04x10 - Turkey Day

[bunniefuu]

I'm sure you're all aware
of the conflict in Burundi

which is now spilling over
into Rwanda and Uganda.

He's making
these names up.

He's finally run out
of stuff to teach.

The Burundian conflict
centers on class differences

between the poorer Hutus
and the richer Tutsis.

We're gonna have to put
a bag over him and
drag him out of the room.

That way,
we save his dignity.

Class differences,

the strife between
the have and the have-nots,

a perennial source of misery
on our planet.

Another source of misery,

I expect each of you
to do a paper on this topic

during Thanksgiving break.

(STUDENTS GROAN)

He's trying to
drag us down with him.

But before we break
for the holiday,

I want to congratulate you all
on this year's food drive.

I mean, you've shown real
generosity and selflessness.

That said,

this year's winners

are Cory Matthews
and Shawn Hunter.

Oh, yeah!

(GRUNTING)

Mr. Feeny,
this is so unfair.

They just keep turning in
the same cans
year after year.

Hey, my family gives them
to the food bank,

the food bank gives them
to my family,

my family gives them
back to the food bank.

It's life in
the food bank chain.

So, what'd we win,
Mr. Feeny?

You've won a turkey...
Oh.

And a box of stuffing.

Ooh.
Ooh.

(BELL RINGS)

Have a wonderful holiday,
and don't forget that paper.

Shawn, you can
have the turkey.
I'll take stuffing.

But I want stuffing.

Well, of course
you want stuffing.
Everyone wants stuffing.

Stuffing's the best part.
I'll flip you for it.

I don't want to lose.
But you might win.

But, you see, if I lose,
then I don't get stuffing.

There must be a way
for both of us
to have stuffing.

There isn't.
There must be.

Impossible.
There's stuffing.

You either have it,
or you don't, unless...

We get more stuffing?

No. I'd want that, too.

What I'm getting at
is that we both have
stuffing together.

But it's Thanksgiving.
I gotta be
with my family.

Well, me, too.
Don't you see?
That's perfect.

We can have
Thanksgiving together.

But our families
barely know each other.

And what better time
for them to get acquainted.

Okay. Okay.

It'll be the first
Hunter-Matthews
Thanksgiving dinner.

It's gonna be great.

I don't wanna.

Come on.
It's Thanksgiving,

a time of thanks...
And giving.

It's a family
holiday.

Well, the Hunters are
a family, we're a family.

We can be families
together.

I'll tell you one thing.
Over at the Hunters,

they are absolutely
delighted about having
Thanksgiving with us.

Do I look
delighted?

Oh, come on.
Why can't we all spend
Thanksgiving together?

Because it is unnatural
to mix the classes, Son.

You're tampering
with the primal force
of nature here.

Why? I think getting
together with the Matthews
is a wonderful idea.

Have you been drinking?

I don't see
anything wrong
about having contact

with a better class
of people.

Better?

Well, now we get to it.

You are a social climber.

Say what you will,
but they're coming.

Over my
big, dead body.

My folks are
totally up for it.

Mine, too.
It is gonna be great.

That was Virna Hunter
with a little
pre-Thanksgiving Day tip.

Oh, that's nice.
What did she say?

Well, apparently,
there are a lot
of stray animals

running around
the trailer park,

particularly
this one vicious goat,

so don't wear red
and don't make
any jerky movements.

Oh. Well, maybe
we should wear
camouflage.

That upsets the bear.

(KNOCKING)

Hello, Mr. Matthews.

Out of respect,
I come to you,

the father of
young Morgan Matthews,

to discuss, shall we say,
a dating situation.

(WHISPERING)
Amy, call the cops.

No, no, no.
Mr. Matthews,
please.

Herman.

Go ahead, Herman,
just as we practiced.

Dear Matthews family,

especially the father,

I request the presence
of Morgan Matthews

for an after-dinner
piece of pumpkin pie.

Word around
the trailer park
suggests

that you will be
on the premises
Thanksgiving Day.

Mom, Dad,
would that be okay?

That would be fine.

Come, Herman.
If we are to have
a female visitor,

we must tidy
the trailer.

Good day to you,
the Matthews.

And we look forward
to seeing you on Thursday.

Oh. A word
of gentle caution...

We know
about the goat.

Do not underestimate him.

He is wily.

Wow. This is
gonna be great.

You guys are finally
gonna get to see
where my best friend lives.

