05x01 - Fresh Off the RV

[bunniefuu]

You got a baby coming.

A car seat just won't fit.

We tried it on the turnpike
with a watermelon.

If it's okay, Lou, I'd like a
few moments alone with her.

♪ ♪

[WHISTLES]

That's a -footer.

.

Calvin, General Manager

of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Motors.

Oh, I get it. [CHUCKLES]

Like the NBA legend.

You guys are just copying
Shaq Motors across town.

No, no. He's copying me.

[GASPS]

Always has.

I'm a Laker center. He's a Laker center.

I buy a car lot. He buys a car lot.

I star in a movie.

He stars in... "Shazam."

It was "Kazaam."

I got this, Melvin.

[WHISPERING] It's Calvin.

Kareem, I didn't know
you owned a car lot.

I come down here every so often

to make sure things are going right.

Oh, yeah. It's a real morale boost

for those that work here
the other days a year.

Morale was boosted pretty high

when I dropped those skyhooks

on your co-ed recreation-league game.

Still didn't play no defense.

So, you interested in this RV?

Oh. Oh, no. I'm just, uh,

helping my friend trade in his car.

Long may you run, Cherry.

Long may you run.

[SMOOCHES]

Well, look, why don't we
just go for a test drive?

[SIGHS] I don't know.

KAREEM: All the comforts of home,

except your address is Adventure, USA.

I have always wanted to take the
family out on the pavement,

road-trip it like one of
those families on TV.

Close your eyes, Louis.

Turn the keys. Embark.

["FULL HOUSE" THEME SONG PLAYS]

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face of
somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out there ♪

♪ And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Shoo-ba-doo-ba-baba-dow ♪

The Huangs across America.

So, cash? Or how does this work?

Louis!

Honey's in labor! Sh... Hey.

The co-pilot from "Airplane."

C-Come on! We gotta go!

This close to a sale.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

♪ ♪

Can you believe it?

Our baby boy came out a girl.

[CHUCKLES] What a show.

It doesn't happen much,

but the technician misread the sonogram.

And what we thought was his deedle-doo

was actually a thing-a-ma-which.
[CHUCKLES]

- Umbilical cord.
- Yeah.

So, now we need a girl's name.

Did you already have a
boy name picked out?

Well, Marvin insisted
on a nautical theme,

so we were down to two... Jonah and...

Ishmael.

So a happy miracle, indeed.

[CHUCKLES] And just think,
your baby's due tomorrow.

Your book... "A Case of
a Kn*fe to the Brain."

Oh, gosh. [SIGHS]

Already? I almost forgot.

You did send birth announcements
to the entire HOA.

Oh, that was a joke. [CHUCKLES]

Of course I don't think my
book is an actual baby...

though I did spend more
than nine months on it.

What did you mean by "deedle-doo"?

[EMERGENCY BRAKE ENGAGES]

So, about your baby sister...

No, we're not naming her "Jamiroquai."

Alright. We'll circle
back to this in a week

when you're not so close to it.

Yeah, about that.

We need to have a talk.

A Saturn talk.

Whoa.

[SUNROOF CLOSES]

Saturn secure.

What happens in here stays in here.

sh**t.

I'm moving to New York with my mom,

and I got into this school
that teaches fashion,

and I don't think I can pass it up.

[SIGHS] Sorry. I know this sucks.

That's...

awesome!

- It is?
- Totally! New York City?

You can chill out in the park,

order pizzas at : a.m.,

and Beastie Boys songs will
make a lot more sense now.

Why is there no sleep till Brooklyn?

Well, you're about to find out.

Wow. I thought this talk

was gonna be a whole lot tougher.

Please. You know me
better than that. What?

Did you think I was gonna
start crying or something?

[FAKES CRYING, LAUGHS]

♪ Happy Book Day to you ♪

♪ Happy Book Day to you ♪

♪ Happy... ♪

I have a reading for my novel today,

and I need to decide on a passage.

"Snap! And suddenly the
only sound was the rope,

creaking under his weight

and the fading pendulum scrape

of his steel-toe boots
against the hickory planks."

Powerful.

Do you like that passage

or the one where they find
the paperboy's bloody bike?

Hmm, tough call. They're
both great. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, where is this reading?

The bookstore.

My publisher thinks it
might help boost sales,

which could lead to TV spots,

a book tour... maybe even Oprah.

[GASPS] The Big "O."

[CHUCKLES] I-I mean, "big" like a star.

She actually looks great now.

And she did before, too.

[CLEARS THROAT] Um, this is great.

Uh, I'll get the boys, and
we'll all go to the reading.

