01x07 - iNeed Space

[bunniefuu]

Seriously, Harper?

Our apartment looks like
Forever on Black Friday.

I'm working on my lookbook.

I snagged an interview for a styling job

with the fifth runner-up from
RuPaul's Drag Race.

Oh, then you actually need more boas.

I'm really excited for
you, but it feels like

a new lookbook every day.

How much longer is this gonna take?

How much longer is it gonna take

for me to make my dreams come true

so I can leave my dead-end job?

I don't know, but I'll keep you posted.

Well, can we at least move these boots

into my closet, 'cause
I am obsessed with them.

Look, I'm sorry, but it's
hard when I don't have

my own dedicated workspace to destroy.

Ladies, may I present
the latest Sunshine Girl,

Millicent Mitchell.

- [BOTH]: Aw.
- [CARLY]: Oh, my God.

- She's so cute.
- So adorable.

I don't need compliments.
I need a way out of this.

Look, it's gonna be great.

You'll get to do activities
with kids your own age,

earn badges, and, the best part?

You and I will get to spend
a lot more time together.

If you want to hang out more, just ask,

so I can try to pencil you in.

[EXHALES] Is it just
me, or is life grand?

Somebody's wearing the
clothes he had on yesterday.

Are you doing the walk of sh...

Shame we can't stay.

[MILLICENT]: Stop impeding my education.

So what happened to
you? You meet a lady?

Way more probable, he thought
that shirt and tie combo

was cute enough to repeat.

[WHISPERS]: It isn't.

I did meet a lady.

I was at the art gallery
gushing over my own sculpture

and there she was: Argenthina.

She's fan-thastic. And
she gave me this tie.

I try to avoid complimenting men,

but leopard is my favorite neutral.

Homegirl got taste.

[CARLY]: Hey, Spencer,

how do you feel about Harper

sharing your studio
with me so she can put

all of her looks in a book
instead of our living room?

- Mm...
- It's Black History Month, so you have to say yes.

Mm-hmm.

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see
the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best
and leave the rest to me ♪

This is great.

Two modern women, working side by side,

creating art that will change the world.

I'm editing a video where
I see how many marshmallows

I can fit in my mouth.

Spoiler, it's more than you think.

I'm gonna put my headphones on.

Let me know if you need anything.

One mallow!

Two mallow!

Three mallow! [LAUGHS]

Oh, my God, this is even
funnier than when I filmed it!

Is it?

Uh... Harper?

I love a spa trip as
much as the next girl,

but the steam's kind of k*lling me.

Oh, am I harshing your "mallow"?!

I see what you did there,
but joke's on you,

'cause I'm totally gonna use that.

- And now a toast.
- Ah.

To chance encounters and
exploiting opportunities.

My darling Argenthina.

To getting lost in your eyes,

and then somehow finding my
way out through your ears.

- Or possibly your nostrils.
- Please stop.

Ooh, that reminds me.

I brought you a little gift.

Is that a pterodactyl egg?

You're the one who outbid me on eBay?

[CHUCKLES] No, it's a digital assistant.

Introduce yourself.

Good evening, I'm Mr. Spencer Shay.

[DEVICE] [ARGENTHINA'S VOICE]:
You need a mint.

Now ordering breath mints.

- Wait, that's your voice!
- I do the voice.

You know, this apartment
just looks so familiar.

Wait.

Never mind, I know. I've
seen it on iCarly.

You watch iCarly?

- I watch everything.
- Oh.

You know, Maybe if Carly's
lucky, we'll meet someday.

[HARPER]: Take your
marshmallows and stuff them.

- That's what I was doing.
- Ooh, sick comeback.

I'll come up with a better
one in the shower.

- You better not. I need to pee when you're in there!
- Ladies,

ladies.

What is going on?

[BOTH]: She started it.
What? No, you started it.

Okay. Finger-pointing
and speaking in unison

won't solve anything.

Who's she?

Yeah. Who is she?

She's the woman I'm trying
to be on a date with.

