04x03 - Kids

[bunniefuu]

[SODA CANS OPEN]

[SIGHS] Oh, no.
Is that what I think it is?

Eddie's making his
"Soda su1c1de" again...

♪ Yeah ♪

a sugar-coma-inducing blend

of Dr. Pepper, Squirt,
Fanta, Mountain Dew,

and a cherry Jolly Rancher.

And like always,
he's gonna stumble into the living room

like a drunk uncle at a wedding...

Plop down on the couch too hard,

spilling all over the place.

Not this time.

You...

didn't... spill on the couch?

Nope.
As I was about to sit, I was like...

"What if I put my cup
down on the table first?"

Seems so obvious, but,
hey, live and learn.

He's even using a coaster.

[SLURPS]

Ahh. Still got the skills.

I haven't made one of these

since Alison and I started dating.

[SCOFFS] She hated them.

Are you telling me you think
you can make a soda taste better

than the professionals?

Than the flavor engineers
at Mountain Dew?

Than Dr. Melvin Pepper?

He's a damn doctor!

Now that she broke up with me,

I'm focused on forgetting about her

and just being the best me I can.

Very mature, son. I'm proud of you.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm proud of us.

Do you see what's happening here?

The last of our three
children has grown up.

We're finally out of "kid jail."

We can have nice things again.

[CHUCKLES] Look at her, Louis.

As beautiful as the day we first
put her in storage in .

I'll never forget that day.

Your water broke, and I said,
"Let's go to the hospital,"

and you said, "After we make one stop."

My labor pains were so intense.

But after three hours of pushing,

we finally figured out a way

to wedge this couch
into the storage unit.

Welcome home, sweetheart.

S E
Kids

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

- No way.
- Yes way.

The last time we drank

during the day

was years ago

at the racetrack.

You called the cashier a r*cist

because a horse was named

"Chinese Chicken Salad."

I remember that now!

Wow. We had fun, Louis.

Don't ever let anyone
tell you otherwise.

Well, with Eddie maturing,

we can go back to having fun.

Orlando is the th best city

in America for a reason.

Let's start enjoying it.

Okay. What should we do first?

Why don't we see

what Honey and Marvin are up to tonight?

Let's dial up those
fools and see what's up.

Hey, nice use of slang.

Did it sound dumb?

I've only had half a beer,
but the voice in my head

that criticizes me
constantly has gone quiet.

And you realize we don't need

to have quick dinners anymore, right?

We don't need to be afraid of
leaving Eddie unsupervised.

We can finally do more than just dinner.

We can do "dinner and...".

Dinner and dancing,

dinner and a movie...

dinner and drinks at a jazz club!

Better idea...

We can invite Honey and
Marvin to dinner and...

karaoke.

Get them on the phone immediately.

Ahh! I can't wait to sing some Mariah.

She's the only woman

who can match my range.

Hmm.

How did that

out-of-control sprinkler

only hit me and not you?

I don't know, bro,

but it's your bad luck year,

so keep your nasty juju away from me.

I'm gonna go throw my
clothes in the dryer.

_

Oh, come on!

What the hell?

Alison, what are you doing here?

Why wouldn't she be here? We're friends.

Since when are you friends?

Eddie, you know

how you're always late for everything?

No.

[SIGHS]

Well, over the years,
when Alison came by our house

and had to wait for you to arrive,

she and I struck up a great friendship.

A great friendship?

What do you guys

even talk about?

We talk about Pogs,

Tamagotchis...

Volleyball,

Leno vs. Letterman.

And, you know, life in general.

What does anyone talk
about with their friends?

Sorry, Eddie,
but Evan and I agreed a long time ago

that if our relationship ever ended,

me and him would stay friends.

Two crossed arrows

is the universal symbol for friendship.

Friends forever.

Friends forever.

Your necklaces look cheap.

- He's not worth it.
- You're right.

I'm gonna go see if our
dino nuggets are ready.

When I return, I hope you're not here.

Why you doing me like this, girl?

I'm sorry.

I was laying it on thick

for Evan's sake.

He's sensitive...

Classic Leno fan...

But, really,
I-I'm uncomfortable being here.

I don't want to make
things harder between us

- than they already are.
- Then why are you?

Because I can't just abandon
my friendship with Evan.

You and I splitting up...

It's like he's a child of divorce.

What do you know about divorce?

- My parents are divorced.
- They are?

I talked to you about it all the time!

Well, you say a lot of things!

Let's just drop it.

Obviously,
we need some space from each other.

Well, that means you and
Evan can't be friends.

Yeah, I-I know.

Let's have a talk with him tomorrow.

