03x15 - The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

[bunniefuu]

See, Dana,
that's why you're such a great kisser.

How do you mean?

Well, you know, a lot of girls trap
both lips in this vacuumy-suction thing

and, you know,
then your mouth caves in,

you've gotta break the seal
before your lungs pop.

It sounds like you know
an awful lot about kissing.

Well, I've done
some random sampling.

Purely for scientific reasons.

- Kissing research?
- I don't mind if I do.

I really like you, Dana Pruitt.

- I like you too, Shawn.
- So when's our second date?

I'm doing volunteer work
for the blood drive this week.

We could work
the sign-up booth together.

Not really my thing.

It's like my dad always says, "Only
volunteer if they'll reduce your sentence."

Well, maybe sometime
we could go on a picnic.

Eat outside? Why?

Just two people sitting on a blanket,

really listening
to what the other has to say.

I love picnics.

Do you?

No. Sorry.

How about we get back
to what we do best?

You sure put a lot
of emphasis on kissing.

I just really like it.

Yeah, that's what I've heard.

Shawn, I don't think a second date is such
a good idea, but thanks for tonight.

You're welcome.

What just happened here?

Shawn.

- Needless to say, I'm a little upset.
- You're always upset.

Well, more than usual.

You see, this morning
I'm having breakfast with Janitor Bud.

Janitor Bud?

I owed him.

And, you know, we're talking,

and it comes up that last night
you were out with Dana Pruitt.

Yeah, I went out with Dana. So?

So, first of all, you don't tell me, and
second of all, Dana Pruitt is a very nice girl.

Yeah. Very nice.

Shawn, a nice girl like that
can ruin your reputation.

I mean, Janitor Bud and I were shocked.

Wow.

- And Bud's seen dead bodies.
- I'm saying!

So, what was it like
going out with a nice girl?

Cor, I'm not the type of guy that
talks about the women I go out with.

Yeah, you are. Where you been?
I mean, if it wasn't for your stories

and the little pictures you draw me,
I would know nothing.

Well, I don't wanna talk about Dana.

And don't ask me to draw her.

You must really like this girl.

I like all girls.
And so far they've all liked me.

- Morning, Cory.
- Dana.

Shawn, could I have a word
with you in private?

Yeah, sure. I'll be right over.

Ooh, in private. What could this be?

Well, she probably wants to finish
what we started last night.

So if I'm late for class,
fall asleep without me.

Oh, hey, Mr. Williams, I want to
talk to you about my journalism paper.

All right. Another episode of
Eric Matthews' Excuse Theater. All right.

Let me guess. Let me guess.

You fell behind on your car payments

and they repossessed
your paper by mistake, huh?

- Wait, wait, Eli, Eli. Let me play.
- All right, come on.

OK. OK.

I'm seeing a pet, right?

Lying by a road, huh?
With your term paper in its mouth.

That's funny. No, look.

Now, I'm not gonna try to snow you.
I know I deserve what I got,

but I'm trying to turn things around
so I can get into college.

- Study.
- Come on, I'm being serious.

Hey, Eli, what about that
news internship at the station?

- Why don't you let him apply?
- Wait a sec, there's an internship?

Yeah, hands-on experience,
extra credits...

What? At a real TV station?
That's so cool.

- Sign me up, Mr. Williams.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Eric.

There's only one spot available.
There's gonna be a lot of competition.

"A" students.
You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know, and they're all gonna
cancel each other out. I'm a lock!

Thank you, Mr. Williams.
It's a great suggestion, Mr. Turner.

Great suggestion, Mr. Turner.

- What? It can't hurt to let him take a sh*t.
- Hey, I know these people.

They're gonna scrutinize every application,
look at grades, SAT scores...

Oh, come on. What, are you kidding me?
It's television.

He's a lock.

- So?
- Cor.

I got a surprising little problem
with the Dana situation.

What? She wants another date with you
and you don't know how to let her down?

She wants another date,
but with another guy.

It's probably some pumped up
pretty-boy jock, you know.

- It's you.
- Huh.

I was right.

No. No, I can't, Shawn.
I mean, you asked her out first.

No, no, no, no.
This could be good for you.

She's great, funny,

sexy penmanship.

- Does she have little hearts over the i's?
- Yeah.

- I love that.
- Who doesn't?

So, listen, you know...
Feel free, go for it.

- Are you sure about this?
- Yeah.