- This is...
- Argenthina Woolridge.

Harvard and MIT graduate,
Forbes list of women

with unlisted ages
and founder of LeapIN.

Ooh, the trampoline place?

I thought you needed a kid to go there.

No, it's a ladies-only coworking space

meant to propel women
into corporate powerhouses.

And we have a juice bar.

- Wow, we could really use that.
- Mm-hmm.

I love juice and if we work
together for one more minute,

- I'm gonna k*ll her.
- Girl, I have a black belt.

- Yeah, from Prada.
- Ooh, drag me.

Well, we're having a prospective
members salon this weekend.

You should come by and check it out.

Okay, they'll be there.

Now can you please be anywhere else?

- So great meeting you.
- Yeah. See you at the salon.

Okay. Now, where were we?

[DEVICE]: Recommence flirting.

- Isn't she great?
- Yeah.

Who wants lemonade?

You girls must be tired from
all that vision-boarding.

Mr. Benson, we don't
use the word "girls".

But you're called the Sunshine Girls.

Not if we win our class-action lawsuit.

Okay, let's see how you guys
have mapped out your dreams.

Olive, we'll start with you.

Miss Kiki, I made a rainbow.

It represents community and unity.

Ugh, how derivative.

Great job, Olive.

I think that deserves
some sunbeam fingers.

[ALL SHRIEKING]

So, Millicent, what's on your board?

A penthouse condo, a
pyramid made of gold bricks

and a life insurance policy.

You know, in case something
"happens" to my future spouse.

I also drew a heart.

- [ALL SHRIEKING]
- [LAUGHS]

Hey, I think the pyramid's awesome.

[KIKI]: You know what I heart?

Our annual fudge ball sale.

- What's that?
- It's our biggest fundraiser.

Ooh, I do like funds.

Ooh, well, the money goes to corporate.

But you get something even better.

A badge.

[CHUCKLES] Look, Kiki,
that's not gonna cut it.

If I do the work, I should get paid.

That's my girl.

I mean, young person.

Well, maybe one day you
can start your own club

and make whatever rules you want.

That's the smartest thing
you've ever said, Kiki.

I'll sell my own fudge balls.

Then you will be hearing
from our lawyers.

Then we will be selling something else.

A leap is a group of leopards,
hence the decor.

As you can see, it's an ideal workspace

where you can dip in for
an hour between meetings.

Not to mention the member closet
you can borrow clothes from.

It's purr-fect for a lookbook. [LAUGHS]

What is in this green juice?

You thought of everything.

Podcast studio, conference rooms,

meditation labyrinth.

Embroidery class, puppy
rental for dating profile pics,

bra concierge.

What are those?

Oh, that is a Femi-nest.

Trademarked, patent pending.

So often women are told we
can't express our aspirations.

In the nest, you scream them out.

It's incredibly transgressive.

But they're also soundproof,
so it's not rude.

Go ahead, give it a spin.

Oh, I'd love to, but one time
I was getting an MRI,

and the technician forgot
about me, so I'm good.

Harper hates small spaces, too,
so she's not gonna want to...

Ooh! This is just like Brookstone.

See you!

I'll go grab some membership forms.

Carly?

Toji?

I haven't seen you in months at yoga.

Yeah, I've been taking class here.

Are you thinking about joining?

Uh, maybe. It seems kind of fun.

Oh, it is. I live for LeapIN.

- Don't do it.
- Don't do what?

Don't leap in.

[HARPER]: Wow.

I feel a sense of calm and moral clarity

I've never experienced before.

I'm leaping all the way in.

Toji, tell Harper what you just said.

- Before you sign up, you...
- Here we go.

Dip in for an hour between meetings.

Toji, aren't you late for yoga?

- Thank you for the feedback.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY]

Harper, what do you think?

I'm thinking, do you take Amex?

Exclusively.

Here is a membership form
and you can keep the pen.

- Thank you.
- Carly, how about you?

No, that's cool. I'm good for pens.

