04x03 - I Ain't Gonna Spray Lettuce No More

[bunniefuu]

All right, I'm going to do something I haven't done in a very long time.

Hold me, Mommy!

What?

Eric, you've only applied for one job.

There's plenty more out there.

It wasn't just any job.

It was the Gap.

I mean, if anybody should be working at the Gap, it's me.

I mean, look.

I'm Gap!

All Gap!

Even when I'm in the shower, I'm Gap!

You didn't put that on your application, did you?

No.

They said I wasn't qualified.

I told them a monkey could work there.

Mom, it was the weirdest thing.

Last night, I'm walking by the Gap.

They got a monkey selling jeans.

I gave them that idea.

Well, next time you go out for a job, wear a diaper and smoke a cigar.

People like that.

(SIGHS)

Morning.

Hey, Dad, I need $ for a class picture.

$ ?

How big is your class?

Everyone else paid.

The teacher said if I don't pay today, they're going to airbrush me out.

Fine, fine.

Take, take.

Oh, Dad, keep your wallet open.

I got pictures, too.

What grade are you in?

Eleventh.

We got enough of you.

Alan!

Fine, fine.

Take, take.

I'll work Sundays.

"I'll work Sundays"?

I'm not thrilled working there weekdays.

Amy, I'm doing something about my job.

Dad, you can't quit.

I can't support this family.

I am not a monkey!

Amy, I'm going to ask for a raise.

Is that what you think will make you happy?

Happier than I am now, and I'm not coming back into this house until I get it.

Mom, why is Dad standing outside the house?

You didn't get it.

No, I got it.

I walked in, I said to Pete, "Pete, we got to talk." He said, "Alan, nothing to talk about.

How is $ , ?" $ , ?

Come inside.

Sit in the nice chair.

Amy, I think I could have gotten even more.

Well, then sit in the nice chair and use the nice phone.

Call Pete and ask for it.

Well, actually, I don't think calling Pete would make much sense.

Why not?

Because I don't work there anymore, Amy.

I quit.

Would you pass the potatoes?

Dad, you quit your job?

We're going to be poor.

We're not going to be poor.

Alan, how could you quit your job without even discussing it with me?

We're discussing it now.

Oh, so no decision was actually made?

Uh, no.

A decision was made.

Now it's time for the very important discussion that follows the making of the decision.

Alan, if we had discussed this before a decision was made, I might have gently pointed out that we have children to feed and bills to pay.

Bye-bye, car.

Amy, I would never put this family at risk.

We have a little money saved up, and one day I hope to go into business for myself.

That way Eric could come work for me.

Hey!

You hear that?

I'm going to be responsible for the well-being of this family.

Bye-bye, house.

So you see, Amy, nothing to worry about.

I made a good decision.

Fine, fine.

I made one, too.

What?

What decision did you make?

Well, that if you're allowed to make a unilateral decision about something which affects this entire family, then so am I.

Well, what decision are you going to make?

I don't know yet.

But one day, I will make a decision which affects this entire family because you did, and our relationship is an equal partnership, isn't it?

Yes.

But don't you worry because I'll talk it over with you afterwards.

And that's the whole sad mess I find myself in.

Wow!

And to think, you were my only rich friend.

Comfortable, never rich.

Indoor plumbing?

Rich.

Well, whatever we were, Shawn, we're not anymore.

You know, I never realized how easy I had it.

You had it easy, all right.

You, with your breakfasts in the morning, your lunches in the afternoon, your dinners at night.

Eaters!

You're eaters!

Shawn, they put the food in front of me.

That's okay, Cor.

You're my friend, and I'm going to teach you how to be poor.

Would you?

Well, it's not going to be easy.

You come from a world of many pants.

They put the pants in front of me.

Now, don't turn your back on me.

Okay, Cory.

You sound sincere.

Let me ask you one question.

When was the last time you slept inside?

Last night.

I can't work with you.

Hey, how are you?

Good to see you.

Haven't seen you in a while.

Hey, you do that then, all right?

And you.

I'm not talking to you.

Okay.

Hey, Mr. Feeny.