But it's my job.

I don't go to the restaurant
and stare at you.

Remember?

We found that it didn't
improve your productivity.

But this is your big day, and
it'll be good for the boys.

They learn by watching
us, and they should see

how your hard work pays off.

You would just be taking up
space from actual book-buyers.

Plus, if I want to read
the graphic sex scenes,

I need to feel comfortable
doing all the sound effects.

♪ ♪

_

"So You Wanna Be a Psychiatrist"?

You know how I plan to
become Doctor President.

Well, I always assumed I'd be a surgeon.

The respect...

The mastery of fine motor skills...

The ladies.

But after spending three
hours in the hospital

visiting Honey's baby,

I don't think I can stand the smell.

Can you mail a hot dog?

I'm making a list of stuff I want Nicole

to send me from New York...

a Statue of Liberty lighter,

whatever a knish is, a b*llet.

Any ideas for her going-away gift?

I'm always game to power-browse

Things Remembered at the mall.

Why would I get her a gift?

Because she's your friend.

I have tons of friends.

I'm not trying to dole out prizes

every time one of them skips town.

But Nicole is different.

Oh, because she's a chick?

That's sexist, homey.

No, I mean, you two are so close.

Aren't you sad she's moving?

Sad? Pfft.

She's only leaving for school,

and she'll be back on
the holidays and stuff.

Guys, it's not a big deal.

♪ ♪

"The lady doth protest
too much, methinks."

Uh, can we stay on Eddie for a second?

I think he's pretending he
doesn't care Nicole is leaving.

Yeah, that's what I...

He's in denial. I read
about this in my book.

He needs to admit he's sad
and talk about his feelings.

Or he might dissociate completely

and chop us all up in our sleep.

That's an extreme example in
here, but it does happen.

Boys, get ready. We're gonna
surprise Mom at her reading.

We're going to the bookstore.

- Hallelujah!
- Get ready to feast, brain!

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Wow, look at this line.

It's like Mommy is Space Mountain.

Sorry. We're not letting
anyone else in today.

Fire code.

We'll have plenty of books tomorrow.

[CROWD GROANS]

You know what? That's fine.

She's doing it, boys.

We'll just surprise her back home.

You made me put on my dress shorts.

[EXCITED, INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ ♪

I'm a failure.

♪ ♪

Hey, Jessica.

We know what happened at the reading.

You do?

We went there to surprise you.

Look, it isn't easy to say, but I...

Absolutely k*lled it! [CHUCKLES]

It was so crowded we
couldn't even get in.

We were so excited, we made you...

A case of a Kn*fe to the brain.

Cake!

A cake of a Kn*fe to the brain!

One line, Ma.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, tell us all about it.

♪ ♪

What can I say? The book is a hit.

- Alright!
- Yes, Mom!

But it's not a big deal.

You're right. It is a very big deal.

Boys, your mother's hard work

has led to this great success.

How big a hit are we
talking? Are we rich?

Can we get a pet puma?!

Let's just say the store

has never sold as many
copies on a first day.

[CHUCKLES] So, a-a book
tour? TV interviews?

[GASPS] Oh, my God. Is
Regis on the table?

I don't want to jinx it,

so just don't go crazy spending money.

Yeah, nobody "MC Hammer" this thing.

♪ ♪

The river on the east
side is the East River,

but the river on the west is the Hudson?

Good luck, Nicole.

At least he's thinking about her.

That's good, right?

I'm afraid not. It's
classic sublimation.

His denial has turned into productivity.

He's losing his sense of self.

When has Eddie ever
researched for pleasure?

My God.

He needs to face his feelings soon,

or when it finally hits him,

he'll lash out at someone.

Chop. Chop.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Hey, dawg.

Evan and I were just
talking about Nicole.

Your best friend who's moving away.

You two sure have had some
great times together.

Mm.

♪ Back in the days when I was
young, I'm not a kid anymore ♪

♪ But some days I sit and
wish I was a kid again ♪

♪ Back in the days when I was
young, I'm not a kid anymore ♪

♪ But some days I sit and wish ♪

- ♪ I was a kid again ♪
- [EDDIE SCREAMS]

♪ And everybody say ♪
♪ I remember way back when ♪

♪ And everybody say ♪
♪ I remember way back when ♪

♪ And everybody say ♪
♪ I remember way back when ♪

♪ What? ♪
♪ Back in the day ♪

♪ When? ♪
♪ Back in the day ♪

Yeah, we have had some great times.

Thanks for reminding me, guys.

