03x17 - The Flush

[bunniefuu]

Hey, ladies. Uh, welcome.

I'm Sam. How can I help?

That's not his real name.
I worked in a furniture store.

Salesmen pay for their kids'
college with lies.

- I can't have kids.
- Lie.

[Inhales sharply] Okay, Sam,

we're looking for a recliner
for my mother-in-law.

- Oh. Uh, over here's our Branson G- .
- That's a lie.

- Uh, very popular with bachelors...
- Lie.

- And newlyweds.
- Lie.

- Also comes in corduroy.
- Another lie.

Hey, Eddie, look. A love seat.

You should get one for Alison
now that you two are...

[Imitates kissing] [Laughs]

What are they talking about?

Nothing... Just dumb-wads being dumb.

He and Alison are smooching.

With their lips!

[Smooching]

You kissed Alison?
Why didn't you tell me?

N... [Sighs] I don't know.

It wasn't a big deal.

Yeah. No, it's cool. [Chuckles]

I don't tell you every time
I kiss your mom, so I get it.

Twice this week, by the way.

The D . Good taste, and it's affordable.

$ plus the $ handling fee.

I'll handle it myself.

That's the cost of getting it
here from our factory in Georgia.

The only way to avoid that fee
is to go there and pick it up.

Well, with gas mileage,

plus wear-and-tear on the car,
minus food,

I'd still save over $ if I
went and picked it up myself.

Uh, yeah, I guess,
you know, technically,

but uh [scoffs] it's not
worth the trip to Georgia.

So you're telling me

if you saw a $ bill on the street,

you wouldn't pick it up?

No, I... I would.

I ate a cinnamon hot ball
off the ground this morning.

Finally, the truth.

Plus I love organizing road trips.

They are the ultimate test
of efficiency and cunning.

I'm in. I love road trips, too...

Snacks, radio, hanging a towel
in the window to block the sun.

We're also in.

The World's Largest
Peanut is in Georgia.

Disney Adventures magazine

called it "Worth pulling over for."

We're going on a road trip!

Three times.

[Chuckles] [Sighs]

S E The Flush

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

We'll pick up Emery and Evan from school

and hit the road from there.

Perfect.

I baked us some brownies,

and I grabbed some sodas.

Bottles... smart.

This will mean six less
bathroom trips for the boys.

[Chuckles]

Jessica, do you think that's
enough food for the weekend?

Oh, we'll also get discount
fruit from road stands.

It's much cheaper than city fruit.

Wow. You really are the
master of road trips.

Someone has to be.

Hey, bachelor! [Both chuckle]

Hey,
what do you got planned for the weekend?

Oh, I got a pile of squirrel kills

I've been meaning to taxidermy
if you want a fur fix.

Oh, I'd love to,
but I thought it would be good

for Eddie and I to have a guys' weekend.

[Both chuckle]

Yeah, we haven't been talking much,

so we're gonna hang out,
just the two of us...

Eat pizzas, hit the driving range,

watch "Police Academy" movies.

Ah. I remember I had a guys' weekend

with my father, Marvin Sr.

He paid an angel to make me a man.

Oh.

Um, my dad didn't believe in weekends.

The most we ever bonded
was the one time he told me

I did a good job carrying
soup to the table.

[Laughs] [Engine starts]

Hey! Don't I get a kiss goodbye?

Oh, the engine's already running.

It would waste gas to get out now.

I'll say goodbye when I get back.

[Chuckles]

[School bell rings]

Anyone up for bowling this weekend?

- Can we use bumpers?
- Hell, yeah.

I'm out. I got a guys'
weekend planned with my dad.

Oh, cool. I do that with my dad, too.

We're just in different
cities when we do it.

I think it'll be pretty cool...
Sit around in our underwear,

eating take-out, not brushing our teeth.

Sounds amazing.

I'm stuck at home with my four sisters.

Crying, slapping, door slamming...

[Sighs] I'm just trying to watch
"Seinfeld."

You guys want to come over
to my house this weekend?

Yes!

I mean,
are you sure it's cool with your dad?

Of course! Guys' weekend.

All: Guys' weekend.

I spy with my little eye s...

The freckle on my chin.

Mommy, you win again!

[Scoffs] Wow, Jessica.

He didn't even get the
clue out that time.

I'd make a great spy.

I spy what you're gonna
spy before you even spy it.

[Chuckles] This is so fun.

Oh!

[Truck horn honks] [Screams]

What the hell was that?!

I... I got him to honk.

[Scoffs] You know...

[Trunk horn honks]

Ah!

Mom, look,
the cheap gas station is up ahead.

They give you a free lighter
if you pay with cash.