How's it going by and by?

Fine, by and by.

So, Mr. Matthews, how does it feel to be back in the old school hall?

They miss me, don't they?

Oh, yes.

We've brought in a crisis counselor to help the students deal with their loss.

Well, I think that's a great way to begin the healing process.

Oh, you weren't serious.

No.

Okay.

I take it you're here to set up a tutoring schedule.

Well, you know, I was, but now, Mr. Feeny, I really don't think tutoring's going to be necessary for me.

Now, Eric, I thought we agreed that colleges look favorably on students who acknowledge their scholastic shortcomings and try to rectify them.

Whatever.

But you know, my dad has actually decided to start a family business and has generously offered me a position within the firm, so, as you can see, my future's assured.

What kind of business is it?

I don't know, but, you know, it doesn't really matter.

Because this weekend the Matthews men are attending the "Be your own boss franchise exposition opportunity extravaganza" at the Airport Comfort Inn.

Where dreams are born.

Yeah.

Dad, somewhere out there lies our bright, shining future.

Where do you want to start?

Well, since I've been in food my whole life, I think we can eliminate everything from spaghetti-in-a-bag to Das falafel sergeant.

Well, since I've been in school my whole life, I want to eliminate anything where you have to shower with guys.

Gentlemen, I couldn't help but overhear your career consternation.

What you're looking for is something fresh, something new, a business with unlimited growth opportunity where you can be your own boss.

Does it sound good so far?

That's exactly what we're looking for.

Then let me ask you, do you have a dog?

Yes.

No!

No, we don't.

We'll get one.

Don't blow this.

We have a small dog.

According to this graph, over million Americans have a dog, and every day those dogs leave behind a great deal of, shall we say, residue.

I think we've heard enough.

No!

No!

No!

Let's see where this is going.

Now, let's face it.

No one is picking up this stinky mess on our lawns, on our parks.

What to do?

Here lies the answer.

What is it?

Poo-pourri.

Poo-pourri?

Poo-pourri.

Deodorizes, sanitizes, glamorizes.

Ooh, cake!

Come on, let's go.

No.

I want to make this my life.

Gentlemen, the figures are irrefutable.

If each pet-owning American purchases only one can of poo-pourri, this franchise is worth over $ billion, catapulting Poo-pourri Inc.

to the number one corporation in America.

And if nobody buys it?

Well, now you sound like my wife!

So that's a leader so far, huh, Dad?

Uh, sadly, it is, Son.

But there are many business opportunities to consider, and I'm sure we will find exactly the right thing for us.

You want to open an Ogner's House of Strudel?

I do, and here's why.

There's varieties, and every month they assure me that Frau Ogner comes out with a new flavor.

So now my future depends on a Bavarian named Ogner.

Shawn warned me about this.

Alan, tell me you are not buying into this strudel idea.

No, no.

Actually, this was my first choice.

Rapidmart?

What is this, a convenience store?

Yeah.

I think it makes perfect sense for someone like me.

It's a business I already know.

It's a business you already hate.

I hated working for somebody else.

This would be different.

I'd run my own store, run it my way.

You're still selling lettuce.

Alan, you know this is not what you want.

Amy, I can't seem to win with you.

You wanted to be included in the decision, so I include you, and now you're trying to talk me out of something I kind of, sort of, maybe want to do.

Oh, well, gee, with that kind of passion, who am I to stand in your way?

Hello?

Is this obvious only to me?

Strudel.

Eric, no strudel.

Fine, you're out.

Naptime.

Yeah, you're right.

Look, Amy, I looked at every possible job opportunity, and this is what I want to do because this makes the most sense.

Oh, this isn't about what makes sense.

This is about spending the rest of your life doing what you want to do.

I want to run my own store.

I want you to be happy for me.

Now, are you behind me on this or not?

No.

Fine.

Thank you for your support.

What is that, your sleeping bag?

Uh-huh.

Oh, one little disagreement, and you're walking out on me?

And I'm taking Eric.

Couple of nights under the stars, a little hiking through the woods, some fishing.

That's where I do my best thinking.

