05x04 - Driver's Eddie

[bunniefuu]

MR. OCCIPINTI: Come in,
people! Come on in!

Find a seat.

This is gonna be awesome.

I can't wait to get behind that wheel.

Hang a Louie on the I- .

Dude, I've already been driving
all summer with my parents.

Me too. Long trips.

I drive, my mom stares out the window,

and we both think of what
it would've been like

if we never got out of Memphis.

I didn't know everyone was driving.

Don't worry, Eddie. I'm with you.

My sisters refuse to let me drive.

They say I get too many leg spasms.

Eddie, you have calm legs.
Why haven't you driven?

Have you met my parents?

Are you gonna have trouble

getting them to sign
the permission slip?

[THUMPS]

Mnh. No. I have an airtight plan.

I'm going to hit up my dad

during a monthly father-son
trip to the mustard shop.

Fancy mustard always
puts him in a good mood.

[HORN HONKS "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"]

♪

What's up, suckers?

Pretty nice day.

Figured I'd ride my hog.

How did you get your driver's license?

I'm older than you guys.

I stayed back in second grade.

On purpose.

Liked the upcoming talent better.

What's it like? Driving?

On your own? No one
screaming at your leg?

It's like... flying

while sitting down.

♪

Damn! I gotta get my license.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

♪

Permission slip for Driver's Ed.

My airtight plan. How?

Your teachers may take the
summers off from you,

but not from me.

I meet with them in July

and go over the upcoming lesson plan.

Even I didn't know she did that.

Look, I need this. I'll do anything.

I'll... I'll cook. I'll clean.

I'll stop smelling bad...

Wait. You signed it?

Of course.

The quicker you can drive,

the quicker I can stop
being the family taximan.

Oh, my God. Let's go right now.

No way. You learn on our car,

we'll need new brakes,
new bumpers, new rods.

You can learn at school.

But that's months of classroom time

before we even get in the car!

I know. I have the lesson plan.

What your mom means to say is,

this is a big responsibility.

No need to rush. Enjoy the process.

This is the milestone
of young adulthood.

I can think of a better one.

In Taiwan, I was driving
a bus when I was .

[SCOFFS] I didn't have the
luxury to take my time.

I had to learn on the fly...

with the constant fear
of delivering myself

and a busload of commuters
to a fiery death.

I lost my thermos on the first day.

♪

I have some vacuuming to do,
but maybe after I finish,

we can continue our Boggle match?

[DICE RATTLING]

Sorry. I have a commitment later.

Oh, you have a commitment, do you?

I'd love to know what's more
important than Boggle Brothers.

Grandma invited me to hang
out at her new place.

It's the garage. The
old tenant was a car!

And in the future, when
we get invited out,

can you put it on the
calendar so I know?

Luckily, I keep my Saturdays light.

Actually, Grandma only invited me.

What?! We're a package deal.

Who invites butter but not the rolls?!

[SIGHS]

- I got you. I got you.
- [FUSSING]

LOUIS: [CHUCKLES]

Someone's a little fussy pants.

[CHUCKLES] A little?
I'm all fussy pants.

- [LAUGHS]
- [FUSSES]

There we go. Okay.

- She just won't sleep, Lou.
- Mm.

I swear, Honey's serving up coffee milk.

- Can I drive?!
- Nope.

Where are you guys off to?

Eddie and I are taking
our monthly excursion

to The Mustard Squeeze.

Oh, man, I wish I had
had a dad like you.

- [CHUCKLES]
- You know, one that prepares

his son for the world

and everything in it.

I don't know about that.

I'm serious, Lou.

I was thrown to the wolves.

No one protected me.

No one taught me

that there were good and
bad mustards out there.

Your kid, no matter what
sandwich comes his way,

is gonna know what to put
on it because of you.

[CHUCKLES] Is this still about mustard?

Yeah. No.

I don't know.

[SIGHS]

Well, you know, when Eddie was a baby

and wouldn't sleep, I'd put him
in the car and drive him around.

He'd pass right out.

- Just like that?
- Huh?

Works every time.

- [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS]
- _

♪

[ALL SPEAKING MANDARIN] _

_

_

_

Why would you cover an
owl's cage at night?

They're nocturnal.

Hmm.

I was looking for the
hourglass timer for Boggle.

Hope I didn't interrupt
anything important.

No. Grandma was just telling me

about how her and Yeye met.

Oh. I'd love to hear that story.

_

_

I can just hold the wheel and steer

if you want to rest your arms.