You know, I'm sure I'm not
gonna be alone for long.

Hey, Rosie, Gina.

These are the girls
I should be going out with anyway.

Yes, but, Morgan,
how do we really know

that the light bulb goes out
when you close the door?

Why don't you get in there and find out?

Morgan, time for bed.

I can't. I'm baby-sitting Shawn.

Morgan, you're the only one
in this house with their own bedroom.

- Why don't you ever use it?
- 'Cause life is short.

So are you. Go to bed.

Shawn, I don't know if you're aware,
but Cory, who's actually related to us,

left after dinner, so we wouldn't
be offended if you did the same.

Thanks, but I'm fine.
You know, I figure I've waited three hours,

I might as well wait a couple more minutes
for Cory to come back from his date.

I'm sure he's gonna want
to talk about it, buddy to buddy.

OK, Shawn.
Well, then we'll just go to sleep.

Buddy to buddy.

Why don't we adopt him?
Get the tax deduction.

Hello.

You come waltzing in here after nine
and all I get is "hello?"

Hello...

...sailor?

- Better.
- What are you doing here?

Oh. Oh, sure,
make me out to be the bad guy.

Look Shawn, just because my mom
served us maybe the driest turkey ever

doesn't mean you have to get mad at me.

It's not about the stinking turkey.

Which I'm still chewing, by the way.

How was your date with Dana?

- It was a date.
- Oh, come on, I give you more than that.

Look, Shawn, if you want to know
if I kissed her, the answer's no.

Well, you know,
that's OK, that's OK.

- So... so do you like her?
- Yeah, she's fine.

No, come on, I mean on a scale of one
to ten, how much do you like Dana Pruitt?

Ten being Topanga on your first date and
one being the lunchroom lady in a thong.

- Seven.
- Good. Now, on a scale of one to ten...

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute, Shawn...

I've never seen you act like this.
Are you fluey?

I've got a little tickle,
but I don't think that's what it is.

You know, I think you're coming down
with a bad case of Dana.

I don't know, Cor.

All I know is that all through the dry turkey,
knowing you were going out with Dana,

I kept just wanting
to take the carving Kn*fe,

and s*ab you in the head.

No offense.

Um, good. I'm still here.

- So it's OK if I ask her out?
- I'll s*ab you in the head if you don't.

You're good people.

Hey, Artie.

It's Arthur.

- I hear we're up for the same internship.
- Eric.

I want to save you the embarrassment.

I'm a straight-A student. My documentaries
have garnered multiple film-festival honors

and I have a letter
of recommendation from Ted Turner.

Your point?

I could walk in without pants
and get this job.

I've seen you in gym class, Arthur.
Wear pants.

- Hey, Shawn.
- Hey, Dana, good to see you.

So are you here to sign up
for the blood drive?

- Way ahead of you. Blood.
- Where did you get this?

Well, I went down to my Uncle Louie's
butcher shop this morning.

Shawn, we're collecting human blood.

It's human.
No, no, no, from his arms.

See, he gives all the time.
He didn't even know I took it.

Thanks for thinking of me.

Yeah, there's a couple of pork chops
in there for you too.

That's great, it gives me
a head start on the pork-chop drive.

It's nice being here talking, isn't it?

I swear, I could be happy
talking to you all day.

- Well, what would we talk about?
- Um...

I...

- So how was your date with Cory?
- Oh, we had the best time. He's so sweet.

Really? That's cool. That's cool, 'cause
Cory told me he had a good time too.

- So why didn't you kiss him?
- Well, you know, it was a first date.

Why rush things?

But you kissed me on the first date.

Yeah, but it's different with you.

How am I different from Cory?

Honestly?

Cory's the type of guy
that could turn into a boyfriend.

And you're real cute and everything,
Shawn, but face it,

with your reputation, you're just...

What? You can tell me.

You're not boyfriend material.

(Cory) So she really said
you're not boyfriend material?

I really liked her.

I'm surprised, 'cause she seems like
the type of girl that would end up with me.

What are you saying?
I can't end up with nice girls?

No, no. Calm down, my Shawn.

I mean, I would love to go out with
some of the girls you go out with.

But I can't,
'cause I'm stuck being the nice guy,

and all those girls want from me
is directions to you.

- What do you mean by "those girls?"
- You know,

sexy, hot, flashy...

The kind of girls I've never
gone out with in my life.

Except one time.

Hello, flashy.

