04x05 - Four Funerals and a Wedding

[bunniefuu]

[SLOW ASIAN MUSIC PLAYS]

Who is this, again?

It's your mom's
great-aunt's second cousin,

so very closely related.

Are those her sisters?

Yes. They were triplets.

Trina was the oldest,
then Gina, then Yu-Mei.

If I were a triplet,
I'd have one do my homework,

one do my chores,
and one get into shenanigans.

They're not your clones.

Also, you're one of them.

Oh, now you're into math.

Oh, no. I got a stain on
the tie I borrowed from Dad.

My year of bad luck just won't end.


Really? That seems disrespectful.


Okay. I guess it can't hurt.

[WKS, SPITS]

I was supposed to spit
into the handkerchief

and put that in the casket, wasn't I?


Mom, where's Connie?


How nice.


[SIGHS]


We should go grab our seats...

Near the back, in case your aunt sings.

- Hello.
- Hello.

You look well.

You too. Have you eaten?

Not yet, but I will.

Are you warm enough?

Yes. I brought a light sweater.

Good.

I'm going to go find a
chair with some padding.

The wood on these looks subpar.

Nice to see you.

Okay. Nice to see you.

Who was that man?

Oh, that was my father.

S E
Four Funerals and a Wedding

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Hold up. That was your dad?!

What? [SCOFFS]

Oh, you thought he would look older?

What can I say? We have good genes.

We didn't know you had a dad.
You never talk about him.

I thought he was dead.

Of course he's not dead.

No one in my family has
d*ed before the age of ...

Except for Great-Uncle Xi,
and he loved his menthols.

He used to swallow the butts.

So, how come we've never
met our grandfather?

You've met him.

He waved at you through
the hospital window

after you were born.

He's a diplomat,
and he works all over the world,

so we didn't see him that much.

So, when did he get
divorced from Grandma Chu?

Divorced?! Don't be ridiculous!

They're still married.

And they still see each
other every few years,

and he always sends her
coasters from the Hard Rock

in every city he visits.

I've seen those.

That means your dad's
been to Copenhagen.

He travels a lot.

That's how it always was in my family.

My mom was around, My dad was away.

I didn't see my dad much, either...

Because he was always working.

He worked literally up
until the day he d*ed...

Like George Burns.

Godfather of comedy.

We miss you, George... Every day.

♪ Yeah ♪

So many questions.
What's so hard to understand?

We grew up in a different time.

We had a different
relationship with our parents.

Our boys are luckier than we were.

I feel lucky enough.

Well, you have to admit,
it would've been nice

if your dad had made it to our wedding.

We had our reception
in a car dealership.

Honestly, Louis,
I haven't given it a second thought.

[WOMAN LAUGHING LOUDLY]

Of course, Cousin Karen is
wearing a strapless dress.

It's, like, "We get it, Karen.

You have the best
shoulders in the family."

[SIGHS] sh**t. I can't find Dad's tie.

First I stain it, then I lose it?

Relax. There's, like,
never a time in my life

when something isn't lost.

Well, I'm not you.

Sorry. I'm jet-lagged.

It was the layover in Atlanta.

Big hub.

I'm sorry.
I can't help you look for the tie.

I'm revising my will and trust.

I was talking to Aunt
Lynn at the funeral

and realized I haven't updated it

since we first moved to Orlando.

Few things.

Who's Aunt Lynn?

Also,
since when do you have a will and trust?

I don't know.
How old are you in preschool?

Good thing I looked at it.

I forgot I named Honey as my executor.

I need to change that.

She's shown herself to be too
emotional in the face of tragedy.

REPORTER: Diana's public life

began and ended the
same way... [SOBBING]

With the paparazzi in pursuit.

Whoa.

Yeah, she maxed out all our credit cards

buying Princess Di commemorative plates.

I ate a piece of pizza off one of them.

She didn't speak to me for two days.

Why?!

I need the executor of my will

to be composed and responsible
when the time comes.

I don't care about anything after I die.
I'm dead.

Of course you don't...
Because you're so selfish.

I'm sorry.

I'm still worked up about
the layover in Atlanta.

How can you have three Cinnabons
and all of them are closed?

You know I don't like change,
Madame Xing.