I know what you're doing.

You think because I'm
full of gourmet mustard

and away from your mom, I'll give in.

Nice try.

Oh, car trouble. I'm gonna
see if they need any help.

Stay in here.

Hey! You need some help?

I think it's just overheated.

Probably just your rods.

[SIREN CHIRPS]

Oh. Hmm.

All right, sir,

can you tell me how you
caused the accident?

E-Excuse me?

No, it wasn't him. He was just...

No, you don't have to cover for him.

We all know whose fault it was.

Uh... his car overheated.

I pulled over to help.
There was no accident.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Well, that's a nice surprise.

Normally, it's, you know...
[IMITATES RADIO DISPATCHER]

"We got another crash
on Sycamore due to,

you guessed it, Asians. Over."

Uh... what is that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on, I'm joking.

You get it! [LAUGHS]

I'm not a r*cist. Come on.

My... My training officer was Korean.

MARVIN: Man, I wish I
had a dad like you...

One that prepares his son

for the world and everything in it.

No one protected me.

No one taught me that there were

good and bad mustards out there.

Hey, do you understand the words

that are coming out of my mouth?!

[CHUCKLES]

It's "Rush Hour."

[SCOFFS] It's the best
movie of the summer,

possibly of all time.

I, uh, haven't seen it.

How have you not seen it?

You would love it!

[LAUGHS]

♪

I'm gonna teach you to drive.

You're gonna be the best
damn driver on the road.

Holy... nuts.

- Seriously?! What happened?
- [SEAT BELT CLICKS]

The officer was just reminding me

how dangerous it is out there.

And it's my job to make
sure you're prepared.

This is the best mustard trip ever!

All right, hydrate,

do some light stretching,
and get some sleep.

Training starts tomorrow.

I can't believe I'm finally gonna drive.

I'm never walking into
another Wendy's in my life.

- Heeeey!
- Heeeey!

No mustard talk. It gives me a headache.

- Yep.
- We know!

- How you gonna convince her?
- Got an airtight plan.

First, a compliment... play to her ego.

Then a philosophical question
that we can debate for hours.

Once I exhaust her argumentative powers,

I'll put on the charm, and she'll cave.

[SIGHS]

You're so good at
balancing the checkbook.

So... you ever think
they'll create a robot

that can feel joy?

No.

Mmm...

I love you so much.

You are up to something.

My airtight plan. How?!

Spill it.

I want to teach Eddie to drive.

He needs to be ready. More than ready.

No. We agreed.

I know, but I forgot about this

bad-Asian-driver stereotype.

You forgot about it?

You make those jokes all the time.

I do not!

What about this morning?

[THUMPING]

[LAUGHS] Asian driver coming through!

It's okay, Louis.

We can joke about it. We are Asian.

Also, I back into the
trash cans twice a week.

That's because you're a careless driver,

not because you're Asian.

Are we sure?

I'm joking. Kind of.

I thought it was just a dumb thing, too,

until I realized Eddie's
going to be facing it now.

I'm sure he knows all about it.

He's and he reads Angry magazine.

It's MAD magazine.

And there's a huge difference

between reading clever satire at home

and being out there, vulnerable,

exposed to this nonsense.

I never thought about it that way.

We stopped to help someone on
the side of the road today,

and the cop just assumed
that I caused an accident.

Did Eddie hear this?

No, but it's only a matter of time.

If he stops too short or
leaves the blinkers on,

it'll be thrown in his face,

even though everyone else
drives the same way!

People do stick their
finger up at me a lot.

Jessica, the stereotype's out there.

We can't change that.

But we can try to protect our
son from it the best we can,

which means he has to be
doubly prepared, not less.

Okay, you can train him.

Really? Yes, I'm gonna go tell Eddie.

Louis, sometimes he can be a
little slow on the uptake,

so better triple train him to be safe.

♪

Where've you been?

Went for a walk. Fresh air.

I've asked you to walk
with me and the HOA ladies

every day for four straight years.

Suddenly, tonight you catch a
hot case of walking fever?

I heard the moon was
really big, and I...

I saw your bike parked on
the side of the garage.

It always is now that
Grandma lives in there.

How long have these little
hangs been going on?

I don't know. When she
first moved out there,

I thought she'd be lonely,

so I brought her a
housewarming present...

a nice fern.

That's it! Of course!

She hasn't invited me out there

because she's mad I
didn't get her a gift.

Maybe.

Now to figure out what to get

for the woman who has everything.

