05x22 - No Apology Necessary

[bunniefuu]

[Door closes]

Ooh!

Getting a jump on the
Halloween decorations?

The 'ween dec. [Chuckles]

Never. This is from the
window display of my novel,

"A Case of a Kn*fe to the Brain."

Mm.

You know, we never did do that
book tour across America.

We should do a road trip
when Eddie gets back.

We haven't done one since
we moved down here.

♪ I saw the sign ♪

♪ And it opened up my
eyes, I saw the sign ♪

I'm fine if that was the last one.

- [Computer chimes]
- EVAN: Hey!

Eddie sent us an e-mail from Taiwan!

From an Internet café.

Oh, man, those babies are the future.

I bet years from now,

there's two of them for
every Blockbuster.

Print the e-mail so we can read it.

[Printer whirring]

Here it comes.

[Whirring slows]

"What up, other Huangs.

Taiwan is do-ope.

All the unique customs..."

"...the Qing dynasty architecture..."

[Camera shutters clicking]

"...enchanting." [Snores]

"And don't worry. I'm playing
things safe and smart."

I got this, chief.

[Engine revs]

♪♪

Unh! Ugh!

Uggh!

"See you in a few weeks. Peace out."

And then he drew a skull out
of commas and semicolons.

It's quite good.

Eddie's really getting our money's worth

out of cultural exchange.

I can't wait till I get to go.

He had me at "Qing
dynasty architecture."

I'm gonna go hit the Brittanicas.

[Chuckles]

We raised some good kids.

We have.


♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[Sighs] [Door closes]

Hey, Emery. What's wrong?

Too many girlfriends?
[Chuckles] They love him.

I got reprimanded at school
for academic dishonesty.

What?!

Remember that video essay

I did with Grandma for Social Studies?

Well, her language was a little salty,

so I had to do some editing.

My first boyfriend was a
bricklayer from Malaysia.

He's got strong thighs,

and then we used to stay
up all night long...

EMERY: Cross-country skiing.

[Panting]

I got caught,

and Principal Hunter's
making me redo the project.

I'm sorry I got in trouble.

Don't apologize!

It's Grandma's fault.

When you're near the end, anything goes.

You know, if this is "trouble,"

we've raised some pretty good kids.

[Chuckles] You know
what? We really have.

Even Eddie.

I thought he was our throwaway,

but he's really matured.

[Farting noises]

See, the key is to lick your palms.

Quick pit stop for gas,

then we hit the street market for lunch.

Hey, Wendy's! Let's go there for lunch.

[Chuckles] We're not eating
American garbage food.

[Bus door opens, closes]

[Chuckles lightly]

I'm getting that cheeseburger.

[Horns blaring, indistinct talking]

[Sighs] What is it with
the vehicles here?

♪♪

[Air rushing]

Just giving myself a celebratory blow.

[Button clicks] Because...

I got Emery out of trouble.

You faked his death.

Nope, we made a video of him

saying "sorry" in several languages.

We even threw in one as Sean Connery.

[As Sean Connery] "Shorry."

[Sighs] It's your favorite word.

[Normal voice] "Chimichanga"?

No, "sorry." You say it all the time.

I do?

Sorry.

Watch... Oh! Uh...

Sorry! Sorry!

Ooh! Oh! Oh!

Uh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Okay, maybe I say it a lot,

but only to avoid senseless conflict.

It cheapens the word if
you say it all the time.

You're a "sorry" slut.

[Gasps]

Well, at least I say it.

You should only apologize

when you've actually
done something wrong.

But you never apologize.

[Clicks tongue] Bingo.

Thanks again for babysitting Maria.

Of course.

Now, where is the child?

[Maria cooing]

Ah. Yes.

[Clicks tongue] Jessica was right.

He's perfect. Yeah.

- Come on, Honey. Let's go.
- Oh.

[Thud]

Now, any governess worth her frock

comes prepared with the proper tools.

[Xylophone clangs]

Music prepares the infant
mind for mathematics.

Problem-solving begins in the uterus.

Best we catch up, then.

To know ourselves, we must
first know the beasts.

Now, Maria, sometimes a child
needs encouragement to eat.

♪ You are six months,
going on seven months ♪

♪ Baby, it's time to ea... ♪

[Squeak]

The citywide traffic jam began

when American exchange
student Eddie Huang

crashed the bus into a restaurant

for a cheeseburger.

Yo, I didn't crash.

I got stuck. Big difference.

And I never got the cheeseburger.

So you're not sorry

you completely shut down Xinyi District?