Oh. [Breathing heavily]

Honey's horn game
almost made me miss it.

I spy some good boys.

[Door opens, closes]

What in hot ham was that?

You almost blew the whole trip.

What are you talking about?

You have to be very careful
with Mom on road trips.

She's great if things go her way,

but as soon as something
happens she doesn't like...

She turns into... a road grump.

A "road grump"?

There's several warning stages...

- Squeezing the wheel...
- Muttering.

Screaming at cars.

And finally, speaking only in Mandarin.

If that happens, forget it.

She's in Grumpville. Trip over.

That's why we missed the
World's Largest Peanut

when we drove from D.C. to Orlando.

Eddie kept asking, "How much longer?"

and Mom lost it.

C'est fini.

Well, if that's true, why are you going

on another road trip with her?

Because we all got
things we can't explain,

and ours is seeing that big peanut,
okay?

And this time, we're prepared.

We've got mix tapes, Boggle,
a book of funny limericks.

And I've got my Jodie Foster
impression locked and loaded.

Hmm.

[Thuds, squeegee squeaks]

When can I stop smiling?

You can't.

[Video game plays]

♪ Ba ba-ba-ba ba ♪

♪ Ba ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Everybody 'za now, 'za ♪

Hey, Dad.

Oh, hey... dudes.

- Hey, Mr. Huang.
- Hey.

What's going on?

Well,
I was bragging about our guys' weekend

and these fools got jealous,
so I invited them to join.

Um, but, Eddie,
the driving range at the club

might not be able to
accommodate such a big group.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Yeah, Eddie can just go all Mr.
Fruzetti on them and they'll cave.

[Laughter] I don't get it.

Mr. Fruzetti's our science teacher,

and whenever he gets frustrated,

he starts to spit when he talks,

so people just give in
'cause they don't want to get wet.

[Imitates Mr. Fruzetti]
"Eddie, don't sthquirt that.

It's all sthodium sthulfide."

[Laughter]

[Laughs] That's funny.

You never told me that before.

Okay.

Guys' weekend, king-sized edition...

I'll order extra pizzas.

Yes! [Laughs]

Hey, Trent!

Get the hell in here,
you orange bastard,

before I Fruzetti all over you.

[Laughs]

Hi, Mr. Huang.

[Laughs] All right.

Sorry I was late.

I was just picking up some beer.

[Dramatic music]

All: Whoa!

How quickly can we get rid of your dad?

You got actual beer?!

The magician! How did you do it?

My older sister was...

Trish, , attended Rutgers.

Was getting beer for a party,

and I caught her in a rare good mood.

And she just bought it for you,
just like that?

I had to give her all my savings...
bucks...

And promise not to talk or
sing around her for a year.

But you love to sing.

[Sighs] I know.

And you're sure it's
not that non-alcoholic

Sailor Boy stuff, right?

Nope. It's an India Pale Ale.

Damn, son. That's imported.

Look, my sister...

Teaches swim lessons,
goes to work in a bathing suit.

Said she was never doing this again.

We got a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

We can't just waste it.

That's for sure.

Hey, boys.

Who wants to learn poker?

♪ Your love is better
than ice cream ♪

♪ Everyone here knows how to fly ♪

♪ Do, do, do-do do ♪

[Inhales sharply]

[Song restarts] Again?

Is this mix tape just
"Ice Cream" over and over?

Mommy loves this song, Honey.

Yes, Honey. You can never
have too much of a good thing.

[Exhales sharply]

[Brakes squeal]

[Horns honk] [Sighs]

[Music stops]

So much traffic.

People need to learn how to drive.

Someone better be dead.

It looks like all old people.

Snowbirds,
heading north now that winter's over.

Maybe they would get there faster

if they could see over
the steering wheel!

[Whispers] Stage three...
Yelling at cars.

[Whispers] Quick, do your impression.

[As Clarice Starling] You see a lot,
Dr. Lecter.

But are you strong enough to point

that high-powered
perception at yourself?

[Sighs]

[Horns honking]

Uh...

[Gasps] Oh,
what if we stop for ice cream

while we wait for traffic to clear.

You know, ice cream like the song?

I'll pay so it doesn't cut
into your chair savings.

Oh, that's a good idea.

That's more efficient than wasting gas

sitting in traffic.

These skeletons will clear
out once the sun sets.

The old hate the dark.

[Turn signal clicking]

All right, boys. Take your time.

There's no clock in poker.

Check your cards, read your opponents,

formulate your strategies.

All: All in.

You sure?

All: We're sure.

Oh!
Trying to push the big cat around, huh?

Well, the only thing I fold is laundry.

I'll pay to see 'em.

[Sighs]
Well, looks like you win again, Dad.