That's OK, Cory.
I'm happy to be thought of as a nice girl.

- Yeah, yeah, nice girl. Have a seat.
- Look, Shawn,

if this has anything to do with Dana Pruitt,
I don't have all the information yet.

I've only been in the bathroom
three times this morning.

So, Topanga, as the hottest and perhaps
flashiest girl of the nice-girl camp,

would you ever consider
going out with Shawn?

Well, he'd have to ask me.

Topanga, would you ever
consider going out with me?

No.

Well, why wouldn't you go out with me?

- You want the truth?
- Yeah, I want the truth.

- You couldn't handle the truth.
- I could handle the truth.

He could handle the truth.

- No, he couldn't.
- Give him the truth.

And you'll take responsibility
for how he feels about it?

Absolutely.

You don't understand women.
You don't know what we are,

you don't know how we feel
and you don't know what we think.

You see us as dating objects and
the faster we are the more you want us.

And until you can grow up
and see beyond that,

no matter how many girls you go out with,
you will always be lonely.

You let her say that to me?

She's lying.

Shawn, look at yourself.
You go from girl to girl

and that makes anyone who'd even
consider a relationship with you afraid.

- Afraid of what?
- Of getting hurt.

Every girl thinks you'll
eventually get bored and move on.

Wow.

They know.

Arthur, thanks for coming down.

Very impressive. I don't know whether
to offer you the intern job or my job.

That's quite a compliment, Miss Cannon.

It would be an honor just to work
with a news director of your caliber.

And you have my résumé.

I'll finish it over the weekend.

"Boxboy at Daddy's store."

"Head boxboy."

What if they check?

- Eric.
- Arthur.

(Arthur snickers)

Excuse me, ma'am.
I believe I have an interview.

- And you are?
- Eric Matthews.

There really is an Eric Matthews?

So that résumé that Eli
sent over wasn't a jo...

Come on in anyway.

And so,

had press coverage into
the private lives of past politicians

been as invasive as it is today,

such men as Franklin Roosevelt,

John Kennedy,

might never have been elected president.

Mr. Feeny, would you consider
John Kennedy a great president?

Well, his time in office was short,
but, yes, he accomplished a great deal.

And, now, the fact
that he was a babe magnet

didn't make him any less great, did it?

In a lot of people's eyes, it did, Shawn.

- Less of a husband, less of a leader.
- (girls) Yeah!

Well, I think we've heard from the women.
What do you think, Mr. Hunter?

Well, all I know is that it's not easy
for a guy to change who he is.

(boys) Yeah.

Whoa, steady.
Whoa, whoa, steady, steady.

- You can't change if you don't try.
- I can't try unless you give me a chance.

- Mr. Hunter, you have spurred a debate.
- Yeah, fine. When's detention?

No, no, no, it's a good thing.
I like to hear your opinions.

In fact, I would like to hear everyone's
in an essay due tomorrow.

(all groan)

(bell)

(gasps)

You know, Miss Cannon,
your office is mighty, mighty hot.

And it was mighty,
mighty nice to meet you.

- I'm not gonna get this internship, am I?
- Well, everyone has a chance.

Really?

Oh, don't do this to me.

This just in!
Eric Matthews is a huge loser.

- Why is he a loser?
- Oh.

Sorry, I didn't know anybody else was here.
I'll get out of your way and let you clean.

- I got plenty of time to clean.
- Oh, here.

Were you here for the internship?

Yep. And I blew it.

Aw.

- How do you know?
- 'Cause I wasn't myself.

Oh, man, I really wanted this job.

- Why?
- Wh...

'Cause what could be more exciting
than working in TV? I mean,

all those straight-A guys want
is something to put on their résumé.

You know, they don't get it here,
they'll get it someplace else,

but this is everything to me.

You know,
Miss Cannon doesn't know this,

but I'd do that job so much better
than any of them 'cause I need it more.

- Did you tell her that?
- No, I was too busy choking.

I just choked in front of the most
important person at the station.

- No, you didn't.
- Oh, yeah, I did.

I mean, I was sweating so much in there
my shoes started to squish.

No. No, I meant she's not the most
important person at the station.

I am.

Hey, pal, I know coffee's
really important and everything, but...

- Pat Darby, station manager.
- Where?

Right here.
Shaking the hand of our new intern.

See you Monday.
Be yourself or I'll fire you.

Oh, oh. Oh, yes, sir.

Thank you so much, sir.
Thank you so much. I'll be here.