Oh, I left
my purse in the car.

What do you need
your purse for?

Well, I just don't wanna
leave it in the car, okay?

Well, I don't want
to leave the car
in the car,

but we're stuck
with it, okay?

I can't believe you guys.
Just give me
the keys to the car.

I'll be more than happy
to go and get the purse.

And when would
you be back?

Not coming back.

You know, I am never taking
you guys anywhere again.

I am very surprised
by this family's
negative attitude.

I have to go
to the bathroom.

Not here, honey.
Hold it
till we get home.

Cory, purse.

Okay, look,
the Hunters' trailer,
it's right over there.

Ah, the one that looks
like all the other ones.

Yeah, that's it.

Okay, so which one
did Cory say it was?

Well, maybe it's the one
with their name on it.

That says
"The Unters," Dad.

Obviously,
the "H" fell off

during the last twister
or flood or goat att*ck.

Uh... Hi there.
You folks lost?

Uh, isn't this
the Hunters' trailer?

Uh, no.
We're the Unters,

like it says
right there
on the side.

Oh. Well, naturally,
I assumed

that the "H"
had fallen off.

So you think if a letter
fell off my name,

I wouldn't replace it?

No, no.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

We're just lost.
We're just...

Friendly people lost.

So you aren't
from around here.

We live over
in Cedar Heights.

Ah, well, la-de-da.

I hear that Cedar Heights
is quite
the lovely neighborhood.

We're having
Thanksgiving dinner
with the Hunters.

The Chet Hunters?

Now, you see,
they have an "H."

Yes, so we're just
gonna get over there

if you could
just tell us
where "there" is.

The Chet Hunters
live right, um...

There.

Mmm-hmm. So...

I won't be keeping you
any longer

because I'm sure
they're really
looking forward

to your visit.

Okay, they're here.
Big smiles, everybody.

Hi. How you doing?
Come on in.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi, Chet.
Hi.

Wow. We were over
at the Unters.

Chet, I brought you this
really nice bottle of wine.

Well, thank you, Alan,

but as it happens,

we had a very good wine
planned for this
evening's festivities.

Excellent wine,
whole box of it right
in the refrigerator.

Oh, well,
in that case,

we don't need
to drink this.

We'll drink yours
and save this.

No, no, no, no.

If you went
to the trouble of
bringing us wine,

the least we can do
is drink yours
and not ours.

You know what would be
just special?

What do you say we pour
both our wines in a big bowl

and add
some bananas
and oranges

and have ourselves
some friendship Sangria?

(SOFTLY) Nobody
wants that, Virna.

(WHISPERING)
Yes, we do.
We want that.

We want bananas
and oranges

and tiny little
pastel-colored umbrellas.

Now you go get them.
They're in the drawer.

May I serve you
some hors d'oeuvres?

This is a Gruyere
and pecan log

with a selection
of crackers.

It's one
of the items
I most enjoy

from the good people
at Hickory Farms.

Oh, I would love some.
Thank you, Virna.

Looks great.

Mmm.

I know it's not
as fancy

as what you
would have served
at your home.

No, no, it's exactly
what I would have served.

No. You're
just saying that.

You would have
served the port wine
Cheddar

in the ceramic
crock.

Yeah. Remember,
you gave it
to that mailman

that one year
for Christmas.

What?

He's not
just our mailman.

He's my biological
father.

But he doesn't know
that I know.

I should have
bought the crock.

I'm pretty sure
Hickory Farms
is still open.

I'll buy the crock.

Virna. Virna.
Virna.

Right now, you're
acting as daffy

as your Aunt Lucy
who nobody speaks of.

I just wanted tonight
to go well.

Well, it can't go well
if you go running off
into the night

like some kind of
cheese-crazed banshee,
now, can it?

Yes, it can. Cheese
can turn this around.

It's not about
what we eat, honey.

It's about who we are.

And who they are.
And we're different.

And no amount of cheese
is gonna change the fact

that tonight
is not gonna go well,

and I told you so.
(SIGHS)

Hey. How we all doing?

Great or really great?

Shawn, how could you
let this thing fall apart
before I even get here?

It's bigger than me,
Cory. It's bigger
than both of us.

Okay. Well, it's up to us
to hold this thing together.

Lose the purse,
and I'll take you
seriously.

But it goes with my shoes.

(CHUCKLES)

Here you go, Mom.

Chet, is everything
all right?