I got to try and figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

Alan, what we talked about in the kitchen, you know that I would never stand in the way of something I thought you really wanted to do.

I know that.

But this isn't about what I want to do.

This is about my responsibility to this family, and I just...

(SIGHS)

I just feel so helpless.

Honey, you feel helpless because you're stuck.

Alan, it's all right to take a risk.

I can't support this convenience store idea because I know you won't be happy, and I can only support your happiness.

Cory, taking part in a research study is a ridiculous way to make money.

If you need it that bad, I'll lend it to you.

Well, Shawn says I've got to learn to provide for myself.

Well, then get a real job.

Well, Shawn says I'm in no position to pay taxes right now.

These guys don't even want to know our real names.

Well, I think you guys are both lunatics.

Yeah?

Well, we'll see what you think after we get our bucks.

Just for testing a new shampoo?

Yep.

You sure there's nothing to worry about?

Worry?

Cory, it's shampoo!

They only test it on humans so they can say they don't test it on animals.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

Hiking, fishing, cooking our own food over a fire.

I'm telling you something, Dad, that's what we got to do with the rest of our lives.

We got to stay out there, become mountain men.

Yeah.

What do you think that pays?

Ah, the intrepid woodsmen returning to the safe harbor of suburbia.

Did you bag any trophies?

Ooh!

Boy, you bet we did.

Eric got a fish.

Dad!

Come on.

Come on.

Show him.

Come on, boy.

Oh, boy.

I imagine he'd have put up a heck of a fight.

Well, not really.

I was actually just filling up my toothbrush cup.

He just kind of swam right in there.

Hi, guys.

Hey, honey!

Oh, boy, you seem refreshed.

Did sleeping under the stars point you to a new career?

Well, I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, but nothing can give me half the satisfaction I get waking up next to that beautiful Cedar Lake.

Yes, exhilarating feeling.

Shame you can't capture it somehow and keep it on your desk, hmm?

Yeah.

You know, the only thing wrong with this weekend was that you weren't there.

Let's go up again, huh?

Next weekend.

You come, too.

Might I suggest, for the sake of communal bliss, that you outfit yourselves with one of those two-person sleeping bags that are currently on discount at Kimball's?

George, you rascal!

How do you know about those?

I go camping.

I don't fish.

You do the math.

Anyway, I was down there this morning having a talk with my old friend Ed Kimball, who's having some kind of a sale.

Why don't you pop over there and tell Ed I sent you?

I know Kimball's.

It's one of my favorite stores.

Hey, guys.

Any update on our current situation?

Actually, yes, there is.

This weekend, we're going up to the mountains.

We're going to sleep on the ground.

Oh, we've lost everything.

What are you doing?

Shawn!

You're here.

I thought you'd be doing your little puppet show downtown which always brings in the cash.

I said what are you doing?

(STUTTERING)

It's not mine.

I found it.

It's not like I paid for it.

I said what are you doing?

I'm eating meat!

(CRYING)

You disgust me, man.

But I like meat.

It's my parents' fault, Shawn.

They raised me.

They gave me an allowance.

Cory, Cory, Cory.

My dear, sweet Cory.

There's no shame.

There's two types of people in this world, people like you, who always manage to get by and people like me that are lucky enough to have people like you in their lives.

(CHUCKLES)

Thanks, man.

You want half?

It's how the poor survive.

Oh, Dad, this fishing rod is nothing like our fishing rod.

Well, that's a MacMillan.

Graphite , series.

Top-of-the-line, my boy.

Now, put it down, gently.

I see you know your fishing gear.

Uh, yes.

Alan Matthews.

I'm a friend of George Feeny's.

Oh, George.

Yeah, sure.

I sure enjoy our little chats.

I just wish he'd buy something once in a while.

Hey, Dad, look at these kayaks.

How cool would that be on the lake?

Oh!

Not nearly as cool as this tent.

Check this out.

"Survival-rated for winds up to miles per hour." I'm not going.

Do you know they brought a tent just like this up to the top of Mount Everest?

I'm sure you could survive a few nights on Cedar Lake.

Boy, you got all the best toys here.