One thing, real quick, one thing.
Before I go home and tell my parents,

do you have, like,
a business card and a photo ID?

Shawn, look, don't let what
Topanga said bother you, OK?

I mean, if I listened
to everything Topanga told me...

...You guys would still be together.

Then what are you listening to me for?

- Mr. Turner, see what you can do with this.
- You wanna fill me in, Matthews?

- Yeah. Dana Pruitt.
- Nice girl.

- Shawn Hunter.
- Oh.

OK, now you're up to speed,
my work here is done.

Wish me luck, I'm going back
out in the blizzard with one mitten.

Godspeed to me.

Hey, Shawn.

- You OK?
- I really like Dana, John.

And I'm pretty sure that she likes me,
but she's afraid to get involved with me.

- Ah, the Hunter reputation, huh?
- And I used to be so proud of it.

Wow, Shawn, the only thing you've ever
worked on, it blows up in your face.

I lost my other mitten now.

Isn't that something?
Don't mind me, I'll just look.

I mean, what was I thinking even
asking out a girl like Dana Pruitt?

Because you liked her and obviously
she meant something to you.

Yeah, but what's the difference?
I mean, I know exactly where I belong.

Back with all those fast, flashy girls.

It was blue, fuzzy?

You know, Shawn, it seems to me

the people you care most about
in the world are not very fast and flashy.

Hey, look! It's the scarf
of mine I lost last year. Yes!

- You mean Cory, don't you?
- You think?

You see this guy right here?
This is your best relationship.

You guys listen to each other
and you really trust each other.

- And that's what girls are looking for?
- Oh, yeah.

Especially the nice ones.

It's funny, 'cause Dana's the only girl
that I've ever really listened to.

- Now, you see, does she know that?
- I could tell her.

Do better. Show her.

I had it the whole time!

You gotta love Velcro, huh?

Hi, Cory.

Dana.

You're playing pool alone?

Well, normally I'd be
playing with my best friend,

but he's off who knows where moping

because some girl
played yo-yo with his feelings.

Cory, you know what his reputation is.

Yeah, I know his reputation, OK,
but I also know the guy.

I mean, what's more important, Dana,
the reputation or the guy?

Look, you went out with me
because you thought I was nice.

That's my reputation.
But now I think you know

that deep down, Cory Matthews is
dangerous, dark and very edgy.

(PA) Would the owner of a bright red
hypoallergenic ski jacket with one mitten

please claim it at the counter?

Oh, I gotta go.

Shawn?

This... this seemed like a lot better idea
before my lips froze.

- Are you crazy? It's the middle of winter.
- It's only cold for the first hour or so.

You know, then the numbness kicks in
and you can't really feel anything.

You... you want some hot soup?

Shawn...

...what are you doing?

I remembered you said you liked picnics.
So I figured, "Why wait till spring?"

Besides, did you know that in winter, picnic
baskets are, like, a million percent off?

You mean you were actually
listening to what I said?

Look, Dana. Um...

You say I'm not boyfriend material,
and maybe I'm not,

but why won't you
give me a chance to try?

Because I'm afraid of you, OK?

Maybe you can't understand that.
But I'm afraid of you.

No, no, I can understand that.

- I'm afraid of you.
- Of me?

Yeah, and it's not even like
I love you or anything.

I just like you and want to be with you.

I've never felt that way
about a girl before.

And, you know, it scares me.

Come on, let's get you inside.

No.

See, I... I want to be out here with you.

I want a second date.

I want to see you again, too.

- Yeah? Do you mean that?
- Yeah.

You wanna seal it with a kiss?

What's the rush?

OK, now, remember, Morgan,
decaf ones are in the chipped cups.

- Uh-oh, I put decaf in this one.
- Uh...

Problem solved.
I was born to be an intern.

Oh, Eric, how sweet.
You made coffee.

- For the next three years.
- Hey, wait, oh, oh.

Don't touch that, Mom and Dad.
That is for all my coworkers

in what we in the biz like to call "the biz."

Eric, it's early,
I'm not following you.

Well, see, part of my job description is
to get the crew their coffee.

Eric, I don't think that means
you're supposed to bring it from home.

Who said anything about bringing it?

Hey! Right on time! Come on in!

Hey, hey. How are you guys doing?
Come on in.

- We got decaf, we got regular...
- (ping)

Ah! The muffins.
These TV people love their baked goods.