
so do I.

The difference is
I have the dignity

to keep my friendships
personal and private,

not parade them around in public
for your twisted amusement.

You little punk!

You dirty man!

Cat fight.

(YELLS)

Face it, Matthews.

Our friendship never made any
sense in the first place.

You're right. Why?

Because we're different.
You're college. I'm townie.

It was only a matter of time
before that caught up with us.

Then let's end it now before it
lasts any longer than it did.

No! Now.

Come on, boys.

Cory, why do I
have to be here?

Lionel, it's no secret
that Shawn and I

went through a pretty
brutal breakup.

Now, things
could get ugly.

And if a punch gets thrown,
well, I need you to take it.

I will do that for you.

Okay, great.

Now, knowing Shawn
and how vindictive he is,

he probably has no intention
of giving me my stuff back.

Where does it end?

Shawn? I know
you're in there.

Not answering. He must be hurting.
Gosh, I'm loving this.

Kirk, it's about time... Oh.

It's you. I'm having a party.
What?

(LAUGHS) Yeah.
A party, right.

That certainly
is some shindig.

Yeah, you know. Just
pounding down some sodas,

swapping a few stories
with some close friends.

Close friends?
You hardly know them.

Exactly. So if they leave, who cares?
Get out, all of you!

Now get back
in there!

You see, no emotional
attachment, nobody gets hurt.

That's my kind
of friendship, baby.

So, this is it.

I guess so.

Well, it's been
a fun run.

It has been.

Hey. Remember the time we ate
cake in the Paramus mall?

Cory, please don't. No emotion.
It's too hard.

Have a nice, you know...
Whatever.

I don't hate you.

Just go.

Lionel,
we're through here.

Lionel? Lionel.

If you guys ever
play basketball,

make sure there's
plenty of water around

because Cory
tends to dehydrate.

Lionel.

And let him win once in a while.
He likes that.

And, Lionel, never
eat cake in Paramus.

That's ours.

Dean Borack!

Dean Borack!

Look, I was a very good
student in high school.

I can write this paper.
I'm going home.

Fine, go.
High school boy.

What was that about?

What? Nothing.
Didn't mean a thing.

Just that high school was a very
important time in your life.

Probably the best years
you're ever going to have.

You won a few spelling bees,
you took out the prom queen,

you peaked early.
Good for you.

Dean Borack!

Huh?

Hello, Dean. Eric Matthews.
My chum Jack.

I was wondering if you could put
on a pot of coffee, invite us in,

and perhaps we could discuss
the extension on our papers.

We brought a babka.

A babka?

You bums think you're going to buy
me off with a stinking babka?

Hildy.

We're going to
meet his daughter.

You're going to
meet my Doberman.

Make no mistake about it, boys,
I am a nasty, nasty man.

(DOG BARKING)

Leave the babka.

SHAWN: Mr. Feeny?

Mr. Feeny!
(DOOR OPENS)

I was expecting you. Today,
tomorrow, yesterday.

It was only
a matter of time.

Look, Mr. Feeny.
This is my roommate, Jack.

Why doesn't he
look at me?

I'm afraid, sir.

Mr. Feeny, we're
both scared, okay?

Tomorrow we've got to hand
in our first college paper.

What if they find out we're
nothing more than fakes?

Gentlemen, getting accepted into
college is not a random act.

You both were accepted
on your merits.

And by virtue of that
alone, you belong.

Now, what's the topic
of your paper?

It's an open assignment. You can
write on anything you want.

No rules, no guidelines,
no parameters.

It doesn't even
have to be in English.

You're kidding, right?

Hmm? No.

Okay, well, the best
advice I can give you

is to write about
something personal.

Perhaps about the
anxiety you're feeling.

Yes. That's it!

The anxiety.
Mr. Feeny!

Feeny and Eric back together again.
Just like the old days.

I make you
look so good.

What about you?

I was thinking of handing
in a paper I wrote

about uncovering dinosaur
fossils in China.

You got pictures?

Then you got nothing.

Mr. Feeny. I got a message
you wanted to see me.

You have two extra tickets
to Sunday's Eagles game.

Hey, Mr. Feeny. I heard you had an
academic achievement award for me?

You!
You!

Sting!
Sting!

Oh, sit down!

Mr. Feeny, why are you
doing this to us?

I asked him
to see you.

(BOTH GASP)

Topanga!
Topanga!

You won't listen to me. You
won't listen to each other.

Maybe you'll listen
to Mr. Feeny.

Well, it hasn't
happened yet.

But I'll take a sh*t at it.
Okay, who wants to start?

I have nothing to say.

Me neither.

Okay, that was
my best sh*t.

What? Mr. Feeny, these
people are about ready

to throw away
years of friendship,

and you call that your best sh*t?
Shame on you. Shame.

I show up. I teach. Why
isn't that enough? Why?

Look, Mr. Feeny, let's not
waste anyone's time, okay?

Cory and I,
we broke up.

It should have
happened sooner.

But we stayed
together for the kids.

In the class.

You two have been the best of
friends for as long as I know you.

Now, when did
this problem start?

His problem started
the day he met me.

You didn't think I was good enough
for you since the day you met me.

The day he met me.

Met me.

(CHILDREN GIGGLING)

Hey!

Want to have
lunch with me?

I don't think
I should.

Those guys say that you live in a
trailer park and I shouldn't like you.

Oh, well. If you want to have lunch
with me, I'll be right here.

Hey, Topanga.
Look, I'm a llama.

Look, I'm a...
Whoa! Whoa!

Cory, I told you not
to play by the llamas!

YOUNG CORY:
Help! Help!

Somebody, help!

Help!

Help!

Hey, thanks for pulling
me out of the llama pen.

It was fun.

My name's Cory.
I'm Shawn.

Hi. I'm Topanga.

The wife.

I'm sorry I didn't have lunch with you.
My friends were wrong.

They're not even
my friends.

I'll be your friend.

Really?

Just promise me
when we grow up,

you won't go to
college and leave me.

Okay.

Friends forever?

Forever.

Stop it.
You're boys.

Stop it.
You're boys.

Thank you for pulling me
out of the llama pen.

Thank you for having
lunch with me.

Oh, here we go.

Cory, I want you to go to the
best college you can get into.

We'll be best friends all our
lives, no matter where you go.

And I should have been more
aware of your insecurities

and how sensitive
you can be.

Do you think
I'm sensitive?

I do.

You know what, Cor? I'm
going to work real hard.

So whatever college you get into,
I'll be right there with you.

You mean it?

I've never meant anything
more in my whole life.

Okay, stop it!

Okay.

We still all have to be
ready for the possibility

we may end up in
different places.

And that's why we have to
make our senior year together

the best year
of our lives.

I mean, I applied to
the University of Miami...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're going to Miami?

You know,
I did tell you that.

If you didn't listen,
that's not my fault.

No, Topanga, you never
mentioned anything...

You two.
Sit down.

Well, it all started the day she
was nagging me by the llama pit.

I don't nag!
Ah!

Hi, Dean.

It's about time, sir.

How did you get in here? It's after hours.
This building is locked.

You're trespassing,
you know that?

You're violating my
personal property.

I could have you
both shock-therapied.

Look, Dean. We really
need that extension.

In my entire
-year dean career,

which spans five colleges
on three continents,

including China...

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

(CHUCKLING)

Okay, just
bought us a month.

You speak Chinese?

I do.

Cool. All right.
Let's celebrate.

Dean's house?

And insult him by
going anywhere else?