Let me show you the new catalog and see what's coming.

Thank you for indulging my husband.

He really loves your store.

Oh, I can see that, and it looks like your kids do, too.

Hey, I can see men's sportswear from here!

It's really a wonderful store.

How long have you had it?

Oh, my gosh.

Been in the family about years.

I was going to leave it to my son, only I had a daughter, and she married an orthodontist and moved to Palm Beach.

So, what are you going to do?

I've got it up for sale.

I want to spend some time with my grandchildren in the south.

You know, I was just mentioning this to George Feeny the other day.

Yeah.

Feeny.

He mentioned you were having a sale.

Mr. Kimball, I know it's none of my business, but did you make a good living from this place?

Oh, well, some years are better than others.

But let me tell you something.

If looking forward to coming to work every day was any indication, then I've done very well.

I suppose you got all your buyers lined up, huh?

A few nibbles.

But, you know, this has always been a family business.

I want to keep it a family business, even if it's not my family anymore.

All right.

We're agreed.

This is the one.

Yep.

Absolutely.

I mean, this is obviously the best one that they've got.

Oh, please.

This one is clearly better.

I mean, it's got more interior wattage and luminosity.

They're exactly the same.

Which is why I plan to be an accountant.

Come on.

Well, Amy, we better get out of here before we buy up the whole store.

I already did.

Looks like my whole family likes your store.

Oh, it's not my store anymore.

What?

Your wife just bought it.

What?

Well, the man's store was up for sale, so I bought it.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

You can't just do that.

Can she do that?

She just did.

Hey, listen.

I'm a reasonable man.

We came to terms.

Amy.

Look, I understand what you're trying to do, but you just can't walk into...

I can't what?

You owe me a big decision, buddy, one that affects this whole family.

Well, you're standing in it.

So, this is all my beef jerky?

Hey, Dad, how great is this?

I'm going to be working for you.

I'm glad you feel that way, Eric, because we're going to have to tap into your college fund for the down payment.

Hey, Dad, how great is this?

You're going to be working for me.

How about if you're partners?

That's even greater!

Amy, I don't know about this.

What's not to know?

What?

Are you afraid you're going to be happy?

It's okay?

I mean, it's okay to do this?

Alan, we give you permission to take a risk.

Now, you look around, and if you can tell me from your heart that none of this is going to make you happy, then we will walk out that door, and we will discuss something else.

Uh...

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, no.

No.

(STUTTERING)

I believe the deal was that I don't get to discuss your decision, right?

Right.

Thank you.

Well, you heard the lady.

Wrap it up.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah!

Now, these are accounts payable, these are accounts receivable.

It's all pretty straightforward.

You shouldn't have any problem.

Uh, yeah, I can handle that.

We'll hire someone.

Would you?

Hello, George.

Hey, George!

Welcome to our new shop.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

Ah, congratulations, Alan.

Do you mind if I browse a bit?

No.

Of course.

Pick something out.

You'll be our first sale.

Not likely.

$ for socks?

Come on, man.

They are thermal, they are double-layered, and they are fully moisture-proof.

They're $ , and they're socks.

I'm a teacher, not a heart surgeon.

Hey, Mr. Feeny, why don't I show you some snowshoes?

Now, why would I be interested in snowshoes?

(WHISPERING)

There are no snowshoes!

I'm an idiot.

I mean, I don't know anything about numbers and accounts.

I'm going to bring this whole store crashing down.

We're going to end up living in a box in the park.

Well, there are some socks over there that would keep you quite warm.

Mr. Feeny, would you tutor me, please?

I got to learn how to run a business here.

Eric, you need a complete education, and that's more than learning how to do the books.

You want me to go to college, don't you?

I want you to realize that at any given time in your life, you'll be expected to know something.

Now, today it was accountancy.

Who knows what it will be tomorrow?

I want you to be prepared.

Will you prepare me?

All right, meet me at school, and we'll work out a schedule.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Feeny.

I think I will buy that pair of socks.

Oh, sure.

Wait till I sell the store, then you buy something.

Here it is, Dad.

Our first sale.

Hey!

All right!