So, if your parents are divorced...

do you get, like,
twice as many presents at Christmas?

[SMACKS LIPS] We're Jewish.

Huh.

I'm so happy Honey and Marvin

could come to dinner tonight.

I already pre-paid for
our private karaoke room,

- so we are all set.
- Thank you for splurging

on the four-microphone package.

It's important we do
"Lady Marmalade" properly.

[LAUGHS] I can't wait!

- Hey!
- Oh, hi!

- Oh, it's so good to see you.
- Hello, hello.

Oh, I'm sorry we're late.

Marvin was stuck at work
finishing a dental cleaning...

- Uh-huh...
- for a celebrity.

[GASPS] Was it Denzel?

[CHUCKLES] No. But I will tell you...

she was a joy to work with.

It was Joy Behar!

- Whoa!
- Oh, amazing!

Who is that? [MUTTERS]

SERVER: Hi. Welcome to Chez Dennis.

Can I get you all a drink to start?

I'll have a glass of red wine.

Pinot gris, please.

[CHUCKLES] What do you say, Marv,

a couple Negronis to
warm up our engines?

[BOTH LAUGH]

I-I'll just have some water.

[LAUGHS] Hilarious joke, Marvin.

Come on. I've already taken a
dangerous amount of Pepcid AC

to combat the Asian Flush.

Let's go big tonight!

Uh... actually, I can't drink because

[INHALES DEEPLY] well...

I'm having some surgery tomorrow.

Oh, my God. What for?

I'm having my vasectomy reversed!

We want to have kids!

[BOTH LAUGH]

Okay, one last time, I promise.

Are you sure you want to have kids?

Because nobody wants to have kids.

They're just a thing that happens to you

and then you carry that
burden with you until you die.

My only burden will
be keeping my fingers

from pinching baby legs.

Where's your leg? Give me your leg.

You nervous about the surgery?

A reverse vasectomy sounds intense.

No, no, no.

Uh, it's a simple outpatient procedure.

They... They just go down south,

do a little snip-snip,
loosen up my tubes,

and then they take a
capillary out of my neck,

they take that capillary,
fuse it to my tubes,

probably with some kind of a heat g*n,

throw some stitches on it,

and... boom...
Marvin's sh**ting b*ll*ts.

[CHUCKLES] Uh-huh.
[VOICE CRACKS] Sounds simple.

Louis and I just got
sprung from kid jail,

because Eddie finally matured,

and it is the best thing
that has ever happened to us.

Why make your life harder...
with a baby?

I don't know. I think it'll be fun.

I can get it a hat.

Oh, my God. And the jeans.

For its fat legs.

- Uh, Honey?
- Hmm?

I think it's time for us to hit the ol'
road.

Already?
But we were gonna do dinner and karaoke.

I know, but Marvin needs to
rest up for his procedure,

and I have a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow,

just to make sure things
are good on my end. [LAUGHS]

I mean, they are, for sure.

I don't want to get into details,

but just know that I've never
had a problem getting pregnant.

- All right.
- Bye-bye.

Bye, guys.

You know what? We don't need them.

We can still go out and have fun.

I did pre-pay.

["OPPOSITES ATTRACT" PLAYS]

♪ I take two steps forward ♪

♪ I take two steps back ♪

♪ We come together,
'cause opposites attract ♪

[BOTH SIGH]

That was a disgrace to Paula Abdul

and all that she stands for.

[SIGHS]

This just isn't as fun
without Honey and Marvin.

I can't believe the moment
we get out of kid jail,

our best friends decide to go in.

I was honest with Honey
about how hard it is,

but she wouldn't even hear it.

She's lost in baby fever.

She is always quick to
dive into whatever's new.

Remember when she made Marvin
grow sideburns like Luke Perry?

Besides, at Marvin's age,

their baby's gonna come out years old.

Meanwhile, I'm not even sure he's
into the idea of having a baby.

Is there baby corn in this salad?

Because if there is, I don't want it.

He asked for no baby corn.

Oh, he's definitely not ready for this!

You can send back baby corn.
You can't send back baby.

I understand Honey wanting to rush in,

but Marvin's done it before.

He should know better.

You know,
if he's even a little bit unsure,

we should talk to him.

Absolutely.

But first, let's sing some Michael?

- Jackson?
- McDonald.

Stipe?

Ooh.

We sit before the truest
test of the puzzle master...

The , -piece puzzle
of a bowl of plums.

Every piece is just purple.

Yes.

Where's Eddie?
He should've been here minutes ago.

Eddie's late?! I'm stunned!

I know, right?

But we actually have something
serious to talk to you about,

but I guess since he's late,
I'll just tell you.