There's so much stuff I have to get out

of her car before she goes...

my CD Player, Bootyman hat,

drive-thru window gorilla mask.

For our door... padlock or dead bolt?

[SIGHS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Louis! What did I tell you
about spending money?

There isn't even enough room
in the pantry for all of this.

True. But there is room...

in here.

[HORN HONKS "FULL HOUSE" THEME]

What... is... this?

It's a NationWheeler with
all the bells and whistles.

Why is this?

Now we can all go on your
book tour as a family.

Finally take that road
trip across America

we've always talked about.

We can see the Heartland.

And the regions of the South

once decimated by the boll weevil.

How much did this house-truck cost?

I knew that would come
up, but don't worry.

It's a business write-off.

- _
- ♪ ♪

Now as we drive across the land,

everyone will know best-selling
author Jessica Huang is aboard.

Is that my driver's license photo?

Um, so, what do you say?
Huangs across America?

♪ ♪

Sure.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

I live here now.

♪ ♪

I remember packing for the
big city around your age.

Of course, back then all you needed

was a bar of soap and your wits.

We're gonna miss you, Nicole.

And so will little Maria.

[BABY CRYING IN DISTANCE]

Ah, sounds like Coral's stirring.

I'll go get Coral.

No, no. Stay. I'll get Maria.

[CRYING CONTINUES]

Mm!

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Hey. Still going to New York, huh?

Yeah. I leave tomorrow at : .

Phew. I thought I missed you.

I left a bunch of crap in the Saturn

and wanted to get it back.

Yeah. Here you go.

Whoa. My old Kris Kross CD! [CHUCKLES]

I was getting the car ready to sell,

and that was stuck to a Frosty lid.

Wait. You're selling the Saturn?

New York's way too expensive for a car.

That's why all the cops ride horses.

I'll take the subway, no big deal.

No big deal?

You're cool with just
dumping the Saturn?

Who cares about all the
good times we had in there?

And our Saturn talks...

I guess those meant nothing to you.

Now you're upset?

You're more worked up about the car

than when I said I was leaving!

Well, to be fair, the car
isn't moving to New York

and totally bailing on me for
the rest of high school!

You know what? Forget it.

Have fun in New York! Peace.

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

Aren't the Cascades enchanting, family?

[CHUCKLES]

No, thank you.

Oh, my God. Is that Bigfoot?

Emery, get the camera!

Set it to burst mode!

[SCOFFS] Then just bring it here!

Louis?

Oh, hey.

I thought you and I could celebrate

with some champagne.

I just want you to take a second

to really soak it all in.

You did it.

Thanks.

And you deserve some fun,

so tomorrow, I'm buying
his-and-her Jet Skis

so we can zip around Havasu
like a pair of dragonflies.

They're not cheap, but
neither is happiness.

The book is a flop, Louis!

What?

[SIGHS] It sold less than
copies nationwide.

What about that line at the store?

Everyone was there for
some other book...

"Boy Witch."

Written by a homeless British
teacher of all things.

Then why did you say it was a hit?

Because between you and the cake

and Evan's big saucer
eyes going blink, blink,

I didn't have a choice.

I guess people just weren't
ready for your talent.

But, hey, maybe your
work will be worth more

when you're dead like Monet.

[SIGHS]

We'll have to cancel the road trip.

But the boys were so excited.

But can't just fake a book tour.

Everything will be fine.

I'll return this tomorrow,
and then when I get back,

we'll tell the boys what
happened with your book.

Okay?

Okay.

♪ ♪

[DOOR CLOSES]

Good night, Havasu.

♪ ♪

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Morning, Ma.

I'm returning the RV, so let me know

if you hid any chewing
tobacco in the seat pockets.

_

What?!

♪ ♪

Where's the first stop
on the book tour, Mom?

Uh, Miami.

But we're going north.

It's a shortcut.

Huh. Why couldn't we wait for Dad?

He'll join us later.

There was an emergency
at Cattleman's Ranch.

What happened?!

Hector's earring fell into the chili!

Let Mommy focus on the road, please!

Eddie, I was hoping we
could really dig in

on your childhood today.

[GROWLING] Go... away!

We're gonna reschedule.

[PEN CLICKS]

Hey, uh, is Kareem here?

They always ask for Kareem.

He's showing a customer an RV.

Stupid question, but what
does "RV" stand for?

[SNORES]

[QUIETLY] Oh, sorry, sorry.

Did my wife return an RV this morning?

-foot ad of an Asian lady on the side?

This morning? No.

Damn it. She took our kids,

and I have no idea where they went.

Well, our RVs come standard with LoJack.