Oh, uh...
You mean Virna?

She's just having
one of her bouts.

You got
any female calmin' pills
in that purse?

Not that I can spare.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Well, that's my lift.

Thanks for having
me, seriously.

Seriously, thanks
for having me.

Nobody's getting off
this island, Gilligan.

Well, hey there, Luther.
What can I do you for?

We're having
an emergency meeting

of the Trailer Park
Homeowners Association

of which we strongly feel
you should attend.

Kind of busy
now, Luther.

You know,
entertaining and all.

Emergency meeting.

We strongly feel
(WHISPERING)
that you should attend.

Oh.

Uh, okay.

Y'all party on.

Don't let my absence
be a damper
on the evening's soiree.

Now, Luther, what
was so important

that you had to drag me
away from my guests?

Oh, my stars
and garters.

Yes, Chet,
it is I, Herbert.

Herbert, I hope you've
simply come to wish me
a happy Thanksgiving

and that
I've given you no cause

to emerge from
your deep seclusion.

Once there was a land
below the freeway overpass

next to
the self-storage
facility.

And men
saw that land,

and they knew
that it was good
and trailer-ready.

And so we gathered here
with our families,

hard-working men and women
of a common purpose,

and each family
having no more
or less

than his neighbor.

There was no envy
and there was no shame,

and, so, there was
peace upon this land
until today,

where you have
brought outsiders
into our midst.

Come on, Herbert.
They're really
very nice people.

They are not
from here,

and they look down
upon us,

and we will not tolerate
their condescension.

Oh, come on, Herbert.

I mean,
I don't want to be

of a different mind
than the multitude,

but don't you think
you're pressing
some emotional hot buttons

just to get
the people riled up?

Enough!

Jerry Springer's on.

So, get 'em
out of here, Chet.

Get 'em out of here now.

I have Cheez Whiz,

Rice Chex,

and an olive
with a pimento on it.

Please.

I told you this
was a great idea.

It's an episode of COPS
waiting to happen.

You know,
Chet's been gone
an awful long time.

Do you think there's
any kind of problem?

Oh, no.
I'm sure it's nothin'.

And I would just like
to apologize

for my previously
erratic behavior,

and I just hope
we can get back
to our uneventful...

Wikki wikki
Hawaiian luau.

What?

Well, I hope
y'all enjoyed your dinner
and thanks for coming,

and, well, let's do this
again next year

at some neutral
third-party
air force base.

Dad, we haven't
eaten yet.

Of course
we haven't eaten.

Why, our guests
have just arrived.

But this is the small talk
part of the evening,

so y'all talk,
we'll talk.

Everybody
talk, talk.

Outside.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Ah, them Hunters. (LAUGHS)

Quirky, but
you gotta love 'em.

You did this to us.

I mean, I could be
at home right now

in my nice,
comfortable house,

which is built
into the ground,

but no, no, no.
See, you had
to drag us

to the center
of Looneyville.

Eric, Eric, I'm sure
your brother
feels bad enough.

Let me talk to him.

The Cowboys, Redskins.

That's a good game
I'm missing.

Alan, he's just a boy.
He meant well.

Honey, I know that Shawn
is your best friend,

but we never really
made friends
with his parents.

Yeah, but why, Mom?

I mean, just because
we have more things
than they do?

Because Dad makes more money
than Shawn's dad?

That's why we can't sit down
and have a nice meal together?

(SIGHS)

Son, you won't
realize this
till you grow up,

but being right
is not necessarily
enough

to change the way
people feel.

I told you
what would happen

if you invited
them "aristocats"
down here, Virna.

Now we have ourselves
a real situation here.

So what? You're just
gonna kick
my friend's parents out?

No, I'm not gonna kick
your friend's parents out.

I am, however, gonna
really hurry 'em along.

Well... (LAUGHS)
Hello.

What are y'all
doing out here,
outside,

where you can be seen
through a scope?

Well, we're taking Morgan
over to Herman's trailer.

Okay. Okay.
That'll be fine.

Shawny, why don't
you go with them

and show him
how we locals

like to walk real low
to the ground?

You know, for fun.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Ready for your pie?

I... I just
got my turkey.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Please don't take this
the wrong way,

but don't you think
we oughta
wait for the kids?

It's a Hunter
Thanksgiving tradition.

Kids don't eat,
and it's time
for pie.

Oh. There goes my fork.