If you don't join, you'll
never see Harper again.

'Cause she'll be so busy here at LeapIN.

Yeah, but I don't need a workspace.

I can just use the studio where I sh**t.

iCarly? Three million subscribers,

% women in the coveted
-to- demographic?

How did you know that?

I know my metrics.

I'd love to be on your show.

I could do Thursday at : ,
or you could come here,

which would be better for me.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

I'll definitely be voluntarily
coming back here.

[CHUCKLES]

Great job, Olive. A
hundred more like that

and you'll earn yourself a
three-minute bathroom break.

Don't need one. I'm wearing a diaper.

Love the work ethic.

Wow. Looks great in here.

Everybody's on task, I got a clipboard.

And I filed for an LLC.

What? Millicent's Minions?

Love. Take that, Miss Kiki.

Oh, we are gonna out-cute,
outsmart and outsell

those sunny little goodie-goodies.

No offense, Olive.

None taken. Already b*rned my uniform.

Hey, that reminds me. I went ahead

and optimized our website for mobile,

but what's our growth strategy?

You know? Let's talk marketing.

Do we have a logo?

Looks like Millicent's Minions
has found its secret ingredient.

Revenge?

Yes. And you.

Congrats, you're my new
CDO: chief dad officer.

Did you just called me "Dad"?

Calm down, there were
two other words in there.

I told the Femi-nest I wanted
to build my styling website

and then I got an ad for a class
on how to build a website.

Now, tell me I didn't womanifest that.

You didn't womanifest that.

There's just something off about LeapIN.

Oh, 'cause Toji cried? She cried
when a Popsicle was over.

Yeah. Maybe you're right
and I'm just overreacting.

Of course I'm right.

And look on the bright side.

Now I can work on my lookbook at LeapIN,

and our apartment will finally be clean.

Or not.

Sorry, we needed more counter space.

And these are gluten-free
with leopard spots?

What do you think, I started
this business yesterday?

You did start yesterday.

Cupcakes for my lady. She's celiac.

This is all for the Sunshine Girls?

Nope. ♪ Millicent's Minions. ♪

We started our own business
to outsell the Sunshine Girls.

We're bonding. She even
called me the D-word.

Dumbass?

No. Dad.

We're really connecting.

Great news.

I just came up with
a new cupcake flavor.

Peanut butter crunch.

Ooh, do you have any
idea how many people

have a peanut allergy?

You might as well call
them m*rder-cakes.

- Well, I also came up with a new logo.
- Oh.

Uh, it looks like it was
designed by an -year-old.

It was.

Aw.

Oh, I am putting this on the fridge.

But not the box.

Carly, I'm so glad you decided
to give LeapIN another chance.

Me, too. Honestly, I feel kind
of silly for being so paranoid.

- This flower-arranging class is fun.
- Mm.

And finally, a pop of red at the center

for the heart chakra and blood oaths.

Fun, and now alarming.

I'll come around and check
on everyone's progress.

Oh, my God. Carly Shay

- from iCarly?
- Are you thinking of joining LeapIN?

It would be so perfect for you.

- Because you could just dip in.
- For an hour.

[BOTH]: Between meetings.

I keep hearing that.

Harper loves it here.

Last night's : a.m. hot yoga
session changed her life.

- Mm-hmm.
- Wait, what?

Uh, you were here until : a.m.

working on your lookbook?

Uh, yeah. Like Argenthina
always says, work hard...

[ALL]: Work harder.

Oh, beautiful work, Harper.

Oh, here, let me show you
how to tie off your bouquet.

You see, flowers are like women.

Individually they're
pretty, but useless.

As a group, they're vibrant.

Thriving. Beautiful.

Are you okay?

Hands don't actually need circulation.

Yum. Juice.

So, Carly, have you
reconsidered joining?

Uh, you've given me a lot to process.

In fact, I need to talk to Harper.

Oh, well, the nests
offer excellent privacy.

There's also that super secret room.

My office? No one is allowed in there.

