04x09 - Slide Effect

[bunniefuu]

Hey! It says, "Don't walk."

Dude, there are zero cars coming.

Yeah,
but your safety is my responsibility.

I'm the newest member
of the Safety Patrol.

I'd say, "Congrats,"
but I don't really mean it.

I'll take it anyway.

Just so you know,
next time you break a rule,

I'll be forced to write you up.

How does the vest look from the back?

S E
Slide Effect

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

I can't believe that guy.

What guy? Schwimmer?

No. Trent.

He's on the Safety Patrol.

Why would he do something so lame?

I know.
I told him he should do something cool

and join cheerleading like me.

You're a cheerleader?

Yep... The first male top
of pyramid in years.

What glass ceiling?

We've all joined school clubs.

We told you this.

Yeah, and I told you...

When it's important, repeat yourself.

Okay... I'm playing the
lead in the school musical.

We couldn't get the rights to "Rent,"

so we're doing our own version, "Brent."

I play the evil landlord, Brent.

It's pretty much the same show,

only instead of AIDS,
everyone has the flu.

Walter, are you hearing this nonsense?

The dog knew... She knew she was dying.

Yo, life? She's intense.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Are you reading for fun?

Yeah. I joined the book club.

Every month is a different theme.

This month is healing.

What is happening?

Am I the only person who
cares about our reputation?

You guys are making us look like losers.

We don't look like losers.

Sorry.

♪ Don't worry about it ♪

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

Why would you sing, Dave?

Now the Sackers think we're lame.

I mean,
they're not as cool as the jocks,

but they're cooler than the dip kids.

Life's too short to worry, Eddie.

You never know when
the flu could strike.

That's the message of "Brent."

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SIGHS]

Can a child get that, please?

Where's my favorite author?

I don't know where Mary
Higgins Clark lives.

Dallas? Probably Dallas.

I was talking about you.

[SCOFFS] How's the book going?

Intense.

I have all these publisher notes.

I keep having to get on the phone

with people who have names like
"Vera" and "Terry."

And on top of that,

I have to take an author
photo for the book jacket.

Oh, that's exciting!

I'll give you the name of the woman

who did Marvin's business cards.

She is super expensive.

I'm not spending money on a picture.
I'll just have you take it.

I would love to.

As a former makeup artist
for the hit musical "Cats,"

I'll make sure you look your best.

Don't make me look like a cat.

There's nothing scarier
than a cat person.

Mm, disagree.

You ever see someone make chorizo?

[BELL RINGS]

Hey, bud.

Sorry if I came off
as harsh yesterday...

Still trying to find the right balance

of authority and warmth.

- It's okay.
- That being said,

I'm gonna have to ask
you to change your shoes.

- Why?
- Dress-code violation.

You know this is a closed-toed campus.

I'm not changing.

These slides make me look
like a relaxed athlete.

Really hoped it wouldn't come to this.

I'm gonna need a signature
from your mom or dad

or whatever legal
guardian you live with.

[PAPER RUSTLES] Trent,
you know my mom and dad.

And do us both a favor... Don't forge.

I have access to all parent signatures

in the principal's office,

and I can spot a trace job a mile away.

I appraised my sister's
promise ring with this.

[SIGHS]

On a scale of to ,
how likely am I to recommend?

I'd say a .

How often do I talk to my
friends about baking soda?

Never.

If anyone answered anything other than
"Never,"

I'd be shocked.

[DOOR CREAKS]

Three people said, "All the time"?

Why are you sharing this
information with me?

I thought this survey was confidential.

No, don't tell me their names!

Sorry, Eddie. What's up?

Your boy got busted.

Eddie!

[LAUGHS]

Dress-code violation?

For a second, I thought you
actually did something wrong.

I did do something wrong.

These slides are against the rules.

Anything could have happened
to my toes... anything.

Okay, okay.

I'm just relieved you didn't
commit some bigger offense.

I knew you were a good boy.

Don't call me that.

It's a compliment.

When I look at you and your friends,

I see a group of really good boys.

["COPS" THEME SONG PLAYS]

♪ Good boys, whatcha want,
whatcha want ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do? ♪

♪ When these boys are
friends with you? ♪

♪ Good boys, good boys ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do? ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do when
they're friends with you? ♪

♪ Good boys, good boys ♪ Eddie!