What is it?

Your brother and I...

well, we both care about you very much,
and...

We're getting back together!

[DOOR OPENS] Shut the front
door and give me a hug!

[DOOR CLOSES]

Sorry I'm late.

I saw a red-tailed fox on the way home,

so I chased it.

I heard the great news!

I've been hiding some Nilla Wafers
for when I finish the puzzle,

but what the hay, let's celebrate!

What great news?

I kinda sorta told him
we're getting back together.

- What?
- You were late, and I panicked!

[SIGHS] Can you tell
him we can't be friends?

No way, ex-boo.

You're the one who broke up with me.

This was your choice.
You've got to be the bad guy.

[SIGHS] Fine.

I brought the whole box

in case we want to
turn this into a party.

Evan, there's something
else I have to tell you.

Eddie and I were talking,
and we think it's best if...

We take you on a pony ride!

[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

- Grandma!
- Emery!

Aah!

My bad luck strikes again.

I can't be around
anyone pouring liquids.

_

_

_

Really?

_

_

I thought that was Jesus.

_

_

Whoa-ho-ho! What brings you two over?

I was just on my way to the hospital.

In a full suit?

Well, I got to show those docs

that they're operating
on classy merchandise.

Well, we just came by

to see if you needed a
ride to the procedure.

Since Honey has her appointment,

we figured we could lend a hand.

There's no need. I'm gonna drive myself.

We could stop for ice cream on the way.

Shotgun!

The pony's name is Charlie!

Very good!

Sorry I'm late.

How are you late? We came here together.

I saw some baby ducks

and had to scope out if
there was a pond here.

There wasn't.

I think those ducks are in trouble.

Isn't his mane beautiful?

- Hey, buddy!
- Sure is!

By the way, how'd you find this place?

Um... I know about it because
we came here on our second date.

Whaaat?

Wait.

You keep a picture of us in your purse?

I thought you stopped liking me.

We're broken up,

but I'm not trying to forget you.

It's not like our time
together meant nothing to me.

I know it's my fault we're here.

I'll tell Evan the truth as
soon as we get back home.

His diet is mostly carrots!

- You don't say!
- Great job!

So, this is how you want
to spend our time together?

Rearranging shelves?

_

_

[SHATTERS] [GASPS]

_

_

[SIGHS] I'm so sorry.

My stupid bad luck.

_

_

[MUG SHATTERS]

What,
the ice cream place is in the park?

Yes. It's a truck. It's very trendy.

[CHUCKLING] Oh.

[SNORING]

Wow. There are a lot of
homeless people around here.

Oh, those aren't homeless people.

They're new parents.

Is it time to pump again?

GIRL: Mommy!

Mommy!! [GASPS]

[CRIES]

[LAUGHS] Why?

Well, what happened to all of them?

Well, they're exhausted
from taking care of kids.

Feeding them, changing their diapers.

You remember what that's like, right?

Right. Right.

You don't know what I'm talking about,

- do you?
- I don't!

No, I never experienced
any of this with Nicole.

Her mother did all the heavy lifting.

I just went to work, I came home,

watched Carson's monologue,
then went to sleep.

Well, that's not gonna fly with Honey.

Oh, that's true. Yeah.

Honey's part of that new,
uh, Generation X

I read about in Newsweek.

They're progressive.

Well, taking care of a
baby today is hard work.

We just want you to be aware
of what you're getting into.

[WEAKLY] Yeah.

[QUIETLY] Baby corn.

JESSICA: Well, here we are.

- Mm-hmm.
- You sure you're up for this?

Yep.

Already shaved my neck. [CHUCKLES]

[VAN DOOR OPENS]

[SIGHS]

Well, I guess we were wrong.
He really does want this.

I guess he does.

[GASPS]

I thought he was going in the hospital,
and then he just turned!

I did not see that coming!

Thank you. Bye.

Amazing news!

Not only did I book us the karaoke room

that has the best acoustics,

I also got us the four-mic package.

They didn't think it was available,

but then they checked, and it was.

I feel really good about this.

If Marvin wasn't sure about having kids,

why rush into it?

There's plenty of time. He's barely .

They're lucky to have
us looking out for them.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

So I get home from my gyno checkup,

which was a huge success.

She compared my uterus to the
fertile shores of Oahu, and...

I'm keeping it.

I'm keeping my vasectomy.

He said he changed his mind,
and he doesn't want a baby.

Right now he doesn't,

but maybe in the future, he will.

In the meantime,

let's all just have fun.

Fun sounds fun. [CHUCKLES]

I'll have to cross-reference my diary,

but I think this is the
best day of my life.