We'll be over here.

Secret rooms?
Middle-of-the-night athletics?

Those freaky pod things?
This place is a cult.

Yeah, but not like a "cult" cult.

It's a fun one, like
a fancy stationary bike

or an overpriced improv class.

- Plus, you can...
- If you say "dip in for an hour

between meetings", I will slap you.

Argenthina was right.

Your negativity is holding me back,

and I will not stand for it any longer.

Now if you will excuse me,

I'm gonna go stock up on DivaCups.

They're unlimited here.

The whole point of a DivaCup
is you only need one.

- [WHIRRING]
- [DOOR OPENS]

We need to talk. Now.

- Cool box.
- Hey, thanks.

I'm just packing up a
sculpture for LeapIN.

Damn it, Argentina is
manipulating everyone.

Manipulating? More like helping.

The other day my accountant
says I needs tax write-offs.

The next thing I knew,
Argenthina says I can donate

one of my sculptures to
LeapIN, as a tax write-off.

And you don't think
that's a little convenient?

It's like she's always one step ahead.

Calm down, Nancy Drew.

I'll have you know Nancy
Drew had successful books,

a number of television spin-offs

and could easily do the
work of two Hardy Boys.

So, thank you for the compliment.

There's something up with
Argentina and those nests,

and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it.

[BEEPS]

Carly?

Yep. It's me. [CHUCKLES]

I'm just stretching.

You are literally the
healthiest person I know.

[CELESTE]: And you're back.

Does that mean you're joining LeapIN?

Uh, thinking about it. It'd be so nice

to just dip in for an hour
between meetings.

[BOTH]: Exactly.

Quick question, do you guys
have a lost and found?

Yeah, it's all the way in the back.

Oh, the other day, I
left my sweater here.

Oh. I'll go look. What color was it?

It's denim, but also camouflage,

with fringe and neon.

Sounds cute. Give me a minute.

Take all the minutes you need.

And maybe you should help her.

'Cause I'm a Gemini,
so it's probably better

if two people go.

That makes so much sense.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

[BEEPS]

- You're spying on people.
- Carly.

I'm just eavesdropping.

But that's illegal.

Not according to our terms of service.

Nobody reads those things.

What's the problem? Your
phone is listening to you.

Social media's listening to you.

Well, yeah, that's 'cause
it's trying to sell you some...

Oh, God, the nests are mining our data

so you can sell us stuff.

Not me. Corporations who are willing

to pay me for your data.

It's actually a much
better business model

than selling an actual product.

I won't let you get away with this.

[LAUGHS]

Listen, you little bitch.

I am done asking nicely.

Put me on iCarly so
I can promote LeapIN.

Or what? You won't let me dip in
for an hour between meetings?

Or...

... your friend's little lookbook

might disappear off this flash drive.

Fine. But you're driving.

Fun. We can put the top down.

Hey, hey, great news.

The Pear Store approved our app.

Wait, what's going on?
Why isn't anybody working?

We're in the middle of a board meeting.

Motion to remove Mr.
Benson as acting CDO.

- I second that motion.
- Great.

You're f*ring me?

We haven't officially
voted yet, and Olive

still has to finalize your
exit package, but yes.

[SCOFFS] Um, do you girls
mind giving us a moment?

You cool, Millicent?

I'm cool.

[SCOFFS] What is this all about?

Millicent's Minions was
supposed to be about cupcakes

and taking down the Sunshine Girls.

Yeah, and that's what we're doing.

No. That's what you're doing.

You were supposed to help,

but instead you took over
and got carried away,

and now Olive doesn't have
any feeling in her left hand.

Oh, man, I'm gonna get another
mean voice mail from her mom.

[SIGHS] Look, Millicent, I'm sorry.

I just wanted to spend time with you,

but I didn't even get to do that.

Look, you may not be CDO anymore,

but I guess I'll keep you on as my dad.

Dad?

Don't make it weird.

[CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES] Sorry. Okay. Um...

Good luck with your cupcakes.