I'm happy with what I know.

It's what I was used to growing up.

But then, when I was in Texas,

I started thinking...
Maybe there's another way.

But is it too late to try?

Did I miss my chance?

[SIGHS] No.

I can't talk to Louis about it.

He'd just turn it into a big deal.

Mm.

It's all in the wrist. Eh?

All right, we have our drinks.

So, tell me all about

this Jessica conversation you overheard.

So, she was, uh, having her monthly call

with her psychic, Madame Xing.

- Uh-huh.
- And she was talking

about her relationship with her father,

wondering if she missed her
chance to connect with him.

Now, I knew she felt this way deep down.
I mean, I get it.

I had a distant relationship
with my dad, too.

I don't think my dad
even knew my middle name.

Zeus.

Um...

But Jessica's so stubborn,

she would never admit
her true feelings to me,

which is why it's so great that
the second triplet just d*ed.

Triplets? I love triplets. Big fan.

I mean, it's not great that she d*ed,
but she was .

There are sadder things.

Marvin! Ha!

It's finally here!

This is the one where Diana
is holding Bubbles the chimp

with Michael Jackson.

I need you to move your medals.

Anyway, you were saying?

So, Jessica and I are going to
another funeral, in Houston,

and her dad is going to be there again.

Now, if she won't talk to me about it,

at least I can get her to talk to him.

Houston, we have a solution!

I'm gonna bring my wife
and her dad together.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Mmm! This wine is great!

White wine after :
p.m. is for the ladies.

We men have to get it in during the day.
[CHUCKLES]

[SLOW ASIAN MUSIC PLAYS]

You can't boss me around anymore, Gina.

I can finally wear miniskirts.

Very sad. Very sad.

Ooh! There's your dad.

Mr. Chu, hello.

You two want to go look at
the casket together or...?

I already got in there.

She looks handsome and serene.

Uh... Jessica,

why don't you sit next to your dad?

And, Mrs. Chu,
why don't we go get some tea?

_

The tea here is great.

_

_

Louis, she doesn't want tea.

We could just sit somewhere else.

Uh, Jessica,
I was just talking to your dad

about all the miles we're racking up

flying back and forth to these funerals.

Probably adds up to a free ticket.

Christmas is just around the corner.

I want to use my miles
to go to Barcelona.

Oh!

Do you mean "Barthelona"?

[SQUEALING]

Eddie,
I have a serious question for you.

Just do it in the shower.

- What?
- Hm?

Okay.

I just wanted to ask you

if you would be the executor of my will.

Really? You want me to do it?

Yeah. You're my oldest brother.

_

_

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, okay.

I'll do you proud, little bro.

Excellent.

I just need to go get
this notarized by Deidre.

She's not the best
notary I've worked with,

but she did my patent,

so I wanted to throw her more business.

Uh, I was thinking... You two never did

a father/daughter dance at our wedding.

I could ask the organist
if she knows any Journey.

- No, thank you.
- No, thank you.

[SIGHS]

Louis.

What's going on?
Why are you being so weird?

I heard you talking to Madame Xing.

You said you wish you had

a closer relationship with your dad,

but you feel like you
missed your chance.

Missed my chance?

I was talking about chicken!

Everyone in Houston was trying to push

the barbecue chicken on me,
and I said no,

but then I worried that I
missed out on something amazing.

Oh, come on. You said you
couldn't talk to me about it

because you thought I'd
turn it into a big deal.

You would.

Every time I eat something new,
you make a big deal out of it.

Remember the first
time I tried pecan pie?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Amazing, right?

First it's sweet, then comes the salt.

Talk to me. Talk to me. What are
you thinking? What are you feeling?

Back... off.

So, you weren't talking
about your dad on the phone?

No. I was talking Texas barbecue
chicken with my psychic.

Why is that so hard to understand?

Okay, I guess... If you insist you were

talking about barbecue chicken.

Louis,
my relationship with my father is fine.

Stay out of it.

[SCOFFS] Chicken?

More like bull.

[CHUCKLES]

[SNIFFS]

_

A casserole from Amanda...
One of my HOA associates.

According to this note,

she thinks I have a terminal illness.