I could get the tracker
and help you find them.

Oh, great. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, you and Kareem, right?

There it is!

Another win for Team Kareem.

Kareem did it.

Not the computer inside the LoJack.

[SIGHS]

That's not good.

Don't worry. All the
knives are accounted for.

Hey, where's your mom?

Doing a reading at the bookstore.

♪ ♪

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?!

Dude, Nicole is gonna flip.

She has a poster of you
fighting Bruce Lee in her room.

Whoa. An RV is no place to be sad.

My best friend is moving
away, and we got in a fight,

but I'm cool. I'm cool.

A double "I'm cool"?

Let's not gloss over this.

[SIGHS] I have three years
of high school left,

and she's the only friend
who really gets me,

who speaks Eddie.

I take it you're Eddie?

I get it. It's hard to say goodbye.

But you're making this about you.

You got to realize that
it's hard on her, too.

Why? She's the one leaving me.

Look, I'm at my car
lot five days a year.

When I leave, my
employees are super sad,

but they're not seeing things

from where I stand at ' ".

I have to leave my best
friends, K... Ke...

Kevin, all of them.

I didn't even think about that.

Don't let your best friend leave

without knowing she's your best friend.

I get it, Kareem. Thanks.

I thought for sure that you were
gonna use a basketball metaphor.

Well, you know, I'm a man
of, uh, many talents.

They used to think they
had me pinned and then...

- skyhook.
- [CHUCKLES]

That's how you break down a wall.

[SCOFFS] He can fly now?

Guess I should've given Jennifer Hong

the ability to defy physics.

Garbage.

LOUIS: Jessica?

Why'd you run off with the boys?

I stole your idea.

I'm taking them on a fake book tour.

It's going well. Tomorrow
we tackle the Panhandle.

Jessica, what's going on?

I don't want the boys to
find out about my book.

They'll never respect me again.

[SCOFFS] That's ridiculous.

Is it? You said yourself
they learn from watching us.

If they see my book is a dud,
you know what they learn?

That their mom is a failure.

♪ ♪

Just because the book didn't sell

doesn't mean you are a failure,

but you can't hide this.

It's just as important
for the boys to see

how you deal with a loss as
it is to see you succeed.

It's just I've never failed
like this before in my life.

I know.

But I've failed hundreds of times,

and you were always there for me.

Let me be there for you.

You have failed a lot.

Building your own dirt bike.

Beekeeping.

- Cattleman's in a cup.
- Yep.

The banjo, "Top Hat" Louis,

forming your own break-dance crew.

Okay, let's go tell the boys.

I'm just gonna finish this chapter.

No.

Boys, your mother has something

she needs to tell you about her book.

Sometimes you forget

how stupid the rest of the world is.

Like how all anybody cares about

is whether some snotty
British boy can fly and...

Eddie? What's wrong?

I never said goodbye to Nicole.

And she leaves in an hour,

and now we're here on this book tour.

I messed up.

♪ ♪

Book tour is cancelled.

We're going home so
Eddie can see Nicole.

- Sweet!
- Yes.

You're not gonna tell them?

I will later, but right
now, our son needs us.

The one thing I can't
ever fail is our boys.

Oh!

- [KEYS CLATTER]
- How about a heads-up?

♪ ♪

[BRAKES HISS]

Damn it! We're minutes late!

Nicole! You're still here!

I thought you were leaving at : .

I'm leaving at : .

I told you : because

it always takes you longer
than it should to come around.

[SIGHS]

You really do speak Eddie.

Got time for one last Saturn talk?

I'm sorry I was a dope.

I'm just... really gonna miss you.

You're going to miss me?

How am I supposed to
make it without you?

You had permanent shotgun.

I mean, you've been there
through everything.

I know it sucks we won't be
together talking like this,

but you're gonna k*ll it in New York.

- You're Nicole.
- [CHUCKLES]

I'm gonna miss you, girl.

I'm gonna miss you, fool.

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

[SNIFFLES]

Are you crying?

Nah. It's just my allergies. [CHUCKLES]

Okay.

Because you know what happens in here

stays in here, forever.

Whew! It's...

It's really flaring up now.

[BOTH LAUGH]

And with that home run,

Sammy Sosa retakes the
lead over Mark McGwire.

Slammin' Sammy!

You know he's on steroids, right?

What steroids?

Hey, I know it's going to be difficult,

but you still need to tell the boys

what happened with the book.

♪ ♪

What book?

[SIGHS]

I know what you're doing,

but you can't just deny it happened.

Deny what happened?

Uh-oh.