What's that make? Three?

Here. Have another.

Oh, I guess it's good
to have a big 'ol bag
of forks around.

Well, this time, I'm gonna
try and find a sturdier one.

Or you could go easy
on the one you got.

Chet, you're right.
Why waste another fork?

I'm just gonna use
the little forky part
of the one I got.

Chet, (CLEARS THROAT)

if our dinner guest
is not comfortable
with our plasticware,

I think it's only right
we accommodate him

with a regular
metal fork.

Well, heck, why don't
we just give everybody
a metal fork?

(SOFTLY)
No, Chet. No.

Why? Why? Because
our forks don't match?

Our forks don't match.

Oh, you know,
I remember so well

that our forks and spoons
didn't match

when we were
starting out.

(CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Chet, Virna,

clearly this
isn't working.

You guys went way out
of your way for us,

and we really
appreciate it.

I understand.
It's not personal.

Sometimes what's
important to realize

is some folks just don't
blend together so well.

Yeah. We should just
leave it that way.

Doesn't make it
anybody's fault.

I'm sure the kids
will understand.

Shawn, I'm really
sorry about
this whole thing.

I mean, my parents
have just been
acting like jerks.

Yeah, well, my parents
didn't exactly
go out of their way

to make them
feel welcome.

I guess this whole thing
was just a mistake.

You know, why can't they
just hang out together?

Adults are not
narrow-minded by nature.

They can, however,
be set in their ways.

I am
but a callow youth,

yet it seems to me
a shame

they should be
set in the way

of disliking
each other.

They come
from different worlds.

Think of them
as the Hutus and Tutsis,

living with prejudice
and hatred passed on
from parent to child

because it is what
they've grown accustomed to.

You know,
are we the only two people
on this whole planet

who don't know
who the Hutus
and Tutsis are?

You know, Cory, for once,
I think our ignorance
may be working for us.

What? You mean
if we knew better,
we wouldn't be friends?

Yeah, so I'm glad
we don't know better.

Yeah, me, too.

Well, our table
is in order.

It is time to proceed
with our holiday repast.

Are you guys sure
this is okay?

There is always room
for more at our table.

It is our
Thanksgiving custom

to go around the table
and let each person say
what they are thankful for.

Then we eat?
Then we eat.

I'm thankful for that.
Next.

More?

Okay. Um...

I'm also thankful to be
having Thanksgiving dinner
with my brother

and my sister
and all my friends

and that
I'm taping the game.

Next.

I'm thankful
for these guests

and that we've been blessed
with enough food
to share with them.

Herman.

I'm thankful
to be sitting

next to this
delicate blossom
who has won my heart.

Dearest.

I am, for once,
thankful to be sitting
at the kids' table.

Shawn.

I'm thankful that
you're my friend.

And I guess
I'm thankful

that my parents
taught me

to like people
for who they are,

even if they
weren't lucky enough

to be raised
that way themselves.

Well, I feel
about two inches tall.

Whew. That's two inches
taller than I feel.

Maybe we could all
try this again.

It'd be a shame
to waste all that cheese.

Hey, Luther,

why don't you
join us here?

We're having
an emergency meeting
of the human race.

(CLEARING THROAT)
Y'all have room for us?

Yeah. There's always room
for more at our table.

By and large, your papers
were above-average.

Very good work.

What, don't I get mine?
Did you recycle it already?

Can't just fail me
privately.

You gotta
Braveheart me up here.

I simply wondered
if you would mind

reading your paper
to the class,

starting here.

(CLEARS THROAT) Okay.

"This past week,
I spent Thanksgiving

"with the Hutus
and the Tutsis,

"which was a real surprise
to me

"because I live
in Philadelphia,

"and I thought
that kind of prejudice
based on class differences

"only happened
in undeveloped countries."

It that enough?
I'm getting vertigo

from facing this way
in the room.

No, no. Go on.

"But I discovered
that even in my very own
civilized country,

"people can be
just as undeveloped
and just as cruel.

"But more importantly,
and the thing
that gives me hope,

"is that as long
as the children are educated

"about the dangers of
prejudice and intolerance,

"then perhaps
there will be a reason for
Thanksgiving in the future."

That's the best work
you've ever done,
Mr. Hunter.

Um... C minus?

All right.

No.

A plus.

(GASPS)

I'm as shocked
as you are.

All right, Shawn.
A plus.

I'm better
than you are now.