It's not my fault the clearance
height was in meters.

I can't be driving and
doing all kinds of math.

It's not safe!

Chimichanga.

Y'all should look into
using feet and miles.

Way less confusing.

So, does this count as
"doing something wrong"?

♪♪

_

- _
- MAN: Hey! Oh!

[Laughter, cheering]

♪♪

_

Taiwan, an entire
island, kicked you out!

Yes, but I didn't get
kicked out empty-handed.

I got you all gifts!

Oh. They were stolen.

But there is a crab
backpack in here for Dad.

LOUIS: This isn't funny, Eddie.

The cultural exchange program

said they won't take your brothers now.

Zàijin, Yale!

That means "Goodbye,
Yale" in Mandarin...

The language that you've been
immersed in for over a month!

You know, I feel like we're only
focusing on the negative here.

Positive?

Your boy's home early!

I'm gonna surprise the crap out of Tina.

No! No Tina crap surprises.

You are grounded... For
the rest of your life!

And for whatever comes after that!

You come back as a mushroom,
that mushroom is grounded, too.

How would you enforce that?

Not now, Emery!

- I had the same question.
- Mm.

I thought you had matured, Eddie.

You got your driver's license.

You were acting more responsible.

But you tricked me!

We wanted to raise good kids,

kids who would make a difference
and stand up for something

and maybe have enough money to
send us to Hawaii twice a year.

But instead, we raised a cheese-burglar.

Wait, Mom.

I know how you feel about

standing up for something, and...

I was. What?

Really, I swear I was!

See, what happened was...

Cheeseburger. [Scoffs]

We're not eating American garbage food.

- You guys are soft.
- Hey! I'm not soft!

And neither are my parents,

especially my beautiful
and ageless mother.

Yeah, well, uh, your parents are fools,

and so is your country.

Boom!

[Drum roll]

I'm not gonna let you disrespect
my parents or my homeland.

- ["The Star-Spangled Banner" plays]
- Are we gonna let him insult

our brilliant mothers and native soil?

And let him deny us cheeseburgers?

No! No! No! No!

No, we are not.

USA!

ALL: USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA! USA!

It was like that movie
"Braveheart," minus the skirts.

No matter what, you can't
just take a bus on a joyride.

You're not a kid anymore,

and you can't make waves
in a different country.

No, Eddie was right.

He was? I was?

You stood up for yourself,
like you should have.

Eternity grounding lifted.

Yes! You heard her! She
said it! No take-backs!

♪♪

Ooh!

Evan likey.

So, if Eddie makes a formal
apology, then you'll let

our other sons participate
in cultural exchange?

No apology necessary. Bye-bye!

Jessica! I was making a deal
with the exchange program.

If Eddie just apologizes,
the boys can go to Taiwan.

So you want him to just roll
over and play dead like...

some kind of animal that
rolls over and plays dead?

This just isn't worth it, Jessica.

Look, I get the instinct to fight.

When I first moved here, I never
backed down from anything.

Whoa. Relax there, fresh-off-the-boat.

I was here first.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen.

I'm going to punch your throat,

then kick your throat,
then chop your throat,

and that's just your throat.

You never told me that story.

Yeah, because he b*at
the hell out of me.

That's why my jaw clicks
whenever I eat a Tootsie Roll.

Still, it was good that I lost.

I'm not sure you understand fights.

[Sighs] I realized you
have to pick your battles.

You want to fight every injustice,

especially as a new immigrant,

but some dumb comment in a grocery store

wasn't worth it, and neither is this.

Eddie made a mistake.
He should apologize.

Well, that's just not how
I want to raise our boys.

If they feel like they've been wronged,

they should fight... Every time.

♪♪

Peek-a-boo!

[Gurgling]

Peek-a-boo!

[Coos]

Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo!

[Sighs]

Will you just take the flippin' bottle?!

[Giggles] Aha!

[Squeak] [Giggles]

[Sighs] Guess we'll
do this the hard way.

[Squeak]

Bbbbbbbbbbbbbb!

[Jaw clicking]

[Knock on door]

Permission to come aboard.

Hey! Hey.

- I hope we're not interrupting.
- Mm.

We just wanted to talk
about Evan's babysitting.

He's been a little...

Harsh.

Harsh? Harsh?

There's a camera inside the bear.

Uhh... what?

Peek-a-boo!

There's one in the moose
at the country club,

so be sure to keep your limericks clean.

[Maria fussing]

If you don't drink your milk,

this is what's gonna happen.