Hey, let me ask you something.

How often do you talk your
friends about baking soda?

Those guys are jerks, Dave.

Don't let them steal your smile.

They're just thugs.

What's going on?
Is someone bullying Dave?

Yeah, the producers of "Rent."

Trent wrote to them about our show...

Said it was his Safety
Patrol responsibility

to put it on their radar.

Now they're trying to stop it...

Something about a blatant
disregard of copyright law.

Trent's out of control,
and he's taking us down with him.

We have to show him and
the rest of these doubters

that we don't play by his rules.

What are we gonna do?

I'll tell you what we're gonna do...

Tomorrow, we all wear slides to school.

This is happening!

Okay, so this will just
be a free flow of ideas.

We'll see where inspiration leads,

we'll let the author photo come to us.

[SIGHS] I'm ready.

♪ She's going the distance ♪

♪ She's going for speed ♪

♪ She's all alone ♪

♪ All alone ♪

♪ All alone in her time of need ♪

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

♪ She's going the distance ♪

♪ She's going for speed ♪

[CHATTER]

[SIGHS] Eddie, Eddie, Eddie...

Whatcha gonna do, Red, write us all up?

- What do you mean?
- Come on, guys, show the man your feet.

- What the hell?
- Sorry, man.

If we get in trouble,
we can't do our school activities.

If I get detention,
I'll have to miss rehearsal,

and if I miss rehearsal,

my understudy gets my part.

Hey, Eli.

He's mediocre at best.

Sorry, Eddie. I guess we are good boys.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Saturday Detention?

At least you'll still have Sunday free

to cheer on the Dolphins
and pray for your soul.

Weird to be at school on a Saturday.

Do you think they still

have the vending machines plugged in?

[CHUCKLES] If you had stopped
wearing open-toed shoes

when you were warned,
you wouldn't be here.

I'm not telling your mom about this.

She's stressed enough
about her book as it is.

Well, I better get in there
with the other delinquents.

You know why guys like
you knock everything?

It's because you're afraid.

Who said I was afraid?

It's a quote from
"The Breakfast Club"...

First American movie
I fell in love with.

The first movie I fell in love with was
"A Goofy Movie."

Broke my heart when Goofy found out

his son was embarrassed by him.

[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SIGHS]

So, what are you in for?

Wearing slides. Twice.

We got busted for sacking.

They took our hacky
sacks and everything.

Like,
when did hacky sacks ever hurt anybody?

All right, listen up, buttholes.

Personally, I'd rather be
anywhere else on a Saturday,

but my timeshare in Tallahassee
isn't gonna pay for itself.

Here are the rules... No eating.

But you're eating.

- Run laps.
- But this is detention.

What did I say?! [SIGHS]

No eating, no talking, no sleeping.

Okay, that's it.

Yep.

All right, w-what do you think?
Should we each pick favorites?

You can. I hate them all.

What? Jessica, these are great.

My smile is off.

It doesn't exude the quiet confidence

of a Stephen King or a Danielle Steel.

What about this one?

No, here. Yes.

The one where you're
peeking out from the closet.

You look so pretty.

Well, of course I look pretty.
That's a given,

but none of these are good enough.

I'm just gonna have to
use this old picture.

Now, tell me that picture doesn't scream

"professional author."

It does scream "professional author"...

because this is Amy Tan.

[SIGHS] I know.

I thought my publisher might go,

"Oh, this looks a lot like Amy Tan,"

but then be too nervous to say anything.

EVAN: [CLEARS THROAT]

Respectfully,
if it didn't work out with Honey,

you might want to go in
a different direction.

EMERY: Who better to capture
the real Jessica Huang

than two people who came
out of Jessica Huang?

JESSICA: Oh, these are all blurry.

My hands shake when I get excited.

These are terrible.

No need to decide right now!
We'll wait to hear from you.

You sleep on it. Take your time.

[BELL RINGS]

- How bad was detention?
- Did you have to make a shiv?

You would know if you didn't bail on me

Hey, we apologized in the moment.

Sorry.

Hey. Pretty cool how you
slept through detention

even though the lady coach said not to.

Thanks.

Not to brag or whatever, but...

I can fall asleep anywhere.

You want to eat lunch with us?

Yeah. Cool.

See you good boys later.

[WIND WHISTLING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING, WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

Why do I suddenly feel much happier?