Game over. We're out of money.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

We'll consider it
another practice round.

[Chuckles] [Sighs]

Now, again, don't go all in

unless you've got the cards, okay?

Leave the bluffing to the experts.

[Chuckles]

Man, I'm getting tired.

Me too. Brutal week.

I'm feeling my age.

[Both yawn]

Maybe we should call it a night.

It's only : . It's still light out.

We've got hours of
"Police Academys" to watch.

We got the entire weekend, Dad.

Don't want to burn us
out the first night.

Got to be fresh for the driving
range in the morning, right?

Well, I guess I can't argue with that.

[Chuckles] Good night, fellas.

All: Good night!

Good night. [Chuckles]

_

_

Kitty, kitty, kitty.

[Both chuckle]

All right.

I'm so amped to party.

It's lukewarm.

Who's gonna take the first sip?

I'll do it.

How is it?

- Can you taste the hops?
- Are you drunk?

I don't know. I definitely feel weird.

He's buzzin'. Oh, my God. He's buzzin'.

Do girls look more attractive?

That was some quick thinking back there.

You really saved us.

Yeah, we were seconds away
from haring Mandarin swears.

Hey,
your "Ice Cream" mix gave me the idea,

and I probably would
have missed that sign

if you hadn't primed me with all that
"I spy".

Celebratory lick?

Traffic's clearing.

Should be smooth sailing
from here on out.

Big Peanut, here we come.

[Screams]

Oh, no. A parking ticket's
like a thousand bad traffics.

[Groans]

Everybody ready to hit the road?

All board! Yay! You know it.

Jessica: Okay.

_

[Sighs] Practice round?

[Laughs]

Hey, ho!

Figured I didn't need to knock
on account of guys' weekend.

Come right on in. [Door closes]

I thought Eddie could
use these tomorrow.

They're Nicole's old sticks.

They banned her from the golf course

for hitting too many "geese burners."

[Laughs] Thanks, Marv.

Yeah.

- So, how's it going?
- Okay.

Eddie's buddies crashed the party,
but I just rolled with it.

Going with the flow...

That's the backbone of any guys'
weekend.

Where are the little rug sniffers?

They went to bed.

Before midnight?

With all that testosterone?

No.

The boy's got a VCR in his room?

Not anymore.

He was taping cable shows
in the middle of the night.

Well, that rules out ta-ta movies.

- He's got fireworks?
- We're Chinese.

The boys have been over
fireworks since they were five.

Well, did they sneak out to go egging?

Jessica painted the windows shut.

Then it's got to be booze.

- What? No way.
- Booze.

Eddie's growing up,
but he's not there yet.

Okay, maybe you're right.

[Chuckles] I don't mean to overstep.

Who knows a son better than his father,
right?

I'll leave you to it.
Hit 'em long and straight.

- All right, Marv.
- Okay.

[Chuckles]

Hey,
just checking to make sure everythi...

You're drinking?

No. Eddie's the only one who had any.

None of us even tried it. Where is he?

He had a few sips and
said he felt weird.

And then he ran into the bathroom.

Did Eddie O.D.?

No, he'll be fine.

But this should be a lesson
to all of you not to drink.

I'm gonna have to call your
parents and let them know.

Go home. Party's over.

- Sorry, Mr. Huang.
- See ya.

[Scoffs]

[Water shuts off] Oh, God.

What's happening to me?

Oh, God, oh, God.

Oh, God. What?

[Knock on door]

Louis: Eddie, can I come in?

No, Dad.
I'm... I'm doing something in here.

Eddie, I know about the beer.
Just open up.

Crap.

Trust me, you don't want to see this.

Open up the door right this minute.

Okay. You asked for it.

We need to talk.

What's happening to us?

The Asian Flush.

What's wrong with me? Am I drunk?

Calm down. Getting agitated
will just make it worse.

Worse?!

It's called the Asian Flush.

It's an allergic reaction.

Your body lacks the
enzyme to process alcohol.

It doesn't affect everyone.

Your mom and grandma don't have it.

[Sighs] What's gonna happen to me?

Well, everyone reacts different.

For me, my face gets hot and red,

my throat and eyes get itchy,
and my heart races.

You didn't drink much,
so it shouldn't last long.

Great... just another way I'm
different from everyone else.

This is like an all-body heat.

Look, I was just as confused as you

when I first discovered it.

It happened my freshman year in college.

[Laughter]

Oh! Hey, man!

I was already self-conscious
being an Asian kid

in a mostly white school,

and now the one thing
that was supposed to help

my social anxiety only made it worse.
Not bad.

And then... And then I did the worm.

[Laughing] Oh, yeah!

[Laughter]

Your face.

Oh! You look like your sweater.