_

When I asked Deidre to notarize my will,

she must've told Carol-Joan...

who told Lisa...

who told that blabbermouth Amanda,

and I can only imagine who she told.

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

I think they even called
me once in the confusion.

[WOMEN GASP]

[ALL SOBBING]

And now they all think I'm dying.

_

_

Eddie told me you picked
him as your will person.

- Executor.
- Whatever.

Why wouldn't you choose me?

As soon as your bad-luck year ends,

I'll revise my will again
and make you executor.

Oh. So Eddie's just a temp?

Of course. You're the reliable one.

But let's face it...

Right now,
you can't even keep track of a tie.

Actually, I meant to tell you...
I found Dad's tie.

Maybe my luck is turning around.

Maybe.

So, she's in total denial.

Mm. She doesn't think her relationship
with her dad is a problem.

Ha! They never do.

And now we have to go back
to Houston for a wedding.

Gina had always forbade
Yu-Mei from marrying

and from picking an American name,

- for reasons no one knows.
- Hm.

And now that Gina's passed,

Yu-Mei has given herself the name
"Madison"

and is finally marrying
the love of her life...

Roger, a retired greengrocer.

We're going to see Jessica's dad,

but I can't force them to connect.

They'll probably just talk
about food or the weather.

Even my dad and I had
more things to talk about,

like competitive crabbing.

Yeah, my dad loved to talk about flags.

I just don't want Jessica to
have any regrets down the road.

Her dad's not getting any younger.

I'm missing two!

Oh. Uh, well, Honey, we...
we were just...

I-I'm missing Diana Coronation
and Diana at Centre Court.

I...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Lift up your pizza.

Party's over, Lou.

Cheeseburger tater tot casserole?

Respect, Lisa.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't do that.

Sorry. Can't help it.

Just practicing my big-bro ruffle,
like big brothers do.

You're technically older,

but I'm the one everybody counts on.

Not everyone.

Evan chose me to be his will person.

He trusts me with his stuff, not you.

[SIGHS] I said don't do that.

You're getting tot grease in my bangs.

You sound mad, middle brother.

Evan didn't pick you.

He's just waiting out
my year of bad luck,

and then he's gonna make
me his will person...

Because I'm better.

You're just a temporary fix.

[SIGHS]

I deserve these empty calories.

Hope they go straight to my thighs.

Jessica, we're going to be late!

JESSICA: I don't rush you when
you're blow-drying your hair!

Don't rush me when I'm
lint-rolling my travel cardigan!

What's with all the casseroles?

The neighborhood ladies think I'm dying.

It's a long story.

Well, I don't have time to hear it.

I should feel guilty,

but I'm enjoying all
the love I'm getting.

There's a two-page note
here from Carol-Joan.

Carol-Joan?

I thought you two hadn't
spoken since the hedge feud.

You know how people change
when they think you're dying.

It's time to focus on what matters.

Right.

Death brings people together.

Your dad is dying.

My dad is dying?

- How do you know?
- He told me.

He asked me not to tell you.
He's very private.

But the important thing is,

now's your chance to
really connect with him...

Make the best of the time you have left.

I should go talk to him.

Yes, but, uh...
maybe don't bring up the "dying" thing.

He's a proud man.

[SCOFFS]

He's dancing now.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

I'll wait.

Good. Good for him.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Grandma, can I talk to you for a sec?

_

_

[SIGHS]

Okay.

_

Do you really think spitting
straight into the casket

and not into your handkerchief

could have made my bad luck worse?

_

_

I got mad about something that
normally wouldn't bother me,

and Eddie and I got into a fight.

I feel like I'm changing
into a different person.

Hm.

Eddie was just being so annoying...

Pretending to care about Evan,
when he really doesn't.

_

_

_

Yeah, Eddie owes everyone money.

_

_

Wait... Dad's tie?

So I didn't find it.

Eddie replaced it for me?

_

_

_

_

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[APPLAUSE]

[SIGHS]

Thirsty.

Hi, Dad. How you feeling?

Are you tired?

A little.

Would you like to sit?

Not yet.

A-Are you going to sit?

Eventually.

[HUSHED] Come on! You think he's dying!

Weather turned hot.

Oh, it has.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Can you breathe okay?

I'm fine.