Oh, no, we're done.

That was gonna be the
next item on the agenda.

It's time to pivot to real estate.

It's all about passive income.

How much money do we have in the bank?

Spencer?

Hey, Harper. Enjoying flourishing

in your all-women environment?

I was. What are you doing here?

Oh, they gave me a man-pass
so I could set up my sculpture.

I just have to stay six feet
away from members

and not make a scene.

- Ooh, cucumber water.
- [ALARM SOUNDING]

[DEVICE]: Caution: man!

- Caution: man!
- Get it off!

- Get it off me!
- Caution: man!

Caution: man! Caution: man!

- Caution...
- [ALARM STOPS]

Did I make a scene?

Nah, I'm sure no one noticed.

[GASPS]

The secret room.

[LAUGHS]: Ooh.

What a fun airport security vibe.

[HARPER]: There's Toji.

Why is there a live feed
inside the nests?

For safety stuff. Nothing nefarious.

Why is there a live feed
of your living room?

Okay, that's a little nefarious.

What's your boyfriend/my
brother gonna say about this?

I don't care.

I was just using Spencer to get
to you and your subscribers.

[HARPER]: Oh, my God.

Carly was right.

All that free eye cream
brightened my eyes

but blinded me to the truth.

We got to get to the
studio and help her.

Oh, after we grab two
green juices for energy.

Three. One for Argenthina...
Damn it, I still love her!

Come on. What is taking so long?

[SIGHS] T-The camera's being weird.

I don't know how to fix it.

My producer Freddie usually does this.

Oh, God, Carly, that's
embarrassing, all right?

You really need a man
to just turn on a camera?

Carly, we're here to save you.

And I didn't get you a green juice.

But you can have mine.

CARLY: No... Don't give her anything.

She's evil.

Yeah. An evil genius.

Hardly. She's using the nests

to mine data just like every phone does.

Her plan is kind of basic. No offense.

[LAUGHS]: Basic? Basic?

Okay. Your phone might pick up
a random word here and there;

my nests record your deepest
insecurities, in high-def.

Women are so stupid and malleable,

once you know what makes them feel bad,

they'll buy anything to fix it.

When I take LeapIN global,

I'll have nests across the world,

and it all starts with
the three million idiots

who watch your show.

Now, how long before the camera's ready?

Actually, it's been recording
this entire time.

Say hi, Argenthina.

You recorded that?

Sure did.

And if you don't want
the entire Internet

to know that their "feminist icon"

is actually some woman-hating fraud,

then you'll give Harper
back her drive right now.

Okay, Nancy Drew.

See, Spencer? It is a compliment.

I say we expose Argenthina

with maybe a miniseries on
a premium streaming network.

[CARLY]: Ooh, really drag it out.

- Ten episodes. Maybe even a second season.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Fine.

Delete the footage and
I'll give you the drive.

Oh, I'm so happy I got my drive back!

See? It's a little stiletto.

Just want to put it out
there, I don't mind

if you still want to spy on me.

[BOTH]: Spencer.

All right, ladies, even though
it is a big sacrifice,

I am willing to give up
my walk-in pantry.

It's not like it was getting any use.

White people don't season their food.

What she meant to say was "thank you".

Ooh, I'm gonna love working here.

Especially 'cause it costs zero dollars.

We don't need Argentina or LeapIN.

Wait, is LeapIN bad?

Argentina was using the
nests to mine our data.

Oh, I don't care. I love targeted ads.

That's how I found these clogs.

But you were in tears.

Remember? Y-You told
me, "don't leap in".

That's 'cause I get free guest passes.

Plus, I'm just an emotional person.

[CRYING SOFTLY] Sorry,
I'm just thinking about

if I never found the clogs.

Well, you shouldn't pay
to be part of a community.

Women should help each other,
not profit off each other.

I know that's right.

Who's interested in
purchasing a time-share

from a female-owned small business?

Ooh, me. Sign me up.

Do you take Amex?

That's my young person.