[Squeaking]

[Crying]

Evan!

[Sighs]

We'll handle this. I'm
really sorry, guys.

They just wanted to tell us, Louis.

They didn't come for an apology.

I mean, it wouldn't be the
craziest thing in the world...

- Uh, let's go, Honey. Come on.
- Okay.

[Door opens]

[Door closes]

What was that?!

Okay, I didn't actually spank her.

I was simply suggesting
an alternative outcome

if she refused the bottle.

Look, this isn't gonna be
popular, what I'm about to say,

but here it comes...

She a bitch.

Evan, that's my goddaughter!

Hey, I'm just standing up for myself.

Like Eddie!

[Scoffs]

Chimichanga! This house
is out of control!

Now your "no apology" philosophy
has corrupted Evan, too!

♪♪

Ma, please tell me

this meeting's to announce
a new phone number.

I can't hit up Tina

because that Taiwanese
reporter won't stop calling.

And I had to unplug my phone.

I wanted to announce that I
spoke to the exchange program,

and the boys can now participate!

- Yes!
- This is why you lead us.

I realized that sometimes
you do have to compromise

for the good of others.

So Eddie's going to apologize.

Good God, no. I made a deal.

Lei?

Boys, meet your new sister.

Greetings, host family.

♪♪

Isn't this exciting?!

Lei's host family in
Minnesota fell through

because they got lost in that big mall,

so now she's ours.

Girl, fetch me a Zima.

Jenny, she's not our servant.

Ohh.

She's part of the family
for the next year.

Boys, show Lei to her room.

- Where's her room?
- Your room. The hell?!

[Both chuckle]

You can move in with your brothers.

- The hell?!
- The hell?!

Come on, Lei.

FYI, the nightstand is off-limits...

For your own safety.

Do you know the Backstreet Boys?

Now, don't get me wrong.

I am already starting to plan

some father/exchange-daughter
activities,

but wouldn't it just be
easier if Eddie apologizes?

You wanted the boys back in the program,

so I took care of it.

You won't even know she's here.

[Bell Biv DeVoe's "Poison" plays]

♪ That girl is poison ♪

[Air rushing]

Hi.

♪♪

♪ Never trust a big butt and a smile ♪

[Low-pitched notes playing]
♪ That girl is poison ♪

♪ Poison ♪

♪ Poison ♪

[Notes stop]

♪♪

[Notes resume]

♪ Poison ♪

♪ Poison ♪

[Sighs]

♪ Poison ♪

I'm baking the family a cake!

Yum!

♪ Poison ♪

[Telephone rings]

♪ Poison, poison, poison ♪

Hello?

Yes, this is Cheeseburger Boy's family.

Eddie, why can't you make your bed?

This is our fire lane.
It's got to stay clear.

If I roll it up, it won't dry.

Why is it wet in the first place?

Because of my sleep soda.

One of you turds kicked
it over last night.

And why does Lei get her own room?

Do I get one if I pick up an
instrument twice my size?

Because I can go harp.

I can go harp lickety-split
like a crazy man!

Dude, Evan's really freaking out.

Not so fun when someone
newer and cuter shows up.

Welcome to irrelevance.

Population... Nobody's counting.

[Gasps] That's it!

That's why Maria's in such a bad mood.

[Sighs]

Honey's new baby is Maria's Lei.

[Whispering] Just nod along.

Hey, hey. Hi. [Chuckles]

How are we doing with Lei?

Not great, Pops.

Yeah, this is a mess.

All she does is shower and bake cakes.

I gained pounds.

dirty pounds.

- [Knock on door]
- Shh! It's Lei! Act natural!

Hey, Evan, do you still
have your Beanie Babies?

Lei wants to know about American toys.

No.

Jessica, we need to talk about
Lei. Close the door, please.

No. Louis, quit complaining
about your host daughter!

She's a sweet girl!

She showers regularly,

she knows her way around a cake tin,

and I haven't heard a
peep from her all week.

Lei is on TV!

♪♪

Damn it, Eddie!

This is why we keep the fire lane clear!

_

_

_

_

See? They turn everyone into a villain.

_

_

Nobody asked you to
make delicious cakes!

_

♪♪

You left before Lei told
Taiwan I'm vain about my hair!

What a liar, right?

I know.

Taiwan sent us a dud.

Maybe I can trade her in.

They did mention a set of twins.

She's not a dud, Jessica.

And her German chocolate is wunderbar.

The problem is, you
upended this whole family

all because you refuse to apologize.

You're right.

Her German chocolate is excellent.