Did you get a pot to go with that fern?

- Yeah.
- Ugh! Emery!

All right. Let's do this.

I promise to keep it under .

What's that?

Oh, it's your first lesson.

Whoa. Robbing a bank!

I'm gonna learn how to
drive getaway style!

No, it's a tire iron.

You have to learn how the machine works

before you can be expected to master it.

Rotate the tires.

Change the oil, the spark
plugs. Check the fluid.

My friends didn't have to
learn any of this nonsense.

They're already driving!
Brian has a hog!

I made a deal with your mom.

If you want to use our car,

you're gonna have to learn my way.

You gotta stop making deals with Mom.

She tricks you every time.

- Go!
- [STOPWATCH BEEPS]

♪

♪

: and : .

♪

Heavy mist.

Steady rain.

Downpour.

♪

Brake. Accelerate.

- Right turn. Brake.
- [SQUEALS]

Rainbow Road!

Go!

♪

: and : .

[STOPWATCH BEEPS]

♪

[CHUCKLES]

I think you're ready.
Show me what you got.

Okay. I checked the tire pressure,

adjusted the mirror,
released the parking brake,

turned off the radio, and
buckled my seatbelt.

Is that everything?

Forgot to check your blind spot.

No, I did. You just missed it.

Oh, yeah, Jessica?

I don't know how you
didn't smell my sunscreen.

You just got in an accident

because you didn't
check your blind spot.

I'm parked in my own driveway.

Most accidents happen
within a mile of home.

- I'm at home!
- That's within a mile.

We can try again next weekend.

Next weekend?!

Forget it. I'm just
gonna wait for school.

Listen, this is a big
moment in your life,

and I wanted it to be perfect.

But the truth is, there's
this stereotype...

Asians suck at driving?

Yeah, I've heard that crap. Who cares?

You will! I know you.

When you get blamed for
every little thing

that goes wrong on the road
whether it's your fault or not.

So, because people are stupid,

I have to do twice as much work?

I'm not saying it's fair.

Eddie, you can half-ass
this if you want.

Maybe add to the stereotype.

Or you can try to rail against it...

by being better.

It's your choice.

I hate that your "be the change"
speech always gets to me.

[KEYS RATTLE]

[DOOR MOTOR WHIRRING]

Like what you see? Take a picture.

It will last longer.

_

Bearskin rug, eh?

_

So soft.

Maybe we all sit and break it in

while you finish the story
of how you met Yeye.

_

_

_

All right, what's the deal?

I gave her a present times
better than your lame-o fern,

and she's still not giving
me the time of day.

Maybe you're trying too hard.

I'm not buying your cheese. Spill it!

Okay, Grandma doesn't like
telling her stories to you

because, well, you know how you are.

A delight?

You've been known to suck
the fun out of things.

Or as Grandma says, you're
a stick-in-the-mud.

[GASPS]

A stick-in-the-mud?!

I'll have you know a

beaver would call that
the start to a house!

I got to honk the horn
for the first time.

It felt so good!

Yeah, they say you never
forget your first.

I sure didn't.

Hooonnnnnk!

My dad says the most effective
honk is good defensive driving.

Why are you wearing those
gloves if you can't drive?

My sisters realized I can
be their designated driver.

Now they let me drive all the time.

Trish met a guy from Tampa in a bar,

and I cruised them all the way home

while they got busy in the back seat.

What?! You're driving now?!

Welcome to Honktown.

♪

_

_

_

Yeah, it's a good batch.

[ENGINE REVS]

Oh...

_

_

I wonder if he's taking
Maria for a drive

to get her to sleep.

What the hell?!

♪

Eddie's on the lam! Where are my keys?

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- [CRASHING]

Eddie!

Everyone's okay, Lou.

I was too tired to drive, so
Eddie was helping me out.

No one got hurt.

Oh, really? Bianca looks okay to you?

Eddie, what did you do?

Me? Why do you think I caused this?

Because you're inexperienced.

Brian just started driving, too.
Why don't you blame him?

Is it 'cause I'm Asian?

I don't see faces. I see cars.

Well, you didn't see mine!

Eddie's not at fault, Lou.

Old lead-foot here came
screaming around that corner

way too fast.

You are such a hypocrite.

You immediately blame me
'cause I'm the Asian driver.

That's not what I'm doing.

I just assumed because you...

Are Asian?! [SCOFFS] Just own it.

Everybody's a little
bit r*cist. Even you.

First you joke about it,

then you hate it, then you play into it?