- It's 'cause you're off campus, bro.
- This is amazing!

Every day at lunch,
we get tacos at Taco Fiesta.

That means "taco party" in English.

So, you guys don't even, like,

care what the cafeteria's serving!

[SCOFFS] What's a cafeteria?

[LAUGHS] Let's roll.

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

Okay, I need to get this off my chest.

Eddie got detention.

I didn't want to tell you
because I know you've been busy,

but it's been eating at me.

Not now, I'm in the zone.

Great! [CHUCKLES]

So technically, we talked about it.

Whew! I feel so unburdened.

Good parenting, good partnership.

Okay, so, uh, I'm a little hungry,

so I'm gonna go
microwave a bean burrito.

It was a two-pack

and somebody made one and
threw out the directions,

so I'm gonna put it in
for seconds at a time

and keep checking it.

Anyway, you're writing.
You're writing, so...

I'm gonna...

[DOOR OPENS]

- Look at you back at it.
- Yes, I'm in the zone.

I don't want to disturb you.

Just real quick...

I'm making one last
plea to use this photo.

The one where I caught
you uncapping a pen.

I don't need a photo anymore.

I'm scrapping that book.
I'm writing a new one.

What?

Yes, a children's book

about an alligator who eats dreams.

You're just giving up on your book?

What about Vera and Terry?

They'll be fine. They have each other.

I couldn't sleep last night,
and I realized

the reason I can't pick
a photo for that book

is because that book is the problem.

This one is much better.
[MICROWAVE DOOR OPENS]

The boy, Kevin,
wants to be an astronaut,

but then the alligator eats the moon.

So he's just gonna stay where he is.

[MICROWAVE BEEPING]

[MUFFLED] It's so good.

Hot. It's hot, but so good.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo. Check this out.

'Scuse me... Paul.

Could I trouble you for a cup?

I just want to grab some water.

[SIGHS]

You're the best.

I can totally see you.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Good thing I don't get
paid enough to care.

[SIGHS]

That's that outlaw life, yo!

You fools paid for your sodas.

I can't believe we weren't
sure about you at first.

I mean, we saw you were friends
with that nerd Safety Patrol kid.

Trent? He's a real bummer.

He's the one who confiscated our sacks.

They're locked away in
the principal's office,

never to be hacked again.

I can probably help you
get your sacks back.

How?

Trent's locker is near
the bathroom I visit

when I need to TCB.

"Take care of business."

He gave me the combination

so I can store reading
material in there.

All we got to do is get in his locker,

get the keys to the principal's office,

and free the sacks.

Nice.

Okay. Here's the plan.

EDDIE:
We wait until Trent finishes his shift.

Then, we help ourselves to those keys.

I know Principal Mathis

will be out of her office all afternoon.

She's due in court

to defend the school's
musical production of "Brent."

[WHISPERING] Keep reading.

Come on, Morrie. Keep it interesting.

[SIGHS] You guys get your sacks back,

we replace Trent's keys... In and out.

Eddie, that was awesome!

You're a total badass.

Yeah, man!

Hey, here's your cut!

[STAMMERS] My cut?

We found Mathis'
petty cash sitting on her desk,

so we helped ourselves.

Yeah, and I also took these Post-its.

You guys stole money from the school?

Yeah, man, and these Post-its.

We couldn't have done it without you.

Now, who wants some -Eleven slushies?

[GASPS] Yes! Slushies! Oh! Slushies!

Eddie, what's wrong?
You didn't yell, "Slushies."

Oh, sorry.

Slushies!

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Let's go.

Did you hear about Trent?

WALTER: His key was used

to break into the principal's office.

Someone stole $ .

Oh, yeah?

He got kicked off Safety Patrol...
his one joy.

Here he comes.

Hey, bud.

Sorry about Safety Patrol.

Thanks.

It's not like it's
your fault or anything.

All I ask is that you don't
treat me with kid gloves.

Oh. You're wearing sneakers.

That's great.

I'm glad your feet are safe.

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

"'Sorry, little Linda,
' said the alligator,

'You can't become a doctor
because I ate the hospital.'"

EVAN: [CLEARS THROAT]

Honey informed us you're
writing a children's book.

If you haven't picked an illustrator,

we'd like to toss our hats in the ring.

Leave your portfolio. I'll take a look.