What's wrong with you?

I don't know.

[Panting]

Really, Maryland?

You rain for three straight months,

but tonight there's not even a breeze?!

I don't feel so good.

Oh, yeah. That's another thing.

We also get an accelerated hangover.

Come on. I got something that'll help.

Hey!

They're just giving it away.

I don't want to jinx it,

but I think this might
be my best road trip yet.

It is. It totally is!

[Laughs]

I can't take it anymore.
It's too much pressure.

Girl, you got to hold it together.

That's what I'm saying. I can't.

We're hostages. You know that, right?

We just have to keep
it up a little longer

so we can see the Peanut,
pick up the chair, and get home.

Why do you want to see
this peanut so badly?

Because it's the world's biggest peanut.

What is she not understanding?

Can you explain it to her, please?

Aah!

Another ticket?

What do you mean "another ticket"?

Here you go. Try this.

Ugh! It tastes worst than the beer.

Oh, yeah. It's disgusting.

I call it Lou Brew.

It also gets out permanent
marker and blood stains.

I don't get it.

I've seen you drink alcohol before

and this never happened to you.

Well,
I've learned to adapt over the years.

At first, around my white friends,
I'd fake drunk.

Good one, Clark! [Laughs]

Whoo! Another round! [Laughs]

Then if I was with my Chinese friends,

I could just let it fly
because they understood.

Hey, I think it spread to my eyelid.

Hey, check this out!

[Laughs]

I got that butt thing again.

Oh, Hank! Hank!

If I pass out, I've got $ worth

of Bob Seger in the jukebox.

If "Like a Rock" comes on, wake me up.

Can someone turn the A.C. up?

It is hot as hell in here.
The twins are drenched.

[Laughter]

Louis: And then, eventually,
I developed a pre-game routine

to fight it the best I could.

My Flush Pack... Before I drink,

I take these precautions

and it lessens the side effects...

PEPCID, inhaler, eye drops, TUMS.

You have to do all this
nonsense every time you drink?

I don't write checks my body can't cash.

Also, there's some cash in here.

I don't understand.

Why didn't you just tell
me about the tickets?

Well, because every little
thing sets you off...

Honey... because you're a road grump.

[Sighs]

What are you talking about?

As soon as things don't go your way,

you get super sensitive
and make everyone tense.

No, I don't.

I run on a schedule,

but that's just to make
things more efficient.

I'm a road boss.

Road trips are supposed to be fun.

If I knew it was gonna be like this,

I would have just given you the $

to buy the chair back in Orlando.

[Sighs]

You both feel this way?

I didn't know.

I don't want to be a road grump.

I want to have fun on this trip, too.

It's too late.

You're already mad about
the parking tickets.

[Gasps]

What parking tickets?

Jessica, they can track you
down by your license plate.

Oh, yeah?

Anyone asks, our plates got stolen

and someone else got those tickets.

Uh [laughs] an unmarked car?

- Now it's a road trip!
- Yes!

Let's go see that peanut!

- Yes! Let's do it!
- Let's go!

And last, just to be safe,

I rubber-band these
gauze pads in my armpits

to soak up the sweat.

First we can't drink milk, and now this.

Asians got jobbed.

Why did you never tell me about this?

I was going to when you were
old enough to start drinking.

I guess I didn't realize you were there.

Yeah, well, I learned my lesson.

Your mom and I will take
that into consideration

when we figure out your punishment.

Damn. [Sighs]

Well, if it helps, it wasn't planned.

It just sort of happened.

Honestly, this weekend I was just hoping

to sit around in our
underwear watching TV...

Both: Not brushing our teeth.

[Chuckles]

This all seems like a lot of work

for something that tastes like garbage.

Well, if you want to talk about it,

or anything else, I'm here.

I actually do have some
questions about kissing.

How do you know if you're good at it?

Well,
if she's anything like your mother...

You know what? I'm not feeling so great.

Maybe we can talk more later.

Whenever you want.

Come on. Let's get the rest

of the beers and dump them out.

Oh. It was just the one.

The five of you were
going to split one beer?

It was all he could afford.

Trent paid his sister bucks for it.

She said she was losing money.

[Chuckles]

Why do they have a swimming
pool at a police academy?

Don't start asking questions,
or it all falls apart.

[Door opens]

Hey, you're back. How was the trip?

[Muttering in Mandarin]

Mom's speaking Mandarin.

You didn't see the big nut, did you?

- Nope.
- Didn't even get the chair.

What happened?

Let's go see that peanut!

- Yes!
- Let's go!

[Indistinct radio chatter]

And that's for driving
without license plates.

Goodbye, Big Peanut.

Maybe it's better not
to meet your heroes.