[BOTH SIGH]

So, I know we've been
having a lot of fun today,

but we need to talk
about something serious.

Look, your brother and I...

What I'm trying to say is...

Gosh, this is so hard.

Alison and I aren't back together, Evan.

We're still broken up. [GASPS]

I know she lied and said
we're back together,

but it's not her fault.

It's mine.

This all happened because

I didn't want you two to be friends.

I was trying to forget
about her after our breakup

and when I saw her in the house,
I freaked.

But I realized that...

I don't want to forget about her.

We had some great times.

So, I want you and her to be friends.

And hopefully,
she and I can be friends, too.

Yeah.

I think we're gonna be friends,
for sure.

That's sweet.

Here's what I think of your lies.

Look what you did.

When was the last time he blinked?

♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪

♪ Don't go breaking my ♪

♪ I won't go breaking your heart ♪

[CHUCKLES]

This next song is
dedicated to my uterus.

♪ All that she wants is one baby ♪

♪ She's gone tomorrow, boy ♪

♪ All that she wants is ♪

- ♪ One baby-a-yay-yay ♪
- My body, my choice!

♪ All that she wants is one baby ♪

♪ She's gone tomor... ♪
Wh... Sh...

♪ What you want ♪

♪ Baby, I got it ♪

♪ What you need ♪

♪ You know I got it ♪

- What the hell is happening to you?
- ♪ All that I am askin' for ♪

♪ Is just a little respect
when you get home ♪

Are they karaoke fighting?

I don't know, but I wish you would sing

with this much passion.

♪ Just a... ♪ [MUSIC STOPS]

You don't get respect
by changing your mind

last minute about having a baby!

It's .

You can't tell a man
what to do with his body!

I had doubts.

And... A-And Louis and Jessica

- helped me confirm my doubts.
- They what?

Oh, we just wanted to remind Marvin

what having a baby was really like.

It's a big decision...
One that all four of us

need to be % on board for.

I can't believe this.

[SIGHS] ["FUNKYTOWN" PLAYS]

Oh, sorry.

I had this queued up
like minutes ago.

♪ Gotta make a move to a
town that's right for me ♪

Mahjong! This is gonna be so much fun.

Throw the tiles around...

[GASPS, LAUGHS]

_

_

_

I am plotzing. These tiles are caliente!

[LAUGHS]

We're gonna take her down together.

We're an unstoppable team.

[LAUGHS]

_

Did you have me stand back there

so you could use my bad
luck to make Cheryl lose?

_

_

_

I am?

_

_

_

_

We can make a real dent. Who's next?

Pass the Normandy butter?

Go to hell.

Sorry to interrupt your dinner.

How did you get in here?

We're not here to discuss
your lack of home security.

We're here to apologize.

[SCOFFS]

I'm not interested in your apology.

I know it was selfish,
but we didn't want to see

our best friends go into kid jail

just as we were getting out of it.

If you want to have a baby,
we support you.

You'll be great parents.

Sorry! Shop's closed.

I have Nicole... One and done.

I know, and Nicole's amazing.

But just think of how incredible

it would be to have a baby with Honey.

Pumpkin... I know you're mad at me,

but I'm just nervous
about my life changing.

I know you'd be a great mom,

but I'm just not sure if I'm
ready to be a father again.

I'm nervous, too.

I never thought I wanted kids,
like, ever.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

But then I met you, and that changed.
Hmm.

Look, you may not be sure you're ready,

but together, we're ready.

I think we are, too.

So,
let's untie these tubes and make a baby!

Ahh!

[BOTH LAUGH]

I say this with love, but please,

never interfere in our lives again.

I say this with love... No promises.

So, I'm just gonna get right into it.

Can I go to the Michigan Womyn's
Music Festival next weekend?

It's a woman's-only event
celebrating the crossroads

between music and femininity.

Tori Amos is playing

the Nair Hair Removal
stage Saturday night.

Dad, you like her,
you saw her on TV and said,

"Who's the mermaid on the keys?"

And I said, "That's Tori Amos."

I should have said,
"She's playing at the Womyn's Festival"

and asked you about it then,
but I didn't.

So here we are.

Anyway, it's all on the flier,

which I'm gonna leave
here for you to read.

It's, uh...

[DOOR CLOSES]

Two days.

We paid for years of storage,

and the couch lasted two days.

Do you want me to find out
which one of them did it?

No, we'll just ground all of them.

I guess we still can't have

nice things.

I'll flip the cushion.

Don't.

That's where my water broke, remember?

Eddie somehow managed to ruin the couch

even before he was on this earth.