I hope there's new stuff in there.

We'll circle back.

She's seen these!

I told you we weren't ready!

[SIGHS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS] [SIGHS]

Hello?

Hi, Vera...

or Terry.

I'm glad you called.

I have news.

What?

- Betrayal!
- Sorry?

Vera or Terry just called.

They said they loved my author photo!

How could you send them a
picture I didn't approve?

Because the picture doesn't matter.

And you were so worried about it, you
were gonna throw away your whole book.

None of those photos make me
look like I'm a real author.

But you are a real author.

Ohh, what is happening?

I feel like...

all of my power is draining from me.

I think maybe you're
experiencing insecurity.

No, that's dumb.

Why else would you be sabotaging this?

You're the alligator
eating your own dream.

What if nobody buys my book?

Well, you can't control that.

I really want to control it.

You wrote a book,

and you're getting it published.

That's a very big deal.

I know it is,

and then if I fail,
everyone's gonna know.

Yeah, but if you fail,
then you'll have failed

at something that most people
are afraid of even trying.

You're saying even if I fail,

people will still be jealous of me?

Sure.

Besides, you know one person
who's gonna buy your book...

Me.

Thank you, Honey.

You're a good friend.

In my next book,

I'll name the m*rder victim after you.

Yay!

You're welcome.

LOUIS: Strongly agree.

Strongly agree.

[DOOR OPENS]

Agree.

Moderately disagree.

I got to go. Goodbye, Mom.

Don't tell me you got detention again.

No. I need some advice.

Say you run a dishwasher,

but it's a really big dishwasher.

You ran the dishwasher again?

Honestly, I'm more impressed than angry.

How did you reconnect...

No. Sorry. Let me try this again.

Say you wear some slides to school,

but they fall off and k*ll a man.

Eddie,
metaphors are not your strong suit.

I get the sense that you
don't want me to ask you

what's going on, but what is going on?

I accidentally helped some older
kids steal money from the school.

What?!

And Trent got blamed for it,
and now he's off safety patrol.

Do you think I'm a bad person?

[CHUCKLES]

A bad person wouldn't be upset

about letting his friend take the fall.

You just made a mistake.

I know you'll figure out
a way to make it a right.

I do know how to make this right,

but I'm gonna need your help.

I don't want you to see me like this.

Wait.

I have information you can use

to get back on Safety Patrol.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Sorry, boys,
no off-campus tacos for you.

Looks like you'll be having cheese soup

with the rest of the school.

Good work, Trent.

Let's get you back in that orange vest

where you belong, hmm?

I hear it looks great from the back.

Only $ left to go
till your debt is paid.

But I only borrowed $ !

At a very high interest rate.

Bank of Louis. Should've shopped around.

I know you don't want to hear this,
but...

you're not a bad boy.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[SIGHS] Brutal.

I guess it's true.

Asian dads don't say, "I love you."

So, the photo Honey sent in was yours?

Yes. She knew she was bested.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

- I love it.
- You do?

Yes.

It's challenging people
to not like my book.

"What? You don't like it?

What, you got a problem?

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Let's see you write an entire novel.

That's right!

Run away to cookbooks, coward."

[SIGHS]

[CHATTER]

We thought you ditched us
to hangout with the Sackers.

Sorry, guys. That was stupid of me.

Turns out the Sackers are
not cooler than the dip kids.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ We're not gonna pay ♪

♪ We're not gonna pay ♪

♪ We're not gonna pay ♪

♪ This guy Brent ♪

♪ That guy Brent ♪

What is this about anyway?

I-I don't know,
but a lot of them have the flu.

[SNEEZES] [SNIFFLES]

♪ We're not gonna pay Brent ♪

♪ Brent, Brent,
Brent, Brent, Brent ♪

["SEASONS OF LOVE" PLAYS]

♪ , , ♪

♪ Seconds a year ♪

♪ It's time now for flu sh*ts ♪

♪ Our immune systems win ♪

- ♪ Let's wash our hands ♪
- I am on board.

I wasn't at first, but I am now.

♪ We'll make it through ♪

Shut it down! [CHATTER]

We lost the case! No more singing!

Give me those programs.

We have to shred them.

Turns out we are in fact
in violation of copyright,

so live and learn, I guess.

Pass them.

Pass them down.

Pass them down!