I-It's not that hot.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Well, see you later.

Okay, see you later.

Really?!

That's it?!

You think your dad's dying,
and that's all you have to say?

Don't you want to thank
him for all he's done?

Don't you want to know
what he thinks about you?

Invite him to Christmas?

Make sure he sees you play guitar?

I don't play guitar. You do.

What if he really was dying?

Wouldn't you want him to know

that you met your dream girl in college

or that crabbing
shouldn't be a competition

or that you love improv?

Or that you're sorry
the last time he saw you

was when you ran out of a hot tub naked?

No goodbye... just my bare
ass running out of the water!

I missed my chance to get to know him,

and I regret it every day!

[PACHELBEL'S "CANON IN 'D' MAJOR" PLAYS]

Oh, not today!

I've been planning this for years!

Go, Joanne! Go!

What are you doing?

I'm just thinking about
that robot housekeeper

from "The Jetsons".

Do you think Rosie wanted to be there?

Grandma told me about the tie.
Thank you.

Oh, it's no big deal.

You were just so
stressed about losing it,

and I was at the mall anyway,

trying to help Trent
find flattering overalls.

It took a while.

I'm sorry I was a jerk earlier.

I was a jerk, too.

When Evan asked me to
be his will person,

I didn't know I was just a placeholder.

It was just cool

thinking I could be the
big brother for once.

You're a great big brother.

You replaced that tie
without even telling me.

When you're having a bad year,

sometimes,
you just need good stuff to happen.

Trust me... I know.

This bad-luck year sucks.

Want to know a secret?

This "year of the bad luck" thing?

It's just puberty.

And it gets worse and lasts
way longer than a year.

Oh, no.

At least we're in it together.

Emery, quick question for my will.

Who do you want to get my half

of the Huang Boys' Detective Agency?

[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

Congratulations! Thank you so much.

Did you really think I was dying?

For a minute.

No one in our family has d*ed before .

Except Great-Uncle Xi,

and that was his own fault...
For smoking and doing parkour.

He never knew his limits.

[SCOFFS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Would you like to come to our
house for Christmas this year?

Oh.

Uh...

if you'd like.

There's a nice Hard Rock in Orlando.

I do like Hard Rocks.

We could take a picture in
front of the big guitar!

- I just got a new camera!
- [CHUCKLING] Oh!

[SIGHS]

Are you as uncomfortable as I am?

Never been more uncomfortable
in my whole life.

[CHUCKLES]

Nobody wants this.

We really don't.

[SIGHS]

Well, nice to see you.

I'll continue to keep tabs
on you through your mother.

Great. I'll do the same.

Jessica.

When the time does come, just know...

All my affairs are in order.

It won't be a hassle for you.

Thank you.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

It's before : . It's fine.

I can't believe you did that, Louis.

You know how many times I wanted
to tell you your mother's dying?

I know. I feel terrible.

It's possible I'm working
through stuff with my own dad.

Yes.

I don't get it.

How can you be okay not
being close to your dad?

I just learned to
appreciate our relationship

for what it is.

I guess I never got there.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

I still have a lot of regrets.

Well, you don't have to feel alone.

You always have someone you can talk to.

[CHUCKLES]

I don't know, Madame Xing.

I just feel like if
he'd gotten the chance

to see me do improv,
it would have brought us closer.

Sure, yeah,
I'm familiar with Dana Carvey.

He's a genius. [CHUCKLES]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GASPS]

Evan! You're still upright!

You guys love your tuna.

I'm not dying, Lisa.

Please tell everyone...
No more casseroles.

Thank youuuuuuu!

It's a miracle!

REPORTER: In Monte Carlo this week,

Princess Grace of Monaco...

This quarter of a century and more...

d*ed tragically...

_

Hey, hey. English only.

It's what Princess
Grace would have wanted.

I love the name "Grace".

It would be a good English name for me.

You're never getting an English name.

Or wearing miniskirts.

Ooh! There's Nancy Reagan.

And Princess Diana.

One day, when you're gone,
I'm gonna change my name

and have a beautiful wedding.

And it's gonna be inspired
by Princess Grace's funeral

because it is beautiful and tragic,
like my life.

Ooh! Roger Moore!