Make up your mind!

You weren't supposed
to be driving at all.

Your car. This isn't your car.

I have my learner's permit.

Not anymore. I'm taking it away.

Driving is a privilege, not a right.

Forget this, I'm out!

BRIAN: So, I guess we swap info

and let the claims adjusters

figure out who caused what?

♪

Oh, sorry, I'll give you the room.

Don't want to be a stick-in-the-mud.

Oh, and I was thinking about it.

How is a stick-in-the-mud
a bad thing anyway?

If it's lying flat, you can step on it

to keep your shoes clean and...

You're doing it right now.

You pick apart every little detail.

When someone's telling a story,

when they're watching TV...

I thought people liked
it when I corrected them

so they can learn.

Not really. Especially not Grandma.

But if I were ever wrong,

I'd want someone to correct me.

You're not like most people.

You're special that way.

But Grandma's stories are so...

Nonsensical? Who cares?

It's hard for me to enjoy something

when I know it's wrong.

The little voice in my brain won't quiet

until I fix the mistake.

That's Mom's voice.

It's okay to turn it off
every now and then.

Really? We're allowed to do that?

♪

[GEARSHIFT CLICKS]

[CHUCKLES]

Wish they stayed that size forever.

Yeah.

Hey, thanks for driving us around.

And again, sorry. I didn't know.

It's okay. He just doesn't get that.

That you're only trying to protect him.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

Learning to drive is a huge
moment in a kid's life.

I didn't want this thing
to overshadow it.

I never thought I'd be the
one he first felt it from.

Well, look at the bright
side, Lou, it's the ' s.

People are getting hip.

All this race stuff is almost done with.

Who knew teaching your kid to
drive could be so complicated?

[LAUGHS] Yeah. It was the
same for me and Nicole.

It's crazy for every parent.

You know, it's a time
of very mixed emotions.

Not only is it one of the
last bonding moments,

but you're teaching them to
drive right out of the nest.

I didn't even think of that.

Yeah. Maybe sandbagging your kid

wasn't just to protect him.

Maybe part of it was that
you're just not ready

to have him go out and
get mustard without you.

[CHUCKLES]

_

_

_

_

Hey. [CLEARS THROAT]

It has been pointed out to me

that I can be a stick-in-the-mud.

_

I tried to soften it.

Well, either way, it is a
habit I am trying to fix.

Until then, I figured I'd
fill my mouth with taffy

as insurance should I feel the
urge to enlighten ignorance.

Great.

Then I will stick this giant
piece of candy in my mouth

and try to have a good time.

_

_

_

[LAUGHS]

_

_

[OWL SINGING OPERATICALLY]

[CHUCKLES]

I might need some of that taffy.

♪

Hey, playing some football?

Look, Eddie, when I was
a kid in Taiwan...

You drove a bus.

Hear me out.

Yes, I drove a bus.

But I learned to drive it in a place

where everyone was Asian.

Sounds chaotic.

It was a little hectic, yes,

but only because there were
so many people on the road.

Of course. Sure.

I know I exaggerate the story.

I take after your grandma in that way.

But the truth is, I had
fun learning to drive.

And then I came here and
it became less fun.

So I learned to b*at people to the punch

by joking about it myself.

I don't know if making light
of it is good or bad or both.

I just want things to be easier for you.

And I appreciate you clicking
in on this particular instance,

but I deal with this
nonsense all the time.

Do you know how many
people have asked me

if I've seen "Rush Hour"?

Me too!

I guess you were more ready than I knew.

Dad, I'll be okay out there.

I promise.

And I know you were just
trying to look out for me.

Yeah.

Also, maybe I was a little over-cautious

because I was having a
good time with you,

and I didn't want it to end.

Now, let's go grab the
rest of the family and

go to this movie everyone
thinks we need to see.

It looks good.

I know.

Hey, you know what? I'm a little tired.

Why don't you drive?

Really?

Oh, these are just the old house keys.

That was the final test. You pass.

Well, what did everyone
think of the movie?

The black man who talked
like a girl was funny,

but I thought there was
one too many cheap jokes

at the expense of Chinese stereotypes.

Coming from the lady who brought

food from home to the mall.

That's not a thing. It's just smart.

I'm just glad I got to see

some Asian representation
on the big screen.

Well, I was impressed that
a movie called "Rush Hour"

never once made a bad-Asian-driver joke.

Maybe there's hope for America yet.

- Okay, chopsticks.
- Oh.

♪