But her buttercream is a
little bit "grocery store."

Jessica!

Eddie stole a bus to eat a cheeseburger.

You know he wasn't really
standing up for something.

Fine! I knew he was lying.

Maybe I was just looking
for an excuse to save him.

Save him from what?

When I first moved to this country,

I didn't know the
language or the culture.

I would shrink my shoulders,

put my head down, and
try to be invisible.

The immigrant shrivel.

A model minority.

I didn't want to cause any trouble,

so I apologized all the time,

even when I wasn't wrong, like you do.

Until one day, back when I was teaching,

I gave this kid an F.

He got upset,

and he told his parents
that I shouted at him,

which I didn't do,

but instead of standing up for myself,

I agreed to apologize.

I'm very sorry for what
happened with Steven.

Please accept my apology.

Thank you.

[Sighs]

You're still gonna fire her, right?

We'd hate to have to tell the
school board about this.

Uh...

Yes.

I suppose that is the
only appropriate move.

What?

You understand, Jessica.

It's just easier this way.

I did everything they wanted me to,

but I still lost my job.

I felt so powerless and weak.

I don't want the boys to ever feel that.

Eddie being alone in a new country,

like we were, brought all that back.

And in two years, he's gonna
be out on his own for good.

Jessica...

we have great kids.

And they have the strongest
mother in the world.

I am strong.

But even great kids make mistakes.

Eddie owning that won't make him weak.

Saying sorry is one of the
hardest things you ever do.

[Sighs]

If the boys learn to do that,
it'll only make them stronger.

[Babbling]

EVAN: Thanks for having me over.

There's something I
need to say to Maria.

- [Clicks tongue] That's so sweet.
- [Chuckles]

Maria, I forgive you.

Huh?

I thought you hated me because you had

all the compassion of a bag of sand.

But then I realized it's not about me.

You were just upset a new
baby's gonna take your place,

but nobody could ever do that.

There's that smile!

- But she's not smiling...
- No, let him have this.

He's working through something.

[Fussing]

[Chuckles]

After Eddie apologizes,

your other sons can
participate in the program,

and Lei will go to another home.

Close to a Planet Hollywood?

Just to be clear...

If you had actually been
standing up for yourself,

I would never let you do this.

You knew I was lying?

I always know when you're lying.

Plus, you are not charismatic enough

to get a bus full of
children to chant "USA."

I know.

Sorry, Ma.

[Sighs]

I must admit, I do love the word

when it's coming in my direction.

So maybe you'll start
saying it yourself?

[Chuckles] Oh, Louis,
I love your optimism.

Okay. Here come the words.

[Clears throat] Mm.

I'm sorry I took the
tour bus and crashed it

and shut down half of Taipei.

It was immature, and I'm really sorry.

Thank you for this opportunity

and for lifting the ban on our boys.

Uh, well, it would go a long way

if you two also expressed
some remorse...

For raising such a reckless son?

Uh, Jessica, remember...

Sometimes you just have to apologize.

Now is not one of those times.

- Okay. Here's what's gonna happen.
- [Neck cracks]

I'm going to punch your throat,

then kick your throat,
then chop your throat.

And that's just your throat.

♪♪

ALL: Bye, Lei!

I borrowed bucks from her.

She'll never see it.

I'm impressed you got
us out of that meeting

without apologizing.

Hmm. I'm just glad I didn't
have to fight that guy.

He seemed like the type who
secretly has a rocked-up core.

- Wiry. Like Linda Hamilton.
- Mm.

God bless whoever winds
up with that monster.

♪♪

Okay.

♪♪

Hey, can we hit that drive-thru?

No! No! No! No!

JESSICA: Oh, that reminds me, Eddie.

You are un-un-grounded,
Cheeseburger Boy.

What? Mom, you can't ground me.

I'm gonna be a junior in high school.

That means I own you for another two,

possibly three years.

And I'm gonna make sure those years

feel as long as possible.

Hey, you can still listen to
music, Eddie. You love music!

[Sugar Ray's "Every Morning" plays]

Huh?

♪ Every morning, there's
a halo hangin' ♪

♪ From the corner of my
girlfriend's four-post bed ♪

I love you guys, but I'm out.

♪ I know it's not mine, but I'll... ♪

[The Notorious B.I.G.'s
"Big Poppa" plays]

♪ Uh, work it out ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪♪

♪ Junior M.A.F.I.A. ♪

♪♪

♪ Oh, oh, ohhhhh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Shut the door, baby,
don't say a word ♪